Lost To The Zone

Chapters

A Cheeki Breeki Prologue
Chapter One: Bad Vodka
Chapter Two: Capitol Cheeki Breeki
Chapter 3: Godly Cheeki Breeki
Chapter 4: Cheeki Breeki Tour

A Cheeki Breeki Prologue

“Cheeki breeki i v damke!” A soundclip blared from my car’s speakers, quickly followed by the beautiful noises of the slavviest song ever, remixed into hardbass. Truly, it was beautiful. I had, of course, filled my phone with a playlist of other such slav songs, it was only appropriate. You see, I was heading to a games convention, dressed in my best S.T.A.L.K.E.R. gear. Ushanka, gas mask, hooded leather coat, and some old russian surplus body armour and fatigues, plus some webbing and pouches, and of course, some nice combat boots. In the backpack in the seat next to me were three bottles of vodka, Cossack’s brand, a balaclava for when the gas mask got too uncomfortable, and a cassette mix-tape full of cheeki breeki, plus tape player, and a radio to complete the look. On my thigh, as poor a choice as it was to wear while driving, I had a fake Makarov Pistol. I had wanted to bring a Kalashnikov as well, but sadly, the convention had arrived sooner than I had been able to finish my masterpiece, oh well, sacrifices must be made. I was still certain that I would be the cheekiest of the breekies there, even without an adidas tracksuit.

After a two hour drive in which I really wished I had chosen not to wear the gas mask, I arrived at the convention center. It was a little after six o'clock, but due to the popularity of the convention, it took around ten minutes to find a parking space. Finally, I got out of my car, slipped my backpack on, and started walking around the building to the front.

Once inside, I saw the most amazing scenes I ever had, you see, I’d never been to a convention before. I saw people dressed up as Spartans, from Halo. Others dressed as Gordon Freeman. Some Call of Duty characters, a particularly good Captain Price included. All and all, it was truly a unique scene laid before me. After talking with security for a quick moment over the issue of my makarov, I was let onto the floor to explore the sights.

Now, enjoying events was my main reason for coming but at the insistence of a close friend of mine, I had also brought around $280 dollars to spend on all the ‘amazing cool stuff I would find’ his words, not mine. I will admit, though, I was glad I listened. You know how I said I had no Kalashnikov, yes? Well, that was a travesty to the costume I will gladly admit, and so my eyes widened with joy when I saw, at a vendor table, a beautiful AK-47, looking like it had come right from the hands of Mikhail Kalashnikov himself! It even had a bayonet on the end! Needless to say, it had to be mine.

I got a closer look at the guy selling as I approached, well, as good a look as I could. He was covered nearly head to toe in dark clothing, a bandanna around his mouth included. Finally, as I was nearly to the stand, I realised he was supposed to be the Merchant from Resident Evil! I will admit, I never really played the series, but he was an iconic character, and a good choice for a seller at a convention!

“Ah, hello Stalker, how can I help you?” He said as I approached, behind my gas mask I must admit I beamed at how quickly he recognized my outfit.

“I was wondering, how much are you selling this beautiful Kalashnikov for, Comrade?” I asked him, in my best Russian accent of course, as one is must to do. At the same time I was already pulling out my wallet.

“Ahh, of course, nothing but the best in Russian engineering for a Stalker, yes? Well, normally a replica of this quality goes for something of $360 dollars, you understand, but for a man such of yourself, hmm, I’ll discount it to $220, and I’ll thrown in three extra magazines and a sling for you, sound good Comrade?” That was nearly all of my money, and I was loathe to spend it all so quickly, but honestly, I needed that Kalash for my outfit, and when else would I find such a great deal? With a nod of affirmative, I pulled out the cash from my wallet, picked up the rifle and the magazines he gave to me, and thanked him profusely for such a discount.

I turned from the table, new rifle in my arms, and a smile under my gas mask! I didn’t really think at the time, but it was curious how heavy the rifle was for a replica, and why it had magazines at all was also a good question, but at the time I was simply too happy. I went to walk off, my load heavier and my wallet lighter, to go find other exhibits and costumes to admire, but as I took a few steps I felt the ground go from out under me, and fell into whiteness.

*****

“Urghh, pain in back reminds me of time as conscript in Serbia…” I groaned in pain, both from a very sore back, and a headache, as I got to my feet. Finally standing up and not lying down, I looked around to see… bright green grass, lush trees, and a blue sky. This was quite different than the weather of my home, which was overcast at the time I was at the convention. Oh, and there weren’t forests like this there! Obviously I was no longer at home.

“Well… this is worse time than trying to find clean hooker in Ukraine.” I muttered, before remembering the much more important things about my situation, mainly, I had landed on my back but I didn’t feel my backpack there!

Quickly I looked around the small clearing I was in before spotting the black fabric of my pack lying near one of the many trees, quickly I rushed open and looked through the contents. Offering my thanks to the Slav Gods, I found that all three bottles of my vodka were in perfectly fine condition, as was my mixtape and phone charger, although in the forest that would be of little help. Next to the pack I also found the Kalashnikov I had bought from that merchant. Connecting the circumstances in my mind, I figured that something about that man and this Kalash had transported me here, odd as it seemed. I was in no position to complain about weapons however, and a quick pat down of my pouches revealed the three magazines I had been given, now rattling a little as I moved them, odd.

Taking a magazine out of the pouch I realized the rattling was actually the sound of a magazine full of bullets, the 7.62x39mm cartridges knocking against the sides of the container. Staring at the new bullets, I quickly pulled the Kalash over to my, operating the mag release, I found that it too now contained a full set of 30 cartridges. The magazine safely out of the rifle, I pulled back the bolt to examine the completely real barrel and action of my Kalash.

It seems that whatever took me to this forest also turned my Kalash real, which I must admit I wasn’t very disappointed at. An idea coming to my, I quickly replaced the magazine in my Kalash, and stored the other one in a pouch. Slinging the rifle over my shoulder, I unholstered the Makarov from my hip. Right away I knew it wasn’t the same Makarov I had made with my own hands, far from it. The prop I had made was mostly wood and paint, a bit of metal for wait, and painstakingly worked over to look as life-like as possible. What I held in my hands now was the real deal, a Makarov.

