Unicorn Horns Are Loaded With Calories

by QuickFics

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, Mrs. Cake, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Mr. Cake, Slice of Life
Length: 1115

Pinkie discovers the unhealthy downside to licking unicorn horns. But it's a little too late now...

The day after her horn-licking binge, Pinkie doesn't feel like her usual hyperactive self. As it turns out, unicorn horns are very unhealthy.

Written for ocalhoun's Big 250k Contest.

Published 2016-03-27 03:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-27 03:00:01 UTC

What Happened?

“Ahhh…” Pinkie yawned, stretching her forelegs and climbing out of bed. This seemed to take a lot more effort than usual – ordinarily, she would leap right out of bed and get going on some new way of making her friends smile, but today she just couldn’t get herself to do it.

Smacking her lips two or three times, she wondered what had gotten into her. Was she sick? She didn’t really feel sick – she just felt…lethargic. Of course, “lethargic” in her case still amounted to about the same amount of energy as any other pony would normally have at this time of day, but still…

Walking at a decidedly not-hyperactive pace, she headed downstairs to see what was for breakfast. She was pretty hungry – perhaps getting something to eat would be enough to perk her back up. When she arrived in the kitchen, the Cake family was already preparing to eat breakfast. Mrs. Cake was in the middle of getting a bottle of formula ready for Pound Cake, who was looking at Pumpkin Cake (who already had a bottle) with a slight hint of jealousy. Or that was how it seemed, at least – could babies feel jealousy? Pinkie wasn’t quite sure.

“Good morning, Pinkie,” Mrs. Cake said, still looking in the other direction, but assuming that the hoofsteps must belong to her (even if they were louder than normal). “You really slept in today! Don’t you usually…” As she turned around to give Pound Cake his bottle, she saw Pinkie and immediately trailed off. “What…what happened to you?” she asked, feeling rude for asking this so bluntly but unsure what else to say. It couldn’t exactly be ignored, after all.

“What do you mean?” Pinkie asked.

“Um…” Mrs. Cake said, then paused for a moment. “Never mind.” Mr. Cake had also turned to look by this point, seeming as though he might speak up instead, but Mrs. Cake shook her head. She hoped Pinkie didn’t notice.

The rest of breakfast went by without incident, but Pinkie still didn’t feel much better even after the meal of muffins and apple juice. It just seemed difficult for her to move as quickly as she normally would, and she didn’t know why.

Maybe her friends could help her? They were all going to meet at Sweet Apple Acres in just a few minutes to spend some time together, so she figured that she should head on over. But once again, she found that she wasn’t nearly as fast as usual. She apparently should have given herself more time to get over there, because for the first time ever, she might actually be late! She’d hate to let her friends down like that, but sadly she didn’t think there was anything she could do about it.

As she hurried down the street, her heart pounding and her breathing heavy, pony after pony turned and looked at her in confusion. Some of them even seemed disgusted. “Wow, she really let herself go,” one pony said in a whisper that wasn’t as quiet as he probably thought it was. Pinkie felt very hurt by this, though she still wasn’t sure why. Why wouldn’t anypony tell her what was wrong?

Finally, she arrived at Sweet Apple Acres – at least fifteen minutes behind schedule. Trying to catch her breath, she said, “I’m…here.” Her friends stared at her in silence for a moment, wondering how to approach the elephant in the room.

Did Twilight put on a few pounds? Pinkie wondered absentmindedly. Surely not – she had seen her just yesterday, and there wouldn’t have been enough time for that. It must just be a trick of the light or something.

“Pinkie…” Twilight started.

“I’m so sorry!” Pinkie said. “I wasn’t trying to be late, but I just don’t feel like myself today. I don’t know what’s gotten into me…”

After another moment of silence, Rainbow Dash couldn’t take it anymore. “You got fat!” she exclaimed, and burst out laughing. She tried to stop, afraid that it would hurt Pinkie’s feelings even more, but it was just too funny.

“I…what?” Pinkie asked. Twilight levitated a mirror so that Pinkie could see herself, and now the problem was clear. “What?! How did I not notice that? I must have gained a hundred pounds!” She poked at her flab with a hoof and it sank right in, causing a small jiggling ripple to radiate from the spot.

“Yeah…” Applejack said. “Twilight told us that something like that might have happened, but I didn’t really believe it until I saw it with my own two eyes.”

“But don’t worry, Pinkie, you’re still our friend,” Fluttershy said. “This won’t change that.”

Pinkie was in shock. She had always been such a fit, healthy pony, and now she was basically obese. “What happened?” she asked sadly, assuming that Twilight must know the answer if she had already guessed that this would have happened to her.

“Well, I did some research into the properties of unicorn horns,” Twilight started, “And I found something rather unexpected. Of course, the fact that they had flavors at all was unexpected, but this was even more surprising. Unicorn horns don’t just taste like candy – they’re actually very fattening.”

“What?” Pinkie asked. She was starting to have an inkling as to what had happened, but she didn’t fully understand.

“It seems to be part of a unicorn’s natural defense system. Each lick adds about ten pounds,” Twilight said, then gestured to her own slightly-larger-than-normal belly. “I licked Princess Celestia’s horn – with permission, of course – and look at me now. There is a bit of a delayed effect, obviously. And you licked…a lot of ponies’ horns.”

“Can I ever get back to normal?” Pinkie asked, assuming that there must have been some magic involved - ponies should not be able to gain so much weight so quickly - and thus unsure whether exercise and good nutrition would fix the problem or not. "I need to be in tip-top shape to host the best Pinkie parties!" Though it might not seem like it, preparing for and throwing parties could be a lot of work.

“I think so,” Twilight said. “I haven’t exactly gotten a chance to test that theory yet, but for now, I think we should all be agreed – no more licking anypony’s horns, even with permission.” Everypony nodded – even Pinkie.

“Alright, well, now that that’s settled, who’s ready for the Running of the Leaves?” Applejack asked. They were all signed up, and it was taking place that very afternoon.

Pinkie groaned. Losing all this weight was going to take forever.

The End