Why Discord Hates Babies

by MrAquino

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Cadance, Comedy, Fluttershy, Shining Armor, Discord, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Flurry Heart
Length: 2360

Discord babysits Flurry Heart. Unplanned chaos ensues.

After learning that Discord avoided the Hospital, where Rainbow Dash learns that she's pregnant, Fluttershy asks why he didn't come. Turns out, Discord has a huge disliking of babies, all thanks to a job he took to babysit Flurry Heart while Cadence and Shining Armor were away.

Published 2016-03-28 22:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-28 22:40:02 UTC

Babies are Evil

"Discord? Are you here?" Fluttershy asked meekly. It was their weekly meeting with each other, but today, Fluttershy had to meet Rainbow Dash, as she found out she was pregnant. Many years had passed since their friendships were made, Discord's reformation being one of them, and he was always excited to meet Fluttershy every week, but today, he was gone. Fluttershy entered her house, seeing Discord, the lord of Chaos, sitting at a corner. "There you are! Oh, have you heard? Rainbow Dash is-"

"She's Pregnant, I know." Discord interrupted with a hiss in his voice.

"Uh... Discord? Is there something wrong?" He turned around and pointed at himself.

"Who!? Me!? Something's wrong with me? There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just sooo glad that Dash is getting herself a foal! Next thing I know, Applejack will get herself one, followed by Pinkie, the fancy one, the princess, and... you." Fluttershy walked to him and put a hoof on his knee.

"Are you feeling alone, Discord?"

"Alone!? No! I'm not alone! In fact, I'm fine; I don't know any other Draconequis out there, and even if I do meet one... I'd rather not."

"Uh... ok. Care to tell me what's wrong?"

"What's wrong? Nothing's wrong, Fluttershy. Nothing at all."

"Discord, it's okay to tell me the truth."

"...You really want to know?" Fluttershy nodded. "Oh... well... it's not the fact you're all growing up, that I can deal with... but... it's something else."

"...You fear we'll pass away?"

"What!? No! I hate babies."

"Discord!"

"I'm being honest. I hate babies."

"...Why do you hate babies? Weren't you one?"

"Of course I was a baby, but I hate babies because of... a job I took."

"...You babysat for someone?"

"Yes, but let's just say that it didn't go as well as I'd like it to be."

"Care to tell me who it was for and what happened?"

"...Only for you, Fluttershy. It was for Cadence and Shining Armor-"

"You were in the Crystal Empire!?"

"Yes, I was, but, as I was saying..."

A few weeks after the Crystalling

Shining Armor paced in circles as Cadence rocked Flurryheart.

"Are you sure about this?" Shining Armor asked "I don't want him to turn Flurryheart into... Discord Jr."

"Relax, Shining," Cadence replied "I have something that will prevent something from that happening."

"Is there anyone else available? Can't Sunburst babysit?"

"He's out with Starlight to catch up with each other. Besides, you know Twilight's always on some adventure with her friends."

"I know, but I just wished anypony can help."

"There's no pony, but ANYBODY can help." Discord's voice echoed around the room. In a flash, Discord appeared in, wearing a decorative hat, a striped pink & white scarf, held an umbrella in his lion paw and carried a bag with his eagle claw. "Ta-Da! I'm here to sit on the baby."

"...You mean babysit?" Cadence asked

"Eh, same difference."

"...Right. Honey, are the bags ready?" Shining Armor's eyes widened.

"BAGS!!!" He yelled, running away.

"Lack of sleep?" Discord asked.

"Very." Cadence replied. "So you brought everything while we're away?"

"Of course!" He snapped his claw and a bunch of baby supplies were conjured around him, all organized. "A week's supply of fresh milk, baby food, diapers, wipes, powder, air freshener, and stories with jingles that will help the little gal fall to sleep."

"Hm... sounds like you're prepared."

"Oh trust me, I may be the ruler of chaos, but I can plan ahead in most situations. May I see the baby?" Cadence's horn glowed and she gave a sleeping Flurry Heart to Discord. He carefully held her in his claws. "D'aw! She's such a cutie! I've never seen anypony this adorable since Celestia and Luna were around! ...Of course, I was in my teenage years, so I didn't care that much."

"...Right. You do know why we're going, right?"

"Oh for some boring confrence thing about trade supplies and whatnot. Stuff that will bore me and the baby easily. Pfft! That's why we're gonna have so much fun!!!"