As with the Kalash, I quickly thumbed the magazine release, causing the gleaming metal magazine to drop from the grip of the gun. Holding it in my other hand, I was ecstatic to find it too was full. Eight cartridges of 9x18mm ammunition sat in the magazine, awaiting their use in the removal of the Motherland’s enemies. I must say, my situation just got a whole lot better.

With my guns now real and loaded, my pack secure, and a few swallows of vodka in my belly, I began my trek through the forest in search of civilization. Slav Survival time.

Author's Note

You see Vladimir, when write story based on slav, you are never be of the bored because of constant amusement from vodka!

Chapter One: Bad Vodka

“In the fields of Prokhorovka, where the heat of battle burned…” I sang along to what was playing on my phone, still walking through this damn forest.

At first I had kept silent, just in case , but decided after about an hour that, one, I had a gun, and two, it was far too boring out here without music. And besides, I had one of those solar charger things, and wasn’t lacking for sunlight, so I wasn’t all too worried about my phone dying on me. I never really liked walking much you know, as an American I enjoy my freedom to be lazy. That being said, I think all the slav I had surrounded myself in must have been rubbing off, because honestly, I didn’t feel tired or sore or anything from all this walking!

I was still bored out of my mind though, even with my music playing. I know they say the journey is half the adventure, but when the journey is through a forest that looks pretty much the same no matter where you go, well, I start to believe more and more that the end is what’s more important.

*****

Four more hours of walking and it looked like the sun was finally getting a little lower in the sky. My wrist-watch said it was 6:20 in the afternoon, but there was no telling how accurate that would actually be here, with that said, it was still the only thing I had to go off.

Luckily, it looked like my hike through the jungle was coming to an end, as I saw a break in the foliage up ahead, as well as what looked like an actual man-made path which I quickly got on.

*****

Well, I was certainly not in America any more. The clearing of the foliage, and the path, had lead to a small village. The place looked medieval at best, with stone walls and thatched hay roofing. It looked, while not large, of at least a moderate size, with plenty of what seemed to be housing, as well as a central market area. That was about all I could see from my place outside the town though. Deciding that there was nothing else to do, and that I would need food eventually, I started my way towards the main road I could see leading into the village. Oddly enough, there didn’t seem to be anyone walking about, yet it wasn’t even that late in the day.

*****

Searching the village revealed many closed houses, shops, and little else. I didn’t find a single person in my entire time looking through the place, which took at least half an hour. I was just about to give up, sit down on a bench, and take a rest with some vodka, when I heard some noise. Walking down a street I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed before, there was clearly the sounds of a party coming from one of the buildings. It took a while, but eventually I narrowed it down to a very unique building.

“You know… I have seen house that is in a tree, but I have never seen tree that is a house! Eh, oh well, at least it sounds like there are people… maybe they have some food, as well!” I spoke to myself as I walked in front of the door for a bit, deciding my actions. I was a bit self-conscious at how rude it might be to interrupt a party, but at the same time, I really needed to know where I was, and get some food.

Slinging my Kalashnikov over my shoulder, so as not to make a scene, I decided to try the handle on the odd, two-halved door. Thankfully it was unlocked, perhaps to let any latecomers to the obvious party inside an easy entry? It was not of my concern as I pulled open the door and gazed inside.

My first thought was that the decoration was bright, colorful as well. As my eyes adjusted to the different lighting, I realized it was simply the almost garish color of the party-goer’s clothing, which was very much dissimilar from my dark colored camouflage . A few moments later of letting myself adjust, I then noticed a very important problem with the inhabitants.

They weren’t humans, at all.

“What the fuck was in that vodka!” I shouted in surprise as I gazed upon the face of one of the creatures inside. It looked more or less human, stood on two legs, and had two arms coming from the torso, the head was even pretty normal looking until you got a look at the face. Then you realize you’re staring at a fucking horse-person and you freak the fuck out.

I guess I wasn’t as quiet as I might’ve thought, because after my exclamation I heard a record scratch as the music died, and everyone turned to look at me. Did I mention they all had fur, too? And they were fucking technicolor!

Anyway, the music stopped and I had a veritable mass of weird, technicolor, horse-people staring at me. Actually, this was probably the entire populace of the town, now that I think about it. Anyway, I did what any normal person would do.

“Nope, nope, nope, I’ll take the train straight to fuckthisshitville!” I started muttering, backing my way out the door as all the things inside kept their eyes locked on me. At the point where I had cleared the doorway, I quickly shoved the door back into place before bolting from the area, this shit was too much man.

*****

“Well vodka, I am not in Ukraine any more… Wait, I was never in Ukrai- ah whatever, this is not Earth!” I muttered into the bottle of vodka clutched in my hands, I was near the edge of the town, sitting on a secluded bench to both catch my breath and try to go over what I saw. Of course, it was also the perfect time to have a drink, after all, I hadn’t gotten to when I was hiking.

“Okay, so, facts. I went to games convention on Earth, everyone is human, all is good. I buy Kalashnikov from shady guy at convention, fall into a white light, shit gets weird. I go walking through forest, guns are real now, and everything doesn’t look right, okay I can deal with that. I come across this town, nobody is here because they’re having a party, and they all end up being fucking horse-people, shit is no longer okay. Ugh, well, at least I still have vodka!” I cheered up a bit at that, taking a hearty swig from the bottle, feeling the Russian Water flow through me, and fill me with a sense of courage. I also had the suspicion I was now slightly more immune to radiation poisoning.

I decided that, if I wanted to make progress, I would have to deal with these horse-people as they seemed to be the only civilization here. I was not happy that I would have to back and face such weird creatures, but it was either that or probably starve and get lost. So, with a few more gulps of vodka, a loaded Kalashnikov, and a more calm outlook on the situation, I headed back to the house-tree-thing.

*****

I couldn’t hear the music of the party inside, in fact, I think most of the townspeople had gone back to doing whatever they do, because I saw more horse-people walking around and working in stores than last time. This is to say, there were actually people around doing their jobs. My gas mask affixed to hide my emotions, and my ushanka proudly displaying the symbol of Soviet Russia for courage, I knocked politely on the door.

