Cadence, please... no...

by MrConradTheDuck

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy
Length: 4068

A collection of stories revolving around a certain pink alicorn princess who trolls Twilight to the brink of insanity!

Have you ever had a friend, who despite knowing them your entire life you find out one day that in reality they are just the worst kinds of people? Well, if not, then watch as Twilight enters that very waking nightmare as Cadence, for some reason, puts Twilight through sheer madness! Will Twilight succumb to Cadences overgrowing insanity, or will Cadence relent and allow Twilight to return to a healthy state? Probably not!

In the end, Twilight can only ask "Cadence, please... no..."

Published 2016-03-27 22:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-27 22:20:01 UTC

Cadence, please... Stop talking like that...

Today was a good day, this was something Twilight was sure of. To begin, breakfast. A big plate of Spikes delicious pancakes loaded with fresh strawberries and blueberries yum! And don’t forget the piles of thick gooey syrup! Than after that, the glorious sound of no day court. Being an Alicorn Princess has it’s perks, but some days you want to just curl up in bed with a book or five. After not having court Twilight was able to spend just that little extra time on her research in the lab and even got a visit from her friends! They were as fun and excitable as ever. However, the best had yet to come as the best babysitter ever was coming by to see her, Cadance! Not just a babysitter, but her step-sister at that, it was going to be great.

Eventually, as Twilight watched the kettle of tea she’d been preparing for her step-sisters arrival, she heard a series of knocks at her door “She’s here!” She exclaimed to herself as she teleported to the door to see…

Well, Twilight wasn’t sure. It looked like Cadence, colorful mane and pink fur and all. But she was definitely different. First was her teeth, which were now plated in gold and diamonds. Then came the large shades adorning her face and the cloth tied off at the back on her head with matching hat, backwards of course. Finally was a baggy sweatshirt under of which was a white, sleeveless tank top. Blinking twice, Twilight coughed politely into her hoof “Oh… Cadence, it’s uh… is this new? It’s very uh…”

Grabbing the smaller alicorn in a hug, Cadance pat Twilight twice on her back “Wuz good g, how’s it goin’ homie, ain’t seen ya in foreva man. Why you don’t come round tha hood like you used to man?”

The first thing Twilight noticed, and the most egregious thing, was Cadences use of the word ‘Ain’t’ which caused Twilight to recoil back like Frankencolt from fire or a vampony from the sun. Next was… the rest. Something about it was wrong, dirty, like merely exiting her polite, girly mouth was liable to cause small tears in the fabric of reality “Cadance, uh, why are you talking like that?” She asked with a forced smile, pushing herself away

Frowning Cadance threw her hooves up “Oh I see, cuz you went and got you some kinda degree and became a princess you too good for tha lil’ homies down on the block man, is that it?”

Shocked, Twilight blushed “N-no of course not, you know I don’t feel that way!”

“Really cus? Than why you ain’t showin’ yo’self round the block. Yo man, DeQuan been a mess since you left, that’s messed up ah thought you and DeQuan was tight g.” Cadance spoke with a certain drawl that could only be described as unrefined, her teeth almost always showing as she spoke as if she were attempting to emphasize her strange decoration

“Wha- who is DeQuan?” She asked confused, sweat now dripping down her brow

Pushing Twilight light on the chest Cadance began to walk in “Oh, so you forgot yo homie DeQuan that it? Yall two use’ta roll deep back in tha day, especially when yo pops left man, he was like a brotha to you and you fenna just forget him man?”

“I-I-I don’t… I don’t…” smile slowly crumbling, Twilight looked about nervously

Holding her hooves up, arms waving lightly “You know wha, ah see how you is, You always thought you wuz too good for tha hood, always tryna get out even when we used to run tha block you acted all high and mighty cuz you didn’t get pregnant at 13 like Seniqua.”

Despite her own best judgement, Twilight asked “Who… is Seniqua?”

Scoffing Cadance said “You know Seniqua, Andre baby sister, yo she still have a fat booty tho know what I’m sayin’ g. Mph, girl still know how ta work it man, baby girl hella sexy.”

Blushing and short of breath Twilight blustered out “Cadance what’s wrong with you?”

