The day was lively as it always was in the town of Ponyville; birds chirping, Ponies browsing the various shops, and the weekly demon monster thing. But we disregard all of this, because it isn’t important. No, I will tell the tale of Pinkie Pie’s discovery that changed the fate of Equestria itself! So round up the children, put rum in the coffee, and get ready to be bedazzled.
Pinkie bounced along cheerily, despite all the chaos and havoc the demon monster thing was bringing to Ponyville, because she was used to this. Twilight would use some witchcraft that’s probably illegal, the demon would either die, run away, or some other unspeakable thing, and everyone would be happy. But that has nothing to do with the story. Instead of helping anyone, Pinkie was off to go pranking ponies in Cloudsdale with Rainbow Dash. And you may say, “Hey but Pinkie’s an earth pony she can’t go up there!” Don’t question my logic.
When Pinkie arrived at Dash’s house, Derpy was there as well.
“You ship to Cloudsdale too, right?”
“We do, but it’s an extra 40 bits. And that’s on top our regular fee, and also late charges from your last delivery, and there’s the fee of everyone hating your guts, so your total is… 3573 bits.”
“Fair enough,” Dash said as she handed over the deed to her house, and her letter addressed to her parents. “Have a nice day!”
Pinkie waited until Derpy left, and greeted Rainbow Dash.
“Oh hey Pinkie! What’s up?”
“You ready to go pranking?”
“Oh yeah! I forgot! It’s a shame, I just handed over the deed to my house to have a letter sent to Cloudsdale, and were going there now!”
“Yeah, you’re pretty stupid! What was in there anyway?”
“My parents gave me 300 bits last month to go on vacation to Las Pegasus, and after three hours, I lost all my money, so this pony in a black overcoat and a scraggly mane gave me a bag of this white stuff called “ant tracks,” and he said it would be a great souvenir.”
“I remembered I didn’t care halfway through, but cool story!”
They are now in Cloudsdale.
Most of the pranks they pulled involved putting potions they stole by force from Zecora, and the effects included but are not limited to, sore throat, butthole exploding, visible farts, and spontaneous wingboners.
After nearly three hours of watching ponies whine and cry in misery, the two went to get lunch.
“Man, did you see the look on that fat dudes face when he couldn’t get his tiny little wings down?” Pinkie said.
“And how he started crying when all of the mares started laughing at him?”
“That’s humor you can’t pay for right there.”
They discussed many more of their cruel acts that took the disguise of humor, and people started listening in, and they laughed to. Soon, the two of them were preaching to a crowd of assholes about doing asshole things to less superior ponies.
“And then he said, ‘Those aren’t my balls!” Rainbow finished.
The crowd started laughing uncontrollably, and started to somewhat disperse, and try some of the things Pinkie and Rainbow talked about.
“Hey Rainbow, you know what got on my mind for no apparent reason, you know, like a sudden realization?” Pinkie managed to say inbetween laughs.
“What?”
“What’s outside of Equestria? I mean, we never learned about it in school, Celestia has never mentioned it, and nopony ever talks about it.”
Rainbow was struck by silence and a shocked face, and just stared at Pinkie, as did the remainder of the crowd they had.
“W-what?” Pinkie said, confused.
“Nopony talks about that for a reason, Pinkie. Celestia has agents everywhere. They hear you talk about it, you’re never seen again. C’mon, lets just go back to Ponyville. I need to convince Rarity to let me stay at her place. The cakes wont let me even come into your place anymore, after the knife incident.”
Little did they know, there were two ponies in black suits following them, and as they turned the corner, the black suited stallions took a rag and put it over Pinkie’s face, and drug her away.
“Hey Pinkie, what sort of wine do you think Rarity likes? Pinkie?” Rainbow turned around to see her friend gone. “Oh god, I’m next!” She screamed, and threw herself off of Cloudsdale, and didn’t bother to use her wings.
When Pinkie woke up, she was in a dark room, crudely bound to a metal table with duct tape.
“Oh, god! Please say this isn’t going to where I think it is!” she yelled.
“Oh it’s going exactly where you think its going…” said Celestia as she walked into the room.
“Oh no! Please say its not…”
“Brutal interrogation!”
“No! I knew it!” Pinkie said, on the verge of crying.
“So… Pinkie, Pinkie, Pinkie… now why did you have to go and screw up like this? You were one of my favorite inferiors… but obviously you have to stick your nose where it doesn’t belong. Now tell me, who planted the idea of questioning the all powerful government into your head?” Celestia questioned.