It took a moment, but eventually the door was opened by one of the creatures, a white-furred one, with purple hair and matching purple clothes. I wasn’t one for fashion, but I guessed they were probably some fancy, high-class cut.

We both stared at each other for a moment, before I decided to break the silence. “Ah, hello, I am here to talk to runner of party, I wish to offer apology.” That was what I told her anyway, and it was true, I did want to apologize for apparently killing off the party. That said, whoever lived here must be important if everyone came to this house for the party, and important people would know more about… eh… everything, I guess.

“I-uhm, yes, yes that sounds very reasonable. Just wait here a moment, I’ll go tell her you’re here.” With that the white horse-person, who I just realized also had a horn growing from its forehead, closed the door on me and presumably went off to find this party-planner.

And so I just stood there like a moron for three minutes, fiddling with my mask, making sure my ushanka was on straight, checking that my combat rigging wasn’t tangling itself up. Finally, the door opened again with the same white horn-head creature, who asked me to come inside.

All things considered, I shouldn’t have been surprised, but it was still a bit weird to see the circular main room. This place must have been some kind of library, or archive, because there were shelves carved into the wood of the walls, surrounding a central round table, and filled with books of all sizes and colors. Sitting at this round table were five more of the horse-people. Two of them had wings, being yellow with pink hair, and blue with rainbow hair respectively. Another two just looked normal, they were orange with blond hair and then… pink on pink with pink… dear god. Anyway, the last one was purple with darker purple hair, and had both a horn thing and wings… which was fucking weird.

The white one moved past me and went over to join who I assumed were her friends, along the way offering a chair to me which I quickly took. We all just sort of stared at each other before the purple one nudged the white one to ask her something.

“Uh, Rarity, why is this guy back here? Who is he anyway?” Good question purple-thing, good question indeed. Rather than letting this ‘Rarity’ explain, I decided to speak up.

“Yes, this is good question. You see, I came back because I wanted to offer apology. I realize, it was quite rude for me just to open door in middle of party. Also, it is seeming to be like everyone left because of me, so I apologize for this as well.” I said, trying my best to convey how sincere I was being even though they couldn’t see my face. Thankfully, the mask didn’t manage to muffle anything.

Before I knew what happened my world was suddenly filled with pink.

“Oh my gosh, so you must be the guy who interrupted the party, right? That was sorta shocking for everyone, did you hear, the DJ even stopped the record! Although, to be fair, the party had been going for a few hours, I think Twilight was gonna ask for it to end pretty soon anyway, so I guess it’s a good thing you made everyone stop! Anyway, at least you came back to apologize, most people who crash my parties are just huge jerks about it! You seem alright, at least, although that mask is kinda weird, but that’s a cool star on your hat!” In what seemed to be a single breath the creature in front of me spoke out a rapid fire barrage of what was surely a paragraph’s worth of words, so fast I couldn’t even catch all of them. If I had known I would need to have my best reflexes, I wouldn’t have downed half a bottle of vodka!

I studied her for a moment, what with her being right in front of me. Her fur was pink, and her hair was a large curly mess of a slightly darker shade. Her eyes, which were exceptionally large by my standards, were a bright blue. Those, along with her clothes, were the only things not pink about her. She had light-blue jeans, as well as a white t-shirt, the shirt had three balloons on it, two yellow and one light blue. Those clothes were the only thing that provided any contrast to this horse-person before me.

“Ah, yes, I am man of higher class… and not jerk, most of time.” I said simply, still trying to process everything that she had said, before eventually giving up. It was around that time the purple one chimed in.

“Alright, well, if you’ve apologized, is there any other reason you’re here? Or why you came here back when the party was still going. You don’t look like anyone I’ve ever seen before, so it can’t have been for the party.” She trailed off at the end, perhaps thinking up all sorts of theories as to how I got here. I was certain she would never guess that I was here because a shady guy, and a cool gun.

“Ahh, yes, yes, good question! You are right in many regard, I am not from this place. In fact, given what I see around me, I am somehow in different world from one I call home! I only come to this conclusion because, and no offense to anyone of course, you all look quite strange for people going by the standards of my usual life. Anyway, I thought, maybe is good idea to ask someone important for where I am. I found my way here because, I thought, party with entire town must be held at important person house, yes?” I tried to explain my circumstances as simply as possible, and it seemed to work, because nobody called me a crazy person.

What followed was about three hours, or however long it took the sun to go down, filled with explanations of where I was. After many questions from myself, I finally had an understanding of the world. Apparently, I was now in some magical land of horse-people, who called themselves ‘ponies’, which was known as Equestria.

Ugh, I need more vodka for this.

Author's Note

Here we see Ivan's reactions to ponies. Is not pretty. Thankfully, lots of vodka and Russian courage let's him get through it. Like true slav, da.

Chapter Two: Capitol Cheeki Breeki

“So, place is called Equestria… and is filled with.. Ponies?” I asked, unsure of how well I was actually understanding my situation.

“Yes, we are all ponies. You actually look a lot like a pony too, but your face is much flatter, at least I assume from what I can tell from that mask,” replied the purple colored ‘alicorn’ who was named Twilight Sparkle.

“And so, country is rule by big ponies who… move sun and moon? All because of thing you are call ‘magic’?” Apparently magic was a thing, and yes it was shocking, but I couldn’t really call her a liar what with how she was levitating a notebook and pencil to take notes while she talked to me.

“That is correct, the Country of Equestria is ruled by the two Princesses Celestia and Luna, who control to movements of the Sun and Moon, respectively. And yes, because of their magic,” She replied, talking slow enough both to let me digest the new information, and to take notes of her own.

“So, thought occurs: I am in need of talking with Princess Ponies, to be finding way of go home,” I nodded as I spoke, this seemed to be the most intelligent course of action, and by the way she nodded as well it did seem that Twilight agreed.

