The Conversion Bureau: Cadance's Revenge
Cadance sat in her chair, slowly tapping her pen to her chin as she looked over the papers. She frowned:Paperwork was not her favorite thing to do as a princess. The fact that this was after a war made it even more boring. It had been a year since the war with the humans ended and Gandalf the White managed to bring magic into humans so they wouldn’t have to suffer the conversion process. Cadance wasn’t really fond of the whole conversion thing, mainly due to it’s subtle racism towards every other race in Equestria other than ponies, but it had to be done, for a while at least, if only because humans killed, raped, and trolled internet message boards. She looked down at the papers and looked over all the things to sign: The apology for the damage she caused as part of the Alicorn Corps, an agreement to trade gems with the humans, and the removal of conversion bureaus from the Crystal Empire. She signed the papers until she heard hoofsteps behind her. Her eyes furrowed as the steps got closer. She got up and turned around to quickly snatch a little unicorn colt in her forehooves.
“Mommy!” The little colt squealed.
Cadance nuzzled her little colt,”Valiant! How was school today!?”
Valiant yawned,”Boring!”
“Ah, I’d figured you’d take after me!” Cadance said with a chuckle as she looked to the doorway to see the love of her life, the thing that always made her happy, the thing that kept her going through thick and thin, and Shining Armor was holding on to it,”My Lucky Charms!” Cadance used her magic to switch Valiant with the cereal box. She then gave Shining a peck on the cheek,”Thank you honey!”
Shining gave Cadance a big kiss on the lips,”No, thank you for always being beautiful.”
“Ew.” Valiant said, his face began to scrunch up.
Cadance giggled as she looked down on her son,”Go to your room and study, sweetie.”
“Aw, but I hate homework.”
“I’m sure Flurry will help you out. She makes homework fun!” Shining said with a smile.
Valiant cocked his head from side to side,”I suppose you have a point...” Valiant got up and trotted out of the room.
“Now, how about we put this empty room to good use?” Cadance asked, her eyes going half lidded as she threw her Lucky Charms on the table.
Shining waggled his brows,”Oh, yeah...”
“Mom, Dad I’m-” Flurry came into the kitchen,”Oh my aunt, are you two porking!?” she screamed as she saw Shining holding Cadance over the table.
Shining immediately pulled away with an apron suddenly appearing,”No, uh, I was baking!” He turned to the stove and began to light it.
Cadance sent under the table,”And I was fixing our kitchen table! It was wobbly!” She had a screwdriver in her magic as she pretended to fix a table leg.
Flurry Heart stared at the two of them for a long, pregnant pause,”Mom, Dad, when have you ever fooled me?” She said, her eyes narrowing.
Cadance gave a sigh,”Sorry you had to see that, twice.”
Flurry muttered under her breath as she neared the hall to her room,”I keep telling you, not while I’m at class!”
Cadance sputtered,”We’re your parents, we don’t have to listen to you!” She scoffed as she got up and walked over to Shining as the stallion began to place batter into a pot,”Oh, you really are baking.”
Shining chuckled,”Yeah, I really want some pancakes now-”The couple’s ears perked up as they heard the scream of Flurry Heart. On reflex, Shining and Cadance took off towards their daughters room, only to see Flurry and Valiant in the arms of a human with a cigar in his mouth.
Cadance gasped,”General Murder! I thought you were killed in the war!”
“Well,” The General said as a helicopter flew in the broken ceiling above him,”Ya were wrong! HAHAHAHA!” He laughed maniacally as a rope came in and pulled him up,”Ah have your children, Cadance, now the HLF will have thar revenge! Hot diggedy!” He said as he left in his chopper.
“No!” Shining yelled, falling to his knees and began to cry.
Cadance on the other hoof, was growling,”They’ll pay for this.” Her eyes filled with rage as she turned around,”Shining, watch the Empire, I’m off to kick some flank.”
Shining looked at Cadance through his teary eyes,”But, it’s dangerous!”
“I know danger.” Cadance growled, the memories of the war flashing through her mind. Memories of Murder’s men plowing through her ponies, and of her plowing through his men.
