It was a beautiful day in Canterlot, and Twilight Sparkle had actually managed to rope one of her friends into going with her to LineCon.
This was a different LineCon - after hearing tales of her childhood adventures with Shining Armor, none of her friends would even come close to considering the idea. Except for Fluttershy, as Fluttershy was always game for standing relatively still and not doing very much for long periods of time.
Twilight was elated. “Can you believe it, Pinkie? We’re finally here!”
Pinkie Pie replied with an enthusiastic smile. “I know! I love quick and simple humor!”
As the dynamic duo approached the entrance to the world-renowned LineCon, the laughter and excitement coming from within steadily grew louder. When they reached the door, the first thing they heard was a one-liner broadcasted across a loudspeaker.
“BIKINIS COVER LEAVE APPROXIMATELY 90% OF A MARE’S BODY EXPOSED… STALLIONS ARE SO KIND TO ONLY LOOK AT THE PARTS THAT REMAIN COVERED.”
Pinkie and Twilight looked at each other, eyes wide - then Twilight snorted, Pinkie snickered, and before long both of them were collapsed on the floor, in stitches.
0.o.0
The League Interested iN Exhilarating Comedic One liNers, or LineCon, was an annual convention that celebrates all things humorous, short, simple, and easy-to-understand. The curator's’ job was to make sure every one-liner that entered or exited the Con was sufficiently hilarious.
Twilight and Pinkie entered a dining hall that had been repurposed as a meeting for the “Whose Line Is it, Anyway?” panel. The panelists were arguing about the nature of one-liners. While it was unanimously agreed that they were the supreme form of humor, a schism had been created. Those who believed that one-liners were best in context and as a response to unusual situations, and those who believed one-liners were best when prepared beforehoof and their delivery planned for maximum amusement.
Both sides of the debate had valid points – one member of Team Context was bringing Spider-Mare into the picture, referencing her legendary one-liners. Team Preparation rebutted this by saying Spider-Mare was a work of fiction, and therefore all her lines were scripted anyway.
A third, younger panelist was saying something about one-liners being delivered by the cosmos to ponies in need, so they were both prepared and contextual, but nopony was really paying any attention to him.
Twilight and Pinkie in their chairs, enraptured. Suddenly, an excruciatingly loud beep was heard throughout the room. In LineCon, that meant only one thing.
Every single pony in the room stopped talking immediately. Heads turned, eyes looked up, and total silence prevailed until suddenly –
“TWO WRONGS DON’T MAKE A RIGHT… BUT THREE LEFTS DO.”
There was a pregnant pause in the air as everypony processed the one-liner, and then a few chuckles, and then finally an uproar of laughter.
“Huh?” Twilight turned to Pinkie. “I don't get it.”
Pinkie rolled her eyes. “It's not funny if you have to explain it, Twilight! But since you're my friend, I will consent…” Even though Twilight had been to the convention at least a dozen times, she still had to have jokes explained to her more often than not.
0.o.0
Pinkie Pie looked up from the bathroom sink. A poster board was stuck to the mirror, blocking her reflection.
“LIFE IS LIKE TOILET PAPER. YOU’RE EITHER ON A ROLL, OR YOU’RE TAKING CRAP FROM SOME BUTTHOLE.”
0.o.0
“What do you think of LineCon, Pinkie?” Twilight Sparkle and Pinkie Pie retired to their hotel rooms, preparing to bid adieu to Day One of LineCon, and getting ready for the wonders and mysteries of Day Two. “I had a ton of fun, but you’re the first pony I’ve brought aside from my parents and Shining Armor.”
Pinkie returned with a smile. “I had a blast, Twilight. Can’t wait for tomorrow :)!”
There was a moment of silence as Twilight struggled to process what had just come out of Pinkie’s mouth. She strained for a moment, and then resigned herself. Nevermind.
Pinkie broke the silence. “What was your favorite one-liner from the day?”
“What? No! You don’t ask that question until we leave the convention, Pinkie! It’s practically a law of LineCon.” Twilight was aghast.
“Ohh my gosh I’m so sorry!” Pinkie gesticulated with a hoof. “I had no idea!”
