Alicornication

by Sporktacles

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Sugarcoat, Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy
Length: 2597

Equestria is having a little problem - there are starting to be way, way too many alicorns! Sugarcoat investigates and makes a lot of very awkward discoveries - namely that it's all Cadance's fault. .

The 19th Equestrian Alicorn Council is now in session! The Council is the current ruling body of Equestria, on which sits every alicorn in the country.

There's just one problem. The council is currently comprised of 84% of Equestria's population.

Princess Sugarcoat, the official speaker of the council, investigates just exactly how this state of affairs began.

Turns out, it's all Cadance's fault.

Trigger warnings: Alicorns making fun of Twilight Sparkle and Cadance.

Rated Teen and Sex for a giant pile of sex-related idiocy.

Published 2016-03-17 06:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-17 06:30:01 UTC

Way, way too many Alicorns.

Princess Sugarcoat raised the gavel with her magic and tapped it lightly on the block in front of her. Attempting to speak into the microphone caused a burst of feedback from the speakers, making her wince until the sound crew corrected the problem.

“I hereby call the 19th meeting of the Equestrian Council of Alicorns to order!”

All around her, the assembled masses settled. The stadium was filled to capacity with alicorns of every color, shape and age. Many were wearing crowns and regalia, but the vast majority simply sat naked in their seats, awaiting the proceedings. Amongst them were alicorns who specialized in long-distance image-projection, so that those who were not present could still view the proceeding and submit their votes.

“Very good. Let us begin with the recital of our agreed-upon motto. Blame Cadance!”

“Blame Cadance!” echoed the throngs of alicorns.

Sugarcoat nodded, then looked down at the notes she had laid upon the podium. “First up on the agenda is the renaming of ‘Equestria’ to the more-accurate ‘Alicornia’, in light of the fact that eighty-four percent of the population now has both wings and horns. Any objections?”

A hoof went up in the front row.

“Princess Starlight Glimmer?”

A pink alicorn with a purple mane and cyan highlights stood up. “That name is discriminatory against the few remaining non-alicorns that still exist in Equestria!”

“Fair point,” said Sugarcoat. “Any comments from the floor?”

A hoof was raised, and a stallion’s voice rang out. “When will our population be one-hundred-percent alicorns?”

Sugarcoat pointed at a lavender alicorn in the front row. “Princess Twilight Sparkle?”

Twilight sighed and did a few mental calculations. “Approximately? The month after next.”

The same voice from earlier yelled, “Then I motion to delay renaming our nation till that happens!”

“Let’s put it to a vote,” said Sugarcoat. Bright lights filled the stadium, as thousands of horns lit up in tandem. Above them, a large scoreboard magically tallied the votes and computed the results. A loud sound rang out through the stadium, indicating a majority in favor.

*DING!*

“Motion passes. Equestria will be renamed Alicornia when it is completely populated by alicorns. Next up on the agenda we have…” She groaned as she observed the name and proposal. Looking back at the lavender mare right in front of her podium, she deadpanned, “Twilight Sparkle.”

There was a chorus of boos from the stadium as she took the stage. They were more than aware of what she would say, having heard the same idea several times already.

“Mares and Gentlecolts, I would like to resubmit my proposal for a system of representatives to govern…” she began.

“Look, Princess Twilight,” said Sugarcoat. “We’ve already been through this before. Why would we need representatives to help us make decisions when we can simply vote ourselves? We all know what we want, and we have the magic to submit and tally votes instantaneously. Representatives would have only made sense back before we all had a means to properly communicate what we wanted. Right now we can just call an instant referendum every single time we need to make a decision, and just ask every alicorn in Equestria right away whether they think it’s a good idea.”

“But…”

“Look, let me demonstrate.” Sugarcoat turned to address the crowd. “All in favor for Twilight Sparkle’s motion to replace our legislative system of individual voting with her idea to have us elect officials we barely know, to make those decisions for us behind closed doors, with no way for us to determine if they actually are representing our interests?”

*BZZZT!*

“Motion defeated! There you go, Twilight. The system works. Get off my podium, thank you.”

Twilight grumbled inaudibly as she stepped away and walked back to her seat.

“Next up, Princess Bill Neigh has an update on the ongoing investigation into the gradual alicornication of Equestria.”

There was a general rousing of interest as a gray stallion stepped up to the podium. He cleared his throat. “I’d prefer Prince Bill Neigh, if it’s all the same to you.”

“It’s not all the same to us. Your official title is Princess, as dictated by the Royal Equestrian Legislative Act, which states that all alicorns are to be granted the title of Princess and an equal share in the government of Equestria. It was signed by the then-sole monarch Princess Celestia and hence is legally binding until repealed or modified by a vote from the Council.”

Bill Neigh frowned. “Well then, before I begin, I propose that alicorn stallions be given the title of Prince instead!”

“Fine. All in favor?”

*BZZZT!*

He facehoofed. “How does that motion keep getting defeated?”

A yellow stallion wearing a vest and Stetson raised his hoof. “Ah like bein’ a Princess!”

Sugarcoat sighed. “Yes we know, Princess Braeburn.”

