A Door and Unusual Company
It was a fairly quaint and quiet day in Ponyville, with Celestia’s sun shining bright between the clouds, birds singing a song upon the winds, and the friendly citizens simply wandering about with smiles on their faces. It was a truly peaceful and happy day. So it’s almost natural with a town like Ponyville that something rotten loomed on the horizon. And this trouble came in the form of a suspicious ornate door sitting in the middle of town.
When word reached Princess Twilight Sparkle that this strange door was just there, standing on its own, she knew something was up and immediately moved to investigate. The young lavender alicorn reached the town proper, where she found the door that had riled up the town.
“And it just… showed up?” Twilight asked, walking alongside her loyal friend and number one assistant, Spike. The young drake had stumbled upon the door whilst on an errand for Twilight, and was unnerved by the mere presence of the thing. Almost as if an unnatural presence emanated from the thing.
“Uh huh.” Spike listlessly nodded. “It was just sitting there, no hinges, nothing holding it up, it’s just… there.” Twilight moved to examine this suspicious door. It was a simple looking thing, carved finely from some old tree, possibly mahogany, with a few basic designs of laurels all about it. It featured a brass doorknob carved like an unblinking eyeball, and a strange knocker of a gargoyle with a ring stuck in its ears. What really stood out, in Twilight’s opinion, was that right in the center of the door was a burnt emblem of an eight-spoked star with spikes on the ends. A simply commonly associated with a less stable function of reality.
“A chaos star?” Twilight remarked, recognizing the emblem from her studies. “This can only mean one thing…” Her brain already connected the dots, and her eyes began frantically scanning for any signs of Equestria’s favorite troublemaker. Interestingly enough, she found who she was looking for, the one and only Discord, posing as a streetlamp and whistling a tuneless song… Really badly, I might add. “What are you up to this time, Discord?”
“Discord? Never heard of that dashingly handsome fellow.” ‘Discord’ said, sweat running down his head as his yellow and red eyes darted back and forth. “I’m just a streetlamp, doing… lamp things….”
“Yeah, I’m not buying it.” Twilight deadpanned, tapping her hoof on the ground impatiently. Discord frowned, immediately ditching his disguise and slumping down on the ground in a tangled heap.
“I figured as much.” Discord sadly said. “Granted, it isn’t you I was trying to fool,” He pointed at the door with his lion’s paw. “It’s them I’m trying to avoid.” Twilight quirked an eyebrow in confusion and disbelief.
“It’s just a door.” Twilight said. Discord loudly gasped and immediately silenced the alicorn, covering her mouth and shushing her.
“It’s not just the door,” Discord whispered. “It’s what’s beyond that door.” He slithered over to the strange door and gestured to the Chaos Mark. “The Mark of Chaos is known throughout a multitude of universes as a sort of calling card for other beings with power equal-to or even greater than my own! This door,” He tentatively placed his eagle claw on the wooden frame. “Leads to a pocket dimension where a few of the most powerful Chaos Entities are hosting a… get together…” And thus, Twilight’s mind shut down.
Others like Discord? She thought, a hair coming out of place in hair mane. Here?!
“I take it from the sudden look of mania in your eyes you aren’t taking the news well.” Discord noted, watching as more strands of hair twanged out of place. “Don’t worry your little head about it.” He playfully knocked on her head. “Unless given special permission, they can’t exit into other worlds, so no need to panic about impending catastrophe.” Upon hearing this news, Twilight enacted her breathing exercises and calmed herself down almost immediately.
“Okay, if that’s the case,” Twilight resumed. “Then what are you so worried about?” Discord’s ears drooped as he felt the color drain from his face… quite literally.
“Um… Well, it’s sort of like this…” Discord hesitantly explained. “Not all Chaos Entities are… the nicest of people… Most of the time I chat with them, it’s about our latest exploits and conquests.” Twilight put a hoof to her muzzle pondering the little information. Her eyes widened in surprise.
“You’re scared to talk to them because you’re not a bad guy anymore!” Twilight exclaimed. Discord sadly nodded, running his eagle claw across his elongated neck. “You’re scared of being ridiculed.”
“It’s been at least one-thousand years since I last saw them,” Discord admitted. “And I don’t want to lose face.”
“Well, why not tell them the truth?” Twilight asked. “Tell them you’re not as evil as you used to be.” Discord’s eyes bulged out of his head so largely they popped like inflated balloons. As new eyeballs rolled into place, Discord picked up Twilight and frantically shook her.
“NEVER TELL CHAOS ENTITIES THAT YOU’VE GONE ORDERLY!!!” Discord shouted, shaking Twilight like a sack of potatoes. He brought her face to face, dropping his voice to a whisper. “The last time a Chaos Entity admitted he had become ‘orderly’,” He whispered something into Twilight’s ear, her face becoming more and more horrified by the second. “With a rusty spoon.” The Draconequus gently put Twilight down. “Am I clear on the matter?” Twilight frantically nodded. “Good, so you’ll help me?”
“Help you?!” Twilight exclaimed. “After what you just told me, I want to get as far away from that door as possible.”
“Oh please?” Discord begged, putting on a sad pout as he slithered up to Twilight on the ground. “Friends help each other out with other friends, and you’re the Princess of Friendship. Only you can help me from becoming a social pariah or worse…” Twilight tried to look away from Discord’s puppy dog eyes, but the stubborn Spirit of Chaos kept on getting in her face at every turn. Finally, she conceded.
