Maybe if I save Equestria I can get out of super probation?
The castle shook as Tirek's massive footsteps drew ever closer. Ponies ran around, screaming for whatever mercy would save them from the terrible fate that grew closer with each passing moment. Some found places to hide, though terrible thoughts told them that their efforts might well be in vain.
What a bunch of weirdos. If Tirek came close to me, I'd totally kick his ass. Everypony else is running around, but Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are being protected by me! It's just the three of us in the throne room. They sent everypony out to try to fight Tirek, but they left me to protect them! I suppose even they have come to recognize my magnificence.
"You need me to do anything?" I called out to the two of them. "I have a totally awesome plan to beat Tirek if he comes here!"
"Give us a moment of peace," Princess Luna said. "We are thinking!"
"But I already have a few ideas..."
"Enough, Batsy." Princess Luna turned back to Celestia. "What are we to do? Princess Twilight has not yet arrived. I fear that she might have been delayed by Tirek, maybe caught by him."
Celestia shook her head. "No, I do not think that is the case. As far as I know, Tirek has no knowledge of a fourth princess. He is looking for bigger targets at the moment, and that unfortunately means Canterlot."
"Perhaps Discord has stalled her?"
"Perhaps," Celestia muttered. "Perhaps she will be here soon, but we cannot count on it. I fear that we must come up with a new plan beyond counting on Twilight for help."
"Shouldn't you always do that?" I asked, showcasing my brilliance once more. "I mean, what happens when Twilight doesn't show up?"
"Batsy..." Princess Luna glared at me and gritted her teeth. "I pray you... you..." Princess Luna's glare faded, and she gave me a weird look. Maybe she finally realized my magnificence? Maybe she thought my idea was pretty good. "Batsy."
"Yeah?" I asked.
"We could transfer our magic to Batsy."
Okay, as brilliant as I am, I didn't see that one coming. No siree bob, I did not see that one coming.
"That is madness!" Princess Celestia said.
"Hey, I'd do very well with your magic, thank you very much!"
"It's perfect," Luna said, draping a wing over Princess Celestia's back. "She has no horn. She cannot use our magic, merely take it someplace safe. She could even go to Ponyville to oversee the transfer of our magic to Twilight Sparkle."
"Why would I want to do that?" I asked. "I mean, if I have your magic, then I can just defeat Tirek on my own!" This is going to be so awesome.
"She is the one that Tirek would least suspect," Princess Celestia said with a small nod. "But can we trust her?"
"You can totally count on me!" I said, snapping a perfect salute. "I wouldn't do anything to break your magic or anything. I'd do whatever was good with it."
Before Princess Celestia could respond, the throne room shook again. Tirek was coming closer.
"We haven't any time, sister," Princess Luna said. "Tirek will be here soon, and if he finds us..."
Princess Celestia closed her eyes and sighed. She rubbed her temple before looking back at me. I smiled at her. Yeah, this really was the best option. I mean, come on! I didn't think I could get any more magnificent than I already am, but with Princess Celestia and Princess Luna's magic, I could be the most magnificent bat pony who ever lived! I mean, I already am, but I'd raise the bar even higher. I could be the greatest pony who ever lived!
"So be it." Princess Celestia took a step towards me. "Batsy Fluffentuft..."
"The Magnificent," I replied. "I put in an official name change request three months ago. It should come in any day now."
Princess Celestia faltered for a second, no doubt impressed with my ingenuity. "Batsy Fluffentuft, seeing as how you are the only royal guard in the room, and we haven't much time, my sister and I are going to transport our magic into you. Once you have our magic, fly directly to Ponyville and seek out Princess Twilight. Tell her what has transpired, and she shall take possession of our magic from there."
"You don't have to worry about a thing, Princess Celestia!" I said, trying my very best to contain my glee.
"Should you succeed in your quest, you shall have all of the bat treats you desire," Princess Luna responded. "But you must succeed in what we have asked of you."
Whoa, whoa, whoa, all the bat treats I wanted? I didn't think this day could get any better! I mean, it would be the very best day if a monster wasn't attacking Canterlot, but even with that, I figured that today would be pretty close to as good as a day could get if I could have all of the bat treats. Then I could be number one on our score sheet instead of number four (I was three but Moon Glitter took my spot after a particularly rough day) and everypony would have to look up to me. Or at least, they'd have to be open about it. I know they already look up to me, because how could they not?
