Unicorn Horns Are Made of Heroin
Horn. Lick. Horn. Unicorn. Lick. Horn.
Jumbled thoughts spiraled over and over again through Pinkie’s mind. No matter what else she tried to do or what song she tried to sing, she couldn’t get this obsession out of her mind. She needed to lick another unicorn horn, and soon. She was getting a little shaky just thinking about it.
Basically, she needed help. Heading over to Twilight’s house, she figured that she could get this help one way or another. Perhaps Twilight would have some kind of spell that could help to clear her mind, or…worst case scenario…she could always lick Twilight’s horn despite her promise. Sure, she’d risk getting turned to stone, but at least if she was stone, she wouldn’t feel like this.
Banging agitatedly on the door to Twilight’s castle, she yelled for somepony to open it up. Before long, Spike came to let her in. “You, too?” he asked Pinkie, who was breathing heavily and twitching rather erratically. Pinkie didn’t know what to say to this, so she merely raced by, heading toward the room that she hoped Twilight would currently be in – the library.
And Twilight was indeed in the library, but she wasn’t acting very “Twilight”-y. She was, in fact, laughing hysterically and throwing books all over the place. Each toss was punctuated by a head tilt and an eye twitch or two.
“It must be here somewhere!” she shouted.
“What?” Pinkie asked, barely holding herself back from jumping on Twilight at that very moment.
“Starswirl’s horn!” Twilight said. “As the most magical unicorn ever to live, his horn was kept as a relic that could be used as a catalyst for all sorts of powerful spells!”
"And…?” Pinkie asked.
“And it’s the tastiest thing I’ve ever tasted! I can’t even describe it – nothing in all of Equestria can match its majesty! It must be the purest, most magical-tasting horn ever!” Twilight said, nervously stepping back and forth as she flipped through a book at manic speed.
Pinkie couldn’t take it anymore. She rushed Twilight so quickly that she slammed her into the wall. Laughing hysterically herself, she roughly licked Twilight’s horn over and over again, each lick seeming to calm her down just a little bit until she was finally able to think more clearly.
“Ah, that’s better,” Pinkie said, backing away from Twilight, who had apparently been knocked unconscious. “Twilight? Are you okay?” She could barely remember what had even been happening for the last hour or so, and it pained her to see her friend as hurt as she apparently was, even if the “injury” was nothing but unconsciousness itself.
It was at this moment that Spike walked into the room. “Uh…how are you two doing?” he asked nervously, seeming ready to bolt at the slightest warning.
“I…I think I hurt Twilight,” Pinkie said sadly. Spike walked over to see what had happened.
After looking over her for a minute or so, Spike said, “I’m no doctor, but I think she’ll be alright. You two need to be more careful! Both of you have been going crazy! Ever since Twilight licked this, she…” He trailed off, feeling uncomfortable with the way Pinkie was looking at the unicorn horn he was holding up.
“Is that…Starswirl’s horn?” Pinkie asked.
"…Yes?” Spike replied.
“Let me have it!” Pinkie shouted, jumping on Spike and licking frantically in the direction of the horn he was holding. She’d already broken her promise to Celestia, anyway, but nothing seemed to have happened so far. And she probably didn’t need to get permission from this horn’s owner, anyway. Spike dropped the horn and ran away, leaving Pinkie to lick the horn in private (or at least, as private as it could be with Twilight unconscious in the same room).
After Pinkie had experienced several long minutes of pure, delicious pleasure, Twilight woke up. “What…what happened?” she asked. She was still experiencing some symptoms of withdrawal herself, but she was able to hold them back, at least for now.
Turning toward the corner of the room where Pinkie was licking away at Starswirl’s horn, Twilight shouted, “No! Stop!” Pinkie paid her no mind.
Now that Twilight was thinking more clearly, she remembered the research that she had been conducting on the horn before it had gone missing. While unicorn horns were tasty, this wasn’t the only quality that they had. They were, in fact, naturally coated with the most addictive substance known to ponykind. It seemed innocent enough while you were experiencing it, but once you had gone too long without it, you could go crazy. She had…uh…learned this firsthand.
She wondered for a moment where Rarity and her other test subjects had gone off to, but she figured that that problem could wait until later. For now, she had to get that horn away from Pinkie.
But this was easier said than done – she tried simply using her magic to levitate it away, but Pinkie held on, even when she flung the horn around in the air. And she tried teleporting away with it, but Pinkie somehow managed to come with her then, too. Finally, she decided that it was time to resort to desperate measures.
Taking a deep breath and whispering, “Sorry!” Twilight rammed into Pinkie in the same way that Pinkie had rammed into her earlier, knocking her out and causing the horn to roll across the floor and under a bookshelf. After several hours of unconsciousness, she would hopefully wake up with a clearer mind, just as Twilight had done previously…
Meanwhile, Spike had rushed off to get Princess Celestia, hoping that she could help with Pinkie and Twilight’s addiction problems. But when he got to Canterlot Castle, he found a rather…different sight than he expected.
The moment that the castle’s doors opened, Princess Luna ran out, followed in close pursuit by Princess Celestia. “Just one more taste!” Celestia shouted after her, licking the horns of several Royal Guards along the way.
"No!” Luna shouted.
“Then begone with you!” Celestia screamed in anger, her horn lighting up with rage. And Luna disappeared, banished back to the Moon for another thousand years…give or take.
“So that’s why Pinkie isn’t a statue,” Spike thought, and turned to head back home. But then he started thinking…if even Princess Celestia was doing this, maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. There was a Guard right there who was just asking to have his horn licked…
The End