“Eeyup!”

“….and Princess Big McIntosh.”

Bill Neigh rubbed his temples. “All right then, let’s move on. Allow me to recap what we know so far. As the Council is well aware, There were only two alicorns for over a thousand years, until the ascension of the Princess of Love. And then the rate of alicorns appearing in Equestria has been steadily increasing ever since the arrival of the Harbinger of End.” He coughed. “Blame Cadance.”

“Blame Cadance!” intoned the multitudes.

“The pattern had been quite systematic,” he continued, “occurring in sudden bursts at exactly six-month intervals without fail.”

“There was a year-long interval not long after!” noted Princess Twilight Sparkle.

“Yes, but that was likely because right before that, all five remaining former bearers of the Elements of Harmony became alicorns.” He counted the individual names off his wingfeathers. “Rainbow Dash’s ascension to the position of Princess of Awesome, Pinkie Pie became the Princess of Parties, Fluttershy was of course made the Princess of Animals, Applejack was awarded the title of Princess of Apples, and then finally came Princess Rarity of Shallow Unrequited Crushes.”

A well-groomed white mare in the front row frowned and mumbled, “Why couldn’t I have been Princess of Fashion…”

“Don’t complain, Princess Rarity. You were the last one to even get your own dominion,” Sugarcoat said. “Princess Sunset Shimmer and Princess Starlight Glimmer came right after you and had to share the title of Princess of Friendship with Princess Twilight Sparkle.”

“If I may continue,” said Bill Neigh, “that was around the time the process began accelerating. Six months later half of Alicornville – known as Ponyville at the time – had ascended to alicornhood. A year later there was no longer a six month-long interval between ascensions and the rate of alicornication has only exponentially increased. Now, there have been some unexpected benefits. Since every alicorn has an equal share in the ruling of our nation we are on track to becoming the very first functional democracy on Equis. Food production is up over eight-hundred percent, as many former pegasi and unicorns with food-related cutie-marks, such as the entire Lemon family of unicorns, can now efficiently pursue their destinies using their newfound earth-pony magic. We’ve narrowed the wealth-divide significantly since now everyalicorn can use spells and power magical devices; not to mention not having to write with their mouths anymore, which has made literacy rates skyrocket-”

“See, it’s been a great thing! Why do you all hate me so much then?” asked Princess Cadance.

“-all at the cost of the impending extinction of the remaining three pony tribes,” he finished.

“Oh.”

“And that’s not even considering the fact that the Bringer of End crawled right out of your crotch,” pointed out Sugarcoat.

“Hey! Don’t talk that way about Flurry!” yelled a white stallion in a guardspony uniform.

“How else would you describe her, Princess Prince-Consort Shining Armor? She’s less than three years old now and her nine-foot wingspan has forced us to widen all the doorways in Canterlot palace. By the time she’s a teenager I don’t think her ludicrously huge horn will let her fit indoors.”

“That’s ridiculous! She can fold her wings just like everyalicorn else!”

Sugarcoat raised an eyebrow. “How, exactly?”

He looked at the enormous mess of feathers wrapped around the foal he was carrying. “Err, well…”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

“Wait, why does he get to be a prince?” asked Bill Neigh.

“Obviously because Princess Prince-Consort Shining Armor was already a Prince by royal decree at the time he became a Princess.” replied Sugarcoat. “You know it worked the very same way with Princess Prince Blueblood.”

A hoof shot up and an effete voice shouted, “I don’t mind being a Princess either!”

“Shut up, Blueblood.”

The hoof lowered.

Sugarcoat turned back to Bill Neigh. “Enough with the recap, get to your point.”

“Right,” said the stallion nervously. “Well, ever since the first stallion alicorns, we’ve managed to discover a link in the method by which it began to spread. Now, at the moment mere close contact between an alicorn and a non-alicorn pony will result in alicornication. But we’ve confirmed that only about a year ago there was a definite requirement of pony-to-pony physical contact, which at the time occurred primarily between the majority lesbian community.”

Sugarcoat narrowed her eyes. “Are you suggesting what I think you are? What kind of physical contact specifically?”

“Err, well… direct genital contact.”

Twilight Sparkle shouted, “Wait, are you saying alicornhood is a sexually-transmitted disease?”

“Not anymore! But… at one time, yes.”

“That doesn’t make any sense!” yelled Shining Armor. “Cadance is my wife, and I only became an alicorn about a year ago!”

Bill Neigh nodded. “The very first alicorn stallion, yes. We suspect that the condition at first only affected pony mares, but it eventually mutated to be able to transform stallions as well. That was probably how it later spread to batpony mares, starting with Princess Fluffentuft-”

“Woo!”

“-and then batpony stallions,” he finished. “Which brings us to a very worrying quandary. We’re still in the dark as to earliest vectors of pathogenesis.”

The assembled ponies all turned towards the front row.

“No, wait wait wait, this can't be right!” shouted Twilight. “I mean, because I never… er – that is…”

“Twilight, be honest with the council,” said Sugarcoat flatly. “Did you or did you not have semi-incestual intimate relations with your sister-in-law, mentor, or your mentor’s sister?”

