We are not your Mares

The Honeymoon Phase, she had heard it called. The first heat season after assignment. Those first three months of your new life, where everything's great because you're getting what your body tells you it wants.

Scootaloo's Honeymoon Phase was now over. And it had left her with an ache in her belly and an anxiety gnawing on the back of her mind. She had been so certain that her new life with Rainboomer was what she wanted. Every day for the past three months she had woken up excited and energetic, and gone to sleep relaxed and contented. Her days were filled with lust and the satisfaction of quenching it. And Boomer had been by her side every day, to make her feel taken care of. She thought it was love. Now she wasn't so sure.

She was in the center of the bed, her legs entangled with Boomie's. Fireball was to the left of them, curled up in a tight ball. Zipporwhirll was to their right, her limbs splayed out like a starfish made of soft white fur. She hadn't minded this arrangement before. In fact, it had been her idea. She liked the thought of being closest to Boomie, and he seemed to like it too. Knowing that out of his three mares she was his favorite had made her feel warm inside. Now she just felt trapped, like she was sleeping in the middle of a minefield. One wrong move would wake them up, and then she'd have to explain why she wasn't asleep. And Boomie would nuzzle her and tell her it was okay, because that was what he did, and she'd believe him, or say she did, at least. And that kernel of doubt that was smouldering would be subdued, but it wouldn't be extinguished, which she knew would somehow make it even more unbearable, because he would never see it there.

What's wrong with you, she asked herself. No one else has a problem with this, so why do you? This is supposed to be fun. Why aren't you having fun?

She couldn't stay like this. Boomie was wrapped up so tightly in their embrace, and it put a pressure on her chest that made her feel like she was drowning. Very slowly, with painstaking care, she began to untangle herself from him. She froze, every time she thought she heard something, lying still until she could feel the gentle rhythm of his breathing again, letting her know he was still fast asleep.

This is wrong, she thought. He's your stallion. She felt like she was lying to him, which she knew was a sin. That had been hammered into her pretty well in school. A stallion should always please his mare. And in return, a mare must always be loyal to her stallion. It was how the world worked, the very foundation of their society. You couldn't argue with that. And the thought that could even think about being disloyal filled her with shame.

This wasn't the first time she had felt like this, but it was never quite this severe. Fortunately, she knew the cure. She finally finished disentangling herself from Boomie and crawled off the foot of the bed.

She stuck her hoof under the bed, reaching up between the boards that supported the mattress until she felt the item she had lodged up there: a bound leather book. One of the few items she had with her at the foster care system.

Technically, the book now belonged to Boomie. When the box full of her belongings finally arrived at her new home two weeks after she had, she was over the moon. She couldn't wait to show her stallion an object that was so important to her. And when she pulled it out, her entire new family was impressed. Just not for the reasons she had anticipated.

"Look at that binding," said Raincloud, Boomie's father. "This is a fine piece of craftsmanship."

"And is that gold fringe? Man you could fetch a pretty bit for it at the market," said Blaze, Boomie's older brother.

"What if I don't want to sell it?" Scootaloo asked, which only got a couple of chuckles out of the two older stallions. Boomie seemed about as confused as she was.

"Legally, the book belongs you Boomie," Blaze explained. "She's your mare, bro. Scootaloo can tell you what she wants, but it's your call."

Raincloud nodded. "I'd still sell it if I were you," he said. "This is a thing from her old life. She doesn't need it anymore. And take some advice from a guy with a lot more experience with mares: you need to show your mare's that you're the one in charge. Otherwise they think they can get away with things, and nopony wants that."

This was a habit of Boomie's father that Scootaloo would soon learn to recognize: he seldom explicitly told his children what to do. But his suggestions might as well be orders, unless someone wanted to earn his ire. Although he hadn't given the command, his desires were clear: Boomie was to sell the book. And as much as Boomie wanted to make Scootaloo happy, he wasn't about to openly defy his father.

This had been their compromise. Hide the book, tell Raincloud they had sold it, and let him believe what he wanted to believe.

"Hey," Boomer hissed from his spot in the bed, startling her out of her memories. Unlike Scootaloo, he didn't dare move and risk waking up the others.

Scootaloo's heart jumped, and she blocked the book with her body and looked back. In the dark, it was hard to make out his face. Was he upset with her? He never had been before, so why was she so on edge? She couldn't let him know how guilty she was feeling right now.

"What are you doing?" he whispered. "Come back to bed." But she hesitated. She didn't know why she hesitated. It wasn't like he was going to hurt her.

He sighed and crawled toward the foot of the bed. "Come on, Scootaloo, what's gotten into you? You know Zipporwhill's a light sleeper, and if she wakes up, none of us will be going to bed for a long time..." He wrapped his front legs around her neck and hugged her, his arms pressing into the book. Recognition sparked in his eyes. "Oh..."

Scootaloo reflexively curled her body to protect the book. "I'm sorry!" she said, squeezing her eyes shut. "I know now's not a good time, I was just feeling really lonely."

