Greatest Villain Ever

by Erisn

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer
Length: 3466

Starlight goes to confront the new villain of Season 6.

[Season 6 Spoilers!]

Starlight Glimmer has unearthed Equestria's newest, most devious villain. Her attempts to curtain its rising menace may fail, but if it does, the world may not be ready for the evil it will unleash. The cute, adorable, evil.

Published 2016-03-27 00:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-27 00:30:01 UTC

Evil is Cute and Evil

The room was dark despite the day as Equestria’s greatest and latest villain sat in silent contemplation. The evil creature that dreamed of the destruction and murder of the living was silent, unmoving. It awoke only when the sound of footsteps intruded on its dark meditations.

The lone occupant of the room looked up as a sliver of light dared to intrude into its personal sanctum. The door to its room opened, and a figure was silhouetted by the light for a brief moment before the door closed once more, leaving the room in darkness.

Starlight entered the room slowly, horn aglow with magic. She never took her eyes off her target.

“Well,” she said quietly, “we meet at last. Properly, I mean.”

She waited, but no reply came.

Starlight slowly began to circle her nemesis, talking quietly, ready for any sudden attacks. “I know we were introduced, but at the time it wasn’t possible to exchange greetings. But this is for the best. I don’t want any ponies interrupting us. Here we’re alone, so we can chat. Pony to pony. Magic user to magic user. Villain to villain.”

Her enemy chuckled. Starlight drew back in disgust.

“Still playing innocent? Fine. I can understand. You don’t want to blow your cover. That’s okay. I’m good at waiting. Play innocent. But just so you know, I’m watching you. You may have fooled everypony else, but I was a villain long before you. The instant I saw you, I knew you were plotting something. Well, you may have failed this time, and you may have even gotten away with it, but this is a declaration of war. I’ve been reformed. I’m no longer trying to destroy Equestria, and if you threaten my friends again I’ll make sure you regret ever drawing breath. Do you understand me?”

No response. Starlight’s self-control shattered. She loomed over the other. “I said, do you understand—”

The light switched on. Starlight blinked and looked up. Twilight was standing in the open doorway, Spike at her side.

“Starlight, what are you doing, and why are you threatening a baby?”

Flurry Heart giggled and waved her forelegs in her cradle.

Starlight stood up and cleared her throat nervously. “Twilight, I was just, uh—”

“I don’t want to judge, but it looks like you were standing over my niece and threatening her,” Twilight said, eyes narrowed in suspicion.

“That was—I can explain—”

“How could you?” Twilight advanced on Starlight angrily. “I trusted you. I thought you’d changed, but you were just pretending the entire time, weren’t you?”

“Don’t worry Flurry,” Spike said, darting forwards to protectively shield the baby with his body as Twilight backed Starlight into a corner of the nursery. “Twilight will handle this.”

“Listen Twilight,” Starlight said quickly, backing away from the alicorn’s sparking horn. “You don’t understand. I was just talking to Flurry Heart and—”

“You were shouting at her!” Twilight said angrily. “How could you? She’s an innocent baby! How could you even dream of harming a hair on her head. Why I ought to banish you to Tartarus! Of all the heinous, low, deceitful, hateful things to do—”

“But she’s the villain!” Starlight wailed.

There was a pregnant pause.

“…What?” Twilight said at last.

“She’s the villain!” Starlight said, pointing to Flurry Heart desperately. “I just know she is!”

“Um, Starlight?” Spike looked down at the giggling Flurry as she rocked back in forth in her cradle. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Look, I would never hurt your friends, much less your relatives,” Starlight said to Twilight. “But after the events of today, I came to the only logical conclusion! The destruction of the Crystal Heart, the near freezing of the Crystal Empire – all of it was a plan by Flurry Heart to destroy Equestria!”

Starlight panted as Twilight and Spike stared at her with their mouths open.