"Yeah... you may want to work around the 'fun' part."

"What do you-?" Cadence's horn glowed again and a collar appeared around Discord's neck. "What the-!? A collar!?"

"A Magic Cancellation Collar. Shining Armor doesn't want you corrupting our daughter, so this will work."

"As if that's gonna work!" He held Flurry Heart in his Lion Paw and snapped with his Eagle Talon. Normally, with a snap, anything that he wishes would happen immediately with a snap. In this case, however, nothing happened. He noticed and snapped again. Nothing. He snapped multiple times. Nothing.

"It works!"

"Hey! This isn't fair! Get it off! Get it off!" He tried to take the collar off, but it wouldn't budge. Cadence took Flurry Heart away and placed her in her crib. Discord tried using both of his claws to take the collar off, but nothing happened. He fell onto his back and tried using all of his arms & legs to take the collar off, struggling to get the collar off.

"Discord, please! The baby is trying to sleep."

"I would be quiet if you took this collar off!"

"Shh! Look, you'll have to work with this collar on, and you don't want to, but this is just for the week. You're gonna have to work without your chaos magic, but I promise that when we get back, not only will you get your magic back, but we'll let you cause some destruction around here. Sound fair?"

"...Can it be on some important citizens?"

"No, just regular citizens. And it can't be harmful."

"...Oh, fine. Just for the week, got it. I'll keep a close eye on your baby."

"Good." She turned and stepped out, but stopped. "And Discord?"

"Yes?"

"If anything happens to Flurry Heart..." Cadence's eyes bursted with flames as did fire erupted around her with the sounds of screaming souls. "I WILL PERSONALLY BRING YOU TO THE GATES OF TARTARUS AND HAVE CERBERUS RIP YOU INTO BITS AND PIECES LIKE A RAG!!!" Everything went back to normal, though the floors, walls, & ceilings were darkened, as were some pieces of furniture having a flame of fire. "Have fun." She turned and walked away as if nothing happened. Discord cowered in fear; despite being the lord of Chaos, now he was both weak, and was under the Mercy of Cadence.

"M-Might as well g-get s-s-started." He spoke to himself.

Cadence had left Discord a list of chores to do, all which would've been done in seconds had he still have his magic. Alas, he did not, and had to clean the old fashioned way: with his muscles... or lack thereof. During his cleaning of the kitchen, which, though wasn't a huge mess, had some stains that needed to be ridded of, but as he finished, he made his way to the bathroom. That Bathroom, just like the kitchen, wasn't a true mess, but there were noticeable stains that he had to get rid of. Flurry Heart woke up from her nap. She was alone; her parents were gone, and she was hungry. The Kitchen's door, which was located near her room, was wide open, and on top of a refrigerator, was a jar of cookies.

"Cookie." she said to herself. She stood up and flapped her large wings. When her nearly unlimited power was taken away from the Crystalling, she wasn't the best flier nor most powerful in magic, so while she did fly out of her crib, it wasn't as graceful as before. She slid across the waxed kitchen floor, but stopped near the refrigerator. "Cookie." She turned to some open cabinets, left right open after Discord put away the dishes, and began to climb her way up.

CRASH!!!

Discord peeked his head out of the bathroom.

"What was that!?" He asked himself. His eyes widened as Flurry Herat was gone from her crib. He screamed as he saw Flurry Heart cralw over the stove, her wings accidentally turning on the fire. "I'LL SAVE YOU BABY!!!" He ran into the kitchen.

"Cookie." Flurry Heart repeated, knocking a rolling pin down to the floor.

"Don't burn yourself, Flurry- WHOAH!!!" Discord ran into kitchen and slipped on the rolling pin. He screamed as he attempted to both balnce himself on the rolling pin and get Flurry Heart. As he rolled past Flurryheart, she kicked a Teapot onto Discord's head. Not seeing where he'ss going, Flurryheart accidentally opened the oven, to which Discord rolls into, the doors shutting. Flurry Heart turned the oven up to "Volcano Heat" without realizing it. She crawled across some plates in the sink.

