Milking This Joke For All It's Worth
Author's Note
Rated mature because I have NO idea what the rules are on udders.
Milking This Joke For All It's Worth
You meander your way down the stairs of your home, yawning deeply. With one hand rubbing the sand from your eyes, you use the other take care of that itch on your behind. It's another typical morning. As typical as possible anyway, for living in Trottingham.
Life could be better, but it could certainly be worse. Trottingham is quiet. Much quieter than Ponyville anyway. Despite supposedly being a quiet, rural town, things get downright crazy there. This's much better. Luck would have it that you even found a roommate to move in with.
To be frank, she's great! She pays the rent, does the dishes, vacuums the floors. Pretty much everything a good roommate could do. Hell, the two of you didn't even get awkward when you woke up in the same bed after drinking too much. For a fairly normal earth pony, Milky Way is pretty awesome.
Except, underneath that blue mane and soft yellow fur, there it one thing that makes living with her a test of your patience.
You put one pink, fuzzy bunny slipper in front of another and stop in front of the refrigerator. You open it wide, letting the cool air press against your skin and the light spill out into the kitchen.
"Having breakfast?" comes a sudden voice from the living room.
With a jump, you turn to your roommate.
"Oh, uh. Yeah. Just gettin’ my day started. Why are you up?" you ask.
"Oh, you know. No reason," she says, trailing off.
You frown, knowing the footprints that lie along this road before. Looking back to the fridge, you take an inventory of your groceries.
No eggs. No bagels. No yogurt.
"Huh... I'm running low on supplies..." you mutter under your breath.
Milky leaps off the couch and trots over to the kitchen with a wide smile on her face. You cast her a glance, then close the refrigerator. Stepping to the counter, you open a cabinet and find 16 boxes of cereal.
"When did we get so much cereal?" you ask flatly.
"Oh, uh. There was a sale. You can have some, of course."
You sigh, closing the cabinet door.
"Do we even have milk?" you ask.
"Well it's funny you should ask that!" Milky says with a wide smile.
You move back to the fridge.
"Milk that isn't gross."
"My milk isn't gross!" Milky retorts, stamping a hoof and looking at her puffy pink udder. "It's organic."
"It's still coming from you."
"So? It's called being resourceful."
You shake your head and check the fridge for any sort of milk. Of course, that gallon you bought at the store a week ago is gone.
"Hey, did something happen to my milk?" you ask.
"What milk?" Milky asks.
"I bought a carton of milk at the store."
"Oh! It went bad. So I put it in the milking room so I can refill it."
You stare at her. She stares at you.
"What?"
"Don't. Please don't?"
"Why?" she asks, tilting her head.
"I don't want to drink your milk, Milky."
"But all sorts of ponies drink my milk. And they love it!"
"Right, and that's cool. All for you for having a good business. But it's just... fucking weird to me."
"Hey, language."
"Just sayin'."
You close the door to the fridge.
"I'm just going to have toast and coffee."
"O-oh," she says sadly. "A-alright."
You flip on the coffee maker and it begins to brew some of that morning gold. Grabbing a loaf of bread hidden behind eight boxes of cereal, you pop two pieces in the toaster and lean against the counter, staring at your roommate intently. She reaches to a different cupboard and pulls out two mugs. She holds one out for you.
"Here."
You take it and set it beside you on the counter.
"Thanks."
She takes her other mug and places it underneath one of the teats of her udder. You instinctively look away as you hear the gentle squirt of milk hitting porcelain.
"Jesus, do you need to do that right here?"
"What? This is completely natural."
"Yes, but... shit. Can you give me at least a warning or something?"
"Not if you keep using foul language in my apartment."
You groan, turning to the coffee pot.
"Are you done yet?"
"Just a second."
You watch the coffee drip down into the pot and blink sleepily. This shit is taking too long. Moving the coffee pot off the receiver, you put your mug underneath the stream. The cup begins to fill with that bitter, black delight. Once it's nearly full, you pull the cup out of the way and replace the pot.
