A Pandoran Tale

by ProfessorCatPro

Rating: mature
Tags: Crossover, Dark, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Adventure, Science Fiction
Length: 4435

On the planet pandora a Griffon with the help of Angel and her sidekick , must find five other adventurers to help defeat the evil Hansome Jack and save the word from annihilation, making a F*ck ton of cash in the process.

On the harsh world of Pandora the Hyperion corporation threatens to enslave the planet with the vault known as the warrior. With Handsome Jack running rampant and the princesses nowhere to be seen, it's up to six hero's to stop him, only problem is Pandora's only hope a, griffon and her sidekick has no idea who the other five should be.

this is Borderlands 2 Crossover being more story driven with various MLP characters being integrated into the story as well as some Borderlands characters, while altering several aspects major of the original content to make it work within an MLP setting as well as provide more distinct narrative.

In simpler terms I will be changing the story a lot, and will be mixing in ponied versions of characters from the Borderlands universe, while replacing others.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-14 16:16:07 UTC

Arc 1 Prolouge

Today I'm telling you the motivating story of how the griffon saved Pandora. There was a bad guy named Handsome Jack, he used his army to threaten Pandora, and then the griffon got her own tinier army, and went to town on them, and using her assertiveness killed every one, saved Pandora the end. that was terrible. oh and you can do better? A mute psycho could tell a better story than that. Talk is cheap little pony. fine then you want a story I'll give you a story.

Let me tell you a story of adventure, where Pandora's freedom hung in the balance, where six vault hunters rose to the challenge against the Evil Handsome Jack, a charismatic psychopath having tricked the princesses in to thinking he was pursuing peaceful solutions to Pandora's naturally chaotic nature where in fact he was enslaving them with bribery and intimidation murdering anyone who refused to conform to his so called vision. After only marginal success with the latter Jack made a plan to pursue the vault known only as the warrior. By now you probably have an idea of what a vault is, either a stockpile of alien treasure, or a portal of false promises and disappointment both would be accurate, however there is more to it than that for you see a vault can only be opened by a special key. This key is powered by arcane energies, and will recharge naturally over the course of a few hundred years, this however can be sped up if you feed it mass quantities of magic, but only in mass as the key will reject smaller amounts of magic. Now this might not seem relevant but this comes in later, now back to the six adventurers you see our story starts with a griffon who had lived her entire life in The Dust, who had been scorned by her family, abandoned by countless people, and betrayed by half of them. By this point the griffon had all but given up hope of ever being happy, and had lost all trust in the goodness of pony kind, griffon kind too I suppose, but obviously for good reason. This however would all change when the griffon found herself kidnapped and sold to a bandit gang in the Southern Shelf, after a time I mean.

Chapter 1 Sh*t-Brain the Red Masked Psycho

Chapter 1 Sh*t-Brain the Red Masked Psycho

Slipping into consciousness the lone griffin found herself bound and tied to the side some sort of a vehicle. The griffon was female. Her coat was brown with her wings a shade darker. her neck and head where white with light purple highlights around her eyes and along the tips of three feathers hanging over her forehead.

She also had an artificial back left limb clearly mechanical with a chrome sheen to it. she was wearing an embroidered shoulder pad with the letter G on it.

Taking a look around as much as she could anyway. She was tied facing the vehicle. Not able to see much more than the sky, metal paneling, and the fact that the car was moving, she decided looking around was pointless.

After that she opted to attempt an escape, however her captors clearly knowing the strength of a griffon chained her limbs together she noted that they were attached at one central point. Securing her to the car were several heavy cables with her wings also bound this way wrapping around her torso as well.

not too long passed when the lone griffin lost her patients, and began screaming at the top of her lungs "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU BASTARDS!?!" With no response she continued her angry Prattling "I know you fuckwads are here so answer my question, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU BASTARDS AND WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME!?!!"

"Does kitty want a slice of face pizza?" yelled a someone clearly not playing with a full deck of cards.

"Don't call me a kitty, shit brain!" Yelled the griffin more annoyed than angry this time and continued "could someone who isn't a mental case tell ,me who the fuck you are what you want?!" all the while still attempting to break her bonds.

"Shut up skag lick." said someone else, voiced in annoyance rather than anger.

"What did you say to me?" Retorted the griffin in a foreboding tone

taking a pause before responding the second voice now named bastard said "I said... shut... up... skag lick..."

the griffin Angier than ever screamed "YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!! LET ME OUT SO I CAN STRANGLE YOU!!!"

