The Land Before Time Crossover That You've Been Waiting For Your Entire Life

by Good Christian Ethesto

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Romance, Sex, Horror, Random, Adventure, Diamond Tiara, Crossover, Berry Punch, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4091

After the Great Valley was destroyed by sharp teeth, Littlefoot and friends had to flee. Now they find themselves in Ponyville. What could possibly go wrong?!

After the Great Valley was destroyed by sharp teeth, Littlefoot and friends had to flee. Now they find themselves in Ponyville. What could possibly go wrong?!

Published 2016-03-29 15:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-29 15:50:01 UTC

Attack on sharp teeth

Drops of sweet sweat rolled down Littlefoot's grizzled hide as he stared out at the army of 10,000 sharp teeth outside the walls of the Great Valley. "Wow, this is just like that scene in the second Lord of the Rings movie," he remarked, being a complete weeb who likes to compare everything to his Japanese animes. Unfortunately for him, no horse army was anywhere in sight to save the day.

"Yep, yep, yep," agreed Ducky, who's voice actress deserved everything she got.

The group of small, prehistoric mammals also included Spike, Sarah, and Petrie. Sarah was, of course, named that because she's a Trisarahtops, and also Petrie was a petriedactyle which is like a flying lizard, but not a dragon.

Then, while no one was looking, Spike ate 40 tree stars. He ate forty tree stars. That's as many as four tens, and that's terrible.

Sarah's dad walked up, and his name is also 'Sarah' for the same reason I mentioned a second ago. "Hey Sarah," said Littlefoot casually, "what's going on with all the sharp teeth? Are we gonna fight them or something?"

"Shut your long-neck mouth you fucking pile of shit," he responded. Three-horns don't talk to long-necks. Then he turned to the rest of the group. "We're abandoning the Great Valley. There's no way we could possibly fight all those sharp teeth and no horse army is coming to save us."

"WAAAAAAAH!" All of them responded at the same time like a group of shocked anime characters because I was actually the weeb all along, not Littlefoot.

"But papa, we can't leave the Great Valley. Where else are we gonna get tree stars this dank?" She held up her blunt for emphasis.

"Shit man, those s-sharp teeth can e-e-eat my scrote," announced a distraught Petrie who has asperger's.

"Yep, yep, yep," Ducky agreed.

"Don't be upset little ones, except for you Littlefoot. Fuck you. We can find a new home elsewhere. We just have to all go together and nothing bad could possibly happen. You'll see," said Sarah's dad tenderly as he leaned in and whispered a few sultry words into Sarah's ear hole. Sarah got those bedroom eyes and batted him with a dinosaur hoof playfully.

"Oh shucks, save it for later, dad," she chuckled with a blush.

Just then, a sharp tooth suicide bombed the wall of the Great Valley, blowing a massive hole in it. Before the smoke could even settle, hundreds of sharp teeth were flooding into the valley, praising the great sky T-rex. At that moment, the dinosaurs of the great valley received a grim reminder that they live in fear of the sharp teeth.

"Holy shit man, everypony run!" Shouted Sarah's dad as he led the group towards the secret escape passage at the other end of the Great Valley. All around them sharp teeth were blowing up, destroying the defenseless herbivores by the dozens. I mean, maybe if they weren't such infidels they wouldn't have had to deal with this.

They hardly got half way there when a sharp tooth jumped in front of them, wearing a turbine on its head. The group immediately skid to a halt and Sarah's dad pointed his three, mighty horns at the interloper. "We don't like your kind 'round these parts," he explained.

"Now wait just a minute there, not all sharp teeth are terrorists. Sharp teeth are actually peace-loving dinosaurs and only a small percent of us actually cause problems, and they aren't even real sharp teeth. Our sharp tooth religion is one of peace and most of us don't even stone our women or fuck goats."

"Wow, really?" asked Petrie, who's stupid and gullible.

"Then what are those strapped to your belly?" Littlefoot wondered, honestly not sure because he wasn't wearing his glasses. The Sharp Tooth looked down, realizing that the gig was up, they had spotted the belt of explosives strapped to his chest.

Without a moment's hesitation the sharp tooth charged at Sarah's dad. "Tyrannusauru Rexbar!"