“Well, if that is what you wish to do, I’ll send letter to the Princess. She should be able to have transport to her palace for tomorrow. In the meantime, I can offer you the guest bedroom here, unless you’d like to sleep in the woods.” She finished that sentence with a little bit of a grin, it was amusing. I was in no position to deny her offers, and in any case, I didn’t trust those woods.

“Sleeping inside house is sound like good idea, yes. Had enough of sleeping in wilderness during time being conscript in Serbia. Not fun place, Serbia.” You know why nobody ever says ‘oh, go visit Serbia, it’s nice’? It’s because Serbia is shit. It’s terrible and cold, and conscripts are never given enough vodka to stay warm.

Anyway, night was drawing near, so right after she sent off the letter to the Princess, apparently by having some weird dragon-y guy burn it up, she went off to bed. Thankfully, she did happen to tell show me to the guest room first, so I wasn’t just left wondering where to go.

Looking around, it was a rather sparsely decorated room, but still cozy. It was tall enough for me to stand straight—and I was rather tall—and it was big enough for a full bed, a desk, lounging chair, and an end table. I decided it’d be more economical of my time to just be ready to go when I woke up in the morning, not like I had a change of clothes anyway, so I just dumped my pack and coat onto the chair before climbing into bed. Flicking off the lamp on the end table, I quickly fell to sleep.

*****

I woke up the next day, and as light streamed through the window, I realized my mistake in sleeping in my gas mask as I opened my mouth and had my breath forced back into my face, eugh. Needless to say, vodka does not make up for proper dental hygiene.

Thankfully enough, the guest room did have an attached bathroom, I didn’t know how I missed it at first, but eh, I was tired. I decided that, even though I couldn’t clean my clothes, I could at least clean myself. And I mean hey, they weren’t too dirty anyway, right? Right.

Fifteen minutes later I was washed, fully awake, and my breath no longer smelled like alcohol. A few minutes after that, my gear was fully re-equipped, my kalashnikov was checked and ready, and I was completely prepared for the new day.

I walked out of the guest room and poked about the library part of the house for a bit, before smelling the smells of blin! Fantastic, pancakes are perhaps the best kind of breakfast, I thought as I moved towards the smell.

Sadly, it seemed there was no blin left, as I rounded the corner into what appeared to be a kitchen, and saw Twilight and her assistant Spike, the dragon-y guy, sitting and eating breakfast.

“Oh, good morning- uh… I don’t think I ever got your name actually,” Twilight greeted me, at which point I froze for a moment upon realizing my complete lack of manners. I had been there three hours to have Equestria explained to me, had slept in her house as a guest, and had never even introduced myself! Horrible, really.

“Oy, blin, I am horrible guest. Very sorry, thought of introduction completely slipped mind what with talk of ponies and magic and all. Anyway, my name is Ivan, is pleasure to formally introduce myself.” I responded, trying to convey my apology as best I could through a gas mask. I think she got the idea.

“No, no, it’s perfectly fine. After all, you did just get transported from your world to ours, so, shock is to be expected. Anyway, Ivan, Spike and I were just finishing breakfast, I tried to get him to leave you some pancakes but uh… well, you can see how that turned out. I’m sure I can make you something if you’re hungry though! Wouldn’t want to meet the Princesses on an empty stomach after all!” Well, that explains why Spike looked a bit, uh, bloated I guess. I was half tempted to take her up on the offer but at the same time, she had been so generous already.

“Ah, no, is fine. I couldn’t possibly ask you to do that for me, and anyway, I am have perfect Slav breakfast ready right here!” I said, shrugging off my backpack to the clinking of bottles inside, I quickly opened it up and pulled out an almost empty bottle of Cossack’s Vodka, finest in all of Chernobyl. “You see, real man is not need food for breakfast, is just need vodka! Anyway, I’m not drunk enough yet in first place.” With those words I undid the top, pulled up my gas mask, and downed the last of the bottle. Ah, it burns. In a good way, you know?

“Well that is certainly an interesting philosophy… wait a moment, is that alcohol! You can’t tell me you’re going to see the Princesses when you’re drunk!” Apparently Russians did not exist in this ‘Equestria’ place, otherwise Twilight would know, the only time you should worry is when a slav is sober.

“No, no, not at all! Is just a little bit of vodka, not even half bottle! I am fine to be of seeing Pony Princess, no worry!” I think the fact that I was making coherent sentences probably made her feel better. Well, coherent as a slav could be anyway. At least she didn’t try to take my vodka, which I stuffed back into my bag. It was empty, yes, but I didn’t want to be ‘that guy’ and leave a bottle just laying around.

“Well, I guess if you say so… anyway, the Princess’ guard should be he-” I assume she was about to say ‘here soon’ because right at that moment where was a thud as something landed outside her front door, followed by a knock. “Ah, that must be them then, well, let’s go! Spike, take care of the Library, alright.” The dragon-y guy gave her a nod, still seeming pretty out of it from blin overload, meanwhile Twilight walked to the front door as I followed.

When she opened the door, we were greeted by this muscular guy, a little shorter than me, in gold plate armour. It looked pretty cool honestly, but there was a lot to be desired in what it actually protected. His fur was white and his ‘mane’ was this dark blue, not quite navy, but eh, it was pushed up into some sorta mohawk thing through this helmet, reminding me of those Roman broom helmets you see in books. I did also note he had what looked to be a short sword at his hip, which made sense, since this guy was apparently part of some ‘Royal Guard’ of the Princess’.

“Good morning to you Princess Sparkle, and to you as well, Guest of the Princess. My comrade and I have been sent by Her Highness, Princess Celestia, to transport the two of you to see her.” He spoke in a deep voice, reminded my of my old sergeant in Serbia! Looking past him, I saw another guard pony, this one with black fur, who was… hitched up to some weird chariot? It was then I noticed both that guy, and the guy in front of Twilight and I had wings.

“Don’t tell me… we are to be flying there?” I asked hesitantly.Don’t get me wrong, I’m fine with heights, I just don’t like open-topped aircraft.

“That would be the idea sir, if you two would like to take seats in the back of the chariot, we’ll have you to the Princess within the hour.” Well, I couldn’t really argue with that, now could I. And considering I was told that the palace was up the side of a mountain, I didn’t really want to try walking there either.

