I smiled at Adagio as she sat in the little, empty room she called an office. She worked tirelessly nowadays, always researching a way to harvest some sort of magic, any kind of magic so we could sustain ourselves. But she won't find a way. Both me and Aria know that, I'm sure even Adagio knows it herself, deep down. But I tried to keep things cheerful. I would bring her whatever bits of food I could find, even if it did nothing for any of us. I would help Aria around, her using a large portion of her magic in a previous attempt to find a new source of magic, she was now the weakest of us all.
But we rarely spoke with each other anymore, Adagio's excuse was, "a waste of energy". But I knew she was just sad. Very, sad and disappointed. She blamed herself for this, I knew she couldn't blame us. Or at least Aria. They could both blame me sometimes, but that's okay. I knew I deserved it.
With Aria tucked in in her room and Adagio fed and watered, I sighed as I sat down and began my letter, my tiny hands shaking as I tried to write neatly.
Dear Adagio and Aria,
Ever since we became sirens, I've never had a choice. Because, unlike you two, I didn't want to be like that. I didn't want to be lustful for power and greedy. I didn't want to ruin lives and relationships; to feed off of everything I hate in the world. All my life it seems, everyone has been ordering me around, telling me I'm stupid, telling me what to do—even if I hate doing it. Even if doing it just breaks my heart.
I know you two are looking for a way to get that back, but ever since our medallions broke I've been able to think clearly again. I've been able to make my own choice.
I realize that without our medallions we can't eat or sustain ourselves. I'm not the idiot you think I—Well I am, but I'm not that stupid. My choice is selfish and I know I'm going to hurt you both, or at least some part of me hopes it will hurt you at least a little. Not because I hate you! Because I love both of you and... Sometimes I'm not sure you two do. Sometimes it feels like you both hate me; that you think I'm a waste of time and air. So... Deep in my heart, I want this to hurt you, just so if I ever find out, I'll know you two truly did care about me. And I'm so, so sorry if it does hurt. That isn't what I want.
What I want: Is the ability to live without hurting others. I hate hurting people and ponies so much I can't even tell you. I can't even imagine putting that into words. But I can't ever have that, so I'm making a different choice for roughly the same outcome.
Goodbye, I love you both so much, please forgive me.
~Sonata
«♦»
My breath was broken and ragged as I slid down the wall, everything—including my blurred, teary vision—shaking. Oh god I'm so hungry. My stomach felt like someone had been stomping on it, it took all I had not to just curl up and clutch it in agony. But I had to do this, while I had the chance. I couldn't go on hurting people anymore, I just couldn't take it now that I could decide; now that the medallion wasn't tainting my view of the world.
I winced as I brought up the cold, grey pistol. In my weakened grasp, I could barely hold it without it tumbling through my frail, bony fingers. "Oh god..." I muttered under my breath. "Oh god, oh god oh god..." I started to chant it as I thought more and more about what I was about to do. My every instinct was pleading; begging me not to. But I couldn't stop, I couldn't live like this anymore. My time had come and gone a long, long time ago. "Everyone has their time..."
"Sonata!" I flinched, my eyes closing as I heard Adagio slamming against the locked door. I had hoped I could be done before they found the letter. "Sonata stop it! Don't do what I think you're going to!"
"Yeah! Don't be an idiot! We do love you, we do care about you! Please!" Aria joined in. They were making this so much harder.
"Adagio, Aria..." My voice threatened to break into a sob as I leaned further into the corner. "I have to do this. I'm sorry, but I have to!"
"No you don't!" Adagio bangs against the door with her fragile hands again, small and tiny sounds compared to what she wants I imagine. "Please, we'll find another way!"
As I heard them fumbling with keys against the handle I lifted the pistol back up, checking that the safety is off. "I'm sorry..."
The door flew open as I brought the gun to my temple and closed my eyes. "No!" I pulled the trigger.
Click!
My breathes grew deeper as I inched my eye open, bringing the gun around to view. It had jammed. I shifted my gaze to Adagio and Aria, staring in just as much shock as me, then shifted it back to the gun as I reached and yanked the slide back. "Not again!" Adagio ran over, Aria stumbling over into the floor as our sister tried to yank the loaded gun from my hands.