Before the group could do anything, there was an explosion and Sarah's dad was blown to bits. Littlefoot was thrown to the ground, the ringing in his ears the only thing he could hear as he dizzily got up and looked around. A clubtail flailed past him, engulfed in flames. He turned to his left and saw an armless duck bill wandering around. After a moment, it reached down and picked up its arm before shambling away.

"Littlefoot!" The sound of Petrie screaming in his ear finally got his attention as the ringing died down. "Get a hold of yourself, man, we gotta make like Jimmie Nutron and blast!" It's canon because Jimmy Nutron goes back in time in one episode.

"Yep, yep, yep," said Ducky and also she has Asperger's too.

Before long, the group of nimble, little dinos had made it to the other side of the Great Valley, where the sharp teeth hadn't gotten to yet. There they saw Littlefoot's grandma and grandpa, who seemed oblivious to the panic going on a short distance away.

Littlefoot stopped and yelled at them. "Are you guys not wearing your hearing aids today?"

The long necks scrunched their eyes as they looked at him. "Littlefoot, is that you? What are you whipper snappers up to today? Hopefully not walking on MY grass."

"Are you guys wearing your hearing aids?" repeated Littlefoot.

"What?" they asked in unison.

"Are you wearing your hearing aids?!" shouted Littlefoot.

The two longnecks looked at each other and chuckled. "We're a bit to old to have eggs, Littlefoot."

"No, are you wearing your hearing aids?!" he screamed.

"Well, if you really want to know, we do both have HIV, but it isn't full-blown AIDS yet," responded Grandma.

Littlefoot was about to yell again, when he instead let out a sigh. "Never mind," he turned to walk away when his Grandpa called out to him.

"Oh, Littlefoot, your Grandma and I have been talking, and we've decided you're old enough to know the truth."

Littlefoot spun around and fixed them with a wrench-like stare, "the truth?"

"You're adopted," announced Grandma bluntly. "We're not your real parents."

Littlefoot scrunched up his face like a sock after I've masturbated into it. "Well, I already knew that. You're my grandparents. I knew my mom."

Of course, they couldn't hear a word he was saying, and just continued. "Your real parents are at this address," they explained as they handed him a 10.5" x 8" sheet of loose leaf notebook paper with an address written on it in sharpie. "Go there and learn who you really are."

Littlefoot was about to explain to them that they were wrong when a sharp-tooth came out of fucking nowhere, strapped with enough c4 to destroy an entire bag of long-necks. Before Spike could eat even half of forty leaf stars Littlefoot's grandparents were a smoldering pile of rubble. Scorched Earth.

"Holy shit," shouted Sarah, who had PTSD from watching her father get blown up in the exact same way, which made this scene particularly stressful for her.

"Come on," alerted Petrie who spotted over a hundred sharp teeth coming their way, "let's get the f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-flippin' heck outa here." Without further adieu, they made it into the secret passage, which was actually only large enough for small dinosaurs to fit through anyway so none of the others would been able to escape regardless.

"Aw jeez, the Great Valley is destroyed," sulked Petrie.

"Yep, yep, yep," Ducky said in a defeated tone.

"What are we gonna do now?" Wondered Sarah, who has basically the same name as little foot's mom, which I find kind of strange. Like, do dinosaurs only have a few dozen names or something?

Littlefoot looked down at the note in his dinosaur hoof. "I suppose we can go to this address. Maybe whoever they are will let us stay there."

"Sounds like a plan, chief," said Sarah as they made their way through the passage. It looked like the group had quite the adventure on their hands. Little did they know, they were being followed. Chomper, the only sharp tooth small enough to fit through the hole, glared at them. He'd never forgive them for what they'd done. He'd make them pay...

"Wow, that sure was an epic adventure," said Littlefoot as he and his party stepped out of the dark woods. "I still can't believe Spike managed to solo the Lich King." Spike had that same smug look he always has, but now he had a legendary sword strapped to his back.

Sarah chuckled, "I thought it was pretty impressive how you used the shares to gain godlike powers and collided the four floating islands, killing everyone in Gameindistri."

"Yep, yep, yep," acknowledged Ducky.

"I still can't b-believe it's not b-b-butter," stuttered Petrie, completely ruining the joke.

Littlefoot looked down at the sheet of paper, and then looked up. "Hey look, we're here."

The group looked up and, sure enough, on a nearby cottage was the exact address on the note. The house was right on the edge of town, so the group walked up to the door. "The year's 20XX, who still lives in houses?" wondered Sarah, who'd never even been inside a house, much less lived in one.

