The Alicorn Curse

by chillbook1

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Discord, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer, Random, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 3311

Twilight figures out why Alicorns seem to be so useless

Despite their supposed massive power, Alicorns have done a rather poor job of saving the day. Twilight discovers that there's an actual reason for that.

Featured on EqD 6/6/16!

Published 2016-03-29 18:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-29 18:30:01 UTC

The Curse of Uselessness

“Why do y’all think Twilight called us here?”

Applejack asked the question that everypony was thinking, but nopony could answer. Most members of the group were used to this sort of thing. It wasn’t exactly rare for Princess Twilight to call her friends to her home under the guise of some important business. Starlight Glimmer, however, was brand new to the whole thing. Even though she was scared out of her mind, she was excited to be a part of the princess’ trusted circle of friends tasked with solving problems. She didn’t really mind the fact that she was stuck sitting on a lawn chair as opposed to a massive crystal throne like the others (even Spike had a fancy seat). Starlight chalked it up as having to pay her dues and waited for Twilight to come and give her a chance to do so.

“Do we ever know why Twilight calls us here?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Seriously, she needs to learn to leave more detailed letters.”

“Would you even bother reading them?” Rarity butted in.

“No, but one of you would, and then I’d just be able to ask you guys!”

“I bet she’s gonna ask about the weird stains on Fluttershy’s ceiling!” said Pinkie. Fluttershy shrunk down slightly in her seat.

“I… I have a lot of animals…” she said. “They make a mess sometimes.”

“No, it’s not like any animal mess I’ve ever tasted…”

Luckily, there was no time for that statement to be addressed, because the doors blew open and the awaited princess arrived. Twilight trotted in with a very, very irate look on her face, and she hovered a book beside her with none of the enthusiasm one would come to associate with the princess whenever she had a book.

“Hello,” said Twilight curtly. “I’m sure you’re all wondering just why I called you here.”

“Well, I was kinda wondering if you call us here just so you can say ‘I’m sure you’re all wondering just why I called you here’.” Twilight glared at Rainbow Dash. “Alright, so that’s the tone you’re going for. Grumpy.”

“You would be, if you were in my predicament,” Twilight strolled through her crystal throne room, around her crystal map-table, and took a seat in her crystal throne room. She spared Starlight a slightly bitter, resentful glance before she dropped the book unceremoniously on the table.

“I’m sure you’ve all noticed my recent… inability to save the day,” sighed Twilight. “Ever since Tirek, my heroic ability has been on the decline.”

“That’s not exactly true,” said Starlight. “What about me? You were pretty heroic in beating me.”

“Not really. It was more like saving myself. If I never beat you during the time loop, only we would’ve been affected. Our timeline still existed, and, technically, so do all of the others. Nothing about that really mattered.”

“Boom! Twenty bits, Dashie!” declared Pinkie, beckoning with her hoof. Rainbow rolled her eyes but pushed a small burlap purse of coins into Pinkie’s hoof anyway.

“I can’t believe you tricked me into that bet,” groaned Rainbow.

“As I was saying,” said Twilight. She cleared her throat, bringing attention back to herself. “I’ve been failing as a hero. Our first run-in with Starlight? The Equal Village ponies saved the day, not me. The map chose me last and, when it did, Fluttershy was the one who really uncovered the truth. I couldn’t have broken up that feud without her.” Fluttershy blushed faintly.

“Oh, it was nothing,” she assured the others. “Anypony who could talk to animals could’ve done it…”

“Then the time loop fiasco, and the crisis in Sunset Shimmer’s world when their me went crazy and started ripping holes into Equestria.” Twilight scratched her head in thought. “How come you guys didn’t see that, anyway?”

“Work,” said Applejack simply.

“Orders at the boutique were just piling up,” said Rarity, a tinge of sheepishness and embarrassment in her tone.

“I was probably passed out,” said Rainbow with a shrug.

“Oh, I tried to help, but the problem was solved by the time I got into the air.” Fluttershy fidgeted in her seat, apparently afraid that her excuse would be lambasted. “I really did try…”

“I thought I was just having one of my Pinkie Episodes again,” said Pinkie cheerily. “And you guys said not to bother anypony during a Pinkie Episode.”

“And you know where I was,” said Starlight. “Sorry again.”

“Whatever. The point is, after the whole fiasco with Flurry Heart last month, I did some research,” said Twilight. “I’ve discovered something called the Alicorn Curse.”

Many “oohs” and “aahs” of varying intensities floated through the room. Twilight waited until they died down before she continued.

“What’s the Alicorn Curse?” asked Starlight.

