Twimustachia (a.k.a. f'naaaaaaaaaaaaaa manchu)
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Twimustachia (a.k.a. f'naaaaaaaaaaaaaa manchu)
"And so..." Twilight sipped from a saucer of tomato soup. "...that's how I learned that human females do not defecate while standing up." Another sip. "Or in public, for that matter."
"How very fascinating, my little pony," purred Celestia from across the table. She and the smaller alicorn sat in a sunroom of Canterlot Castle, surrounded by heavenly-scented flowers and bees buzzing in the daylight. "Your adventures in the world beyond the mirror never cease to amaze me." The sagely princess levitated a teacup before her soft white muzzle. "Surely you have learned far more than even my own lessons could teach you."
"Oh, don't count yourself short, your Highness," Twilight said in between adorkable, scrumptious giggles. "Your wisdom and inspiration have carried me a great distance in this world and beyond! Why..." She sipped some more soup, dabbed her chin with a napkin, and smiled. "...just on my last trip, I recalled the moral of Lesson Number Seven Hundred and Ninety-Two!"
"You will have to refresh my memory, dear..."
"Hehe..." Twilight winked across the table. "'Always dress for success, especially when you perceive yourself at the bottom of a glass ladder.'"
"Ohhhhhhh..." Celestia nodded, squinting through a swath of her own billowing mane. "Is that the one you learned from your trip to the Shaman Convention?"
"No, that's Lesson Number Seven Hundred and Ninety-Three: 'Zebras never smile in photographs.'"
"Ah. How could I forget."
"Heeeee... anyways, I ventured through the mirror to help Sunset Shimmer with a job interview. It was her idea that we wear some extra Crystal Prep uniforms that my doppelganger left at Sunset's bedroom... for whatever reason."
"Crystal Prep..." Celestia blinked. "...uniforms?"
"Mmmhmmm!" Twilight nodded, sipping some tea. "Sunset said we'd be real 'head-turners' and that it'd help her with her job interview. Curiously enough, she was right! I was left... remarkably baffled."
"Well, it begs the question, my good and faithful student." Celestia daintily cleared her throat. Meanwhile, her soft pink eyes stealthily trailed their way down to the smaller alicorn's fuzzy lavender posterior. "Precisely... how short were the skirts of said uniforms?"
"Uhmmmm..." Twilight cutely tapped her chin. "Short enough that Sunset and I felt a noticeable draft when we stepped off the bus at the job site."
Celestia's ears twitched, and a tiny sigh of delight left her royal lips. Within seconds—sprunk!—a shallow forest of brown stubble protruded from her muzzle. The alicorn blinked, cleared her throat, and attempted to hide the obtrusive shadow with a levitating teacup. "How... uhm... quaint..."
"Granted, it affected me more than Sunset," Twilight said, stifling a squeaky sigh. She leaned back in her chair, stretching her supple, nubile limbs. "But that's probably why I neglected to put on human panties in public."
Spoiiiiing! Celestia's stubble turned into a miniature goatee. "Erm..." The Monarch of Equestria fidgeted in her seat.
"Which I still don't understand!" Twilight stammered. She tossed her shiny violet mane and squinted lusciously through the settling dust in the windowlight. "Why are humans so obsessed with wearing woven material in such close proximity to their nether regions?" she purred. "Especially when it's crafted from embroidered silk and lace?"
Pl-Plonk! Handlebar mustaches popped out of each lip. Celestia cleared her throat—if only for an excuse to block her mouth with a gold-plated fetlock. "That is... a m-most curious culture indeed."
"Take Sunset Shimmer, for example!" Twilight ducked her head and gargled tomato soup. Meanwhile her pillow-soft wings flapped in Celestia's nose. "Mrmmmfff... that frilly pink number of hers kept peeking out of her skirts like a blood-red comet! Not that the man we were interviewing took any notice."
"Well, that's a good thing, my student—"
"After all, it was my human posterior that he kept fondling in the elevator."
Dunk! The frizzled ends of a fu manchu mustache fell into Celestia's teacup. She brushed the follicles dry and cleared her throat, turning away from the younger mare. "I... do not approve of strange bipedal creatures taking advantage of your..." She gulped, her regal voice quivering an octave or two higher. "...soft, vulnerable, virgin sensibilities." Ploppage! Her mustache solidified into a plateau of wooly lumberjack fuzz. "And... I shudder at the thought of anyone groping your tender, barely legal hindquarters." Fwoomp! The beard curled at the end, Dr. Seuss style. "...no matter how much it might smell like a freshly scented diaper changing station." Fwooof! The facial hair took on viking proportions, and Celestia visibly winced.
"Oh, it's okay, Your Highness," Twilight giggled airily, waving a tiny hoof. "The interview went south anyways."
"Oh?"
"Yes. Sunset caught the man making a pass at me. And—like the good friend she is—she proceeded to give him a very stern lecture about how wrong it is to molest high school pre-graduates in public!"
Celestia smiled through her facial forest. "Well, that's certainly something to be proud of—"
"And then she tied him to his desk chair and proceeded to apply the stiletto of her high heel quite firmly to his genitalia."
