Derpy and the Brain
by Neoraichu
This story is reprinted from Fanfiction.net from the Story "Derpy and the Brain" with permission from the author... because I am the author. Neither My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic nor Pinkie and the Brain are intellectual properties that I have any degree of ownership over, nor any character contained therein.
...
Pinky and Brain looked over his latest Rube Goldberg world domination invention.
"Pinky," said Brain, "Are you pondering what I am pondering?"
"I think so, Brain, but who knows what the atomic weight of oat bran really is?"
"If I wasn't about to take over the world, I'd have to hurt you, Pinky."
"NARF!"
"But when I don that helmet and throw that switch," said Brain as he pointed at 'that helmet' (a large thimble wired to a larger machine) and 'that switch', "The quantum harmonics it will create will synchronize every brain to my brain! I shall rule the word by default!"
"NAAARF!"
"Exactly," said Brain as he paused to ponder, "But perhaps a small scale test is in order. I deduce that there should be sufficient test subjects within 200 yards of the lab, so I shall limit the test run to that scale."
He went to the machine and started making delicate adjustments to the hula hoop wrapped in gold wire and turned down the thermostat to 88 degrees. He was totally focused on those adjustments.
"Excuse me Brain," said Pinky, "but if your quantum harmonics alter the sub-quantum strata, then couldn't we open a tear in the fabric of time and space into another dimension?"
"What did you say, Pinky?"
"Narf."
"I thought so," he said even though he wasn't really paying attention to what Pinky had said. He placed the helmet upon his head, and said, "Pinkie. Throw the switch."
Pinky threw the switch. For a moment, the machine spun, buzzed, sparked and shook, but nothing seemed to happen.
"Pinky!" he said, "Turn the machine off. We need to figure out..."
But Brain never finished his sentence. He was sucked into a quantum vortex and vanished without a trace just before the entire machine collapsed into a pile of useless junk.
...
Derpy Hooves was walking about the town having a carefree day when she heard a pop, and then felt something smack her right on top of her head. For some reason, she suddenly blurt out, "DERP!"
She looked around to see an albino mouse laying on the ground next to her. He sat up and rubbed his head, which was most likely what had hit Derpy in the head.
"Excuse me," she asked, "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine..." he began, "WAIT! You can talk!?"
"Well like d'uh."
"That made about as much sense as one of Pinky's answers," said the lab mouse as he scratched his head.
"You know Pinkie?!" she asked in amazement.
"Why shouldn't I?"
"Well," she mused, "I suppose everypony knows Pinkie around here."
"Everyone?!"
"Oh yes. Quite the local celebrity."
"Take me to Pinky at once!" demanded Brain.
"Couldn't you at least say please?" asked Derpy nicely.
"Very well. Please take me to see Pinky... before I have to hurt you."
"Close enough," she replied as she lowered her head almost to the ground.
Brain took the hint, and used her nose to climb atop her head. She walked across several blocks, letting Brain take in the scenery. Much to his amazement, ponies were everywhere, and they all talked. They could even manipulate things with their hooves as if they were hands. His mind was almost short circuited by the revelations he saw.
"So," he said, "My name is Brain. What's yours?"
"Derpy Hooves," she replied.
"And how long have you had that lazy eye?"
"As long as I can remember."
"I'm beginning to wonder just how long that might be."
"Excuse me?" she asked, "What was that?"
"Oh, it was nothing but speculation about how long it will take to arrive," he replied quickly.
"We're almost there now."
"Derpy," he asked, "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain, but where are we going to get 55 gallons of dragon piss and a zinc bathtub at this time of the day?"
"If you weren't a complete stranger, I'd have to hurt you Derpy."
Soon, they approached some sort of bakery called 'The Sugarcube Corner'. She opened the door, and stepped in as she called, "Pinkie! There's someone here to see you!"
A pink pony with a darker, curly pink mane and tail emerged from the back to see Derpy standing there with some kind of white mouse on her head.
"Hello!" said Pinkie.
"Excuse me," said Brain, "but can you tell me where I can find Pinky?"
"I am Pinkie, silly!"
"There has apparently been some sort of confusion here. The Pinky I was looking for is a mouse just like me."
"Sorry, never heard of her."
"Him," he replied quickly.
"Him who?"
"Pinky. The mouse. He's male just like me."
"Actually, you're the first talking mouse I've seen anywhere," observed Pinkie, "He does talk like you, right?"