I entertained myself with visions of bat treats that were even better than the very best ones as Princess Celestia and Princess Luna fired up their horns. They shot beams of pure magic at me. It kind of tickled, to be honest. I didn't laugh, though, because it didn't tickle that much. It was kind of weird, though, because once the princesses were done putting their magic in me, their cutie marks went away. Did they know that was supposed to happen?
"Go, Batsy," Princess Celestia said, her voice a lot weaker than normal. "Go to Ponyville and seek out my..." Her eyes widened when she looked at me. "Oh no," she whispered.
"Oh no what?" I asked.
"We made a mistake," Luna groaned. "Batsy, whatever your desires, do what we ask."
Okay, they were acting kind of odd. I scratched my forehead in confusion (an odd feeling that I don't have that often) and bumped my hoof against my horn. "You said that I'd get bat treats if you did what I asked, so I won't let..."
Wait, my horn?
I went cross-eyed trying to look at my forehead. I gasped when I saw a big horn coming out of my forehead. I didn't have that when I woke up this morning! I totally would have noticed if I did, because my observational skills are second to none! I let out a squeal of delight and flew into the air. This was so awesome!
"Batsy, to Ponyville, or I shall rescind the bat treat promise!" Princess Luna said.
Oh, wait, yeah, they did kind of want me to get going, I'll bet. I thought I could see Tirek outside coming closer. Probably best if I'm not here when he is.
"You can count on me!" I said, puffing my chest out. I flew through an open window and was going to fly to Ponyville (if I could remember where that was) before a thought struck me. I flew back to the window and poked my head through it. "So since I've got wings and a horn now, does that mean I'm a princess, too?"
"Go!" Princess Celestia and Princess Luna shouted at the same time. Ah, right, they were probably still thinking about that very point.
Okay, Ponyville. Ponyville. Where was Ponyville? The north, right? I mean, not that I was bad with directions or anything (why would you think that?) but I don't think I'd ever been to Ponyville.
I was taken out of my thoughts when I heard the throne room door burst open. I was close enough to the window still so that my super bat pony hearing could pick up something talking to the other princesses (two of five of them) and I figured he was Tirek. Wait, when he figured out that the princesses didn't have their magic anymore, he'd come looking for me, right? Maybe we'd even have to fight if he found me! I rubbed my jaw and flew to the top of Canterlot Castle as I pondered this. I know they said they wanted me to go to Ponyville (once I figured out where that was) but I needed a backup plan in case Tirek found me first. Just in case. I was magnificent enough to hide from him, I'll bet, but I didn't get so magnificent without thinking up smart things to do.
I gasped in delight when the best thought ever hit me. And I thought that I wouldn't be able to impress myself with my genius any more than I already had. It was daytime, but if I had to fight Tirek, I needed to fight him when I was at my very best. Nighttime! And now that I had a ton of awesome magic, I could do that! I giggled and rubbed my hooves together. This day just kept getting better.
I lit my horn and saw that it was bathed in a dark purple glow. So awesome. I reached out with my super cool awesome magic and started pushing the sun down and pulling the moon up. Then it would be nighttime and I could fight Tirek better. Unless he could see in the dark really well, too. Eh, probably not.
But I did spot a tiny problem. So I had enough magic to raise the sun and lower the moon, but, ah, I didn't really know where to put them. That and I didn't really have the best control over the two of them. They began moving around the sky like billiard balls, and they almost ran into each other at one point. That would have been bad. I'll bet that Princess Celestia would have been really mad at me if I'd accidentally destroyed the sun by hitting it with the moon. After about a minute or so, the land got really dark. Not really because I'd succeeded in putting the sun down, but rather because I'd blocked the sun with the moon. Eh, good enough.
Now, to find Ponyville. Princess Luna probably wouldn't want me messing around with my magic too much. Or her magic. However she wants to look at it. Or maybe she'd be fine with it. I mean, her magic did give me a horn, so that's pretty cool. Maybe I'd get to keep it once this was all over!
I had to focus (something I'm very good at when the mood strikes) and find Ponyville. That's the one with the big statue of the green mare holding the torch, right? Wait a second! When I looked down I could see day ponies. Surely one or two of them knows where Ponyville is. I spread my wings and fly down to where they are. They're all on the ground, and none of them had their cutie marks anymore. Their eyes looked kind of weird, too.
"Hey, uh, can you tell me where Ponyville is?" I asked a green mare. "I need to get there fast."
"No use," the green mare croaked. "It's already too late. The sun has been blocked out. Soon it'll be night forever."
