The burning irritation pricked Rarity’s spine and tormented her. The flames just under her skin plucked her nerves like violin strings until she wanted to scream. Escape was possible. Her hooves held the cure; she just had to use it. No effort would be required, and the satisfaction it would bring would leave Rarity with a stupid smile on her face--perhaps a more embarrassing substitute than her current grinding jaw, screaming eyes, and twitching cheeks.
But she couldn’t; the risk was too much. Should she indulge herself now, it would cost her more than she wanted to lose. She’d lose face. Her image would be shattered. She respected herself too much to let herself be controlled by such animalistic urges.
There was no cover for Rarity to hide behind nor excuses great enough to pardon her from her current duties. There was no escape from the eyes of the crowd in front of her--the staring, judging eyes that feasted on her. Their hunger was so great that she could feel her soul being consumed, and if she tainted herself by indulging in relief, the display would disgust the crowd and any intrigue they had in her would be tarnished.
On the sidewalk in front of the newest Manehatten branch of Parasol Boutique stood Rarity, Coco Pommel, and Sassy Saddles. They had toiled and prepared for this moment--the grand opening ceremony. A large, purple ribbon was tied from lamppost to lamppost, blocking off the front of the newly redecorated, red-brick store. On one side stood the three ponies who made this possible; on the other side in the street were dozens, if not hundreds, of ponies. All of them had responded to the fliers, ads in newspapers, and word of mouth about the new fashion store. So much of the turnout was attributed to how Sassy had emphasized the success of the branch in Canterlot, giving Rarity’s new store even more flair of class and culture than it had before. Not much, mind you. Traffic on the street had backed up because of the large crowd, but even the taxi drivers and passengers got caught up in the excitement. Everypony listened and buzzed with pent-up anticipation as Sassy was finishing up her opening speech to rile up the customers into a shopping frenzy. The crowd soaked up every detail with their eyes and ears.
There couldn’t have been a worse time for Rarity to have an itchy butt.
Pleas and cries echoed in her mind. She begged to Celestia for Sassy’s speech to end and allow her to obtain the release she so desired. The burning grew, now biting into the bottom of her dock with sharp, jagged fangs. The pleas and cries devolved into shouts and demands. How dare Sassy take so long with her speech? What in the world was Rarity thinking in allowing her to start off the ceremony? She wished to Luna to launch an asteroid at Sassy and flatten her. No, that was barbaric. She daydreamed as loudly as she could of Luna raising the moon and causing a solar eclipse, turning all eyes away from the ceremony, if even for a second, so that Rarity could scratch her crack. If she daydreamed loud enough, maybe Luna would hear her and grant her wish.
What seemed like minutes passed, but no celestial phenomena came to pass. Only more words of Sassy’s speech about how fashion made the pony.
The fidgeting grew worse. Sweat beaded on her forehead and trickled down her wrinkled brow as her senses and sensibilities clashed. She tried wiggling her dock ever so slightly, but that fanned the flames in her fanny, and the infestation crept farther into her crevice. Staying still became a test of willpower. She jiggled a back hoof that bounced her rear a bit, but only until she realized what she was doing, so she bit the inside of one cheek and took control of her body. A gallant effort, but it wasn’t long before her self control was wrested from her. Her rump cheeks clenched together. When no relief came, she squeezed all of her muscles even tighter. Oh, oh dear. Was she? Kegel exercises. In public no less! She needed a distraction.
A distraction, that’s it! If Rarity could focus on something hard enough, then she might forget her burning buns. She surveyed the crowd for something to study. Her eyes ran from pony to pony. Oh! Look at that mare. She has such a lovely frock. It’s a lovely eggshell white, and the roses at the bottom make it look quite lovely. Oh, but they have thorns? Why would the designer include thorns in such an otherwise pleasant design? Could it be a statement about beauty and the pain that comes with it? You must be careful when picking roses or else you’ll get scra--
Her observation dropped dead when she thought of the dreaded “s-word.” The mere thought of it brought Rarity’s mind back to the irritation in her poor posterior. The itch, as if it were aware Rarity was thinking about it, put more gusto into tormenting Rarity’s trunk. Frantic, Rarity cast out another glance at the crowd and caught sight of a familiar face.