Shrugging Cadance looked off to the side “Nuthin’ man, jus, ain’t been the same without you. You know g, since you left the crew ain’t holdin’ too tight. But ey, I came to visit, see mah old g know what I’m sayin. Yo, you still keep that good good on you, them swisher sweets man.” She elbowed the confused Twilight lightly

“I, uh, have cake?”Twilight offered

Smiling, Cadance bobbed her head and looked over Twilight’s head as if trying to see whatever was behind her “Oh shit you got some ‘cake’ huh, ah see. Is that why you ain’t lettin me in, you got you a bad bitch in there. Yo man you should let me see dat fat ass doe.”

“Oh my goodness!” Twilight blurted out as Cadance pushed passed, a massive blush on her face

“Ey yo, by the way man. Ah brought my mix tape, shit’s fresh man, straight bars fer muh fuggin day g, feel me? We out here reppin’ tha east side baby, wuz good.” Cadence announced with a hoot as she produce a small, clear case with a disk in it

“E-east?” At this point, Twilight could take no more as she stared incredulously “East? You’re from the frozen South! We’re not even in east Equestria, we’re in central, what are you even talking about!” She yelped, though this seemed to anger Cadence as she turned back around

“What, you don’t rep no mo? After all we did fa you? You grew up on the east side, when yo pops left-” she began only to be interrupted by Twilight

“I grew up in Canterlot! With my parents! Including my dad, he’s still here!” She yelled flailing her hooves around

“Oh, so now he back you fenna kiss his ass. Where wuz he when yo moms was workin’ at that strip joint-” Twilight interrupted again

“WE’RE ALWAYS NAKED!” She slammed her hooves on the ground

“Where was he when you was hungry on the street and we had to take yo ass to by new clean kicks man, remember that? We got you dem nike fresh sneaks with the lights.” She argued, though her argument held about as much water as the fiery core of the sun

“Sneaks? Hung- he was there, feeding me, because he never left!” Twilight’s eye was now visibly twitching

“Man, you changed Twilight, you used to be down with the g’s in tha hood. That’s messed up man.” Cadance sniffed, sounding as if ready to cry “Man, why you gotta be actin’ like this man, you know shits fucked up man, you know my moms just died man.”

Holding her hooves to her mouth, Twilight felt tears stinging at the corner of her eyes “N-not aunty Heartstrings.” Twilight sniffled, trying to hold strong for what was clearly a distraught and emotionally crippled Cadence “This all makes sense now, oh you poor thing, how’d it happen?”

Sniffling again, Cadance answered with a shaky voice “Man, they killed her man. Shot her dead on the 404 man, those fuckin’ west side mutha fuckas man they shot mah momma man.” Wiping a tear away Cadance began again “But that why I’m here man, we fenna roll on them tonight man, they killed our homie Shoestring but now they killin’ our mommas man, they gotta go, we ridin’ tonight boy.”

As Twilight’s heart fell into her stomach as she listened to Cadances, initially, heartbreaking news she felt the deep sting of loss and sadness melt into fury as she glared with enough venomous intent to take down a bull elephant “You’re making this up aren’t you?’

Pushing Twilight on the chest again Cadence got aggressive “Yo man, why you actin’ like this. Ah thought we rolled deep, momma, she took care of you and you fenna let them take her out like that. What’s wrong with you man, why you actin’ like you got no love for the hood no more?”

Thoroughly done with everything about this conversation Twilight's horn glowed a bright purple as she teleported away, her body sent careening through space and time as she appeared right in the middle of Celestia’s court.

“Oh, Princess Twilight, how can I - woah!” The princess was yanked away from her tea and conversation as she and Twilight returned to Twilight’s home in a flash of explosive energy.

“She’s possessed or something!” Twilight pointed accusingly to the pink alicorn.

Looking at Cadance, Celestia examined her intensely. Eyes narrowed to slits as she stroked her chin thoughtfully. “I see…” she hummed before raising a hoof, hers Cadence’s colliding before they were brought into a tight hug “Wuz good homie, long time no see!” She said causing Twilight’s mouth to hang wide open as her eyes went white, what appeared to be a soul slowly attempting to free itself from her mortal bonds

“Wuz good wuz good g, Celestia man what you been up to?” Cadance said releasing the hug

“Man, dealin’ wit deez punk as muh fuckas at court man, know what I’m sayin.’ Yo, is that grill new though, ol’ girl lookin fresh, clean boy hoo!” The royal white alicorn adopted the strange dialect with a quickness, falling into it like second nature

