A Knife Fight... With Real Knives
“So… are you sure that you want to do this?”
“Yup… unless you’re thinking of backing out. No shame in calling it quits, AJ.”
“I never said that I was stepping down, Rainbow. Just wanted to make sure you were ready.”
“Ready? I’m always ready. Ready is my second middle name. Out of three. My middle-middle name.”
“If you say so… I can tell that you put some thought into this. Pretty nice place you found.’
“I know, right? The trees will keep us hidden so nopony can see us…”
“…unless they’re a pegasus…”
“…unless they’re a pegasus.”
“…Or an alicorn…”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“…or they have a flying machine...”
“Okay, I get it. Sweet Celestia. The point is that we’re mostly hidden but we’re still near the hospital if anything goes wrong.”
“Uh… you do realize we’re gonna be fighting with knives, right? One of us will probably need it if everything goes right.”
“Oh… heh, guess you got a point there.”
“So… I brought the knives like you asked for. Should I take them out now?”
“…maybe in a bit. We should probably stretch out or something first. Wouldn’t want to hurt ourselves”
“Knife. Fight.”
“I said ‘ourselves’, not ‘each other’. Give me some credit, AJ.”
“Are you sure that we should be stretching out, though? I’ve heard that having tense muscles can help make cuts less dangerous.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s a load of horseapples. Seriously, who would want to be cut enough times to test something like that?”
“You can stretch if you want, Rainbow. I’ll sit here and get myself ready.”
“…without stretching?”
“Emotionally ready. While I agreed to this hair-brained challenge, I really don’t want to hurt you.”
“Yeah… I’d feel really bad if I really hurt you by accident…”
“Bad enough to give up and forget this nonsense?”
“Yeah, I… wait a moment. I see what you’re trying to do. Nice try, Applejack!”
“Heh. Can’t blame a mare for trying, right?”
“Whatever. You sit there and psyche yourself up while I get my body ready for action.”
…
…
“So… uh… do you really think Daring Do will be impressed by this?”
“Why *pant* not? I mean, she *whoo* she’s done stuff like this dozens of times. I’m sure *pant* she’d love to *pant* work with a pony *pant* who could handle herself in a fight”
“Unless you lose, you mean.”
“No, I thought about *crack* that as well. If I’m not ready *ker-crack* to fight ponies with knives, that just means I’m not *crack* ready. If I have to lose, though, I’d rather lose to a close friend who doesn’t want to destroy me.”
“You about ready to go?”
“Yeah, I think. Take out the knives.”
“All right. Just promise to be careful with these. I didn’t tell Granny Smith I’d be taking them and I’ll be in trouble if they’re damaged.”
“…I don’t think that’ll be a problem, Applejack.”
“Why? Did you finally lose your nerve?”
“It’s not that. It’s just that you brought butter knives to a knife fight?”
“Well… yeah. What were you really expecting? Cleavers?”
“Ugh, no. Not cleavers. Too axe-like. They don’t cut so much as hack. One wrong hack and we’re messed up for life. No more flying. No more applebucking. No more job”
“You know that knives can do that as well, right?”
“Yeah… but cleavers… it just feels worse.”
“Okay, then. What were you expecting.”
“I don’t know. Something sharp? Something used for actual cutting, maybe?”
“Hey, I’ve used knives this sharp to cut stuff before!”
“And how easy was it?”
“Pretty tricky, actually… though that might be why these are so perfect. You gotta use a lot of force if you want to hurt somepony with these. You gotta be absolutely sure you want to hurt them.”
“Huh… sounds pretty awesome when you say it like that. Even so, your freaky earth pony strength would probably give you an unfair advantage.”
“As if your wings wouldn’t?”
“It doesn’t’ matter how much I dodge if I can’t win using those knives. I mean, I might be able to win if I get enough speed but this clearing’s not big enough.”
“I’m hearing lots of complaints and no new ideas here, Dash.”
“Breadknife!”
“What?”
“We could use breadknives! You know, those long and thin ones. Those are pretty sharp.”
“Yeah… I think we have one of those back home.”
“Okay, this is the plan. You run and get yours while I fly to Banyard Bargains and buy one for myself. We’ll meet up here in 10 minutes.”
“Seeya then.”
Ten Minutes Later
“So…”
“Yeah?”
“I’m gonna take a wild guess and say that’s the largest one they had for sale.”
“Pretty sweet, right? Name brand, too. I think they called it Machete.”
“Well, I admit that I’m feeling pretty silly right now.”
