You'll Be Back

by Jade Ring

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Drama
Length: 3170

Celestia does not take rejection well. Like, at all.

The ponies of Equestria finally decide to declare their independence from Princess Celestia.

She doesn't take it well.

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Directly inspired by the songs "You'll Be Back," "What Comes Next," and "I Know Him" from 'Hamilton: An American Musical' by Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Published 2016-03-29 19:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-23 00:24:23 UTC

You'll Be Back

The unanimous Declaration of the seven united States of Equestria,

When in the course of equine events it becomes necessary to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, a decent respect to the opinions of pony-kind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident; that all ponies are created equal, that they are endowed by the spirit of Harmony with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Ponies, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Ponies to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that pony-kind are more disposed to suffer, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. The history of the present Princesses of Canterlot is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world...

My dear, sweet, precious little ponies,

I almost cannot put into words how absolutely adorable your little Declaration is. I will simply have to mount it on the royal refrigerator. It will fit perfectly next to the macaroni art one of my students gave me last week. I admit, it is a little sloppy and the hoof that created it obviously did not have a fully formed mind behind it, but I still think it has enough merit to be admired next to a true masterpiece.

Besides, I don’t think the kindergartener will mind.

This little message is not unexpected, I have to tell you. I have not turned a blind eye to the protests and the rallies. I have heard the cries of ‘independence’ and ‘democracy now.’ I have smelled the absolutely insane amounts of manure that have arrived from the provinces in place of taxes.

But despite all that, I truly did not expect this document until the events of a fortnight ago, when my shipment of specially prepared cakes was intercepted and dumped into Trotson Harbor. Oh, you should have seen the look on the messenger’s face when he delivered that news. Come to think of it, you actually can see the look the next time you visit the Royal Gardens. I’ve had him placed by the lilies.

Now that you have taken the next natural step of your precious little ‘revolution,’ as I’ve heard it called already, let me just offer one little promise;

You’ll be back.

Do you really think that in the long, long history of Equestria that you are the first to attempt to usurp the status quo? Really? Part of me regrets scouring the history books of the Earth Pony Rebellion that occurred just after my sister’s banishment. Maybe if you’d been taught in school about how a quarter of the Earth Pony population was executed for war crimes, you would be a little more cautious when it comes to rising up against the dominant superpower. Then of course there was the so-called New Lunar Resurgence, those aristocrats and elected officials who thought that they would bring me down and return my sister to power. Of course, I’m actually grateful for that one. My gardens were so dreadfully bare in those days. The leaders of that little uprising provided just the right aesthetic touch once they had been posed and petrified perfectly.

Oh, and most recently there was the ill-advised Crusade of 567, which is the reason for there being such a strong imbalance between the stallion and mare populations of our beautiful land. Of course, ‘recently’ for me does not mean the same as it does for you.

That’s really the point I’m trying to make here. Oceans rise, empires fall, mountains crumble, and histories are forgotten or plainly erased. Through all of that, through the passing of centuries and the exhaustive expanse of time, one thing and one thing alone stays the same.

Me.

Every revolution before yours has realized that, sooner or later. And inevitably they come crawling back, begging my forgiveness. And I give it, because I am a just and benevolent princess. I’ve just come to accept that from time to time, you all must be reminded of your proper place in the world. You are all my beloved, loyal subjects. You have always been my subjects, you will always be my subjects. And do I not serve my subjects well? Are you not protected from invaders and monsters? Are you not blessed with progressive magic and technologies? You see, we have an arrangement. I provide all those things to you, and all I ask in return is a little loyalty and adulation. Perhaps a touch of worship? Is that too much to ask, in the grand scheme of things?

Honestly, I was willing to let all this go and just sweep it all under the rug. Even your little declaration is just cute enough to earn you no ill will and a spot of fondness among foal’s art projects and my sister’s letter magnets.

But you crossed the line when you had your little ‘Cake Party,’ and I’m afraid I must see this to its inevitable conclusion. You want independence? Fine. But you will have to fight for it.

I hope you’re ready for it. I am. I will fight the fight and I will win the war.

I’ll do it for your love. Because I do love you, my little ponies. Forever and ever. You just need to be reminded of that.

And make no mistake; I will kill your friends and family to remind you of my love.

Your Loving Ruler,

Princess Celestia of Equestria

What Comes Next?

DECISIVE VICTORY AT MANEHATTEN

GENERAL SPITFIRE UNCONDITIONALLY SURRENDERS TO GENERAL APPLEJACK

To my (former) beloved subjects of the new United States of Equestria,

Well… this was unexpected.

Did you know that you are the first group of ponies in recorded history who actually overcame your natural skittishness and requested aid from other nations? Somehow you knew that Gryphonstone, Prance, Yakistan, and Saddle Arabia all had an axe to grind with me for some reason or another. Looking back, it seems obvious that naming the now former Princess Twilight Sparkle as the Princess of Friendship would come back to bite me in the flank. Who knew that the easiest way of fostering peace between nations was to unite them against a common enemy?

I’d be proud of her if I wasn’t so absolutely full of rage.