“Cadance,” Celestia said, walking through the large fortress with the keys in her magic,”I cannot believe we are doing this again. You are the only member of the Alicorn Corps, but I never wanted this for you...” She frowned, noticing Cadance’s angered look.”You’re not even listening to me are you?”
“I’m going to tear his weiner off and force it down his anus...” Cadance growled.
“Of course.” Celestia frowned,”Sometimes I wonder if anypony listens to me.” She went to a large door, and placed the keys inside. A loud, sexual moaning sound came as the door glowed with a heart. Celestia’s eyes widened at the moan, before turned to her niece,”What did you...?”
Cadance chuckled,”I decided to have a little fun with the opening spell.”
Celestia frowned again,”I’m getting too old for this.” She motioned for Cadance to enter the area.
Cadance looked around the room. Surrounding here were several pistols, rocket launchers, machine guns, sub-machine guns, cannons, .50 cals, and one sniper rifle. In the middle though, was a head band with a pair of camo pants. Cadance went up to it, and put on the headband and the pants, before dipping her hooves in paint and putting black streaks across her cheeks,”I’ll take all of them.”
“Of course, you’ll put them in your magic hammerspace, I presume?” Celestia rolled her eyes.
“Yes!” Cadance said, turning around,”You said that the HLF remnant base is in ‘Nam? I’ll be there.”
“Yes, because it’s always in ‘Nam...” Celestia frowned.
Cadance flew over the forest, her now goggled eyes scanning the area below her,”Where are they?” She thought to herself, before her eyes spotted a military base,”There...” She flew down and landed a few feet from it. She pulled out her binoculars and zoomed in on it,”Thirty soldiers, child’s play.” She used her magic to rip the entrance fence and slam two guards before flying into the base, pulling out two pistols,”Where are my children!?” She shouted, before shooting several guards in the face. A couple attempted to get their weapons before Cadance flew up and grabbed them in her magic, and blasted their brains out, spewing blood all over the ground. She turned, and saw several guards near a truck. She pulled out her rifle and fired on the truck, blowing it up,”Have a blast.” She said, before grabbing one man behind her and pulled him in front her,”Where’s General Murder!?” She yelled.
“I ain’t telling you!” The man said.
Cadance then blasted his knees, spewing blood over her legs,”Now, where is the General!?”
“Ow, my legs!” The man whined.
“Motherfucker, don’t make me shoot your arms!” Cadance yelled.
“Due west, next to the old gas station, please don’t take my arms!” The ,man whimpered. Then the princess shot his brains out, spewing blood all over the wall.
“Looks like he’s another brick in the wall.” Cadance said with a frown, before taking off.
Cadance flew west, until a missile exploded in her face,”Well, well, welll. Looks like someone’s got a death wish! Looks like I’ll have to go commando on his behind with my Rambo machine gun!” She pulled out said machine gun and looked down at a man with a missile launcher. She fired, putting bullets into the soldier’s body. She looked to the place he was guarding. Seh landed in front of the base, looking at the tents around the area. A large tank rolled out in front of her.
“Tanks.” Cadance smirked, pulling out a rocket launcher and fired on the tank as it fired on her. A large explosion occurred to the cheers of the humans in the base. Their cheers turned to screams of horror as Cadance walked out of the flames, muscle exposed,”Now that’s just inconvenient.” Cadance said, her skin and fur regenerating onto her,”You’ll see that I die hard.”She whipped out a knife and stuck an enemy to a wall,”Stick around.” She said, before turning on the enemies behind her,”Where’s Murder?” She yelled, before pulling out another machine gun and proceeded to pepper the soldiers with her bullets of flaming death. She growled, looking around as a soldier began to crawl away from her. She grabbed him in her magic, only to feel something hit her head,”Oh dang.” She blacked out.
Cadance woke to a splash of cold water. She gasped as she saw Murder and another man next to him. She was tied to a stable, with her hooves in chains. She frowned,”Really?”
“Well, you are a pony.” Murder said, blowing out smoke,”Now that Ah have you, Celestia will have to give in to me, and let me rule the world!”
“Of course.” The man next to him frowned,”You’re a gleaming example of originality boss.” He rolled his eyes.
