The Daily Life of a Villain

by Neo Machine

Rating: mature
Tags: Drama, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Science Fiction, Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, Sex
Length: 12236

An episodic comedy series that centers around the everyday adventures of villains, specifically Black Dawn, an ex-minion that is determined to become the greatest supervillain ever.

An episodic comedy series that centers around the almost realistic, yet utterly insane, everyday lives and adventures of villains, specifically Black Dawn, an ex-minion that is determined to become the greatest supervillain ever.

Check out the official EVIL Guidebook!
(Note: Still in developement.)
(Note: This is made for universal use, so certain terms may not fit the MLP world.)

Submit a villain to be featured on the show!

Want to help in writing? Sign up to be an assistant writer!
(Note: You will be credited, duh.)

Published 2016-04-23 17:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-08 17:21:26 UTC

Pilot 1a - Black Dawn (Part 1)

Author's Note

WARNING: This series contains the following...

Gore...
Sex... (Though not technically clop)
Swearing...
Silliness...
Crude humour...
Occasional dark themes...
And a delicious amount of hamminess.

If you can stomach such series as: Sanity Not Included, Deadpool, The Venture Bros., Metal Gear Solid, and other such series, this will be a cakewalk.

If you can't, well, there's nothing I can really do to stop you, just read at your own risk.

Pilot 1a - Black Dawn (Part 1)

My name is Jack Ripper, and I am a villain of the Enterprise Villainy International League, or EVIL for short. I was captured as a foal and served as a minion for Black Sun, a common villain of the league. During his career, he died and I was given a choice, either become a villain of the EVIL myself, or try to make it alone in the outside world. For it was the only thing I knew, causing crime and chaos to the outside world, I became a villain.

Under the name Black Dawn, I have started my villainous career from the ashes of my leader. I have made many friends during my career, fellow villains of the EVIL. Almost every day, fate would throw something at us that would change our lives for better or worse. Alongside my friends, I rose through the ranks, from a Level 0 minion, to something beyond my wildest dreams.

These are my stories. These are my friends' stories. These are the stories of the daily life of a villain.

It has been a week since I have seen any form of land. My body is tired of the waves, my mind is exhausted from what I've had to put up with on this ship, my body and my mind are both sick after who-knows how many times I puked into the ocean. However, this torture will all be worth it, for at this night, with the stars wishing me good luck, my life will begin anew, my new life as a villain of the Enterprise Villainy International League, or EVIL for short. A little over a month ago, I saw my master and father figure die in the line of duty by the hooves of his sworn enemy. He was disintegrated by a magic superbeam, and all that was left of him was his cape. I was enraged to see such a great pony go, he taught me everything I knew then. However, I used my anger to an advantage, and used it to become a villain just like him and continue his legacy. I have taken every test the EVIL has thrown at me and I have gathered all of my material assets in which to use in my future career. Now it is only a matter of time before I am personally judged by the higher-ups of the EVIL, and given the official title of an actual villain.

Some ponies may ask me: Why I do this? Why do I want to become a villain, and attack those who otherwise don't deserve it? My answer, is like most other others? There is no other choice. The world that ponies call "civil" is kill-or-be-killed, and usually, you have no choice on what side you're on. You are either born the predator, the rich tycoon, the royal, or the prey, the lower class, the weak. Out there, I am as good as dead, but in here, in the line of villainy, I have a chance. All I need is just enough to get started.

Jack examined his recently written memoirs in the moon's glow, making sure every word sounded perfect.

Did one of my sentences sound too pretentious? He thought, Did I use improper grammar? Did I forget to cross a T or dot an I?

His journal slowly slid across the railing in unison with the rolling waves that surrounded the boat. It teased Jack as he watched over the book, every time the boat would sway, the book would appear to draw closer and closer to the edge of the rail and eventually fall into the black and blue abyss. But Jack knew this was only a trick of his mind, and he continued to examine his newest entry despite the book's movements.

Back and forth, the journal slid.

Back and forth...

Back and forth...

Back and forth...

"Gah!" Jack roared in irritation. His right wing immediately sprung open and swiped the book from the rail, tucking it under his wing and clutched tightly to his side. His heart began to race and he could feel his veins pop in his forehead. In a matter of seconds, his quick burst of irritation turns into anxiety, as Jack began to contemplate what just happened. If he can't handle a book sliding across the railing of a boat, how is he supposed to keep his cool as an official villain?

The sound of the boat's horn broke his train of thought however, the sign that the boat was about to reach the EVIL Headquarters. Quickly, Jack scurried down into the ship's hull and joined with the other members on board. Ponies, griffons, and several other creatures were all jammed into a small storage room, with two small windows on each side of the room. Wanting to get a good view, Jack slithered his way through the crowd to the window. Next to the window stood a massive Earth pony stallion, wiping a large bowie knife with a serrated back-edge with a small cloth. His light blue coat of fur and golden mullet quite drastically contrasted the more darker ponies on board.

Not wanting to seem sketchy, Jack decided to politely greet the stallion.

He said, "Hi, I'm Ja-"

"Fuck off." The stallion brutally interrupted Jack.

"...okay." Jack whimpered as he shrank away. He kept his lips shut for the remained of the ride.

Everything seemed to be the same from when Jack was on deck just a few moments ago. However, that changed when the once skies were quickly blackened out by an ominous black fog coming from the horizon. The waters just below the window Jack was behind instantly turned violent and foamed like a rabid beast. The boat's horn roared twice more and the ponies braced themselves just before the ship began to viciously tilt from side to side, approaching the verge of capsizing. For a moment, Jack's stomach began to quiver in fear and his heart rate spiked once more. But his mind catches up to remind his body: This is all basic procedure.

The ship's horn blared three times, and without any sign, the ship instantly dropped down into the water, as if it was air. The ponies inside shuffled around and some even squealed, including Jack. As the ship sunk deeper and deeper, the surface soon turned into a black haze and everything else in view was water violently churning. Eventually though, the ship slowed in decent and visibility returned to Jack as he stared out the window. They were just above the seafloor, stiff as rock.

For a moment, everything turned quiet save for a few murmurers and pukers that kept the silence at bay. Then, outside the window, a tall black mass approached, quickly revealing itself as it latched onto the ship's side. It was a massive metal claw, having been summoned to transport the vessel. Another claw emerged from the murky distance and bit into the ship. Despite the rather violent treatment, the room Jack and everypony else was in was relatively dry thanks to the reinforced door to the hull. Swiftly, the claws dragged the ship away to their origin. Across the sea floor, into a massive underwater ravine, and through a series of rocky caverns, the ship and claws traveled.

Eventually, after several minutes of being dragged, the claws release the boat and swiftly retreated into separate caverns. Now facing forward, the ship gently glided through a long cavern. Two more, smaller claws emerged from ahead of them and latched onto the sides of the bow before proceeding to pull them deeper into the cave. The walls of the cave transitioned from being made of raw stone to refined steel, the cave's shape rounded out to a perfect circle, and the entire area was now lit with bright lights attached to the ceiling.

As the claws and the ship reached the flat edge of the tunnel, two massive doors slid out from the metal walls and sealed the boat inside. The claws then gently lowered the ship to the ground before water is then drained from the chamber. Small portions of the floor raised and held the ship steady as the claws released and the water sunk below the keel.

The boat's horn blared one final time, the sound of the reinforced door opening rung throughout the chamber, and the ponies inside immediately flooded out onto the deck. Excitement filled Jack as he climbed up the stairs and onto the deck. The ship's gangplank was then lowered down to the curved floor, and everypony silently marched down. The polished walls of the metal tube showed their reflection at every angle as they walked towards the end of the tunnel.

Jack looked over to his side to see the blue Earth pony walking right next to him. The knife the pony was polishing was now holstered in a brown leather belt at his hips. Its metal blade was exposed, and it was staring down Jack, watching his every movement. Nervous, Jack slowly walked away from the stallion and headed into the front of the group.

