Top Scooter

by Wiz Ahmad

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Crossover
Length: 1537

A Top Gear parody, with the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Diamond Tiara, and Babs Seed. Discussing motorcycles, scooters, and bicycles instead of cars.

A parody/crossover with Top Gear - only this time the cast talk about, review, and have adventures with motorcycles, bicycles, and of course, scooters.

(click that "+more" button for more info)

CAST:
Apple Bloom - Richard Hammond
Scootaloo - Jeremy Clarkson
Sweetie Belle - James May
Babs Seed - The Stig (in here, she's called the "Steed")
Special Guests - Various characters from the show (mostly background characters)

A few notes:
This story will consist of several chapters. Each chapter will act as an "episode". Be aware that I may end up writing these chapters more like scripts instead of actual stories from the way Top Gear is played out. Please note that this does not technically mean that each chapter is a separate story.

Rated T for all the "Clarksonized" jokes, references, language, and humor.

WARNING:
Updates will be really slow and random as I'm really busy with a ton of other stuff (other fanfics, school, making videos, and PIRLs). So time between updates can be anywhere from a few weeks to more than a month, and some episodes may be shown but still be unfinished.

FUN FACT:
I came up with this idea on the exact same day that the episode "Crusaders of the Lost Mark" aired.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-28 00:30:01 UTC

Episode 1: "Electric Ego"

“Hello everypony! Thank you! Thank you! We’re back, we are back with our very own cutie marks!” Scootaloo announced as she stepped onto the balcony of the Cutie Mark Crusaders clubhouse, the cheering and clapping crowd bouncing below her on the smooth green grass. “We’re here today with our very first episode of Top Scooter, being broadcasted right across Equestria right now by the famous and legendary Photo Finish!”

“Who, by the way, has learned to videotape as well as photograph,” Sweetie Belle added with a chuckle as she too stepped out onto the clubhouse’s balcony. “It is a great honor to be here today to deliver some of the greatest news, reviews, and adventures with the world of scootering, motorcycling, rallying, and skateboarding to you all.”

“Thanks, Sweetie Belle,” Apple Bloom replied, stepping out onto the clubhouse balcony. “Now, earlier on we and several other little fillies were striving our best to attain our unique cutie marks. Well it turns out, certain motorcycle companies have done pretty much the same. They have been striving to make an iconic motoring machine to be proud of and be successful in such that they become a symbol that truly represents them as a company being able to produce the best of the best.”

“Yes,” Scootaloo then continued, “and no motorcycle company is better at achieving this than Honda.”

Apple Bloom then walked down the clubhouse steps to a lineup of the various motorcycles Honda had produced over the years.

“For more than sixty years, Honda has been producing some of the greatest motorbikes in history, from the grand touring Gold Wing, to the speedy CBR 1000RR, and the off-road and daring CRF450R. But the most successful of all of Honda’s bikes has been this,” she ended, pointing to a small, nimble-looking motorcycle.

“This, ponies,” Apple Bloom stated, “is the Honda Super Cub, the world’s best-selling motorcycle. Over 80 million of these have been made. Think of that – eighty million motorcycles! If every couple had a child and that child had a child and that child had a child, every pony in the whole of Equestria could own one of these and their still would be many more left over for the generations to come.”

Applejack, who was amongst the crowd, laughed a little, imagining how far back the Apple Family went and how they all could be owning one of those bikes.

“This small little motorbike began production in 1958,” Apple Bloom continued talking, “when Honda wanted to make a small, zippy motorbike that would be cheap to run, cheap to afford, and cheap to repair. Therefore, it could be bought by anyone and used by anyone, young like me, or good ol’ Granny Smith. Now, however, there is all-new version.”

The camera then cut to the new Honda Super Cub in a separate studio, where visual effects helped to give a dramatic reveal of the bike as Apple Bloom began talking once more.

“It’s called the EV Cub, EV being short for ‘electric vehicle’. It costs 9,000 bits, and it’s brand new…from the inside.”

The camera then suddenly cut to footage of Apple Bloom on a road on the outskirts of Ponyville, just beyond the Schoolhouse, next to the motorbike.

“Now, what I mean by the ‘inside’ is that Honda has managed to keep to the same original design. Compact frame, tall rearview mirrors, single seat, small metal rack…it all seems the same as its dads and grandparents of the 1960s. But on the inside, it really isn’t. For starters, they’ve removed the old one-cylinder, four stroke petrol engine for a cleaner, quiet battery hooked up to an electric motor. Now you might think that this would make the bike heavier, but it hasn’t.”