“Yeah. No offense but yours looks pretty old.”
“Don’t let the rust fool you. This thing’s been in the Apple family for generations. It’s easily twice as sturdy as what you bought.”
“Ready to put that claim to the test?”
“I thought you would never ask.”
…
…
“So? Are you ready to start or what?”
“Uh… sorry for asking but… how exactly is this supposed to work?”
“Are you serious? I gave you books about it last week?”
“What you gave me was the full Daring Do series. You didn’t bother listing what books or chapters I should be reading, either.”
“Well duh. You should be reading all of it.”
…
“Okay, yeah. Now I can see how that idea might have backfired.”
“Care to teach me what we’re doing before I hurt myself?”
“Sure. Actually, I brought a couple of books with me that I could check in case we get stuck. Let me just take a look and… yeah, there are basically two types of knife fights. For the first type, you just hold the knife in one of your hooves”
“No thanks. I’m used to walking with all four. Besides, you’ll have an edge the moment you start using your wings. What’s the other way?”
“Fighting the other way… we hold the knives in our mouths…”
“…Really?”
“That’s… what the book says.”
“Uh… I guess I’ll do it if you do it.”
“Sure thing… I just have to… actually, before we do this, do you think we should make a few ground rules? You know, for safety?”
“A safe knife fight?”
“Kind of? I mean, I wouldn’t want to cut your stomach by accident or anything, right?”
“Oh, that sort of thing? Sure thing, sugarcube.”
“Okay. To start, no cutting the neck or lower barrel. Too much stuff we could injure by accident.”
“No cutting behind a leg, neither. Might ruin your ability to walk.”
“Wings are off limit as well. Impressing Daring Do is so not worth sacrificing my future spot on the Wonderbolts.”
“Fair enough… though I will get mad if you start using your wings as a shield. Also, no wounds that could stop one of us from having foals one day.”
“Huh… really?”
“Yeah. I’m not settling down today or tomorrow but I do want a family someday.”
“Sounds good… Oh yeah, and the face is off-limits!”
“I’m a bit surprised, Rainbow. Thought you’d be the sort who’d like a scar or too.”
“Yeah, well, I really like my face just the way it is. Besides, what if you cut my eye?”
“There’s more to your face than your eyes, you know.”
“MY EYES ARE A BIG PART OF MY FACE, OKAY?”
“Okay, okay. No faces. Can we start now?”
“Yeah, we just have to face each other, grab our knives, and… huh, wubbewy.”
“Hmmm… Dastes like Shweat”
“Pwepare do dashte shteel, wongdowa.”
“Whad aw you doing. Dash?”
“Widdy Bander. Evewy knife fighd needs widdy bander.”
“…Id’s a good fing your knife is sho big. Yer sure nod going do cud me wif your wid.”
“Hey! Dat’s… actually pweddy good. Nishe one”
“Fanks… Uh… I fink we haf a pwoblem, Dash.”
‘Whad now?”
“I can only weally weach your fashe and neck.”
“Oh… yeah. Led’s dwy walking awound each offer in shircles.”
“You mean like dish?”
“Yeah, like dat”
“Now I’m jushd shdawing at your flank and dail. Awe you alwighd wif me shdabbing dose?”
“*Pffft* WHAT? Stabbing? Who said anything about stabbing?”
“*Pa-too* Are you serious? What the hay do you think a knife fight is?”
“No, I know about all of that stuff. I just sort of assumed that stabbing was off the table. If you go and stab somepony, you can almost guarantee that they’ll need a hospital.”
“So… what do you want me to do?”
“We could… you know… just kind of scratch each other with the side of the blade. You know, just… swiping at each other.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s called ‘raking’”
“What? No, that’s dumb. Rakes are used to gather leaves. I’m talking about swiping.”
“Fine. I have no problem with using ‘swipes’… as long as we switch weapons.”
“What?! I just bought this.”
“I’m sorry, sugarcube, but it’s just too big. Back when I thought we were stabbing, that knife gave you longer range. If I could get real close, though, it would be hard for you to get a good angle. Now, you have the best range and the largest edge for ‘swiping’. That just ain’t fair.”
“How would it be fair if you had it?”
“Well, you can fly. That’s already a huge advantage. If we trade knives, I’ll have more reach and you’ll have more mobility. Does that sound fair?”
“…Okay. Just don’t damage it, okay.”
“I’ll try my best… Ugh, I can dashte yew shpit.”