As the group reached the end of the tunnel, a small door ahead of them opened, and the receptionist stepped out from behind it. She was a small, somewhat stout unicorn with a light coat and an even lighter mane and tail, both wrapped in tight buns. The pack of villains stopped before the mare, with Jack taking special interest in her wide glasses. The mare adjusted her green porter hat and uniform before she pulled out a small clipboard from behind her and examined it.

She then announced to the crowd before her, reading her clipboard, "Greetings villains, welcome to the Enterprise Villainy International League Headquarters, the largest organization of sapient beings who have aligned themselves and assume the roles of professional villainy. I hope you've had a safe trip here. If you are here for the meeting, which takes place at 10:30pm, head to the main theatre. Lavatories are to your left past the gate. Maps of the EVIL can be found every three hundred metres and at all gates. Be sure to check out Wyvern's Tavern for their Wednesday Wasabi Special. Now, is any villain here new?"

Jack's hoof shot up. A deadly silence washed over the area.

Jack looked back. Nopony else was raising their hooves, claws, or anything. Nervous, he turned back around to be met with the judging grimace of the receptionist.

"Don't get your hopes too high kid." She silently mutters to him. "Just by looking at you, you're destined to be just cannon fodder."

He gulped a small pocket of air and slowly nodded.

"Alright then, if there are any questions you may have, seek a Q-And-A staff member. Remember to obey all bylaws and have a wonderful stay."

The surrounding villains collectively thanked the mare as she trotted back behind the door and closed it. The sounds of massive metal locks being released erupted throughout the chamber. The wall before the villains then rose up and folded at the top, revealing the EVIL Headquarters. It was a massive underground supercave, at least seven kilometres wide and half a kilometre tall. Eight main streets stretched out from the centre to the eight gates at the edges of the cave, and along each street lined hundreds of unique buildings, constructed from various materials ranging from wrecked ships, to brick and mortar, to modern steel and concrete, to advanced solid magic. Villains of all shapes, sizes, and species, all walked along the streets and in and out of the buildings in an almost chaotic manner.

Jack was blown at the enormous paradise lying just beyond the gate. He had never seen such a magnificent place in all of his life. The receptionist can be seen at the far right corner of the gate, opening a control panel by pressing buttons on a keyboard and holding her eye up to the screen. With the blaring of an electric buzzer, the barred gates slowly opened and the herd of villains marched inside the EVIL. On the way in, Jack picked up a map from a nearby display stack.

While the others split up and hurried to whatever meetings they had to attend, Jack sat on a small bench on the sidewalk and examined his map. Just as he was about to open it, a wall of flame hurdles right in front of him and burns the paper. He gaze rapidly snaps to the source, an initially unseen dragon wearing glasses.

"Sorry," the dragon deeply apologized. "Allergies."

Name: Wyly
Title: Doctor W.
Level: 2

A hyper-intelligent dragon with an estimated IQ of 220, Doctor W. normally spends his days attempting to create the Singularity, only to be foiled by Hero Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Equestria. I don't like him, he's allergic to everything and is into some strange shows online.

Jack simply rolled his eyes and got another map. Upon reaching the bench, Jack proceeded to open his map, only to find its contents covered in black markings made by some hooligan, with the words "WANG WAS HERE" being the most prominent. Irritated, Jack crushed the map in his hoof, tossed it in the nearby trash bin, and grabbed another.

But before heading to the bench, Jack peaked inside.

No markings.

He looked around the bench.

No allergic dragons in sight.

With a sigh of relief, Jack sat down on the bench and opened the map. After several minutes of scanning the thing top to bottom, Jack found where he needed to go: The Villain Registry, located on-

SPLAT

The entire map was then drenched in a crimson liquid and now had a small meat-like tube drooping on the top. Jack instantly recognized it as blood and a small intestine. Slowly, Jack lowered the map to see a red unicorn stallion standing before him, wearing a black cloak and sporting a greying mane that is combed back in an sinister shape. Below him was a thick ring of fresh blood that stained the road.

Name: Brian High
Title: Doctor Opium
Level: 4

A master of the Infernal Arts, Doctor Opium works as a shrink to tempt ponies into giving him valuables for deeds that will eventually backfire and land the doctor more valuables, including souls that he uses to perform these deeds, kind of like making a deal with a demon. I also don't like him, the way he gets around is through these creepy portals to the "Infernal Realms", and he's too, hammy.

Side Note: I have been seeing quite a few doctors around here...

"Gracious!" Dr. Opium loudly announced. "It appears that my travel through the Infernal Realms has resulted in blood having destroyed your parchment!"

"Yes." Jack coldly replied, having far enough of ponies destroying his peace.

"Forgive me for my lack of foresight!"

"I... forgive you. It was simply a map."

"I shall retrieve you another map then to repay my debt! Stay put upon your wooden stall!"

In the blink of an eye, a map zipped out of the display and right in front of Jack's face, way too close for his comfort.

"Thanks..."

"You are welcome Lord..."

"Jac-"

"-Jack! I must be off now! A certain store closes in ten minutes, and my daughter desires a gift for her sixteenth anniversary of birth. Farewell!"

And with a flick of his cape, the red stallion galloped away down the road. Jack simply rolled his eyes and got up with the map in tow. As he begun to make his way to the registry, something in his mind clicked.

Holy fucking shit! Jack realized. I just talked to a Level 4 villain! The only time I had even seen a Level 4 was when my master teamed up with Robo-Dash, before he dismantled her in bed in a double-cross.

Jack continued to remain in this dumbfounded state until he reached the registry, a short skyscraper on the other side of the EVIL. Stepping inside, another receptionist, dressed in the same clothing as the one at the port, glanced at him from her desk at the other side of the lobby.

Jack cleared his voice and proclaimed, "Jack Ripper, here for the 22 O'clock."

The mare at the other end looked down at her papers and sifted through for his reservation.

"Five minutes early Sir." She replied, lifting the form with a hoof. "Take this time to freshen up in the restroom to your right. When ready, take the door to your left and wait."

"Thank you ma'am."

Quickly, Jack darted into the restroom and splashed his face with water. Seconds were ticking by and if he was ever to become a villain, he needed to be in top condition. He then examined himself in the mirror. His black fur was neatly brushed. His even darker mane and tail were combed straight and free, just the way he liked it. His neon green highlights were well exposed. His dark silver mask was tucked in tight, making his emerald eyes appear to gleam. His lightly spiked boots were secured tight on his hooves. And the final thing, his cape, the cape that was once his master's, is secured around Jack's neck, held in place by a metal clasp at his chest.

Jack couldn't feel any more ready.

Proudly, he marched out of the restroom, around the mare's desk, and through the dual doors right beside her, and into the review room. It was a large pitch black room, with only a hanging lightbulb to reveal a small armchair a few metres in front of Jack. With nervousness suddenly creeping onto his shoulders, Jack slowly walked to the chair and sat on it, facing away from the doors and into the black.

A massive screen at the other end of the room immediately turned on with a static shrill. Jack nearly jumped. As the screen flickered with static, four more screens turned on, with two appearing at each of the first's sides. The five screens then slowly begun to rise and the light above Jack turned off. The static fades only a little, revealing the shadowy silhouettes of five beings, watching over Jack.

"Level 10s..." Jack unconsciously breathed out.

"Jack Seirbigh Ripper." The center being proclaimed. Its voice was heavily distorted and deepened to something beyond what a smoker could ever try to pull off.

"Y-y-yes?"

"Born 17 years ago to unidentified parents, captured by Level 3 villain, Black Sun, at the age of two, and had been working for him for a slave-minion ever since until his death one month ago to Hero Twilight Sparkle."

"Correct sir."

"Magic superbeam to the face," the far-right being added. "Brutal."

The center being continued. "And now, you seek our approval to become a villain, under the name 'Black Dawn'."

"Yes." Jack nodded. "At least a Level 1."

"Are you aware of how the levels work?" The center one questioned.

"I do sir."