"What?" I frowned and tilted my head. "No, no, that wasn't Tirek who did that. That was me. I just wanted to see a little better in case Tirek found me." I grinned and pointed at my forehead. "I'm a princess now!"
The green mare gave me a look of utter fear (or awe) before screaming her head off. "Nightmare Moon is back!" she wailed. "She's back as a vampony!"
I rolled my eyes. "I'm not Nightmare Moon and I'm not a vampony. I'm just trying to find Ponyville."
"She's here to eat us all!" the mare moaned, causing a few other ponies around us to begin dragging themselves away. "She's here to finish what Tirek started!"
"I actually already at lunch, so I'm not really interested in eating you," I replied reasonably as the ground began shaking for some reason. "Plus I don't really eat ponies."
"Well well, what have we here?" a booming voice said from behind me. "It appears I missed one."
I turned around and didn't get scared at all when I saw this big red centaur thing. My amazing deductive powers identified him as Tirek immediately. Riiiight. There was a reason I needed to get to Ponyville fast. I grinned at him.
"I was just about to say the same thing!" Not one of my better one-liners, but they can't all be as good as telling one of Princess Celestia's cryomancers "ice to see you."
"You are a unique one," Tirek said, peering down at me. "I was not aware that Equestria had gained another princess in my absence."
"Oh yeah, totally," I preened. "It's kind of a recent thing, but yeah, newest princess. That's me."
"Then you shall surely be a feast for me." Tirek's grin turned predatory, and he reached down with one of his massive hands. In response, I shot a perfectly aimed beam of magic at his hand that hit him right in the eye. Just as I intended. He howled in pain and brought his hand up to his eye. Take that!
Maybe this guy wasn't so tough after all.
I fired another beam of magic at his eye that missed him completely. A warning shot, of course. He'd know not to mess with me after that. I guess the fact that he was swinging his fist at me so that I had to dodge him was just him thrashing around in pain. I dodged him perfectly, of course, and fired another beam of magic at his head that turned into another warning shot.
"You insolent whelp!" Tirek growled. "I will destroy you!"
"Destroy this," I retorted as I fired off another warning shot that clipped the side of his head. He swung his hand at me again, hitting my leg with his swing. The experience told me that a normal pony would have thought that it hurt, like, a ton. But I wasn't a normal pony! I was a magnificent one who was a new princess! Maybe I'd be a bit sore from the hit in the morning, but I pegged the odds of that at fifty/fifty.
But my genius mind told me that getting into a straight fight with Tirek might not be the best idea, especially if I only fired off warning shots (all of which were completely intentional, of course). I took to the air and flew away from Tirek. Sometimes strategic withdrawls are necessary, even for one as amazing as myself. I flew fast through the streets of Canterlot, looking behind me to see if Tirek decided to follow me. He did, of course.
In my rush to find a more tactically appropriate spot, I ran straight into a building. Crashed right into the side of it. Well, now I knew that crashing into buildings hurts a little bit, even if you're an alicorn. I groaned a little as I slid down the side of the building. It was a learning experience, but a very valuable one that I would certainly apply with great zeal in the future. I needed a second to re-boot after that crash, which was all the time Tirek needed to get close enough to me.
"You are not the smartest of princesses, are you?" he sneered, reaching out to grab me. "You didn't even make it fifteen feet."
Huh, I thought I made it much farther than that. Maybe he's so big that he's become bad at measuring things? Either way, I couldn't actually let him grab me. I flew underneath him and fired off a shot just as I reached the area between his hind legs. I was getting markedly better at that. No more warning shots for me!
Pissed Tirek off a ton, though.
His howl shook the mountain Canterlot was on, and he punched the building I'd crashed into, turning it to rubble with one blow. He wheeled around to fight me, a bright ball of red magic appearing between his horns. He shot it at me, and I thought about putting up a shield spell to block it, but figured that dodging it would work just as well. It's not that I didn't know how to put up a shield spell, or, at least, that I'd figure it out very quickly, but dodging was a better option. He only succeeded in hitting half of me. See? A perfectly fine option. The resulting collision with another nearby building left a Batsy-shaped indent where I'd impacted. The owners would no doubt be honored when they saw that.
I recovered enough to shoot another magic beam at him, but he met it with one of his own. My own beam of magic got shot right back at me! I poured more magic into my horn, and we started pushing our magic at each other. My magic got close to him because I'm amazing like that, then his magic got closer to me because I wanted to make it sporting. We went back-and-forth like that for a little bit. It was kind of fun, actually.
