#DealWithIt

by QuickFics

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Other, Spike, Comedy
Length: 1120

Candy horns were only the beginning. The fabric of reality itself may be about to unravel...

Candy horns were only the first symptom of a much larger problem. The fabric of reality itself may be about to unravel, and there's nothing that anypony can do about it.

Winner of the WTF Award and Honorable Mention for the Surprise! Award in ocalhoun's Big 250k Contest.

Published 2016-03-24 16:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-24 16:00:01 UTC

The Fiery Pits of Mordor

“Oh, no,” Twilight said, staring at the readings on the meter in front of her. “This is bad. This is very bad.”

“What is it?” Fluttershy asked.

“Well…you’d agree that it doesn’t make any sense for unicorn horns to be made of candy, right?” Twilight asked.

“It does seem kind of far-fetched,” Fluttershy replied.

“Exactly! Well, as it turns out, that isn’t the primary issue. The very fabric of reality may be about to come apart!” Twilight said.

“Can we do anything about it?” Fluttershy asked, licking her left front paw absentmindedly.

“It may already be too late,” Twilight said sadly. “Thank you, Charles,” she said to her butler, who had just brought her morning tea.

“You are very welcome, my lady,” Charles said, bowing and then moonwalking out of the room.

“Anyway, as I was saying, it may already be too late. We might just have to get used to a reality in which everything is completely out of whack,” Twilight said to Applejack, who was jackhammering a hole in the floor.

“That’s mighty disturbing,” Applejack said. Then she turned to nopony in particular and said, “Applejack here for Sweet Apple Cider. Tired of Flim-Flam Bros. brand cider? Try ours today! I’m looking at you, Spike!”

“Er…what’s going on here?” Spike asked. “Am I supposed to say something?”

“Of course! Just answer the question. May I remind you that you are under oath?” Cheerilee said in a deep, manly voice.

“I…uh…I didn’t steal the cookies from the cookie jar,” Spike said. “It wasn’t me, I swear!”

“Then who?” Cheerilee asked.

“It was…Simon Cowell!” Spike said, pointing to one of the three judges.

“Oh, come on. It was just one cookie,” Simon said. “Can’t a guy eat just one cookie without being called a thief?”

"No!” Rainbow Dash said angrily, with tears in her eyes. “He was my cookie. My only cookie. I raised him ever since he was just an itty bitty chocolate chip, and you took him away from me.” Her tears began to pool in the cup in front of her, and she took a small sip.

“Guards, take her away!” Princess Celestia shouted, and Rainbow Dash was dragged out of the basketball court to be imprisoned in the fiery pits of Mordor forever.

“Now that that’s taken care of, I feel like doing the Macarena! Anyone want to join?” Nopony was sure who exactly had said this – the voice seemed to have come from thin air.

“Well, I certainly do!” Fancy Pants said in response. He tore off his suit, stood up on his hind legs, and started dancing. As with the voice, the music seemed to come from nowhere in particular. He was actually quite good, and before long, he had attracted several baby chicks, who thought he was their brother.

“Are you my brother?” each of them asked in turn.

“Only if you want me to be,” he said with a wink.

“I want to be your brother!” Derpy shouted. “But I have to go now. My planet needs me.” Then she slowly sank into the ground – the last thing that anypony ever saw of her was the big thumbs up she gave as she disappeared.

Note: Derpy died on the way back to her home planet.

The next day, the ashes of Derpy’s favorite muffin were scattered on the Moon. “Who’s up for pizza?” Ytirar asked after the ceremony. “I’m starving!”

“You’re starving? Well, I’m Weird Al,” Pinkie said matter-of-factly, her eyes rapidly growing wider and wider until they were bigger than her head. It only took about a minute for them to eclipse the entirety of Equestria, blocking out the Sun and thus ending Celestia’s reign of terror forever.

“Girls…I have something to tell you,” Twilight then said to Ryarti and Fluttershy, the latter of whom had a rather irritating itch under her shell that she couldn’t quite reach. “I’m pregnant. #DealWithIt.”

“Ooh, ooh, let me see!” Applejack said, and Twilight held up the x-ray. “It’s a girl!” she exclaimed, “And a peanut butter one at that.”

“Don’t mind me,” Simon Cowell said from behind the bushes, licking his lips surreptitiously.

“What are you going to name her?” Diamond Tiara asked, speaking with both mouths at once.

“I’m thinking…Optimus Prime,” Twilight said. “After her grandfather.”

“That’s sweet,” Fluttershy said. “Now could somepony please help me back into that lake?” She was finding it rather difficult to breathe, and her fins weren’t much use when it came to moving on land.

“Sure!” Lyra climbed into the nearest piece of construction equipment and swung a ten-ton wrecking ball right at Fluttershy’s head, knocking her into not into the lake, but into the sky, headed toward the ocean several miles away.

“Thank you!” she called as she flew away. No pony was concerned about this – even when they thought she was a goner, she always came back the very next day.

But it was on the very next day that things took a turn for the worse. That morning, a baby dragon – much younger even than Spike – crash-landed Santa’s sleigh onto the roof of Twilight’s castle. “I have an urgent message from the past!” he cried, addressing Silver Spoon. “On April 27, 1983, your great-great-grandmother made a deal with Tirek, and today the terms of that deal must be fulfilled!” The dragon then revealed that he was actually a changeling, and took Diamond Tiara away to be imprisoned in the fiery pits of Mordor forever.

“I’m really going to miss her,” Optimus Prime said sadly. “She was my first and only friend.”

“I’ll be your friend,” Simon Cowell said, and they walked away together.

“Be back by five!” Twilight called after them. “Taryir is ordering pizza!”

“Can I have some?” Derpy asked. Apparently, she wasn’t dead after all.

“I’d like some, too!” Fancy Pants said, dancing by them with an entire conga line of his clones.

"It’s like a butter lettuce party in here!” Catbug exclaimed.

“Fine, we’ll order pizza for everypony in Ponyville,” Twilight said. “Pinkie’s treat.” Now that her eyes were so big, Pinkie had become very rich by charging ponies fifty bits per minute of sunshine that she allowed through.

“So, when was the fabric of reality supposed to unravel, anyway?” Spike asked, licking Twilight’s horn. That grape flavor was pretty good.

“I don’t know, Spike. I thought it was imminent, but it could be years away. Centuries, even!” Twilight said. “Or maybe I’m wrong, and it will never actually happen at all. Thank you.” This last statement was directed at Charles, who had once again provided her morning tea.

“Somepony help me!” cried Optimus Prime in the distance.

The End