With a small sigh, I walked with Twilight to the back of the ‘chariot’ and found that its sides were covered by padded benches, real nice stuff. Makes sense, apparently this was a royal vehicle, so I guess it did have to be made to standard. Twilight stepped in and sat down while the other guard got himself fixed to the chariot, personally I walked to the front and stood, holding onto the rim of the chariot like a true rider.

A few moments later and we were off. Much faster than I would’ve thought possible, the chariot lifted off the air from the combined efforts of the two guards ponies flapping their wings. I’m going to be honest, I might not have liked it, but feeling the wind go past me was pretty awesome.

“Ah, Sir, you might want to take a seat, the winds up near the palace get a little rough,” the other guard, the dark furred one, called back to me. I considered his words for a moment, before calling out to him.

“Soldier, what is your name?” Maybe soldier wasn’t the right thing to use? Ah well, he turned around any way.

“Uh, it’s Dr-” I immediately cut him off with a speech of pure Slav.

“You see Dmitri! When am true Slav like me, you are never be of falling off chariot! For when wind is see power of cheeki breeki, it is decide Slav far too badass to be pushed!” Right as I said that, a large gust of wind hit the chariot, shaking the guards and Twilight in her seat. Surprisingly, well not really, I was completely unaffected by the wind as I stood at the front.

All the guards could do was stare back at me for a few minutes, before resuming their jobs. Behind my mask, I gave a small smile of victory as I waited for us to arrive at the palace. Slav is never defeated.

Chapter 3: Godly Cheeki Breeki

It took about 20 minutes after my great slav speech for us to actually land, but I had gotten a good view of the palace long before then. These crazy fucking horse-people built a castle on the side of a mountain! Even I’m not drunk enough to try that!

Anyway, it was pretty standard fantasy fare if I do say. Marble walls, towering spires, lots of physics-defying architecture, lots of banners with the sun on it and stuff. Honestly, it looked pretty picturesque, and I may or may not have taken a few pictures with my phone to use as postcards. I mean, think of that, ‘Greetings from the magical land of Equestria! From Ivan.’ It’d be hilarious!.

Anyway, like I said, we did land eventually. I assumed it wasn’t the normal landing area, because there wasn’t all that much room. We ended up on a fairly large balcony overlooking a courtyard, with a pair of glass doors that looked to lead into some kind of study.

“Alright, Princess Twilight, mister.. Uh… slav? If you two could wait here we’ll go notify the Princesses of our arrival.” The guard I had spoken to, Dmitri, stammered as he unhooked himself and his comrade, before quickly moving into the room and out of our sight, hopefully they wouldn’t take long.

“So, this is royal palace, da? Is seem nice, but maybe too many sun banners. You were of saying there is Princess of Night too, yes? Seems little unfair to her.” I decided to pass some time talking to Twilight, mostly because the alternative was sitting in silence for however long it took.

“Well, yes, Princess Luna does rule over the night, and she is completely recognized. It’s just that most of the renovations following her return focused on the interior, and we’ve just not gotten around to adding her banners and flags to the outside. Redecorating an entire castle takes a long time.” Eh, fair enough. I guess if she had only come back, what did Twilight say, a year ago or something? Anyway, I guess I’d see for myself if there was more representation once we got inside.

Right as I was about to continue the conversation, I saw our lovely friend Dmitri walking into the room, followed by his comrade, who was himself tailed by two rather amazon-like ponies. Presumably, those were the Princesses Celestia and Luna.

The Princesses were large, both in height and general weight. Not to say they looked unhealthy, quite the opposite, if they weren’t fucking horse-people, I would call them both rather attractive. I suppose it is to be expected of literal goddesses to be a step above the mortals of their realm.

Celestia was apparently the older of the two, physically, and this was proven by the fact she was about a head and a half taller than me. That half was from her horn, by the way. Her fur was alabaster white, and her eyes were a bright magenta. Her hair was pretty fucking weird, actually. It seemed sorta like a pastel-rainbow, and constantly flowed behind her in some non-existent wind. As far as what she was wearing, it was mostly royal-looking white robes. Lots of sun motifs, lots of gold, that sort of thing. Her ‘crown’ was more of a tiara, which had a diamond in the center that was, oddly enough, the same colour as her eyes. I must admit, I can see why ponies loved her so much. She just seemed to radiate this feeling of motherly love.

Luna was pretty much the opposite of her ‘older’ sister. She was pretty sure by goddess standards, only about half a head taller than me, which was mostly horn. Her fur was a dark blue in colour, and her eyes were a lighter blue. Her hair did the same thing as her sister’s, but was instead coloured like the night’s sky. There were even sparkling stars in the thing, so that was cool. Her clothes were more or less the same as her sister’s, royal robes and the like, except in dark shades of blue along with some black. Lots of moons and silver stuff for her, as opposed to the gold of Celestia, makes sense. Her tiara thing was pretty underwhelming, honestly, it was just this small little thing made out of black metal or… something. What did strike me as ‘special’ was this weird, sorta bib-like thing she wore around her neck. Looked like it was made out of the same stuff as her tiara, but there was this shining silver moon on the front. As opposed to her sister, Luna seemed to radiate this stoic sort of nature, which I guess fits for a watcher of the night.

As they stepped through the door of the study and out onto the balcony Twilight’s eyes lit up, and she dashed over to Celestia to give her a hug. Well, she did say that she used to be Celestia’s personal student, so I guess it makes sense. Meanwhile, Luna looked at me with a stoic face, perhaps examining me? Not that she’d get much, due to the gas mask and ushanka covering my head.

Eventually, Twilight and Celestia broke off from their hug, and the large Princess of the Sun turned to speak to me. “So, you are the creature my dear friend has written to me of, I must admit, you almost fooled me for a pony. Anyway, let us not hold our meeting out here, please, come inside.” With that, she turned around, tailed by her sister and Twilight, and eventually myself, as we entered into the study.

I must admit, it was a cozy place. Lots of dark wood furniture, comforting wallpaper, large rugs in deep colors. Reminds me of the office my superior officer used to have in Serbia! But anyway, Celestia and Luna took their seats upon a small couch, and Twilight and I took ours on an identical couch opposite them. Meanwhile, I saw Dmitri and… eh, we’ll call him Vladimir, hook up to the chariot and fly off.