Smiling, Cadance proudly nodded her head “Yeah g, fresh ah know, just got’em in a few months back ya feel me. “

“Ah feel you dog, gotta keep clean boy, yo you still spit?” She asked casually

“Fa sho man, I just put down a new mix tape, wanna hear this fire man?” Cadance replied producing the case once more

“Hell ya man, we can blaze it up and get some 40’s up in this joint,”

By now, Twilight had bundled herself into fetal position, eyes dilated, heart pounding like the endless stomping of hooves that crashed against her fragile mind like hail on a window. Hair now frizzled, feathers all out of sorts as if she hadn’t preened in months as she rocked back and forth, a fit of giggling over taking her as she shook “Mmmmmmmmm-” she hummed anxiously as she fought to breath

“Yo Twilight, we rollin’ up or not man?” Cadance asked from the other room eliciting another panic induced moan from the mare

“Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm-” her rocking increasing in pace

Waddling in next to her, Spike looked down at Twilight, the latter looking up hopefully to the small purple dragon with bright eyes, prayers that her madness would end with his next sentence. Smiling and waving, the kindly dragon sniffed loudly “Wuz up g?” He said with a nod, sending Twilight's mind further and further into the abyss as the loud whistling of finished tea pierced itself into her brain

“MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM-”

Cadence, please... put the popcorn down...

Twilight hadn’t been expecting her strange visit from Cadence last week, nor was she expecting it to leave her a pile on the floor crying for the remainder of her visit. However, as the pink princess departed, her mind slowly regained its clarity as she chalked up the strange encounter as some sort of natural phenomenon, like a thunderstorm, or earthquake. The non-pony produced kind of course. Still, time had healed her and from what she’s heard Cadence has been acting normally, almost as if nothing happened. To her, it makes more sense that this was a product of Discord and not her beloved step-sister.

Waking up with a yawn, Twilight rose from her slumber, smiling and looking through bleary eyes at who she thought at first was Spike. However, as her sleepy eyes grew clear she instead saw a blank faced Cadence, staring dead into Twilight's own eyes, a bag of popcorn at her side as she slowly levitated a single piece into her mouth. Tongue reaching out to allow the buttery treat to stick to her before drawing it back, teeth closing around it in such a despicably slow way as to allow Twilight to hear every slow, lazy crunch, eye contact never breaking, not even once.

After what seemed like a full minute of slow munching, Cadence swallowed the piece, levitating another piece and popping it in, the crunch of the food so much slower and more… unsettling than the last as she stood over top her small purple stepsister without a hint of emotion. Finally, as the awkward staring persisted Twilight, despite the screaming in her head begging for her not to ask, still indulged her curiosity “What are you doing?”

Cadence, finishing the slow chewing of her last piece, drew her lips into a wide unsettling curl, eyes stretched to their limit, the pupils mere pinpricks as she said “I’m going to eat this popcorn, one piece at a time, very slowly and I’ll be staring you dead in the eyes with every piece.” With that she slowly raised another piece to her mouth, and as if in slow motion, closed her mouth around it, this time suckling the piece of its salt and butter before beginning long drawn out chewings.

With a soft whimper, Twilight could only meek out a weak “Why?” Which Cadence replied to with another, terrifying smile before swallowing her current piece.

Popping in the next piece, Cadence continued her awkward stare. Having to actually work that day, Twilight regrettably pulled herself from her bed, her head turning only for her vision to be filled with pink as Cadence moved to maintain her awkward staring and eating. Gulping loudly, Twilight began moving to her bathroom, Cadence walking backwards in step as to continue watching Twilights eyes that darted about to attempt to break the contact, however Cadence predicted each move and never let it break for even a single second.

With no choice but to abide by Cadences strange behaviour, Twilight dejectedly reached her bathroom, coughing into her hoof as she opened the door “So, I’m going to be in there.” She smiled weakly, only for Cadence to finish and replace another piece “Sooo…” Twilight moved forward with Cadence backing up into the bathroom “Maybe some privacy.” *crunch crunch crunch* “Oh...ok…” she muttered as she continued in, first sitting in frot of her mirror which was obstructed by the eating mare “Cadence *crunch* maybe you could *crunch* just for a *crunch* Cadence please.”

Cadence blinked “...”

Twilight blinked “...”