“It’s a curse that affects Alicorns—”

“Really?!” Rainbow Dash jeered. “I never would’ve worked that one out on my own!”

“You know, Rainbow Dash, sarcasm like that can get you in some hot water in an organization like, say, the Wonderbolts,” said Twilight, shaking her head in mock-disapproval. "I don't think Spitfire would find those sort of remarks amusing." Rainbow’s eyes grew wide.

“I apologize for my outburst.”

“I forgive you. As I was saying, the Alicorn Curse is a curse that affects Alicorns. In order to counter-balance our now enhanced magic, we lose most of our luck and practicality. Basically, as soon as we ascend to alicorn status, we become useless. I was able to fight off the curse for a while, but it finally caught up to me.”

The group of friends shared a look, trying to decide whether or not Twilight was joking. After the lengthy period of silence after her statement, it soon became evident that there was no “Just kidding!” coming afterward.

“Twilight?” asked Applejack. “That don’ make a lick of sense. How does that even work?”

“Alicorns represent the traits of all three races,” explained Twilight. “From what I can tell, the Curse swaps them around. When we need to really use our magic, the Curse emphasizes our worthless earth pony traits.”

“Wow! Okay, thanks!” Pinkie leaned back in offense. “That’s, like, super racist! Let’s go, AJ, we don’t have to take this crap.”

Applejack harrumphed in agreement with Pinkie. The two earth ponies rose from their thrones, turned their noses up to the sky, and stomped out of the room, slamming the door behind them.

“I meant in terms of magic!” groaned Twilight. “Oh, forget it, they’ll come around eventually. Probably when they need some unicorn magic.” Rainbow Dash raised a hoof. “Yes, Rainbow Dash?”

“Okay, so, like, cool story and all…” said Rainbow Dash. “But just one question. We’re not alicorns, so what exactly do you want us to do about this?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Twilight asked rhetorically. “I want you to… That is, I want you to… Er…”

“You want us to listen to you complain?” suggested Rarity.

“I don’t mind,” said Fluttershy quietly.

“I do. I have naps to take,” scoffed Rainbow, apparently forgetting about Twilight's earlier comment regarding her mouth. “C’mon, Twilight, I’m tired. I haven't slept in like, twenty minutes.” Twilight slammed her face into the crystal table, igniting her horn as she did.

“Go Home Spell,” muttered Twilight. Everypony else in the room was shrouded with purple light. There was a bright flash, and Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy vanished from the castle.

Starlight Glimmer shifted about two feet over.

“Yeah, I kinda live here now,” said Starlight awkwardly. “Do you… Do you want me to leave, or…” Suddenly, Twilight’s face lit up.

“No! You can help me!” Twilight grinned widely. “We can figure out how to break it!”

“Sure thing, princess. How?”

“We read!”

82 ½ hours later

“The Alicorn Curse is literally the most unbreakable curse in the history of unbreakable curses,” read Starlight aloud, barely stifling a yawn. She couldn’t remember if she ever went this long without sleep before.

“You know, I heard you the first four times,” groaned Twilight, barely able to keep her eyes open. “This is ludicrous. I have every book ever and there’s not one with a counterspell?”

“Maybe there just isn’t one,” tried Starlight. “I mean, it would only make sense. If there was a counterspell, don’t you think Princess Celestia would’ve told you about it?”

“Oh no. You don’t know her like I do.” Twilight used her horn to grab a quill and parchment from upstairs and bring it down to the throne room. She quickly scribbled out a note, then shoved it under Starlight’s nose. “Check my spelling, I’m getting tired.”

Dear Princes Cellestia,

I just foound out about the alilicorn Curse. I now you have a counterspelll. Give it upp.

Trully you’res,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

“Did I mess up?” yawned Twilight.

“Oh, only a little,” said Starlight delicately. She grabbed a new piece of parchment with her magic and rewrote the note with correct spelling. Then, she handed the letter to Twilight. The princess rolled it up into a scroll and sent it upstairs.

“Spike! Send that to Celestia!” Twilight shouted. Twilight rolled her eyes up while waiting, then gave a faint nod at the sound of Spike’s fire incinerating the letter, then, after a few moments, the belching sound of her dragon companion regurgitating the letter. Twilight yawned as she lit up her horn once again and retrieved the letter. She tossed it to Starlight, who broke the seal and read it out loud.