“Fine, I’ll do it.” Twilight groaned. Discord squeaked in happiness. “But just this once!”
“Fair enough.” Discord said, reaching behind his back. “Oh, and since they still think I’m the malevolent ruler of Equestria,” He snapped his tail feathers and a golden collar miraculously appeared around Twilight’s neck. “You’ll have to wear that. It’ll buy into the illusion.” Although completely miffed at the collar, Twilight conceded and simply let out an annoyed sigh. The two walked over to the door, ready to face whatever lay within.
“Let’s get this over with.” Twilight grumbled. Discord chuckled, grasping the golden doorknob in his eagle talon.
“Ta da!” Discord cheered, opening the door with a wide swing. Twilight was immediately buried under a pile of cooking pots and pans from the closet inside. “Whoops, I must’ve opened the wrong side of the door again.” Snapping his fingers, Discord conjured a broom to push the pots and pan away. To deal with the conundrum, Discord simply removed the knob and placed it on the opposite end of the door. “Ahem, take two.” Discord opened the door, and the two were immediately pulled in by an unseen force, vanishing without a trace, while the door simply stood there, unmoving and unopened.
Twilight opened her eyes from the sudden experience and found that the room that allegedly housed several presumably dangerous and insane entities of pure chaos was not at all like she expected it. Instead of the insane abyss filled with nightmarish creations she pictured in her mind, Twilight was surprised to find that she was standing in a rather nice little dining room, with wooden walls and tiled floors, featuring several doors like the one she and Discord had entered lined the walls, each a different color. At the very center of the room was a red and blue checkered table featuring several teapots, tea cups, sugar cups, and, oddly, wheels of cheese. The only abnormal thing about the entire room were the occupants at the table. The first Twilight noticed was a two-dimensional floating yellow triangle being, sporting a single wide eyeball, almost cartoonishly small arms and legs, a little black bowtie, and a really large black top hat. Next to it, sitting in a chair, was an old human dressed in a banker’s outfit that split between two colors, green and purple. His grey hair was slicked back on his head, he ran his fingers through his short grey beard, and scanned the room with his haunting reptilian yellow eyes. Twilight noticed the man was leaning on some sort of creepy staff that seemed to give off an unnatural vibe. Next to the man, sitting on a chair and a stack of books, was an odd looking creature, a fuzzy green thing with a blue face, long nose, bright red lips, and beady yellow eyes. It was only a little bit bigger than Spike, and seemed to be greatly enjoying himself. By the odd creature, resting lazily on her chair, was a gorgeous human woman with long blonde hair done up in a manic ponytail, wearing naught but a skimpy white toga, clutching a golden apple emblazoned with the letter ‘K’. Lastly, sitting right next to a pair of empty chairs, was a small, big-headed bald man wearing a fancy purple suit and tiny purple bowler hat, sneering at the others in the room.
“Well, lookie here!” The triangle said in a silly, almost nasally voice. “Our pal Discord finally decided to show his mismatched face around here!”
“Wouldn’t miss our Bi-Millenial Chaos Tea Party for all the gold in a dragon’s hoard, Bill!” Discord cheerfully said, walking over to an empty seat.
“I’d say that were true,” The blonde woman said, pursing her ruby red lips. “But you did miss the last one 500 years ago. We missed you, Dissy.”
“Eris, don’t flirt with our dear friend,” The oddly dressed man roughly exclaimed, his voice carrying a strong Scottish accent. “He probably had more pressin’ issues tah attend to, eh Discord?”
“You know it, Sheogorath.” Discord chuckled, sitting himself down in the chair next to the bald man. “Was this seat reserved, Mxy?”
“Nah, the guy who wanted it was a no show.” The little bald man said in a scratchy, annoying voice. “Good riddance, I say. It’d get confusing if he was here.”
“I always thought Q’s presence was always entertaining.” The little green creature said in a soft, higher pitched voice. “But conversations between him and Discord would always be a bit… excruciating.” Twilight blinked, noticing the creature had just spoken in rhyme.
“The Multiverse is a big place, Nowhere Man,” The triangle, Bill, said, tapping his hat with a thin black cane. “You’re bound to come across people who sound the same. My old pen pal Vaatu said that some monk guy sounded a lot like the last guy I duped with a deal!” The table erupted into laughter at what could only be some sort of inside joke. It wasn’t until the laughter subsided that Eris took notice of the other occupant in the room.
“Dissy, who is this little pony?” Eris asked, pointing at Twilight. “A new pet from your dominance of that pastel paradise?” Twilight’s blood froze, worried at the possibility of these strange beings doing horrible things to her if Discord’s cover was blown. Luckily, the draconequus was one step ahead, as always.
“Why, my dear allies of anarchy,” Discord proudly said, patting Twilight on the head. “This is the latest spoil from one of the more recent uprisings to try and usurp me.” He held up Twilight in his magic. “Celestia and Luna attempted to create a new alicorn to overthrow me, but like always, I came out on top and made Twilight Sparkle here my new slave!”
“Slave?!” Twilight exclaimed, only to have Discord elbow her in the chest. “Oh, yes! I, uh, serve Master Discord for my own fault of, um, being rebellious.” Twilight flashed a cute, yet nervous smile at the denizens of the table. The Chaos Entities sitting around the table all eyed Twilight with suspicious looks, almost as if they were bearing into her soul. Sweat ran down hers and Discord’s faces, fearing that their cover may have been blow.