…

…

…

…

*Crunch*

“Cadence!” Twilight threw her hooves up

*Crunch*

Now crying “Cadence!”

*Crunch*

“Oh….MY GOD!” Twilight shouted picking up her brush in her magic, dooing her best to look past her fellow alicorn as she struggled to clean up her mane. Eventually after a stressful ten minutes of constant mocking crunching she threw her brush down “Fine!” She shouted trotting into the bathtub, Cadence entering first with her plot against the wall. Using her magic to turn the water on, Twilight moved to face the showerhead, feeling something slide beneath her. Looking down she saw Cadence staring up at her from her back, a new piece entering her mouth “How’s your popcorn not getting soggy?” She asked, turning to the bag slowly floating outside the shower “Right.”

Letting the water rain over her, Twilight did her best to wash as Cadence continued to move and stare, her own body becoming soaked by the water. Eventually, Twilight smiled and smugly spoke “I’ll just close my eyes, so nyah!” She proclaimed, doing just that as her vision was enveloped in darkness. Happy to be free for but a moment she began to scrub her body with soap, the suds soaking comfortably into her fur “Ah~” she exhaled, however, as she washed two pink ears manifested at the bottom of the blackness, only for them to raise up and reveal Cadence who, with a loud crunch, consumed a new piece of popcorn.

“I’m in your head.” Cadences voice whispered, forcing Twilight to open her eyes in panic, tossing the soap into the air for a moment before it landed on her horn, stuck in place as she finished her panic by slipping onto her back. As she slowly recovered from her fall, Twilight meagerly opened her eyes to see Cadence still staring *crunch*.

Having had enough, Twilight turned off the water and teleported to her room, turning to lock the bathroom door with a slam before piling her dresser, bed and desk in front of it “Hah!” She cheered, turning for the exit only for Cadence to be standing right there, same dead look as another piece entered her muzzle. “H-how… why? Mmmmmmmm-” her panic induced moaning returning. Pausing in place, Twilight inhaled in much the same manner that the mare now torturing her had once taught her. “You know what, it’s fine. I’ll just ignore you.”

She couldn’t ignore her.

Despite her best attempts, she couldn’t keep Cadence from her attention. When she brushed her teeth she was there, staring, chewing loudly. At breakfast, it was the same, she just sat there, lifeless, devoid of any emotion or movement save for when she opened her mouth to crunch and munch and eat that damned popcorn. Eventually, Twilight attempted to rip the popcorn from the magic of Cadence, struggling and pulling, breathing heavy while sweat drenched her face for almost an hour. She’d taken magical bolts, chairs, tables, fireballs and even her own assistant, Spike, at the bag but somehow failed to as much make it budge as piece after piece was slowly consumed by the other princess.

Soon came a knocking on the dining room door, a guard asking “Princess, is day court still schedu-” he stopped, staring at the now destroyed room as smoke billowed from the several small fires that, miraculously, consumed the crystal around before retreating.

“Ugh, I have court!” Twilight moaned, walking away as Cadence walked in front of her.

Soon Twilight was seated on her throne, Cadence in front of her eating still as she was approached by another guard “Excuse me, but, is Princess Cadence joining you?”

Twilight attempted to turn to the guard, but he was blocked by the tenacious alicorn in front of her. Sighing, Twilight shook her head “Just… just call them in.” she spoke defeatedly. Soon, a hoof full of ponies entered the room, many curiously murmuring to themselves in confusion of the other alicorns presence “Hello my subjects, please step forward and-”

“Why is Cadence here?” A rather, let’s say dim,’ pony known as Caramel asked loudly

“Oh, uh… to… watch?” She offered weakly to which the ponies in the room just shrugged acceptingly.

Sighing with relief, Twilight was astounded that they so easily believed her that it sort of made this day a little less awful. Stepping forward, Caramel was the first to receive council, which went on to sour the small window of not torment she was able to breath through. “Princess, I have a problem.” Caramel said with a wave of his hoof in a sing songy way that was both cute and annoying

“Yes, well that is why you’re here Caramel, what’s wrong?” Twilight asked trying to peer at the colt from over Cadance

“Well, last night I fell and now my hoof hurts.” He spoke loudly

Still smiling Twilight replied “Caramel, I’m not the doctor remember?”

Caramel moved to look past the other princess “You’re not?”

Shaking her head Caramel tapped his chin in thought “Oh! I wasn’t here for that.”