“Well, let us start with proper introductions,” Celestia spoke, standing from the couch,” I am Princess Celestia, Goddess of the Day, and this is my sister Princess Luna, Goddess of the Night,” she motioned to the still silently stoic sister sitting besides her, “and we both would like to welcome you to our country of Equestria.” Her piece said, Celestia returned to her seat. Twilight gave me a look, and so I decided to return in kind.

Rising from my seat, I did my best to give a bow even in all the gear I was wearing. “I give very many thanks for such nice welcome, and so introduce myself in kind. My name is Ivan, Superior Slav Extraordinaire, but you may simply call me Ivan. As is obvious, I am not of coming from here.” Well, I gave it my best shot, hopefully it was good enough of an introduction for royalty.

“Well, it is wonderful to make your acquaintance Mister Ivan, now let us get on to the real reason we’ve called you here. Twilight has informed us that you are from another world, and from what I see so far, I do indeed believe her. Which of course means, we must find some way to get you back home.” She took the words right out of my mouth! Even if this place was pretty cool, I couldn’t just leave my family and my tovarisches wondering and worrying where I was.

“Da, exactly what I am of thinking. Of course, I am new to whole magic thing, what is plan for me to be of going home?” Always good to get the important questions out of the way first.

“Yes, about that. Due to the rather odd circumstances regarding your arrival here, Twilight, my sister, and myself will be conducting many magical tests to find where you arrived in this world. From there we can see what kind of magic sent you here, and find a way to send you back. Sadly, as this is all new to us, we don’t really have any idea of a timeline for sending you back.” Well, that was all I could ask really. The fact they already had a plan to at least figure out how I got here was better than I expected, and like I said, this place wasn’t so bad I couldn’t deal with living her for a while.

“Hm, da, I understand. Honestly, is better than I had hoped. Have no worries, country is pleasant, I have no problems with living here until you are finding of way to send me back.” I replied, trying to add a touch of thankfulness to my voice. After all, royalty taking personal interest in matters such as mine were surely rare.

It was then, after the plans were laid, that Twilight spoke up. “So, since we all know what to expect for the foreseeable future, why don’t we take some time to get to know each other? I’m sure you must have some questions about all of us, Ivan, and to be honest I have my own about you. I’m sure the Princess are curious as well.” So what… she wanted to play 20 questions? Well, I suppose I wasn’t doing anything else today, and since I was living with her I might as well go along.

“Eh, why not. Finding out about people is always good way to spend time in Ivan’s book.” I told her, adjusting my position in my seat, considering this might take a while.

*****

Three hours later, everyone decided it was time to get back to life. The Princess had royal duties to attend to, Twilight had just remembered who she had left in charge of her library, and I had a mandate to get to know some more people in Twilight’s town, for the sake of making my staying here less boring.

The game was pretty interesting though, although it didn’t really delve too deep. I learned that Celestia is a fan of classical music, as is to be expected, Luna is a fan of hard rock, surprisingly enough, and Twilight partakes in pop every now and then. Personally I prefer myself some good metal.

Celestia’s favourite colour is, surprisingly, green. Meanwhile Luna quite likes blue, which I suppose is good since she is blue, meanwhile Twilight thinks purple is quite a classy colour. Personally I’m with Luna, blue is a great colour. Doesn’t have anything to do with the fact my eyes are blue, I swear.

Apparently the whole hair thing Celestia and Luna have going on is a manifestation of their godly power from being alicorns. Twilight hadn’t been an alicorn long enough for her power to bleed out like that, which explained her normal hair, so I guess that was interesting.

I wasn’t really shocked to find out Equestria is mostly a vegetarian/vegan culture. I was surprised to find that this was mostly due to animals like cows happening to be able to talk. Honestly, I wouldn’t eat meat either if it could speak to me. Thankfully, there were still plenty of things that didn’t talk for a meat lover like myself.

The only other thing of note happened as I we were all about to part ways, what with it being the only question Luna herself had asked.

“Mister Ivan, I find myself curious, why do you insist on wearing that odd mask? Forgive me, but I find it hard to trust a stallion who hides his face.” Don’t you just love that ‘ol Luna bluntness? I guess 1,000 years on the moon didn’t help her social skills… or maybe they were always like that.

“Oh, the mask? Eh, is just habit you understand. Is like when always wearing same clothing, you just fall into putting it on, even when you are not of needing it. For sake of friendship, I guess I will take it off.” With that I went through the fairly simple process of taking off my ushanka and undoing the buckles on the mask.

When I pulled it off my face I did, of course, have to shake my hair out a little. I didn’t keep it very long, but it still got all weird under a hat. I guess my rugged good looks must have intrigued the ponies, because they looked at me for a good few seconds.

Personally I don’t think my looks are all that special. Pale skin, sharp features, manly jaw with a growing beard, and piercing grey-blue eyes. At least, that’s how I considered myself to look. My black hair I usually kept in a ponytail, which seems oddly humorous now, but on this occasion it was simply slicked back and straight.

Anyway, that was the point where I guess the ponies really realized I wasn’t a pony at all, because they started asking a lot more questions which kept us there for another hour. Mostly about my species, our evolution, why I didn’t have any fur. That sort of fun stuff. Apparently, were I a stallion, I would be quite a handsome one.

Needless to say, I quickly returned my mask and ushanka to where they belonged once we left.

*****

Well, the visit was interesting, informative, and I suppose rather fun. The ride back was also entertaining, since we had new flyers. These ones I named Sergei and Sidorovich. Sidorovich didn’t believe in the power of cheeki breeki, and so was suitably stunned when I managed the entire flight standing on the railing of the chariot.

Other than that, the day passed quickly. Twilight treated me to lunch, which I would have to find a way to pay her back for, and I got a quick tour of the town. It was a rather quaint and lovely place, all things considered. Lots of farming, small personal tables and shops, everything you'd expect of a medieval village.

