Pinkie Pie Is An Eldritch Abomination

by PonyAmorous

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 1994

Twilight's study of Pinkie's abilities lead to horrifying conclusions.

Twilight's relentless study of Pinkie's strange abilities leads to a horrifying revelation.

This site really needs an existential horror tag.

Published 2012-06-14 17:04:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-06-14 17:04:01 UTC

Pinkie Pie Is A Cosmic Horror

Twilight opened her eyes feeling dizzy and slightly nauseated. She was staring at her bedroom wall, which seemed to have developed several alarming new cracks recently. What was far more alarming however, was the fact that she couldn't remember how she had gotten there. She tried to remember what she had done after waking up that morning, but came up blank. Turning around, she noticed an unfamiliar looking journal lying on the floor. Scrawled across the cover were the words "URGENT! READ!" in her own writing. Slowly, Twilight levitated the mysterious journal over to the side of her bed where she took a seat and opened to the first page.

Research Notes On "Pinkie Sense" And Related Phenomena
Property of Twilight Sparkle

Day 1: Today I have resolved to continue investigation into the mysterious "Pinkie Sense". I am ashamed to admit that I was formerly adamant in denying its existence, even in the face of mounting experimental evidence. I let my pet hypothesis blind me to empirical results. As a scientist, I should have known better. Worse still, when I finally accepted the phenomenon as real, I neglected to do any follow up research. Such a fascinating phenomenon, with untold implications for all fields of magic as we know them, and I simply let it drop. The day a rationalist stops chasing their curiosity, stops inquiring about the world around them, that is the day they are truly dead. Today I vow to scientifically investigate as much as I am able into the possible mechanisms behind Pinkie Sense.

Summary: Pinkie Sense refers to the collection of physiological responses exhibited by subject Pinkamena Diane Pie that appear to predict the occurrence of various general events (falling objects, opening doors, etc.) in the immediate future. As Pinkie Sense obviously violates causality, books on time magic from the Starswirl The Bearded section of the archives should be consulted for preliminary research, as well as any books on the expression of earth pony magic. In addition to interview and observation of the subject, initial controlled experiments should focus on determining the maximum spatial and chronological ranges. I propose having my assistant dropping objects at randomized times and distances from the subject while I observe for physiological clues. The experiment will be double blind, as the drop schedule will remain unknown to me or the subject until it is compared with my notes after the experiment.

Day 7: Progress has been frustratingly slow. The archives provided no useful information that would help with my investigation. I had briefly theorized that the occurrence of a triggering event causes some part of the body to emit tachyons that are then detected somehow by Pinkie in the past, resulting in the physiological responses. One or more organs must act as some kind of transmitter/reciever. I would set to work calibrating a spell to try and detect tachyons, but I have not been able to reliably trigger the phenomenon. Attempts to recreate conditions in the laboratory completely failed. Not a single positive result was observed. If reactions are only triggered by genuinely "accidental" events, experimentation will be very difficult, though perhaps not impossible. It also raises another question as to how "intent" could possibly be detected. When asked why she thought the experiment had failed, Pinkie said "Well duh! Cause then it wouldn't be funny!" I ignored the statement at the time, but now I think I should follow up and ask her exactly what she meant by that.

Day 9: I talked with Pinkie again and asked her about her previous statement and why her Pinkie Sense only seemed to activate arbitrarily. She claimed that it would only happen "when someone watching would find it funny." I asked if she meant somepony in particular, but she said it had to be "one of them", and proceeded to stare at a wall for several seconds. When I asked what she was looking at, she said "the fourth wall". I'm not sure what to make of any of this, but it's probably just Pinkie being Pinkie.

Day 30: Something is very wrong. There is something, some kind of force, that doesn't want me to continue this investigation and is affecting my thinking. Looking back at my previous entry, I'm shocked. Just Pinkie being Pinkie? That's not an acceptable answer, not like me at all, and yet it has become typical. Whenever I notice a small problem or inconsistency, I feel a small pressure on my mind. A compulsion to turn away from the cognitive dissonance and think about something else. At first I thought I was just being lazy, but it has become too common lately, and I've noticed its effect on others as well. When Pinkie somehow arrives at a destination before Rainbow Dash does, even when flying full speed, even Dash dismisses it as "just Pinkie being Pinkie". It was almost three weeks ago when I refused to let my mind be turned aside one night. I fell asleep, and the next morning I had completely forgotten all about my research! It is only now, when I fortuitously found this journal again, that my memories came flooding back to me. I am starting work immediately on possible countermeasures to mind affecting magic. In the meantime, it is very much possible that I will continue to forget each night. I have added the large text to the cover of this journal and will leave it nearby where I will be forced to see it in the morning. In addition, I have added all the security and protection spells I can think of, in case this force has physical agents that would steal or destroy this journal.