“Ha!” Sheogorath guffawed. “Takin’ on slaves now, mah lad Discord? How utterly ROTTEN of ya!” Both Twilight and Discord visibly relaxed, although Twilight was still miffed at being called a slave. “So why don’t ya introduce us to her, if yer plannin’ on bringin’ guests this time, Discord?”
“Oh, but of course, Sheo.” Discord said with a nod. “Slave Twilight Sparkle, I would have the somewhat pleasure of introducing to you some of the most powerful Chaos Entities in existence.” He gestured to the floating triangle. “This is Bill Cipher, a 2-Dimensional being from the Dreamscape, a dangerous point of reality known to intersect with the mind of others.”
“Howdy, starburst,” Bill said, tipping his hat. He reached into a pocket (don’t ask where it even came from, we don’t want to know). “Here, have a pocket mirror that shows you images of true terror!” He tossed a small silver pocket mirror at Twilight, which she caught in her magic. One look into the thing and Twilight immediately tossed the mirror away, scared out of her wits. “HA! I love it when they react like that.”
“Don’t break here just yet, Bill.” Discord teased. He moved on to point at the oddly dressed man. “This is Sheogorath, Daedric Prince of Madness, ruler of a plane of Oblivion known as the Shivering Isles, where everyone is mad out of their minds!”
“But you,” Sheogorath said, pressing the tip of his cane into Twilight’s chest. “You can call me, Anne Marie!” Twilight was about to question why this is, but Sheogorath rose from his seat, his face displaying an utterly manic tone. “But only if ya’re partial tah bein’ flayed alive, and having an angry immortal skip rrrrrrrrrrope with yer entrails!” He calmly sat down in his seat and started munching on a piece of cheese. “Oh, good stuff.”
“That’s Minoan Cheese you’re partaking in, Sheo,” The woman said, patting the Mad Prince’s shoulder. “Only the best.” She flashed Twilight a mad smile, the alicorn princess noting the woman was missing one of her teeth. “I’m Eris, Greek Goddess of Chaos and Mayhem.” She tossed her golden apple to Twilight. “Here, have a bite, you look famished.” Twilight reluctantly stared at the golden apple in her magic, the thing didn’t even look like real gold, let alone edible. She was hungry, however, and decided to oblige and take a single bite. The instant her teeth touched the apple, it exploded in a cloud of smoke, covering the lavender pony’s face in soot. “Ah hah hah hah hah!” Twilight glared as Eris materialized another apple in her hand and proceeded to take a huge bite out of it, laughing haughtily.
“Those little Chaos Apples are always quite a peach, Eris.” Discord said, handing Twilight a napkin to clean her face off. He gestured to the odd creature, who in turn waved cheerfully. “This is Dr. Jeremy Hillary Boob, but most people call him the Nowhere Man. He is a cheerful fellow, sitting in his Nowhere Land making all his Nowhere Plans for nobody.”
“Ad hoc, ad lock, and quid pro quo.” The Nowhere Man said, twirling a plate on a single finger, instantly turning it into a pencil. “So little time, so much to know!” He grabbed a little napkin, and with two quick strokes, created a beautiful portrait of Twilight’s face. “Compared to my more malevolent fellows, I happen to be of the kindhearted variety, and a bit more mellow.”
“Translation: He’s a weenie and a putz!” The small bald man said, eliciting a laugh from the more sinister members around the table. “Anyway, name’s Mr. Mxyzptlk,” He flew up to the unicorn, eying her carefully. “Don’t get it wrong. It’s simply pronounced ‘Mix’,” His head turned into an active blender. “’Yes’,” The blender turned into a vinyl album emblazoned with a neon ‘yes’. “SPIT,” His head turned back to normal and he spat in Twilight’s face. “Lick.” His head turned into that of a brown puppy and gave the alicorn a big lick before turning back. “YA GOT THAT?!” Twilight restrained a growl as she wiped her face clean of the slobber while Mxyzptlk flew back to his seat.
“4th Dimensional Prankster,” Discord casually summed up. “To sum up what he does. Still terrorizing Metropolis?” Mxy simply folded his arms with an annoyed grunt. “And last but not least…” Discord began looking about the room for some unknown reason. “Huh, where is our host? He’s usually out and about.” A soft chuckle echoed throughout the room, startling almost everyone.
“Oh, I’m here,” The voice chuckled, coming from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. “But I’m not exactly all there. Hah hah hah!”
“Chesh, come out and talk with us.” Eris tutted, fiddling with a fork. “It’s only good manners, after all.” Twilight suddenly felt a small weight on her back, and quickly turned her head and saw that a purple and pink stripped cat was sitting on her, bearing a ridiculously wide grin of pure madness.
“Don’t mind me,” The cat said, startling Twilight. “I’m just getting to know our little guest. It is the duty of the host to know the guests.” In a blink of an eye, the cat vanished from Twilight’s back and reappeared standing on his hind legs walking on the ceiling.
“Cheshire, how can we mind you when most of us lost ours?” Bill cackled. The cat gave a lilting laugh in response, now standing on the rim of Bill’s top hat, holding on with a single paw and staring out a spyglass.
“What good is there in looking for a lost mind?” The cat queried, humming slightly. “Although what’s lost may be found again, sometimes it’s better to leave such things lost. Mmm hmm hmmm.” The cat stared at Twilight through the spyglass, his yellow eye staring madly into Twilight’s own. “Wouldn’t you agree, Miss Sparkle?”