"Cookie!" She accidentally turned on the tap and water began to spill across the floor, along with a bar of soap, as she reached for a nearby clock's pendulum. The oven dinged and Discord bursted out, screaming as his tail was on fire and leaving a trail of smoke! He slipped on the bar of soap and shot into the air; the soap flies across the kitchen and ricochets of the door handle, hitting the baby and flinging her up to the clock's pendulum. Discord fell back, slid across the kitchen, and ends up with his claws in the power supply, where he's zapped by electricity. In trying to escape, he headbutts the wall with the teapot and dislodges a shelf. All the pots and pans he set up there fell onto his head. As he laid there, a bottle of Dragon Fire sauce falls into the spout of the teapot, where he accidentaly chugged it. Swinging on the clock's pendulum, Flurry Heart was close to her goal.

"Cookie."

Discord, screaming from the intense heat, shot across the kitchen and ends up with an ironing board in his mouth, which folds up into the wall. Flurry Heart swung from the clock to a shelf, which falls down, and a box on the shelf falls catapults a box of knives through the air. Flurry Heart landed on a plunger (something Discord placed when something was clogged in the sink) and bounced up to the fridge, landing on sandwich bread, inches away from her cookies. The plunger flies through the air and lodges itself in a toaster, which then falls over.

"Cookie" She balanced on the loaf of bread. Discord bursted out of the fold up ironing board.

"I'm here BabaaaaaRRGGGHHH!" He screamed as the knives flying towards him, lodge themselves in the wall around him. One landed right in between his horn & antler, and a meatcleaver hits the wall between his legs. The toaster then fires the plunger at Discord and sticks to his face. As he struggles to get it off, he ends up flying across the kitchen and removes it in mid air. His momentary pleasure is forgotten as he crashes into the suc-o-matic (Another tool he used to suck dirt from right behind & under cabinets floors), which then begins to pump him full of air. He looked almost like a balloon, and he starts to deflate, flying around the kitchen, breaking crockery all around, and eventually, hitting the fridge, lodging his head underneath. As he struggles to get free, he dislodges Flurry Heart, who fell from the top of the fridge with her cookie. Luckily, she landed on his chest, and Discord lifted the fridge off his head, seeing that Flurry Hearts is safe. He holds her in his hands, but suddenly realizes there is an unsupported fridge above his head, which crashes back to earth. Flurry Heart, whether out of curiosity or wanting to see if Discord was fine, opened the fridge door to reveal Discord with stars floating around his head.

"I'd like to have that paycheck now!" He said before passing out. Flurry Heart placed a cookie in his mouth.

"Cookie." The door opened with Cadence and Shining Armor entering.

"I can't believe the queen got sick!" Cadence said with shock.

"I know," Shining Armor agreed "I can now sit back and check on our little-" They both gasped as they saw the kitchen was in ruin, and Discord, with his head rammed through the bottom of the refrigerator, having a cookie in his mouth. Cadence's eyes burned with fire, as did everything behind her erupted into flames again.

"DISCORD!!!" Discord shook himself awake, but shivered in fear. He carefully picked up Flurry Heart.

"She's... alright." He squeaked pathetically.

Present.

"And would ya know," Discord finished "I was thrown to Tartarus, and Cerberus had it's own chew toy, complete with screams of pain and regret."

"Oh my," Fluttershy replied "And all of that because a baby wanted a cookie?"

"All of that because a baby wanted a cookie." He nodded in response.

"Oh dear... what happened after that?"

"After that? ... The kitchen was cleaned up, Shining Armor helped Cadence calm down, and Flurry Heart... she got the cookie."

"...Really?"

"Yes. All of that; the pain I had to go through, the lack of magic, and her... getting a cookie... so diabolical!"

"Discord, I don't think Flurry Heart-"

"She did! Babies are the greatest form of evil Equestria has! They do all this stuff, yet we can't get angry at them, only endure their torture while they laugh at us through these 'babysits'! They get away with this, but with me, I was branded as a freak and was locked away in stone for 1000 years. Talk about being 'fair'."

"Oh... have you told Cadence this yet?"

"I have, and she didn't listen." He held up a piece of paper "I received a restraining order from her and Flurry Heart for the next 1000 years... got 994 years left."

"Oh. Uh... Discord... I know you don't like babies, but I have some news."

"Rainbow Dash wants a babysitter? No way! I ain't gonna do it!"

"No, actually, um... I have to tell you this, but... I'm pregnant!" Discord's stopped and stared at Fluttershy.

"D-did you just say-?"

"I did, and you're the father!" Discord stared, but fell to his knees.

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Somewhere, in the Galaxy, Celestia and Luna's mother, the creator of everything, laughed.

Author's Note