"Enlighten us, if you will."

"From the book: 'Each villain of the EVIL is ranked based on their current attributes as a villain. These attributes are covered in several classes, each graded by a score. The higher the overall class score, or OCS, the higher the potential level, the more permission the villain has to commit certain actions as well gains political power in the EVIL. Upon joining, a new villain has one month to fulfill as many requirements needed to reach a desired rank before being judged by Level 10 villains or higher.'"

"Damn..." The near-right being murmurs.

"Do you honestly believe you are even qualified to be at least a Level 1?" The center being asked.

"...Yes." Jack gulped.

"Let's see... Have you passed the Standard Villain's Test with at least a 75%?"

"One hundred, Sir," the far-left being answered.

"Do you have an OCS of at least 50?"

"49, Sir," the near-left villain answered.

"Well, it seems you are unable to become a Level 1 villain, just a Level 0."

Jack was mortified.

One point off?! There had to have been a mistake, Jack thought, I can't go back to being Level 0. It's the shitty minion level where I've always been!

"Give me a rundown on the classes!" Jack proclaimed.

"Well," the near-right being announced, reading a small paper below the screen view, "In Class of Area Destruction: 0... In Class of Scale of Destruction: 0... In Class of Range in Influence: 0... In Class of Infamy: 4, kinda, Black Sun's minions were kinda well known to be strong... In Class of Power: The panel gave you a 5... In Class of Presentation: The panel gave you a 10... And in Class of Material Assets: 30..."

"You can do that math." The near-left being concluded.

"Please," Jack pleaded, "I can do so much for the EVIL, can't I get a single point in presentation?"

"No," the center one retorted, "and quite frankly, why would we even want you? You only got this close thanks to your master having big pockets."

"What?" Jack gasped.

"What he means to say is..." The far-right one clarified, carefully. "What he means to say is that... There are certain assets to you that have been recognized as... unhealthy for our business environment. That being... eh... it is-"

"You are a slave-minion." The center one interjected.

"Well... Yes." The far-right being stuttered, surprised by the abruptness of his partner.

The center villain continued. "Why would we waste our time and resources on a bottom-of-the-barrel ex-slave-minion that once served under a mere Level 3 villain? Why not put that time and those resources on a villain who will actually guarantee some level of success?"

"But-" Jack attempted to speak, but was immediately interrupted.

"Cut it Jack, it's either Level 0, or back onto the streets with you."

We will return to the "The Daily Life of a Villain" after this break...

Pilot 1b - Black Dawn (Part 1)

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Pilot 2a - Black Dawn (Part 2)

Previously, on "The Daily Life of a Villain"...

"Hi, I'm Ja-"
"Fuck off."
"-okay."

"...welcome to the Enterprise Villainy International League Headquarters..."

"Just by looking at you, you're destined to be just cannon fodder."

"Gracious!"

"Cut it Jack, it's either Level 0, or back onto the streets with you."
"Hold it!"

"Surprise, surprise, Black Dawn, you are now a Level 1 villain of the EVIL. At the front desk, you will be given your badge and a pamphlet that will detail the abilities you possess as a Level 1."
"YES!"
"But don't think it's all sunshine and rainbows. We will be watching you very intently, much more than other Level 1 villains. And if we see any sign of you fucking up, let's just say that you're gonna have a bad time."

"Hi, I'm Rainbow Dash."

"Absoluter! Absoluter! Emergency!"

"Level 9... Chainaxemane... CAPTURED!!!"

"Damn, Hero, Princess, Twilight, Motherfucking, Sparkle!"

We now return to "The Daily Life of a Villain"...

"Damn, Hero, Princess, Twilight, Motherfucking, Sparkle!"

"...what?" Aurora cocked her head to the side, confused at Jack's rage.

"She, killed somepony very close to me."

"Really? I've heard a lot about Twilight, but killing isn't one of them."

"Oh, you're talking about the old Twilight. That was ages ago." A villain behind the two spoke out. "After one of her friends was axed off by some rogue villain, she went fucking ballistic. Now she just kills any villain she can find."

The two looked back to see who's talking to them. A fairly large, greenish-teal, pegasus stallion sat behind them. His short, orange and yellow mane and tail were stiff and boards as the stallion examined the two's faces. An eerie sense lingered in Jack as he and the stallion exchanged looks.

Name: Bullit Blaze
Level: 1
Title: One-Eyed Blade

A gang leader in Cloudsdale, I know no other pony that has as big as a drive for sex and violence as he does. Despite his barbaric cover, he is actually pretty clever and sophisticated. However, whenever he drinks, which he does a lot, like, 24/7, he becomes a total asshole, a tolerable one, but still an asshole. I, nor he, would've ever known what would come out from this first encounter.

"Oh," Aurora replied. "I guess I wasn't informed of this turn."

"Figures," The stallion leaded back in his chair. He drew out a small set of scissors from behind and began to pick his teeth with them. "They don't seem to tell us much these days. But don't worry, I can teach you everything I know, and I do mean everything."

Real subtle... Jack remarked in his mind.

"What do you mean by 'they'?"

"Villains!" The Absoluter declared. "Take in arms immediately! Our brethren has been seized by the forces who oppose us! He is located in Canterlot, Equestria."

The theatre burst out into mass organized chaos. Villains prepared themselves and their minions and fled the theatre and the EVIL.

"Can we not?" The teal stallion crudely remarked. "Ol' One-Eyed Blade has some things planned for tomorrow."

"Proclamation Epsilon 1," Jack retorted. "We all got to do something to save this villain. Why would you not want to help?"

"Oh goodie, a bookworm. Are you retarded? What do we low-level villains serve as with all of these big-shots around?"

"...Snipers?"

"Cannon fodder."

Jack's breath was cut short. Cannon fodder, his mind raced, that's what the receptionist called me. Is that what Level 1 villains are called? Is it just another Level 0?

"Oh, come on," Aurora playfully rolled her eyes. "That's silly. The EVIL treats us all equal."

"Uh-huh..." Billet uttered below his breath. "Well, fuck this shit. See-ya losers." With a flick of his wings, Billet fled from the theatre and disappeared into the streets of the EVIL.

"All villains and minions from Level 0-3 still here, listen up!" Pim yelled out over the still-roaring theatre.

Jack and Aurora looked back to the stage.

"Join me in the frontal assault of Canterlot!"

Darkness, darkness surrounded Chainaxemane. Not even his electronic supervision could pierce the void and see where he was, but he still knew, and was just as nervous. He could sense a presence behind the stone pillar tied to his back.

"Berserkersteel Chainaxemane." The presence spoke.

A soft wing rubbed against his steel body. A feminine coo echoed into his ears.

"Princess Sparkle." He replied. Upon speaking, his circuits screamed in virtual pain. A slight moan escaped his speakers.

"Trying to take over Equestria again?"

"Can't blame me for trying... Hehe..."

"You think this is all some sort of game?" The mare's voice tensed up. "Oppression? Fear and Terror? Murdering innocent ponies? You think you're free to do whatever the fuck you want?!"

"Hehe, hahahaha, HAHAHA!!!" Chainaxemane cackled. "Still hurt over the loss of some weakling?"

"She was special to me! And she was murdered in cold blood by one of you!"

"You think your fleshly little mind matters in the cutthroat world we live in? The only thing 'special' about your loved one was that she provided about five minutes of masturbation fuel for my assistant. HAHAHA!"

Out from the shadows emerged Twilight Sparkle, the famed alicorn princess. Fire could be seen in her eyes even to a machine. She violently slapped her prisoner across the face with the back of her hoof.

SLAM

She screamed out, "Did you murder her?!"

"Hehehehe... You think my answer is going to stop this?"

"Did you?! Answer me?!"

"...Either way, you're still going to kill me..."

"..."

SLAM

The white moon loomed over the night sky as every free villain of the EVIL surrounded Canterlot Castle. Civilians crowded the surrounding streets, watching in terror, screaming and cursing at them to go away. Jack, Aurora, and several others looked over their audience on the back of Lord Orangutan.