"He talks alright, but nothing like me."
"You want a muffin?" she asked excitedly.
"I have no currency."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
Brain sighed as he said, "I have no coinage."
"That's good. It's not easy to cure that."
Brain sighed even louder. "I mean I have nothing to pay you with."
"Then I'll give it to you for free. Problem solved."
"Are all you ponies as generous as this?" he asked out of curiosity.
"No," she replied, "but I think most ponies have a good nature at heart."
"Derpy," he asked, "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
"I think so, Brain," she replied, "But how large of a bowl is needed to hold 100 zap apples after they've been made into zap apple sauce?"
"Congratulations," he announced, "You're my new assistant while I'm in this world."
"DERP!"
"When did you start doing that?" asked Pinkie.
"Since this mouse hit me in the head," replied Derpy.
"So what sort of muffin do you want?" asked Pinkie of the Brain.
"Oat bran," he said before face palming himself, and continued, "What ever brought that on?"
"Sure," she replied, "We have those. I'll be right back with two."
Derpy and the Brain nodded.
"So Derpy," he ordered, "Tell me all about this place called..."
"Ponyville?"
"Yes. Ponyville."
They moved to a table and she began discussing Ponyville while they waited for their muffins. When Pinkie returned, Brain realized that the bran muffin was in fact twice his size and easily four times his body weight. But he started eating anyways. He was hungry from spending all day working on his latest invention, after all. By the time she was done, she had explained all she knew about Ponyville, its most prominent ponies, and the local area.
"So you say this Twilight Sparkle is an expert on magic?" he asked as he finished his muffin. His stomach appeared horribly bloated as if a thin after dinner mint just might make it explode.
"Well, she's the best unicorn magician in all of Ponyville."
"And outside of Ponyville?"
"Oh, the Royal Princesses are much better," she replied, "but they do have Equestria to run."
"Your ruled by Princesses?" asked Brain, "Isn't there a Queen?"
"Oh, no one listens to her."
"They don't?"
"Well sure," she answered, "No one wants to listen to a meanie like the Changeling Queen."
"Changeling Queen?"
"Well d'uh. She rules over all Changelings."
"What's a changeling?"
"I guess you are new around here."
"Yes," he replied, "now answer the question before I have to hurt you."
"Which question?"
"You made me forget," he scowled as he rubbed his forehead, "perhaps it would be better if you just take me to see this Twilight Sparkle right now."
"Sure."
She lowered her head so he could scramble to the top of it once more.
"Goodbye Pinkie!" she called as she moved over towards the door.
"Bye!" said Pinkie, "Come again!"
...
Derpy and Brain stood before the library/tree of Twilight Sparkle. Somehow, Brain's stomach had shrunk down to normal on the way over. Don't ask the author how or why.
"Are you sure this is where she lives?" he asked, "I'm half expecting that there should be cookies being baked in there instead of magic."
"Cookies?" she asked.
"Never mind," he replied, "It's not important."
"Okay," she answered as she went up to the door and knocked.
"Spike!" called a female voice from within, "Answer the door!"
There was a moment of quiet before the door opened, and a small purple dragon with green spines appeared before them.
"It's just Derpy Hooves!" he called back, "And she has an albino mouse on her head!"
"Albino mouse? I'll be there in just a minute."
There was a flushing sound heard in the background, and then a violet unicorn appeared. She looked at the mouse, and asked, "It's an albino mouse. What do you need to know about that?"
"I assure you, madam," said Brain, "I am no ordinary mouse."
"Did Trixie put you up to this?" she asked suspiciously.
"No," answered Derpy.
"I assure you that I have no idea who this Trixie might be, but I am here to speak with you about a matter of grave importance."
"Well come in and tell me all about it."
Derpy walked in with the Brain still on her head.
"I've heard that someone is trying to use magic to take over all of... Equestria," said the mouse.
"That would be nuts," replied Twilight, "Even if I had the Alicorn Amulet, I couldn't take over all of Equestria with a spell. The scale and power of such a spell is beyond the capacity of anyone alive right now. I'm not sure that even Princess Celestia with the Alicorn Amulet could pull that spell off."
"Perhaps I didn't understand the context then," he said back, "They were also talking about Ponyville. Maybe they're going to use their magic to take over Ponyville."
"Well," said Twilight, "That certainly sounds like a more credible threat. But they would still need to use the Alicorn Amulet to boost their spell power enough to cover such an area as all of Ponyville."