Day 32: Success! An hour ago I managed to devise a counterspell to perform on myself that should protect me from this unseen manipulation. Already, I can feel my thinking getting clearer, sharper. It's like I've been under the effect of some drug that is slowly clearing out of my system. I didn't even know my perception had been dulled until now. I tried to isolate the source of the malicious magic, but it seems to be coming from everywhere at once, as if it's an integral part of the environment. I think it permeates all of Equestria! I predict that I should be fully free of its influence by the end of the day. I nervously anticipate what I will learn. I have also enchanted this journal to recast the spell on myself when I touch it in case of another lapse.

Day 33: I don't know what Pinkie is, but that...THING...is not a pony! I can't believe the things I never noticed before. That thing called Pinkie can teleport. Not the spatial blinking that I do, she just literally appears in a different place. I have also seen her popping down from above when there was nothing to hold onto. It wouldn't even be right to say she was levitating. She was just there! Even more disturbing is her ability to pop out of spaces she couldn't possibly fit into. Flowerpots, mailboxes, I even once saw her inside a mirror! I saw it before, I saw Pinkie's head and I saw the flowerpot, but somehow I just didn't SEE them together. My eyes picked up the image, but my brain never noticed that what I was seeing was impossible. She seems to twist reality wherever she goes, it even affects other ponies! Pinkie's singing was always considered just another one of her quirks. Nopony ever considered where her music was coming from. However, this pales in comparison to the fact that just last week, the entire town, including myself, participated in a giant impromptu musical number. There was music from no visible source, everypony knew the words and was perfectly on cue, and nopony ever acknowledged that it had happened afterward. Looking back, that wasn't even the first time that had happened. How long have we been breaking out into song?!

Day 34: I can barely keep a grip on my quill as I write this after what I saw today. I decided to go see it today. That ever smiling thing that pretends to be a pony. I found it staring at what it called "the fourth wall" again. I asked it what it was looking at and it simply said "the audience". I looked at the blank wall it was staring at and thought I could almost see something. Focusing harder, I saw a small flicker. It wasn't just the wall, it was the air in front of and around it, it was the entire direction that seemed to become semi-transparent. For a second I could see shadows moving across the surface. Strange bipedal shapes with outlines that seemed to be clothing were barely visible. Suddenly, for the briefest of moments, I could see them clearly. Eyes. Innumerable alien eyes staring back into my own. I screamed and ran from the building, not stopping until I was home. I've only now been able to compose myself enough to write these words. I can't ignore what I've seen, what I can remember with clarity now. The audience. The knowledge that my world is some kind of show to another, though surprising to learn, isn't quite as disturbing as one would expect. If infinite mulitverse theory is true, it should be expected that some universes would perfectly match to fictions of others. There would be a universe where the events of the Daring Do series were reality and it would be perfectly real to them. Even those monsters were probably fiction of some other universe. No, what disturbs me is that such a universe should still have internally consistent laws. That thing called Pinkie still presents a problem unless

The text ended suddenly. Twilight had stopped writing when she had realized the truth. It was the same conclusion she was reaching again at exactly the same spot as she threw the journal to the ground in horror. The truth was that it was all a big joke. The universe wasn't rational, there were no consistent and immutable laws. Science didn't actually work, it only appeared to work up to a point. Her world had been created with some cartoonish imitation of actual natural laws, and Pinkie was the wink and nod to the audience to remind them that it shouldn't be taken too seriously. The life work of every academic in all of history had been a cruel joke. They had dedicated their lives to understanding the natural world and preserving the knowledge for the future. What was the point if all it really came down to was what was entertaining? She thought back to the years she had spent studying astronomy, magic, every other field of science. It had all been a lie and beings in another universe were laughing at her adorably naive attempts to understand the world around her.

Twilight turned and slammed a hoof into the nearby wall, adding another crack to its surface. The world around her began to spin. It was too much to handle. She could feel her sanity slipping away. Soon she would be a gibbering pile on the floor. If only she could go back to before she knew what she knew. Back to having fun with her friends and studying magic and friendship. A desperate idea crossed her mind. She could wipe her memory, purge everything she read in the accursed journal, but she had to do it now, while she still clung to enough of her sanity to cast the spell. Closing her eyes and summoning magic to her horn, everything flashed white.

Twilight opened her eyes feeling dizzy and slightly nauseated. She was staring at her bedroom wall, which seemed to have developed several alarming new cracks recently. What was far more alarming however, was the fact that she couldn't remember how she had gotten there.