Oh my! Even Fancy Pants and Fleur dis Lee showed up. They are really lovely together. Awwww. Fancy gave Fleur a little nuzzle. It’s so sweet to see such a gentlecolt be proud of his love. Oh! He’s whispering something into her ear. And she’s giggling. I wonder what is going on in their minds? What if they’re talking about something--oh, that would be quite scandalous! My, my, Mr. Fancy Pants. I never expected you to be such a tiger. Ohoho! Fleur is flirting back! She’s even reaching up and scratching his chin and--
A lighting bolt ran down Rarity’s spine and ignited her dry derriere, splashing waves of discomfort all over her backside. Why, oh why did she let herself stay up preparing? She should have given herself more time to apply plenty of moisturizer in her quick shower. She gave herself a mental slap and stared at a stallion directly in front of her.
I, um, oh my. Why is a stallion like that here? That ugly green baseball hat and that dirty t-shirt? And that sloppy posture. He’s not a fashion connoisseur. Well, I shouldn’t judge by looks alone. Maybe he has a special somepony. But, oh, he looks so out of place among these mares and fans of fashion, and-- Oh eww! He picked his nose! Oh, oh, don’t wipe it on your shirt, that’s just-- ugh. Oh. I feel sick. What? No! Don’t go back for another. Oh, Celestia, please. You’re in public have some decency. Wait, what? What are you looking around for? Where’s your hoof going now? No. Nonononono! Oh, blind me with the sun, Celestia, why would you scratch yourself there in public! I-- I--
At once, disgust squeezed her belly and dry cracks in her skin flared up her keister.
This had to stop. Tartarus had come to Equestria, settled in her tush, and shoved her to the edge of madness. The jiggling. The squeezing. The lip biting. At this point she didn’t care. She had to do something. Anything. She looked around for something. Any object or thing that she could easily use as a scratcher without looking too suspicious. Behind her was only the brick wall, but it was too far away for her to lean back and pretend to be tired. She silently cursed cleaning the whole sidewalk before the ceremony. There was nothing to save her. Nothing mattered anymore. She opened her mouth to scream.
“And now, a few words from the mare that made this all possible, Ms. Rarity!”
Huh? Sassy was done? Oh, how glorious! Relief was only a few words away. Perhaps more eagerly than she wanted to let on, Rarity trotted up to the center of the ribbon and waved to the cheering crowd.
She had spent a long time on preparing analogies that compared fashion to all other aspects of life, including cooking, sports, and values, and how all of it reflected the passion within a pony’s heart. She had stayed up late last night going over her little speech and memorizing every line. But now she couldn’t care less; she’d just pull a speech out of her plot and get it over with.
“Mares and gentlecolts! The clothes you wear reflect your values and how you see yourself. So, please come in, discover who you are, and show the world what kind of pony you are!”
With her speech done, she snatched up the giant pair of scissors that Coco was holding. “I declare the Manehatten branch of Carousel Boutique open!”
The scissors snipped the ribbon and cut the ceremony short. Before the ribbon even touched the pavement, ponies poured into the boutique like water down the drain. Or soothing lotion into her dry skin. Rarity waited for the path to the door to clear, bouncing in place with anticipation as she saw relief just a few steps away. The crowd slowed as more ponies made their way inside. Eventually, ponies stopping midway to take in the store blocked the flow.
Rarity was having none of that. She pushed herself up close to the crowd, stood up on her hind legs, and cupped her hooves with her mouth. “Will everypony please make way to clear the entrance? It’s, a, uh-- fire hazard!”
Ponies slowly moved and the flow resumed. Rarity trotted in place as the last few guests sauntered inside. When enough space was opened, she gracefully dashed forward, but stumbled to a halt when Sassy and Coco blocked her escape.
“Hey, Rarity, are you alright? You don’t look so good,” said Coco.