As the cursing echoed up to the onlookers, Aurora's face turned green. She began to curl into a fetal position. Jack looked over and noticed her shivering.

"Something eating you?" Jack asked.

"...Jack." She replied. "I don't like this."

"Hmm? You mean those civilians down there? They're just scared. Don't let it get too deep."

"Snipers!" Pym's voice roared from below Lord Orangutan. "Do you have visual?"

Hidden in the bushy head of the massive primate, three ponies, each armed with sniper rifles, are examining the castle through the scopes.

"No!" The rightmost sniper, a pudgy yellow stallion, yelled back.

"Sheesh, does he know how long it takes to check an entire castle with only scopes?" The leftmost sniper, a lanky orange stallion, moans.

"I know right. Wait, I think I saw something in the south tower. Nope, just another guard. Why does every window of this place have guards behind them?"

"Have we checked Alpha 6, Beta 9, or Foxtrot 2?" The orange stallion asked, looking down to scan through a map of the castle.

"Are you actually reading the map? Those things are impossible to remember all the codes to."

"Yeah, you're right."

"Guys, focus." The center sniper, a red stallion with an average build, barked. "You know how awesome it'll be when I-we are the ones that finally axe her off?"

"We're doing recon. We aren't axing her off." The right sniper corrected.

"Oh, don't be such a bureaucrat." The center one rolled his eyes. "Just imagine the headlines: 'Legendary Villain Kills Off Hero Twilight Sparkle Via 360 Quickscope'. NO! 'Ultimate Villain Kills Off Hero Princess Twilight Sparkle Via 720 Noscope'!"

"You realize how boned you'd be if you tried that?" The left sniper asked.

The right one chimed in. "Twilight has pretty good aim herself. You're gonna get sniped through the scope if you try that stunt."

"Visual?!" Pym barked.

"No! Please wait!" The right sniper yelled back.

"Watch me." The center sniper sneered. Poking above the bush of hair, he hastily scans the rest of the castle.

"I give him eight seconds." The left sniper declared.

"Four!" The right one challenged.

"You're on."

"Hey! I think I see her at the top of the main tow-!"

BZANG

Blood sprayed over the two snipers and Lord Orangutan's head. The center sniper dropped back down limp, with his rifle's scope in pieces and a hole through his head, right through the eye.

"Dang... that sucks." The left sniper remarked.

"Called it." The right one declared.

"Snipers!" Pym screamed.

"The top of the main tower! Sweet Celestia Fucking Solaris!" The right sniper squealed.

"The tower?" A large, scaly pegasus on Lord Orangutan raised an eye.

"Huh?" Jack turned his gaze from the crowd to the stallion.

Name: Mork Scorch
Level: 6
Title: Count Scorch

If I knew he was a Level 6 villain, I would've pissed myself on the spot. Well, either that or cum. Count Scorch is the King of the Dragon Thestrals and one of the oldest veterans of the EVIL. What ensued between me and him was and forever will be cemented in my memory.

"I don't know." The reptilian stallion scratched at his chin. "Such an impractical place, not like a dungeon. You have to jump through so many hoops in order to pull off a setup like this, from fortifying the doors and walls, to protecting yourself from snipers, to enforcing security. It just doesn't add up. This isn't even her castle, but the far more well known Canterlot Castle. Heck, the princesses that actually live in there actively avoid attacking the EVIL directly. Out of every place you could take a prisoner, she just had to choose... Actually, that's where I'd take my death row prisoners..."

"...Who even are you?"

"Never mind, I believe I know a way to get at least one of us to the top of that tower without being spotted."

"You do?"

"It's better than what's going on at the gate." Jack, Aurora, and the stallion look over the edge of Lord Orangutan to see a massive sea of villains crowded at the front doors of the castle, holding a massive stone pillar above them.

"Heave!" One of the villains below shouted. The stone pillar is slammed into the doors, only to shatter into rubble and the doors to remain stiff. "...Damn it."

"So," The large stallion lifted his hoof up to Jack. "You in?"

Jack examined the hoof. After a brief moment of thought, he nods, "Sure. Let's do this." With a firm grip, the two shake hooves.

"Good. Get to the edge of Lord Orangutan and just stay still."

Jack obeyed the villain's orders and stood at the edge.

"Now what?"

"Turn around."

Jack turned around, facing away from him and Aurora.

"And..."

"And..." The stallion slowly lowered his black horn. It began to glow a vibrant red and vibrated violently. "Wait, one question little guy. What level are you?"

"Uhhh... 2?"

"Oh, okay."

"Wait, why would you want to-" The stallion's horn flashed. A torrent of fire burst from it and into Jack's behind. Squealing in a high pitch tone, Jack in carried from the pillar of fire and into one of the small windows of the castle.

Aurora gasped as silence quickly followed Jack's disappearance into the castle.

A faint voice called out from inside. "I'm okay! I'm okay! These guards around me seem burnt, but I'm good!"

"Oh, he actually survived." The reptilian stallion remarked. He turned to look at Aurora, only to be met with a fierce glare. "What? I wasn't intending to kill him."

"Heave!" The cries of villains roared above the castle as they slam another stone pillar into the doors of the castle. Upon contact with the wooden doors, the pillar bursted into small pieces and rained onto them.

One villain cried out, "Oh come on!"

"We're never gonna break this down!" Another screamed.

"I need to go to the bathroom!" A third one called out.

Cyberdame and Doctor Wyly were quietly standing at the back of the massive mob, watching over the villains' futile attempts to break in.

"Sheesh," Cyberdame groaned. "What does it take to break into a freaking castle?"

"It's not that easy." Wyly remarked. "Based on recon information, our hero can snipe down anything that gets above Lord Orangutan's shoulders, a powerful stealth protection spell appears to have been casted into the castle structure, and guards are at every possible entry point into the castle where the shield isn't so strong, like the windows and such."

"Then where are the shield-busters? Actually, where are most of the higher-level villains?" Cyberdame asked. "The only one I see is Lord Orangutan, and he's just standing there."

"They didn't feel like showing up to help. They mostly just gave a few million bits in 'pity donations' for their part in this rescue. Lord O. over there is 'providing moral support'."

"That's stupid!"

"Well, it's legal."

SPLAT

Blood could be felt splattering onto Wyly's tail, located right next to Cyberdame.

"..." Dr. W hesitated before confronting her. "Uh... Did you just-"

"-No." Cyberdame interrupted him, feeling thick liquid run down her tail. "I was about to ask if you got a paper cut earlier today."

"Fellow villains! I have urgent news for you all!" A familiar voice loudly declared behind the two.

"Ohhh..." The two said in unison before turning around to see their friend surrounding in a ring of blood. "Hey Dr. Opium."

The stallion replied, "Oh yes, hello Wyly. And you as well... gah..."

"..." Cyberdame stayed quiet.

"Err..." Opium rubbed his hooves over his eyebrows. "Confound it! What is your name! You have the bracelet of friendship that was blessed onto you by my daughter!"

"Cyber-"

"Lesley Quinn!!!"

"Can you please call me by my ti-"

"With that matter taken care of, I have a declaration of information to bestow upon all of you that I have obtained within the Infernal Realms! It appears that a barrier, manifested from the art of magic, surrounds the castle!"

"Yeah, we have kno-"

"But that is not the worst of this message! The worst is that this barrier is present in the Infernal Realms! Fellow enactors of villainy! We are dealing with magic that possesses origins that have been declared forbidden!"

"...You done?" Cyberdame raised an eyebrow.

"...Yes."

"Relax Lesley-Cyberdame," Dr. W. caught himself. "You know how much your friend's dad loves to emote in his old speaking style."

"He's your best friend." Cyberdame replied. "Can't you just, convince him not to?"

"Well, we aren't exactly, friend-friends, we just see each other often at the Sub-Guild of Doctors-"

Dr. Opium interrupted Dr. W., "My friends of nerdiness! Do you not understand the true peril we may be facing?!"

