Equestrian Censorship

by DwarvishPony

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Spike, Comedy
Length: 2030

Twilight Sparkle comes upon a startling discovery. No matter how hard she tries, she can't curse! Scientific observation must commence!

Twilight Sparkle gets hurt. The natural response is to let slip a bad word. But as she lets out said word of bad, something interrupts her. This is surprising, but not unexpected. Random happenings occur in Ponyville all the time. But then it happens again. And again. Pretty soon Twilight Sparkle suspects that there's some larger force at play. It's time to science the fyay! out of this!

Published 2016-04-02 00:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-02 00:50:01 UTC

What sorcery is this?!

"Spike! What the f-" Twilight started to yell, only to have her swearing be drowned out by the sound of a sonic rainboom outside her castle. "Stop leaving your toys on the floor!"

Twilight had stepped on one of Spike's Creato-Bricks again. That marked the third time today that the baby dragon had left the tiny bricks of death on the floor. This time, Twilight had vented verbally. What was more frustrating was the fact that Friendship Castle was not small by any means. So the fact that she'd managed to find Spike's Creato-Bricks of Fetlock Destruction +2 on three separate occasions (most recently in an isolated part of the East wing) caused the odds to go from coincidental to statistical anomaly.

"Sorry, Twilight. Sheesh, I didn't think you used this part of the castle." Spike jogged into the room and began scooping the sharp objects into his claws. "What are you doing up here anyway?"

"Oh I just thought my hooves could use some severe pain, and I thought that maybe your Creato-Bricks would do the trick." Twilight responded sarcastically. "I wasn't trying to come up here to read a book in peace and quiet or anything."

"How To Win Your Stallion's Heart by Love Crafter." Spike read the cover of a book on the floor nearby. "Twilight, you're not seriously reading this, are you?"

"That's none of your d-" Rainbow Dash crashed through the window of the tower the two stood in. "business!" Twilight facehoofed as she realized she now had a window to replace. "Rainbow Dash! What are you doing?!"

"Sorry, Twi." The cyan pegasus replied as she rubbed a hoof through her rainbow mane. "I was trying to see if I could do a double-rainboom. Turns out it's harder than it sounds."

"How'd you manage to hit my window?!" Twilight yelled. Spike took this opportunity to slip out of the room to avoid the alicorn's wrath. "You've got all of Ponyville to practice in and it's always my home that gets damaged. This is just ridiculous at this point."

"Look, I'll fix the window. It was an accident okay, sh-" Rainbow started to reply.

"Wow, Dashie! That was super awesome! I mean, you didn't do the double-rainboom like you promised, but you came close!" A hyperactive ball of pink poked her head into the room, interrupting Rainbow Dash.

"Pinkie. Great. Didn't I tell you to knock before coming into my home?" Twilight leveled her eyes in frustration.

"Yep! But then Dashie crashied into this tower, and I figured I'd check on her and ask what kind of frosting she wanted on her 'you-almost-did-a-double-rainboom' cake for her semi-success party later! Oh, and you're invited too."

"Will there be spiked punch this time?" Twilight asked, barely able to contain her frustration as she spoke to the only friend she'd ever threatened with a restraining order.

"Well, I was thinking about it. Why?"

"I'm going to need a fu-"

"Do pardon the interruption, darlings, but I couldn't help but notice that you've got a broken window, Twilight." A white pony sauntered into the room. "Is everything all right?"

"Yes, Rarity. Everything is fine." Twilight pinched the bridge of her nose and squeezed her eyes shut, determined to not let the migraine start. "I was trying out a new decor up here." Sarcasm practically dripped from the princess' mouth. "I call it 'Breezy Chic'."

"I don't mean to sound rude, but that's a terrible way to go about letting in more fresh air. Perhaps just replacing the window would do?" Rarity and sarcasm mixed about as well as Fluttershy and alcohol.

"Rarity, how are you so f-"

"Howdy, everypony. Everything all right? I saw Rainbow crash all the way from Sweet Apple Acres." An orange earth pony with a Stetson trotted into the room.

"Ugh. Everypony come into my home. It's not like I wanted a day to read alone." Twilight spoke to nobody in particular.

"Much obliged, Twilight." Applejack nodded, missing the point about as much as Spike would during a lecture.

"Now all we need is Fluttershy to show up and we've got the whole gang here. That would complete my sh-"

"Oh, um. Am I interrupting a 'yay-no-Fluttershy' party again? I'll just leave, I guess. Sorry." A yellow pegasus had flown up to the broken window.

"Nah, yer not interruptin' nothin', sugarcube." Applejack stopped the timid mare from leaving. "Matter o' fact, Twilight invited us in."

Twilight was a barely contained ball of rage at this point. All she wanted was to sit down and read a book. Alone. Instead, her supposed 'friends' had broken in, smashed a window, and were now proceeding to gossip and socialize like Pinkie Pie had decided to throw her stupid party here. It was just so frustrating! It felt like every time she was about to vent by yelling one of her favorite four-letter words, some cosmic anomaly intervened.

Wait a minute. Thought Twilight. Is that what's happening here? She saw only one way to test the theory.

"Fu-" Twilight began.

"Twilight! I had no idea you were a fan of Love Crafter! Oh, I find her works to be marvelously helpful, don't you?" Rarity had found the book Twilight wanted to read today. "I'm certain that this would be immensely helpful in getting Flash Sentry into-"

"Rarity, shut the fu-"

"Flash Sentry? I didn't know you had a thing for him!" Rainbow Dash grinned devilishly.

"I don't. I just know Rarity spreads gossip around." Twilight replied without the slightest hint of embarrassment. "Listen, this has been fascinating and all, but I'm kicking all of you out. I'll be at Pinkie's party later, getting blackout drunk."

