I May Or May Not Have Killed Somepony

by OfficialIKEA

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Dark, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 1056

Luna may have killed somepony. This does not go down well in the Coffeehouse.

Luna may have killed somepony. This does not go down well in the Coffeehouse.
Just a little something I wrote when I was bored. I got my inspiration from Awful Lot of Coffee in Equestria (big thanks to NorristhePony for brightening up my Tuesday evenings!) This is my first thing (it's not exactly a real story, but I do have one planned for soon. Depending on how things go, the first few chapters should be out around May sometime.)

Published 2016-03-26 20:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-27 17:16:52 UTC

Just Possibly

Celestia and Cadence were sat at their usual table in the small coffee shop on the edge of Canterlot. They were talking about the usual things: the weather, each other’s hair (you know, small talk) and something else:

“Where’s Luna today?” Cadence asked, a mild hint of annoyance in her voice.

“I don’t know…” Celestia wondered how Cadence would react. Probably the same as always. “She’s usually the first here, and she never goes anywhere without a bit of caffeine.”

Suddenly, their thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of Princess Luna, clearly distressed.

“Speak of the devil. Literally.” Celestia finally took a sip of her tea, now lukewarm. “Oh great” she sighed.

There was a moment’s silence, nopony quite knew what to say, then Luna began a rather hurried and barely comprehensible speech.

“Ifyoumurderedsomeponyandyoudidn’tknowwhattodowhatwouldyoudohowwouldyoudisposeofthebodyandcleanupyourtrackssonoponyknewitwasyou?”

“Pardon?” Cadence clearly hadn’t understood, not exactly a hard task. At this, Luna began babbling away again.

“I believe wha…” Celestia made an attempt to speak over Luna, with no avail; so she put a hoof on Luna’s muzzle to shut her up, and began talking again “I believe what my sister is trying to ask is ‘If you had murdered somepony, what would you do?’”

Luna nodded slowly.

“That’s a very… interesting question.” Cadence spoke her thoughts.

“It’s just a hypothetical question like, if you had, what would you do.” Luna could speak normally now, albeit slightly fast and still with a distressed look on her face, as Celestia had shoved a large mug of coffee across the table. She had drunk it in one gulp.

“I agree with Cadence. It’s still a very odd question to ask over coffee, and your face is clearly that of a pony who’s seen things. Luna, is there something you’re not telling us?”

Luna swallowed hard. “I mayormaynothavemurderedsomepony!”

“You did WHAT!”

“Cadence, this is getting old. You really need to learn how to listen to other ponies talking quickly…”

“No, it’s not that. It’s that LUNA HAS KILLED SOMEPONY!”

“Relax; it happens every other millennia. You’ll get used to it. Besides, the same thing happens every time (of course, the shop varies as does the company), Luna is missing over a bit of coffee, she comes in about 5 minutes late, starts babbling, and I have to explain it to the other pony. It’s how I know what she’s saying; after several thousand years listening to Luna talking quickly, you learn how to understand it. After every time, however, Luna and the company are so distressed I have to wipe their memories.” Celestia was calm, as if this happened frequently (which for her, it did).

Cadence, on the other hand, was beginning to go a deathly pale colour.

“Oh for pity’s sake.” Celestia hailed a waitress. “Hey, can I get a Lavender tea with a dash of Camomile and a hint of Lemon Balm, please? …thank you.” She slid the strange concoction over the table to Cadence (now hyperventilating) “Drink.” She ordered.

Throughout that, Luna had been watching quietly, calming herself down with her third (or fourth) mug of coffee. She now spoke “So that’s where all those Saturday mornings went…”

“You say that every time, Luna.”

“Small wonder. You always brainwash me afterwards, so how would I know what I said?”

“Moving on, what happened to the body?” The effects of the four (or five) mugs of coffee suddenly wore off, and the look of distress returned to her face. A smile crept onto Celestia’s .“Guaranteed to work every time. Now where do I go from here, I’m a little rusty as it hasn’t happened recently… Oh yes! Do you still have the body?”

“What?! No!”

“Oh. Well then, go and collect it and bring it back so we can have a proper look at it.”

“What with? I’ll look just a bit strange carrying a DEAD PONY on my back”

“True…” Celestia thought for a while, then brought into existence an average sized body bag. “This do?”

“Won’t work.” Cadence chipped in, “far too conspicuous, anypony sees you carrying that around with that shifty, distressed look on your face, ponies will suspect.”

“Alright then, this.” Celestia conjured up a suitcase, just the right size for a dead pony.

“Better, but the face is still too much a giveaway.”

“Alright then, you go fetch it.”

“What! Me?”

“Yes, you. Nopony has ever doubted the suitcase before, so it’s your job to go fetch the body.”

Cadence shifted a shade paler.

“Fine, we’ll all go. Now, drink, both of you.”

The three princesses drained their mugs and set off in the direction Luna led them; towards one of Canterlot’s more secluded suburbs. Celestia followed with the suitcase, and Cadence brought up the rear. After about 5 minutes walking Luna stopped abruptly, making Cadence walk into the back of Celestia.

“Warn me next time you stop suddenly!”

“I wouldn’t have to if you were paying any attention whatsoever to where you were going. You were about 10 paces back and looking behind you.”

“I was making sure we weren’t being followed.”

Luna, meanwhile, was staring at a dark alleyway, unmoving. Celestia noticed this and dragged the suitcase over to it. Cadence followed, dragging Luna.

“So, what we do now is put the body in the suitcase, I’m going to brainwash you two, and if anybody, even you, asks what’s in the suitcase; I’m going on holiday. Ok?”

Luna and Cadence nodded, unsure what else to do.

“Good.” Celestia unzipped the case, shoved the dead body in, and did it back up. She led the other two out into the main street, and cast a simple memory spell on them.

FLASH

“What are we doing here?” Luna enquired.

“I could say the same…” Cadence responded.

“And why do you have a suitcase?” Luna pointed to the case being dragged behind Celestia.

“Oh, this? I’m just going on holiday. Need a little break.” Celestia answered.

“So do I. It feels like a Saturday.” Cadence said.

“It is Saturday. Eleven twenty-five to be precise.” Celestia deadpanned.

“Oh!” said a startled Luna, “How could I miss elevenses! Coffee anypony?”

Author's Note

I hope you enjoyed this, if you think of any way I could improve it, please comment down below. Please don't be too harsh though, as this is my first written item.