"ENOUGH!" Tirek finally shouted, hitting me with enough magic that I flew back and hit the same building, leaving behind a second Batsy-shaped indent just underneath the first one. "I've had enough of this!" He reached out and plucked me out of the building, holding me tight enough that I couldn't just fly away. It seemed I had him right where I wanted him. "Once I take your magic, I shall crush you like the insect you are," Tirek growled.
I shot a beam of magic into his other eye for that one.
"Ah, dammit!" he roared, rubbing his other eye. "I'm going to gouge your eyes out!"
He opened up his mouth and I felt my new magic being drained away from me. I began struggling harder to get out of his grip, but already I could feel my new magic leaving me. I'd only had it for a few minutes! But I have to admit, getting all of my magic drained kind of... hurt a little bit. I didn't like how I kept trying to struggle but he still drained my magic. I should have learned how to teleport before the princesses gave me their magic. I let out a most magnificent squeak of, well, not fear, but... yeah, not fear. Definitely not that.
Tirek taking my magic (or mostly the princesses' magic) caused him to grow another four stories, but the good thing was that since he'd grown larger, the cracks between his fingers had, too. I managed to stealthily slip between them. One thing I didn't account for was the fact that Tirek had drained all of my magic, not just the magic that Princess Celestia and Princess Luna had given me. As such, my attempts at flying were... well, they weren't quite as successful as times past. I fell to the ground like a rock, only not dying because I brilliantly used my wings to glide to the ground instead of splattering into a magnificent stain. When I reached the ground, I curled up into a little ball and retched a little bit. Really not fun having your magic taken away. I even noticed that my cutie mark was gone. I'd still beat Tirek eventually, of course, but I needed another plan. I was good at those.
"Where are you, little princess?" Tirek's voice boomed from above me. "There is a reckoning for you!"
Ugh, I didn't feel like doing that reckoning. It reminded me of that one time I had the Pony Pox and totally didn't spread it around to my battalion, in case anypony asks, which, after Pony Pox went through my battalion, they absolutely did. I began dragging myself into the building I'd hit the first time, the one that didn't have a Batsy-shaped indent. Tirek's thundering hoofsteps shook the ground, but I managed to get inside before he saw me. I groaned and laid down on the floor, not really feeling like getting up, as a host of new smells overtook me. A host of new, yet familiar smells.
"Batsy?" a voice as familiar as the smells said. I looked up and saw Taffy Winkle poking his head out from behind his counter. It didn't look like Tirek had gotten his magic yet, lucky devil. Instead of saying hi, I opted for a groan. "Geez, what happened to you?" Taffy Winkle quickly rushed out from behind the counter and lifted me onto his back. His very muscular back. He rushed into the basement I'd cleaned out for him and gently laid me down on a mattress.
"Thanks," I muttered, nuzzling deeper into the mattress.
"Don't mention it," Taffy said, grabbing a water bottle and bringing it to my lips. "I set up a bit of a shelter down here when I found out that we were being attacked. What's going on up there? I heard something hit my shop, but I'm not sure what."
"Mighta been me," I said between sips of water. "Got in a fight with Tirek. Kicked his ass."
"You sure about that?" Taffy said, wiping a stray strand of mane away from my forehead. "You look like you've been through the ringer."
"'Course 'm sure." I said. My words were beginning to slur a bit. I did feel kind of tired. "Shot some magic into his eyes a few times. He got scared of me."
"Shot some magic at him?" Taffy said, disbelief in his voice. "How did you do that?"
"With my horn," I said, patting my forehead. It was still there, thankfully enough, but I couldn't put a single bit of energy into it. "Uh... got it when Princess Celestia and Princess Luna gave me their magic. First bat pony princess. That's me."
"Okay, Batsy. If you say so." He still didn't sound like he believed me, even with the horn right there. "You've obviously had a rough go of it. You just relax, okay? He's not going to find us in here."
"Mhm." I grabbed onto one of his forelegs and squeezed it like a big teddy bear. "Gonna totally kick Tirek's plot when I see him again. Gonna get my super magic back and everything. Princess Batsy Fluttentuft the Magnificent."
"Sounds like a plan."
Even if Taffy said otherwise, I did not sniffle and I didn't begin tearing up. That would be decidedly un-magnificent of me. I just had kind of a hard day, and it was dusty in the basement. I guess he hadn't cleaned it again since I'd done it for him. I'd help him out with that once I got my magic back.
But yeah, I need to get a bit of a nap first.