" watch out, looks like the kitty has claws" Said Bastard his mocking putting him on the griffon's list

"kitty scratches make the whole world worth wile" said the fist voice now named Shit-brain

"DONT CALL ME KITTY BASTARD, MY NAME IS GILDA  AND IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU YOU'LL CALL ME BY IT!!!" Screamed the kitty

"Kitty mad?" said Bastard "Does kitty need a bwelly wub?"

"I want to pet the kitty." said Shit-brain "Can I pet the kitty can I ?" he asked as the griffin reached new levels of anger.

"Would you like that kitty Huh, would you like the psycho to pet you?" Gilda now on the brink of popping a blood vessel.

"Pet the kitty, pet the kitty, fluffy fluffy kitty." sang Shit-brain the griffins binds still holding fast. "Pet the kitty pet the kitty" Continued Shit-brain.

"Don't you dare." said Gilda tone laced with venom Shit-brain however Ignored this and pet her anyway.

this caused her to flail around attempting to stop the unwanted contact. After a while she stopped flailing, after that she found it was actually enjoyable, which ironically pissed her off even more as the idea of enjoying that sort of thing made her sick. With that she began to flail once again, but was stopped as the car was now hitting bumpy terrain causing her to involuntarily bang her head against the side of the vehicle.

the percussion causing her to simmer down asked "what do you want with me?" in almost polite tone.

"The steak captain wants sizzle buddies to poke with the pain stick" said Shit-brain still petting the kitty.

"okay... hey bastard what does... whatever he said mean?" asked Gilda slowly migrating to a pleasant tone.

"Oh the kitty curious that's adorable" Said bastard still opting to provoke the bound griffon.

"well fuck you too!" said Gilda her voice now back to its original tone.

"stop sizzling kitty doesn't like it" Said Shit-brain.

"Shut up Shit-brain" Said Bastard thinking Shit-brain was an appropriate name for the Psycho.

"STOP SIZZLING KITTY DOESN'T LIKE IT" Said Shit-brain in a tone manic even for him.

Shit-brain stopped petting the kitty and a moment later Bastard Yelled "hey back of sh*Screech* WHAT THE FUCK SHIT-BRAIN YOU ALMOST MADE ME CRA*Scee*".

"WHEN THE KITTY HAS A PONY BUTT SHIT-BRAIN WILL PET THE TEARS AWAY AND GIVE THE KITTY FACE PIZZA!!!" Said Shit Brain as the car began to sway erratically and clanging sound passed the griffon.

"STOP ATTACKING ME YOU MORON THAT WAS THE STEERING WHEEL YOU JUST CHOPED OFF!!!" Yelled Bastard causing Gilda to panic.

"WHEN THE BASTARD'S NOSE BLEEDS HIS BELOVED WILL KILL THE MASTER!!!" Screamed Shit-brain as the jostling forced Gilda to slam her head again, this time knocking her out cold.

After coming to Gilda found herself in a pitch black room chained face up on a table of some sort being tilted upwards. She noted the table was cool but not pleasantly so, having lived in The Dust all her life this felt extremely out of place. Gilda continued to observe how she felt, she had a massive head ache no surprise there, she felt numb in places mostly around her hands and paws do to the cold, having never experienced extreme cold before this confused her slightly, until she reasoned it was drugs or something.

this train of thought was cut off as the light was suddenly unbearably bright culprit being a ceiling light after her eyes had time to adjust she found that the light did very little to light the room but lit her immediate area

"so how does my now torture doll fell today" asked a deep raspy voice

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU CALL ME!?!!" asked the griffon paying no mind to what the situation implied.

"Ha , I love it when they have spunk, so much more satisfying when they break down and cry." called the voice now associated with a large figure face covered with a spiked helmet eyes seemingly glowing red, strapped over his shoulder was a fire hatchet.

He then reached a hoof over to a table with an assortment of painful looking instruments and before picking one up asked "so before we get started I'd like you to know what name to call when you're bloody and begging" he took a metal prod and said "I'm Captain Flint, or you can call me master if that becomes too difficult to remember as you have a hot iron in the side! Ha".

"Like hell I'll call y..." she was interrupted as a red hot prod ran across her torso "AHHHHHH!!!" she screamed than began to say "YOU FUCKE*AHHHH*FUCKER WHEN I G*AHHHHH* g-get my c-c-cl*AHHHH*PANT*PANT*GULP* c-claws on youuu..." Flint then used the iron on her flank and with far more force.

