Wait... Horses Can't Vomit?
Two rivals locked eyes from across the field; sparks crackling between them with such ferocity they threatened to ignite like a powder keg. A challenge had been issued, the lines had been drawn; the stakes set and both combatants now stood ready to throw down. Their fingers itched as they hovered over the grip of their agreed upon weapons, both raring to make the first move.
“You’re going down,” Rainbow Dash said, blowing a lock of rainbow hair out of her eyes.
“Not before y’all do,” Applejack rebutted, gripping the fringe of her hat with one hand, her other hand still posed to draw first.
Standing off to the side, Twilight held a stopwatch in her hand as she looked between the two, taking a second to readjust her glasses. “Alright, you ready?”
“Whenever yer ready, pardner.”
“What she said!”
“Alright, on your marks…”
Applejack curled her fingers one after the other, her eyes switching between looking Dash straight in the eye and glancing down at her weapon of choice.
“…Get set…”
Rainbow Dash licked her lips, a bead of sweat rolling down her face as she prepared to leap into action.
“…And…
“DRINK!”
In a flash, both of them grabbed their mug and brought it to their mouths, guzzling their drink as quickly as they dared. The seconds ticked by like minutes as they drained their respective glasses.
“Chug! Chug! Chug!” Pinkie Pie and Sunset chanted, pumping their fists in tandem as they watched the drinking contest wage on from their seats on the other side of Pinkie’s dining room table.
Applejack and Rainbow slammed their mugs onto the table, gasping for breath. Twilight clicked on her stopwatch the second the mugs hit the table, Applejack and Rainbow Dash never taking their eyes off one another.
“Urk!” Rainbow lurched forward, her hand shooting up to cover her mouth as she felt something bubble up from the pit of her stomach.
“What’s wrong?” Applejack asked, grinning. “Got something ya want to say?”
Shaking her head, she looked at Twilight, a pleading look in her eyes. “Time?” she mumbled, her hand still holding back the ensuing tide.
“Fifteen seconds,” Twilight read off her stopwatch. “The rules were you have to keep it down for at least a minute.”
“Yeah, Dashie!” Pinkie encouraged from the sidelines. “You spew, you lose!”
“Not helping!” Rainbow lurched forward again as her stomach started doing backflips.
“Thirty seconds.”
What had previously been backflips quickly escalated into a full acrobatic routine put on by a three-ring circus, almost causing her to lose it then and there when a small amount of bile splashed up against her tongue. Come on Dash, hold it together!
Applejack smiled at Dash from across the table, unable to deny that she was taking a sick kind of pleasure in seeing the usually boisterous girl squirm.
“Fifty seconds.”
In a last ditch effort, Rainbow forced herself to choke back the rising tide of bile, grunting as she swallowed the vile tasting mess back down. “Bleh!”
“And… time!”
“Well, I’ll be. Looks like ya managed to keep it together,” Applejack congratulated her.
“Piece… of… cake,” Rainbow grunted, the awful taste still fresh in her mouth. “Ugh…” She moaned as she flopped forward, her head coming to rest on the table. The sound of glass sliding across the table was enough to muster the energy to raise her head, allowing her to see the glass of water pushed in front of her. “… Thanks… Sunset,” she said before guzzling the glass of water back.
“Don’t mention it.”
Raising her glass into the air, Applejack said, “Well, don’t know about y’all, but I’m rarin’ for another go. Just need a refill and a willin’ dance partner. Any takers?
Sunset raised her hand to Applejack’s challenge. “I’ll take you on. It’ll give me a chance to get one over Dash for once.”
Having finally managing to wash the taste of bile out of her mouth, Rainbow Dash slammed her glass back down. “Yeah, even I wouldn’t take that bet. The rules were that you couldn’t puke, so you’d have an unfair advantage over the rest of us.”
“I’m surprised ya even know that, Dash,” Applejack remarked, raising an eyebrow
“Hey, I pay attention in Science… sometimes.”
