The 2016 Presidential Campaign Goes to Equestriaby Admiral BiscuitChaptersBernie SandersTed CruzHillary ClintonDonald "The" TrumpJohn KasichEpilogue (thank Someone it's over)PrologueBernie SandersBernie Sanders Feel the Bern signs had been popping up all over Equestria. Mostly in front of dragon lairs. But his campaign manager didn't tell him that, just that the signs were incredibly popular. Early research had indicated that Bernie's message would go over well in Equestria, so it was with some confidence that he drove his '72 VW Westfalia Bus along the bumpy dirt roads towards Ponyville. As he got close, he noticed pegasi flying down to get a close look at his van, and then zipping off along the road, no doubt to send word that he was coming. When he finally drove across the bridge into town, scraping a bit of paint off his van in the process, there was a whole mass of ponies gathered to see him. They were lining either side of the road, waving signs with his name on them, and a few of them were even sporting bumper stickers on their rumps. One enterprising Earth Pony had painted his coat to look like an American flag, and two of his friends were trying unsuccessfully to wave him in the air. Bernie screeched to a stop in the very center of the crowd and jumped out of the van. Ponies thronged around him, and he tried his best to keep up with handshakes. He didn't need to deliver a message; he was the first candidate to arrive. It had been worth skipping Nebraska for this. His first shock came when he discovered that the ponies didn't want handshakes; they wanted hugs. Mayor Mare went first, wrapping him in a semi-sincere politician's hug. She was followed by Princess Twilight Sparkle, and then the rest of the Element Bearers. Bernie barely made it to the end of that line. When he saw Fluttershy peeking at him curiously around her adorable mane, he clutched at his chest but gamely wrapped her in a hug. He had a moment to recover when Zecora gave him a stoic nuzzle on the cheek, then he turned back just in time to see Sweetie Belle stand on her hind hooves and hold her forelegs up. It was too much concentrated cuteness for his heart to take. Resuscitation was entirely unsuccessful. Nurse Redheart knew CPR, and briefly revived him, but when he opened his eyes and saw the lock of pink hair which had come loose from her bun and hung over her blue eyes, he had another cuteness-induced heart attack, and that one finished him. It was a great disappointment to the whole town, but they all got together and did what Ponyvillians do best: pretend like it never happened, and go on with their lives. Ted CruzTed Cruz Ted Cruz was next. His campaign manager had told him that he'd do well in a mostly earth-pony town, since they were industrious, hard workers; practical and loyal. He picked Ponyville, because his favorite pony lived there.* When he pulled his not-ostentatious bus into the center of town, there was a throng of ponies there to meet him, all of them holding up signs with his name on them. There were a few misspelled signs—one bulky white pegasus was holding a sign that said 'Terry Crews', and he looked disappointed when Ted got out of his campaign bus—but that was okay. It was the thought that counted. He just noticed out of the corner of his eye a Volkswagen van that was barely concealed behind a short hedge and a pile of campaign signs, but he ignored it. Instead, he picked up a megaphone and started to give a speech. He praised the hard-working Equestrians, and cursed the out-of-control government in Canterlot. He promised to fix the broken system, and make everypony proud to be an American by default. He also inwardly cursed Scalia's determination to keep serving on the Supreme Court despite having died, but he didn't let that color his campaign speech. The ponies loved it. Every time that he praised their hard-working nature, they cheered. When he praised their loyalty, they cheered even louder. He spent the rest of the afternoon shaking hooves with everypony in town except for the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who had been grounded as a result of their shenanigans. Then he went out to Sweet Apple Acres, to have dinner with his favorite pony and her family. He suffered through dinner—Granny Smith alternately fed him homespun homilies and tried to hook him up with Applejack—and then went out to walk the farm. His otherwise successful visit came to an abrupt end when he was torn apart by timberwolves in Applejack's cornfield. Big Mac and Applejack shared a look. “Ought ta fix that fence.” “Eeyup.” Author's Note *This is true. Hillary ClintonHillary Clinton Hillary had taken a different approach than her rival—rather than start from the bottom and work his way up, she decided to start at the top and work her way down. Her campaign managers had assured her that she had one advantage no other candidate did: she didn't have a dick. She was going