"Oh, yeah," Dr. W. nodded, a bit stung from Opium's interruption. "Super-Bad-Magic-Stuff. That's pretty much a Tuesday for the EVIL."

"Regardless! Even as we bear the title of villains, conditions of working is still a matter to attend to! It is a threat to our livelihoods..."

As the two doctors continued their conversation, something began to tickle Cyberdame's ear. The advanced watch on her leg then lit up and produced an electronic hum. She examined the watch, and quickly came to a realization.

"Guys..." She called out for the doctors.

"I told you!" Dr. W. barked at Opium, ignoring Cyberdame. "I did not steal the muffins you brought!"

"Guys." Cyberdame called again.

Dr. Opium retorted, "Those muffins were cooked above the lakes of fire within the Infernal Realms! My very life was put at risk to deliver those pastries to the meeting place! The only way one would obtain them without my detection was if a device of cloaking was implemented! Who is the only villain in the guild that possess such a device?!"

"Guys!" Cyberdame yelled.

"Like, all of them!" Dr. W. snapped. "Do you know how easy it is to make one?"

"Guys! Hey!" Cyberdame shouted. It still didn't get their attention.

"I desire to proclaim a declaration of bullshit unto thy argument!" Opium declared, pointing at Wyly.

"JACKASSES!" Cyberdame screamed. "Listen!"

The two doctors froze in place before turning their attention to Cyberdame.

"It appears that my sensors have detected a unique electromagnetic frequency emanating from Dr. Opium's body. This frequency has been theorized to be the perfect boundary between radio waves and physical magic, but could never be confirmed due to the magic-magnetic field that surrounds the planet interfering with measurements. He must've picked it up due to the lack of such fiends in the... realms he portals through."

"...Meaning?" Dr. Opium asked.

"That means that there is an electronic device inside the castle that is producing physical magic!" Wyly exclaimed.

"Wait," Opium said. "A fusion of the technological arts and the magical arts?! Indeed! Our hero has broken the laws that balance the forces of our universe! She is playing god! I declare, we must stop her!"

"Indeed." Wyly nods. "If I could find what units make up the central processing, I can create a MEM Pulse Cannon that can penetrate the shield and corrupt the device."

Cyberdame quickly replied. "I can mimic the radio waves created by the device and input a Trojan-Guard to look over the programming. There, we can identify what range of units run on the device's programming platform."

"And I shall proceed to bathe once more in the aura this barrier produces in the Infernal Realms to further enhance your studies!" Dr. Opium declared.

His horn glowed a vibrant grey as the ground surrounding the stallion doctor turned red. It quickly liquefied into a small pool of what can be assumed to be blood. Large claws then emerged from the liquid and grabbed Opium, standing on top of the liquid. In one-fell-swoop, the arms dragged Opium into the red pool, leaving no trace of him behind.

The pool faded back into the ground that once was there, leaving a ring of fresh blood in its wake.

After watching Opium disappear before him, Wyly simply remarked, "Do Dr. O's portals always have to leave such a large mess?"

As Jack wandered lost through the dark halls of the castle, his mind was busy thinking of a plan.

What am I supposed to do when I come across Twilight? He thought. I'm a pretty fast flyer, so... that's a plus. Then again, so can she. ...Shit, I'm virtually boned.

"I don't like this..." A voice echoed from the end of the hall Jack was in. "Twilight is taking this too far."

The voice sounded familiar to Jack, like that of a celebrity he's heard on the radio or seen on the TV. Given this is Canterlot Castle, it had to be. Jack quickly became curious. He quietly scurried down the hall and pressed his ear against the wall that separated him and the source of the voice and listened.

"We should go up there and talk to her." The voice continued.

"Sister," another voice replied, sounding concerned. "As much as you, as well as I, are concerned of for Twilight, confronting her is a dangerous idea. We could accidentally trigger a losing war between Equestria and the EVIL."

"What else can we do? We're basically held hostage inside our own castle. Those villains could break in here and kill us at any moment."

"We are prominent political figures, they'll only kill us if it fits their guidelines. If we stand in the same room where the blood of one of theirs spills, then they have every reason to kill us and anypony that gets in their way. We can simply stay down here and let this blow over between her and them, whether she kills her target or not. Going up there will run the risk of triggering Twilight and get us killed."

"Tia, you once held so much faith in Twilight when you took her under your wing. She would never forget what you've done for her. Just talk to her, convince her to let the villain go."

"..."

Jack couldn't believe this. He was virtually right next to the famed alicorn princesses, the first nonetheless, Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. He could barely hold himself back from squeeing.

Luna continued to insist, "You were Twilight's mentor. Trust me. This will work."

"Luna, you know how unstable Twilight is now after what happened to her friend? What if she has forgotten? Just like when..."

"Like?"

"...1000 years ago..."

"..."

"..."

"...Well I'm going."

"Luna! Don't!"

The door right next to Jack swung open, nearly slamming into his face. And out from the door emerged the massive black alicorn known as Luna, with her ethereal mane projecting the night sky onto Jack's awestruck eyes. Luna didn't notice him as she continued forward and headed to Twilight.

Sniffling could then be heard from the other room, held back, but still audible. As much as Jack wanted to comfort the princess, he had a job to do. As Luna entered another door in the hall, Jack followed behind, and continued following her to the tower.

"Huh," Luna spoke to herself. "Where are the guards?"

"Scorch, is Jack going to be okay?" Aurora asked the reptilian stallion to her side.

"It's Count Scorch to you," he replied, fluffing his green mane.

"Is Jack going to be okay?!"

"I have no idea-He's in Canterlot Castle! Two princesses reside here and guards can be found around every corner of this place. Add another that actively kills villains of any level, and Jack might as well be dead at this point."

"You killed him!"

"I did not. I merely sent him into the castle. He wanted to do it. It's like helping somepony commit suicide."

"..."

Aurora lightly punched Scorch in his shoulder, knocking him back a few inches.

"Madam, I have no other means of defending my circumstance. Surely a pretty mare like yourself would understand."

"Bah..." Aurora breathed deeply, returning her gaze to the shattered window. "Poor Jack, he must be scared out of his life in there..."

"This is the greatest day ever!" Jack quietly squeed as he followed Luna up the stairs of the main tower. "I'm about to save a Level 9 villain from the clutches of my arch-nemesis alongside the most famous ex-villain known! Nightmare Moon was ranked as a Level 4, sure, but she was terrifying!"

"Twilight Sparkle!" Luna declared, having stopped at the top of the stairs and before the open door to where Twilight and Chainaxeman were.

Twilight's voice could be heard talking back in an almost bitter tone, "Oh, Princess Luna, it's you again."

"Twilight, this has gone too far," Luna stomped her hoof down. "Remember the teachings Celestia has given you, the teachings of mercy, even to your enemies."

"Did they show mercy when she died? Why do they deserve it?"

"They are not all the same as the one who killed her. Please, listen-"

"No, how about you listen? You know what you sound like? You sound like a villain, a villain! 'Oh no, defend the bad pony. Sure, he dedicates his life to screwing over others, but there might be some good in him. Blah-blah-blah, bullshit-bullshit-bullshit!'" Twilight mocked her.

Luna's breathing built up in speed and power. Jack knew she was getting annoyed really quickly. Luna walked into the room, and Jack sneaked up to the door and poked his head out from the corner to get a good look.

The room on the other side was a large observatory, with stone pillars were the only things separating the dome roof to the tiled floor. Mirrors were set onto the pillars and angled slightly downwards, giving anypony inside a 360 degree view of their surroundings just outside the castle. Three ponies were inside the room, Princess Luna, Twilight Sparkle, and her victim tied to one of the pillar bases, Berserkersteel Chainaxemane.

Jack's eyes soon locked onto Chainaxemane, and he couldn't help but to let his jaw drop to the floor.