Apple Bloom then brought along an older Honda Super Cub and placed it on a large weighing scale, then swapped it for the EV Cub. “Eeyup!” she said triumphantly. “They weigh almost exactly the same.” With the interior talks over, she then hopped on and went for a little drive whilst continuing her explanations.

“This bike is insanely quiet. Seriously, if clouds existed on the ground, Scootaloo could drive this at full tilt through one and Rainbow Dash wouldn’t even notice.”

Apple Bloom continued with minor gestures to the little camera recording her. “There is another major thing, though. Honda have replaced the speedometer in between the handlebars with a triangular digital display, with then gives you info on how fast you’re going. And because it’s digital, it’s a haystack lot more accurate than the old-school speedometers. The battery, too is innovative. You can detach it from the actual bike and plug it into your home outlet like an iPhone. But the best thing about this bike is its drivetrain system.”

“The old Super Cubs were rear-wheel drive. The EV Cub is all-wheel drive, which means the handling is much more refined. Obviously this is a commuter and not some crazy speedster bike, but at higher speeds – around 80 to 90 kilometers an hour–”

Apple Bloom gunned the EV Cub and sped really fast towards a gradual bend in the countryside roads, raising her voice to be heard over the rushing air. “The steering response is so sharp and precise, which means you don’t ever miss an apex! You hit the true curve of the bend exactly every time, all in total silence…well, apart from the slight tire screech! Braking is also super responsive, with absolutely no lag at all!”

“This bike is fantastic, a true example of what can be done when the aspects that connect to a petrol-powered machine are linked with innovative technology meant to save precious bits. However, there are a few nitty-gritty issues.”

Apple Bloom finally stopped at a bridge to explain the flaws. “The seat is actually a lid that opens with a little latch to store a few items. But, you can’t fit a cat or a bunny or a tortoise in it. The metal rack on the back is a real problem, okay? If you want to carry larger loads, they can’t be larger than…say, a single bale of hay. The worst part, though, is the kickstand. Its one solid piece that’s joined on both sides, not one little flimsy metal rod like you get on a conventional bicycle. So when you come to a halt, it takes more than one little foot knock to prop it up properly.”

The camera then slowly zoomed out from the EV Cub as Apple Bloom concluded. “So, this new, revolutionary two-wheel drive electrical zipper really is the bike of the future.”

Back at the studio surrounding the clubhouse, the audience cheered as Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo came around the bike, which was now placed on a pedestal in front of the base of the clubhouse ladder.

“I really have to say that this bike is really awesome,” Sweetie Belle commented, smiling.

“It may not be the fastest, but it certainly lives as an awesome legend!” Scootaloo declared. “But to really see how awesome it really is, to really determine if it can be Honda’s ultimate motorbike. And that of course means handing it over to our tame racing driver.”

“Some say that she was a bully experiment that went wrong, and that she only eats cheese made in Manehatten. All we know is, she’s called the Steed!”

The crowd cheered as the camera cut to a scene of a track with twisting corners, smooth straights, and gradual bends. It was built just outside of Ponyville, in a flat, deserted area. Scootaloo had designed the test track herself, with guidance and assistance from Rainbow Dash and Applejack. It was shaped like a cloud, with two bends that would put handling and suspension setups to the ultimate test, while a 1/4 mile long stretch would check stability and speed. In total, the track was 1.2 miles long, with a line to start from and cross to finish.

Steed adjusted her seating position, readying herself for the takeoff, whilst Scootaloo gave her voice-over commentary.

“And she’s off! No wheelspin because this is of course, a silent electric bike. Now, through the gradual curve, and soon towards Baltimare…”

Scootaloo trailed off, exciting the audience with her simple yet enthralling descriptions of the EV Super Cub’s test track run at several stages. After the motorcycle had its run, the audience clapped and cheered loudly, just as they had done at the talent show many years ago.

“And now for the time. Most motorcycles will do this course in a good 1 minute, 30 seconds. The EV Super Cub completed the course in…two minutes…”

The audience looked on eagerly as Scootaloo gave a dramatic pause.

“…thirty-five seconds!” Scootaloo finally finished her sentence and stamped the time stamp on the rainbow-colored, cloud-adorned leaderboard.

“And now for the news, and quite interesting news this week, if I’m honest,” Apple Bloom began, sitting down in her seat in a double chair across from a single chair. In between the two chairs lay a table with a large sculpt of a two-stroke Harley-Davidson engine under it. Offset center, between the chairs, lay a larger table with a television on top of it.