"It's like these people don't even sleep in the dirt with the camels," said Littlefoot, announcing his disgust. Unbeknownst to him, the owner of this house had slept in the dirt with many a camel, if'n you catch my driftwood.

"You know, now that we're here, I'm a little nervous in the service about who we're gonna meet. I mean, what kind of freak lives in a house? Maybe we should just leave," said Petrie like a sniveling, little creep.

"No way, Jose-bot," announced Littlefoot who's basically in charge, "we came this far, we can't possibly turn back now. Not when we're so close!"

"I-I'm Petrie," Petrie said, a little upset his closest friend had forgot his name.

Ignoring the winged-lizard, he took a deep breath and readied himself. Honestly, Littlefoot was a bit nervous in the service too, but he didn't want to show it in front of everypony else. Then he felt a dinosaur hand on his shoulder. He turned and saw that it was Ducky, who nodded her head at him.

"Yep, yep, yep," she reassured.

Littlefoot turned back and steeled himself, preparing for the worst as he walked up to the door and pushed the doorbell several times. After a few moments, a tiny horse answered, opening the door and looking at them. She just sighed and rubbed her face with one horse hand. "Mooooom! It's for you!"

The group of dinosaurs shared a look of confusion as another horse showed up at the door. She was some gross purplish color and had similar-colored hair, though the group couldn't actually tell because dinosaurs are colorblind. So are horses, for that matter, but this was no ordinary-human horse. It was actually a pony and they were all in Ponyville.

"If you're looking for child support you aint gettin' any from me," said Berry abruptly as she moved to slam the door. Littlefoot was lightning fast, though, like some kind of horrible, rocket cheetah, and he slammed Petrie into the gap in the door before she could close it all the way.

"Not so fast, horse," he said, "I will not be denied." Despite being baby dinosaurs, Littlefoot was actually almost twice the size of Berry, and he easily broke the door in half with his mighty dinosaur hoof.

"We don't want any trouble now," said Berry, who was starting to sweat sweet sweet sweat.

"You got trouble," announced Littlefoot as he barged his way inside. "Trouble's my middle name."

Sarah smashed her way through the wall and took a look around, "nice place ya' got 'ere."

"Yep, yep, yep," said Ducky, who didn't even take her shoes off as she walked across the carpet. Spike was in the kitchen, cleaning out the fridge.

Berry had had just bout enough. No way was she gonna let some little punks come in here and walk all over her. She jumped out of the way before being stepped on. "Hey, what the hibbity-heck is going on here?"

Littlefoot turned and gave her the paper. "This is your address, isn't it?"

She looked it over, "well yeah."

"Then that means you're my real mother," said Littlefoot. There was a gasp from the live studio audience, and Berry looked over to Maury.

"Is this true?!"

Maury Povich pulled out a manila envelope and looked each person assembled in the eye before he pulled the sheet out. "According to the DNA test, Littlefoot is, in fact, your son."

"Damn, I knew I shouldn't have fucked literally every type of creature on this planet," Berry cried in outrage as she remembered back to her insane college days. "Well this is a real problem. I already have one little shit to deal with," she finished, pointing at Berry Pinch, who was 'Mommy's favorite accident'. Mainly because he other accident, as it turned out, was a fucking dinosaur.

Haha, wow! What a goofy situation! What shenanigans will our protagonists find themselves in next? Well you just gotta read the next chapter to find out you digital dumbey!

Land before chyme

"Alright class, we have some new students transferring in today," announced Cheerilee. This got everypony's attention, and the group of rambunctious mini horses instantly quieted down. As she said this, Sarah smashed her way through the door frame, widening it with her bulk, the others close behind.

Cheerilee laughed nervously as the dinosaurs took up most of the space at the front of the room, making her feel a bit claustrophobic. "Please, no more presents, you fat man," she whispered under her breath, terrible memories of Christmases past being dredged up. It was over in a moment, and she was back to introducing the new arrivals.

"These are Sarah, Littlefoot, Spike, Petrie, and Ducky," she announced, using the oxford comma because she has an education. "Starting today they'll be joining us in class."

One of the ponies raised his or her arm, and Cheerilee was quick to point at them. "Yes Pudding Pusher?"

"There's already someone in this town named Spike, won't the audience of retarded bronies get confused if there're two Spikes?" He asked.