“Um, Starlight,” Spike said at last. “I don’t want to say you’re wrong but…”

“Are you crazy?” Twilight said incredulously. “How could you think—”

She lowered her voice as Flurry Heart’s face began to wrinkle in agitation. “How could you think that Flurry Heart, a baby, is a villain?”

“Allow me to explain,” Starlight said. She began pacing around Flurry Heart’s cradle, looking at the baby with narrowed eyes. “The instant I heard about how Flurry Heart destroyed the Crystal Heart by accident, I was suspicious.”

“Um, yeah, but that was an accident—” Spike stopped as Starlight raised one hoof.

“So you would believe. And so would most ponies, but not me. Remember that I was the pony that nearly disrupted the entire flow of time by myself.”

“Yeah, because you were crazy—” Spike flinched as Starlight glared at him.

“My point is that there’s nopony better at understanding the mind of evil than I am. And believe me when I say that sabotaging the Crystal Heart something only a villain would do.”

“Or an out-of-control alicorn baby,” Twilight pointed out. “It was an accident, Starlight. Flurry Heart was just crying. It wasn’t planned.”

“That’s what she wants you to believe!” Starlight said in frustration. “Destroying the Crystal Heart with sonic vibrations – it’s ingenious. Only a child could emit such volume and pitch to shatter the Heart. She unleashed her attack just when she was in range of the heart.”

“Actually, that was just because Cadence separated her from Pinkie Pie,” Twilight said. “Pinkie’s really good with kids, surprisingly, and—”

Starlight cut Twilight off again, half-monologue to herself as she paced back and forth in front of the cradle.

“I had several plans to attack the Crystal Heart, but they were all far too impractical. Flurry Heart had unprecedented access to the Crystal Heart. I could never have snuck so close with a giant tuning fork. But in one stroke she not only unleashed the freezing weather upon the Crystal Empire, but she managed to occupy Celestia and Luna – the two most powerful beings in Equestria while everypony else was engaged in a nearly-fruitless search for a way to restore the Crystal Heart.”

“That’s true, but—”

“Not only that,” Starlight continued, “but Flurry Heart was also able to distract several of those able to search through the library with her harmless ‘antics’. She even managed to use me to destroy the spell that would restore the Crystal Heart.” Starlight stroked her chin with one hoof. “How devious.”

“Look, Starlight,” Twilight said desperately, interposing herself in front of Starlight to stop the unicorn’s frantic pacing. “I hate to burst your bubble, but even if the Crystal Heart was destroyed, that would only have affected the Crystal Empire.”

“Yeah, that’s not super bad,” Spike said. “I mean, sure the Crystal Empire would be covered in snow forever, but I’m sure we would have fixed the Crystal Heart eventually. It’s not like Equestria would fall as well.”

“Don’t tell me you’re that naïve,” Starlight snapped. ”The fall of the Crystal Empire would be the first domino in the destruction of all of Equestria.”

“What?” Twilight and Spike chorused.

“Oh, it’s quite simple,” Starlight said darkly. “Once the Crystal Heart forces all its citizens out of the kingdom, Equestria will experience an unprecedented avalanche of hungry refugees. That will stretch food supplies and increase crime in all the major cities. Add that to the death of one or all of the alicorn rulers and the entire nation will dissolve into bickering city states in a matter of weeks. A classic maneuver if ever I saw one.”

“I think you’re overreacting, and imaging things,” Twilight said. “I know it looked grim, but these are the actions of a baby, Starlight. She’s innocent!”

“Didn’t you see that smile plastered on her face?” Starlight pointed at Flurry Heart, who obligingly giggled and waved one hoof. “Look at her! That sarcastic grin was on her face as we were panicking and trying to stop the winter from engulfing the Crystal Empire. That monster was mocking us the entire time!”

“That’s because she’s happy!” Twilight said in exasperation. “She’s a happy child!”

“Then how do you explain those destructive blasts? That’s Class Four magic right there, and it would have vaporized any pony it touched. It blew holes in the side of the castle!”