Dearest Princess Twilight Sparkle,

I see you have finally uncovered the full reality of being an alicorn. Yes, we alicorns have been afflicted with this curse since Luna and I have ascended. Knowing you, you have slaved away in search of some sort of cure or counterspell. I regret to inform you that no such counterspell exists. Mind you, I did not say that I haven’t found a counterspell yet. I said that no counterspell exists. Furthermore, no counterspell can exist. Though called a Curse, it is vital to keeping balance and harmony in the universe. The so-called Alicorn Curse isn’t a shortcoming. It’s a feature.

Hoping you leave well enough alone,
Her Royal Highness, the Princess of Canterlot, the Lady of the Sun, Our Eternal Light, Her Majesty, Princess Celestia

“That’s the most pretentious signature to date,” yawned Twilight. “The ‘Eternal Light’ part is new. Here, Starlight, you keep reading. I’m gonna call Discord. Maybe he has some answers.”

Twilight tiredly made her way out of the castle, blinking sharply at the sudden bright light from the sun. She hadn’t seen any natural light in three days and she wasn’t sure if she had desire to ever see it again. Twilight trotted around her massive castle to what was essentially her backyard. Waiting for her was a giant spotlight, about the size of the princess herself. On the surface of the light was a large, ornate letter “D”.

“Why must I do this?” mumbled Twilight. She flipped on the spotlight, which somehow displayed the large letter “D” onto the sky (in broad daylight, no less). But still, Twilight’s work wasn’t quite done.

“I’m a princess, for Pete's sake…” She swallowed her dignity and began to hum.

“Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na,” hummed Twilight. “Discord!”

A shrill trumpet sound rang from nowhere, and the space in front of Twilight exploded into several comic book action bubbles, most notable “POW!”, “ZONK!”, and “PING!” These nonsensical apparitions slowly faded away, leaving the tall, serpentine deity of chaos in its wake. Except, now, he had a large, dark cloak draped over him as he posed dramatically.

Twilight wasn’t impressed.

“Get a mailing address. I’m tired of doing this every time I need your help,” complained Twilight. “Come inside, we need to—”

Twilight only then realized that Discord had vanished.

“Discord!” Twilight stomped her hoof angrily. “I don’t have time for this! Show yourself, we need to— EEP!”

Twilight felt herself be grabbed by the hindhoof, and she was hoisted up high. She squealed a little in surprise, kicking wildly in a futile attempt to free herself. Her rapid ascent halted suddenly, allowing her time to catch her breath and survey Ponyville from the top of her castle.

“Why so serious?” growled a deep, obviously fabricated voice. Twilight rolled her eyes in annoyance. Despite the gravelly, gruffness of the impersonation, Twilight could easily recognize the voice.

“Not today, Discord,” she said firmly. “I don’t have time for… Whatever this is.”

“Oh, you’re no fun,” complained Discord. In addition to his black cape, he also wore a bat-like cowl on his head, and he had some sort of black and yellow bat logo emblazoned on his chest. “I had this whole skit planned out!”

“Let me go,” said Twilight dryly.

“Very poor choice of words,” giggled Discord. He let go of Twilight, cackling as he watched her plummet to the ground.

Except, of course, that didn’t happen, because Twilight had wings and could easily hover in midair.

“Are we done here?” asked Twilight. “I have a serious problem. Will you help me or not?”

“Oh, fine,” grumbled Discord. He snapped his fingers and the two vanished, reappearing a short while later inside of the castle. Twilight landed unceremoniously in Starlight’s lawn chair while Discord took her throne (and replaced her Cutie Mark with that bat logo). Starlight, who had just gotten back from fetching more books, looked on in bemusement.

“This is that Discord you’ve been telling me about, right?” asked Starlight. “It’s nice to meet you, Discord. I’m—”

“A chaos demigoddess, is what you are!” whooped Discord brightly. “Do you understand that you’ve created about six different timelines in which it hit the fan in six different ways?! It was wonderful! I was laughing throughout the whole thing!”

“Oh… Er… Thank you?”

“Discord! What do you know about the Alicorn Curse?!” snapped Twilight. “That’s all I need from you, is any information on the Curse, and a counterspell if one exists.”

“The Alicorn Curse? Of course there’s no counterspell,” scoffed Discord. “Celestia is a better spellcaster than that.”

“Wait, Celestia cast the Curse?” demanded Twilight. “Why would she do that?”

“I believe her exact words, a thousand or so years ago, were ‘being an alicorn is too O.P. Plz Nerf’. I could be paraphrasing, though.” Discord shrugged his shoulders. “Essentially, Celestia was afraid of another alicorn growing strong enough to oppose her, so she inflicted the Curse onto the alicorn gene. It’s not possible to reverse it. It’s in your DNA.”

“So I’m just destined to be an awful hero from here on out?” asked Twilight.