* * * *
"Batsy? You okay? It's over. We can go back up."
I grumbled and rubbed one of my eyes. "Five more minutes," I grumbled. "I'll get to my shift on time."
"Batsy, Tirek has been beaten. The sun has even been put back!"
I cracked on eye open and remembered that I was in Taffy's basement. Well, not that I'd forgotten, mind you, but I put it back in the front of my mind. But wait, did he say that Tirek had been beaten? Holy cow, I know I do weird things when I sleepwalk, but this was amazing, even for me! I raised my head and tried pouring magic into my horn. Still nothing, though. I frowned and looked back at my amazing flank. My cutie mark was back, so why wasn't my magic?
"Apparently Princess Twilight and her friends opened up some magical box and beat him that way," Taffy said, his voice chipper. "Everything is okay."
"But..." I frowned and tried to use magic again. "I can't use my magic anymore."
Taffy returned my frown and tilted his head. "How did you even get that, anyway?"
"I told you: Princess Celestia and Princess Luna gave me their magic. They wanted me to give it to Princess Twilight, but I decided to fight Tirek first."
"Beyond not imagining why in Celestia's name you'd choose to fight that monster, I'm thinking you hit your head on my shop one too many times."
"Nu-uh," I said, shaking my head. "That happened. I mean, I didn't plan to have Tirek take my magic, per se, but I did succeed in pissing him off enough for Princess Twilight to beat him." Pretty sure that's what happened. I did most of the heavy lifting, no doubt.
"Right." Taffy sighed and shook his head. "Either way, you seem to be okay now that you have your bat pony magic back. You going to go back to Canterlot Castle? I'll walk you over there if you want."
"Nah, I can make it there by myself." I got to my hooves and stretched out my wings. Now that I had my bat pony magic back, I intended to fly the entire way there. A bat pony who can't fly... I didn't even like to think about that.
After saying goodbye to Taffy, I flew back to Canterlot Castle. It took a second for my eyes to adjust to the sun being up again (I personally liked what I did with it better) but I noticed that Canterlot was a total wreck. Surely Tirek had done most of that before he'd gotten Princess Celestia and Princess Luna's magic. I reached the castle, which was just as wrecked as the rest of Canterlot, and went into the throne room. Princess Celestia, Princess Luna and Princess Twilight were all there, and they all had their cutie marks back. Princess Luna looked over when she saw me come in and grimaced.
"Batsy." The other two princesses turned to look at me. "You had one job, Batsy."
"Hey, it's not my fault that Tirek found me pretty quickly!" I said, raising a hoof defensively. "It worked out in the end, too, because I weakened him enough that Princess Twilight could defeat him easily!"
"We trusted you with our magic and you let him take it, Batsy," Princess Celestia said sternly. "If not for the Tree of Harmony, that could have led to the ruin of all!"
"Buuut it didn't," I said with a confident smile. "And now everything has gone back to normal."
"Not quite everything," Princess Luna said, walking up to me. "You still have a horn."
I shrugged. "Yeah, no biggie." I can never be too awesome. A thought struck me, and I grinned at Princess Luna again. "But since the only ponies who have wings and a horn are princesses, and I have wings and a horn, does that mean...?"
"No, Batsy!" Princess Luna growled. Sheesh, just ignore logic, why don't you? I tried channeling magic through my horn again, and, to my utter delight, I produced a few sparks. Boom. Mic drop. I'm totally a legit alicorn. Sure the sparks were the only thing I could do, but the rest would come in time, no doubt.
"Well obviously you still have to think about it. That's cool. But since I helped save Equestria, does that mean that I'm not on super probation anymore?"
Princess Luna gritted her teeth and rubbed her forehead. "Batsy..."
"Plus, promises were made. Promises about all of the bat treats I could ever want." I slinked up to Princess Luna and fluttered my wings in a cute manner. "Soooo...."
Princess Luna sighed and closed her eyes. She muttered something to herself that even my awesome hearing couldn't pick up. I don't get what her issue was. I did a rather excellent job, if I do say so myself, which I will to whoever asks.
"I suppose a few bat treats may be in order for undertaking the mission at all," Princess Luna allowed. "Even if you did mess it up."
Eh, I don't really think so, but Princess Luna has weird ideas sometimes.
"So if you wish you may go down to the kitchens. Let the head chef know I have sent you. He'll allow you access to the bat treat jar."
She didn't need to tell me twice! Best invasion of Canterlot ever!
Author's Note
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