“An overabundance of magic,” Twilight said, more uncertainly. “She didn’t know what she was doing.”

“The destruction of the book? The chance teleporting before she would be caught?”

“She sort of has a point there,” Spike said. “I’ve never seen a pony that could teleport, besides you and Starlight, Twilight.”

“That’s…probably just another accident,” Twilight said. “And she wasn’t aiming at the book. She aimed at Rarity.”

“Right,” Starlight said darkly. “Either Rarity reflected the magic, or she would have her head blasted clean off. And that ‘accident’ would have ruined our chances to repair the Crystal Heart.”

“But that spell didn’t even work! Sunburst had to show us how to repair the Crystal Heart properly, remember?”

“Yes, what a masterstroke.” Starlight’s eyes narrowed as she glanced at Flurry Heart. “Placing victory in our hooves only to snatch it away at the last moment. It was only pure coincidence and luck that saved us this time. I’m afraid her next attempt won’t be thwarted so easily.”

“I hate to say it, but Starlight’s making a scary kind of sense, Twilight,” Spike said uncertainly. “I mean, it sounds crazy, but isn’t it also sort of true?”

“Spike!” Twilight stared at him and then at Starlight. “This is—look, Starlight, I know you mean well, but you’re making a big mistake. All of this has just been one large coincidence. Flurry Heart is an unusual baby, but she’s not a villain, and she certainly didn’t plan any of this!”

“So you say, Twilight, so you say.” Starlight glared at Flurry Heart. “But who knows the hearts of infants?”

“Everypony, since we all were infants at one point or another,” Twilight said. “And right now, I think Flurry Heart needs her bottle.”

Indeed, Flurry Heart was gurgling and reaching for her bottle. Twilight carefully levitated it over to her.

“That monster doesn’t deserve nourishment,” Starlight said, watching Flurry suck at the bottle with disgust. “Let her eat cake.”

“She could get sick or even choke if she ate cake,” Twilight said.

“Exactly.”

“Starlight, I know you care, and I appreciate how much you’re trying to help us.” Twilight chose her words carefully as Flurry Heart suckled away. “But I really think the stress of everything has been getting to you. Why don’t we go back to my castle, and—”

Flurry Heart let go of her bottle and fluttered upright in her cradle. Her round face twisted, and she suddenly burped up some of the milk she had been drinking.

The lukewarm liquid splattered Starlight’s rear and Twilight’s face. Twilight grimaced and wiped off the baby vomit with one hoof, and was knocked to the ground as Starlight bowled her over.

“Starlight, what—”

“Stand back Twilight!” Starlight pushed Twilight aside and faced Flurry Heart, horn glowing with magic. “That was clearly an attack meant to blind you!”

“Oh, for pony’s sake!” Twilight snapped. “Stop overreacting Starlight! I told you—”

“What is going on here?”

Starlight and Twilight looked around in surprise. Cadence and Shining Armor were standing in the doorway next to Spike.

“I got them as fast as I could Starlight,” Spike said, panting heavily. “Tell them about Flurry Heart!”

“Twilight, Starlight, what’s this all about?” Shining Armor asked with concern written all over his face. “Spike ran up to us, shouting about Equestria’s next villain and Flurry Heart. Is she okay?”

Twilight put one hoof over her face. “I’m sorry, Cadence, big brother,” she said exhaustedly. “Starlight was just overreacting and—”

“I’m sorry, but I have grave news for you.” Starlight pushed Twilight aside and faced Shining Armor and Cadence seriously. “It has come to my attention that your daughter, Flurry Heart is in fact a mastermind plotting the downfall of Equestria.”

“What?” Shining Armor looked at Starlight with open mouth and then at Twilight.