And now the royal treasury is running low. The Crystal Empire’s ambassador is saying that Princess Cadance is considering ‘re-evaluating our relationship,’ as he puts it. The world has turned upside down and the United States of Equestria is very much a reality.

One small question; what comes next?

A small part of me is actually happy this happened, because now you get to see exactly how hard it is to lead. From what I hear, you’re already embroiled in your first real conflict. Half of you want Twilight Sparkle as your first president, given that she was the one who formed those alliances will all your new buddy nations. The other half want Applejack, since she was the one who led your armies to victory as General. I’ve read some truly hilarious pieces already in support of both of them. I’m particularly fond of the story of Applejack bucking down an apple tree and then admitting to it because her unfathomable honesty means that she simply cannot tell a lie.

So you’ve been “freed.” Awesome! Wow! Have you set up a new tax plan yet? Or will you pull your new nation out of war debt on the strength of dreams and wishes? Have your new allies decided on what they want in return for recognizing your sovereignty and aiding in your war? Have you decided where your capital will be? Have you settled on a new form of currency, or will you be sticking to the Canterlot bit? What rights will your citizens have? What won’t they have? What term limits will your elected officials have? What will your elected officials be paid?

That’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Oh, everything seems wonderful now. I’ve seen the non-stop parties across the country-side. The fireworks that spelled out ‘CE-LOSER-TIA’ were a nice touch. But the honeymoon period will end. It always does. And then the in-fighting will begin.

My little ponies, you war has only just begun.

Meanwhile I’ll remain here on my lonely mountain. I’ll watch your developing nation grow with great interest. Who knows? Maybe I’ll actually offer my aid and become an ally once my urge to vaporize you all has finally passed.

But know this. In the days to come, when factions form and tensions rise, when supplies run low and anger runs high, when you start to hate those you elect to lead you…

…Don’t come crawling back to me.

You finally have what you wanted.

You’re on your own.

Forever yours,

Princess Celestia of Canterlot

Bonus Chapter: I Know Him

UNITED STATES OF EQUESTRIA CELEBRATES SILVER ANNIVERSARY!
Director Pinkie Pie, soon to retire Chief of the Department of Celebrations and Smiles, promises a year-long celebration!

25 YEARS OF PEACE AND PROSPERITY!
The United Nations unveils statue dedicated to it's founder, Princess Cadance!

CHANGELINGS WELCOMED INTO THE U.N.! OFFERED LAND IN THE EAST!
Assembled delegates of the United Nations greet her majesty Queen Chrysalis with thunderous applause!

EVERFREE FOREST 100% SAFE AND READY TO BE COLONIZED, TOP SCIENTISTS PROCLAIM!
"After we learned to talk to the creatures there, it was just a matter of time." Says Dr. Fluttershy of the Department of Peaceful Progress!

PRINCESS FLURRY HEART OF THE CRYSTAL EMPIRE TO WED ROME APPLE, FIRST SON OF FORMER PRESIDENT APPLEJACK!
Celebration expected to last three weeks in two seperate countries!

APPLE STOCK SKYROCKETS AFTER ACQUISITION OF FLIM-FLAM INDUSTRIES!
CEO Applebloom unable to be reached for comment while she vacations in the Filly Islands!

AMBASSADOR SPIKE HINTS AT THE LONG AWAITED POSSIBILITY OF THE DRAGON-LANDS JOINING THE U.N.!
"The Dragon-Lord, Lady Ember, has been quite receptive to recent moves on the part of yours truly."

GENERAL RAINBOW DASH RETIRES WITH FULL HONORS!
Film about her tremendous victory at Stalliongrad, "Iron Wing," expected to smash box office records!

FORMER VICE PRESIDENT, SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY, SECRETARY OF STATE, SENATOR, AND SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE TWILIGHT SPARKLE ALREADY HINTING AT SEVENTH RUN FOR THE PRESIDENCY!
"I'll get it one of these days." Elder statesmare proclaims with a manic glint in her eye!

BILLIONAIRE FILTHY RICH REFLECTS ON HOW HE LOST THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE!
"Perhaps saying that I would be dating Diamond Tiara if she wasn't my daughter was a mistake."

CANTERLOT NOW THE ONLY CITY-STATE NOT LEANING TOWARDS JOINING THE U.N.!
The strong-hold of Celestianism remains quiet after numerous envoys from multiple presidents!

THOUSANDS TURN OUT FOR INAUGURATION OF PRESIDENT PIPSQUEAK!
First Lady Scootaloo dazzles in a Rarity original!

SHOCKING OVERNIGHT DELIVERY ON THE EVE OF INAUGURATION!
A letter from Princess Celestia herself published here in it's entirety!

To my beloved (former) subjects,

I know a great many of you are hoping that this letter means that all your wishes have come true, that your (formerly) beloved monarch has finally come around on things and has decided to let bygones be bygones and join your adorable little United Nations.

Sadly no, as the last twenty five years have done little to seethe the burning anger in my soul every time I look down on you all from my increasingly dusty castle.