“Um… Talking cat…” Twilight’s brain was shut down. The cat chuckled, the spyglass retracting into his own eye, before vanishing and reappearing on Eris’ lap, sitting and purring at the Goddess of Chaos pet him.
“A Cheshire Cat, Miss Sparkle.” The cat greeted, using his tail to lift the top half of his head up as though it were a hat. “Denizen of Wonderland, a place not unlike Mister Cipher’s own Dreamscape.” He chuckled softly. “And one of the oldest Chaos Entities in existence.”
“Only by a few millennia,” Bill grumbled, pouring himself a cup of tea. “Quit flaunting it like some buxom mortal person.” The Cheshire Cat simply chuckled, finally resting in his own chair as a tea cup came floating his way.
“And that’s the whole gang!” Discord said with a smile. “So, now let’s get to catching up on what’s what with everyone.” Everyone held up an empty tea cup as a tiny kettle floated midair in the center of the table. The kettle tipped on the side and poured seven strains of tea into the cups, defying all manner of logic possible. Granted, given the nature of the party, this is to be expected.
“Well, I’ve got another plan in the works for finally getting into the physical realm back in my universe.” Bill said, sipping his tea, despite the notable handicap of lacking a mouth. “The day of the long prophesy of my return is approaching, and Weirdmageddon is at hand!”
“Still not on board with that silly name.” Eris muttered, sipping her tea and letting off an extremely un-lady-like belch.
“Ah, just wait and see,” Bill snapped, his eye furrowing in anger. “I just gotta wait for the right patsy to possess then BAM!” He shined a bright red as his voice turned ominous for a moment, snapping his cane in two. “I’ll have another dimension as my plaything for all eternity… Until I get bored.” Sheogorath burst into howling fits of laughter, much to Bill’s annoyance. “Something funny about that, Daedra?”
“Ah, it’s nothing, Cipher,” Sheogorath cackled, wiping away a tear. “I just think it’s bloody hilarious that you think another one of yer hair-brained schemes will work!” The Daedric Prince leaned back in his seat, idly tapping his staff on the table. “Mah fellow Prince, Mehrunes Dagon, tried the same thing, but then mah good friend Martin stepped in and WHAM!” A bolt of magic shot from his finger, turning a bouquet at the center of the table into breadsticks. “Gets himself banished back to Oblivion.” He shot another bolt of magic, turning the breadsticks into colorful pinwheels. “Being a true leader is being able to manage brute force with great wisdom, or in my case,” He plucked a pinwheel and gave it a quick blow. “Balancing mania and dementia. Ooh, it’s one of those whistling wheels.”
“Oh hoh hoh hoh,” Mxy cackled, rolling over in his seat. “That’s just rich. The guy who used to be the Prince of Order and Justice is giving us a lecture on being balanced leaders.” The 4th Dimension trickster continued howling with laughter, but immediately was silenced when Sheo turned his head into a rubber duck. “QUACK!”
“What did he mean by that?” Twilight asked, staring at the colorful man. “You used to be the Prince of Order?”
“Ach, that was a bygone age.” Sheogorath wistfully said, holding an empty teacup above a kettle while a small spurt of tea defied gravity. “That was about a three hundred something odd years ago. I remember it well: butterflies, blood, a fox, a severed head, and the CHEESE!” He held up a large wheel of cheddar cheese that sat before him. “To die for!” He knocked the wheel on the edge of the table, until it cracked like an egg and revealed a small ball of mozzarella. “To be honest, Ah was a bit miffed when the other Daedric Princes turned me from Jygallag inta this manic mind, but Ah’ve long since gotten over it.” Sheo dipped the cheese ball into his tea and ate it like a cookie.
“I’d hardly call declaring a Greymarch war on insanity ‘a bit miffed’.” Eris commented. “Aside from that, what have you been up to, Sheo?” She took a dainty sip of her tea. “You haven’t been at the past couple of meetings, and Diablo is getting tired of covering for you.”
“Ah’ve been on vacation, ya golden-haired harpy!” Sheogorath shouted, waving his arms in the air. “Ah need a break from ruling over the Shivering Isles every now and then, give or take a few hundred years. Spent a good while talking with a demented old friend.”
“Was it that Pelegius the Mad you used to go on about?” The Nowhere Man asked, stirring sugar in his tea. “Of course a daffy loon like you would spend time with that manic lout.”
“It was a fun time,” Sheogorath said. “But Ah eventually got bored, that Dragonborn chap came along and made Pelegius sane, so Ah packed my bags and went back to the toil.” He paused to sip his tea. “So, now I’m back in New Sheoth, making flaming dogs rain from the sky and whatnot.”
“So business as usual then?” Discord asked, the Mad Prince giving a simple shrug. Discord turned to Eris, the Greek Goddess picking at a strand of something in her teeth. “And what about you, my fair Eris?” Eris paused for a moment, pulling out one of her teeth by accident. After resetting her tooth, Eris beamed brightly.
“I’m glad you asked, Dissy!” Eris exclaimed, pulling out one of her Apples. She twisted the top of the Apple like a cap, removing it and extracting a golden heart shaped locket within. “I finally have myself a boyfriend!” The reactions were… various. Bill stumbled, spilling tea in his single eye, Sheogorath choked on a chunk of cheese he was eating, the Nowhere Man sported a wide smile, Mxyzptlk finally turned his head back to normal, while Discord simply gaped.