The corners of Twilight's mouth twitched briefly “Than what do you need?” She attempted to sound peppy and cheerful

“Umm…” he hummed in thought.

While the stallion pondered as much as a stallion of his, erm, ability could ponder, Cadence was now onto another piece of popcorn. Unlike the last pieces, she started by slowly extending her tongue and lapping at the buttery hide of the piece, making it a point to slurp with each lick, turning it and moving it to lick at new spots all while maintaining her stare. Now free of any butter, Cadence put the soggy piece into her mouth and suckled softly, mouth wide with each chew as Twilight was forced to watch every bite, every flick of the tongue as the piece was ground into mush, the display and the stallions thinking lasting almost 5 minutes.

Twilight held her hoof to her mouth as if to throw up, her stomach turning from the awkward display as Caramel finished his thinking “I remember!” He shouted

Groaning, both from sickness and annoyance, Twilight feigned perkiness “Yes Caramel?”

“I lost my keys!” He said proudly, a large dumb smile on his face.

From the eldritch beyond I am and always will be, from the murky darkness in between stars I will bleed out over the light and consume hope. R’la icthung t’lay. R’la icthung t’lay. Praise me and my unborn cruelty, bow before each of my thousand feet, taking blessing from each of my thousand hands, and heed worship to each of my thousand heads, and be gazed upon by each of my thousand eyes. I am the olden one, birthed before sleep, conceived before thought, R’la icthung t’lay.

Twilight’s eye began to twitch in rapid succession as the beaming stallion and torturous mare continued to rend at her poor fragile mind. Cackling, Twilight fell to her side, Cadence falling at her side, eyes still locked in the eternal struggle against Twilight’s rational mind “Keys, keys, KEYS. AHAHAHA KEYS. HE FORGOT HIS KEYS!” She yelled, the other ponies taking this as their cue to consider investing in new property as they piled out of the room. “And the crunching crunching CRUNCHING. CRUNCHY MUNCHY BUTTERY FUN, OPEN A BAG OF YUM!” She sang loudly as Cadence took a new piece into her mouth

“And you!” She pointed at Cadence “YOU! What exactly do you have to say for yourself.”

…

…

…

…

...

…

…

…

…

...

…

…

…

…

...

*Crunch*

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-” Twilight screamed, dashing into the air with the force of a comet “You wanna eat mother bucker, eat this!” She shouted horn aglow as she lifted the majority of ponyville's building in her magic before sending the whole of the mass careening into the castle. Wood splintered and cracked, small chunks sent flying through the air as dozens of homes turned into woodchips that scattered the ground, the terrifying screams of mares and foals filled the streets as their princess cackled madly. Following the terrible sound of impacting wood was the horrible screech of cracking, scratching crystal as it fell apart piece by piece before being reduced to small shards. As the assault on her own home reached it’s conclusion, Twilight summoned a microcosm in the center of the destruction before detonating it, causing a massive explosion one could see from Canterlot!

Huffing from sheer over exertion, Twilight landed, smiling wildly, as she twitched and giggled in demented delight. However, as the dust settled her smile faltered “Oh no…” she looked at her now destroyed home, as well as those of her subjects before falling onto her rump “Oh gosh no!” She began to tear up and sniffle “What have I done? Cadance, my guards, my subjects! Oh no, oh no oh no oh no! Spike was in there, oh, oh gosh.” Closing her eyes she began to bawl weakly “What have I done? She only wanted to spend time with me in her own unique way, and Caramel, I know he’s not very smart. Oh, how could I be so cru-”

*poke*

Twilights heart skipped a beat as she opened her eyes, vision trailing up the pink stomach and barrel of a much taller pony, small locks of multicolored hair at the corners of her sight as her gaze eventually moved to look up at Cadence who had behind her Caramel, Spike and the rest of the castle staff.

....

…

…

…

…

...

*Crunch*

Twilight’s eye twitched once more, a smile on her face as she locked eyes with the other princess who dropped the bag flat on it’s bottom, a strange jingling coming from it “All done, buh bye Twily.” She said cutely before trotting off with a bounce in her step.

Looking into the bag, Caramel smiled brightly and dug into it before pulling away “Look, my keys, thanks princess!” She said before walking away himself

Trembling and twitching, Twilight fell onto her side, curling up into fetal position “MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM-”