Boomer seemed frozen. "You're lonely?" he asked, his voice quiet. "I thought you were happy with me."

Even in the darkness, she could see the betrayal on Boomer's face. She could hear a nagging voice whispering in her ear: you ungrateful mare, look at what you've done. "No wait," she cried. "That's not what I meant! I am happy! I mean..." Scootaloo trailed off, unable to explain feelings that she didn't herself understand.

"You just miss her," said Boomer. He moved to wrap her in a hug again, and this time Scootaloo didn't react. She leaned into him warm coat, that smelled of rainclouds, and tried not to cry, her cheeks burning.

"I never even got the chance to meet her. It's not fair," said Scootaloo. "I never even learned what happened. The matrons never talked about her."

Boomer stood up, pulling Scootaloo up with him. "Come on," he said. "We can go into the living room and look at it together, if it'll make you feel better." When Scootaloo gave him a look of disbelief, he tried to roll it off with a shrug. "I'm up now, so we might as well. If we hear anyone else up we just cut the light and wait for them to go back to bed."

Still in a state of mild shock, Scootaloo didn't resist as he guided her out of the bedroom (opening the door with a silent deftness that could only have come from practice) and sat them down behind the couch, where he lit a candle to give them light. The warmth of the candle made her feel less uncertain, and she placed the book on the floor between them and opened it. On the first page was a photograph, three mares sitting around a table, smiling at the camera. They were all older than Scootaloo, but not by much. The only one of them that Scootaloo recognized was the mare on the right, whose orange-yellow spiky mane was unmistakable even then: Spirfire, Fireball's mother. One of the other two mares was her mother. She didn't know this for certain, but this was what she chose to believe.

"I wonder where their stallions are," said Boomer. He had wondered the same thing the last time they had looked at it together.

"Maybe they don't have any stallions," said Scootaloo. It wasn't a thought she would have voiced if she had been more energetic, but now it slipped out. Of course they had stallions. Every mare with a cutie mark had a stallion, unless they were waiting to be assigned one. Even if a mare's stallion died, or was arrested, she would be reassigned at the next spring festival. Princess Cadance and her Ministry of Love made sure of that.

She flipped through the pages, each of which had a different photograph. Some of them were ancient, black-and-white blotches of mares whom Scootaloo didn't have the faintest idea who they were. But only mares, and not a stallion in sight. "It almost seems like these pictures are from a world where stallions don't exist," said Scootaloo. It was a tired half-joke, but she watched Boomer take it seriously, his brow wrinkling in confusion.

"But then who would take care of the mares?" he asked. Scootaloo shrugged, thinking it had been a stupid thought anyway. No mare will ever go unsatisfied, so long as she has needs to be met. Scootaloo repeated Princess Cadance's promise silently to herself, without even needing to think about it.

She heard footsteps coming from deeper in the house, and her ears raised, her body shifting into high alert. Boomer seemed to notice it too, because he extinguished the candle, dropping both of them into obscuring darkness. Scootaloo tried her best to control her breathing. She didn't want to think about what punishment Boomie's father would make him deliver to her if they were caught. But she was curious enough to peek out over the edge of the couch. And as she watched, Rainbow Dash tiptoed into the room.

What was Rainbow Dash doing out of bed this late? Scootaloo thought. Maybe she was just thirsty and wanted to quietly get a drink of water. Scootaloo wasn't sure if that was allowed or not. Maybe Boomie's dad had given her permission? But she didn't go to the kitchen. Instead, she turned the other way and headed toward their front door. She passed through and closed it silently behind her, with slow careful motions that could only have come from practice. Scootaloo looked back at Boomer, in case he knew what was going on. But his eyes were wide with fear. Likely, he had even less of a clue as she did, but he knew all too well that whatever Rainbow Dash was doing, it was definitely not allowed, and she could be in a lot of trouble if she got caught. Scootlaoo couldn't let that happen.

She come out from behind the couch and prepared to follow when she felt a hoof on her shoulder. Boomer held her back, frowning.

"I'm going to bring her back," she explained.

"You'll get in trouble too!" he insisted. "We need to go tell Dad."

Scootaloo looked back and forth between Boomer and the door. She trusted Boomer. He'd always treated her like a mare. But Rainbow Dash had treated her like family. "I'm sorry, Boomie. I can't let her get in trouble." Dash was his sister, he had to understand, right?

Scootaloo gave chase, pulling open the door and bounding across the soft clouds after her surrogate older sister. And she had almost caught up with her when she heard the door slam behind her. She swore and looked over her shoulder, realizing that in her haste, she'd forgotten to close the door gently.

When she turned back around, Rainbow Dash was staring at her, with some combination of shock and dread. "Scootaloo?"

Scootaloo could tell her presence was causing Dash discomfort. This wasn't normal. This wasn't Rainbow Dash. "What's going on?" she asked, approaching her, but to her surprise, Dash backed away.

"Don't worry about it. Just go back to bed, alright? I'll be home by the time you wake up."