Cheerilee couldn't help but think the same thing, but she always liked to look at things positively. It set a good example for the children. "Now now, I'm sure bronies are intelligent enough to differentiate between two separate characters with the same name," she lied through her teeth. Just to clarify, the Spike in the school is the dinosaur one. The other Spike is uneducated because he's basically a slave. Then another pony put its hand in the air, and waved it like it just didn't care.

"Yes, Diamond Tiara?"

"Their names are stupid, and they smell bad, and they're too big to be in the classroom, and they aren't even ponies at all," she listed, bringing up like, a fourth of sixteen good points.

"Be that as it may," Cheerilee said, giving Diamond a glare that could cut diamonds. Haha, just kidding, Cheerilee would never assault a child, "I want you to make them feel welcome."

The group of dinos were watching the exchange with varying levels of confusion. Mostly they wondered how the small horses sat in chairs and raised their horse arms. Dinosaurs sure as hell weren't that flexible. "You know, I didn't want to say anything," started Littlefoot as he pushed his glasses up on his nose, "but if anyone here smells bad, it's you."

The whole class 'Oooooo'd' at such a harsh burn, and Diamond Tiara was fucking miffed. Before the situation could escalate any further, Cheerilee shoo'd them to their seats, which were in the back of class. She'd pulled out some old desks when she heard they'd be getting new students, and while they weren't the prettiest things, they were sturdy and could be used for years to come.

Walking down the row of seats, Sarah knocked everypony out of the way, sending desks and horses flying in all directions like the Juggernaut, bitch. Within seconds, she was at the back of the class, and thoroughly crushed every single desk back there. "What is this? A desk for ants?" she wondered as she stood in a pile of rubble.

"Desks are for idiots anyway," explained Littlefoot who was too cool for desks.

"Yep, yep, yep," agreed Ducky.

Cheerilee's fake smile faltered only for a moment as she watched the new students obliterate several hundred bits worth of school equipment. The school board was never gonna let her live this down, those greedy Jews. "Haha... Well, I guess you guys can stand then." Not for the first time, Cheerilee regretted her career choice, but she had to pay her student loans somehow.

"Alright, class, let's pick up where we left off yesterday," Cheerilee began as she turned to the chalk board, only to come face to face with Spike, who was currently eating all her chalk. Looking over, he'd also apparently eaten all the papers off her desk while she was distracted with the others. She ground her teeth, this close to blowing up. And I mean literally. The magic that ponies use comes from a uranium core in their sternums. By now, our protagonists probably already had cancer from radiation exposure, but that's a story for another day.

Instead of losing her shit, she simply took a few deep breaths. "Alright class, let's have an early recess."

Everypony cheered as they all rushed out the doors to the playground. Following suit, Littlefoot and friends smashed a hole in the wall to get out, leaving a stunned Cheerilee all alone. Her eye twitched as she looked at the damage, and for several seconds, nothing happened. Then she exploded.

"School is kinda lame," said Littlefoot, honestly not understanding why he had to go in the first place. He'd learned everything he needed to know from his grandparents. Like how to eat tree stars, and how to sleep on the ground. The only reason they were here at all was because Berry Punch insisted. Something about getting them out of her hair, which was weird because only one of them at most could fit in her hair at a time.

"You said it, pal. Ponies are weird," Petrie agreed, happy to be out of that stuffy building where he could spread his wings and reveal his impressive wingspan of like four feet.

"Wow, ya'll guys sure was cool, stickin' it ta Diamond Tiara like that," said Applebloom from a few feet away. The group all turned, none having noticed the tiny ponies sneaking up on them.

"Yeah, you were totally RAD," shouted Scooterloop, who's orange FYI. "RAD as in cool, not RAD as in radation."

"Don't you mean, 'Radiation'?" asked Sweetie Belle, actually in character. I'm honestly impressed with myself.

"Shut up your dweeb," said Scooterloop, giving her white, nerdy friend a wedgie in an attempt to look cool in front of the new students. It totally worked, and the group all laughed at Sweetie Belle's expense.

"Wow, you're such a dork," exclaimed Littlefoot.

"Yep, yep, yep," spat Ducky, venom squirting from the hollow points of her fangs and into Sweetie Belle's eyes, temporarily blinding her and likely causing long-term cornea damage.

"Hey, ya'll guys 'n gals wanna be friends?" Applebloom asked with a winning smile, "I rekkin ah noticed none a ya'll have your darn tootin' cutie marks neither!"