"No! You won't do this to me, you won't take away my choice! No!" I squeezed my eyes shut, pulling with every ounce of energy I had left and pulling the trigger.
Bang!
The sound of a gun being fired inches from your ear is literally deafening. I could only hear ringing as I opened my eyes and looked down at my lap in another bout of shock. I had no idea where the gun was anymore, no idea where I was anymore. It felt like I'd awoken into a world of dark silence.
"Adagio!"
I blinked and blinked as my vision slowly returned, the blinding flash from the muzzle temporarily blinding me in the already dark room. As tid bits of my hearing returned I heard sobbing. "Aria?" Even my own voice was tinier and meeker than usual. As my vision returned however, my shock and confused twisted and morphed into horror. "Adagio!" Everything was shoved into crystal clarity as I dragged myself across the now very wet and sticky floor to her.
Drip... Drip... ...Drip...
Every little noise, every breath; even my own heart beat thumped loudly in my ears as I pulled myself to her. "This isn't fair!" I shouted as I grabbed her still form and pulled myself onto her sobbing loudly as my warm tears mixed with the searing, sticky fluids dripping from her. "It was supposed to be me! Don't do this to me!" I screamed as I pressed my face into the crook of her mangled neck in a completely different kind of agony than I was in before. This hurt all the more worse than I ever could have imagined.
"I'm sorry...!"
«♦»
“ 'If only.' Those must be the two saddest words in the world. ”
― Mercedes Lackey
Author's Note
Written due to writers block with my other story Letters. I couldn't really get into the mood of the story because I've been spending so much time on a comedy, so I thought I'd write something sad to balance things out.
...
Okay it makes sense in my head at least.
I wished she would yell. I wished, with all my heart, that she would cry; just to let it out. That she'd just hit me and beat me until my brittle bones crumbled under her fists. But she wouldn't do it. My eyes drifted around, settling on the door. We couldn't bury her; we didn't have the strength, emotionally or physically, to even get her out of the room. And if we called the police, we'd spend our last few days in jail. So we just... Left her. I tried to make her happy, maybe she'd stop smelling so bad then. I drew her drawings and slipped them under the door. Aria got upset when I opened the door, so... After I covered her up—she was getting cold—I just left it locked.
She would always give me this sad look, Aria I mean, when I was drawing. She thought I didn't notice, but I did. She thought I had gone crazy, drawing for Adagio like I was. I wasn't crazy, I hadn't forgotten that Adagio had... I had killed her; how could anyone forget that? I was just coping in the best way I could. I rolled, pushing myself up onto shaky legs, the features faded and shrunken, and crept into the next room. "Ari-" My voice croaked, scratchy and dry. I braced on the door way and coughed painfully, tasting a hint of iron. I blinked the damp in my eyes away, deciding rather to look for her.
I found her laid on the tattered rug beside the front door. I grimaced, walking over and sitting beside her. Her eyes opened slightly, numbly glancing up towards me. I rested a hand on her shoulder, rubbing it gently. I mean it's not like I could rub it forcefully either way. After a while, her hand lifted and rested on mine.
I sighed, standing up and glancing outside. The window at the top of the door was cracked and filthy, but outside I still saw the snow falling on the playing children outside. They tossed a baseball between the three of them, cute little boys without a care. Every now and then they’d point, ‘ooooh, look at the scary old house! I wonder what’s inside?’ I could imagine them saying. I smiled slightly, bending back down, “Aria,” I whispered, “It’s snowing.” She stared. “Like… Snow.” My hand raised and quivered in the air like a snowflake. “Cold white things.”
“...I know what snow is.” She said.
I sighed, “Remember last Christmas?”
“No.”
“We went and got that tree?” I made a tree shape. “And it couldn’t stand up right?” I swooped my arms over until it looked like a ‘C’ almost.
“...Yeah.”
I sighed, standing up shakily to look back outside. “We should’ve gotten a tree this year. Dagi would’ve loved it.” I shifted my eyes down to her, she had closed her eyes again. “Are you sleepy?” She nodded, and I nodded back. ...I mean she couldn’t see that I nodded, but I was agreeing with her despite that. I sighed, walking back into the other room. Adagio. I saw the door, the slight dents on it, the scrapes and scratches. I moved and placed my hand on it, the smell intensifying.