“Know about what?” Sunset asked, visible confused. “One of you want to clue me in on what the hell you’re talking about?”
“Don’t play dumb, Sunset,” Rainbow said with an air of absolute certainty. “We all know it’s impossible for you to puke.”
Sunset stared at Rainbow Dash like she had just sprouted a second head sporting a monocle and a top hat. “What.”
“You know, vomit? Blow chunks? Toss your cookies?”
“What Dash very nearly did?” Applejack added.
“Yeah! … HEY!”
Reaching across the table and picking up Dash’s discarded mug, Sunset brought it up to her nose and took a whiff. “You sure you brought root beer and not actual beer? ’Cause none of you are making any sense right now.”
“Makes perfect sense to me,” Twilight spoke up, pushing her glasses up the ridge of her nose so they glinted in the light. “I mean, this sounds more like it would be Fluttershy’s area of expertise and it has been a while since I cracked open a textbook on veterinary practices, but I still remember reading about this very thing.”
“Which is…?”
“That horses can’t vomit.”
Judging by the look on Sunset’s face, now it was Twilight’s turn to grow a second head, only this one grew feet, leapt off her shoulder and started dancing an Irish jig on top of the table. “… Run that by me again. Because I could have sworn you just said that horses couldn’t vomit.”
“She did, Sugarcube,” Applejack said, “I had to take Elizabeth to the vet a few months back cause her belly was all distended and bloated. Speakin’ of Fluttershy, lucky thing she manages to get my family a discount given how many times we’ve had to take the animals in for one reason or another.”
“Yeah,” Twilight continued, adopting what her friends had long since called her “lecturing tone”. “From what I can remember, most equines have a very weak gag reflex. Their necks are also at a poor angle to allow their stomachs to force open the valve that connects the esophagus to the stomach, to say nothing of forcing it up their throats.” Noticing Sunset’s disbelief following her explanation, Twilight asked, “You… really didn’t know that?”
“No, no I didn’t! That’s… that’s just…” Sputtering, Sunset grasped to put her reaction into words. “I don’t know what else to say, but that that’s one of the strangest things I’ve ever heard!”
“Well, it’s true. I could pick up a book on equine biology if you’d like,” Twilight offered.
“No, you don’t have to do that. I appreciate the thought though.” Sinking back into her seat, Sunset sighed as she rubbed her forehead. “Ok, sudden biology lesson aside, I still don’t see how this ties into me.”
“Wait,” Twilight seemed honestly puzzled. “Aren’t you a horse? I mean, you’re obviously a human now, but when I got a look through those rifts to your world—what did you call it… Equestria?— I remember seeing horses walking around in the city. I just assumed they were the natives and that you were one too.”
“I’m a pony, not a horse, Twilight. They’re not the same.”
“Close enough as far as I can tell.” Rainbow began counting off her fingers as she added, “You’ve both got hooves, eat grass and plants and probably graze about. Ergo, same thing.”
“You sure? Cause I have heard the theory that humans are nearly identical to monkeys in a lot of ways too, ” Sunset countered Rainbow’s claims. “So, are you telling me that you like to lounge around in trees for fruit, pick bugs off your fur and enjoy throwing your own s—”
“That’s different,” Rainbow interrupted.
“How is it different?”
“It just is!”
Sunset could feel her blood begin to boil. “That doesn’t make any—”
“Hold on! Time out!” Pinkie Pie shouted, suddenly appearing in the doorway and carrying with her a tray with five freshly made smoothies on top. Since none of them had seen her leave, nor could they remember hearing the blender go off, how she had managed to produce five smoothies in such a short amount of time was another question added to the ever growing pile marked ‘Pinkie Pie’. “It’s getting kind of loud in here. That means it’s smoothie time!”
