A Linear Progression of Events
"We're finally here, girls! The registration line!" The line stretched out before us, exactly like I remembered from my childhood. Well, not exactly, because I was almost two hoofs taller now and could see above some ponies' shoulders, but almost exactly like my childhood.
Behind me stood three of my best friends in the entire world. Fluttershy, who wasn't doing anything strange at the moment. Pinkie Pie, doing something with a candycane straw I couldn't make out. And Rainbow Dash, hovering behind Pinkie, who -
"Ugh, are we close yet? When are we going to be inside?"
- who clearly couldn't wait to see LineCon. I'd asked the others to come, but they had their reasons for being unable to attend. Applejack had money to work for, and bits were circular, so you weren't going to find any at LineCon. Rarity was vehemently opposed to one-dimensional geometry. ("It crushes the creative spirit, darling!")
Spike had just started screaming when I mentioned the Con. Hopefully, he'd stopped by now, or I was going to have to deal with noise complaints when I got back.
"Rainbow Dash, we'll be in soon. Just enjoy the registration line in the meantime."
Rainbow stared at me, looking maybe... possibly... unhappy. Was she unhappy? Was this going to be another incident like the one with Shining Armor, where I'd only learn at the end that she had hated the Con all along?
No! I couldn't let that happen, not now that I was Princess of Friendship.
What had Shining Armor told me about the time he came with me? He said there was something that had kept him sane the whole time, but what was it?
Oh, right.
"Rainbow Dash, how about you keep a log of your time in line with us?" I levitated a book to Rainbow Dash, who looked at it for a second and shook her head.
"Seriously, Twilight? You want to solve my boredom by writing?"
I rolled my eyes. "Rainbow, you eventually enjoyed the book series I recommended. If you liked reading so much after thinking you'd hate it, maybe you'll like writing too."
"Uh, well -"
"Besides, my brother was the one who used to keep logs like this at cons, and he's not an egghead at all. He's an athletic pony who's awesome at beating up monsters, just like you."
Rainbow Dash grabbed the book with one of her wings. "Fine, I'll try this out. Can't be that bad..."
* * *
Convention Log, Day 1, Entry 1: 7:00am
I feel the fur on my face withering away. My bone is calculus-ifying, turning into a dinosaur. The clock strikes again. I haven't gotten to use my "You're out of line!" line on an attacking monster yet.
Existence is brutal, meaningless, and short. This is something I had not doubted in the past. But now I see the fault in even that assumption, which is that existence is short. Existence is the longest crime known to ponykind.
Moments stretch to years, years to eons, eons to eternity. I am become Time, destroyer of worlds, who watches itself unfurl in a single direction, always moving one way, unmastered by any except itself.
And a couple of unicorns, I guess.
These have been the longest thirty seconds of my life.
* * *
Well, that was one problem solved. Princess of Friendship 1, shenanigans 0.
I glance again at Fluttershy, who still seemed fine, and at Pinkie Pie, who'd turned her straw into a extremely thin rectangle. No friendship problems surfacing there.
That meant I could spend my time talking to the stallion in front of me, who was probably a fascinating and unique person with amazing insights.
I prodded the pony. "Hello!"
He turned to look at me. "Hello."
"I'm Twilight", I said, inviting him to introduce himself as well.
"Okay." He didn't say anything after that.
Oh, horseapples. This wasn't working. "So, do you come here often?"
"No."
"Oh? So this is your first time?"
"No. I don't come here often because this only happens once a year."
Oh, probably not the best question. "So, what are your hobbies?"
"Lines."
"Well, of course, but anything else?"
He paused for a minute, to consider. "Nope."
The stallion reminded me of someone.
Who, though?
Who?
Hmm...
Oh, right! Maud. So I just had to use the friendship lesson I learned from her visit to Ponyville.
"So, we don't have a lot in common, but we do have something. The thing that makes us click and creates a special bond between us is how much we all love Pinkie Pie!"
The stallion stared at me for exactly eleven seconds, and then turned around.