“Her plan to destroy the Crystal Heart was subtle, but I could tell it was no accident.” Starlight said grimly. “Who knows what she might do next? I suggest placing Flurry Heart under constant 24 hour surveillance, and engaging her in therapy at once. Shock therapy might work, but a few hypnosis spells would also probably do the trick. If worst comes to worst, I have a time travelling spell that—”

“Starlight Glimmer.” Cadence interrupted Starlight’s rant by placing one hoof on the unicorn’s shoulder. “Please. Calm yourself.”

Starlight blinked and stopped speaking. Twilight heaved a sigh of relief.

“I know you’re probably worried about possible threats to Equestria, but I can assure you, my daughter is not one of them.” Cadence walked past Starlight to pick Flurry Heart up from her cradle. The baby alicorn giggled and reached out for her mother. “Today’s drama was serious and I know we are all in danger, but rest assured, nothing of its kind will happen again.”

“B-but the Crystal Heart, the magic, the spells…” Starlight protested weakly.

“An overabundance of magical energy let her do all those things,” Cadence said, rocking Flurry Heart gently in her hooves. “She went rather wild, but fortunately Sunburst managed to prevent any more magical outburst from Flurry in the near future.”

“Yeah, but don’t you think some of it was intentional?” Spike was dancing nervously from foot to foot. “Starlight was telling us how bad it could have gotten if the Crystal Heart wasn’t repaired! Doesn’t it seem like Flurry Heart might have done it on purpose?”

“Spike, please!” Shining Armor turned on Spike angrily. “Do you think our daughter would do something like that?”

“Yes, Spike, it was an accident.” Twilight glared at her assistant. “It may have seemed the teensiest bit suspicious, but it was all mere coincidence and bad luck, right Cadence?”

“Oh no, that part was intentional,” Cadence said casually. “Flurry Heart probably meant to do all that, but I’ll have a word with her and make sure she doesn’t try to destroy Equestria again.”

This time the silence lasted several minutes. Every pony in the room stared at Cadence as she gently played with Flurry Heart as the baby giggled and laughed.

“Um, Cadence?” Twilight said uncertainly. “What, uh, did you mean by that?”

“Merely that Flurry Heart is taking after her mother,” Cadence said, depositing Flurry back into her cradle. “I’m just so happy her first evil plot went so well, and at such a young age too! She’s clearly advanced for her years – I was six before I hatched my first evil scheme! I can’t wait to see what happens when she learns how to change shapes.”

“W-what?” Twilight stammered. She was at a loss for words.

“Cadence, dear?” Shining Armor went over to his wife and nuzzled her anxiously. “Are you feeling…well? You seem odd. I mean, you’re talking almost like Chrysalis.”

“Oh Shining.” Cadence looked over at Shining Armor and sighed. “I thought you at least would have figured it out by now.”

Cadence’s form flickered. Green fire engulfed her form and suddenly Chrysalis was standing in her place. The changeling queen bent to nuzzle Flurry Heart again as the baby laughed up at her mother’s chance of appearance.

If eyes could pop out of their sockets, the room would had three eyeless ponies and one eyeless dragon.

“You—but how but—” Shining Armor babbled incoherently. “I had a baby with—you mean I—and you—and I—”

“Don’t be so coy,” Chrysalis said, winking at Shining Armor. “Or is my big strong stallion embarrassed by a changeling wife? I admit, it was hard keeping up the act the entire time I was pregnant, but I was happy to see Flurry Heart took more after her father than her mother.”

“But what happened to the real Cadence?” Shining said desperately. His eyes were rolling back in forth in his sockets, and he was hyperventilating. “Where’d she go? I thought we got rid of you with the magic and the force field! If you were her this entire time, where was she!?”

“Oh, I ate her long ago.” Chrysalis said casually. “On our wedding night, in fact. You may have blown me away with that forcefield but, you know, wings and all. It took me two hours to get back and capture her all over again. Well, I say capture, but… Did you know unicorn horns taste really good?” She licked her lips and sighed. “Bubblegum. My favorite.”