“A boyfriend, you say?” The Nowhere Man said, leaning on the table with his stubby arms. “Well, spit it out, tell us who is under your sway?” Eris giggled, opening the locket and revealed a pair of pictures, one of her smiling widely and winking at the camera, and the other of a bemused looking muscular man with red hair, a five o’clock shadow, and an eyepatch.
“My puppy-face, Hoss DelGatto,” Eris said, her voice tittering. “Ever since I paid back my old ex, the Grim Reaper, for a favor with Hoss and we eventually started dating." She let off a joyous sigh. "I dote on him ever so, even if he does like to spoil my fun every once in a while." Discord slithered over, inspecting the locket with detail.
"Well, he seems like a bit of a party pooper if you ask me." Discord remarked. Suddenly, the picture of Eris' boyfriend moved, pressing itself on the front of the locket, looking panicked and irritated.
"HELP ME!" The image of the man screamed, his voice slightly muffled. "Eris stuffed me in here a week ago and I can't find the BATHROOM!" Eris immediately shut the locket, allowing Hoss to scream himself out.
"Yes, Hossie is a Supernatural Exterminator," Eris admitted. "So things get a little complicated." She gave the locket a quick shake before putting in around her neck. "I stuffed him in here for trying to reverse engineer my Chaos Apples. You can't control chaos, I keep telling him." She pulled out one of her aforementioned Apples and pulled the top off like a cap, pouring tea inside the inexplicably hollow food.
"Telling chaos to be orderly is like telling a fish to swim in lava," Mxy commented, dropping sugar cubes into his own tea. "Entirely possible, but not fun for anybody." He turned to Discord and held out a platter of tiny sugar cubes. "How many lumps?"
"Oh, I'll have none," Discord said, a sly look in his eyes. "But I'm certain my tag-along guest would care for a few." Twilight's eyes widened in confusion and worry, especially since she couldn't get a read on just how sane any of these people were. However, one look at Discord's pleading face, she let off a sigh.
"Sure, why not?" Twilight said, levitating a cup of tea and shutting her eyes. A few small splashes later and Twilight reopened her eyes, watching as a trio of sugar cubes dissolved in her cup. "Uh... Thanks?"
"Don't sweat it, pony." Mxy offhandedly said. "What? Were you expecting me to do somethin' like this?" A large wooden mallet appeared in the bald-headed trickster's hand, and it was instantly slammed onto the top of Discord's head, the draconequus' jaw shooting out like an opened cash register. "Because I was gonna to that to him anyway!" The little 5th-Dimensional jerk rolled about in his seat, laughing his head off while Discord shoved his jaw back in place.
"Hilarious as always, Mr. Mxyzptlk." Discord grumbled, snapping his fingers and bringing a cup of tea and a tea saucer up to him. While the draconequus dipped the saucer in the tea cup, he shot a curious glance at the Nowhere Man, who reclined deeply in his chair, reading a small book. "You've been awfully quiet, Dr. Boob. Has anything happened to you since we last met?" The Nowhere Man sat up in his seat, turned the book inside out and folded it across his lap as it became a napkin, while Discord at the tea saucer as if it were a cookie.
"Not much has changed for me, if you would know," The Nowhere Man admitted, idly plucking a small stirring spoon from the table. "But if anything, I went on a spectacular journey that was quite a show." He bent the spoon at a strong angle, turning it into a measuring compass, and played with the instrument on the table. "I was met with five peculiar chaps in the Nowhere Land, stranded in my domain I offered a hand. They offered to take me on their adventure and lead me from my solace, when I was captured by a rather rude and crude blue malice." He picked up a blue flower from the center bouquet, giving it a little spin. "With music and melody, the day we did save. The Blue Meanies were overthrown, so I felt I had overcome my stay. However, the citizens of Pepper Land, pleased with bringing yellow to the blue," He peeled the petals off the flower, only to be immediately replaced with yellow ones. "Offered me a new home in their abode so I could start anew."
"Good for you, Jeremy!" Eris said, patting the green creature on the head. "That blank canvas you called a home was so empty and boring."
"Eh, better than the dump I live in now." Bill muttered, sipping his tea. "Sure, I can make whatever I want there, but it gets REALLY lonely. I once wasted five minutes ordering a pizza from myself!"
"Friendship and companions are necessity, so I've learned." Discord sagely said, taking a sip of his tea.
"Seriously?!" Mxy squawked, slamming his hands on the table. "Last time you showed your face around here, you were going on and on about how friendship and harmony just made people weak and petty!" Discord nearly choked on his drink, while Twilight felt her breath catch in her throat. "What happened in the past 1000 years that changed THAT outlook?" Twilight darted her eyes back and forth between Discord and the other guests, with Discord sweating like a storm cloud as the pressure forced itself upon him. Discord had to do something, or else 'something', 'something', rusted spoon.
"So, um..." Discord said, trying to change the topic. "I noticed that nobody's said anything about that one rotten egg amongst us." The other guests looked at the draconequus with confusion. "You know, that chap Mister Mayhem." The instant those words left Discord's mouth, everything stopped dead in silence. Bill and Mxy gaped in frozen expressions of shock, Sheogorath's reptilian eyes were as wide as saucers, Eris paused as an Apple was inches away from her open mouth, the Nowhere Man looked as though he was going to have a heart attack, and the Cheshire Cat simply looked solemn. "What?"
"You don't know what happened to Mayhem?" Bill asked, rubbing the side of his glowing body. "Consider yourself lucky. He got booted." Discord and Twilight leaned on the table, eager to learn more about this odd topic that had the others terrified.
