True Facts About ...

by ShadowWalking18

Rating: teen
Tags: Crystal Ponies, Dragons, Griffons, Changelings, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3114

This are true facts about ....

This are true facts about ....*See chapter*

(This got started by some comments between me and Wiggidy on a fic here)

Published 2016-03-27 00:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-05-02 00:51:47 UTC

Changelings.

Today we will be going over true facts about: Changelings.

Changelings are a relatively unknown subspecies of Equus Intelligencia, of which you are a part. It is not quite sure how they are related to ponies, but scholars believe it probably involved a kinky night with a Zebra. And a buffalo.

Changelings are widely known for their transformative magic specialty, which allows them to don a disguise and adopt the physical characteristics of any other known pony species. They are the color-changing magicians of the Everfree. How a changeling determines which colors to use is a mystery, because it can't see in color. Like a lactose intolerant cheese maker, changelings are unaware of their own gift.

Changelings live in what is called a Hive, a sort of messy gooey structure underground

Here in the safety of the hive the changelings divide themselves into a number of different jobs, ranging from building, guarding and gathering. The gatherers job is to go out and seduce unwitting ponies, preferably after a few drinks, and take them back to the hive where they are then cocooned and then placed on the walls of the Hive for future love draining.

Most changelings are reported to feed on the energies generated from Love. How this happens is largely a mystery, but scientists are sure it involves some weird Dementor style magic shit to eat that tasty love, which tastes like chicken... Love.

At the top of the Hive Hierarchy is the Queen, who is largely the sole provider of all Changeling eggs.

The Changeling queen come in many shapes, colors, and shades.

Of ugly.

It's like a rainbow.

Of ugly.

The drone Changelings are tiny by comparison. Like a tiny little filly.

When it is time to mate the smaller male climbs on the back of the queen.

Preferably while she is eating.

If she gets bored, like this one clearly has, she will eat his face.

Then the rest of him.

It is the ultimate decision for the male.

Stay alive. Get laid. Stay alive? Get laid?

The changeling penis- oh, really? We always do this! Just once I want to be able to read a script and not have to worry about reading about some creature's penis!

Fine...

The changeling penis is solely sexual in nature. Seeing as changelings feed on emotional energy, no physical waste is produced. And, in cases where no other females are present, a changeling penis can serve as an ovipositor to deposit a changeling egg into a mare.

Dirty science.

After the Queen's eggs are fertilized, she lovingly and gingerly puts them in some random freaking hole in the walls of the hive.

And they are guarded by the Queen till they hatch, into the cutest little freaks in the world.

These little babies are not so good at the shape shifting, but they do the best they can.

Cover your tracks up, little man. Don't get caught by nopony.

Just remember, there is always somepony out there looking for love.

So go out there and find your changeling lover, then stick your ovipositor in-actually that part doesn't really apply.

Author's Note

I want to thank Wiggidy for helping with this, your comments were so funny :D. I hope we can do more of these parodies.

If you liked this, let me know. Then make a suggestion of what other Equestrian creature you wish to learn about. We might be able to find something on the shelves for you.

That is if Twilight hasn't rearranged them again.

Griffons

Here are True Facts about the Griffon.

The griffon is a creature with the head of a bird and the body of a cat.

Baby Griffons are called Grifflets. And they look a little like a cotton ball that grew a face.

And legs.

Grifflets are born without flight feathers, and because they are vulnerable they disguise themselves as Muppets.

Griffons have a wide range of sight, able to see prey from nearly a thousand feet or more in the air.

Some griffons even bob their heads up and down to maximize their depth perception.

You try it right now. Focus on an object and bob your head up and down.

That's right, keep bobbing your head.

It doesn't really work for ponies, but you do look like an idiot.

As the griffon grows older it develops its flying feathers.

Despite its cuddly appearance beneath those fluffy feathers the griffon is called a bird of prey.

Because it eats prey. Just like how griffons call us equines of the grass, because we eat grass.

The griffon's claws are zygodactyl, two in front and two in back. And their grip is the strongest in the world.

Five hundred pounds per square inch, eight times stronger then the Equestrian.

Perhaps the most famous quality of a griffon is their love of gold and other shiny things. They are so greedy that dragons frankly can't stand the comparison.

Just remember, if somepony says your greedier then a griffon just say, "your mom."

Parasprites

These are the indisputable facts about Mother Nature's cruelest predator, the parasprite.

Parasprites are composed of two parts: a fat little body, and tiny wings that, by the laws of aerodynamics, shouldn't allow for flight. But parasprite don't give a shit and flies anyways.

The Parasprite comes in many forms of color, are perhaps the cuddlest looking creature in nature.

But don't let the cute little eyes fool you. The Parasprite is perhaps one of natures most efficient predator.

It does this by being able to quickly devour any form of food substance within .04 seconds upon seeing it.

Give it a try, find something edible and then decide to eat it in that same moment.

Sorry you just ate a piece of cat poop, try again.