"But if it's not Flash, who's the stallion?" Rarity asked as Twilight magically lifted the unicorn without giving in to the urge to fling her out the broken window. Instead she started floating Rarity to the door.

"Nopony you need to worry about. Now get out!" Twilight shooed everypony out unceremoniously. She had a new hypothesis to test and as Celestia as her witness, science would be done!

Science was Twilight's second favorite thing ever, just after books and right above drinking with Berry Punch. But science wasn't about just theorizing something. Theories needed to be tested extensively if something were to be accepted in the scientific community. This hypothesis in particular would be difficult to test for.

Twilight's hypothesis in question? There was some force at play that prevented ponies from cursing. She'd witnessed it all morning. Now it was time to see if the theory held true for other ponies.

Twilight had as foolproof a field setup as possible. She'd hunkered down in a bush, poking binoculars from said leafy cover to watch her experiments.

The experiment itself was simple enough. Twilight had tied a long stick to a pulley system tied to a string. The stick sat in a somewhat traveled road and when Twilight pulled the string it raised the stick upwards to about shin height.

Twilight's first vic- case study participant was Miss Cheerilee. The school teacher was carrying a bag of groceries on her back with practiced ease as she headed home. When Cheerilee was close enough Twilight's stick raised and the poor teacher's shin was wracked with sudden pain.

"Ah Fu-" "Hi Twilight!" "That hurt!" Cheerilee cried out in pain, only for Pinkie Pie to censor Cheerilee's swearing. The teacher picked up a few pieces of fruit before hobbling off.

"What ya doing in that bush?" The bubbly pink mare filled the view through Twilight's binoculars. Twilight scratched down some notes on a clipboard before answering.

"Taking notes. Doing research. Avoiding you and everypony else while I test my theories." Twilight answered, peering around Pinkie for more test subjects. "Pinkie, you're disturbing the integrity of the experiment. If test subjects are aware they're in a test, I can't be sure of the validity of my study."

"Huh?" Pinkie tilted her head to the side in confusion.

"I need you to go away for now. I'll see you later, okay?"

"Okie Dokie Lokie!" The mare bounced away humming an indistinct tune.

Twilight's second participant came in the form of Bonbon. Up went the stick. Down went Bonbon who let out a stream of profanities that would have curdled milk. Or that's what Twilight assumed, but couldn't hear thanks to Pinkie Pie trotting down the street playing eight instruments in a one-pony band. Twilight made even more notes, wondering if Pinkie knew what these experiments were for. If that was the case, was she doing this on purpose?

Twilight's third subject was Applejack. While normally the alicorn wouldn't intentionally try to hurt her friends (or anypony else for that matter) science required being completely impartial. Up went the stick.

"Gah!" The orange mare cried out in pain. Surprisingly though, Applejack resisted any temptations she had to utter words that she'd have punished her little sister for. Twilight chalked it up to something she should have accounted for, made her notes, and continued her experiment.

This continued through the afternoon, until dusk settled upon the cozy town. All in all, twenty-seven residents of Ponyville had bruised shins. Twenty-seven ponies had either had some kind of sound or event mask their angry curse word or just didn't utter them. Fluttershy had found an incredibly creative way of avoiding cursing by muttering "Gosh darn diddly doo."

Twilight furrowed her brow. By all accounts, her theory seemed sound. But what kind of force would prevent ponies from cursing? Twilight's first though thought was Discord, but that seemed like the opposite of what he would try. If anything Discord would try getting ponies to curse in front of the princesses or something.

The princesses! If anypony knew why nopony could be heard cursing, it was Celestia and Luna. Twilight charged her horn full of magic and disappeared with a small pop before reappearing in the entry way to the castle in Canterlot. A quick question to the guards told her that Celestia was in her study having her evening tea.

Twilight teleported to the outside of Celestia's study and knocked. Some habits never died, after all.

"Please, come in." Celestia's melodic voice slipped through the door. Twilight entered.

"Princess Celestia, I have some very odd news. Today I stepped on one of Spike's stupid Creato-Bricks and let slip a bad word. The strange thing was that Rainbow Dash let off a sonic rainboom and masked the sound. After some fairly intensive preliminary studies, I have a theory that something in Ponyville, and perhaps even Equestria as a whole, is preventing ponies from cursing."

"My, it seems you've put a lot of work into this." Celestia tapped a hoof against her chin thoughtfully.

"Have you ever run across an anomaly like this?" Twilight sat down across from the princess she'd once called mentor (and still did in private thoughts).

"As a matter of fact I have." Celestia responded with a warm smile.

"Great! That would really help my research." Twilight whipped out her clipboard and quill, ready to jot down more notes. "Is it some sort of passive magical field? Discord? Some overly zealous nice pony?"

"It was me."

"I'm sorry, what?" Twilight lost her magical grip on the clipboard, letting it clatter to the floor.

"It was me. I did it." Celestia answered with a mischievous grin. "Every so often I get bored and cast censorship spells on various cities and towns. I like to watch ponies' confusion at the fact that they can't get away with cursing. Manehattan is one of my favorite cities to do it to, actually." Celestia took a sip of her tea. "I'll be honest, you're the only pony in Ponyville who noticed today. I was rather disappointed, actually."

Twilight frowned in disappointment. She'd been hoping that she'd stumbled across a new magical discovery. Instead it was just another day of Celestia being bored.

"Princess Celestia?"

"Yes, Twilight?"

"With all due respect," Twilight huffed. "Go fuck yourself."

Author's Note

The results of finding an unnecessary censorship video and the fact that today is April Fool's day. As always, I regret nothing. :trollestia: