Author's Note
'Office Love When?' is performed in front of a Live Studio audience. All of the characters depicted from Man's Best Friend and Office Love are starring as themselves and will not be paid for their performances. This performance is brought to you in part by the letter 'Q' and is funded by people like you.
One-Shot
"Anon."
"What?"
"Were you listening to a single word I said?"
You glance up from your paperwork to get a good look at Brand, your boss. Brand has always been kind to you before, but if there's one thing you knew about the espresso coloured stallion, is that he hates when you ignore him.
"Sorry, I got lost in these TPS reports."
"Really? Are you kidding me?" he asks.
"Yeah, my bad. I just get really wrapped up in my work."
"Listen, Anon. I can appreciate all the hard work you do for this place. Seriously. You work long hours. You moved from your old town to come to our budding company. And we've even gotten you a secretary to help out with the massive workload you take on for yourself."
You lean back in your chair and look at the office you've earned for yourself. The centerpiece of your office is a large mahogany desk, covered in stacks of organized papers and projects lit by two flickering fluorescent lights above you. Of course, there is two chairs for whoever visited you or wanted to discuss business, but the whole room is only about the size of two office cubicles. On top of that, it's not like there is any glass to make the confined space feel large. The only thing that distracts you from the tightness of the room, is the work that you pour yourself into.
"Yeah? I love my job."
Brand places a hoof on the back of his neck as he looks to a different corner of the room.
"Well, I don't know. Isn't there anything else you do? I mean. Don't you have friends here in Manehattan? Loved ones?"
"Not really," you reply.
Brand looks back to you, his face dropping.
"Nothing? You aren't trying to... you know. Find a special somepony? Adopt a pet? No other hobbies or anything?"
You shake your head then look back down to your papers.
"Nah. There's way too much to do for the company. Most nights I just take some work home with me."
A silence fills the room. You scribble a few more notes down on last month's billing statements, then look up to your guest. Brand gives you a studying eye, as if you have some sort of physical abnormality that he'd never seen before.
"What?!"
"I just... I just don't believe it. It's great that you're so devoted to your work, but I'm just surprised."
Brand groans and shakes his head.
"Just... take it easy alright? Don't work yourself too hard. Maybe read a book or something."
"Sure thing."
Brand takes a few steps to your door and you look back down to your work, realizing you missed another number. Continuing your notes, you fail to notice Brand stopping at the door to give you another concerned gaze before leaving.
This office is weird. It always has been.
Ever since you were offered the job in Ponyville, something has been strange about the events surrounding your journey here. For instance, all of a sudden, you got a cell phone. When the hell did Equestria have cell phones?
For real, this makes no sense.
Sure, they had electricity and normal phones, but this is a serious stretch. Actually, you also realized they have computers for the first time. Sure, they're expensive as all hell, so they aren't common, but why haven't these caught on? Lucky for you, everything happened to be very, very similar to Earth. In fact, living in Manehattan was the next closest thing to living in 1990's Earth that you could find.
Perhaps that's one of the reasons you actually like it here. With the exception of everyone here being a pony, life wasn't bad.
Then, your ears twitch at a familiar sound.
"What is it now, Fluttershy?" you say as a yellow mare with pink hair stands outside the door of your office.
"O-oh. Uhm. S-sorry. Was I too loud?" she asks.
"Not at all. Did you finish those TPS reports?"
"Yes sir. I even used the new-"
Then you notice another error in your work. Tuning out the pegasus, you go back to fixing your math before raising your gaze to her. She stares at you, silent.
"Oh. Uh. Thanks."
You take the papers from her and set them aside.
"That reminds me though, did you use the new cover sheets?"
Fluttershy's eyes grow wide and her head tilts.
"Uhm, Anon. I was just say-"
"We really need to make sure we use these new cover sheets on the TPS reports. Processing has a hell of a time trying to get everything filed away properly if we don't use them."
"Well, yes. I know, that's why I-"
"I really hope I don't see a debacle like last time where you missed the memo and didn't use the correct cover sheets."
Fluttershy closes her mouth, then stares at you. You can see a sort of twitch on her face as her body slowly relaxes and her neck croons.
"I used the new sheets, sir," she says quietly.
"Good! Happy to see that," you say, tossing the papers aside without a glance.
She notices the way you treat her work and her eyes look back towards the door.
"Now then, get started on next month's budget. The sooner the better. We don't want payroll jumping on us again for being 10 minutes late. I had a very nasty post-it note about the ordeal."
"R-right. S-sure."
Fluttershy takes a step away as you set your sights on an itinerary for a meeting in 15 minutes.
"Uhm, sir…"
Trying to suppress as sigh, you look back up to your needy assistant.
"Yes, Fluttershy?"
She looks back to the door, then straightens her posture. Fluttershy turns to you, her eyes focused and her face filled with conviction. She takes a deep breath then smiles.
"Would you like to-"
"I can't give you a raise."
"W-what?" she says.