Booiiiiiing! Brown threads branched off from the central trunk of the royal beard. Butterflies flitted out and chirping sparrows could be heard from deep within. Celestia's pupils shrank as her wings slowly... slowlyyyy began to unfold. "And... and then what h-happened?"
"Well, after screaming his head off," Twilight murmured, raising the soup bowl to her lips and opening her mouth wide... wider. Her tongue stuck out as her eyelids thinned. "He clammed up real quick."
"Sounds like he learned his lesson."
"Nah." Twilight's tongue lathered its way all around the circumference of the saucer. "I was sitting on his face."
THUDDDD! The end of Celestia's ten foot beard plowed through the table between them, smashing it to splintery bits. Deer and antelope sprinted through the trees. Howler monkeys dove for cover. The world outside flickered as the sun danced spastically in the sky. Screaming voices echoed throughout Canterlot as tsunamis rolled and crashed. A mint green seapony slammed against the glass of the sun room, grinned wildly, and slidddddddd down before collapsing into the flowerbed outside.
"You... uhm..." Celestia wheezed. She fumbled and wriggled her hoof through the dangling hairs and eventually found her nose, scratching it. The Princess coughed up a pine cone or two as lotus flowers sprouted on the mustached ends on either side of her. "...did... did this cretin of a human being happened to mention..." Her voice shrank as her eyes rolled back. "...how it t-tasted...?"
"Ooops!" Twilight fell back, legs spread as she collapsed in a fluffy bed made out of Celestia's beard dust. "Oh noes!" She pouted, lying back with her forelimbs curled adorably. "I spilled the soup all over me." Her lips protruded. "It's running all over my body! Collecting deep within my foalish navel!"
"Duaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah," Celestia duah'd. Windows shattered as snaking tendrils of hair wormed their way into the outside world.
"A napkin just won't cut it!" Twilight tossed her bangs loose, squinting at Celestia through one eye as she nibbled playfully on the edge of her fetlock, suckling. "If only somepony would lick me clean..."
"Mrhhgggll..." Celestia's skull vibrated like a pale tuning fork. The beard-ends burrowed across Equestria, unearthing the foundations of Fillydelphia, Manehattan, and the random donkey ghettos in between. "M-m-my gunky and... f-f-filthy student..."
"Your Highnessssss," Twilight cooed, batting her eyelashes. She tore a length of the beard off from the rest and wore it like a brown negligee before crawling on all fours towards the monarch. "Is there a real reason for why you wanted to have this delightful little dinner with me?"
"Uhhhhhh... uhhhhhh..." Celestia's eyes rolled back and forth. "Nuh uh, Twi-Duh!"
Seas drained. Tectonic plates shifted. Fibrous strands swam a serpent's path towards the frozen north, melting icebergs by the second.
"Mmmmmmm..." Twilight brushed her lips with Celestia's. "Are you suuuuuuuuure?"
"Humina Humina Humina..." Celestia's nostrils filled with hair. Woolen tentacles plowed through the roof of Canterlot, broke the ionosphere, and wrestled with the moon. Sarosians were flung left and right, screaming as they sailed off into the infinite reaches of outer space.
"Dear Princess Celestia." Twilight nuzzled each royal cheek. "Someone's been a bad pony, and she needs a trimming." That said, the once-lavender-unicorn took a deep, deep breath...
...and climbed deep into Celestia's facial hair.
"Oh, Twilight, yes!" Celestia belched.
Twilight's fannie shook as she wriggled her way tightly through the Princess' quivering beard cheeks. Soon—with a schoolfoalish yelp—she plunged beneath the hairy surface. Mischievous giggles echoed from within, followed by some tender grazing horse noises.
"Ohhhhhhhhh Twiliiiiiiiiight!" Celestia leaned back, her beard undulating around her, filling the room so that the entire chamber shook and danced like the inside of a fuzzy brown bouncy house. "Ohhhhhhh my sweet pulsating pupil! Yes! I... I'm going to release... ohhhhh Twilight!" Her head wobbled back, the pale circular epicenter of a mustached sea. "I'm going to release squirrels! I'm going to release squirrrrrrrrels!"
A gasp. A Joycean paragraph or two, and then Celestia wailed joygasmically.
"Ohhhhhhhh Fausssssssssssssssssssst!"
On skittering paws, bushy-tailed rodents flooded out of Celestia's beard in a veritable deluge of incisors and beady eyes. The squirrels sloshed through the hallways of Canterlot Castle before exploding into the streets beyond, latching onto any survivors they could find and gnawing their intestines inside out. Soon the atmosphere of Equestria turned blood red upon the final eve of the Squirrelpocalypse—
Princess Luna sat up in bed.
She panted, teetering in a cold sweat. With panicked eyes, she looked at the wall separating her chambers from Celestia's. A hard lump formed in her throat... but was swiftly swallowed.
At long last, the regal sister sighed. She stood up, crossed the lengths of her chambers under cold starlight, and reached her bathroom medicine cabinet.
Luna popped two pills of aspirin, gulped them down with a glass of tap water, and leaned her horn against the mirror. Plink!
"Nnnnnnnnnnghhh..." Muscles tensing, the alicorn rubbed a hoof across her aching head. "...I need a vacation."