"Who's Mister Mayhem?" Twilight asked. All eyes were suddenly on her, each bearing a trace of something Twilight wouldn't expect from entities of Chaos: Fear.
"Malvonius Marcus Mayhem," The Cheshire Cat said, floating across the table to the lavender pony. "Or as he has everyone call him, Mister Mayhem, is an incredibly deranged, dangerous, and violently unstable Chaos Entity that never holds himself back."
"Not many people know this," Sheogorath said, leaning on his cane. "But we in the realm of chaos abide by certain rules and restrictions. A sorta... Guidelines to Chaos, so tah speak." He laid back in his seat, listing off rules on his fingers. "No effecting things on a scale bigger than a small planet, don't directly take a side other than your own, no interfering with universes that aren't connected, no killing other chaos entities, stop turning the moon into actual cheese."
"Mister Mayhem broke several of these rules." Eris said. "Except the last one, we made that specifically for Sheo." The Daedric Prince simply laughed and reached for another cheese wheel. "Any-poo, Mayhem is one of the most unrestricted Chaos Entities in existence. He had a record of breaking numerous tenants we Chaos Beings have set for ourselves all for the sake of him believing we're hindering ourselves."
"The guy is whack." Bill said. "He destroyed his entire universe just because he had a hissy fit. It was a BIG universe." The 2-Dimensional creature drummed his fingers on the table, looking a bit off-put. "Normally, I'd like a guy like that, but when you're even crazier than I am and twice as annoying, you don't want anything to do with him." He took a quick sip of his tea. "Creepy to look at, too."
"I always knew Mayhem was a bit of a wild card," Discord admitted, stroking his goat beard. "But to get booted? What did he do to earn THAT kind of punishment?"
"He killed Apep, the Egyptian God of Chaos." The Cheshire Cat explained, shocking Discord immensely. "Stole his power and declared open war on the Inter-Dimensional Agency. However," The Cat darted his eyes about. "It's rude to talk about other people."
"Yes..." Hissed a deep, ominously echoing voice. "Especially when you know they're listening." Everyone's head whirled around and saw that somehow, a multicolored tailcoat suit, white gloves, tall dark yellow stovepipe hat and tap-dancing shoes were floating on their own, as though a person were wearing them. Shockingly enough (to Twilight, at least), the suit began to move on its own, walking towards the table with slow and cautious strides. The arms of the suit pulled the hat off while the gloves dug around the inside of the hat, until producing a completely blank white mask. The glove hands put the hat atop the 'head' and placed the mask in the space where a face would take place, the instant contact was made, red lightning shot across the suit and the mask changed appearance. A pointed nose shot out of the center of the mask, covered in a red spiral, while a pair of narrow black eyes opened up above with purple lining around the sockets and a wide, fanged smile cracked itself onto the mouthpiece. Once the mask was complete, the strange being took a bow. "Hello again, everyone." The reactions, to say the least, were surprisingly neutral.
"Hello, Malvonius." Sheogorath said, a surprising calmness in his voice. Twilight gaped at the strange man before them. THIS was the alleged Mister Mayhem?
"Please, Prince of Madness," Mayhem said, striding around the table. "Call me by my chosen name. It's only fair that you extend the shame courtesy if we do the same for you." The masked being put his hands on Sheogorath's shoulders, leaning his 'face' towards the table. "Unless you'd prefer I call you Jyggalag?" When he said the last word, Mayhem's black eyes flashed a haunting yellow, while Sheogorath simply batted him away with his cane. Mayhem scoffed, redirecting his attention to Bill. "Bill Cipher, old friend!" He held his arms out, opening wide for a hug.
"Yeah, 'friend' is among the last few things I'd call you." Bill snarled, his single eye narrowing to a slit.
"Oh, don't be like that, O Beast of the All-Seeing Eye." Mayhem giggled with manic glee, throwing his arms around the triangular being's body. Bill visibly struggled to get out of Mayhem's grasp, his golden hue turning red and eye becoming jet black. "You and I always pal around, dancing through burning cities, having picnics atop drowned nations, using little mortal lives as little toys..." Bill phased through the masked creature's arms, floating beside an equally annoyed Eris. Mayhem's gaze fell upon the goddess of chaos, and took up a sad, almost infatuated pose. "Ah, my darling Eris, it's been too long."
"Not long enough, you tacky clothed creep." Eris spat, scooting back in her chair as Mayhem pulled himself closer, tiny red hearts popping out from under his hat.
"I said I was sorry, my lovely," Mayhem cooed. "We spent so long together, I cannot bear to be apart from you anymore..." Eris growled, shoving Mayhem onto the ground and snatching one of the little love hearts from the air.
"We dated for five hours, Marcus." Eris said, popping the heart in her mouth. "And you were asleep during three of them!" She chewed on the heart for a bit, ultimately spitting it out onto Mayhem's suit. "These candy hearts of yours are too sugary, it makes my teeth itch!" Mayhem leaned forward, wiping the candy heart smudge off his suit and making a pouting gesture.