Name: Berserkersteel Chainaxemane
Level: 9
Title: Motherfucking Berserkersteel Chainaxemane

The coolest villain ever! I mean, look at him! He's a Mecha-Alicorn made of black awesomium (Yes, that is a real element), who breathes black fire, has super strength, shoots lasers from his eyes, vomits miniature shark missiles, and has the best selection of heavy metal music in his head that he can blare out at any second! Sure, he's tied to a pillar with his own metal and getting the shit slapped out of him, but who cares! He's so fucking cool!

"Oh really?" Luna calmly retorted. "I seem to recall some of your closest friends having once dedicating themselves to such activities; Discord, Starlight Glimmer, Trixie, Sunset Shimmer, and many others. You dare to spew such hypocrisy from your mouth, with your only form of defense being the loss of a loved one?"

"I... I... I don't care!"

Luna slowly approached Twilight, drawing herself within metres of her and the villain.

"Is this how a princess behaves? Is this how a hero enacts justice? Is this even how an innocent mind thinks?! Twilight! Please! You are becoming what you hate!" Luna began to tear up as she continued. "This is not you! You are better than this! Remember when you were still Celestia's student?"

Twilight immediately cried, "Shut up!"

Without a second thought, Twilight whipped her body around and bucked her hind hooves into Luna's chest. The force launched her against the wall next to the door. Slowly, Luna slumped down to the floor. She clutched her chest with her hoof as groans escaped from her throat.

Name: Twilight Sparkle
Estimated Level: 7
Title: Princess of Friendship

TROUBLE

Twilight was lost for words. As she looked over the fallen princess, her small hooves slowly creeped up to her cheeks. However, Twilight forced them back down to the floor. She turned her back to Luna and slowly approached Berserkersteel. Despite having a singular robotic face, Jack and Twilight could see that he was terrified.

"What type of living organism are you?" He muttered.

"She got in the way," Twilight coldly declared. "If I didn't know any better, I would've thought she as well was still a villain, and killed her on the spot. You on the other hoof, are just as dead as the metal you were made from. Nothing is going to stop me now."

Slowly, Twilight lowered her horn to the robotic stallion's head. It began to glow a vibrant lavender, before turning into a furious magenta. The red lights on Berserkersteel's face faded into darkness. The observatory cried with the squeals of magic compressing into her horn. Twilight is about to fire.

"Hold it right there!" A stallion's voice brutally declared behind her.

Twilight remained stiff as stone. But slowly, the glow of her horn faded away. The wailing of magic turned faint. Taking as few steps as possible, Twilight turned to look over her shoulder, and see Jack Ripper, standing only a metre her.

"Who are you?" She asked.

"..." Jack stayed quiet.

He hadn't really planned what to say after "hold it right there".

"I," he began. Nervousness was already leaping into his voice.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! Jack's mind raced. I'm so fucked! She's gonna kill me! It hasn't even been a day! Why did I sign up for this shit?! No-no-no, just keep calm and carry on. Yeah... Just, imitate Black Sun. I am his legacy after all!

"...You are?" Twilight asked, immediately becoming impatient.

Channeling his old master's words, Jack proudly proclaimed to her, "I am Black Dawn! I am your worst nightmare! I am the newest villain on the block! I have come to rescue my ally from the clutches of darkness-light! I meant light. I am the arrows that blot out the sun! I am the scales of injustice! I am the conductor of the choir of... death! I am the one that runs from both the living and the... dead, yeah! I am... I AM the one who grabs the sun! I am... I... uh... I am the shadow that hides from even the shadows!"

"...You done now?"

"I'm fucked." Berserkersteel moaned. "If this is what the EVIL calls a rescue mission, I pray to whatever gods you worship I at least get buried in a shark that shoots laser beams."

Twilight swiftly turned around and aimed her horn right between Jack's eyes. Light flashed into his eyes. The roar of magic pierced his ears. His bowels almost emptied themselves.

She spoke, "As I said, nothing is going to stop me now."

We will return to the "The Daily Life of a Villain" after this break...

Author's Note

Yeah, in this slightly altered continuity, Twilight's nuts. Or well, now a full-on hero with a few mental issues, like Batman.

Pilot 2b - Black Dawn (Part 2)

We now return to "The Daily Life of a Villain"...

"As I said, nothing is going to stop me now."

Jack's body froze in place. His eyes sealed themselves tight together. He awaited his fate at the tip of Twilight's horn.

Superbeam to the face, the same way Black Sun, his master, died.

BOOSH

The floor behind Twilight's hooves burst from below and launched into the air. The floor then immediately crashed into the ceiling and stuck there, crushing Twilight inside.

Silence enveloped the room. Jack's ears perked up upon hearing the gentle whooshing of the wind. He slowly opened his eyes and instantly took in the sights before him.

"What the fuck..." Jack uttered below his breath. Looking up, he saw Twilight's tail sticking out from the ceiling. Looking down into the hole, Jack saw Aurora, looking back up at him.

"Jack!" She yelled to him. "Are you okay?"

"First off, titles." Jack replied. "I'm Black Dawn, you're Aria of Doves!"

"Sorry."

"Second off... What the fuck was that?!" Jack screamed.

"Is Berserkersteel okay?"

"What, oh, he's fine. But-NO! How did you do that? Actually, how did you even get in here? Where are the other villains?"

"Is this really the best time for questions? Just get Berserkersteel and let's get out of-"

THUD

In the blink of an eye, Jack's view of Aurora was gone, instead replaced with the floor from the ceiling, back to where it was. Slowly, his eyes moved up to meet the fiery glare of Twilight, standing right in front of him.

"...Hi..." Jack said with a nervous laugh.

"..." Twilight growled from her throat.

"So, that was a quick recovery."

"..."

"So, what's the deal with airline foo-" Twilight grabbed Jack by the throat with her hoof and slowly lifted him up. Gagging, Jack struggled to relieve himself, but it was no use. Her grip was iron, and fire in her eyes was more furious than before. "Re-reconsider!"

"Tell the King of Tartarus I'm coming for him next."

SPLAT

A wave of fresh blood poured over Twilight. Grossed out, Twilight dropped Jack and clambered to the other end of the observatory.

"Ew! Ew! Ew!" She squealed. "What is this?!"

"Tis the semi-corporeal substances of the souls that forever remain tortured in the Infernal Realms!" A voice loudly declared from the center of what is now a ring of blood and organs. Jack and Twilight looked over to see Dr. Opium, proudly standing with a strong look on his face.

"Dr. Opium!" Jack cheered.

"Young lord!" Opium commanded Jack. "The barrier that encases this fortress has shattered within the Infernal Realms! I will see to it that the Level 9 villain is safely escorted through the Infernal Realms and taken to the EVIL headquarters! Cyberdame and Doctor W. will be here shortly to obtain you!"

"Wait, can't you escort me through the-"

"No! The eyes of an innocent pony like yourself should never take sight to the Infernal Realms!"

"What am I supposed to with Twilight then?"

"...You'll figure it out. Ta-ta!"

Dr. Opium then quickly ran up to Berserkersteel and ignited his horn. Another portal formed below the two. Claws emerged from the new portal once more and dragged the two through the portal, taking the pillar with them.

Twilight eventually recovered from the shock and locked her sights onto Jack.

"Get over here!" She roared.

"Nope!" Jack retorted and instantly charged for the door. Twilight quickly followed in pursuit, and the two dashed down the tower.

As Jack was running down the stairs, Aurora burst down from the ceiling and joined Jack. Stone and debris pelt Twilight, giving the two villains a lead.

"Berserkersteel's being taken to the EVIL as we speak." Jack informed Aurora. "Our mission is over."

"Doesn't look like it!" Aurora exclaimed, looking back and seeing Twilight gaining on her and Jack.

"Alright, I know this is really inappropriate to ask now, but I need to know-"

"I am single if that's what you're asking. No, I am not open to dating as of now."

"No, not that. How did you blow up the floor in the observatory?"

"Back to that?"