You're developing democracy has actually become my greatest source of amusement, infuriating as that is. I have watched each new development with a keen eye. "Surely this will be the one that spells your doom" I tell myself with every choice you make, but no; you somehow continue to thrive. I mean, for the love of Me you actually welcomed in the Changelings. The CHANGELINGS. THE BUG MONSTERS THAT FEED ON YOUR LOVE AND CAN HIDE AMONGST YOU PERFECTLY. YOU WELCOMED THEM. AND NOTHING BAD HAPPENED. WHAT?!

...

WHAT?!

Ahem.

Sorry, I haven't used this dictation spell in quite some time. Not many calls for royal decrees anymore, are there?

Well, that's not fair. As your press is so fond of pointing out, there are a few hundred hold-outs still living in Canterlot. I'm still not sure how I feel about the idea that thinking I'm the best thing ever qualifies as a religion, but here we are. And it is rather nice being worshiped again. Reminds me of the old days. Which reminds me; I really must stop them before they start sacrificing ponies to me this time around.

So yes, the Celestianists and I take great interest with every step forward your new nation takes, taking bets on whether or not this will be the step where you trip and fall on your collective, stupid faces.

I thought for sure it would happen when Applejack stepped down. Insane, really. A pony with that much power just stepping away. Why? Because she was tired? Ludicrous. "Here it comes," I thought. "Civil war." But no. You just had another election and and chose another president.

I wasn't aware that was something somepony could do.

I was perplexed. I wondered if you were just going to keep on replacing whoever was in charge. Wouldn't that cause turmoil? Infighting? Differing ideologies causing a cultural shift in the very nature of your growing superpower?

Even now, decades later, and I'm still not sure how you continue to dance on the rain-slick precipice of disaster time and time again and manage to duck between the raindrops of chaos and war.

It probably helps that you have that traitorous Discord on your side.

But this time is different. This time you've done something that will one hundred percent blow up in your faces. You've elected a new president, and his name is Pipsqueak.

I know him. That can't be.

That's that little colt who used to come and play with Luna almost thirty years back.

That poor colt. They're going to eat him alive. I watched his whole campaign. Nothing but wishes and hopes and dreams and other nonsense that has nothing to do how the world really works. Does he really think those campaign promises he made are going to pass in that collection of self-serving simpletons you call a Congress? Not a chance in Tartarus.

When I told Luna, the poor dear just started giggling hysterically and bolted from the room. I haven't seen her since. I should really see how she's holding up.

Just a moment.

...

Well.

It would appear that my sister has defected. This letter she left behind seems to indicate that she has been negotiating said defection for some time with your new president.

...

I've lost my subjects. I've lost my kingdom. I've lost respect and admiration and love.

...

And now I've lost my sister as well.

...

Forgive me. I've just realized how much my voice echoes in the castle these days.

...

I could destroy you all, you know.

Yes. That is something I could do. I could wreak destruction and fury upon your houses, upon your pathetic little nation. I could use the sun's flames as the purging light of justice and erase any trace of this past quarter of a century from existence itself. I could force you all back into subjugation and simply do away with any and all who would continue to oppose me. I could kick-start one thousand years of misery and servitude the likes of which you could never even dream!

I COULD REDUCE THIS VERY WORLD TO THE ATOMS THAT CAME BEFORE AND START ANEW. IT WOULD TAKE MILLIONS OF YEARS, BUT I HAVE NOTHING BUT TIME! A FRESH START! A NEW BEGINNING! AND THEN...

And then...

...

And then, in time, this would all happen again, wouldn't it? Because that's the way of the world. Oceans rise, empires fall... and one thing stays the same.

Me.

I stay the same.

But you don't. You never have.

You grow and you thrive, you succeed and you fail, you live and you die. You are ever-changing and ever-flowing. Maybe it's time that I tried going with that flow instead of standing in the way of it as I always have before. Maybe this time, you might finally get everything right.

...

Well, maybe not this time. Because, seriously; President Pipsqueak?! You'll all be wallowing in misery and warfare by this time next year. Mark my words; you'll be back yet.

President Pipsqueak?

Hmph.

Good luck.

Princess Celestia of Canterlot

Ten Years Later

AT LONG LAST...
Canterlot Officially Joins the U.N.

Tens of thousands cheered as Princess Celestia finally raised the flag of Canterlot City in the Plaza of Unity, joining the flags of thirty seven other nations. After thirty five years of holding out, Canterlot's joining of the United Nations marks the official end, in the hearts and minds of many, of the terrible conflict that gave rise to the United States of Equestria.

"This is a moment long in the making." A glowing President Spike told the press at a conference after the flag-raising ceremony. "As someone who has known Princess Celestia since my earliest days, it is personally heart-warming to see her join the rest of us in this new age of peace and prosperity."

"This is only the first step in healing old wounds." Princess Celestia herself admitted in her own press conference, her sister beaming at her side. "The next, as I understand it, will be welcoming an ambassador to Canterlot. I have already made the request that it be my old student Twilight Sparkle. She and I have much to catch up on."

Twilight Sparkle could not be reached for comment as she is currently in the midst of planning her next presidential campaign.