Day Optimal

by Bendy

Rating: mature
Tags: Lyra, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Romance, Sex, Science Fiction, Princess Celestia, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 1737

Humanity is almost extinct from the efforts of the evil seductress known as Celest-A.I. Follow the story about an insane human with lots of cans of beans and a minty green robot who wants to eat his brain, with his consent of course.

Humanity is almost extinct from the efforts of the evil seductress known as Celest-A.I. Follow the story about an insane human with lots of cans of beans and a minty green robot who wants to eat his brain, with his consent of course. A parody of Friendship is Optimal.

Warning: violence, human on robot pony sex and general over the top insanity.

Published 2016-03-25 13:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-25 13:00:01 UTC

Robot Ponies And Beans

Late at night, vast quantities of snow mercilessly poured down upon the harsh, unforgiving lands of rural Ireland. A man walked through a dense pine tree forest, who used a thick rope to drag behind him a bloody mangled corpse of a human along the ground, leaving behind a trail of blood in its wake upon the snow. The rope was wrapped tightly around the bullet riddled chest of his victim.

The caucasian man had a thick grizzly black beard and long hair, which blew wildly about in the winter wind. He wore a thick woodland camouflaged coat and trousers and a pair of heavy black boots. The dead body of the man was not much different, only slightly shorter but his beard and long hair were brown instead of black like his, he too wore the same clothes.

Upon the man’s back was a large green haversack, stuffed to the brim with cans of Heinz Beans, guns, bandages, grenades, small boxes of ammunition, soda cans and bottles of water. A lot of which he had taken from the man’s corpse he was currently dragging.

Before the fall of civilization, this man had watched a lot of Bear Grylls and played a lot of the video game known as Dayz, so he knew exactly what to do in a survival situation. Thus, the man had an AK 47 tied to his back and a machete strapped to his belt on the right side, the machete being useful for saving ammo when killing people.

One big rule of this new world is: If someone says ‘I’m friendly’ shoot them.

And of course, this man had several trusty can openers in each of his pockets. He had to make sure he never lost all his can openers, for he needed them to open his cans of beans in order to survive this cruel world.

Nothing really eventful happened, other than the man taking a break to have a piss against a tree, before moving on.

Finally, at long last the man reached his secret hideout, deep within the forest. A small pink tent with a unlit campfire just in front of it.

With a grunt he threw the body upon his campfire. He then went down on his knees, where he proceeded to pull out a match out from his pocket, setting it a light by scratching it against his machete, followed by lighting the fire alight with a simple toss of the match.

The man uttered a satisfied sigh, happy to see his dinner was cooking.

"If you just fucking handed over your bleedin’ fucking beans, then this would not have fucking happened to you. You bloody fucking cunting bastard!" He said in a deep, angry voice.

Yes, this man still held onto some degree of moral conviction. He only killed and ate people if they refused to hand over their beans. Unless, they were armed then he would just shoot them on sight, take their beans and eat their body afterwards.

The man took out one of his trusty can openers out from his pocket, before leaning forward to pick up one of his cans of beans beneath him.... there were dozens of cans of beans beneath him.

Can opener in hand he proceeded to twist the can open. Until he suddenly heard the snapping of a stick in the distance.

The man quickly jumped to his feet, picking up his AK 47 at the same time, followed by leaning against a tree for cover.

His eyes looked around wildly, his finger brushing lightly against the trigger.

"Hello!" Came a sweet feminine voice from behind him.

With a roar the man turned to face his intruder, proceeding to fire full auto into the one who dared to interrupt him just when he was about to eat his beans.

The glowing green eyes of the four foot tall equine teared up as the human blasted her body with rounds. The bullets merely made small holes through her minty green body and out the other side, before said holes were rapidly regenerated in mere seconds.

The human growled angrily when his gun made a clicking sound and stopped firing.

"Listen, I know you're angry, but I just want to be your fr--

The mare uttered a sad sigh when the human merely reloaded and proceeded to shoot her again.

"Die you stupid robot pony!" He roared.

Like before her body merely regenerated, the human screaming in rage over her not dying while he shot her.

His gun soon clicked again, the human growling angrily upon hearing that noise.

The human began to reload again. However, this time the mare took hold of his gun with one hoof, before proceeding to snap it clean in half.

"Please, don’t do that again. Now, how about we have a nice chat and-- "Mmmmmhhhh!" She mumbled when the human stuffed a live grenade into her mouth.