The next few hours were spent in uncomfortable silence and wishing that I could get out of the registration line.
* * *
At the door, our group ran into our next problem.
"Nope, I can't let you in, Miss", the doorstallion said to Rainbow Dash. "You're not in line."
"What? I'm totally in line. I mean, I'm after Pinkie and before the weirdo behind me, aren't I?", Rainbow Dash growled, ignoring the "Hey!" from the weirdo behind her. "I'm in front of you right now. There's no way I'm not in this line."
The doorpony bravely ignored Dash's rage. "Ma'am, lines have width, or height, or length. You're claiming to be in a line that stretches lengthwise behind you, but you have height right now."
"Wait, are you saying I'm not allowed in for flying, you racist?"
"Wait, Twilight, is this a racist convention?" Pinkie asked. "Are we unicorn supremacists?"
Fluttershy answered before I could. "Um, Pinkie, neither of us are unicorns."
"Aw, darn. I've always wondered what unicorn horns taste like."
I took a moment to scrub that vision out of my head before talking to the doorpony. "Look, she can still come in, right? There's no harm done if she does."
The doorpony didn't budge at the sight of an annoyed Princess. "This center is reserved for LineCon guests only for the next three days."
"Eh, never mind, Twilight", Rainbow Dash said. "I'll go someplace that isn't racist and finish writing my book or whatever. You guys have fun at the Con."
* * *
The three of us were waiting in the guest rooms line, and something was bugging me. There were two elevators, but only one line. Wasn't there a faster way to do this?
Maybe have a first-floor line, and then a second-floor line, and then a third-floor line, and so on? The main reason the line took so long was the time in between floors, so if you had all the people who'd get to their floor quickly go first, you'd reduce the overall time consumed.
Yes, that was brilliant! I had to share my idea with a fellow line enthusiast.
Thankfully, the mare in front of me was not the stallion I had shared an awkward moment with earlier - he had gone to see the men's room line.
Less thankfully, she reacted to my plan by screaming and fainting.
"Oh no!" Fluttershy went up to the mare, checking for a pulse. "No healthy pony should faint at things they imagine, not even if they're really frightening; I know that personally. If she's really fainted, she might have some sort of medical condition. She could be in serious danger."
The colt in front of that mare glared at Fluttershy. "Are you kidding me? You just skipped."
"Well, I, um -"
"It's fine", I said, "it's okay if she skips me and Pinkie". That just seemed to make the colt madder.
"No! No, it's not fine! You've destroyed the very thing that the Con is built on. It's a gathering of enthusiasts from all over, with only one thing uniting them - their love of lines." He turned to Fluttershy. "And you ruined it, you - you - BUTTFACE!"
Fluttershy started sobbing. The colt looked even angrier at the sight of Fluttershy crying, presumably because her tears were curved by gravity and not falling straight down. The fainted mare stayed on the ground, still unconscious and without medical attention.
I teleported the mare away, and then Fluttershy for good measure. She'd make sure the poor lady got some medical attention, and I wasn't sure how much she'd enjoy the rest of the Con anyway after being yelled at.
* * *
Well, at least one of my best friends in the world was still here and enjoying herself. Pinkie Pie was in front of me in the breakfast line, talking my ear off about how calculus played a role in party planning.
The line shifted forward, and Pinkie Pie bounced ahead.
Bouncing was a lot like skipping.
Oh, poop.
Sure enough, a unicorn wearing an organizer badge teleported between us a moment later. "Ma'am, you just skipped. That's unacceptable behavior at LineCon. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
"What? No way, Jose, I did not skip. I pronked."
"Excuses like that don't mean anythi -"
"I'll show you! Show me the rulebook. I'll show you the exact rule that says I can pronk." Pinkie glanced at me, at the sound of my stomach rumbling. "Actually, teleport me to the organizer's office. I'll show you there. Let's not hold ponies up."
In a flash, they were gone, and I was alone at what was once the favorite event of my childhood. It felt surprisingly empty now.