“Unless you can stop being an alicorn, yeah, that’s about the size of it,” said Discord. “Can I go now? There was a girl and a District Attorney I need to save.”

“Yes, thank you, Discord,” said Twilight dismissively. She was already devising a plan. “Your help was much appreciated.”

“Of course it was! Now, who was where?” Discord asked himself, tapping his chin in thought. “Ah, well, we’ll find out soon enough. To Avenue X!” Discord snapped his fingers and vanished in a flash of light. Twilight smirked, because she had just put a plan together.

“My dearest student, Starlight Glimmer, I’m going to need your help,” said Twilight. She summoned several books to her location from the library, skimming through them with super-equine speeds.

“What do you need me to do?” asked Starlight, eager to help.

“I need you to cast a stabilizing charm and an amplification spell on me,” said Twilight. “I just need to find the right physiology metamorphosis spell, and… There!” She slammed all books shut and dropped them to the ground. “Ready when you are.”

“What exactly do you plan to—”

“No questions yet, please, I really need to see if this works.” Twilight's voice was suddenly very cheery, almost sing-song.

“But—”

“No questions!” Twilight tapped her hoof impatiently, her temper running a bit short. Starlight didn't seem to notice.

“But—”

“Butts are for sitting, my student,” said Twilight sternly. “Cast the spells!”

“You know, in all the time it took you to tell me that you couldn’t tell me, there was plenty of time for you to just tell me,” said Starlight. Twilight peered at her slightly venomously, then shook her head.

“Cast the spells.”

Starlight shrugged her shoulders, then fired up her horn. She steadied her breathing, then fired off a thin beam of turquoise light from her horn, impacting Twilight and shrouding her in a similar light. Starlight inhaled again, then fired a second beam that melded with the first. Twilight forcing magic through her own horn, shimmering purple light into Starlight’s blue. Twilight bit the inside of her cheek in concentration, releasing more magic out of her horn than she had in a long while. There was a big, violent flash of multicolored light, blinding Starlight. When her vision returned, not much had changed. The only notable difference was Twilight. She seemed shorter, a little less slender than before. Her horn seemed to have shrunk a tiny bit, as well. However, the real story was her wings.

“They’re gone!” said Starlight in awe. Twilight craned her neck to get a peek at her back, grinning gleefully when she saw them bare.

“Yes! I’m a unicorn again!” Twilight cheered. She quickly pulled some parchment from upstairs and hastily scrawled a letter onto it before sending it to Spike. Twilight smirked triumphantly. “So, now that I’m a unicorn again, and the Curse doesn’t affect me, why don’t we go do something heroic?”

“Wait, what happened to your wings?” asked Starlight. “Do you often just undergo physical transformations?”

“Well, between alicornism and the Crystal Heart thing, it happens more often than you’d think,” admitted Twilight. “As for my wings, I gave them away. Don’t worry, I’ll get them back soon. Most likely with a counterspell for the Curse.”

Starlight could only wonder where the wings went, and she hardly even had time for that. With her teacher's newfound usefulness, Starlight was eager to do battle with some sort of evil, and she began aiding Twilight prepare for their next adventure almost immediately.

Meanwhile, in Canterlot Castle

Princess Celestia trotted cheerily through the corridors of her castle, hovering a small tart to her mouth for a bite. After raiding the royal kitchen for royal sweets, Celestia was ready for a royal day of royal relaxation. She was a little saddened that she had to tell Twilight about the permanent nature of the Curse, but her former student was a resilient one. She would be able to roll with the punches.

A loud burst of magic slammed Celestia into the wall, knocking the wind out of her. As she wheezed, she felt a letter drop onto her head. She grabbed it in her hooves, broke the seal, and read through it.

Dearest, dearest Princess Celestia,

I’ve given you a little gift. Hopefully, this will be incentive enough for you to create a counterspell to your own Curse.

Awaiting your reply (with the counterspell),
Her Royal Un-highness, the Non-Princess of Friendship, the Lady of Nothing, Our Temporary Light, Her Non-majesty, Un-princess Twilight Sparkle

Celestia peered at her back. Situated just behind her large alabaster wings were a pair of smaller, purple wings. Celestia hung her head.

“Gods be damned, I’m going to have to break the curse,” grumbled Celestia. She lit up her horn to pick up what remained of her tart and bring it to her lips. Just before it reached them, her magic failed and the tart fell, custard side down.

“Awww…”

Author's Note

That was certainly a thing that I wrote.

Be sure to leave your feedback in the comments. Hope you guys enjoy the nonsense I write on a whim, such as this.