Sorry you just ate a pencil, that we stuck in cat poop.

Parasprites a hermaphrodites, meaning they have both mommy parts and daddy parts and are capable of self reproducing.

However unlike ordinary reproduction, the Parasprite takes it to a whole new level of horror.

They do this by hacking up their babies, which are just a vicious hunger as their parent.

This is why it sucks to attend a parasprite baby shower. There is just way too much coughing. Gross.

The Parasprite is perhaps natures smallest creature, with the Breezies being smaller.

But if you know you are being compared to something that can only fly with a gentle breeze you are really, really damn small.

You may not have noticed, but the Parasprite has really large eyes. They are the largest in relation to its body then any other animal.

Each one of its eyes is heavier then its brain, which might explain why they haven't invented anything.

If you challenged a parasprite to a staring contest, it probably wouldn't understand you, but it would stare at you with a little smile. And you would think that was enough.

The parasprite wouldn't think anything, and probably just make a pee pee.

Just remember, if someone offers you a puff ball with wings. Crush it. Then set it on fire.

You will save yourself a lot of trouble.

Seapony

Here are True Facts about the Seapony.....

The seapony is named so because it looks like it was made from the mold a small pone, except they ran out of clay before they got to the important parts... Like the parts that help you move.

Mainly propelled by two small fins on its side, the seapony is not the strongest of swimmers. More of an "aggressive floating" behavior. Imagine trying to propel yourself on a scooter solely by wagging your tail back and forth really fast. That is how a seapony do.

Due to its lack of movement skills, seaponies are bottom feeders. Clinging onto whatever crap it can find on the ocean floor, the seahorse has a diet consisting of over 3,000 brine shrimp a day, seaweed, and various bits of top feeder detritus. From this, one can easily infer that brine shrimp are really sh***y at running away.

Much like the changelings, seaponies do not give live birth. Rather, they lay soft smooshy clusters of eggs in long strands which are held together by mucus. These strands are then anchored to a number of stalks of seagrass, where they will mature under the loving and watchful eyes of their parents. And then they might egg make some more together, sometimes going for hours before taking a break, as they shall for the rest of their natural lives. Because, unlike regular pones, seaponies mate beyond life. They mate for death, which doesn't make sense unless you've been f***ed by a seapony.

Here is a quiz:

Which of the following is false?

The seapony often performs a duet with its partner before mating.

The seapony often mates under the soft light of a full moon.

The seapony gives its partner a warm loving hug every morning during their eggs' maturation.

If you said "false" to any of those you're a cynical bastard when it comes to love, because the seapony does all three. So you go out there and find your seapony lover, and don't be afraid to make a commitment for death if you think they're the one. Cause otherwise, you're just gonna die alone at home, entombed by the glow of your tv screen as you binge watch Game of Pones for the third time this week, wondering where my life went wrong.

I-I mean, uh... where your life went wrong.

Author's Note

Wiggidy rules.

Zebra

These are true facts about the Zibrahh... What is it? The "Zebra"? Hmm... That word really looked like it was going to be a lot more fun to say.

The zebra is like an ordinary pone that got bodypainted by that weird hippy that lives under the Hearts & Hooves bridge and may or may not be permanently high. High on what I can't say, but it must be real good.

The zebra has an inexplicable compulsion to speak only in rhyming sentences. No one is sure how or why this compulsion exists, though it does get pretty old when you’re trying to talk to them.

The most visually striking aspect of the zebra is its black and white striped coat. They are the only plains walking equines known to have such coloration, and the nature of this design is still in debate among scientists. Some theorize that the striping pattern is intended to provide crypsis, which an organism’s ability to avoid detection or observation by other organisms.

This, however, is pretty much thrown out the window when you remember that zebras are a fairly vocal race. That, and the fact that they’re always rhyming. That gets annoying pretty fast. If you’ve ever had a zebra as a roommate in college, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Another theory is that the striped patterns are meant as a form of motion camoflage, where the stripes are meant to make it harder for predators to see how far away the zebra is or where it is going. Another similar hypothesis is that stripes may make it harder for predators to single out individual members of the herd through motion dazzle by creating a wagon wheel or barber pole type of visual illusion when the herd is in motion.

I guess the idea is that lions are already half blind anyway, so the zebra evolved stripes to fuck with it and make life that much harder.

Still, others say that the stripes are merely a means of visual cues and identification, and that zebras may find it easier to identify each other based on their individual striping pattern.

But whatever way you slice it, we can all agree on one thing: having stripes is kinda weird, but still cool as hell though.

Just remember, if someone tells you that you dress up like a zebra just say. Your mom. That usually shuts them up.

Ponies

These are true facts about the Pony.....

"The Pony, known by nerds as 'Equus Intelligencia', is a bountiful species populating every continent on Equus except Arctice. Equines -of which you are a part- are available in three flavors, and all have their own unique abilities.

