Something Spikey
There and back again
By Wanderer D
o.0.o
"I've had it!" Spike said, slamming his packed knapsack next to the door to Twilight's castle. "All of you are just impeding my growth!"
"Spike," Twilight sighed. "We've talked about this. Nopony is impeding your growth. Nor keeping you away from your hoard. Nor preventing you from being with your "one true love". Nor forcing you to work as a slave. Nor abusing your rights. Nor preventing you from making friends your age. Nor keeping you from your draconic family." She shook her head. "We've been over this a thousand times!"
"But I haven't seen my draconic family!" Spike challenged her.
"They invited you over for their latest flight," Twilight pointed out, then pointed at him with a hoof. "You declined."
Spike sneered. "But, I don't have friends my age!"
Twilight sighed. "You insist on hanging with us adult mares even when you have plenty of time and opportunity to hang out with others your age," she stated. "The crusaders are only a year or two younger than you, and that's just three out of hundreds of youngsters in Ponyville."
"I have rights, you know?! I could have social services here right this instant!"
"You're provided everything you need, fed, educated, encouraged to succeed and nopony has ever raised a hoof in anger at you," Twilight replied, tapping one hoof on the other for each item listed.
"I'm just a slave to you!" Spike roared.
Twilight rolled her eyes. "You have an allowance. You have plenty of free time. You can choose to be anywhere in Equestria, and while I would miss you, I would ensure you had a home if you chose another place to live other than here and Canterlot."
"It's thanks to you that I can't be with my one true love!"
Twilight rubbed her temples. "Spike, you have a one-sided crush on Rarity," she explained slowly. "That doesn't qualify her as as 'your one true love'. For there to be true love, it should be reciprocal. And if it was reciprocal, that mare would not hesitate to make it clear."
"At least if I was allowed to have a hoard—"
"The part of your hard-earned hoard you don't eat is spent on comic books," Twilight retorted. "By you."
"Well I'm still angry!"
"I can tell. And you're not even a teenager yet," Twilight grumbled.
"Well, I'm leaving! If you don't believe I'm mature enough, that's your problem!" Spike stated, petulantly kicking his knapsack.
"Spike, think about this," Twilight said, looking at him with some worry. "Where will you go?"
"To the wastelands!" Spike declared. "I'll spend ten years there and grow up cool and strong! When I return, no mare or dragoness will be able to resist my charms and natural musk, nor my anthropomorphic bipedal growthspurt! Or my choice of clothing reminiscent of Kingdom Hearts!"
Twilight sighed. "Spike, you have no idea how to survive. Life is not a videogame or a comic."
"I have claws! And fire!"
"Your non-magical flame is 3 inches long, and two inches wide," Twilight replied, horn glowing as a magical diagram of Spike's flames' properties appeared, floating in the air. "Your claws are sharp but you don't have any experience fighting."
Spike glared at Twilight.
Twilight looked back at him tiredly.
"I don't care about your facts! I'm Spike! And I will be cool!"
"Spike," Twilight pleaded. "You are cool as you are. Just take it slow. Remember the song: It's not time to make a change. Just relax. Take it easy..."
"You're not my father!"
"I hatched you, so I would technically be your mom."
"Raaaggh!" Spike hollered, shaking his arms wildly and unable to think logically or argue with Twilight's facts about how his life did not suck at all. He grabbed his knapsack and ran out, attempting to slam the gates to the castle behind him, but failing due to lack of strength.
Miffed, he scampered away, trying to draw as much attention to his intents as possible in the subconscious hope that somepony—anypony—would talk him out of an obviously stupid idea.
But nopony did.
10 YEARS LATER
The Legendary High Council of Harmony and their princess were gathered in the Crystal Tree's council chamber, observing Twilight as she shook her head.
"I can't! I can't give up!" Twilight wailed.
"It's been ten years, Twilight," Dame Rarity said, patting her friend on the shoulder. "I believe it is time to let go."
"But Rarity..." Twilight shook her head. "Isn’t there another way? I’ve been taking care of this tree since Spike left. I found the seed, discarded, in the middle of his room. It's a constant reminder of his absence, and my failure at remembering him every second! I didn't think of him once the whole of last year!"
"I know, dear, but it's clear that it's rotten from the inside, and we all want to forget. Why, Dame Applejack herself said there was nothing to do for it, and you know how she is about trees and letting go."
Twilight nodded morosely.
"Ah'm no different than anypony else at lettin' go." Applejack glared at Rarity. "But Rarity is right, Ah looked at it myself, sugarcube. There's no savin' this one."
Twilight sighed and nodded again. "I'll schedule a burning for it to prevent the disease inside from spreading."
A sharp knock on the door interrupted them, and they turned to see a guard sticking his head into the room. "Your highness, High Council of Harmony... forgive my interruption, but we have some sort of creature demanding your presence. It swears it knows you."
Looking at the others quizzically, Twilight nodded and headed to the throne room, where a bipedal creature—wrapped in an old, torn and poorly fixed hemp cloak with several half-attached zippers—stood, muttering to itself and clutching a plank with what appeared to be white and purple smears of paint of some sort and two holes running through it, close to itself.