"Could you do that?"
"I suppose with the Amulet," she replied hypothetically, "it wouldn't be too hard for a magician such as me."
"And you know where this amulet is?"
"Of course," she replied, "I'm still holding on to it since Trixie was using it for... bad effects."
"I see," he mused, "There was a black unicorn there with an amulet. If you could show me the Alicorn Amulet, I could tell you positively if that was the amulet or not."
"I suppose it wouldn't hurt to show you," she mused as she went to fetch it. She returned after a while with a container in her mouth. Setting down the container, she opened it to show the Alicorn Amulet within it. Brain jumped down onto the table that Twilight had set the amulet down on.
"It... isn't exactly the same... but they were similar... So what does this thing do?"
"Oh, it vastly increases a unicorn's magical powers," she replied, "but the increase in power corrupts those who wear it and eventually makes them evil."
"Hmm," he mused, "That black unicorn was certainly spouting evil sounding talk. The other ponies seemed to treat the unicorn as their leader."
"It must be something similar then," she figured, "I guess making one of those was just not enough of an object lesson to those obsessed with their own power."
"Would it work for a mouse?"
"Since I've never seen a mouse do magic," she replied, "I doubt it would be useful even if it was small enough for one to wear it."
"A valid point, I suppose."
"Why do you ask?"
"Oh..." he said awkwardly, "I come from a distant realm of talking mice. A lot of them aren't as nearly as nice as I am. A number of them wouldn't hesitate a second to try and use such power to rule."
"How did you get here?"
"Accident."
"Could this accident be replicated?" she asked curiously.
"I wouldn't be surprised if it could."
"Do you think it's likely?"
"It's not a matter of likely," he said evenly, "but a matter of when."
"Why don't I have Spike find the book that talks about the Alicorn Amulet," she said as she turned to call him. But Brain took that second to grab the Amulet, run up Twilight's back, and slap it around her neck by surprise. She gasped as her eyes glowed for few seconds.
"Tell me how you feel?" asked Brain as he whispered into her ear.
"I... feel... incredible..." she answered in a somewhat monotone voice.
"Incredible enough to try and rule Equestria?"
"Yes..."
"You deserve to rule Equestria, don't you?"
"I do..."
"I'll help you try to take over the world, Twilight Sparkle," offered Brain, "because I believe you can do it."
"DERP!" said Derpy.
"Well, me and Derpy," he added belatedly, "Now let's look through you spell books and find that spell that will take over Ponyville, shall we?"
"Yes..."
"But first, you need to conceal that amulet."
"Why?"
"Because if they knew you were wearing it, then they would try and stop you," suggested Brain, "All this glorious power would be taken away from you. Imagine all the good you can use this power for. Think about all the wrongs you could right as ruler of Ponyville, and then ALL of Equestria."
"They wouldn't dare challenge me!"
"That's the spirit."
She cast a spell, making her horn glow and the Amulet vanish from sight.
Spike returned with a platter with a teapot, some cups, some teaspoons, and fancy containers of both cream and lumps of sugar. He noticed the empty container that the Alicorn Amulet was held in, and asked "Uh, where did the Amulet go?"
"Oh," said Brain, "I guess she put it back without putting it in the container first. I'm sure she'll put them both back together later."
"Yes," said Twilight.
"Okay," replied Spike.
"Now for that book," said Brain.
"Oh yes," said the violet unicorn, "Please get the book listing the Alicorn Amulet, would you?"
"Sure thing Twilight," he replied, "but what about the tea?"
"We can surely serve ourselves," answered Brain.
Spike went off to look for the reference book with the Alicorn Amulet.
"DERP!" said Derpy, "Shouldn't we have had Spike retrieve the spell book?"
"That would have been too obvious," she replied, "and I already know where the Master Spellbook is kept. I refer to it all the time."
"Derpy," said Brain, "Pour the tea while Twilight and I consult the book."
She nodded as Brain climbed up onto the violet unicorn's head and held onto her horn. Twilight went into another room where the magical spell books and ritual tomes were kept.
"This isn't right," muttered Derpy quietly as she poured the tea.
Spike returned with a book and asked, "So where's Twilight and the mouse?"
"She went to find a spell to take over Ponyville."
"Oh, is that... what?!"
"Yeah, she's gonna use that Amulet thingy to take over Ponyville for Mister Brain."
