Chapters “One hundred years!” cried the mayor. “One hundred years! On this day, a hundred years ago, Celestia gave Her life to save us all!” She continued on, preaching about Celestia’s great sacrifice. I’d heard it all before, of course. Everyone in the village had, at one point or another. However, we had no choice but to stand around and listen, as mayor Scroll went on and on about Her greatness. It was a special occasion, after all.
“For six days, the citizens of Equestria lived without sunshine, without day! But then, on the seventh day, the sun crested the horizons!” she cried, with much more enthusiasm than any of the rest of us. “And then, She descended upon the land, and went to confront the Nightmare!”I’d heard the tale so many times; I wasn’t even paying attention anymore.
“The battle raged on for three days, the princess and the Nightmare matching each other blow-for-blow. Celestia, knowing that she was on her last reserves of strength, and seeing what would become of her beloved subjects if She failed, made the ultimate sacrifice! She cast a powerful spell, destroying both Herself and the Nightmare, and saving all of Equestria!”
This set the young ones cheering, stomping their hooves in excitement. I, however, couldn’t take the boredom any longer. Pushing through the crowd, I eventually escaped the claustrophobic confines of the town hall. Stepping into the wilderness outside, I was immediately confronted by a familiar face.
“Hey, punk! Where the hell do you think you’re going?”
It was Dozer. Of course, out of all the ponies they could have had standing guard, it had to be Dozer! “Just wanted to get a breath of fresh air,” I said. The huge, dark brown mare lumbered over. Towering over me, I could smell the muskrat on her breath. “You know how it can get in there.”
“Oh, I know alright,” Dozer replied. “I also know that I’m not supposed to let anypony out until Scroll’s done with her speech. Especially you, Rat.”
“Come on Dozer, we’ve all heard the story a million times now! Just this once? Please?”
She smirked. “Well… alright.” I started to walk away. “But!” I looked back at her. “Only if you agree to do me a favor.”
Sigh. Of course. “Alright, fine. What do you want?”
“There’s a caravan passing through tomorrow. Belongs to some old geezer up north. I’m supposed to guard it till it gets to him, but I’ve got plans. So, now it’s your problem.”
Caravan duty? Oh well, anything to get out of one of the mayor’s five-hour speeches.
“Alright, I’m game.”
The morning sun’s rays slid mischievously across my closed eyes, waking me from my much-needed rest. Reluctantly, I rose from my makeshift straw pile bed, wiping the last remnants of my slumber from my mind.
“Ugh… damn it Celestia, couldn’t you at least have given us a few more hours of night before you died?”
A few minutes later, I had finished devouring my meal of smoked mist-salamander, and began preparing for the day’s work. After pulling on my leather barding, I carefully attached my hoof-talons. The iron weapons may have been old, but they sure were sharp!
Leaving my hut, I found the caravan leader waiting for me.
“Hey! You the new guard?” She was an earthy green pegasus, with a compass needle for a cutie mark.
“Eeyup,” I replied. “Name’s Rat.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Funny, I was expecting someone taller.”
As usual…
“Anyway,” she said, “My name is True North. You can call me North. I’m Mr. Farhoof’s right hoof mare.”
“Who?”
“Mr. Farhoof?” she replied incredulously. “He’s the one funding the excavation!”
“Excavation?” I replied, now thoroughly confused.
Her look of incredulousness grew to one of annoyance. “Didn’t they tell you anything? We’ve been excavating some ruins near Old Manehattan. The caravan is bringing some of our findings back to his manor. We found some really strange stuff, too! There’s this one gem we found, it- oh, uh, never mind. Just follow me.”
With that, she trotted back over to the rest of the caravan. It was composed of several Vertigator-pulled wagons, the large reptilian beasts easily pulling the large loads along. Oddly, I could only spot five other guards, a surprisingly small number, considering the types of things one could encounter in the forest. However, I didn’t want to antagonize North any more than I already had, so I kept quiet and trotted after her.
***
It was a few hours after we’d departed from my home of Littletree village, and we were taking a short rest in a clearing.
One of the other guards and I were chatting.
“So, you know what exactly we’re guarding?” I asked cautiously. I’d asked several members of the expedition, but nopony would give me a straight answer.
“I dunno,” replied the guard, “But North seems to think it’s valuable. She’s very secretive about it, though. Whenever anypony asks her about it, she either changes the subject or takes them aside to talk to them privately. It’s all very suspicious, but hey, as long as I get paid, I don’t really care.”
“So you’re not even a little curious? Not even a little?”
“A little, yes, but again, as long as I get paid, I’m good!”
Sigh.
“So, where are you from?” he asked.
“Me? I’m from Littletree. Nothing very exciting. You?”
“Mist Clearing. Not much goes on there, either, but I’m not comp-”
A huge roar pierced the clearing, startling us. We leapt to our feet, watching the outskirts of the clearing for any sign of the beast. I could hear it now, the ominous rustling of a beast running through the undergrowth. Then, all went still.