When the day and ended and I went once more into the land of sleep, I found just how far Luna’s rule of the night went.

Does a slav dream of drunken sheep?

Author's Note

For those of you who might think these chapters are coming out a bit slowly, I would like to apologize. It takes lots of time to actual know what the hell to write, then I review and edit it myself, send it to a friend of mine for slav-checking, and then send it to another friend to make sure grammar is all generally legible. Be assured, all the time it takes is just to provide all of you with some quality slav-based reading material. Stay cheeki breeki friends!

Chapter 4: Cheeki Breeki Tour

There’s nothing quite like waking up to the sounds of birds chirping, and beams of sunlight shining into your room. What I mean by this is, there’s nothing quite as annoying. Now, don’t get me wrong, birds were cool and all, and I loved the sun because I had spent plenty of cold, dark winters in the Zone, but waking up to that shit? That is annoying.

Anyway, I did the same thing I did yesterday, took a shower and brushed my teeth. Still didn’t have any new clothes, or anything to wear while the ones I had were being cleaned, but the good news was they still didn’t smell. I guess that probably had to do with the lack of walking through the Zone for hours.

Today, I managed to wake up a bit earlier that Twilight and Spike, and so as a grateful houseguest, I decided to make them breakfast. They had all the right ingredients, and I’m lazy, so I decided to cook up some blin. Don’t worry, my recipe for blin is world famous. Hopefully now that would be two worlds.

It seems the smell of freshly made breakfast had woken up Twilight and her assistant, as not moments after I had placed the last perfectly cooked blin onto a plate, the two of them entered the kitchen.

“Ah, is good morning to you Comrades! I am of hoping you are not mind, but today I decided I should make breakfast for all. Is Ivan’s World Famous Blin, as thanks for giving me place to be staying.” I was smiling under my mask, not that they could tell, but it did seem they perked up when they heard I made food. Quickly I moved the serving plate to the table, with three more plates and utensils following after. I had also set out whatever jams Twilight had, in case she or Spike wanted some for their blin. Personally I had all I needed, wonderful majonez.

“Oh, uh, well that’s quite kind of you Ivan. They do smell pretty great, guess we should all dig in, huh?” Twilight replied, taking a seat at the table as she glared at Spike, who already looked as if he wanted to eat the entire stack of blin.

“Da, is plenty for everyone, have as much as you are wanting!” That last part was directed at Spike, who quickly moved a fair portion to his plate. I could not fault him, he looked like a growing boy, and we all know how much food they need.

*****

Needless to say, everyone enjoyed their meal. I must say, it did amaze me what I was able to do with these Equestrian ingredients, they were clearly a cut above what I normally had to cook with. Combine that with my natural skill in making amazing foods, well, I could probably have a job in any pancake house this side of the palace.

Eventually Twilight brought up the question of what I planned to do today. Upon telling her I didn’t really have any plans, probably just going to do some reading from her extensive collection, she offered an idea. She too had the day free, what with it being Sunday and all and the library being closed, and so she suggested a tour of the town.

It couldn’t hurt to familiarize myself with my new home, she argued, and I found myself with no option but to agree. The girl was a natural debater, I swear, she even managed to get past the tried and true slav time passer of ‘get drunk and pass out’ which was just amazing. In the end, we both walked out the library door and into a normal, sunny day in Ponyville.

*****

Our first stop was the farthest out of town, the apple orchard owned and run by her friend Applejack. It wasn’t too far a walk, and the day was nice, so I couldn’t complain. Well, I could complain, but I didn’t, because even the weight of my Kalashnikov didn’t make the walk feel tiring.

As we crested the hill leading to the orchard I got a view of the main entrance. It was a nicely made gate sorta thing, proudly proclaiming the place to be Sweet Apple Acres, owned by the Apple family since the founding of Ponyville. Obviously, the place was both a source of export and a local historical landmark.

Heading past the gate I saw the house which Applejack, her brother, her little sister, and her grandmother lived in. It was a nice rustic thing, not too big but not too small, and it looked weathered as all hell. Truly, if you’d taken it and thrown it somewhere in the American countryside it would’ve looked just at home.

Speaking of Applejack’s grandmother, she was the first person we saw on our walk up, sitting and rocking in a rickety old chair on the front porch. Twilight had told me her name was Granny Smith, and looking at her I could see the resemblance to the apple. Her fur was a pale shade of green, her hair was white and done up in a bun, and her smiling eyes were a warm orange color which seemed to radiate worldly knowledge. Her clothes were pretty plain, and looked right at home on the old lady. Mostly brown and grey tones, it seemed Granny Smith was a right down to earth woman, without much care for all the fancy jewelry many other old grandmothers chose to wear.

She said the first words of greeting as we walked up. “Why, do my eyes deceive me or is that little Twilight Sparkle come here to visit! Now, you come over here and sit down, and introduce me to this new friend of yours!” She spoke exactly as you would think a loving grandmother would, just the right amount of teasing, sternness, and love for everyone younger than her. Reminded me of my own grandmother, honestly, except Grandmother Ivan always kept a loaded shotgun next to her chair.

Twilight did as Granny Smith said, dragging me over to one of the other chairs on the porch. She took the time to introduce myself, leaving out all the complicated things such as my being from another universe and all.

“Hello there Mrs. Smith, my name is Ivan. Is pleasure to be of meeting you.” I introduced myself with my most polite manners, it would certainly not do to be rude to one of my elders.

“Now, that’s awfully polite there Mr. Ivan, it’s right nice to meet you too. Well, all this aside, I’m sure ya’ll didn’t come out all this way just to sit her and talk with an old fuddy-duddy like me, I’ll bet you’re here for Applejack, ain’t ya?” Right to the point this Granny Smith, I could respect that. At the very least she didn’t start off on stories of her childhood before even asking if that’s what we were there for.

“Yes, actually. Ivan here hasn’t been in town very long, and so I wanted to introduce him to all my friends, and give him a tour of the town.” Twilight, too, was very polite. That made sense, this was the grandmother of one of her best friends after all.

Granny Smith was very understanding. She even did us the favour of, somehow, shouting loud enough for Applejack to hear her all the way across the Orchard. An impressive set of lungs on that old lady, honestly.