“Honey, what was with that speech? I thought you had something longer and much more grander planned. I set them up for you to knock down and--”
No. Relief was just a few feet away. She couldn’t wait anymore! “I’m sorry, ladies. I just need to use the little fillies’ room.”
Coco covered her mouth and looked away as she took a step back. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t--”
“Yes, yes. It’s fine. Now if you’ll excuse me.” Rarity power-walked around around the pair and into the boutique. The bathroom was at the back. She’d have to wade through this herd to get to her destination.
With as much grace as she could muster, she glided through the crowd, making sure to avoid any eye contact on her way. She didn’t want to appear rude, but desperation made ponies do unspeakable things. And her dry, aching skin was soaking up every last bit of patience she had. She figured the best thing to do was to avoid any conversations she would have to abruptly end.
She weaved around racks and ponies alike until the door to the bathroom was right in front of her. Sanctuary!
Only a few steps now. Nothing could stop her. She lit her horn to pull the door open so she could enter without slowing down. Then the unforgivable happened. A pony jumped in her way and knocked her back.
Pinkie Pie launched forward and snatched Rarity up in a hug. “Hey, Rarity! I’m so happy your new store is open! I’m so glad we found a place for it. Oh, I’m so happy for you.”
Rarity wriggled in her grasp. “Yes, Pinkie. I’m happy, but would you please put me down!”
Pinkie dropped Rarity, who landed on her bum with a bump. “Gee, Rarity. Why are so antsy, I--” She stopped and stuck out her tongue and watched Rarity bounce in place while trying to find the best way to go around Pinkie. “--Ooooooh! I get it.” She leaned in and whispered. “It makes sense now. The way you were bobbing in place. How you were shaking around during the ceremony. The clenching.”
Rarity froze. Was she that obvious? She saw her clench? Who else noticed? Oh no! Her face flamed up as much as her hindquarters.
Pinkie leaned in closer. “You were doing the pee-pee dance.”
Wait, what!? Fine, so be it. “Uh, sure, Pinkie. Now if you excuse me.”
Pinkie nodded, stepped aside, and raised her hoof towards the bathroom door.
Despite her withered patience, she was still courteous enough to give a thank-you nod as she bolted. Her moon burned worse than Celestia’s sun, but not for long. She was so close, she could imagine it. See it. Feel it. How the moist towelette would cling to her hoof as she took care of her business. It was all just seconds away! She readied her magic, and the door swung open.
But she didn’t open the door.
In front of her stood a stallion. Green hat. Dirty t-shirt.
The nosepicker!
The nosepicker put a forehoof to his nose and waved with his other. “Pee-yuh! You might want to give that a minute! I--” The stallion let out a large belch. “I had nothing but curry, Neighican food, and pickled eggs for the last three days. I tell ya what, I thought that opening ceremony would never end.”
Rarity felt her stomach sink like a boulder. “No…”
The nosepicker nodded. “Eeyup. I really should know better, but they taste so darn good!” He nodded. “You might wanna light a candle in there. Have a good day ma’am.” His business finished, the stallion turned towards the exit, and every mare in his path sank away as if death passed by them and threatened to rip out their souls.
With the stallion gone, she turned back to her “sanctuary.” She took one step forward before the smell rammed into her face. She turned away and covered her nose and mouth. The stink was contaminating. The whole bathroom reeked of death, which smelled a lot like fiery, spoiled eggs in Fluttershy’s chicken coop covered in bear droppings. Everything in that bathroom was tinted green, and she could swear that tentacle vapors reached out of the door to prey on the living. Anypony caught in its tendrils would be pulled in and swallowed whole, never to return to the land of the living.
She couldn’t do it. No. But even in the face of certain doom, the burning didn’t stop. No. She could hold her breath. It wasn’t like she had to stay in there long. Just hop in, close the door, scratch, then get the Tartarus out of there!
Yes, she could do this. She took a deep breath and readied herself. She felt her legs tighten as she readied to pounce. Slowly, she released the air in her lungs and took one more deep breath. Hopefully not her last.
“Oh, finally. The bathroom’s open. I swear, I thought that guy would never leave.”