“Exactly, and now the HLF will have it’s revenge! I’ll order your torture, while my assistant and I will go off to smoke weed and write the ransom note!” He said, leaving with his assistant.
Two men came in with riding crops, and big grins on their faces.
Cadance growled,”So, you’re going to do horrible things like rape me, aren’t you?”
One of them stepped back in disgust,”Ew, no.”
This caused Cadance to gasp, and then her eyes began to water,”So, you think I’m too ugly to rape?”
The man blinked,”Wait, I didn’t say-”
“No, but you thought it!” Cadance began to cry,”But you’re right, I am ugly! Everypony thinks that! It’s because I’m pink, isn’t it!?” Cadance shook her head,”It’s not my fault Hasbro wanted a new toy! I don’t mean to be a marketing gimmick! But no,” She sniffled,”Even Shining has thoughts of me being ugly, and Twilight, and Auntie Celestia!” She wailed, tears falling all over the stable.
The other soldier glared at his partner,”Jerk, you shouldn’t call her ugly.”
“But I’m not into beastiality!” The man said,”Are you!?”
The other soldier couldn’t say anything else, for he had Cadance’s hoof on his neck. The princess twisted it around, breaking it.
The man stepped back as the freed alicorn stepped slowly towards him.
“H-How did you get free!?” The man asked.
Cadance held up the chains in her magic and grinned,”You should’ve cut off my horn.” She slammed the chains into his junk,”I’m so glad I distracted you!” She said with a smile, before wrapping the chains around the soldier’s neck and squeezing so hard that his head exploded.
Cadance kicked the doors to her torture room down, and looked outside at the army that stared at her,”Want reinforcements?” She asked, before pulling out two rocket launchers and two machine guns and proceeded to blast everywhere at once. She watched as several soldiers were either bloodied or blown to smithereens. She growled as she saw a building in front of her, with the words,”Human Libation Front HQ” in front of it,”That looks important!” She grabbed a tank and slammed it into the front doors.
The soldiers in the lobby began to drink their beer,”So, if a human were to bang a pony, would it be beastialty?”
“I don’t know, ponies aren’t exactly like our horses, they can consent and they are sapient.” His buddy said,”It would be weird to have sex, you know.”
“Is this really what you guys talk about on break?” Cadance asked, when she put up a shield against the onslaught of bullets,”You all are idiots.” She pulled out a revolver and shot the group up. She looked up and blasted the floor with her magic, and flew up until she saw General Murder sitting near a console, and her children tied to a missile. She growled as she landed,”Let my kids go!”
“Mom!” The two shouted.
General Murder laughed,”Fool, like I’ll do that!” He pressed a button, causing the missile to launch.
Cadance watched in horror as Valiant and Flurry rose into the air,”No...”
Murder laughed. He looked at her, and threw away his gun,”I don’t need a gun,” He threw away his knife,”I don’t need a knife!” He ran at her,”I’ll kill you myself!”
Cadance then kicked him in the ribs so hard he went spiraling into a pipe,”Our relationship’s gone down the pipes.” SHe growled, before flying up and looking around, tears in her eyes,”No...”
“”Looking for these?” A certain blue alicorn appeared behind her, holding Valiant and Flurry in her hooves, while holding a missile in her magic.
Cadance turned to Luna with a smile,”My babies!” She flew to her and picked her children up,”Oh, I’m so glad you’re safe!”
Luna smiled, throwing the missile into space,”Next time, let me join in.” She said, before flying away.
Cadance grinned as she looked at them,”Come on, let’s go home! Your father and I are so going to celebrate...” She waggled her eyebrows.
“Ew, Mom!” Flurry yelled.
“Sister, what does Mommy mean?” Valiant asked.
“I’ll tell you when you’re older, kid...” Flurry facehoofed. This made Cadance laugh as she flew her children away into the sunset.
Author's Note
And thus did I create my first Conversion Bureau Fic
Plus, this is something I always had in mind
Really, this was in my head for a while
In retrospect, this should've been expected
Let the word's on the page fill your soul
Find the message within the words
Or not, and simply read without thinking
Oh, who am I kidding
Let us over think our stories
Start looking into every sentence you can.