They all took their places and gazed expectantly at their visitor, who seemed to be involved in a conversation with itself and the plank.
"Yessss my preciousss, yesss, we are back! Yesss!" it muttered, and then strained out a laugh. "Mihihihihiiiiii!"
"Um... sir?" Twilight spoke up. "How can we help you?"
The figure started then looked up. "You don't recognize me? Your prressious and number one assistant?"
"You don't look like Snoopy!"
The creature seemed confused. "Who?"
"Rarity's husband and my number one assistant," Twilight explained. "He's the diamond dog I hired two hours after Spike lef—wait, Spike? Is that you?"
Spike's eyebrow twitched and he raised to his full stature as he walked up to Twilight and looked up to meet her eyes.
"You replaced me?!" he barked in her face, making her wince.
"Spike, two words..." Twilight coughed. "Breath mints."
"How could you replace me? I told you I was coming back when I was cool!"
Twilight stepped back, waving her hoof in the air and shaking her head. "You left in a tantrum, Spike, and I tried looking for you. I even kept your room clean and a plant I found growing in there alive for all these years! Well..." she grinned sheepishly. "That is until this morning when we saw it was rotting from the inside."
Spike whirled around and pointed an accusing, flea-infested claw at Rarity, who recoiled from him. "And you! How could you betray our love?"
Rarity blinked. "Our what now?"
"You knew I was coming back for you, babe! And now look at me!" Spike shouted showing off his lanky form. "I am bigger and cooler than ever before!"
Rarity coughed behind her hoof. "Oh. Well, um... while you've certainly... uh... stretched, Spikey, I'm not certain what you mean by love..."
"What? Don't you remember? Even when I became a giant lizard and we were falling to our deaths, you said you knew I loved you!"
Rarity's eyes went wide. "Is that what you were going to say?" she asked, gasping. "Oh my, Spike. I-I thought you were just going to say you were sorry for all the trouble."
"Oh." Spike lowered his arms. His claws clenched, shaking with anger. "This is all your fault!"
"Sorry, Spike," Twilight said, sitting back in her throne. "But it isn't. You could have stayed here, grow with a healthy diet, maybe even managed to confess your feelings for Rarity... but you weren't here and we all had to move on," she said, looking down sadly. "Even me. It seems that for all your claims, the only one that didn't grow up... is you."
"Then I will destroy you all!" Spike shouted, flames raging out of his snout. He growled threateningly and crouched, ready to attack... only to be levitated by a lavender field of magic.
"How about you take a shower first?" Twilight said, walking out of the room with him in tow. "Then you're going to school and you're going to relearn some manners."
"I will destroy you!" Spike roared, flailing around in the magical field.
"Sure, sure," Twilight droned, levitating the painted plank and giving it to him. "Look, I'll let you take your friend with you into the bath. Then we'll get some real food in that stomach of yours, and schedule a long-overdue visit to the psychiatrist."
"But I don't wanna go to the doctor!"
"Too bad! You're going, and that's it!"
o.0.o
"So," Starlight Glimmer asked. "How did it go?"
Spike stumbled out of the crystal contraption she had made, his short legs giving in until he was kneeling down and panting. "Are you sure this thing shows the future accurately?" he gasped.
She shrugged. "As accurately as can be expected. It is an inversion of Starswirl's spell, meant only to show you how a certain action of sufficient consequence would most likely end within ten to fifteen years."
"I-I see," Spike muttered.
"Not what you were expecting?" Starlight asked.
Spike gulped and shook his head. "Um... I think I need to go."
Starlight nodded. "Where are you going?"
"I think I do have some issues with my size and wishful thinking." He coughed, looking away. "I think it's time I take Twilight's offer and go talk to Dr. Fevered Dreams," he admitted.
Starlight watched him go, then turned to look at the shadows. "Enjoyed the show?"
Twilight smiled. "Thank you for your help, Starlight, I've been trying to convince him to talk to a professional about his size and age issues, but he wouldn't listen."
Starlight chuckled. "Oh, it's fine. I wish I had done that back in the day myself."
Twilight smiled in understanding. "For what it's worth, I think you're doing just fine."
"Thanks," Starlight said, then looked at her crystal contraption. "Well, we should probably destroy this before somepony abuses it."
"Wait..." Twilight's eyes widened. "You mean all of that wasn't made up?"
Starlight snorted. "You should know by now, Princess, I don't do things halfway."
Twilight nodded slowly. "Okay... I'll, uh, go make sure Spike's appointment happens. Soon. Thanks."
Starlight watched Twilight scamper away and shrugged. "At least she didn't ask to see Rarity's wedding night." She shuddered. "Yes. Maybe this contraption should be destroyed."
The End
Author's Note
Something silly for AF? I dunno.
As a side note... if people think that Spike can only be "cool" by turning him into some sort of emo, teen mary-sue, they don't get the character at all.