The first are the Unicorns. Unicorns are a magical subspecies of pony which have a prominent spire of bone protruding from the forehead. This bone -called a horn- allows a unicorn to channel and focus magical energies, unleashing a vast array of spells which varies depending on the unicorn casting said spells. Despite popular belief, and many erotic novels, the unicorns bone horn has no nerves within it, and thus cannot feel things. And good thing to, it be rather odd if it could. I mean, that be like walking around with a boner on your head. Just embarrassing.

Next are the Pegasi. Pegasi are an odd subspecies of pony, as they are the only ones capable of natural flight, and are known to interact with clouds and weather. The bones of a Pegasus are hollow, which grants less weight than other pony races. Unfortunately, this also means that Pegasi are prone to broken bones, and this goes double for the wings. That's why insurance premiums on Pegasus health insurance plans are really friggin' high. That, and it's hard to get the cast off of the wing without breaking something else in the process, which nets you a double fee from the procedure. Then you have to get another one put on, and... Just ask any pony on a weather team and they'll set you straight.

Lastly, and least impressive, are the Earth ponies...

They live on the ground. And, um, farm I guess. Not as much of a wow factor for this one. I mean, how are you gonna compete with magic and flying? I guess you could lift something heavy... And I guess they know about nature.

Whoever wrote this script needs to do more research on- What? No way! Let me see that!

Oh. Apparently, Earth ponies don't even have a Wikipedia article... Well, I guess we should just cut to the next fact. Cut there. Next fact please."

Author's Note

Wiggidty and I are back

Dragons

This are true facts about the Dragon....

The dragon is a terrifying genus of large reptiles, thought to have evolved from a common ancestor shared with the modern sea serpent some 120 million years ago. Although related by evolution, sea serpents and dragons are completely different from each other in just about every way.

Dragons are an incredibly varied race, with some being able to breathe fire, some being able to control water, earth, lightning, ice, and even wind. It’s like that one cartoon where the kid has to bend all the elements and gets in a war. Only without the whole “war” thing. And bending all the elements, because that’s just too much of the bending.

Little is known about dragons as a whole, because they are generally a solitary species, interacting with ponies and other sentient creatures only when absolutely necessary. No one knows why, but that is how a dragon do.

According to one self-proclaimed “expert”, the diet of a dragon consists mostly of gems, though grasses and vegetation found in pony diets can also be consumed. This, however, is really lame for the dragon, and that’s mostly because pony food apparently tastes really gross. I’m not sure how accurate this information is, because the expert in question also claims that you can become an alicorn by singing and walking down a hallway with lots of home videos playing at the same time. That’s something a clam would make up. And there’s not a lot of good things that have come from them.

Clams are stupid. I’m sorry. I said it. But they are dumb as hell.

According to legend, dragons have the one of the longest lifespans of all creatures in Equestria. They are exceeded only by “pure” or “natural-born” Alicorns. And the amount of time it takes for Internet Explorer to load my homepage.

This is largely why I make it a point to use Chrome instead. Come on now, Explorer, I’m not downloading the entirety of the internet. Pick up the pace.

Dragon’s are thought to be of equal intelligence to ponies, because dragons can communicate verbally, organize, and create societies and social structures. Unfortunately, this cannot be studied in detail, as any observed instances have been reported by the same maniac that thinks it’s totally realistic to magically grow a pair of wings and suddenly become a fairy tale princess of “friendship” or some stupid bull. I mean, if you’re going to make up a fairy tale, don’t make a main character suddenly turn into a magical princess. Only a clam would write that sort of crap. And they’re dumb as hell.

Author's Note

Thank Wiggidy for this chapter. :)

Crystal Pony

These are the indisputable facts about Crystal Ponies.

Crystal Ponies are a rare subspecies of ponies, thought to have been wiped off the face of Equestria during King Sombra's reign of the Crystal Empire, said to have begun some one thousand years ago. Oddly, these ponies are sorely missing from that Hearth's Warming Eve pageant Celestia endorsed a couple years ago. Suspicious, indeed.

Despite the name "Crystal Pony", a crystal pony doesn't actually look like a crystallized pony. Really they look like somepony dropped a gallon of floor polish on an Earth pony, and the Earth pony said "screw it, I'm a crystal now"! But they can turn into crystals for a little while sometimes, and that's kind of cool. Still more impressive than an Earth Pony, anyways.

Look, if you're competing with a pony that can turn shiny sometimes in a contest of coolness, you know you aren't all that impressive.

Besides being able to look crystally for a few moments, Crystal Ponies are also capable of spreading light and love across all of Equestria with an artifact known as the Crystal Heart. How this artifact came to be is unknown, though some suspect it involved a bypass surgery gone horribly wrong.

As well as being able to cause a minor form of mind control, the Crystal Heart also keeps the Crystal ponies home, the Crystal empire.....lot of Crystal in the names...warm and protected from the frozen tundra of their home.

Not exactly a bright move if you ask me. I mean, artifacts like that are almost always stolen in the movies and then where would they be? Frozen that's what.