"I can't do it. Our stock plummeted $5 this last month and-"
"No! No, Anon. This isn't business related?"
You click your tongue and fold your arms.
"Well then, I've got a meeting to prepare for. Hurry up."
Fluttershy blushes, then digs her hoof into the matted office carpet.
"W-would you maybe... like to go to dinner sometime?" she asks.
You lean back in your seat in surprise.
"Really? We haven't scheduled a business dinner with our customers in a long time! See to the arrangement right away. Good thinking-"
"No! I mean one-on-one. Together. As a date," she blurts out, her wings flaring out.
Her scowl pierces you before her eyes widen. Her face goes completely flush, then eyes the door, locked in place. She closes her mouth, then slowly contracts her wings.
"D-did I just say that out loud?" she asks.
"Uh. Yes."
"O-oh. U-uhm," she says, trying to straighten up. "Well. Um. Now that- W-well. Would…"
She opens her mouth, but nothing seeming even remotely close to words comes out of her mouth. Fluttershy looks up to you, her big, cyan eyes giving you a look of pleading desire.
"Why in the world would I do that?"
The words slash her like a knife to the throat. She remains frozen in place, looking down to the carpet to find some sort of answer to why she was standing here.
"Oh," she mutters.
Fluttershy looks up to you, trying to figure out why she was here to begin with.
"I. Um."
Fluttershy took one step, then two. Then Three. Then she was gone. Good, now you can finally prep for that meeting. Grabbing your meeting notes, you lean back in your chair and review your carefully chosen language for the big sales pitch. Then your phone rings.
"God damnit," you groan.
Picking up the phone, you continue to peruse the text.
"Anonymous."
"Hey, Anon. It’s Brand."
"What's up?"
"Is everything alright with your secretary?"
"I guess. I dunno. I'm not her babysitter. Why?"
"Well, she just galloped past my office crying."
"Well that-"
"Loudly."
You pause, processing what he's saying.
"Well, she did just ask me out on a date."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"Savage."
"Not really, I think I was quite gentle."
"You know... I think you should take the rest of the day off, Anon."
You lean forward in your seat.
"Uhh. Brand. You alright? We have the big sales pitch in thirty minutes."
"Yeah, I know. I got it. Just... go home. Rent a book or something. Something gentle or romantic or something."
"Why would I do that?"
"Just do it."
Groaning, you slam the phone and toss the notes on your desk.
"Man, this sucks."
You walk down a sidewalk of Manehattan towards your apartment. There was nothing worse than a day off. All you can do is think about work and never actually get anything done. Monday is the best day of the week, and no pony in Equestria can tell you differently.
However, if there's one thing you learned, it's that your boss and upper management always know what's right for the company. That's why everyone is under constant threat of a layoff notice. Productivity is always at a constant all time high. Not for you. You don't need the threat of a lost job to ensure that you do a good job. Which means you're never at risk. In fact, you're always sure to update the IT guys of the new Internet websites that ponies have been slacking off on.
It's all in a days work. But you just wish they had better rewards. You sigh as you cross the street.
"Now what am I going to do?"
You look up at the library just up ahead. It was just on the way to your home. Besides, maybe you can find some of those hilarious Ponybert comics. The last time you read one of those, you were in a fit of tears. That artist should win an award or something.
Heading up the steps of the library, you head inside and look around at the many shelves of literature. Of course there was all sorts of fiction, but who would want to waste their time on something fake? No, the real interesting works were over in the documentary section. You thumb through a few titles, and eventually decide on "The Middle Management Experience: A Test of Patience." You're sure that this book must be full of practical life lessons that could improve your standing at work.
Heading up to the counter, you hand the book to the mare.
"Oh, all ready to-"
The mare pauses, then stares at you.
"Uhh. Yeah," you respond.
The mare looks at you with wide emerald eyes and a gentle golden-brown mane. She wears a lime green hooded sweatshirt over her light tan fur. The fall-colored pony blushes then looks away.
"I, uhm. Do you have a library card?"
"Oh. No. I don't. Is that a problem?" you ask.
"Not at all! It just takes a few seconds."
The mare pulls out a small sheet of paper and pen, then hands it to you.
"All we need is a way to reach you, an email address, a normal address, phone number. You know. Simple stuff."
"Right…"
You scribble down your contact information then hand the paper back.
"Alright then... Hm. What an interesting name," she says quietly. "Do you plan on coming here often, Anonymous?"
"I dunno. Maybe. I'm not really much of a reader."
The mare smiles and begins laminating the paper card.
"Well, maybe I could suggest something to you," she says with a smile. "You'd be surprised what you might find if you take a page from somepony else's book."
She stares at you expectantly. You tilt your head.
"What?"
"Oh. Um. It was a pun. Er."
She looks down to the card, then hands you it as well as the book.
"The book is due back in two days."
"Thanks, Miss…"
"Autumn."
"Got it. Right. Thanks."
You turn and swiftly exit the library.
What a weird pony. What in the world is her problem? And who thinks puns are funny anymore anyway?