And then everything went to hell.
I could only watch in horror as a pride of manticores leapt through the tree line. Snarling, the beasts pounced at us from all sides. The others drew their swords, falling back to the caravan. Snapping out of my state of shock, I turned to join them.
“Look out!” my friend from earlier cried in warning, but it was too late. Before I could react, I felt a sharp pain in my skull, and everything went black.
“Wake up, you silly-willy-filly!”
Groaning, I rolled over. “Five more minutes…”
“Nopey-dopey, mopey-wopey! You’re injured, and that means we have to get you to a doctor, lickety-split!”
“Ugh… Lemme ‘lone…” I slurred. My head was aching, and the high-pitched shrieking in my ear definitely wasn’t helping.
“Come on! Listen to the nice, century-old voice! ”
Wait, what?
Sitting up, I opened my eyes. Everything was fuzzy. Blinking I found myself staring…
… Right into the eyes of another pony.
“Hello!!!”
“AAAAGH!” I cried in surprise, scurrying back a couple meters. The mare was pink. Very pink. Her bright pink coat was only slightly lighter than her large, frizzy pink mane.
And, of course, she was taller than me.
“Hi! I’m Pinkamena Diane Pie, but you can call me Pinkie Pie, or just Pinkie for short! Gee, I really do have a long name, but I guess that’s why everypony calls me Pinkie!” I could only lay there in confusion as the mare- Pinkie- Rambled on. “Anyway, what’s your name- oh, wait let me guess, I love guessing games! Um, let’s see, is it… Sandy Shores? No, that’s not it, hmm- is it… Rocky Rider? No? Hmm, you’re a toughie… oh, I’ve got it! Shorty Sands, Shorty Sands!!! Am I right?”
Shorty? “No, my name’s Rat, from Littletree village.”
“Well, it’s great to meet you Rat! Ohh, I should throw you a party later!!! With cake, and ice cream, and- oh wait, we need to get you to a doctor, Rattie!”
Huh? “What do you mean? I feel fine!”
“Really? ‘Cause that cut in your head doesn’t look too good!”
“What cut?” reaching around, I felt the back of my head. Feeling a warm wetness, I brought my hoof back in front of my
face. It was dripping blood.
Oh. That cut.
Rising slowly, I eventually found my balance, and, after thanking Pinkie, I started walking toward the path.
“WAIT!” Turning, I saw Pinkie trying to run after me, but it looked like she was running in place.
“I want to come with you!”
Against my better judgment (and my ringing ears), I called back. “Sure, why not?”
“Oh, thankyouthankyouthankyou!!! But I need you to do something first!”
Of course.
“Can you come back here a minute? PLLLLEEEAAASE???” I trotted back over to her.”Okay, you see that wagon over there? I need you to get something from it.”
“Why can’t you?”
“I’ll show you!” With that, she walked over to the wagon, and proceeded to reach out…
…and giggle as her hoof passed through it.
“See? I can’t touch anything!”
“Wha- P-Pinkie, are you a-a g-g-ghost!?”
She turned and blinked in confusion. “I’m not a ghost, I’m a pony. Duh!”
“Al-alright, what was it you wanted me to get?”
“In the wagon, you should see a golden necklace, with a blue, balloon-shaped gem on the front! If you grab it, then I can come with you!”
I had no idea what a “balloon” was, but how many golden necklaces with blue gems could there be?
Turns out, only one. And it was the only thing in the wreck. I put it in my saddlebags, and set off with a new (and very loud) pony in tow.
“Alright, that should do it! Try to be more careful next time, okay?”
“Will do, doc.” I paid him (20 bits for a bandage? Seriously?), and walked over to my saddlebags, where Pinkie was waiting. Cringing, I prepared for the brutal onslaught on my ears.
“RATTIE!!! Oh, I’m sooooo glad you’re all better! Hey, you know what this calls for? A PARTY!!!!”
Owww…
Looking up, I realized she was now wearing a pastel cone on her head, and colored paper strips were raining down from… somewhere… Where was this stuff coming from?
I was snapped out of my confusion by a rumbling noise.
The rumbling could only mean one thing: the great beast, that foul creature was about to rear its ugly head, utterly destroying me as it had so many other ponies since the dawn of time itself.
Hunger.
***
One trip to the local market later, I sat down on a patch of dirt, quickly devouring my newly-bought chicken.
“Oh, ewwww! What are you doing, you can’t eat that!” Pinkie cried, trying in vain to knock it out of my hooves.
“Why not?”
“Because… because… It’s meat!”
“So? I eat meat all the time!”
“But meat comes from other living animals! It’s murder!” the pink mare protested.
“But it tastes good! And besides, it-”
Our argument was interrupted when a small colt walked over. “Excuse me, mister, but… who are you talking to?”