“Yeah, dish ishn’d exactwy a picnic for me, eisher.”
“Jushd shtard fwying sho we can ged shish over wish.”
“Okay. Awe you ready fow shish?”
“Uh… wamore pwoblem, Dash.”
“Whad now?”
“…All I can weach ish yer shtomach…”
…
…
“*pfft* Whatever… I give up.”
“*pa-too* What? You’re giving up? Just like that?”
“Just like that. This was a really dumb idea. I mean, I have no clue what I’m doing.”
“How is that different from normal?”
“Ouch, Applejack. Way to make me feel better.”
“You know I don’t mean it like that, Sugarcube. It’s just kind of unlike you to stop the moment something seems dangerous. I mean, weren’t you the one who charged at a dragon head-on?”
“I guess… but… I guess that it’s different when the danger stands for something. If a dragon is threatening Ponyville or a changeling army invades, I have no problem running into danger. It makes me feel like somepony others could look up to.”
“But this whole fight…”
“Yeah… Now that there’s nothing important at stake, I keep thinking to myself, ‘what if my wings get damaged’ or ‘what would the others think about this’ or ‘what if Scootaloo saw this’. Now that there’s nothing to save, I just keep thinking and… I can’t fight you like this.”
“If it makes you feel any better, I had the same sorts of doubts from the moment you challenged me.”
“Then… why? Why did you accept in the first place?”
“I… I know you, Dash. If I didn’t accept, I thought you might run off and try with somepony else. I thought that if I could make things scary and tiresome, you’d give up and try something else. I guess that I didn’t need to try so hard, however.”
“…You’re a good friend, Applejack. While I wish that you trusted me enough to explain that from the start… wow. You were willing to put your own hide on the line just to keep me out of trouble. Not many friends can say that.”
“A shame that nothing came from this afternoon, though. If you really want, you could tell Daring that I was the one to give up. I wouldn’t say nothing against it.”
“Aaaaactually… now that everything’s out in the open, I think that we might be able to have that little fight after all. I think that I have a plan.”
“Uh… Sugarcube?”
“Trust me”
Two hours later
Much of the clearing was covered in crimson splatters. Two exhausted mares stood near the very center, a fire in their eyes and a knife in their mouths. The mane, flank, and withers of each mare were positively coated with red, though neither mare wore her own blood.
“You… ready… to give up?”
“Nod… on youw life… Dash.”
“One more shdrike! One more shdrike will sheddle shish.”
“Weady whenevew you awe. Bwing id on.”
Rainbow Dash and Applejack took a few steps back before charging at each other, knives positioned to strike one another. In the final moment before impact, Rainbow Dash extended her “injured” wings and took to the air. Deftly dodging Applejack’s blade, Rainbow Dash smeared the last of the ketchup from her butter knife onto Applejack’s coat.
“Ugh. You got me, pardner. Bleh!”
“And once again, Rainbow Dash has restored peace and harmony to the land of Equestria.”
“Lay it on thicker, why don’t ya?”
“You be quiet. Dead ponies don’t speak.”
“Yeah, yeah… but what happens now?”
“Uh… let me check the books real fast.”
“All right. Not like a dead pony can do much other than wait.”
“All right, here we are. After winning… If I was a hero, I’d go on to do whatever I needed to do before you challenged me to the fight.”
“You were the one to challenge me! Does that make you the villain?”
“Maybe… If I’m a villain though, I’m expected to… drink the blood of my fallen victim.”
“So… what? You plan on licking this stuff off of me?”
“Hmmm… Nah. I could go for some tomato juice, though.”
“Actually, that sounds pretty nice. I’ll see if I can find some if you grab a cloud to wash this stuff off.”
“Sounds like a plan. I’ll meet you at Sweet Apple Acres in five.”
As Rainbow Dash flew off that evening, bruised but not bloody, she was on top of the world. While she’d be back with a cloud and a bag to clean up the mess the following day, that was a problem for later. For now, she was a heroine... unless she was a horrible villain. Either way, she had faced knifey danger and had emerged victorious.
She had won a knife-fight… with real knives.
Author's Note
Welp... As an author who know absolutely nothing about writing dialogue, writing a story that is almost entirely dialogue makes perfect sense. I can see absolutely no way this plan can backfire.
PS. My apologies to anyone who came here expecting demonstrations of multiple brands of real-world knives. The title was just a bit of a (bad) joke as I find the idea of ponies having a genuine knife fight with sharp, functional knives to be bizarre.