to fire that campaign manager, she thought, as she walked past rank upon rank of stallions dressed in glittering golden armor to have a private meeting with Prince Blueblood. Hillary sat through a rather long-winded introduction, where Prince Blueblood listed off all his accomplishments, in a presentation that was actually accompanied by slides. She shared a glance of solidarity with the bored-looking mare who was running the slide projector (every vote counted), and then pretended to be interested as Blueblood droned on and on and on and on and on and on. Finally, he reached the very last slide, which was an artist's interpretation of him shaking hooves with Hillary. “Let me tell you why you should vote for me,” Hillary began, but Blueblood held up a hoof to forestall her. “Am I the greatest unicorn in Equestria?” He arched his neck, sending his golden forelock arcing dramatically back across his ear. “I have not met a unicorn more great than you,” Hillary weaseled. “Well, you have my vote, then.” Blueblood stuck his nose up in the air and walked towards the door. “Lacky, shake her hoof or whatever it is you commoners do.” Hillary and Lacky shared a glance. “Do we have to?” “We can say we did.” “Good enough.” Hillary gave a polite head nod-and allowed herself to be escorted out of Blueblood's office. She was still in pretty good spirits; after all, he had promised her a vote, and she was sure that his endorsement counted for a lot. The next few days of her tour were a resounding success. Everypony she talked to was enthusiastic; they all wanted to hear her message. She got speaking engagements in every major city: Manehattan, Baltimare, Vanhoofer, Cloudsdale—* Without a moment's hesitation, Hillary stepped out of the balloon to shake hooves with the mayor of Cloudsdale. All around the landing zone, pegasi eagerly waited for her to re-appear—this was one of the best magic tricks they'd seen since Trixie had visited in a zeppelin. It was only after she failed to reappear after five minutes that an enterprising pegasus decided to make sure that she hadn't fallen through the cloud. Author's Note *I'm sure you can see where this is going Donald "The" TrumpDonald “The” Trump His speeches packed auditoriums and schoolhouses. Ponies loved to hear how he was going to make Equestria great again, and donkeys loved his stylish hairpiece. He promised to build a wall to keep changelings out, and when some smartass* asked him how that would work, since changelings could fly, he said that he would build the wall taller, and the resounding cheer nearly brought down the house. A few rafters did shake loose, but they were held up by several pegasi until the speech was over. His poll numbers reflected his stunning success. He quickly moved up the ranks, rocketing even further ahead when Cruz failed to show up for the debate in Appleoosa. The groundswell of popular support soon earned him an invitation to Canterlot. He made the most of it, selling his brand to the masses. Ponies bought The Art of the Deal in droves, and bars started serving Trump wine. Trump steaks were still a failure, though. The day before the Equestrian primary, he was feeling pretty good about his chances. Cruz still hadn't responded to his latest ad campaign. He set up a platform on the edge of Canterlot where he'd give his final speech. Hundreds of stagehooves had spent the last week setting up for it. There were benches fit for every bottom, from royalty to the humblest dirt farmer, as well as a table where he could display his magazines, and—the centerpiece of his stage—a section of changeling-proof wall that jutted up into the sky like a giant middle finger. Luckily, that particular imagery was lost on the ponies. Their rude gestures mostly involved lifting the tail. He was halfway into his pre-victory speech when the shoddily-constructed wall collapsed on him, killing him instantly. In the inquest, it was determined that the stagehooves had assumed that his literal back-of-the-envelope sketch had been structural drawings, and nopony was found at fault. To memorialize the occasion, they erected a statue in the spot where he had been struck down. Author's Note *A donkey with a PhD. John KasichJohn Kasich John Kasich refrained from making a campaign tour in Equestria, instead focusing on increasing his lead in his home state of Ohio. So it was quite a surprise to him that his poll numbers suddenly started creeping up. It was only after two day of this statistical anomaly that his campaign manager realized what had happened, and hurriedly cobbled together a quick trip to at least make sure that the Equestrians knew he was still in the running. His visit was a resounding success. The ponies had already forgotten about his rivals, and they eagerly waved campaign signs as he spoke to them. He visited the Crystal Empire, Canterlot, and even Ponyville, where he had a private meeting with Princess Twilight Sparkle. Everything