No Heroes, No Harmony, No Hope.

by remnants

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Alternate Universe
Length: 3243

After a deadly accident strikes down the Mane 6, the fate of Equestria lies with six everyday ponies. Unfortunately for Equestria, they might well be the worst ponies for the job.

What happens when the friendship problem is solved? When the quest has been given, the saddles packed, and the Mane 6 are departed on their next adventure? They keep the trains running, the food cooked, and the shops open, yet who has pays attention to the background ponies?

In the town of Hoofington, six ponies settle in for a night of ignoring the national heroes drinking in their bar when things go quickly -and fatally- awry. Now it falls to the world's worst con-stallion, a washed up ex-night guard, a bartender with a drinking problem, a pegasus who's afraid of heights, an alchemist with pyromaniac tendencies and a pony who isn't all that they seem to clean up the mess. These six misfits find themselves faced with an impossible choice: pretend to be national heroes undertaking a task that will surely result in near-certain death, or see the world as they know it destroyed by an ancient evil. Armed only with salvaged supplies, second-hand knowledge, and a secret that's quite literally to die for, it will take a whole slew of miracles to pull off.

Now if only they could stop bickering for long enough to form a plan…

Set pre-alicorn Twilight. Rated teen for occasional swearing, mild innuendos and depictions of violence. Sex tag for dirty jokes just to be on the safe side.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-24 05:57:50 UTC

Prologue

In the dimming light of the day’s sun, six figures made their way through the farms of the outskirts of Hoofington towards the town. Four of them them were making their way on hoof, sagging slightly under the weight of their saddlebags and a full day’s travelling. The fifth member - a pegasus- flapped lethargically along a few feet overhead, flying with her entire body supported by sluggishly flapping wings. As for the sixth, she showed none of the weariness that the rest of her companions exhibited, pronking in front of, around and in-between the other five with such speed she could have been mistaken for a pink blur. If anypony was around to witness these six, they would have also heard a near-endless stream of noise coming from her.

“...and then Mrs Cake told me I might have added too much sugar to my super-duper travelling muffin recipe when she said “Pinkie Pie, that’s far too much sugar in that recipe!” but that’s silly because who’s ever heard of such a thing as too much sugar? Aaaaanyway, I baked two whole batches of them and I was going to share them with you girls, but then I thought “Hey, Pinkie, why don’t you try one to make sure they taste good?” And then I said back “Hey Pinkie, that’s a great idea” and I had one and they were so good that I thought I’d just have one more but then I wanted another and I just couldn’t stop eating them and before I knew it they were all gone!”

As she paused to draw a massive gasp of air, another pony wearing a stetson jammed her hoof into Pinkie’s mouth. “Okay there sugarcube, Ah’m sure we’d all love to hear more about these muffins of yours, but y’all’ve been talking darned near non-stop for the past half-hour an’ we’re all plum tuckered out. We’re nearly in Hoofington, so how ‘bout you let us have a few minutes silence ‘til we reach the inn? Deal?” As the pink mare nodded, the other slowly withdrew her hoof.

“Sorry Applejack, I’m just so superfantasticamazingly excited because we get to go on this amazing super-secret mission Celestia and Luna sent us on! Consider my lips sealed!” With that, Pinkie mimed zipping her mouth shut and locking it, then throwing away the key, before her eyes widened and she dived into the bushes after the imaginary key.

By that point the party had reached the start of the town proper, and little cottages dotted either side of the rough dirt track they were walking along. This late in the evening most shops were closed and the majority of ponies were already at home, but a few residents still filled the streets. As the six newcomers passed, they attracted a few cursory glances, but nopony really paid them much attention. After all, Hoofington -while still only a village- was large enough to attract the occasional tourists and travellers on a more-or-less regular basis.

A few minutes walk later, and the six mares had reached the central plaza of the village. Slowing to a halt, the unicorn at the head of the group scanned the various structures until she spotted a building with a stylised sign of two flagons of cider adorning it. “Come on girls, that must be the inn. Let’s see if we can get settled in and finally take these packs off.”

The other unicorn in the group started trotting forward, examining herself in a compact mirror she levitated before her. Snapping it shut, her eyes flicked over the exterior of the inn in a quick once-over. “Quite, darling. Travelling is such a hassle without dear little Spikey to do all the heavy lifting. Oh, I do hope the rooms have a bath so I can get all this ghastly muck out of my coat. I can hardly wait a moment more.” With her piece said, she cantered on ahead towards the inn.