Hopping around the room, she passed a smoothie to each of them in turn, setting her tray aside and taking a sip of her own when she was done. After several seconds of silence as everyone enjoyed their frozen treat, Pinkie spoke up. “Well, now that everyone’s had a chance to cool off, you were saying, Sunset?”
“Thanks for the smoothie, Pinkie,” Sunset said between sips. “And, now that I think about it, you’re right, Dash. Comparing humans to monkeys is different than comparing ponies to horses.”
“Told you so,” Dash replied, nearly draining her smoothie in one go.
“Yes, it would be much more accurate for me to compare humans to apes that came from another planet.” Sunset went on before Dash had a chance to interrupt her again. “Yes, I will admit there are some similarities between ponies and horses. Like you said, we both have four hooves, similar diets and have to pay a visit to the farrier every few months to get our shoes fixed.”
“Y’all have farriers over there too?” Unable to help herself, Applejack started laughing. “Well, tan my hide and call me be Sally, ain’t that just a kick in the pants.”
“You actually wore horseshoes? What’s that like?” Twilight inquired.
Sunset shrugged her shoulders. “It’s nowhere near as bad as you’re probably thinking. We have dentists in Equestria too, so I can safely say it’s not as bad as that, but it’s certainly not going to the salon to get your nails done. Somewhere in-between maybe. Plus, a surprising number of ponies choose to forego shoes entirely, since you only really need them if you intend to do a lot of running across uneven roads. Hooves or not, running across gravel and rock does a number on your feet.
“Back on topic, while there are similarities, you have to remember that that’s compared to Earth horses. I’m not just a pony, but a pony from a parallel world where ponies are the primary species and where magic is as common a sight as the sun and the moon. We may look similar to earth horses at a glance, but our biologies are vastly different. After all, last I checked horses over here don’t have horns, primary and secondary feathers or mana flows.”
Twilight tapped her fingers against her chin in thought. “I guess that would make sense. A drastically different environment would contribute to varied branches of evolution to occur, even among like species. It’s possible that your ancestors might have been similar lifeforms to the horses we have on Earth at one point in time, but hundred upon hundred of generations have made the two genetically unrecognizable.”
“Exactly.“ Putting aside her empty glass, Sunset went on to say, “My point in all this, is that I am fully capable of throwing up, even back when I lived in Equestria. It’s not a very pleasant experience as I’m sure you can wager, but I can still do it none the less. Hell, when I caught the Summer Flu one year, I had to literally keep a bucket at arms reach for that very reason.“
Looking around the room as everyone else finished off their smoothies, Sunset was glad to see looks of understanding on all of her friend’s faces. Well, all of them except for Applejack, who instead bore a look of apprehension on her face. “You don’t buy any of this, do you, Applejack?”
“Nah, it’s not that. I’m not discountin’ that what yer sayin’ is true or not. It’s just that… I’ve been carin’ for the horses on my farm since I could walk, so all this just flies in the face of everythin’ I’ve learned. I’m guessin’ I may need to time swallow all this is all.”
“Appropriate choice of words given the subject matter,” Twilight remarked.
“I’m not sure how I could convince you otherwise. What do you want me to do?”
“Prove it?” Dash suggested, to a row of blank stares from everyone else in the room.
“And I would do that… how?”
“Simple: you puke, that’s good enough for me.”
“Eww! Dashie, that’s gross.” Pinkie exclaimed, shuddering with disgust.
“Hey, fastest way I could think of for her to prove she’s not full of it,” Rainbow defended.
“Sorry to disappoint you, but that wouldn’t prove anything. When I crossed over through the mirror, I became a one hundred percent bonafide human. Well, maybe more like ninety-nine percent since I still kept my magic.” Snapping her fingers suddenly, her face lit up at she chanced upon an idea. “But I think I know just the thing.”
Getting up, she walked out into the hall, returning moments later with her backpack in hand. “If I can’t convince you,” Rifling through its contents, she pulled out a thick book and slammed it down into the table, revealing the sun symbol on the front for all to see. “Then I know somepony else who might.”