“Of course, it’s okay, Pinkie. Just, don’t do it again.”
“Goodnight, Twilight.”
“Goodnight, Pinkie.”
0.o.0
Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle awoke to a loud beep, which began the day with a one-liner.
“ANY SALAD CAN BE CAESAR IF YOU STAB IT ENOUGH.”
Navigating their way down to the complimentary continental breakfast served to patrons of the convention, they found that each and every item on the menu was a one-liner, pun, or joke. Items such as the previously mentioned Caesar salad, vegan missed steak, sliced bread, and seafood adorned the menu.
Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle shared a look. A look that very clearly said, it is way too early in the morning for this.
They decided to go get Dairy Queen.
0.o.0
The two friends sat near the front of an audience, sitting in on a panel titled “The Nature of Pith”. The famed author A.K. Yearling, known by a select few to be Daring Do, sat as a guest speaker.
Twilight watched as she spoke of her character’s pith helmet, and how she comes up with one-liners for Daring Do, her main protagonist.
“When writing Ahuizotl, you have to keep in mind his nature as a character. He is a very stereotypical egomaniac villain; he commands an army of felines and keeps a white kitten that he strokes malevolently. Daring’s lines are engineered to maintain the sense of blah, that blah blah blah blah. Blah…”
Her words started to fade into oblivion, becoming a slow drone as Twilight lost focus. Last night had provided her with a fitful sleep, plagued by nightmares of really terrible one-liners.
Pinkie's voice cut through the fog, jolting her back awake.
“Twilight! I cannot believe you are daring to sleep at a time like this!”
Everypony within earshot exploded in applause and cheers, as was customary when a good pun was told at LineCon.
A beep interrupted Pinkie’s applause.
“THERE ARE THREE KINDS OF PONIES IN THIS WORLD; THOSE WHO CAN COUNT AND THOSE WHO CANNOT.”
0.o.0
Day Two of the League Interested iN Exhilarating Comedic One liNers was coming to a close, and Pinkie was not tired at all.
“Twilight.”
“Yes, Pinkie?”
“Do you think we can go–”
“No, Pinkie. It’s almost midnight, and we have to get up early tomorrow. We have a lot to do and see in the morning.”
“Okay, Twilight.” Pinkie smiled. Spending time with friends was such a nice way to wrap up a long and eventful day.
Morning dawned, and for the first time in three days, Twilight felt whole and fully rested. The two friends made their way to the continental breakfast, decided they could manage some early-morning puns today.
After stuffing their faces, they navigated to the Hall of Golden One-Liners, where puns by Daring Do, Spider-Mare, and Sherclop Pones reigned supreme.
Twilight walked down the red carpet, watching as ponies wandered the Hall, reading and appreciating the one-liners. One in particular caught her eye; a quote from Spider-Mare.
“Doctor Octopus: You’re making a career of interference!
Spider-Mare: Some career! No salary, no vacation – and talk about on-the-job health hazards!”
Snorting, she turned to see another one, this time by Indiana Pones.
“Indiana Pones: I’m like a bad bit, I always turn up.”
0.o.0
As the clock struck high noon, a single, loud beep echoed across the panel about the authors of Spider-Mare.
“THANK YOU FOR ATTENDING THE SIXTEENTH LEAGUE INTERESTED IN EXHILARATING COMEDIC ONE LINERS CONVENTION. AS THE CONVENTION DRAWS TO CLOSE, WE ASK THAT YOU…”
Twilight tuned out of the announcement, but she understood the intention. It was time to go, unfortunately, and her time spent at LineCon was to be put on hiatus until next year.
“Well, Pinkie Pie, I want to thank you again for coming with me. It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to convince anypony to come with me to any conventions, line-related or not.”
“No problem, Twilight!” Pinkie replied. “I really enjoyed it. What was your favorite line?"
Twilight grinned. "The one in the bathroom."
Pinkie Pie laughed in agreement. "Maybe we can come back next year – once we tell our friends about it, I bet they’ll be forming a line to come with us!”
“Pinkie.”
“Yes, Twilight?”
“That was terrible.”
Author's Note
most of the lines were stolen from various websites i cannot claim any of them lol
