Over His Dead Body

by QuickFics

Rating: mature
Tags: Dark, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Pinkie Pie
Length: 1271

Pinkie is afraid that she'll never be able to lick anypony's horn ever again...until a stranger inadvertently gives her permission. Sequel to "Unicorn Horns Are Made of Candy."

Just as Pinkie is about to give up hope of licking anypony's horn ever again, a stranger unintentionally gives her permission. So what if it's a technicality?

Honorable Mention for the WTF Award in ocalhoun's Big 250k Contest.

Published 2016-03-22 22:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-22 22:20:01 UTC

Sweet Release

Only a day had passed since the sweet revelation of unicorns’ most surprisingly kept secret, and Pinkie was already regretting her promise to Princess Celestia. She just had to have another lick, but she couldn’t risk getting turned to stone again. For all she knew, Celestia might leave her that way forever! Or at least until thousands of years from now, when she could break out of her prison and try to take over Equestria like Discord. Perhaps she should ask him how he'd managed to do that…

But she wasn’t sure where he was at the moment, so that would have to wait for another time. For now, she was on a mission. There had to be somepony who would be willing to let her lick his or her horn! And she would find that pony, even if she had to ask every unicorn in all of Ponyville – or all of Equestria, even! She’d start by asking her friends, of course.

“May I please lick your horn, just one little itsy bitsy time?” Pinkie asked Twilight.

“No,” Twilight said simply, barely even looking up from the book she was reading.

So Pinkie ran over to Rarity’s boutique to ask the same question…but received an even worse response – “Of course not, darling. Why would you want to go and do a thing like that?”

“You know why!” Pinkie shouted as she ran out of the boutique, feeling as though she was about to cry. “Marshmallow!” She spat this last word in an almost derogatory tone, causing Rarity to feel just a little bad for turning her down so completely. Would one lick have really done any harm?

But it was too late – Pinkie had already left. Weighing the possible outcomes of chasing after her and getting back to work, she ultimately returned to dress-making – she had a big order to fill and Pinkie would surely get over it soon. Right?

“Can I lick your horn?” Pinkie asked Lyra.

“No,” Lyra said, an uncomfortable expression on her face.

“Can I lick your horn?” Pinkie asked Sea Swirl.

“No!” Sea Swirl shouted, quickly walking away with her foal as soon as Pinkie had looked away.

“Can I lick your horn?” Pinkie asked Sweetie Belle.

“No…” Sweetie Belle said, and all three of the Cutie Mark Crusaders gave Pinkie odd looks.

“How about…yours?” Pinkie asked a random unicorn stallion who happened to be walking down the street. He must be from out of town, because she knew everypony, but she had never even seen him before. That also meant that she hadn’t tasted his horn before…

“How about my what?” the unicorn asked in confusion. He was orange with a yellow mane and an alligator cutie mark.

“May I please lick your horn?” Pinkie asked, getting right up in his face with wide eyes. Please say yes, she thought. Oh, please, Celestia, say yes…

The stallion backed away in disgust. “Over my dead body!” he exclaimed, and trotted away in a huff.

Pinkie was crushed. She had really been sure that this random unicorn that she had never met before would be the one. It felt almost like being turned down by a Very Special Somepony on Hearts and Hooves Day – the feeling was just that painful. Pinkie collapsed on the ground and cried, now sure that no pony would ever give her permission to lick his or her horn, even if she really did search all of Equestria!

But then she realized something. What exactly had the stallion said? Over my dead body! That…wasn’t technically a “no,” was it? Sure, the implication was there, but semantically, she might actually be in the clear if she just…

No, she could never do that. She was a nice pony, and nice ponies didn’t do that to other ponies, did they? But unicorn horns just tasted so good, and if she didn’t try his horn, then she would never even get to know what flavor it was! Making up her mind, she ran in the direction that he had headed toward – hopefully she could still catch up!

And she did. Just as she was close to giving up hope of finding him again, she spotted him at the edge of a small crowd gathered near a small caravan that seemed to have been set up recently.

“Witness the Great and Powerful Trixie as she performs…” Pinkie didn’t really pay attention to the rest – she was too focused on her quarry to care about Trixie’s show, though she did wonder why Trixie had even come back to Ponyville in the first place. Regardless of the reason, Pinkie would be sure to ask to lick her horn later. But first, she had to catch up with Alligator-Butt over there…who had just spotted her!

Rushing away as quickly as he could, the stallion tried to escape Pinkie’s relentless pursuit. Weaving in and out of crowds and market stalls, he finally had to stop to catch his breath in an alleyway. He didn’t see Pinkie anywhere, so for a moment, he thought that he had lost her. But it was not to be.

“Hi!” Pinkie shouted happily, turning around the corner as the stallion backed away…into a dead end. Well, might as well get this over with, he thought. He closed his eyes and braced himself to have his horn licked. Hopefully the sensation wouldn’t be too uncomfortable…

Meanwhile, Pinkie walked over to the box where she had placed an old, rusty knife some time ago (just in case there might ever be a rusty knife emergency) and took out the implement. Despite its condition, it was very sharp, and it should do the trick nicely.

The stallion was still waiting with his eyes closed. “Come on, if you’re going to do it, then do it already!” he said. After a few more moments of waiting, he finally opened his eyes to see what was going on…just as the knife plunged into his chest. “Ah…uh…” he croaked, unable to say much of anything due to his newly punctured lung. Blood began to seep from his mouth as he collapsed to the ground.

Pinkie bent down and prepared to lick the stallion’s horn. Come on, hurry up! she thought. He was still stubbornly clinging to some small spark of life even as his eyes began to glaze over. She couldn’t take it anymore – she needed to try it now! So she took the knife and stabbed the stallion several more times for good measure, then slit both his belly and his throat. As his intestines sagged from the gash in his stomach, she swung the knife as hard as she could and sliced through his neck, cutting his head clean off.

Now it seemed safe to assume that he was dead, but just to be sure, she checked for a pulse. After a few moments, it was clear that there was none – he was finally dead! And what did that mean?

It meant that she had permission to lick his horn, of course! “Over his dead body,” he had said, and she had obliged. And so she picked up the stallion’s decapitated head and slowly, almost ceremoniously, brought his horn to her lips. She stretched out her tongue and…

Oranges. She hated oranges! Throwing the head away in disgust, she wondered what she was supposed to do now. Come to think of it, did a dead pony even need to give permission? She had a few ponies in mind who hadn’t been very nice to her today…

The End