“No, that’s disgusting! At the time I had never even done… ah…” she blushed and covered her muzzle with her hooves.

“We believe you, Twilight,” reassured Sugarcoat. “The council is well aware of how lonely your Saturday nights were. Are you however certain that you never had any genital contact with an alicorn prior to your ascension?

“No, of course not! I kept my privates very much to myself, thank you! I never even raised my tail for anypony except… for…” Twilight started to blush even harder, realization suddenly dawning.

“Do you have something to tell the council, Princess Twilight Sparkle?” asked Sugarcoat.

“Uhm…” Twilight got on the stage and cupped her hooves against Sugarcoat’s ear, whispering quietly. The other alicorn’s eyebrows rose about an inch as she listened.

“I think the council needs to see this.”

“What? No!” protested Twilight.

“I hereby motion that Princess Twilight Sparkle and Princess Cadance immediately demonstrate this ‘Sunshine’ ritual to the council!”

*DING!*

The two alicorns in question sighed resignedly. Cadance clambered up onto the podium, and faced her sister-in-law. They began their traditional foalhood greeting.

The eyes of the entire congregated nation widened considerably.

“…and give a little shake,” they both ended in unison, with considerably less enthusiasm than they usually did.

“…and you say you did this in public with Princess Twilight Sparkle while she was a foal?” asked Sugarcoat.

Cadance nodded embarrassedly.

A hoof shot up from the crowd “Motion to ban Princess Cadance from foalsitting anyalicorn other than her own cursed offspring!”

*DING!*

“Passed,” said Sugarcoat. “Okay, while this is all very amusing and scandalous in its own right, I don’t quite see how there’s any physical contact.”

Twilight chuckled nervously. “Well, soon after the wedding, there was one time we were standing just a little too close when we started, so um…”

“You gave each other a booty-bump.”

Twilight nodded. She demonstrated by taking a step backwards while her rear was still in the air, making it collide lightly with the pink alicorn’s.

Smush.

The widened eyes of the crowd widened further, and several loud gasps could be heard. Some mothers quickly covered the eyes of their foals. The two swiftly parted at the commotion.

A hoof shot up, and an effeminate stallion’s voice called out, “I motion to have Princesses Twilight and Cadance demonstrate that ritual again for clarity!”

*BZZT!* Several nearby mares glared angrily in the direction of the stallion.

“Shut up, Blueblood,” said Sugarcoat automatically. “Okay, that’s enough. Get off my podium, you two. I hope that you are sufficiently ashamed of yourselves.”

The red faces on the pair as they descended told her that they were.

Bill Neigh coughed, breaking out of his gaping stare. “Well that explains a lot. But that still doesn’t explain how it spread to the rest of Ponyville-”

“It was Pinkie Pie, wasn’t it,” said Sugarcoat.

“Yeppers!” a handful of confetti burst into the air. “I make everyone in Ponyville smile! And Twilight too, after she lost her tree house and was very sad. Then I met Rainbow Dash while she was-”

“We get the idea, Pinkie. Did you also have sex with Sunset Shimmer?”

“Uh, no. I didn’t get to go to the human-world,” admitted Pinkie. “The only pony who ever went across the mirror on a regular basis was Twi…light…”

Everyalicorn turned in the direction of Twilight Sparkle, who was blushing harder than ever.

“Figures you have a primate fetish,” said Sugarcoat. “Wait just a second. Is this in any way related to why the other Twilight Sparkle-” indicating an almost identical lavender alicorn wearing glasses and having her mane tied up into a bun, “-ascended at the exact same time as Sunset Shimmer?”

She looked over to the amber mare sitting next to both Twilights. Sunset Shimmer just grinned widely.

Sugarcoat sighed. “You had a threesome with two Twilight Sparkles.”

Sunset’s grin widened further.

“I don’t know whether to smack you or hoof-bump you. Probably both. Well, there’s only one last disturbing thing left to ascertain, but since this seems like a session for awkward revelations we might as well get it all out of the way. Princess Luna wasn’t around at the time of Princess Cadance’s ascension, so I’m afraid I have to ask: Princess Cadance and Princess Celestia, have you had any kind of intimate contact prior to her ascension?”

Both mares looked at each other. Princess Celestia’s famous white coat was turning a very dark shade of red, which didn’t go unnoticed.

Sugarcoat nodded in understanding. “A thousand years of celibacy down the toilet, huh. Well, that settles it. It’s nothing that we didn’t already guess anyway. Princess Cadance, I officially declare your booty to be patient zero of the alicorn outbreak. Kindly avoid future booty-bumps with unsuspecting creatures, in case you next transform something like petrification into an STD and all of alicornkind is turned into stone.”

Another hoof shot up, this time that of a mare’s. “Motion to change our motto to ‘Blame Cadance’s Booty!”

*DING!*

“Passed!”

Author's Note

Apologies to ocalhoun for nicking the name of his awesome batpony.

You all know which preview video inspired this fic. Seriously though, I think we should kinda give the little freak of nature a chance. She may turn out to be pretty awesome.