was going perfectly well until he mistook the mirror portal for the entrance to the bathroom. As soon as he stepped through, he realized that he had made a terrible, terrible mistake, but by then it was too late. He'd taken the book which powered the portal as some light reading material, and he was stuck in Equestria Girls for thirty moons or until the plot required that the portal be opened again. Then Derpy accidentally portalized him, just for the sake of consistency. Author's Note Source Epilogue (thank Someone it's over)Epilogue And thus it was that Vermin Supreme won the 2016 Presidential election. He fulfilled his campaign promise of a pony for every American, and as his Vice President, Minuette took dental hygiene very seriously. Source PrologueThe 2016 Presidential Campaign goes to Equestria. Admiral Biscuit April 1, 2016 The greatest show on Earth was on the road! Not the circus, but the 2016 Presidential Campaign—which is very much like the circus, but ~~without clowns.~~ . . . A sad and tragic version of the circus. It turned out that there was a minor provision in US electoral law that Equestria legally counted as a state, and got a larger number of delegates than any other state. That provision had been set forth by Thomas Jefferson, and largely ignored, until colorful talking ponies were discovered to be streaming out of the Enrichment Center. A hasty Supreme Court case later—deadlocked until Zombie Scalia cast the deciding vote—and the Presidential hopefuls had no choice but to take their campaign on the road, hoping to sway ponies towards them. After all, it was still anybody's election. SuperPACs tried to flood the Equestrian airwaves with campaign ads, only to discover to their disappointment that there were no airwaves to flood. Bumper stickers were briefly in vogue, until it was discovered that teenage colts liked sticking them on other ponies, and it didn't take too long before the candidates decided en masse that they'd rather not be associated with a horse's ass. Thus, the only reasonable solution was to hold a debate in Equestria, moderated by none other than Princess Twilight Sparkle. She was, after all, not only well-respected by all the ponies, but she also had a political connection in the US.* Before a debate comes pressing the flesh, so to speak. The presidential candidates got in their official campaign busses and made their way to the de facto fifty-first state. Author's Note *See Twilight Sparkle Marries Barack Obama
Bernie SandersBernie Sanders Feel the Bern signs had been popping up all over Equestria. Mostly in front of dragon lairs. But his campaign manager didn't tell him that, just that the signs were incredibly popular. Early research had indicated that Bernie's message would go over well in Equestria, so it was with some confidence that he drove his '72 VW Westfalia Bus along the bumpy dirt roads towards Ponyville. As he got close, he noticed pegasi flying down to get a close look at his van, and then zipping off along the road, no doubt to send word that he was coming. When he finally drove across the bridge into town, scraping a bit of paint off his van in the process, there was a whole mass of ponies gathered to see him. They were lining either side of the road, waving signs with his name on them, and a few of them were even sporting bumper stickers on their rumps. One enterprising Earth Pony had painted his coat to look like an American flag, and two of his friends were trying unsuccessfully to wave him in the air. Bernie screeched to a stop in the very center of the crowd and jumped out of the van. Ponies thronged around him, and he tried his best to keep up with handshakes. He didn't need to deliver a message; he was the first candidate to arrive. It had been worth skipping Nebraska for this. His first shock came when he discovered that the ponies didn't want handshakes; they wanted hugs. Mayor Mare went first, wrapping him in a semi-sincere politician's hug. She was followed by Princess Twilight Sparkle, and then the rest of the Element Bearers. Bernie barely made it to the end of that line. When he saw Fluttershy peeking at him curiously around her adorable mane, he clutched at his chest but gamely wrapped her in a hug. He had a moment to recover when Zecora gave him a stoic nuzzle on the cheek, then he turned back just in time to see Sweetie Belle stand on her hind hooves and hold her forelegs up. It was too much concentrated cuteness for his heart to take. Resuscitation was entirely unsuccessful. Nurse Redheart knew CPR, and briefly revived him, but when he opened his eyes and saw the lock of pink hair which had come loose from her bun and hung over her blue eyes, he had another cuteness-induced heart attack, and that one finished him. It was a great disappointment to the whole town, but they all got together and did what Ponyvillians do best: pretend like it never happened, and go on with their lives.