"You're an Earth pony and you just blew up a floor several metres above you, it is a very reasonable question. Why are you avoiding the question?"

"Look out!" The stairs above the two exploded, launching stones at the two. Aurora leaped onto Jack's head, causing him to duck and the two barely missed the debris.

"Gah! I can't see! Your hoof's in my face! At least, I hope that's your hoof..."

"Just keep running!" Aurora climbed up onto Jack's back and clutches tightly to his mane. Another section of the above stairs was blasted apart by Twilight's magic. "Left!"

Quickly reacting, Aurora pulled Jack's mane to the left, veering him to the left and around the collapse.

"Ow!" Jack squealed.

"Sorry, but deal with it! Right!"

"For fuck's sake-OW!"

The castle vibrated violently as Cyberdame and Wyly walked down the long halls of the castle. They were lost, and the lack of light didn't help their condition.

"So, who'd win in a fight? Hero Sunset Shimmer or Hero Starlight Glimmer?" Wyly asked his partner, continuing their conversation.

"Starlight Glimmer, of course." Cyberdame answered.

"What? Sunset could turn into a demon and kick her ass."

"Starlight can travel through time."

"So what? It's not like she can do anything. Time is written in stone. If Sunset beats her up, she beats her up."

"Time isn't written in stone."

"What is it?"

"It's a big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff."

"That's horse-shit."

"Why are you arguing with somepony fourteen years younger than you?"

"I'm bored."

"There would be more villains in here besides us and Dr. Opium if your shield disruptor lasted more than five seconds."

"It would've if it had a better matching frequency, one that your virus should've picked up instead of being caught."

"How was I supposed to know Twilight had an anti-virus program put into a shield disperser that would be too risqué for even the EVIL black market?"

"Whatever. Let's just find the dispenser and destroy it. If it's now too unstable to work in the 'Infernal Realms', just imagine how easy it will be up close and personal."

"Stop right there, criminal scum!" A guard yelled at them down the hall.

He is quickly joined by three others, each armed with a spear and shield.

Cyberdame and Dr. W. posed into combat stances and awaited them to make the first move.

"Do you know martial arts?" Dr. W. whispered to his partner.

"No, you?" Cyberdame replied.

"No."

The front guard then charged at them alone. Wyly immediately squealed and curled into a standing ball. Cyberdame stayed firm. She raised a hoof into the air. The guard quickly reached Cyberdame and raised his spear. Cyberdame swung downwards below the guard.

POW

With Cyberdame's clenched hoof smashed into the groin of the guard, a small moan could be heard echoing across the hall. The guard soon collapsed onto the floor, moaning as he held onto his crotch.

Cyberdame turned the guard onto his back and examined his clenched face. Slowly, she slid her hoof down his chest, causing the guard's eyes to burst open. Her eyes lit up upon seeing them.

"Holy shit!" She exclaimed. "He's tripping balls."

"What?" Wyly replied, uncurling from his defensive position. He looked over Cyberdame's shoulder, seeing the guard's eyes changing colours. "That's not tripping balls. That's mind control."

"Mind control?"

"Mind control. Dr. Opium showed me this parlor trick where he made a stallion do the same thing with a small light, a red cloth, and a gram of gunpowder. Poor guy was made to drink his own piss and everything. Next morning, boom, forgot everything."

"Forget everything..." The guard moaned.

"See?" Wyly pointed out. "Absolutely wasted."

"Charge!" The three other guards screamed. The trio stampeded down the hall after the two.

"Incoming!" Cyberdame exclaimed.

"Relax," Wyly shooed her. "The good old doctor also taught me how to break the control."

The three guards were only seconds away from stabbing the two villains.

Dr. W. stepped forward and proclaimed, "Hey! Your fly is open!"

"What?!" The trio exclaimed, instantly grinding to a stop. Cyberdame watches in awe as their eyes return to normal after several blinks.

"The only thing that can break outside influence; self-awareness," Wyly explained.

"What happened?" The guards collectively groaned.

"Wait," Cyberdame added. "If this is Twilight's work, did she knock these guys up with the mind control trick? I know she's an insane bitch, but she isn't an idiot or a downright enemy of the other princess. Why would she even hold the Level 9 villain here when, if I recall correctly, she had her own castle? Actually, regarding the shield device, where'd she even get one if they're so illegal?"

"It would appear this is not just Twilight's work." Wyly remarked.

"A third party?"

"AHH!!!" A pair of voices shilled down the dark hall.

"What was that?" Wyly asked.

The sounds of explosions and and crumbling stone echo throughout the room. A bright light flashed from around the corner.

"...We should go-"

Jack and Aurora smashed through the wall and dashed towards the guards, Cyberdame, and Dr. Wyly.

"Jack?!" Cyberdame asked.

"Run!" Jack yelled back as he and Aurora darted around the five and continued down the hall.

"What?"

"Get back here!" A voice screamed from the hole in the wall. Another figure burst out from the wall next to the first hole. It was Twilight, radiating in a powerful magic aura. Her mad glare snapped to Cyberdame and Wyly.

"RUN!" The two screamed.

Back on Lord Orangutan's head, the two snipers are tracking the events going on in the castle halls through the windows.

"Holy crap," the left one remarked. "Now there's four of them!"

"Four?!" The right sniper asked. "How do these villains get in when we can't even break down a door?"

"No idea, but whatever they are doing, it's working. Well, not 'working', more 'staying alive'."

An explosion went off in one of the windowed rooms, tearing down several walls in the process and revealing more of the interior. The two then noticed a large spherical device at the back of the castle, emitting both magical and electrical sparks.

"You see that?"

"Yeah. Looks like a shield projector, probably magic."

"Isn't that kind of thing illegal?"

"Does it matter when you're already planning on murdering a Level 9 villain?"

"I guess not. Wanna take the shot?"

"Sure, what's the worst that can happen?"

"Don't tempt fate bro."

"It isn't tempting fate, it's a positive outlook."

"What?"

"Alright, so I ask, 'What's the worst that can happen?'. You shortsightedly reply, 'We could die.' Now, since it is apparently the 'worst', chances of it happening are substantially low. Therefore, chances are in our favour that whatever happens next will not be as bad as us dying."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, just take the shot."

"Fine..."

With a quick steadying of his rifle, the sniper fired a bullet at the device. The bullet pierced through the glass, through the magic barrier, and hits the device right in the middle. The machine sputtered for a second before exploding in a small fireball.

The barrier that once protected the castle revealed itself before shattering into millions of bits of magic dust.

"Holy crap..." The right sniper's jaw dropped.

"Hey guys!" The left one screamed. "Try one more time, this is it!"

"Didn't you two hear?" One of the villains yelled back. "Hydroon called, apparently Berserkersteel was returned to HQ. We no longer have any business here."

"Oh, I guess we didn't see that. What do we do about the four villains inside?"

"Wait, there are villains inside?"

"Yeah."

"They're low-level villains," Count Scorch responded. "We always lose a few during rescue missions. It's no use wasting our time with them. If they are worth more than their number, they'll be fine."

"...Okay, I guess take makes sense. Not really."

"Wait!" The right sniper exclaimed.

"What?!" His partner asked.

"There's another one!"

"Another one?!"

"Yeah. How are these guys sneaking into the castle without us knowing?!"

"Where is the villain?"

"He's on the base floor. The others and Twilight are approaching him fast."

"Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, NOPE!" Wyly chanted as he, Jack, Aurora, and Cyberdame are fleeing down the foyer stairs away from Twilight. As they reach the bottom, a beam of magic barely scaved Aurora by the ear.

"Agh!" She screamed.

Jack quickly asked, "Are you okay?!"

"I'm fine."

"Not for long!" Twilight screamed from behind.

"We're almost at door!" Cyberdame exclaimed.

Just as they entered reaching distance of the front door of the castle, Twilight fired a bolt above them, collapsing the ceiling in between them and the door.

"Never mind!" Cyberdame said.