*****

“An’ here’s the main attraction, Sweet Apple Acres herself!” Applejack announced to myself and Twilight, spreading her arms to the view behind her, that being, the giant apple orchard her family ran.

Applejack had shown up promptly at Granny Smith’s yelling, and after a bit of explanation for why we were there, she offered to give the two of us a tour. Of course, Twilight had been there many times before and, being the librarian that she is, had also read enough about the history to help along with the tour.

All in all I learned that the Apples are one of the oldest families in all of Ponyville, having a history dating back to the founding of the town. Through those years they had provided food and export bringing income to both themselves and the town, and as such were very reputable people. It also appears they’ve always been honest people, exemplified by Applejack being the Element of Honesty. Whatever that means, nobody told me.

“Is impressive view, da. Reminds me of place parents used to take me as child, but was many years ago. Memory is blurry, you see.” I replied. Honestly, Sweet Apple Acres was a massive, beautiful place. Green fields filled with large trees, each one bearing bright red fruits, and of course there was the sun shining overhead, which made the place look like something out of a children’s book.

“Well, glad ya think so. Not to be rude, but keepin’ a place like this runnin’ is a lot of hard work, and I haven’t made my quota today. Feel free to take some of the apples with ya, or talk to Granny Smith some more, but I really have to get back work.” Applejack said, looking out over all the trees full of apples with a worried look. I guess she really did have a lot of work to do, so neither Twilight nor I really held it against her when she ran off to go kicking trees again.

We did take her up on the offer, and I learned a bit more about the Apple family, and Ponyville as a whole from Granny Smith. Before too long, however, we were leaving the orchard, waving goodbye and carrying a small bag filled with a few fresh apples. They were damned good apples too.

*****

Those apples were surprisingly filling, and were also the reason Twilight’s next suggestion of heading to a pastry shop where her friend worked was vetoed, instead we were heading off to a boutique. Turns out the white unicorn I’d first met, who was named Rarity, also owned and operated a boutique where she crafted, and I quote ‘the most fabulous ensembles this side of Canterlot’ which was also said without a hint of braggery.

Walking in the door, I had to agree. I wasn’t anyone for fashion, obviously given what I was wearing, but I’ll be damned if there weren’t some impressive dresses in there. Anyway, we opened the door, a little bell chimed, and Rarity greeted us quite promptly.

“Oh, hello there Twilight Dear, so nice of you to visit! And you as well Mister… uhm” Right, I never told her my name, awkward.

“Ah, is just Ivan. Please, mister was father. Good to be making proper acquaintance with you.” I supplied, Rarity smiling with the apparent fact that I could have nice manners.

“Yes, of course, wonderful to see you as well Ivan. Those clothes on the other hand, well, let’s just say they’re not to my personal taste.” I thought this might happen. I wouldn’t know personally, seeing as I’ve never been in the fashion business, but friends of mine always told me how much designers hated military clothing. Or maybe it was just Rarity, who knows.

“Eh, purpose is more for being clothing than of being nice clothing. Plus, harder to spot in dark forest when are wearing dark clothes, da?” I replied, offering a shrug, to the great amusement of Twilight.

“That’s actually one of the reasons Ivan wanted to visit, Rarity. You see, because of how he got here, he doesn’t exactly have any other changes of clothes, and he’s starting to smell a bit.” Twilight explained to the seamstress. Honestly, I don’t think she needed to say I smelled. I am still quite pleasant smelling! Probably.

“Your words, Twilight Sparkle, they sting! But purple pony is right, I am of being in need of new clothes. Of course, I would be doing something to pay debt to you.” I expanded on Twilight’s explanation. Twilight assured me Rarity would probably offer the clothes for free, but I couldn’t ask her to do that in good conscience.

“Well that is sweet darling, but honestly I doubt the cost would be very much anyway. I doubt you want something as fancy as a high end formal suit, now would you? Most of the cost of the clothes I make comes from how complicated the design is, and the use of expensive fabrics, normal clothing is rather cheap to make.” Rarity replied. Well, she was right about one thing, I didn’t need a suit.

Honestly, I had known I would have to get newly tailored clothes in the first place, just not for the reasons I actually needed them. See, I knew that I would need clothes custom made, because what I was wearing wasn’t exactly something you could just pick up from a mall. However, as it turned out, I needed tailored clothes for another very separate reason, nothing else would fit. For a quick fix, Twilight and I went looking around at some stores in Canterlot for clothes, and it turns out, my measurements are just a bit too big. Apparently, as far as sizing goes, I’m closer to an Alicorn than I am a Pony, of course, there are only two Alicorns in the world, and they’re both female, so, custom tailored stuff it was.

“Haha, you are not wrong tovarisch! A suit is not really thing I am of needing. In honesty, all I am really wanting for is maybe extra two changes of clothes like what I wear now. Is good, reliable clothes, never fail me before, da.” If she was going to insist, I might as well take what I could get, right? I guess she wasn’t the Element of Generosity for nothing.

“Oh, please, think nothing of it dear. Now, just let me get your measurements, and I’ll get these started when I can!” With that, she lifted a tailor’s tape in her magic, and proceeded to invade my personal space many times in the next minutes.

*****

Once my measurements had been taken, Rarity had all but shoved us out of her boutique, saying something about ‘exciting new designs to work with’ the entire time. Twilight said she usually did that when she got some new, interesting order, and that it was par for the course.

Twilight said that, since we were close, we should visit her friend Fluttershy next. I, however, was pretty hungry after all the time spent getting literally every bit of me measured, and so vetoed her suggestion in favor of visit this Sugarcube Corner place I’d heard so much about. Apparently Pinkie Pie worked there, as well, so two birds with one stone and all that. Hopefully my Cheeki Breeki can protect me against her...

Author's Note

Yes, I realize, it's taken forever. And yes, I realize, the length doesn't at all make up for the time it took to write, but eh. I wanted to just have one huge chapter of visiting all of Twilight's friends, but I couldn't do it, so hopefully one or two more chapters and we can get that out of the way.

As always, stay Cheeki Breeki my friends.