"I've always wondered what a griffin would look like with a cutie mark let's find out together" he said trying to draw something causing Gilda to scream in a way she never thought she would, not out of anger, but of horror, Horror of how much pain she was, in horror in fear of what will come next, horror in how she finally realized how helpless she really was, Flint took his time to extend her screams of pain as long as he could, finally she felt A light tickling going down her cheek.

She didn't know what it was for a moment before she realized what it was, crying, something she hadn't done for so long she almost forgot what it felt like. unable to do anything to stop she began to sob as the pain became unbearable.

Conceding she decided to beg Flint to stop having already lost her dignity."PLEASE STOP PLEASE THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE PLEASE NO MORE!!!" she screamed still unable to stop her wailing.

"I'm sorry are you talking to me or the prod because I'm pretty sure the prod doesn't have a say in the matter" said flint in a mocking yet sadistic tone.

Gilda still desperate to make the pain stop pleaded again "PLEASE, I'M BEGGING JUST LIKE YOU WANTED, PLEASE  NO MORE, NO MORE"

Flint once again mocked the pleading griffon "Seriously are you talking to the light, the prod, the shackles, it could be anyone."

Gilda now remembering his initial dialogue knew what Flint was going on about the screamed "PLEASE FLINT NO MORE, MAKE IT STOP THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE!!!"

"who?" Asked the sadistic bandit.

not knowing what he was looking for Gilda desperately screamed "MASTER, MAKE THE PAIN STOP" and lost any vestige of dignity she had left.

"well good news for you then I'm done" Then flint put his hoof at the back of her head and forced her to look at her flank "come on take a look at my hoof work pretty good if I do say so myself" the griffon still sobbing from the pain saw an x on her flank but didn't see any blood "as you  see because I used a hot prod to pierce the flesh, so the wound was slaughtered before it could bleed" He said then forcing her to look at the other side of her body "I even gave you a matching one on the other side just like a real cutie mark."

"You know you've already become my third favorite Torture Buddy your crying most profound sound of suffering I've ever heard." captain Flint Said

Gilda having regained some composure, and far more pissed than she had ever been before, said with the softest yet most foreboding tone imaginable "when I get out I'll claw your face off so hard your grandma will feel it in hell."

"HA HAHA A good scream and idle threats how hilarious! Heh ha ah , you've have just earned yourself the number two place." said the good captain as he unwittingly made his death that little bit more painful.

"I don't make idle threats jackass." she said in the same chilling tone.

"well this has been fun but I still need to find my number one" Said flint leaving the room not paying the griffons words any mind, but not before turning off the light leaving The griffin in the a pitch black room. the pain still persisting though to a lesser extent Gilda found herself crying once again.

The darkness persisted for a minute or two before the lights suddenly lit up again, but instead of being accompanied the deep raspy voice of Flint was greeted by the manic ramblings of a psycho. The psycho's coat was white, his mane was shaved bald. he had a skinny yet muscular build, at least as far as ponies go. He was wearing four boot red at the base but brown along the length and with chrome soles, he also had a somewhat dirty looking red mask. His cutie mark was ironically a butterfly on a single rose.

"Can I pet the kitty?"asked psycho who Gilda recognized as Shit-brain remembering his voice very clearly.

With Gilda still crying she remembered that being petted was a pleasant experience, and not having any pride to bar it, she softly said "Yes, you can pet the kitty"

To her surprise Shit-brain Removed her Shackles but promptly fell on her face as she found herself unprepared for the sudden lack or bondage Promptly after Shit-brain said "Shit-brain will pet the tears away and the give the kitty face pizza."

Gilda remember what Shit-brain said just before she was knocked out *WHEN THE KITTY HAS A PONY BUTT SHIT-BRAIN WILL PET THE TEARS AWAY AND GIVE THE KITTY FACE PIZZA!!!* and then shrugged it off as a coincidence then said "Will Shit Br- will you help me get out of here... Friend?"

"SHIT-BRAIN HAS A MURDER BUDDY!" Screamed Shit-brain clapping his hooves together then sang "Shit-brain the red masked Psycho, had a very bloody mask, and if you ever saw it, you say it's gross, all of the other Psychos never laughed or call him names"

"...Okay so is that a yes" Asked Gilda equal parts confusion and hopeful.

"murder buddies murder each other's enemies" said Shit-brain and then continued his song "They never let poor Shit-brain join in any psycho games"

"So if I help murder the psychos that snubbed you you'll help me get out of here AND get revenge on Flint?" Said Gilda now exhibiting enthusiasm

Shit-brain sang more of his song "then one chilly summer day, a kitty came as a slave, then she got a pony butt, and they went to murder all their enemies." Braking away from the main tune towards the end.