The flying pegasus scoffed and spoke up.  “Of course Rarity’s first thought is getting all primped up instead of knocking back a well-deserved cold cider instead. Why am I not surprised?” Turning, she addressed the stetson-wearing earth pony “Hey, AJ, talking of cider, want to see how this holds up against Sweet Apple Acres’ own brand?”

Applejack snorted dismissively. “Rainbow, Ah know for a fact Sweet Apple Acres can hold its own ‘gainst any other cider in Equestria. In fact, Ah would bet the entire farm that nopony could make a better cider than me an’ mah kin. You just don’t know it cause you’re always too lazy to get up in time to buy some on cider season.” She paused for a second before a smirk lit up her face. “In fact, ah bet that 'cause of that Ah could drink you under the table.”

“Hah, fat chance of that! I’ll have you know my middle name is Heavyweight!” Rainbow quipped back.

“Uhmmm, Heavyweight is an odd middle name, and I thought your middle name was actually Danger? Or was it Professionalism? But, I could be wrong, so never mind…” The other pegasus in the party asked, trailing off towards the end into a barely audible whisper.

Rainbow struck a pose mid air, puffing her chest out dramatically. “They all are, Fluttershy! Rainbow Danger Professionalism Heavyweight Dash, that’s me. C’mon AJ, last one to the bar pays the first round, onetwothreego!!” Shooting off with a pace that belied the exhaustion she was showing just minutes ago, she beelined towards the door in a prismatic blur, speeding past Rarity.

“You… Rainbow Dash, ya dirty low down piece of- ya could at least have gave me a fair start!” Applejack hollered after her as she galloped in pursuit, followed closely by Pinkie Pie, still cheerfully pronking along.

The remaining unicorn sighed and face-hoofed at their antics.  “Uhmm, do you want to go inside too Twilight?” Asked Fluttershy quietly, approaching her friend. Twilight simply nodded, hoof still on face, before the pair of them headed inside to join the rest of their friends.

The inside of the inn was a modest affair, with maybe half a dozen tables dotted throughout the room. A threadbare rug lay near an open hearth on one wall, and a bar occupied most of the side facing the door. As Twilight stepped inside, she noticed Applejack and Rainbow sitting next to each other at a table with several full mugs of cider in front of each of them. Meanwhile Rarity sipped at a wine glass, while Pinkie had somehow managed to convince one of the trio into buying her a cider too, against all common sense and sanity. Making her way over to the bar with Fluttershy, she noted the stallion behind the bar pouring himself a drink from a bottle of something that made her eyes water from six feet away. Sliding up onto a stool, she cleared her throat politely to catch his attention. “Hi there, I’m Twilight Sparkle. This is a lovely little inn you have. Could I get two mugs of cider please? Also, we’re looking for a place to stay the night if you have any free rooms?”

“Cider’s three bits, rooms are ten bits per night for two beds” came the grunted reply. “You with those other four?” His voice was coarse and hard, like sandpaper being dragged over stone. The bartender began filling a pair of flagons from a barrel propped against the back of the bar, while Twilight floated her money pouch up to the bartop.

"Oh, the girls over there? Yes, we’re all together." As he passed the drinks over the bar to them with his telekinesis, Twilight placed thirty-six bits onto the counter in return. “We’d like three rooms as well please, the money’s already there.”

The bartender levitated one of the coins up and bit it, checking it wasn’t a fake, then nodded and bent down under the bar. When he came back up he had three keys in his magical grip, each with a little tag attached to them. He floated them over to Twilight and waved a hoof in the general directions of the staircase. “Rooms are upstairs, numbers seven, eight and eleven. Go down the hall and turn right. You stay past midday and you owe me another ten per room. Got that?” Without waiting to see if she acknowledged him, he turned around and dug the bottle from before out of the bar, before settling into the seat behind the bar and starting to swig it. Twilight blinked, bemused by this course of action, before passing Fluttershy the other mug of cider and turning to head towards the other girls’ table.