Ted CruzTed Cruz Ted Cruz was next. His campaign manager had told him that he'd do well in a mostly earth-pony town, since they were industrious, hard workers; practical and loyal. He picked Ponyville, because his favorite pony lived there.* When he pulled his not-ostentatious bus into the center of town, there was a throng of ponies there to meet him, all of them holding up signs with his name on them. There were a few misspelled signs—one bulky white pegasus was holding a sign that said 'Terry Crews', and he looked disappointed when Ted got out of his campaign bus—but that was okay. It was the thought that counted. He just noticed out of the corner of his eye a Volkswagen van that was barely concealed behind a short hedge and a pile of campaign signs, but he ignored it. Instead, he picked up a megaphone and started to give a speech. He praised the hard-working Equestrians, and cursed the out-of-control government in Canterlot. He promised to fix the broken system, and make everypony proud to be an American by default. He also inwardly cursed Scalia's determination to keep serving on the Supreme Court despite having died, but he didn't let that color his campaign speech. The ponies loved it. Every time that he praised their hard-working nature, they cheered. When he praised their loyalty, they cheered even louder. He spent the rest of the afternoon shaking hooves with everypony in town except for the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who had been grounded as a result of their shenanigans. Then he went out to Sweet Apple Acres, to have dinner with his favorite pony and her family. He suffered through dinner—Granny Smith alternately fed him homespun homilies and tried to hook him up with Applejack—and then went out to walk the farm. His otherwise successful visit came to an abrupt end when he was torn apart by timberwolves in Applejack's cornfield. Big Mac and Applejack shared a look. “Ought ta fix that fence.” “Eeyup.” Author's Note *This is true.
Hillary ClintonHillary Clinton Hillary had taken a different approach than her rival—rather than start from the bottom and work his way up, she decided to start at the top and work her way down. Her campaign managers had assured her that she had one advantage no other candidate did: she didn't have a dick. She was going to fire that campaign manager, she thought, as she walked past rank upon rank of stallions dressed in glittering golden armor to have a private meeting with Prince Blueblood. Hillary sat through a rather long-winded introduction, where Prince Blueblood listed off all his accomplishments, in a presentation that was actually accompanied by slides. She shared a glance of solidarity with the bored-looking mare who was running the slide projector (every vote counted), and then pretended to be interested as Blueblood droned on and on and on and on and on and on. Finally, he reached the very last slide, which was an artist's interpretation of him shaking hooves with Hillary. “Let me tell you why you should vote for me,” Hillary began, but Blueblood held up a hoof to forestall her. “Am I the greatest unicorn in Equestria?” He arched his neck, sending his golden forelock arcing dramatically back across his ear. “I have not met a unicorn more great than you,” Hillary weaseled. “Well, you have my vote, then.” Blueblood stuck his nose up in the air and walked towards the door. “Lacky, shake her hoof or whatever it is you commoners do.” Hillary and Lacky shared a glance. “Do we have to?” “We can say we did.” “Good enough.” Hillary gave a polite head nod-and allowed herself to be escorted out of Blueblood's office. She was still in pretty good spirits; after all, he had promised her a vote, and she was sure that his endorsement counted for a lot. The next few days of her tour were a resounding success. Everypony she talked to was enthusiastic; they all wanted to hear her message. She got speaking engagements in every major city: Manehattan, Baltimare, Vanhoofer, Cloudsdale—* Without a moment's hesitation, Hillary stepped out of the balloon to shake hooves with the mayor of Cloudsdale. All around the landing zone, pegasi eagerly waited for her to re-appear—this was one of the best magic tricks they'd seen since Trixie had visited in a zeppelin. It was only after she failed to reappear after five minutes that an enterprising pegasus decided to make sure that she hadn't fallen through the cloud. Author's Note *I'm sure you can see where this is going