Opening the door to your apartment complex, you step inside and head towards the elevator. Pressing the button to call the elevator, you rub your forehead in frustration.
Man, today sucks.
First, you get hit on by your secretary. Then, another mare flirts with you at the library. What is the deal with ponies in this town? Normally you can ignore when they make passes at you, but your secretary literally moved towns to try and win your heart. It's just utterly ridiculous.
With a ding, the doors open and you step inside. Pressing the button for your floor, you lean against the wall of the elevator.
Mares are way too needy. It seems like every other moment you see one, either you get hit on, something bad happens, or you lose a ton of money. It's just not worth it.
What's the point of love? It's just a waste of time.
"I swear, the next mare I see, I'm going to straight up punch in the face."
The door dings and the elevator opens to a navy-blue mare with gentle brown hair. She looks down at the floor, hair cast over her face as if she were hiding herself from the world. You recognized her as your neighbor, the school teacher. Her apartment always kept you up at night because they wouldn't stop screaming at each other. She looks up to meet your gaze, and lightly smiles.
Well, you did say the next mare you see.
"Cut! Cut! Cut!"
Bells ring all across the set as you take a step back.
"What the fuck?" you mutter.
You turn to see two large high definition cameras focused directly on you in a cut out set of an elevator.
"Berry, get off the set before that human actually hurts you," calls a feminine voice.
"Oh my gosh, thank you! I was so scared."
Berry trots off to a table just to the side of the stage where Autumn stands, watching the scene unfold.
"What the hell is going on?"
"Well, it's simple. I had to intervene. I'm the director," says a voice from the other side of the camera.
The voice chose to step down from the camera, revealing herself to be none other than Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.
"And, well, let's be frank. You're doing a terrible job here."
"What?!" you scream.
"See, this is a Romance story. Didn't you see the tags?"
"What tags?"
"Oh, come on. We're 2430 words into this story already, and you're just now realizing that this is all an act?"
"What In the world are you talking about?"
Cadance groans as she green-hooded mare comes to join the conversation.
"Remember what I said about his method acting?" Autumn says.
"Ohh... right," Cadance says with a smile. "That alll makes sense."
"What are you talking about?"
"See, this story is called 'Office Love', not 'Office Love'. Nobody actually cares about seeing what the typical day-in, day-out of a real life office worker would be. How soul-draining and life sucking would that be?" Cadance asks.
"What do you mean? It's realistic," you suggest.
"It's not about realism. Well, I mean. Realism is a part of it. But, the point is for conflict. Drama. Likeable characters. Ponies with entrenched histories and back-stories that you care about."
You scoff and shake your head.
"There is literally no backstory here."
"Oh really? Then you don't care about the physically battered mare that you were about to punch in the face."
Mulberry grabs a sandwich from the rider on the side of the stage, then looks back to Cadance.
"This black eye make up really itches. When will we be done?" she asks.
"Just a minute. We need to get Fluttershy out of her trailer," Cadance calls back.
"Well, how was I supposed to know she was abused?!"
"You actually try to interact with the characters. I mean, sheesh. I get this is an improv acting project, but you just aren't taking anything. I mean, Autumn even threw you every bone in the book."
"I was really proud of that pun," she mentions under her breath.
"Puns are dumb."
"YOU'RE DUMB!" all three mares scream in unison.
"You know what. That's it. I don't want you on this project anymore. You're fired. Security!"
A diamond dog with golden-brown fur and a brownish mane enters the set wearing dark clothes and a hat with a badge.
"Uhh, what? How can you fire me from my own story?" you ask. "This is written in second person, you can't just-"
"Ruby, can you remove Anon from my story please? He's a terrible character," Cadance says.
"My pleasure," she says, cracking her knuckles.
Ruby grabs you by the cuff your shirt and pulls you towards the door.
"Wait! You can't do this to me! This will completely change the whole context of the story! You can't just change perspectives on a dime! Where are you going to find another Anon?!"
"We'll make due," Cadance says with a smile. "I'm sure we could find a cactus with more personality than you."
The door to the studio opens and Ruby drags you outside. The door closes, leaving Mulberry, Cadance, and Autumn in the studio together.
"Alright, so, how are we going to save this," Autumn asks.
Mulberry looks from Autumn to Cadance, then back to Fluttershy's trailer.
"Should somepony tell her? I mean, I'm pretty sure she took the role of lead actress just to get in his pants."
"Yeah, yeah. But you two are basically the stars of the story anyway... so I dunno. I'm at a loss for words," Cadance says, looking over the script.
The three mares hum, thinking to themselves.
"Oh! I got it. Get into places," Cadance says."
Mulberry rests her head gently on Autumns exposed chest as Autumn strokes her long brown mane.
"See how much easier things get once we remove men from the equation?" Autumn says sweetly to Mulberry.
"Y-yeah," Mulberry says breathily. "This is... fantastic."
Cadance keeps the film rolling, a smile curled on her face.
"This is good. Very good," she whispers to herself.