“What if… What if I hadn’t of done that..?” I asked. “I mean… You’d be here, right now. But…” I looked back towards the room Aria was laid down in. “...But you’d be almost as weak as she is. Is that… Is that right?” I walked over and peeked through the doorway at her, “Is it okay I’m letting her stay in this condition?”
I sighed, “I mean… Yeah!” I nodded. “It’s better to be alive than... Well dead. No matter what.”
«♦»
Crash!
I jumped, wrapping my arms over my face as glass tumbled out of the broken window. I blinked my eyes awake, rolling carefully onto my side to let the glass fall off my arms before moving them out of my face. I glanced up. Snow flittered in the window, careless to the confusion. I stared at it, glancing back down to the glass, then back to the window. I roughly swept the glass away, pushing myself off the floor into a semi-knelt state, peeking out the window.
I yelped, something whizzing past my head. I ducked to the side, whatever it was smacking the wall behind me. I looked around for it, was it a bird? A plane? A train even?! Well a tiny one. Ball. I blinked, tilting my head at it as it rolled up and touched my foot. “Why Mr. Ball?” I reached down, picking it up and inspecting the baseball. “Why’d you do it?”
I heard another ball crack against the top pane of the window, my interrogation being cut short. “Reinforcements?” I asked him. Mrs. Ball crashed through the top pane, the glass tinkling out onto the floor. I hid my face, not wanting it to attack my eyes.
My feet kicked out, pushing me up and into the corner, squeezing Mr. Ball’s balliness in my weak hands. I peaked out, my eye barely curving around the lip of the window. I saw the three boys, a small stack of stuff beside each of them. I frowned coughing and clearing my throat, moistening it with the foul tasting ick that came up. I mumbled, getting louder as I tested my voice. I poked my head out the window, “Hey! Stop that, it’s mean!” I yelled as loud as I could, which, unfortunately, wasn’t as loud as I used to be able to.
The boys nodded to themselves, looking at each other. I sighed, fiddling with the broken glass that hadn’t fallen out of the window. “Ow..” I nicked my finger, bringing it up and suckling on it before... I glanced back at them—
Bop!
I slammed onto the floor, dazed and confused as glass crinkled under me. A strange warmth felt its way down my throat, tasting of iron again. I groaned, sitting up slowly, and the warmth draining down my face. I dabbed my finger on it, pulling it back to see dark—I winced, my eyes closing as my hand slapped over my mouth. I felt sick, my mouth damped lightly with a sour horrible taste. I swallowed it down, my mouth nearly forcing itself open as a strange noise crackled out of my throat, like a dying radio, ending in my ragged breathing.
My eyes opened, one harder than the other, and they were full of tears. I blinked, water running down to my chin. I kept my gaze locked out in front of me at the floor under the window, not daring to look down at it.
Crash!
I heard another window shatter, but I couldn’t move. I felt the nausea boiling up, another odd sound croaking. I tried to stop it, but I couldn’t. My hand dropped to the floor, pushing the glass into it without care as I tried to stand up again. My vision faded black and I lost myself, like I had fallen through the world. My hand shot out and slipped against the wall, something lubricating it, and my feet danced around under me, my balance almost failing. I gasped breaths in and out, my head hanging in exhaustion, blinking until I could see. I looked—and closed my eyes, more sick filling my mouth as I saw it on the floor.
It dribbled out, my right hand braced on the wall, and the other forgotten. I stepped around, finding my balance and bringing both hands up to wipe my lower face, trying to get it off me but seeming to just rub more on my face. I shook my head, walking over to the door and opening my eyes. Glass was all over the floor, the window at the top of the door remained only as a handful of pieces. Aria was where I left her, looking around in confusion, and probably fear. “Aria.”
She looked over, her eyes locking on me. I smiled a little, trying to lighten the mood. Her mouth hung open slightly, “...You’re covered in b̕̕l҉̢҉o͏̵͏͏͠ò̧d̷̡̛͝.” My brain garbled the word out, refusing to hear it. I tilted my head, giving her a funny look. Then I looked at the door. “What’s happening?” Her voice was gone, just whispers.