“I-it was just a sudden realization! I swear!”
“Do you know how many liars I’ve dealt with in my eternal life?” Celestia said, agitated. “Let me show you something…”
She put on a slideshow of some of the past events of her life.
“This is me at the founding of Canterlot, DO YOU SEE?”
“Oh god, oh god, oh god…” Pinkie said under her breath.
“This is me goofing off at a meeting in Trottingham, DO YOU SEE?”
Pinkie started crying more heavily.
“This is me sightseeing in Fillydelphia, DO YOU SEE?”
“Please, please let me go!”
“And this, is me at one of the pubs in Maresborough, DO YOU SEE?”
“W-why are you doing this?”
Celestia frowned at the pitiful sight of the pink mare. “We both know. Now do you feel like telling me who planted the seed in your head that led to this, or shall I tell you what actually happened the night your father died in that fire?”
“I told you, it just popped in my head, honest!” Pinkie said franticly.
“I really don’t like liars, Pinkie Pie.”
“I’m not lying!”
“Maybe the story of your father’s death will get the truth out of you!”
“No, please, I can’t handle the truth!”
“You know what really happened that night in the fire, Pinkie?”
“Please, no!”
“He burned to death!”
“Oh god, I knew it!”
“And do you want to know WHY he burned to death?”
“Stop, please!”
“Because he never changed the batteries on his smoke detectors!”
“I can’t handle it, I can’t, Please, just stop!”
Celestia smirked, and said, “Look at you. You little useless creature. Maybe later you’ll feel like talking. I can’t stand the sight of you anymore.” Celestia left the room, and Pinkie was bound there, helpless, and pitiful. But she had a plan, Pinkie always had a plan.
Celestia came into the room the next day, and the pink mare looked the same as she had the day before.
“How is my least favorite pony of the day? Do you feel like talking yet?”
“I’ve had time to think… and I’ll tell you, but only if you tell me the truth, seeing as I’ll die either way.”
“Deal. Now who the hell told you?”
“Applejack. She knew all along, and tried to spread the truth through the secrecy of her basement!”
Celestia turned around and whispered to herself, ‘Damn Mormon, I should’ve known…’
“Now, how about my end of the deal?”
“Fair enough. You see, you have never heard of any lands outside of Equestria, because there is no land other than Equestria! You see, due to my eternal life, I have come to see that every night, before my “sister” Luna was around, everything disappeared. I know this, because every time I would wake up, something would be different. Sometimes it was as measly as a missing quill, or statue turned slightly. Other times, I would have a different servant, or my entire court would be completely different. So, I kept a journal of every day, with pictures, and signatures from ponies of high rank. As this changed every day, I started developing magic that would prevent this from happening. It worked to an extent, but the drawback was that I had to be awake as the spell was preformed. This is where Luna comes into the picture. I developed a false entity with some of my own powers put into it, and only slept during the day, so that it could perform the spell I developed. I claimed she was my sister that had returned from a very long trip, and any Ponies that questioned it had the same fate as you. This worked for a very long time, until she started thinking for herself. She wanted to make night eternal not just to be supreme, but to stop the lies that I told. Before she got the chance, I sent her to the “moon,” another one of my clever creations, and sub consciously performed the spell there. 1000 years later, when you and your 5 little pests of friends stopped her with the elements of harmony, you didn’t remove the evil from her, you were putting it back in. The same goes for discord, who was actually showing the world as how it was before I fixed things. By stopping him, you made the lie so much easier to tell. And now, here we are! Your death awaits, and I need not worry! Anyway, good riddance!”
After Celestia left the room, Pinkie grinned.
“The same goes for you princess…”
When the time of execution came around, Celestia had her executioner beside her as she opened the door, only to find Pinkie gone!
“WHAT? HOW DID SHE ESCAPE?” She bellowed loud enough for all of Canterlot to hear. “GET ME THE SECURITY CAMERA GUY!” she yelled to one of her gaurds.
Minutes later, a scared, small, brown earth pony was brought to Celestia.
“HOW DID THE PINK ONE ESCAPE AND WHY DID YOU NOT SOUND THE ALARM?”
“S-she seduced the guard, ma’am! I was to horrified to do anything!”
“THERE WAS NO GUARD, IT WAS A 5 INCH THICK STEEL DOOR!”
“I know!”
Celestia sighed, and said, “Make guards, agents, and spies in every cities aware of this escape. We have a runner.”