"No!" Scootaloo tried not to get emotional, but she didn't understand why Dash was treating her like this. "I really like you, and..." she scrambled to come up with a good way to describe her fear right now. "It's not safe to be out here alone.You need a stallion. You need Dad!"

"What? Scootaloo, Dad's not fit to protect anyone. I'd be protecting him. Honestly, I'd feel safer without a horndog like Dad trying to make sure I'm 'taken care of.'"

Scootaloo had never heard this kind of talk from Dash before. "I thought you liked Dad?" At least, that was always the impression she had gotten from them. Dash never seemed uncomfortable around her father, even when they were having sex. And it wasn't just the heat-driven craze she was now beginning to understand had filled her relationship with Boomie. It was something realer than that.

Rainbow sighed, weary. "I do like him," she said. "He's not bad, I guess. But that doesn't mean I want him around all the time."

Scootaloo understood that. As much as she usually liked being around Boomie, there were times she wished she could have more privacy or alone-time, like when she had to go to the bathroom, or just wasn't feeling up for the things they usually did together. "Are you just stretching your wings?" she asked. She knew that Rainbow could never stay in place for too long. Maybe she'd gotten antsy and had decided to relieve herself, but didn't want to wake Dad up?

"...eh, something like that," Rainbow answered. "Don't worry about it kiddo, just go back to bed."

The world was quiet. It was just her and Rainbow on a nearly empty expanse of cloud. A world without stallions, just like in the pictures. And yet Scootaloo didn't feel afraid.

Behind them, a light turned on in the house. Rainbow Dash gasped, and before Scootaloo could figure out what was happening, Rainbow grabbed her around the shoulders and pulled her under the clouds. The condensation blasted her face, obliterating any remaining traces of nighttime weariness, and for the first time the true impact of what they were doing hit her.

This was wrong. It was one thing to step away from her family for a moment to relieve herself or stretch her wings, but this was running and hiding. Rainbow Dash had to know this was wrong. Was she running away? Scootaloo had refused to even entertain the notion at first. She knew it happened sometimes. Something in a mare would break, and she'd abandon the safety of her family for a dangerous life on the run. But Rainbow Dash would never do that, she thought. She wouldn't abandon Boomie. She wouldn't abandon her.

They broke through the cloud, and Scootaloo screamed. She still couldn't fly, and now without the safety of the cloud cover, Rainbow Dash was the only thing holding her up. She thrashed, and Rainbow tightened her hold on her, angling them onto a cloud cushion below them. Scootaloo pushed away from Rainbow and hugged the cloud, trying to catch her breath.

Rainbow watched her from a few feet away, wincing. "Sorry, kid," she said, rubbing her coat where Scootaloo had accidentally struck her. "I gotta take you back now. Looks like someone's up though, so we'll tell them I caught you sneaking out and brought you home before you fell off a cloud or something. That's our story, okay?"

Scootaloo pushed herself back up into a sitting position. "Are you crazy, Rainbow Dash? I'm not going to lie to our family. If you won't tell them this is all your idea, then I will!"

"No! They can't know about this. Dad'll go a lot easier on you, cuz you're so young. He'll tell Boomie to punish you, and we both know Boomie won't hurt you. If Dad finds out I snuck out..."

"Then why did you do it?" Scootaloo's heart was still painfully beating in her chest.

Rainbow Dash hesitated. "I'll tell you when you're older. You're too young. You're still just a kid."

"What? How am I kid?" Scootaloo turned to her side so that Rainbow Dash could see her flank. "I've got my cutie mark. I've got a stallion. I might be carrying Boomie's child right now. What more do I need before I'm grown up?"

Rainbow fell silent. She looked into Scootaloo's eyes, and saw something there she couldn't name. Stubbornness? Determination? No, she realized. Passion. That was what it was.

"You're right," she finally said. "Kids can't have kids. You're a grown mare, and you deserve to be treated like one."

"So you'll tell me what's going on?"

Rainbow Dash nodded, and she saw Scootaloo's eyes twinkle. Her fear gave way to hope. "I'll do you one better, kid... I mean, Scootaloo. I'll show you. But you have to promise me that you won't tell a single other pony what I'm about to show you."

Scootaloo nodded. "Of course."

"I mean it. Not even Boomie. No one can know."

This made Scootaloo pause. When Dash had said to tell no one, she hadn't even thought that would include Boomie. She didn't hide anything from Boomie. Not since he had helped her hide the picture book. "Why not? He won't tell anyone... Boomie's not a bad guy, Dashie! You know that!"

Rainbow sighed. "No, he's not. But that doesn't mean he's not going to grow up into one."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Hopefully nothing. He could turn out to be one of the good ones. I hope he does, and not just for your sake. He's my little brother! And he's a victim just as much as you are. Now hop on my back, we don't want to be late."

Scootaloo turned Rainbow's words over in her head, trying to make sense of them. "Late for what? Where are we going?" she asked as she pulled herself up onto Rainbow's back and nestled into her prismatic mane.

"Ponyville," was all Rainbow Dash said, and then they were off.