"Isn't it obvious?" i said, gesturing towards Pinkie.
The kid looked at me fearfully. “There… there’s nopony there, mister!”
“What? But she’s right there!”
The kid turned, running back into the market.
Okaaayyy…
“Alright, Pinkie, you’ve got some explaining to do. What are you, why can you pass through solid objects, what’s so important about that necklace, and why in Celestia’s name am I the only pony who can see you?”
“I’m a pony, I don’t know, it’s the element of laughter and I literally can’t go anywhere without it, and… I have no Idea,” she replied, smiling.
“What’s the element of laughter?”
“It’s my element of harmony.”
“What’s an “element of harmony”?”
“The elements of harmony are six magical gemstones that, together, hold the power to defeat great evil! Or, at least, that’s
what Twilight said.”
“Who?”
“Twilight Sparkle is-err, was- the princess’ personal student!”
“Wait, princess? As in princess Celestia?”
“Yeperooni!” she replied, smiling as always.
“Pinkie, just how old are you?”
“Okay, let me get this straight,” I said. “You were there one hundred years ago, when the Nightmare appeared…”
Pinkie nodded.
“And you and five other ponies set out to find the magical elements of harmony…”
“Yep!”
“And along the way you fell off a cliff, fought a ferocious manticore, fixed a sea serpent’s facial hair, and fearlessly
frightened off freaky forest faces with fits of laughter?”
“You sound like Twilight!”
“And then you found the elements, Twilight teleported away, and when you caught up, she was fighting the Nightmare?”
“Why do you keep calling her that? Her name was Nightmare Moon!”
“Okay, she was fighting Nightmare Moon, and then your Element necklaces appeared, and you blasted her with a rainbow, right?”
“Yes, except that she DODGED it! I mean, come on, that has to be cheating, right? I mean, sure, the rainbow followed her, but she just kept flying away from it until it wore off! And by then, we were all too exhausted to do it again! Seriously, what kind of villain DODGES? Well, there was that one time…”
“Pinkie…”
“Oh, but then there was that one time…”
“Pinkie.”
“And then I said oatmeal? Are you CRAZY?”
“PINKIE!”
“Yes, Rattie?
“What happened AFTER she dodged?”
The pink mare put her hoof to her chin in thought.
“Well, after she dodged- which was very rude by the way- she laughed at us all evilly, and there was a flash of light from her horn… and then I woke up, and I found you!”
Well, that was… wait…
“Hold on, if you had only just woken up… then how did you know you were a hundred years old?”
“Oh, that’s easy! I… that’s odd… how DID I know that? It just sort of came to me!”
…Huh.
“Sooo…” Pinkie said. “Can you fill me in on what’s been happening well I was snoozing? I mean, obviously Nightmare
Moon’s gone, since the sun is still up, but who defeated her? It obviously wasn’t us, so who did it?”
“Celestia. About a week after the Nigh- after Nightmare Moon returned, she broke free of her imprisonment in the sun, and
fought her.”
“Oh, so THAT’S where she was!”
“Yeah, so she fought her, but Celestia and Nightmare Moon were nearly evenly matched, so she ended up sacrificing herself to destroy her.”
Pinkie’s expression changed from one of interest to one of horror.
“WHAAAT?!? Nononono, Princess Celestia CAN’T be dead, she’s immortal! And besides, how are the sun and moon moving if she’s dead? It doesn’t make sense!”
“Well, that’s what happened. Nopony’s sure why the sun and moon still move, but it doesn’t really matter.”
“Fine… so what else has been going on?”
I sighed, thankful that we were moving on from Celestia.
“Well, as you can see, most of Equestria is now forest. Apparently, soon after… well, you know… a wild forest called the Everfree started expanding. Some ponies like to call this the Everquestrian forest because of that.”
“Hey, I know the Everfree Forest! I used to live near it! It’s where we fought Nightmare Moon! Wait, if this is part of the Everfree, then does that mean it ‘Isn’t natural’, either?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know, plants grow on their own, animals take care of themselves, and clouds move without pegasi?”
“What part of that isn’t natural?” I replied, confused. “That’s how everything works.”
“So it IS just like the Everfree! Anything else?”
“Umm… there is the bubble over Canterlot…”
“Bubble?”
“Yeah, the bubble. It’s like this huge force field around where Canterlot used to be. Only ponies can pass through though, no other creature can, not even Griffons. And the weirdest part? Nopony knows where it came from, or what’s inside. Sure, tons of ponies have gone in, but none have ever come out. Not. A. single. One.” I said, tapping my hoof for emphasis.
“Really? Ohh, we should go!”
“ARE YOU CRAZY?! DID YOU NOT HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID ABOUT NOPONY EVER COMING OUT?”
“So?”
...I swear, this mare is going to drive me insane…