Shining Armor swayed where he stood. He stared out blankly at Chrysalis, eyes wide, mouth open. He didn’t react, but Twilight was still sane, albeit barely. She pointed a shaking hoof at Flurry Heart.

“Wait. You mean Starlight was right? Flurry Heart really was trying to take over Equestria and she destroyed the Crystal Heart on purpose?”

Chrysalis looked nonplussed. “Well of course. She is my daughter. Evil is in her blood, or ichor, rather. It’s just as well she didn’t succeed though, right? I really am grateful to Sunburst for all his help. I’m sure he’ll be a wonderful Crystaller as well.”

“Hold it! Hold the phone!” Spike pointed at Chrysalis. “This is crazy! I thought you would want her to destroy the Crystal Empire! Aren’t you a villain as well?”

“Well, yeah, I was going to let her wipe out the Crystal Empire and kill everypony in the process. But then I realized something important.” Chrysalis closed her eyes and looked down somberly. “It was a blinding revelation. An inspiration, in fact.”

“You mean, you realized how evil it would be to commit such acts of evil, and that friendship and love trumps everything?” Twilight said hopefully.

“No, I realized it was frickin’ cold.” Chrysalis dangled a rattle over Flurry Heart’s head and make cooing sounds. “Who’s a good hell raiser? You are. Yes you are! Anyways,” she turned back to Twilight, “yeah, it was way too cold. I mean, I’m not a wimp, but after being pregnant my hooves start to hurt in the snow. It would be such a pain to have to move to Equestria and besides, if the Crystal Empire was wiped out how would I get my crystal berry sweets?”

“Crystal berry…sweets?” Twilight said in a strangled voice.

“Yeah, they only grow in the Crystal Empire.” Chrysalis licked her lips and salivated. “Mm. Delicious. I’d destroy a nation for them, but since I’m already the ruler here, I just need to keep the kingdom intact and I get as many crystal berries as I want.”

“So…” Twilight was swaying on her feet. “So…does this mean you’re not going to try to kill us all?”

“Of course not!” Chrysalis looked at Twilight in shock. “We’re sisters now! Mind you, I was going to eat Shining Armor, but then I had some crystal berries as a snack and the rest is history! I just want to rule with peace, love, and the occasional pony for desert. But don’t worry,” Chrysalis patted Twilight on the head, “you’re family. I wouldn’t eat you.”

She paused to think and whispered in Twilight’s ear, “by the way, that means you have a lot of first cousins. I’d bring one of your lists when you visit my family, because y’know, they’re all changelings. Even I forgot which one is which sometimes.”

Twilight had nothing to say to that. Her mouth was so wide that she probably could have fit a flugelhorn inside of it.

Chrysalis turned to Starlight Glimmer who flinched, but Chrysalis only smiled at her cheerfully.

“You’re the kid who tried to reverse time, right?” Chrysalis nudged Starlight with one hoof. “Twilight told me all about your little village. Nice to see you scaled up to the big leagues. Too bad you failed, but I’ll be watching your progress with interest.”

“Um, t-thanks?” Starlight stammered.

“Now Shining, I want you to take good care of Starlight and Twilight while they’re here. We weren’t good hosts last time, so you should give your little sister a guide of the city. You reconnect with her, and I’m sure Starlight can visit Sunburst in the library.” Chrysalis nuzzled the comatose Shining Armor affectionately.

“Anyways, I’m going to drain some of our lovely citizens, dear.” Chrysalis opened the door. “Make sure to change Flurry’s diaper, and we’ll have dinner at that lovely Saddle Arabian restaurant. I’m sure the chef will taste lovely.”

The door shut. Flurry Heart giggled in her cradle, but hers was the only sound in the room.

Shining Armor stared ahead, drooling slightly, eyes unfocused. Spike and Twilight stared at the door, mouths agape.

Starlight glanced at Flurry Heart, then at Shining Armor, then at the door. She nudged Twilight and whispered, “Your sister-in-law is so cool.”