"My my, would ya look at that hunk?" said Apple Bloom with heart-shaped eyes.
"Holy crap what is wrong with your eyes?" replied Scootaloo as she struggled not to vomit at the sight.
Apple Bloom ignored Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle who was also there, in order to ogle her desired mate. His mane was so filthy and unkempt that it made her swoon, his eyes so crooked and lifeless that she wanted to get lost in them. He had a strong jaw, completely contrasting his vaguely feminine face, his creepy, spindly goblin limbs perfectly complementing his repulsive gut.
"That Boy Zone, what a guy," sighed Apple Bloom, "but he'd never go for a rugged country gal like myself. Also I'm six and he's twenty."
"Well," interjected Scootaloo, "maybe he's one of those pedophiles I've been hearing so much about, wouldn't be the first time one of us made it with an adult, right Sweetie Belle?"
In response, Sweetie Belle widened her eyes and began to shake as the memories of being kidnapped, tied up and molested flashed before her eyes.
"Lucky bitch," mumbled Scootaloo under her breath.
Disregarding Sweetie Belle's childhood trauma, Apple Bloom decided to drag both of her friends to the Cutie Mark Crusaders Headquarters.
"Alright girls," cried Apple Bloom from behind a makeshift podium, "I want to get together with Boy Zone, he's absolutely the most handsome stallion in all of Equestria, and I need him inside me."
Apple Bloom made her way over to a projector, and turned it on. After it finished warming up, a large diagram appeared on the far wall opposite of the projector itself.
"This is how we're going to get me my boyfriend."
"When did you get a projector?"
"Our plan will be called 'The Plan to Get Apple Bloom Some Pedo Horsecock and Ultimately Help Her Lose Her Virginity' or T.P.G.A.B.S.P.H.U.H.H.L.H.V. for short."
Scootaloo nodded half-heartedly, and Sweetie Bells continued to suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. Apple Bloom seemed pleased with that response, because she held up a sign that said "I am reasonably pleased by that response."
"Well, I need to go get some supplies," said Apple Bloom.
"You probably should've got them when you were out buying the projector, which I'm honestly curious about. How did you even afford it? You're a child, and you don't come from a wealthy family," inquired Scootaloo the Vigilant.
"Best not to focus on that my friend, I'm going out for supplies, please spy on Boy Zone while I'm busy."
With that, Apple Bloom turned and headed towards the door.
"Wait!" cried Sweetie Belle as she gingerly walked over to Apple Bloom, placing her hoof upon the young farmer's shoulder, "Apple Bloom please, I know you think you want this, but think about it. There's a reason pedophilia is illegal in Equestria; it's disgusting, it's evil. The kind of psychological and physical damage you could suffer is one from which you may never recover. I, as your friend, must inform you that if you go through with this, your mind may be shattered, and your cunt may be ripped."
In response to Sweetie Belle's incessant nagging, Apple Bloom did her best impression of Rarity's parents, and beat Sweetie Belle without mercy, literally smacking the white off that bitch. Sweetie Belle, now black, had been reduced to a sobbing heal at the hooves of her best friend.
"I'm going now," said Apple Bloom as she walked out the door.
It occurs to me that if I want to win a horse pedophilia contest, and sin money from horse pedophiles, I should probably stop making fun of them, and start kissing their ass, that said, I like to think I still captured the original spirit of the story I was going for.
AppleBloom walked over to Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle while both were behind a bush, her supple, fuckable ass waggling about with every step. Her friend Scootaloo greeted her with a very tsundere expression, which was REAL fucking hot. Sweetie Belle on the other hand seemed dedicated to making herself as small and insignificant as possible. To be Frank, this was the perfect potential pedophilic four way in Ponyville.
"So, what'd he do while y'all were watchin' him?" Asked Apple Bloom eagerly.
"Well Apple Bloom, he didn't do much, but he did do something rather incriminating involving underage horses," replied Scootaloo.
Apple Bloom's ears perked up.
"Ya mean?"
"Yup, when nobody was looking he whipped out some Foalcon and started jacking off furiously. His dick was huge too, he had to have been packing at least five and a half inches."
"That's enormous," said Apple Bloom, proving herself to be much smarter than my ex-girlfriend. I don't care how big they are in Congo Katherine, five and a half inches is big.
"So I probably should've asked back at the treehouse, but what exactly is your master plan here?"
"Well I intend to make myself known to him in a very provocative way." With that, Apple Bloom walked towards Boy Zone, her lady parts trembling more and more as she got closer to him.
"Hey Boy Zone, I know you're a pedophile, let's go out on a date."
"Uh okay." Replied Boy Zone eloquently.
And so Apple Bloom dragged Boy Zone off to the hippest eatery in town: PedoBurger.
"Why does my store only get pedophile customers?" Said Pedo Burger Server, the owner of PedoBurger, "and why are some of our names so directly related to our occupation?"
Apple Bloom and Boy Zone Sat at their table and ordered their food before turning to talk to each other. Unfortunately, neither could think of anything to say, so they sat in silence for like ten minutes before Apple Bloom broke the silence.
"Sooo, you like to have sex with children, huh?" Asked Apple Bloom stupidbitchedly.
"Yes." Replied Boy Zone disgustingpedophilicly.
"What exactly do you find so sexy about us?"
"You're soft."
Apple Bloom blushed, feeling thoroughly romanced in the face of Boy Zone's unending pool of pure charisma and charm. She could feel her heart beating faster as one of her date's lifeless eyes driften in her direction, catching the reflection of light from the sweat on his pencil thin moustache.
Apple Bloom just knew now was the perfect time to go for the kill, so she leaned forward for a kiss, only to have the waitress show up with their food, holy shit I still have like three hundred words to go? I've exhausted this whole thing, I'm high as fuck, and this story hasn't been funny since the second page break. 1500 words is too much.
Boy Zone clumsily munched away at his food in silence for the remainder of the day, failing to respond to anything Apple Bloom said the whole time, as though he had gotten mentally ill at some point in the night. Eventually, after both had finished eating, Apple Bloom decided they should call it a day, and the date was mercifully ended.
On the walk home, Apple Bloom stared forlornly at the public park across the street, which was crowded with successful pedophile-child relations, even Sweetie Belle had found another partner.
At the Apple farm, Apple Bloom begrudgingly trudged up the steps as she stared at her own hooves, until she bumped into something at the top. Apple Bloom looked up to see, gasp, Boy Zone.
"I had a great time tonight." He said as he bent down to kiss her. Apple Bloom ecstatically returned the favor, mashing her mouth into her new boyfriend's face.
"What're you doin' ta my little Apple Bloom," came a booming voice from behind.
Apple Bloom and Boy Zone turned to see a fuming mad Big Macintosh brandishing a pitchfork.
Apple Bloom released another passionate kiss from Boy Zone, pulling her tongue out of his mouth and marveling at the strand of saliva the connected her mouth to his as it slowly sagged down and eventually broke.
"By Boy Zone, I had a great time today, can't wait to see you again," said Apple Bloom happily as she walked away from her new lover, "sorry my brother killed you and put your head on a pole."
And they all lived happily ever after, the end.