"I'll take that as a yes" taking only a moment later to enjoy being pet before getting up and going for the door but immediately being stopped by Shit-brain climbing on Gilda's back and then she said "What the fuck Shit-brain"  who slung an ammo strap over her, and paced something on the back of her neck, which promptly hurt like hell.

"The ghost lady needs to call the corpse I got the brain jack from" Said Shit Brian before a loading bar appeared in Gilda's vision with several HUD elements Appearing as the bar filled up with Gilda tearing up again, as she was given no reason not to.

"Hello are- oh thank goodness you're alive when I lost you're signal I thought you wer..." said a disembodied voice as Gilda wiped her face dry before cutting her off with a delayed response.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!" Screamed Gilda who was extremely angry at everything that just happened, and now had Someone to take it out on.

"wait you're not Patchwork." Said the voice with concern.

provoking an eye roll from Gilda while she makes herself comfortable she says "Well thank you captain obvious! I'm sure it took a you allot of effort to figure that one out." in response to the idiotic remark.

Captain Obvious then asked in a tone bordering panic "What happened Patchwork, is he alright"

"probably not." Said Gilda nonchalantly satisfied that Captain Obvious was squirming then continued "My friend here Shit-brain said he got it off a corpse*murder buddies unite!*so yea, if that doesn't scream he's dead, then I'm a three toed midget riding a spiderant.

"wait you're a three toed midget?" asked the now Captain Oblivious now somewhat confused.

"What no... that was... I WAS BEING SARCASTIC YOU MORON!" Screamed Gilda. Still having unresolved anger to work out, she overacted even by her standards.

"Oh so you're a normal pony then?" asked Captain Oblivious.

"No I'm an awesome GRIFFON*Kitty is smarter than the average cat* " Gilda said angrily while patting herself on the back with her comment.

"So you're a griffon then? well I suppose it's nice to meet you then Kitty." said Captain Oblivious

"No that's just a nickname my, real name is Gilda, also only Shit-brain can call me Kitty*Shit Brian bribes her with belly rubs*"" Retorted Gilda still adorning her annoyed tone.

"Okay then Gilda Lets see where you are..."said Captain Oblivious Trailed of the mysterious voice.

"um excuse me but you still haven't answered my question. so if you would be so kind as to tell me, WHO THE FUCKING HELL YOU ARE, YOU SKAG LICK WASTE OF SKIN FREAK!!! Said the now sweating griffon. Heated with the burring sun of her unyielding fury it would only take the smallest thing to send her off the deep end.

Just then A familiar yet muffled voice emanated from the other side of the door Gilda was sitting but a few hooves from "Hey what was that I think it came from here"

Another unfamiliar voice the retorted as Gilda got ready to ambush whatever came through the door "yea well stay away if you know what's good for you"

The familiar voice then said in a calm yet cocky tone "Shit dude do you really think anything can take down me and my Shoty"

the other voice not amused said "yeah and his name is Captain Flint, if he catches you in there". Gilda was beginning to lose her patients, and considered just going out there without any kind of plan. But just then the door opened to reveal the bastard that drove the car that Took her here "Come on flint will never Oh fuc-" was all he could say before face pizza became an immediate possibility.

Just then Captain Oblivious returned with vengeance "Ok so it seems you're in a particularly dangerous area of..."the good Captain stopped as the moment she patched into Gilda's visual she was greeted by the first person prospective of Gilda clawing through the second individual's neck to reveal a fountain of blood. "Ahh! *ahem* I... see you found that out already" She said out of surprise rather than shock.

"YOU DON'T SAY!?!" Uttered Gilda still running on an adrenaline high.

"Angel" Stated Captain Oblivious

"WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN!?!" Gilda now screaming at the top of her lungs while punching a fist shaped indent on the metal panel wall.

"The ghost lady lives in a prison of fatherly love, AND WIRES!" Said Shit-brain as he was peeling off a freshly cut face.

Gilda taking a quick glance at Shit-brain as the Angel continued "I'm answering you're question and my name is Angel, though you obviously wanted more than that, and well it's a long story but suffice to say I'm currently being held prisoner by Hyperion, and I'm sure for some reason or another you want to get back at them, Handsome Jack has a way of making enemies."

"And you want me to join your cause blah blah blah, listen lady a lot of people have come up to me asking me to join the mother fucking crimson raiders, and seeing as I'm not in some skag hole Hyperion factory or something, I think it's pretty obvious what my answer was"

"No I'm not asking you to join the crimson raiders, well maybe later if it helps us, but I can assure you I'm not with the crimson raiders in any more than spirit. You see do to my unique position I have access to some of Handsome Jack's private files including security codes, and have formulated a way to take down Jack and by extension Hyperion." Said Angel now conducting herself with confidence and professionalism.

