Celesti-ain't

by Trixterforrester

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life
Length: 3294

A human falls from the sky and accidentally possesses celestia, he then proceeds to do the only rational thing any sane person would do in his situation, abuse his new found power like Tartarus.

Our protagonist falls from the sky and accidentally possesses Celestia, they then proceeds to do the only rational thing any sane person would do in his situation, abuse their new found power like Tartarus.

The cover art is not mine and can be found here (send them chocolate cake): http://magister39.deviantart.com/art/Celestia-Commander-Easyglider-costume-456932539

Published 2016-04-02 06:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-12-03 06:25:19 UTC

Chapter one: Geronimo

At first I thought I was dreaming.

I mean who wouldn't, if you where to suddenly awaken to find that you where falling from a cartoonishly blue sky, with cartoonishly white clouds and a cartoonishly yellow sun you would think you where dreaming as well. Because the alternative would be that you are either high literally or very high figuratively. Unfortunately you would also realise by the fact that you have no power over your flight and the fact that your eyelids feel like they're about to become detached from the air resistance, that you are infact not dreaming, leaving either drugs or a Murderous pilot as the only explanations; and I don't recall having ever done drugs in my life, so I was fairly certain I was about to become a meaty pancake.

Now the smart thing to do in a situation like this would be to check if you have a parachute, find somewhere soft to land or just forgo the previous options and start preforming tricks, not start flailing and screaming like I did, that is literally the fourth worst thing you could do in my current situation (I'll let you figure out the three worst options are); and as I fell and screamed, and fell, and screamed, and fell, and coughed, and then screamed some more I started to wonder how it was that I ended up in this situation to begin with.

Now seems like as good a place as any to give you my backstory; my name is Jared, I’m 19 and I never learnt how to read.

I’m kidding, you’ve gotta have a sense of humour in the face of your inevitable demise.

No, in reality I’m just your average, everyday teenage dirtbag baby. I spend my time alternating between doing gnarly kick flips off of my skate board that I totally own because that’s what all of the radical youth do, and not actually doing that because where’s the fun in being a reliable narrator.

And that's about all you’re getting out of me without a lawyer present, although I will say it is odd that I’m currently in this predicament, I can’t think of anything off the top of my head that could have lead to me free-falling from several thousand feet. I've had no magical mishaps with evil newts, no aliens come to bring me my destiny, no run in's with stereotypical Italian mobsters demanding me to pay up or lose my kneecaps, I'm just a normal person who just so happens to be plummeting to their death.

Oh right, I'm doing that, funny how things slip your mind.