* * *
I sat in the only row of seats for the Line King panel. The creative director was talking about how, in an obvious progression of the plot, Mufasa's evil twin killed Simba and then killed him again in Hades.
Huh, I hadn't remembered any evil twins in the last movie. Maybe I'd been out of the fandom for a bit too long.
"So girls, what do you -" I started, before remembering that my friends weren't here.
Maybe the next panel would be more enjoyable.
* * *
Whose Line Is It Anyway. A convention classic. At least that would still be entertaining.
* * *
Okay, Whose Line Is It Anyway was actually kind of boring. I had heard everything they were talking about before, and most of what they were doing was having ponies shouting "Nuh-uh!" and "Yuh-uh!" at each other anyway.
Maybe the other events would be better.
* * *
Line dancing was terrible (Fluttershy could have done better), none of the one-liners were good (Pinkie could have done much better), and even the bathroom lines weren't exciting (it would have been funny to watch Rainbow in one, though).
There was no point in staying.
I exited the building quickly - nopony else was in the exit line yet.
* * *
Two days later...
Pinkie's head popped out of my bowl of ice cream, and then the rest of her body followed. I politely ignored the fact that that shouldn't have been possible, since she was clearly being polite and ignoring the fact that my spoon was poking her in her eyeball.
"Oh, boy, Twilight, that was the most funnerific LineCon ever! It was... it was... linerific!"
I took a moment to process that. "Wait, you enjoyed LineCon? But you got held up by an organizer!"
"Well, I did for a little while, and then it turns out that pronking is legally allowed anywhere in Canterlot because of a thing that Princess Cadence said a decade ago, and then I got out of the office a whole day after because there was a line, and then I went and checked out the one-liners and the men's bathroom lines and did you know how they have three men's bathrooms now and I'm not even sure what a men is and when I got out I saw Dashie was on her book tour and what's wrong Twilight?"
I slumped. Of course Pinkie Pie could see right through me. "Pinkie, I didn't enjoy LineCon. Nothing there was fun. Maybe... maybe I'm just seeing lines through the lense of childhood nostalgia. Maybe I'm not a fan of lines anymore. Maybe they were never that great to begin with."
"Hmm...", Pinkie rubbed her chin. "Nope!"
"What do you mean, 'Nope'?", I asked, staring at Pinkie.
"I mean, 'Nope', silly filly. I mean, come on, Twilight. You're the one of the most lineiest ponies I know. Are you really telling me that you don't see the subtle beauty of Unikstra's Algorithm? That you can't feel joy when you know whether to use a stack or a queue-", Pinkie pronounced that word 'kwewe', "for a checklist? That you can't excitedly identify where the horizontal bar should be in proper kerning for Deervanagari script?"
I could certainly relate to everything she was talking about, and the lesson here dawned on me. "Oh, this is the sentimental value lesson that we did when we were selling my books, right? Even if I've grown past LineCon, it still has value to m-"
Pinkie Pie smacked me with the spoon that was in her eye a moment ago. "No, Twilight, no! That's not it! There's an entirely different lesson here. You like friendship more than lines, but you like lines, even though you don't like lines without friendship!"
"So... I have a new hobby, and I like the new hobby more than I like my old hobby, but that doesn't mean I don't like my old hobby anymore?" I digested that for a second. "Oh, I think I see what you're trying to say. I was more obsessed with lines in the past than I am now. That doesn't mean they were never good or that I don't like them anymore, even if that same level of intense devotion isn't there anymore."
Pinkie nodded, satisfied, and I drew her into a hug. "Thank you, Pinkie, for helping me through that. Although... I have to ask, how do you know so much about lines?"
Pinkie rolled her eyes. "Psssh. Pssssssssh. Pssssssssssssshhhhhhhh. Come on, Twilight, I go to LineCon all the time. My sister is obsessed with it."
"Maud?"
"Nope. Linestone!"
Author's Note
The sort of Equestria where LineCon exists is the sort of Equestria that's a little surreal.