The four turned around to see Twilight flying right at them, charging another magic attack. They immediately scattered to the right, screaming at the top of their lungs. One by one, they bolted through one of the side doors into the kitchen, with Jack at the lead. Jack tripped over a rolling pin on the floor. The others quickly followed as they all collapsed into an unmovable pile.

"We're fucked!" Wyly cried.

As Twilight soared into the room, her horn immediately locked onto the pile of ponies and dragon. She squinted an eye. She began to pull the mental trigger.

BWONG

Twilight's vision immediately turned gold before turning black. With a loud thud, Twilight fell onto the floor, knocked out.

"...Are we dead?" Jack asked, forced to be facing away from the door.

"Celestia Solaris, can not one of you take care of a fucking princess?" A familiar stallion's voice chastised the four.

"Wait... I think recognize that voice." Jack remarked. He strained his neck to look around the pile and saw he was right. The greenish villain from the theatre was right there next to Twilight's body, holding a golden cookie tray in hoof. "It is you! I thought you said that you weren't interesting in helping in the rescue."

"I wasn't. I just came here for the free shit while the princesses and you guys were measuring dicks. Do you see this tray? Solid gold. Everything is gold. Guess how much golden silverware is on me?"

"A lo-"

"No, wait, goldware! Yeah! Ha, ha, ha," The stallion weakly chuckled, "he, he, he... I'm sorry, that pun was worth it though. Shut up."

"Can you help untangle us?" Aurora asked.

"Fine." The stallion agreed.

"Thank you, um... What was your name again?"

"Bullit."

"Is that your real name or..."

"Look, I don't do the whole title thing. I only made one up to keep the bureaucrats' panties from twisting. Speaking of bureaucrats, the EVIL just left, looks like they got that Level 9 villain or whatever. I'm looking out of the window right now, they are just marching back."

"We should catch up!" Wyly demanded. "The EVIL is going to throw a returning party, and I want to be first in line for the good stuff they're offering."

Bullit rolled his eyes. "Alright. Hey, is it cool if I, you know, help myself to Twilight while she's out or..."

"Could you not?" Cyberdame hissed, being slowly crushed below Dr. Wyly.

"What? You don't swing like that?" Bullit asked.

Wyly called out, "Can you at least help us out first? This mare is getting too close to my private sectors."

"...Fine."

"Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots!" A constant chant roared throughout the bar. Villains left and right were chugging down barrel-loads of beer and surrounded by their fellow minions or villains. Drunken slurs and smoke-filled coughs became the language of the returning party.

At the corner of the bar, Dr. Wyly was huffing down a small mountain of mixed drugs next to Dr. Opium, who is lightly indulging himself with a miniature bong. Cyberdame was standing at the wall and overlooking the party with a glass of water in hoof.

At the main counter of the bar, Jack quietly watched over the party, taking in the insane atmosphere. A mug slid across the bar and into's Jack leg on the counter. His glance turned to it. It was bubbling to the brim with beer. His eyes traveled up to see the barmaid who gave it to him, who simply winked in response.

After taking another look at his surroundings, Jack decided to take up the offer. But as his hoof reached the mug, another hoof swooped in and snatched up the mug. Jack turned to see the stallion who stole it, Bullit Blaze, half asleep on the counter.

"Fuck you, I deserve it..." Bullit drunkenly slurred. "After untangling you asses, the guards just had to stop jerking each other off and chase us out. I wanted that puss, you fuckin' asshole."

Jack rolled his eyes in self-humour.

After spewing some non-sequiturs and drinking down the entire mug, Bullit collected himself and continued, "Don't let that last bit dig deep in ya'. I'm just pissed off. Hopefully I'll hangover and forget..."

With that said, Bullit's head slammed onto the table and his limp body slumped onto the floor. Drunken snoring could quickly be heard from his body.

Feeling that this would be a great time to write in his memoirs, Jack grabbed his journal from beneath his cape, turned it to a fresh page, pulled out the pen tied to the cover, and began to write.

Every great pony's story always begins in the most unusual of ways. Shortly after becoming a villain of the EVIL, I was brought into the rescue of a Level 9 villain, Berserkersteel Chainaxemane, from the clutches of my master's killer, Hero Twilight Sparkle. With some help from, who I consider, friends, we did it. Now, as I am writing this, the EVIL is celebrating the return of one of its key members, and may shortly award those who have saved him.

"What's that?" Aurora asked, revealing herself from behind Jack's hunched shoulders.

"Oh," Jack stuttered. "My, uh, memoirs."

"Oh, that's neat."

"Lord Jack!" Dr. Opium called out to him. He was dragging the semi-unconscious body of Dr. W. towards him and Aurora. "Do you possess a means in which to ail this dragon of his black-sight?!"

"Sorry." Jack shrugged. "Side note; it's 'black-out', not 'black-sight'."

"Very well then!" Opium declared. "Hey, we made a pretty good team today, didn't we?"

"I... guess we did." Jack nodded.

"Perhaps we can do this more often, to formulate a team-up and perform acts of villainy upon the masses!"

"Sounds fucking awesome!" Wyly screamed, coked out of his mind.

"I like that idea." Aurora added.

"I guess I can tag along for a few of these group missions." Cyberdame said, now at Jack's other shoulder.

Jack found himself surrounded by villains, all eager to be his friends and team-up. This was not what he expected at all for his first day. Overcome with joy, Jack began to nod his head frantically, unable to say a word.

"Hey, BC!" One of the other villains yelled out. "Who got you out of the castle?"

"Myself, of course!" The robotic voice of Chainaxemane roared throughout the building. "I just let her capture me for shits and giggles, and a bit of banter of course! Heck, I even rescued a few villains that were trapped inside. HAHAHAHAHA!"

Actually, fuck it. This day was a total bomb. A few badass moments in between, but for the most part, utter piss in the face. Black Dawn, signing out.

Pilot - Black Dawn

Writer

Mario Hyulia

Cast

Jack Ripper - Mario Hyrulia
Aurora - Mario Hyrulia
Bullit - Haphazred
Dr. Opium - Mario Hyrulia
Dr. W. - Mario Hyrulia
Cyberdame - Mario Hyrulia
Venus Treaser - Mario Hyrulia
Robo-Dash - Mario Hyrulia
Berserkersteel Chainaxemane - Decanus_Alexus
Count Scorch - Atlantis Productions
Twilight Sparkle - Hasbro

My Little Pony, its characters, settings, and content, are all owned by Hasbro. All participants who contributed in either character creation or writing are to be credited for their part.

"Absoluter,"

"Paladin,"

"Something has come up in the rescue of Berserkersteel."

"What?"

"The mare has recently revealed her powers to the stallion, but it would appear that neither he, or anypony knows of her power."

"She has been showing signs that she is aware of these powers. Could her memories-"

"More than likely."

"And the stallion?"

"He doesn't know anything yet. Ms. Treaser will keep that in check."

"Is this secrecy really needed? If they just knew their powers, they could make defending themselves a lot easier."

"All the more important to keep them clueless. If they reveal their true capabilities to everypony, they become targets for the bigwigs, both ours and theirs. They'll throw rocks at them, only to be given boulders in return. They will of course escalate, forcing needless lives onto the battlefield and into the slaughter."

"I see. Very well then."

"On a final note; It would appear that Twilight is not alone."

"Could it be?"

"I've seen it myself, Absoluter. It is them."

"..."

"..."

"Paladin, are you sure this will work?"

"I have no doubt about it."

"Your abilities of analysis always amused me."

"Then why do you dirty our names?"

"And you don't? That mask you parade yourself in will only last for so long before the world discovers the secret."

"At least by then, a new generation will take our place."

"Then how about we start early? Let us begin our first mission..."

Author's Note

Well, those were the pilot episodes. I hope you enjoyed them. If you didn't, that's fine.

This isn't really the start per se, rather a concept. The first episode is really when this show "takes off".

If you want to contribute in either writing, character creation, or something to make the show better, sign a form given to you in the description.