"You wound me, beloved..." Mayhem whimpered (whether it was genuine or mocking, it's hard to tell). His eyes set on the Nowhere Man, who looked as though he were trying to become a turtle, and immediately his tone shifted to a slightly more irritated one. "Oh, who let the wimp at the table?" Mayhem waved one of his gloved hands, tossing a cloud of hellish red magic at the Nowhere Man, hefting the poor thing in the air upside down. "In fact, why is he even here?! You're just an ugly little fuzzy toad that went soft ages ago." His voice became distorted, pausing and breaking at points, while his eyes flashed yellow again. "You're no Chaos Entity. You're a waste of space living in a cheery dump obsessed with music." Dr. Jeremy flinched when Mayhem dropped him to the ground, the masked menace striding over to Mr. Mxyzptlk. "And you. I have ABSOLUTELY nothing to talk to you about." He reached into his hat and pulled out a white rag and began to shine Mxy's bald head like a shoe. "I mean, you got the whole being an annoying trickster down, yeah, but you've got nothing to show for it." Mayhem tossed the towel onto Bill's hat, while Mxy just sat there and let his face grow red hot with fury. "Careful now, you'll fry that oversized egg on your shoulders."
"Why are you even here, Malvonius?" The Cheshire Cat asked, lolling about in the air. "A madman like you, more mad than even I, wouldn't dare make an appearance when on the run." Mayhem paused for a moment, humming deeply and leaning backwards. In fact, he leaned so far backwards, he bent his body at a one-hundred and thirty-five degree angle, like he was made of rubber. In an instant, he shot back to his original position, his smile seeming unusually larger.
"Simply, kitty cat," Mayhem said, slowly turning his head to the only person in the room he hadn't tormented. "To catch myself a rat." The jig was up. Mayhem vanished in a puff of purple smoke, appearing right next to Discord with a sinister expression. "You look good, Discord, really good. I wasn't aware that a concrete cocoon could do wonders for your complexion." He slithered like a snake over to Discord's opposite side, grabbing onto his goat horn. "Tell me, what was the view like in the Canterlot Gardens? Always wondered what it'd be like as a lawn ornament." Sweat trickled down Discord's forehead, trying his hardest to keep a strong poker face as the masked man continued to prod and prod. "What's the matter, Discord? Nervous about being late to your little tea party with that shy little thing you spend so much time with?"
He knows! Twilight screamed in her mind. She did a quick read on all the other Chaotic Entities in the room, each bearing an almost unreadable, calculating and connecting every detail. What do we do? WHAT DO WE DO?!
"And need I forget THIS little thing?" Mayhem said, harshly grabbing Twilight's horn. "I must say, Discord, I was surprised to see you take on slaves, let alone the newest princess of Equestria. Maybe she did this little charade of yours because you were her...." His head tilted to the side, the fanged smile on the mask growing wider. "Friend?" Once again, Mayhem was met with naught but silence. "Oh? No response? Well, if this little equine isn't a friend of yours," A surge of pain shot through Twilight's skull as Mayhem's grip on her horn tightened. "Then you wouldn't care if I got myself a new Unicorn Horn toothpick, would you?" And that was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back, as Discord shot out of his seat and threw a wicked punch with his lion's paw at Mayhem's face. The masked chaos spirit released his grip on the alicorn's horn, spiraling midair from the blow and landing on the ground, sporting a sizeable bruise on his right cheek. Everyone in the vicinity, even Twilight, gave off a very audible gasp.
"You don't so much as lay a glove on my friend." Discord growled, glaring at the downed Chaos Spirit. He shot a nasty look at every one of the chaotic entities in the room. "Yes, that's it, I'm friends with Princess Twilight Sparkle! I've been reformed for over a year now, imprisoned in stone for a millennia, and now I'm a neutral power instead of an evil menace!" The draconequus slithered down and began helping Twilight onto her hooves. "Are you alright, Twilight?"
"I'm fine, Discord." Twilight said, wincing but offering a genuine smile. "Thank you... You gave up this charade just to help me."
"After that mistake I made with Tirek," Discord said. "I vowed I wouldn't let any of my friends get hurt by my actions again." He whirled about, glaring at the slightly shocked Chaos Entities. "And if any of you have a problem with that, you all can just get the torture over with!" Discord huffed angrily at the others in the room, each bearing unreadable expressions. Finally, it was Sheogorath who stood up, a mutual look on his face.
"Discord, mah longtime friend," Sheogorath said, drumming his fingers on his cane. "Why in all the planes of Oblivion would any of us have a problem with that?" Three occurred in the instant the Mad Prince said that: Discord's jaw hit the ground, Twilight's eyes threatened to pop out of her skull, and Mister Mayhem shouted a brief and loud 'WHAT'. "Ta be honest, Discord, most of us knew ya had been reformed a long time ago."
"A lot can happen to change someone in the span of one-thousand years," Eris said, letting off a small smile. "I went through a Valley Girl phase for a while, if I recall."
"I did end up helping that Super-goof and Bat-brain when I accidentally gave the Joker my powers." Mr. Mxyzptlk admitted, rolling his shoulders. "Lots of guys pull a switch-eroo every one in a while."
"I used to only care about my works and my art," Nowhere Man said, putting his tiny hands on the table. "And now I have good friends for with to take part."
"I didn't change at all." Bill said, nonchalantly. "I'm just as insane and as big of a jerk as I've always been. So this input from me serves no purpose." Bill ignored the glares he was getting and just idly sipped his tea.
"And need Ah recount mah past as Daedric Prince of Order?" Sheogorath said, rising from his seat and walked over to the mismatched being. "Everyone undergoes somethin' or other ta change them in the long run, be it better or worse. All that matters is that yer causin' some form of chaos, and yer still one of us in mah books!" Discord looked at all those gathered around him, each bearing looks of sincerity, from Eris' happy smile, to Mxy's nod of confirmation, even he Cheshire Cat purred lightly in this resolution. Finally, Discord looked down at Twilight, tears welling in both their eyes. Discord knew what needed to be done, so he snapped his fingers, and Twilight's faux collar vanished in a flash of light.