I sighed, “Just some neighborhood kids playing a game.” I saw a rock tumbled through the window in Adagio’s ‘office’.
Aria sighed as well, laying her head back against the floor. “...A game…”
I nodded, walking over and sitting next to her. “Yep.” She nodded slightly.
“Guys! Come on!” The eldest yelled from outside. A moments pause, and I heard their footsteps crunch the snow as they walked away away.
I rested my face into the crevice between my knees, sniffling slightly. Aria went quiet as I sat there, I didn’t want to move. “...Aria, it’s cold…”
«♦»
I shuddered, my fingers, digging into my arms to stop the shivers. “Ari—” I coughed, “—a, I’m still cold…”
I glanced down at her, she was sleeping. I sniffed, shards of dry crap on my face scratching the inside of my nose. I reached up and rubbed it shakily, sneaking a finger in and scraping the ouchies out. I shook my head, a headache thumping inside my skull. I held my head in my hand, giving my nose an experimental sniff. Better, I guess.
I leaned forward, my legs quivering under me as I stood up. I felt weaker, but maybe that was just the cold. I wandered into the next room, glancing over at the door to my room. I sighed, turning the knob and wandering in. I stared over at Adagio, well at the blankey I hid her under. It smelt bad in here, worse than it ever did out there. I walked over to her, my shoes sticking to the floor with each step, kinda like the floors at the theatre, and knelt down next to her.
“H–Hey, Dagi…” I coughed, my voice drying again. “How you doin’?” I waited a moment, trying to be polite. “I uh… We aren’t doing too well without you here you know…” I sighed, resting my hand on the blanket. “Aria’s weak and well... I don’t know what to do…”
I glanced down and saw a shimmer of metal, staring at it dimly. “Sh… Should I just leave her to suffer like that, Dagi…?” I reached down and picked the… “Should I just…?”
I held it in my hands, looking it over. Tears welled in my eyes, dripping down onto it. I croaked again—a sob. That’s what this noise was.
«♦»
I knelt down, running my fingers through her hair. She felt cold. “Aria?” I called out softly, shaking her gently. She cracked an eye and looked at me, “How do you feel?” I asked.
She stared at me. “Like someone took my stomach out and put the rest of me in a freezer, how do you think I feel?” My hand clinched.
“D–Do you wish we had a way to end this?” I smiled a little, biting my lower lip. “That we could stop feeling so weak and hungry?”
“...Yeah.”
“Would you… Want to know if I found a way? But it’s not what you think you want?”
She nodded. “Where are you going with this?”
I smiled, “Close your eyes.” She stared. “Please.” She sighed, closing her eyes. I swallowed, it was hard. I leaned down, “Aria, I really love you okay? I’m sorry.” I kissed her cheek, bringing up the pistol and holding it between us, “...Maybe Adagio is happier this way, you know? That… She never lost everything to the point she was weak an–and helpless…”
I felt tears running down my cheeks. “Maybe.” She said softly. “It does seem more like Dagi to feel like that, she always… Had a pride in her step. Even when we were growing weaker, she never let go of who she was.”
I gulped, my hands shaking. “Y–Yeah.” I scooted back quietly, my hands shaking from the cold and the weight, both the physical and emotional.
She sighed, furrowing her brow, and my eyes clinched shut. “Sona—”
Bang!
I held my breath, holding the pistol straight out in front of me with both hands shaking. My ears rang, I couldn’t even hear my own strangled sounding sobs, or the pistol dropping on the floor. I curled in, wrapping myself in a hug and crying. I sniffed, snot dripping down my face, “A–At least you don’t have to sp–spend you last few days here with me… I really am the worst…” I mumbled, my hearing returning just enough to hear myself speak. I rubbed my eyes before opening them, and staring back into hers.
“...You’re the worst shot at least, but…” Aria mumbled softly, reaching out and resting a hand on my wrist.
«♦»
“We shall show mercy, but we shall not ask for it. “
—Winston Churchill
Author's Note