Sliding in next to Pinkie and Rainbow Dash, she had a quick glance around at the rest of the inn. Across on the far side were four ponies playing some kind of card game, while near the hearth a lone unicorn sat watching the flames dance with an unsettling intensity. One of the card playing ponies spotted her eyeing them, and shifted his seat slightly so his back would face more towards her. She frowned slightly; just because they were strangers didn’t mean those ponies had to be so rude.

She was interrupted from her musings by Rainbow waving a hoof in front of her face. “Yo, Equestria to planet egghead, are you in there?”

“Huh... oh! Sorry Rainbow, I was just deep in thought.”

“Yeah, yeah. I get it Twi, you totally weren’t checking out one of the cute stallions over there. One sip and and you’re gone, huh lightweight?” Twilight cheeks burned and she spluttered indignantly, trying to deny Rainbow’s statement. Laughing, Rainbow punched her lightly in the shoulder. “Relax, I’m just teasing you.”

Collecting herself and breathing deeply, Twilight shot an dirty look at her friend. “You really shouldn’t tease ponies like that, Rainbow, one day somepony might take it the wrong- wait, you think I’m really a lightweight?”

“Please, I can probably count the times you’ve been drunk on one hoof” Rainbow retorted. “I bet you probably couldn’t even get through a single cider without passing out.”

Applejack spoke up too. “Uh, no offense sugarcube, but Ah reckon Dash is in the right here. Ya just don’t seem to be the drinkin’ type, if ya catch my drift.”

Twilight made an indignant little chuff. “Oh, I think you forget I went to university in Canterlot. The girls and I had some pretty wild times in our freshman year. It’s not a real party until someone is trying to recite one formulae backwards while using their magic to write another one out on a blackboard! Sometimes, when we got really crazy, we’d even try to write the first thousand digits of pi by hoof at the same time. Looking can't believe I was such a party animal!”  She let out a giggle-snort at the memory of her days as a student..

If skeptical looks were money, the look the other five girls have her would have made them richer than a dragon. After an awkward pause, Applejack spoke up. “Uh, yeah, sure sounds like a blast... So, uh, if you drank a lot back in Canterlot, then I guess that makes ‘Shy our lightweight instead… no offense, sugarcube.

“None taken… but, uhm… in Cloudsdale, Rainbow Dash did used to take me drinking a lot before we moved. But for some reason we always went to this one club where there were only other mares, what was it called again-”

“OKAY, Flutters can hold her drink, I can vouch for that.” Exclaimed Rainbow loudly, eyes darting around and a slight sheen forming on her brow. “Say, Rarity, what about you, I bet a frou-frou mare like you has never went out wild to the clubs and bars?"

Raising her drink and taking a tiny sip, Rarity smiled coyly. “True, one supposes. But if you’re expecting me to be unable to maintain my ladylike demeanour you forget that as an artiste I know that a good red wine is the perfect thing to lure a stubborn muse out of hiding, and pairs wonderfully with some of the more refined dishes they serve at social affairs.”

The five of them then turned expectantly to Pinkie, who simply smiled and pointed at herself. “Party pony. Being able to keep on drinking is practically in the job description.”

“Wait, hold on a minute” asked Rainbow. “So we’ve all got drinking experience and none of us claims to be a lightweight. You know what? We should have a drinking contest to see who can hold their alcohol the best!” Without waiting for a response, she headed over to the bar and dumped down her entire purse onto the bar. “Keep ‘em coming until there’s only one mare standing!”

Sighing and muttering about ‘no rest for the wicked’, the bartender began filling six mugs, putting them onto a tray and levitating it across to the mares’ table. And here he had been hoping for an easy night.

As the first set of drinks came their way, Twilight spoke up. “Hold on girls, before we do this, let’s quickly put our bags into our rooms, that way the last ponies standing can help the rest without having to worry about all these heavy packs too.” The others agreed, and soon all six sets of saddlebags were stored upstairs.

Once they had settled down back down at their table, Applejack addressed the other five, looking at each in turn. “Okay, y’all listen carefully, cause these here are the rules of the contest-”

Roughly half an hour later, the girls’ table was covered in mugs. The bartender had stopped ferrying away the empty ones and returned to his bottle, figuring a lack of customers needing those mugs meant less work for him carting them back and cleaning them. As for the mares, they were in various states of inebriation. Applejack’s and Rainbow’s strong early start had worked against them, and now the pair were slumped over each other, snoring lightly as they slept the dreamless sleep of the drunk. Meanwhile Fluttershy had thrown in the towel, swaying precariously in her seat as she tried not to also pass out. Rarity clutched a glass of water in her telekinesis, sipping slowly at it and looking decidedly green, for all purposes out of the contest. Meanwhile, Twilight and Pinkie were now sitting across table from each other, faces set in what might have been drunken attempts at grim determination.