"Thank you, Sheo." Discord said, teary eyed and smiling widely. "Thank all of you." Discord and Sheogorath exchanged a brief hug, while Twilight wiped the last beads of nervous sweat from her forehead.
“Are you absolutely kidding me?!” Mayhem screamed, shooting up like a rocket as a purple mist fluttered from the confines of his suit. The smile from his mask had completely faded from his face, replaced with a horrific fanged scowl, his eyes glowing a haunting yellow hue. “You’re just going to glance over the fact Discord went orderly?! That’s the equivalent of Chaos Being Excommunication! And you’re going to treat it like it’s nothing?!” He pointed a gloved finger at the occupants of the room, Mayhem’s own voice growing higher and more demented with every syllable. “You are all pitiful excuses of Chaos Beings, not giving into primal desire and letting everything fall to destruction and anarchy like we should!”
“Malvonius, ya daft twit,” Sheogorath shouted, rising from Discord’s side and glaring daggers at the masked spirit. “Chaos isn’t purely about mass destruction, it’s about keeping things out of order ta keep them IN order!”
“That makes no sense.” Twilight muttered.
“YOU ALL DON’T MAKE ANY SENSE!” Mayhem roared, his eyes flashing a bright yellow once more. “My purpose in chaos is to spread as much of it as possible to any form, and I succeeded, considering that I shattered my own Universe. Just because none of you agree with my philosophy, the RIGHT philosophy,” Mayhem drifted over the table, snatching a crumpet from Eris’ plate. “Doesn’t mean I have to tie myself down my YOUR rules.” The mouth of the mask opened up, allowing for Mayhem to noisily eat the crumpet as the mask truly functioned as his face. “I was gonna give you all express passes to Yubaba’s Spirit Bathhouse after we took care of the WRONGNESS in this room,” Discord huffed, while Twilight allowed herself a small smirk. “But since all y’all are a bunch of brain-dead ORDERLIES, I’ll take my business elsewhere.” Mayhem reached into his hat, pulling out a small box. “So, I’ll just leave you with two things: a parting gift, and a warning. I’ll be back and bring about chaos unlike any other. CIAO!” Mayhem tossed the box onto the table and vanished in a puff of smoke. Everyone stared at the box left behind, waiting for it to either burst into flames or try and eat their faces. So, Mr. Mxyzptlk scooted over to the box, gave it a tap, and watched it fall open, revealing something… incredibly uncomfortable. It was a tiny lemon person, no bigger than a chicken, curled up in a fetal position with naught but a rusty screw on its person. And it was screaming. Not a cute one assumed by its size, no, it was moaning in a deep, nightmarish tone. The whole thing was freaking everyone out, especially when the lemon skin on its head peeled like a banana, revealing its exposed lemon within and a pair of bulbous, wide eyes. Not wanting to deal with Mayhem’s little present anymore, Eris emptied out a large sugar pot while Twilight levitated the screaming lemon into the pot, sealing it shut and successfully muffling the sound.
“I hate it when he does that.” Eris muttered, putting the pot aside. “Part of the reason I broke up with him.”
The tea party had gone on for a few more hours, and Twilight had surprisingly befriended a few of the other Chaos Spirits, finding that there was definitely more than meets the eye. However, the time had come for everyone to return home. Discord and Twilight bid the others farewell, exiting out the door that started it all, watching it fold up into nothingness.
"You know, that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be." Discord admitted. He turned his head, noticing that it had noticeably gotten darker. "Although, I didn't expect it to take as long."
"Time flies when you're having fun with old, or in my case, new friend," Twilight said with a smile. "I'm glad we managed to get through that in one piece."
"There's a lot that can catch you off guard about people you know." Discord said. "Thank you again, Twilight, for all the help. Well, ta ta!" Discord snapped his lion's paw and vanished in a flash of light. With everything finally settled, Twilight started to make her own way back home as well. She reached the doors of her Crystal Treehouse, surprised to find that someone left something on her doorstep. It was a little red pot. Twilight trotted over to the pot, opened it up, and was immediately assaulted by horrific moaning. She slammed the pot shut and let off an exasperated sigh.
"Chaos beings...."
Author's Note
I HAVE RETURNED! After a long hiatus, the IDA has returned to FiMFiction.net with the start of a new reboot series, with this being a simple prequel to the series itself. Also, as of the postage of this story, both Welcome to Hotel Nebula and Into the Abyss will be deleted for being garbage. No use cluttering up the pages with junk now, can we? Okay, source material down below for the different chaotic characters we've met.
Bill Cipher is from the TV Show Gravity Falls
Sheogorath, Daedric Prince of Madness, is from the videogame series The Elder Scrolls
The Nowhere Man (or Dr. Jeremy Hillary Boob, if you're so inclined. is from the Beatles Animated Movie (or whatever you can call that acid trip) Yellow Submarine
Eris, Goddess of Chaos, is from the TV Show The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy
Mr. Mxyzptlk (that's MIX-YES-SPIT-LICK for pronunciation, again) is from the Superman DC Comics
The Cheshire Cat is from Lewis Carol's Alice In Wonderland
Lemon Head is (reluctantly) from the TV Show, Adventure Time with Finn and Jake
And, but of course, the Magnificent Mister Mayhem is of the IDA's own design.