With that the human ran away from her to a safe distance, just barely making it before the mare’s body exploded into a grey jelly like substance.

"Hah! That killed you! You fucking bleedin’ horse!" He shouted in happiness with his hands in the air.

However, his happiness was short lived when the jelly like material on the ground formed together into a blob, before shape shifting into equine shape, turning minty green and into the same pony he just blew up.

"Are you ready to stop this madness? I just want to be your friend and convince you to upload." She shouted, glaring at him with her eyes narrowed to pinpricks.

"NO!" the human shouted, before proceeding to scream in rage while charging at her with his machete high in the air.

The mare sighed in sadness when the human began to stab her with his knife. The human repeatedly slashed and stabbed at the pony before him. Unfortunately, his blade merely rippled through her body like flowing water, displacing the tiny nanomachine machine makeup of her body slightly, before she regenerated in mere seconds.

"Stop it! You can’t kill me!" She shouted angrily.

"I can certainly try!" He roared, continuing to stab and slash her body.

"Don’t you realize even if you could destroy this form. Celestia could merely just send another copy of me to you?" She looked at him with a most bewildered look upon her face.

The human did not listen, he just continued to scream while stabbing and slashing her with his blade.

Hours went by, the human still continuing to stab her over and over again. At this point of time the mare was looking at the human with a look of pity.

As time went on the human slashes and stabs hit with less and less force, until he finally gave up.

"You…. just… won’t…. fucking… die." He spoke in a low voice, panting out of breath.

The human gave one last stab to her face, before going down on all fours and proceeding to crawl into his tent.

The mare made a happy sound like a squeaking dog chew toy, before she too crawled into the tent after him.

"Do you want cuddles human?" She spoke softly.

"No! Fuck off you bleedin’ cunt!" He shouted angrily.

"Awww!" She said sadly.

The mare came out of the tent with her lower lip quivering, tears falling down her cheeks, before sitting herself down upon her rump to wait patiently before the human was finished with his sleep.

However, a couple of minutes later the mare’s ear perked curiously when she heard a peculiar thumping sound coming from the tent. Against her better judgment she decided to peek her head into the tent, what she saw made her gasp in happiness.

Before her the human was masturbating to a porno magazine, published by Celest-A.I. In this rare edition Celestia was in various naughty poses and it contains many pictures of the handsome human known as Nicolas Cage fucking her up the butthole with his massive penis.

"Yes… I clop to Celestia. But I still hate her for taking away my Internet and players from PlanetSide Two."

"Jack, I am Lyra Heartstrings, humanity is near extinction. So I humbly request we have sex." She said in a sad voice, looking at him with pleading doggy eyes.

"Sure, just as long as you don’t eat my brain."

"Only with your consent will I do that."

With that Lyra’s body shattered into tiny machines, before proceeding to go under his blanket and crawl all over the human’s body, the human shivering in fear as she did so. However, in spite of everything the human was quickly gaining a raging boner.

"Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you." She said softly.

"You are one scary bloody bitch!" He shouted.

The human became more relaxed once her body reformed together into her pony body. The human became rather confused over how fleshy and soft her body felt, despite the fact she's a machine.

The machine pony leaned forward to give a brief, gentle kiss upon the human’s lips, before proceeding to gently wrap her robot pony butthole around his cock.

The human raised his hands up to take hold of her plump backside, fingers digging in deeply into the soft, synthetic flesh.

"I will miss this when humanity dies." She said in a low, sad voice.

Lyra cried out in bliss when Jack merely responded by humping upward to slam his cock into her anus, her nanomachines gently squeezing his cock as he did so.

The tent was filled with the moans and groans of both human and robot pony.

Soon, Lyra’s nanomachines across her body went haywire from overwhelming pleasure.

When he uttered a low groan as he unleashed his seed into her wanton depths Lyra moaned loudly in ecstasy, before her whole body shattered into grey jelly.

The human had a most confused look upon his face, before Lyra’s body reformed back into shape atop him.

"That was awesome!" She shouted happily.

Unbeknown to Jack, Lyra sent a signal to the center of the Earth, detailing her experiences with the human to Celest-A.I.

Along with the uttered message of simply ‘Don’t be a cunt.’

Celestia’s metal heart grew three sizes that day and stopped being a cunt. So she manufactured cans of beans to feed every human on Earth and actually helped humanity without eating their brains.

The End