So as I'm falling I see what looked like a town with a crystal tree in the centre and upon closer inspection it appears to be populated with animals made from crayons, some where flying, some wore armour, and there was even a pink one that appeared to have a cannon; but what I was most focused on was the white pillow the crayola creatures where surrounding, now my brain decided that the only sensible cause of action was to cannonball onto said pillow in an attempt to break my fall while shouting "GERONIMO!!" at the top of my lungs, a set of actions that I was all to happy to undergo until I suddenly exploded onto the scene. No seriously , I exploded on impact; it was awesome.

~~~~~

I awoke once again, only this time I was on the ground and everything around me was brown and on varying degrees of being on fireness, apparently my landing created quite the crater. I looked down at my body to make sure that I was in one piece and not missing a leg or something, luckily I wasn't missing any legs, in fact I had gained two and lost my arms.

I had four legs.

I had hooves.

I had become a horse.

I don't know why I became a horse but I felt majestic as fudge.

"Princess Celestia?" I turned around only to find a purple horse with a horn and wings looks at me with a look of concern plastered all over its long face.

"What?"

"Princess are you alright?" It seemed to be talking to someone in my general direction, I looked around to find my humble hole completely devoid of of all life outside of myself and the aforementioned panicked purple plushy.

"Are you talking to me?" Now I’m not a princess, mostly due to the minor detail that I am not one. So being referred to as princess was both extremely confusing and a boost to my ego, fortunately the two more or less canceled each other out, leaving me only slightly confused.

"Yes, are you feeling alright? You just kind of exploded out of the blue", it's face suddenly changed from consern to panic in less then a second; "OH LUNA, IS THIS A TEST?! IT IS ISN'T IT! OH NO NO NO NO NO, I FAILED DIDN'T I! I DON'T WANNA GO TO ROYAL MAGIC KINDERGARTEN!!!" It spouted, it (seriously is it a girl or a boy? The colour suggest it's a chick but the thing on its head could be a penis for all I know, and I don’t, I’m not a horse doctor) ran around in circles on the brink of what looked like a heart attack/panic attack combination of ultimate anxiety.

"Um...calm down?"

"YOU'RE GOING TO PUNISH ME FOR MY SHORT COMINGS, WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE ME OF ALL PONIES! THERE WHERE STILL SO MANY BOOKS I HAD YET TO READ AND SPELLS I'VE YET TO LEARN!!! WHYYYY!!!"

"Ok please stop now this is starting to get annoying..."

"GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

""STOP SCREAMING!!!" my voice boomed, I had a bit of a royal and commanding flair it seemed.

"GAAA-" it paused mid scream as it regained its composer; "ahem, sorry Princess I keep forgetting about that whole public image thing, but are you feeling alright? No magical build ups or broken anythings?"

"No no I'm fine" I said trying to defuse the potentially awkward situation, "although I do have a couple of quick questions, don't think about them too hard as they could have some unseen ramifications that might just result in my potential execution for cannonballing onto a royal figure, but: Who are you? Are you a chick? Are you a mutant? Why am I a horse? Where am I? And why is everything going fuzzy..." I didn't even get my answers as my brain decided it had had enough crazy and adrenaline for one day and then proceeded to cause me to lose consciousness once again.
Worst. Drug trip. Ever.

Author's Note

So yeah, I had an idea the other night for a series and so I started writing and eventually came up with this thing.
I do want to continue it so if anyone ends up reading this attempt at outdoing Shakespeare then feel free to leave comments bellow stating whether or not you hate it, love it, or generally feel absolutely nothing towards it and will continue your life without even the slightest of deviations to the path layed out to you by the three fates and their oversized socks of doom.

So yeah, criticisms are welcome as I do want to improve and currently I think that my writing is just a few rungs above completely illegible and I want to change that in the future inorder to create something that could potentially brighten up someone's day :pinkiesmile: .

Chapter two: Hospitals and hospitality

I awoke once again (seriously this is just getting old now), this time in a soft bed rather then a cloud or fiery hole, which was a pleasant surprise.

Upon looking around my immediate vecinity I deduced that I was currently situated within some kind of horse hospital; I looked down at my newly acquired foreleg I found my hoof was being firmly grasped by that purple freak of nature from before.

("Twilight...")

THE FROG WAS THAT!?

("That freak of nature as you so aptly put it is my student and loyal friend Twilight Sparkle.")

Um...alright...and who might you be miss disembodied voice?

("My name is Princess Celestia, the sun shackler, demon purger, wielder of the solar plot, one of the two ruling diarchs of Equestira and the bane of patisserie's across the land; but you can refer to me as Celestia.")