“Somepony?” Twilight asked, before being waved off by Rainbow.
“Don’t ask. It’s a pony thing apparently.”
“I don’t know,” Applejack replied. “Y’all sure we should really be buggin’ the Princess about all this? I’m sure she’s got more important things to deal with.”
“She’s the Princess of Friendship, which I’m going to go out on a limb and say settling an argument falls under. Plus, I know Princess Twilight’s got a sense of humour, I’m sure she won’t mind.” Producing a pen from her bag, Sunset turned to the newest page and began scrawling her message.
Dear Twilight,
Sorry to bother you. I know you’re probably busy with your duties as a princess, but I was hoping you could help settle something between the girls and me. I swear I’ll fill you in on the details later, but right now I just need you to answer a question for me:
Can ponies vomit?
- Your friend, Sunset Shimmer
“And now, we wait.” Closing her journal, she set it aside. “Any ideas on what we should do in the meantime?”
As if prepared for just that question, Pinkie Pie produced a deck of playing cards from… somewhere. “Poker, anybody?”
***
“Right, there’s the river. Anyone want to try their luck and raise their bets?” When no one spoke up, Applejack looked at the three of them with cards still in front of them. “Okay then, turn ‘em”
Sunset was the first to turn her cards up. “High pairs.”
“Full house!” Rainbow gloated. “Beat that.”
“Four of a kind.”
“What!” Looking between the cards dealt, Rainbow couldn’t deny that Twilight had indeed scored a four of a kind. “Drat! I’ve had enough of your beginner's luck already!”
“Sorry, Rainbow,” Twilight sincerely apologized as she scooped up the cookies they were using as chips into her ever-growing pile. “You’ll win next hand, I’m sure of it.”
“At the rate you’re clearing her out, not likely.” Glancing from across the table, Sunset suddenly asked, “You’re not… counting, are you?”
“What? No! I mean, I did read up on the science and mathematics of card counting, which is actually very fascinating, but that would be cheating. It wouldn’t be fair.”
Sunset didn’t seem totally convinced. “And you just ‘happened’ to read a book on card counting because…?”
“Well…”
A low vibrating noise cut Twilight off before she could explain herself, Sunset glancing over to see her journal lit up by a purple glow. “Saved by the bell.” Picking up her journal, Sunset flipped to the page containing Princess Twilight’s reply. Taking a second to clear her throat, she began to read the response aloud.
“Dear Sunset Shimmer,
“I debated for close to ten minutes on whether you were being serious or not. Regardless, I do have an answer to your question, and a story to go with it.
“Not long after I moved to Ponyville, maybe two or three weeks, Applejack (that’s the pony Applejack, just so you know) took up the challenge of harvesting her entire family’s orchard of apples. By herself.”
“The whole orchard?” Applejack asked incredulously, whistling at the sheer absurdity of such a task. “Woo-ey, I may be a right stubborn mule on occasion, but even I’m not bull-headed enough to try that stunt. I can’t imagine that goin’ too well.”
“After nearly three days of working non-stop with little sleep and barely anything to eat, Applejack was just about ready to drop from exhaustion, but through it all refused my offers to help. By the end though, she had finally picked the last tree clean… only to learn seconds later that she had in fact only finished about a fifth of the whole orchard.
To her credit though, she did realize after that that she had clearly bitten off far more than she could chew, and wasted no time in asking her friends for help. In the end, we all learned a valuable lesson and I got to write a Friendship Report to the Princess about it.”
“Is she going anywhere with this?” Rainbow Dash asked while munching on one of the few cookies she had yet to lose to Twilight.
“Hold on, there’s more,” Sunset replied as she continued reading.
“Before all this though, Applejack had promised to help several ponies around town with various tasks and jobs. And, despite the fact that she was near delirious from lack of sleep, a promise is a promise.