Rarity stumbled as her concentration shattered. A light-yellow mare with a blue mane trotted past her.
“Wait, no! Stop!”
But it was too late. The worm-like leeches wrapped around the helpless mare, and the door shut behind her. “Oh-- Oh, sweet, merciful Celestia! What the fu---”
Gags echoed inside the bathroom, and Rarity could hear the sound of hooves scuffing the tile floor and clawing the wooden door. She couldn’t be saved. It was too dangerous for anypony to get close without getting a whiff themselves. It would be suicide.
Inside, the dying mare was wheezing and sobbing. “Oh Luna, I can taste it!” The door handle jiggled, but only for a moment before the pony retched, followed by a loud splash--like chili spilling on the kitchen floor--then the thud of the corpse.
Rarity would mourn her passing and deal with the lawsuits later. For now, she had one heck of an itch to deal with. She had to find a place where she could get some privacy. Some place like--her office!
She whipped around and sped past Pinkie Pie to the stairs leading to her office.
“Hey, Rarity, where are you going? I thought this place only had one bathroom.”
Rarity ignored her and sped up the stairs, leaving Pinkie to think.
“Oh, I get it. You need to go that bad, right? You got an empty bottle up there? ...Hey, wait a minute, we mares can’t do that!” She rubbed her chin and stared out of the corner of her squinted eyes. “Or can we?”
The door couldn’t have opened fast enough for Rarity as she shoved herself through and slammed it closed behind her. With her magic, she flipped the lock before dropping her tukhus on the carpet.
Privacy.
Finally, she had it! Now for the relief! She didn’t bother looking for a tissue and dug straight in. She shot a hoof around her back and under her tail and scratched. A moan escaped her lips as relief flowed through her body. But it wasn’t enough. Her hoof could only take care of so much at once; her whole patootie was pink with irritation. The fire couldn’t be doused with a single hoof. That’s when the animal within took control.
She pushed up off the carpet and balanced herself on her rectum and dock, rooted her front hooves in the carpet in front of her, then pulled. The carpet scratched every nook and cranny of her caboose as she dragged herself like when Winnona had worms. But she didn’t care. It felt so good. She moaned again, but louder as the individual strands of the carpet scraped and scratched away the inflammation. Over and over again, she made circles on her carpet in front of her desk. She had found Elysium.
All dragged out, she collapsed on her back. She knew the relief was only temporary and would come back if she didn’t properly moisturize her dry skin, but it was all worth it for the temporary relief. And goodness, did this take a lot out of her. Her chest rose and fell with each large, satisfied gulp of air. She’d get up and dig out some wet naps later then take care of herself before heading back out there. Nopony would ever know what happened in here. She sighed. Her troubles were over.
Then came a knock on the door. “Rarity? You alright? It’s Sassy.”
Rarity jumped up off the carpet and leapt over her desk. She flipped the lock open with her magic. “Uh, yes, darling! Come in. I’m quite alright.” She put on her best, least suspicious smile as the door opened and Sassy walked in. “Whatever gave you the thought there was something wrong?”
Sassy looked at Rarity with a raised eyebrow. “Well, you seemed to be a bit anxious and--” She stopped and looked around the room. “Wha-- What is that?”
Rarity lipped her dry lips. “I’m sorry, what is what?”
Sassy sniffed the air. “That smell.”
Rarity tilted her head and a bead of sweat ran down the back of her neck. “What smell? I don’t smell anything?”
“No, there is definitely something.” She whiffed in the mystery scent and followed her nose around the room before coming back to the center of the room. She took a big whiff of the carpet and flinched. Shivers ran down Rarity’s spine. Her back was a waterfall of sweat. Sassy stood back up and looked Rarity in the eyes. She scrunched her face and skewed her mouth. She gagged and wiped her nose.
“Rarity, your carpet smells like ass.”
Author's Note
True story: A friend and I were talking about what he should write for a (non-pony related) writing competition. I joked that he should write about "a man scratching his butt and sniffing his fingers." He said, "I can't do that! You pretty much summed up the story in nine words. I need anywhere between three and five thousand words."
I took that as a challenge.