"Stall them, Derpy," he replied, "Our only chance is to call in the Princesses right now. I'll send a scroll to Celestia immediately."
"Okay."
"And whatever you do, don't mention it to them..." added Spike, "Just tell them I'm filling a 55 gallon drum with dragon pee for mixing potions in a zinc bathtub."
"Sure Spike."
He rushed off to write the scroll. A little later, Brain and Twilight returned with a really large spell book bound in thick leather and decorated with gold.
Brain saw the book they sent Spike for, but not Spike, and asked, "Where's Spike?"
"He had to pee in a drum. Something magic, I think. And something about a zinc tub."
"Funny, I thought that was a joke."
"Oh no," she replied.
"Whatever. If it won't help take over Equestria, I'm not really interested in it." He turned to Twilight as she magically flipped through the spell book, and asked, "Find that control spell yet?"
"No," she replied, "It's a really large book with thousands of spells."
"Hey," said Derpy, "If you found a spell to make Brain into a unicorn, he could be accepted as the Prince of Equestria and rule by your side, Twilight."
"Seriously?" he asked.
"Oh yes," Twilight answered, "I once turned some of Fluttershy's mice into horses, but it was temporary. A few alterations to the spell could make it permanent. On the other hand, they didn't get any smarter. They panicked and ran as soon as they were spooked."
"But that's not an issue with Brain!" announced the Brain.
"Very well," said Twilight, "I'll look up that spell first. It shouldn't take that long." She flipped through the book a moment, and said, "Here it is. You really shouldn't be on my head when I cast this spell, you know."
Brain hopped off her head to the middle of the room.
"Unicornia trasformus permanentia!" she shouted as her horn glowed very brightly, released a flash of light, and when they all could see again, there was a new albino unicorn standing in the middle of the room down to the red nose. You could even say it glowed.
Just then, another flash appeared in the room, and suddenly Princess Celestia was standing next to the Brain unicorn. Her eyes and horn both glowed brightly as she looked at Twilight quickly, and said "Temporaria paralysis!" Twilight froze in place.
"Who are you and what have you done?!" asked Brain unicorn.
"I'm stopping my number one student from making a horrible mistake she'll regret for the rest of her life," replied the Princess. She stepped close to Twilight's ear and said softly, "I know you can still hear me, and you know that spell won't hold you very long. But you can stop all of this now. Take off that Amulet and go back to who you really are. Come back to me, Twilight. You never needed to boost your magic to help others. It was only Friendship that you needed to make all the difference." She stepped even closer and whispered, "I love you."
When she moved again, Twilight's horn glowed and the Alicorn Amulet reappeared as she pulled it off her own neck.
"Where's the mouse?" she asked.
"Oh, that's the albino unicorn sneaking towards the open door," said Derpy.
"You're from another dimension, aren't you?!" said the Princess, "Well you're going home right now!"
"No wait..." said the Brain unicorn before he vanished in a flash of light.
"How did you know?" asked Twilight.
"I got a letter from Spike saying you had the Alicorn Amulet on, so I guess you would try to use your magic to hide it. So before I came here, I used my most powerful True Seeing spell on myself. I had to make sure you were wearing it before I paralyzed you. The spell also told me that the mouse unicorn was really from another dimension."
Twilight rushed to the Princess' side, and she gave her a neck to neck pony hug.
"Princess," said Twilight quietly, "I love you too."
"Derpy," said the Princess, "It seems I need to thank you too. Spike said you told him about the Alicorn Amulet and the mouse's plan to take over Equestria. I owe you a personal debt of thanks."
"DERP!"
"What?"
"A mouse hit her in the head," said Twilight.
"Oh, well if it doesn't clear up in a couple of days, I'll fix it myself," said the Princess.
...
Pinky was running on his wheel when a flash of light appeared in the middle of the lab. He stared in awe at the albino unicorn standing there.
"I KNEW THEY'RE REAL!" he shouted, "IF ONLY BRAIN WERE HERE!"
"I am here Pinky," he replied.
"IS THAT YOU, BRAIN?!"
"Indeed."
"So what are we going to do tomorrow, Brain?"
"The same thing we do every night, Pinkie," mused the Brain unicorn, "Try to take over the world! And try not to get stuck in a petting zoo... I wonder if a talking unicorn can rule the world?"
"Oh sure brain! It's not any worse than a talking mouse ruling the world!"
"Remember Pinky, I can really hurt you now."
"NARF!"