“After catapulting Rainbow Dash into my balcony, she then went straight to help Pinkie Pie at Sugarcube Corner. Again, those are the pony Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, just so there’s no confusion. Actually, now that I think about it, if the other me is there with you, hi me!”
“Um…” Unsure on how to respond, Twilight awkwardly waved. “...Hi?”
“Anyway, so Pinkie Pie had asked Applejack to help her bake a few batches of muffins for the bakery. Unfortunately, I suspect Applejack’s ears were still ringing a bit after I tried to talk some sense into her and she ended up knocking her head against a branch, since she misheard Pinkie’s instructions for chocolate chips, baking soda, a cup of flour and wheat germ as potato chips, soda drink, a ‘cup of sour’ or lemon juice and wheat worms, which she took to mean earthworms.”
“Ewww! Nasty!” Pinkie gagged, sticking her tongue out. “Unless they’re gummy, worms don’t belong in food!”
“Actually,” Twilight was more than happy to add, “In some cultures, certain worms and bugs are considered a delicacy. I’ve read that they’ve been known to be served either fried or coated in chocolate to dignitaries visiting from overseas.”
“Gross!” Pinkie gagged a second time, a sentiment she shared with Rainbow Dash.
“Not only did Pinkie not notice Applejack’s odd choice of ingredients, but she somehow managed to bake the concoction into several batches of deceptively looking muffins. These muffins then ended up being displayed in the bakery, during the lunch rush.”
Twilight grimaced. “Oh, that couldn’t have been pretty.”
“In case you’re wondering, no, it wasn’t pretty. I ended up being called in to help after the ensuing outbreak of food poisoning felled over a dozen ponies, prompting a medical tent to be set up in the middle of town to hold them all. Among them was Pinkie Pie, who had just enough time to warn me about the “Baked Bads” before throwing up into the bucket beside her bed. She wasn’t the only pony to do so either, nor was she the first.
“So, to answer your question, yes, ponies can vomit, hurl, throw up, toss their cookies, lose their lunch and violently empty the contents of their stomach into the nearest receptacle. I await an explanation for why you needed to know this.”
“And there you have it, right from the pony’s mouth.” Setting her journal down, Sunset sat back in her chair with her arms crossed over her chest and a smug “I-told-you-so” smile on her face. “Satisfied?”
Applejack shrugged her shoulders, unable to think of a convincing counter-argument. “Guessin’ I can’t argue with that. Ponies can vomit, who would have thought?”
“Great, now that we’ve got that settled…” Slamming her hand down onto the table with a resounding thud, Sunset threw her other hand into the air and yelled, “Pinkie, another round!”
“Aye, aye, Capitan!” Pinkie saluted before running into the kitchen to pour another round of drinks.
“Alright, Applejack,” Sunset taunted while cracking the bones in her shoulders. “Time for you to relinquish your crown.”
Applejack chuckled at Sunset’s enthusiasm. “I’d like to see ya try. Might not be any alcohol in this here drinks, but there ain’t been a person alive capable of drinking an Apple under the table.”
“You know what they say,” Sunset said with a sneer, “There’s a first time for everything.”
“Them’s fightin’ words,” Applejack countered, loudly cracking the bones in her wrists and fingers. “Let’s see ya back ‘em up, pony girl.”
“Gladly.”
Returning with mugs in hand, both filled to the brim with root beer, Pinkie Pie placed the glasses in front of them before leaping away out of the line of fire of the two competitors.
Fishing her stopwatch back out, Twilight took up her spot back on the other side of the table. “On your marks…”
Applejack and Sunset grabbed the handle of their respective mug, ready to go on Twilight’s mark.
“…Get set…”
“DRINK!”
Author's Note
While looking through TvTropes, I happened to stumble upon this entry in the Artistic License - Biology page, under the Fan Works tab:
"Fanfic writers generally tend to forget that horses can't vomit"
The above story is my rebuttal.