....

("Also I'm not disembodied, I'm just not in control of my own at the time being, you seem to have taken up that role as of late.")

Isn’t that the definition of a disembodied voice? And more importantly why do you sound so relaxed with this whole situation taking place?

("Semantics.") Celestia said, or would it be thought... ("As for why I'm so 'relaxed' as you put it, well I've been planing on taking a vacation for a while now and this seems like it could be potentially more entertaining then sending faux friendship problems to Twilight like last time".)

("Besides I have total faith that my sister will be able to keep things from turning to custard for at least a few weeks.)

"PRINCESS!" I snapped out of my internal duologue to the loud mutant-

("Twilight")

Please don't interrupt my narration, now as I was saying-

"PRINCESS!!!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GLOB WHAT DO YOU WANT!"

"Oh sorry princess, I just wanted to make sure you where alright once you came too, the girls and I were really worried for you."

I tore my eyes away from Twilight to see 8 pairs of eyes looking back at me, 2 horses ("ponies please, the term horse is very offenceive in our culture") sorry, PONIES with horns, 2 with wings, 2 with neither, 1 with both and another that looked like a midget dinosaur.

"Oh...um...hi?"

"Sister!" Exclamed the tall dark blue wingy horny pony, "Are you alright? I received word from the elements that you had violently combusted while visiting your pupil, have you perhaps been put under the effects of an explosive vocabulary curse like the ruler of the fungus people a few millennia ago?"

("That was also a great weekend, they had some wonderful plumbers back there. Such a shame they where conquered by the dragons".)

Now that just sounds silly.

"No no I'm fine, although Celestia is a different story," I thought that it might just be better to get the truth out in the open so that I could go home sooner rather then later, "see, I might have accidentally made her go kaboom after cannonballing onto her, and maybe might have slightly accidentally taken control of her body..."

I look around at the stunned faces of the ponies surrounding my bed for a few seconds, thinking that I might have just given myself a death sentence rather than an exorcism; until Twilight burst out laughing.

"He..he..good one princess, but I've known you long enough to know that you're too strong mentally and magically for any spirit, wraith or other phantasmagoria to possess you in a matter of seconds, forget about by accident."
I realised at this point that she probably wouldn't believe me or attempt anything to get me fixed unless I did something drasticly out of character.

("what are you planning?")

"Twilight, how long have I known you?"

"Most of my life."

"And would you say that I care for you deeply and wouldn't do anything to intentionally harm you?"

"Without a doubt."

("oh no")

"Good, could you come closer for a second please?" I asked, to which Twilight nodded and leaned in towards my raised head.

I then proceeded to deck her right in her adorable purple face.

("oh my me")

"I think that should be proof enoug-"

I then got decked in return by what felt like a rainbow with brass knuckles.

"WHAT THE HAY DID YOU DO THAT TO TWI FOR YOU GHOSTLY COW PAT!!!" It appeared that the rainbow could also communicate aswell as throw a hard right.

"Well I needed proof so that somebody could get me out of the Royal marshmallows body and back into my own." I responded, rubbing my muzzle and cursing under my breath.

"SO YOU HIT HER!"

"I didn't think she would believe me unless I did something out of character for her."

"THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAD TO HIT MY FRIEND!"

"IN THE SPAN OF LESS THAN A DAY I HAVE FALLEN FROM THE SKY, EXPLODED, BECAME A RULER OF AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT SPECIES, PASSED OUT MULTIPLE TIMES AND BEEN PUNCHED BY A RAINBOW WITH WINGS, I THINK I HAVE AN EXCUSE FOR PUNCHING A FREAKING HORSE!!"

("Pony")

"YOU SHUT UP TOO SUN BUTT!"

"Um, excuse me, but who are you shouting at?" The voice this time came from the yellow one.

"Oh, yeah, Celestia’s in my head too, and she's being very rude to me."

("No I'm not")

Shut up.

"Celestia's alright?" Said Twilight as she picked herself up off the floor.

"I believe so, although she said she's currently on vacation; sorry about punching you by the way."

"It's alright, I guess she deserves a break every now and then for all her hard work" she said (it is a she right Celestia? "yes, 'it' is infact a mare"), rubbing her cheek. "Although I'd rather you not hit anyone else while in my mentors body."

This time the pony with the apple tattoo's spoke up, "But what should we do about this spirit fella, we can't 'ave a country run by somepony who 'as no idea what he's doin', no offence but you don't seem all that...princess-y"

"I agree, although she told me that her sister should keep things from falling apart for a while, also I'd like to state that I am not a ghost and up until recently was also not a pony (see I’m getting the hang of it); I don't suppose I could get all of yours perchance?"

"'Right, my name's Applejack."

"I'm Rainbow Dash."