“Hey *hic* Twiiiiliight, you should give up.” Pinkie slurred. “There’s no ch- *hic* chance you can outdri- *hic* outdrink the greatest party pony ever.” She attempted to blow a raspberry, but only succeeded dribbling drool down her muzzle. She wiped at it and started giggling.

“No *urp* no way I’m losing to you Pin...Pin.. uhhh.. Piekie Pink! I have *hic* a trick up my sleeve! Moondancer and I made a spell to *hic* help sober you up real fast. Heeyyyyyy, I should go see Moondancer when we’re in Canterlot next time. I *hic* I could get her and Luna and introduce them. Imagine it, Moonie and Moonie, heheehe *hic* hehehe.” She chortled uncontrollably, spilling cider on the table as she waved her hooves about.

“You have more friends I haven’t met yet?!” Pinkie practically shouted, throwing herself across the table. “As soon as we get back I want to meet them and throw them the best party ever!”She started bouncing up and down on the spot at the chance to throw a party, vibrating so fast she might have been mistaken for a jackhammer, albeit a fuzzy pink one.

Now, it should be noted at this point that the table the six were sitting at was positioned under a very large and very heavy metal tank, intended to act as the water supply for the guest rooms upstairs. When the inn had been built it was securely kept in place with a pair of massive bolts welded to the wall. For added safety, a wooden beam supported the bottom of it, taking the weight of the tank onto it. However over the years, the exactly wrong conditions had chained together in the worst way possible. Damp had soaked in through the walls into the wooden beams over the decades, rotting it slowly from the inside out. On top of that, unnoticed to the various generations of barkeepers, the giant metal bolts had been rusted and weakened by the same leak that damaged the wood. Luckily, both were still sturdy enough that it would take nothing short of a force of nature to to dislodge it.

Unfortunately, Pinkie Pie may well have been one such force of nature. Her energetic jostling combined with her drunken earth pony strength sent rhythmic shockwaves through the floor and walls of the inn and into the damaged supports. With a dreadful crack and groan, the beam splintered. Now forced to take the entire weight by themselves, the corroded bolts gave way and sheared, sending the metal tank toppling down. The bartender tried to grab at the falling object with magic on instinct, but the weight of the full tank was far to much for his mediocre talent. With no support, it plummeted downwards.

All things considered, Quick Scheme had been having a fairly good evening. He was twenty bits up in the game he was playing, and the inn had been quiet except for a bunch of rowdy tourists across on the other side of the room. Cinder Glow was in the inn too, but the crazy mare was just sitting quietly next to the fire, staring intensely at the open flame like she usually did.

He was in the middle of slyly trying to switch one of his cards out for the ones he had stashed under the table when a loud cracking sound filled the inn, followed by a thunderous CLANG that shook the whole building and sent him sprawling off the seat. As he fell he saw the seafoam aura of Barkeep's magic out the corner of his eye. Something flew overhead, close enough that he felt the air part from it's passing. Ears ringing, he groggily pulled himself to his hooves and glanced around to see what on Equestria had caused it. Embedded in the wood of the near wall was a large jagged spar of metal. He turned to look at the direction it must have came from.

Quick felt his blood run cold.

When he had turned around, he had spotted the deformed water container. The stonework around it was cracked in a spiderwebbed pattern from the force of the impact, and a large pool of water was rapidly leaking out over the floor. All around it lay pieces of broken wood and metal. It looked expensive to repair, and Barkeep would probably have to shut down the inn for at least a month.

That wasn't the reason for the horrible feeling bubbling up from his stomach and threatening to overwhelm him. Quick knew the layout of the inn like the back of his hoof. Those tourists had been sitting directly underneath the tank. He hadn’t spotted the six mares elsewhere in the room. It had taken his shellshocked mind a second to put two and two together. Then he had seen it and all the pieces clicked together.

Sticking out from under the metal was a motionless lavender hoof.