The group looked at her in confusion. Then Littlefoot leaned over and whispered in Sarah's ear hole, "That don't sound like no English I never heard, what the heck's it saying."

"Maybe it's possessed," offered Sarah. "Or maybe it's just like Spike." Which is to say retarded.

They shared a glance at Spike who's eyes were each looking in different directions, his face dominated by a shit-eating grin. Likely because he'd eaten tons of shit today. They turned back to Applebloom and smiled their own winning smiles. "Weeee, speeeeak, Eeeeengliiiish," said Littlefoot slowly. "Eeeeenglish."

"Hah, I reckon ah do too, ya' hear?" Applebloom said, smacking her knee and taking a gulp from her jug of moonshine.

"Eeeeeeeenglish, you moooother fuuuuucker," shouted Sarah, who isn't know for her tact.

"Yep, yep, yep," contributed Ducky.

Unfortunately, the rest of this conversation would have to wait for later, as Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon showed up, still pretty miffed about earlier. "I don't know who you weirdos think you are, but around here, I'm in charge. My daddy own this town, so don't think you can get away with calling me names, you smelly reptiles. Now how are you gonna make it up to me?"

Now she'd crossed the fucking line. Littlefoot and crew were peace-loving dinosaurs. They dint want no trouble, but not even they could sit by while some prissy, mammalian grass-guzzler made racial slurs at them.

"I know you didn't call me a 'reptile', you little bitch. That's our word. I'll fuckin' wreck you," shouted Littlefoot angrily as he approached Diamond Tiara, who suddenly looked terrified.

"These c-c-claws aint just for attractin' a m-mate," threatened Petrie as he hovered closer.

"Yep, yep, yep," ducky spat, however she was fresh out of venom, her venom glands as dry and barren as my testicles (cuz I just had a good wank ;).

"Y-you guys better stop, or my dad will hire assassins again!" She threatened, constantly stepping back as the angry dinosaurs slowly closed in on her. Murder in their eyes. Then she was stopped in her tracks as she bumped into something behind her. She turned, only to see Spike looming over her, that retarded smile plastered on his face. She screamed as he began hacking.

Then, like a horrible waterfall, a stream of brown liquid squirted from his mouth, splashing into Diamond's surprised face with all the force of a super soaker. She screamed, but this only served to get some of it in her mouth as he continued to vomit, spitting up crumpled pieces of paper, pebbles, grass, and all manner of other little things he'd eaten on his way to school. His chyme stunk worse than anything the ponies had ever smelled, and everypony in the school yard who had been casually watching the exchange took off to escape the stench.

The geyser of hot, partially-digested garbage spew out for a solid ten seconds, the stream never breaking as Spike voided his entire stomach onto her, power washing her in goo. At first, Diamond simply gagged and held her eyes closed to the assault, but after a few moments, her skin began to burn as she was completely coated in digestive enzymes.

"Oh Celestia, that burns! Aaaaaah," she continued to scream even after Spike had finished. The rest of the dinosaurs had all gathered around, laughing at the display.

"Wow, good one Spike," said Sarah, who was having a sensible chuckle.

"Haha, yeah, that's actually a great idea," announced Littlefoot. He began hacking and, after a moment, a stream of putrid bile frothed out of his mouth and down his chin, dripping onto the screaming pony. Normally a long neck wouldn't be able to vomit, but since Littlefoot is still young, his neck isn't too long. He'd be able to enjoy the comfort of vomiting for a few more years before he, sadly, grew out of it

Before long, the others were following suit, giving Diamond Tiara a fresh coating of enzymes and breakfast. She fell to the ground, writhing as smoke began to waft from her body as her skin melted, and the group couldn't help but laugh heartily together. Within minutes, Diamond had completely melted into a semi-solid pool of goo, taking on a consistency similar to applesauce.

The dinosaurs couldn't help but note that it smelled good, and before any of them could sample the taste, Spike leaned in and lapped up the pool of slop in record time, eating every last drop.

"Wow, Spike, you must've been hungry," said Petrie, who was actually a bit upset he didn't get to try some.

Spike showed no sign that he'd even heard the comment as his eyes simply drifted in opposite directions.

Figuring that school was probably over since everypony had gone home, the group began heading back to Berry's house. "You know," started Littlefoot, "school wasn't all that bad."