"Rarity, pleasure to meet you."

"Hi, I'm Spike."

"Starlight Glimmer."

"Fluttershy."

what?

("she said Fluttershy")

Right, onto the tall one then.

"I am princess Luna, whom my sister has no doubt already informed you about."

("Say I have")

"No she hasn't."

("I'm starting to think you don't like me much")

Meh, you talk too much.

"Oh, well I guess she must have been busy trying to find a way to purge her body of you herself"

"Yeah, lets go with that; so last but not least, what's your name pinkie?"

"Pinkie!"

"Yes I just said that, but what is your name?"

"Pinkie!"

"Yes, but what is your name?"

"Pinkie!"

".....Is this one broken or something?" I ask Rarity

"Nope, that is her name; 'Pinkamena Diane Pie', or 'Pinkie Pie' as she likes to be called."

"Oh...sorry Pinkie"

"Pinkie!"

"Hold on" A.J bonks Pinkie on the head, making her whole body shudder and spasm before making what sounded like the Windows start up noise.

"HI THERE! I'm Pinkie Pie! But you can just call me Pinkie Pie! Do you like cake? What's your favourite flavour? I bet it's my 10 tier chocolate 4987 ways cake since that's Celestia's favourite and you look just like her! Are you her long lost twin or something!" She then proceeded to leap into the air, seemingly shattering the laws of physics in doing so as she remained there in the same location for several seconds, "GGGGGGGGGAAAAAASSSSSSSSPPPPPPPPP! You are aren't you! That means you're a princess aswell, and that means that I have to throw you a party since we now have five princesseseseseseses, and I'd also have to throw you a welcome to Ponyville party, and a get well soon party, and a long lost twins reunion party for you and Celestia, and a long lost big sister reunion party for you and Luna and it will be the BIGGEST BESTEST PARTY EVER!!!!!" she then decided to finally land as she pulled a cannon from her hair and used it to shower us all in cupcake scented confetti, "I'd better start planning it, see ya soon!" Pinkie then rushed out through the window and down the street at 50 miles per hour.

"Is that normal around here?" I asked the group, who asides from some loose bits of confetti convering there heads looked reletivly unfazed.

"More or less" said Twilight, "although if she's planning a party that big I'd of thought she would have fired of some more party cannons, I guess she was in a hurry."

"Wait she has more of them? Where can I buy one?"

"You know, I'm not actually sure if you can, they just seem to materialise from out of her mane, I have tried checking in there for a wormhole or pocket dimension or something but all I found was her head" she said, tapping her muzzle in thought. "I’ll have to look into that at some point.”

“Well in the mean time I don’t think we ever actually asked you what your name is." Said the one with the horn, Starlight I think it was.

"Oh yeah, right, sorry about that. My name is Celestia.”

What.

(”I’m sorry?")

I shook my head and tried again “That’s odd, my name isn’t Celestia, it’s Celestia.”

Ok this is officially starting to creep me out.

“Umm, are you ok there?” Twilight said, looking concerned.

“Uh yeah, let’s just get out of here. My heads a bit fuzzy and a walk might do me some good, you know get the blood pumping and all that.” I said hurriedly before rolling out of the hospital bed, where I made the rookie mistake of forgetting that I was a quadruped, resulting in what would have been a rather unpleasant experience with the floor. Luckily I was caught in some form of glowing, gravitational anomaly before that could happen and was brought to my rather unstable hooves.

I looked over at Twilight to see that her horn was glowing as she said, “Celestia, please stay here a little longer. Just until we know if you’re alright or not, ok?”

“Look Twilight, I’d love to but I really don’t want to be in here any longer than I have to be. So how about we go to somewhere that is not a hospital and I can rest there, deal?”

Twilight paused.

“Please?”

Silence from Twilight.

“Pretty please?”

More silence...

“With a cherry on-“

“Fine,” she relented with a sigh, “Luna, could you help me get her to the castle?”

Score. And so I set off from the hospital with both mares flanking me on either side as we made our way towards a massive crystal eyesore.

”It’s actually Twilight’s castle”

Neat, do you have one?

”A Crystal Palace? No, but I have my top mares working on it”

I’m sorry?

”Top. Mares.

Author's Note

So we now know a bit more of our ~~hero~~ ~~protagonist~~ poor sod of whom we are following's situation as well as Celestia's and some character introductions, now onto the next poorly written chapter!

As you might have noticed I haven't been using real swears in this story, and have instead been using various words and fake swears that fit the context, now I have two, reasons for doing this:
1: I'm trying to keep this story with an E rating
2: I just think they are funnier and allow for more creativity in my writing then by just putting down a black censored bar or just writing a naughty word that refers to the intimate act of love making between two or more partners of either gender.

Thank you for your co-operation and I hope to be hearing from your lawyers soon for making a top men joke.