"Okay so can talk big but that doesn't make it true" Retorted Gilda not impressed but now considering the idea of taking on Hyperion. "Either way I still have unfinished business with that fuck face Flint"

"you mean Captain Flint if so then that actually coincides with my plan, you see Flint recently stole the only seaworthy ship left in the area, and is currently searching for its owner" said angle Gilda now noticing a eerie image of a mare in the corner of her HUD and noticed she looked kind of like a ghost. Gilda thought back at what Shit-brain said again *The ghost lady needs to call the corpse I got the brain jack from* and began to see a pattern but quickly shrugged it off again, this time to focus on what the crazy lady has to say "Claptrap is a little... useless most of the time but can (however rarely) find a way to be helpful"

"Wait why are you talking about that garbage series of robots?" asked Gilda having spaced out a while as angel continued talking.

"As I said claptrap is the owner of the boat, and we'll need him to get out of the Shelf.*Home sweet home how I will miss the frostbite on cold summer days*" said angel with Shit-brain prattling as though he could hear Angel

Gilda her confidence now revitalized from the two murder she just committed said "what why would I ever need a useless pile of junk like a claptrap to do anything."

"Do you know how to drive a boat through water filed monsters with icebergs and monsters that look like icebergs hm" Said Angel now showing annoyance at the fact that she had apparently been ignored for about 87% of her debrief.

"yeah well what if I don't want him to cramp my style" Retorted Gilda as Shit-brain passed her some sort of food not paying attention to what said item is

"well your style counts for very little if your hid is full of*gak* full of lea*Blarg slosh splash*"Angel's lecture was cut short by Gilda throwing up a freshly baked slice of face pizza this caused Angel to stifle a giggle.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST FEED ME!" Screamed Gilda now combating the after taste.

"Home made face pizza just like Shit-brain's grandma used to make, before she was eaten by a hungry midget." Said Shit-brain as Angel stifle now turned to laughter.

"*hmhahah* Mmm sounds tasty you must of really enjoyed it." Chimed Angel laughing as she finished provoking a feral growl from Gilda.

"SHUT UP!" Screamed Gilda as angel continued to taunt her.

"Would you like some kidney pasta with that pizza *giggle* and maybe for desert some stomach cupcakes" By this point Angel was almost as manic as Shit-brain...  well okay she waay before that point but you get the idea.

"SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!!" screamed Gilda sounding like a little cub throwing a fit. then in a huff of rage said "I thought you were trying to get on my good side bitch, wasn't it you that asked me for help?!?!!"

"well in spite of what you may believe, I'm not desperate so if you're not going to corporate I'll find somepony who will. I can hack into any echo device so I have literally millions ponies to chose from here on Pandora, and plenty more on Elpis, like I said Jack has a way of making enemies." Said Angel finally reaching her limit.

"so you're not some windbag bitch then?" Said Gilda her tone migrating to that inquiry "well I'm not promising anything but if you can prove to me your the real deal when we get out of this white sand desert of a hellhole then I might just trust you on this."

"wait what but I... I don't understand I just mocked you and said I didn't need you aren't you angry with me."

"Yeah, but a lot of thing piss me off, if I took it out on all of it, I'd be a crazy hermit somewhere." Said Gilda "so anyway going before I help you with your little job I need to help Shit-brain kill the other psychos for snubbing him, then find a way to claw Flint's face hard enough to cause his head to explode."

"oh let me help with that aaaaand done" Angel Said before an indication filled the corner of Gilda's vision

Shit-brain the red masked psycho

* kill all of the other psychos that didn't let Shit-brain join in any of their psycho games

"WHAT THE FUCK?! HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THE SONG?!?" Asked Gilda more out of surprise and confusion then anger.

"I didn't the Echo Heads Up Display creates objectives dynamically based on what your brain finds most relevant. I just activated the program and pined the coordinates to the nearest psycho your Echo device could detect." responded Angel about 60% of what she said going over Gilda's head, but she collected enough figure out one crucial detail.

"So my HUD jacks into my brain" she said in a dry tone.

"out of everything I just told you was that the only thing you held onto" Asked Angel hopeful that she finally had someone intelligent to speak with;

And that hope was burned in an inferno and blown to the wind with the next thing that came out of Gilda's mouth" I also got you're a nerd." Angel sighed with disappointment as Gilda began to loot the two corpses that had been laying on the ground since the beginning of the whole conversation.