“Alright, it's full."
Turning back to your roommate, she smiles up at you.
"Hey, do you-"
"No, I do not need cream for my coffee."
She furrows her brow at you.
"I wasn't going to say that."
"Oh really?"
She sits at the table, putting her milk in front of her. Folding her front hooves, she looks away from you.
"As a matter of fact, yes."
"Then what were you going to say?"
She pauses, looks towards you, then away again.
"I forgot."
You chuckle, turning back to your toast.
"I'm sure."
"Losing your train of thought is a real thing. It's damaged lives, you know."
With a sigh, you set your coffee on the counter and focus your attention on the toast. Grabbing a plate, you pop the toast out, head to the cupboard for peanut butter, grab a knife, and add a small layer of spread onto your breakfast. Putting the knife in the sink you grab your mug of milk and-
"God damn it, Milky."
Milky looks at you with innocent eyes.
"What?"
Stomping to the table with your breakfast, you take the mug of coffee in front of Milky and put the milk back in front of her.
"Stop it. I don't want to drink your milk."
"But why?! You've lived here for almost two months and you've -never- tried the one thing that helps me make a living."
"And I'm sure it's great, but-"
"But what?" Milky asks, waving her hooves in the air. "Why won't you try it. Just a little bit! Just satiate my curiosity."
"I don't want to."
"Whhhyyyy?!"
"It just seems weird."
You take a bite of your toast as she slams her head to the table.
"But I neeeeeed this."
"You aren't making this any less weird."
"Why is it weird?!" Milky exclaims.
"Well. I dunno. First of all, ponies aren't supposed to have udders."
Milky folds her hooves and shoots you a look of disgust.
"That's racist."
You shake your head and take another bite.
"I dunno," you say with your mouth full. "It just seems... weirdly sexual. And not in the good way. In more of the 'wash the taste down with bleach' kinda way."
"How would you know if you haven't tried it?" she asks.
"Well, I'll just have to live without knowing."
Milky sighs, resting her head on the table with ears turned down and letting her hooves hang limply in the air. Silence fills the room with the exception of the crunch of your chewing. She looks up at you, then stares. You stare back.
"Just a sip?" she asks.
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"Come on, I said please."
"Please give me a million bits."
"Now you're just being absurd."
"No, you're being absurd."
"That comeback expired, like, two years ago," Milky retorts.
Silence fills the room as you take another bite. She leans over the table towards you.
"I'll pay your rent for the month."
You look at her stoically.
"Really?" you ask flatly.
"Two months," she states.
You continue chewing.
"Three?"
You swallow your bite.
"Three months and you never ask me to drink it again," you say.
"Deal," she says.
She pushes the cup of her white liquid closer to you. You grab the handle of the cup and raise the drink to your nose and sniff it. Surprisingly, you can detect subtle vanilla overtones and a distinct aroma of sweetness coming off the drink. Who knew that milk could smell like anything other than... well, milk.
Bringing the cup to your lips, you take a small sip. The creamy liquid pours into your mouth and is quite refreshing. Your whole mouth goes into a wave of ecstasy as you're reminded of the taste of melted vanilla ice cream. You allow your lips to part, accepting more into your mouth.
"That's right. Take it you whore," Milky whispers under her breath.
The liquid flies out of your mouth in your best sprinkler imitation and soaks her from head to toe.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!"
"Oh, come on, I was joking!"
You rise from the table, throwing your hands in the air.
"NOPE! Fuck this."
"It couldn't have been that bad! Just a little more. I promise not to be weird. I can be quiet."
"Nooooo way!"
"I'm going to tell everypony that you're a spitter. See how far that takes you."
You head down to your room and slam the door to your bedroom. The apartment goes silent as Milky looks down to the glass in front of her. She downs the whole mug in one gulp and smiles, a thin milk mustache on her face. Stepping down from the chair, she lets out a light belch and licks the mustache away.
"You realize since you didn’t swallow, I'm not actually paying your rent, right?"
"I. HATE YOU. SO MUCH."