Donald "The" TrumpDonald “The” Trump His speeches packed auditoriums and schoolhouses. Ponies loved to hear how he was going to make Equestria great again, and donkeys loved his stylish hairpiece. He promised to build a wall to keep changelings out, and when some smartass* asked him how that would work, since changelings could fly, he said that he would build the wall taller, and the resounding cheer nearly brought down the house. A few rafters did shake loose, but they were held up by several pegasi until the speech was over. His poll numbers reflected his stunning success. He quickly moved up the ranks, rocketing even further ahead when Cruz failed to show up for the debate in Appleoosa. The groundswell of popular support soon earned him an invitation to Canterlot. He made the most of it, selling his brand to the masses. Ponies bought The Art of the Deal in droves, and bars started serving Trump wine. Trump steaks were still a failure, though. The day before the Equestrian primary, he was feeling pretty good about his chances. Cruz still hadn't responded to his latest ad campaign. He set up a platform on the edge of Canterlot where he'd give his final speech. Hundreds of stagehooves had spent the last week setting up for it. There were benches fit for every bottom, from royalty to the humblest dirt farmer, as well as a table where he could display his magazines, and—the centerpiece of his stage—a section of changeling-proof wall that jutted up into the sky like a giant middle finger. Luckily, that particular imagery was lost on the ponies. Their rude gestures mostly involved lifting the tail. He was halfway into his pre-victory speech when the shoddily-constructed wall collapsed on him, killing him instantly. In the inquest, it was determined that the stagehooves had assumed that his literal back-of-the-envelope sketch had been structural drawings, and nopony was found at fault. To memorialize the occasion, they erected a statue in the spot where he had been struck down. Author's Note *A donkey with a PhD.
John KasichJohn Kasich John Kasich refrained from making a campaign tour in Equestria, instead focusing on increasing his lead in his home state of Ohio. So it was quite a surprise to him that his poll numbers suddenly started creeping up. It was only after two day of this statistical anomaly that his campaign manager realized what had happened, and hurriedly cobbled together a quick trip to at least make sure that the Equestrians knew he was still in the running. His visit was a resounding success. The ponies had already forgotten about his rivals, and they eagerly waved campaign signs as he spoke to them. He visited the Crystal Empire, Canterlot, and even Ponyville, where he had a private meeting with Princess Twilight Sparkle. Everything was going perfectly well until he mistook the mirror portal for the entrance to the bathroom. As soon as he stepped through, he realized that he had made a terrible, terrible mistake, but by then it was too late. He'd taken the book which powered the portal as some light reading material, and he was stuck in Equestria Girls for thirty moons or until the plot required that the portal be opened again. Then Derpy accidentally portalized him, just for the sake of consistency. Author's Note Source
Epilogue (thank Someone it's over)Epilogue And thus it was that Vermin Supreme won the 2016 Presidential election. He fulfilled his campaign promise of a pony for every American, and as his Vice President, Minuette took dental hygiene very seriously. Source
PrologueThe 2016 Presidential Campaign goes to Equestria. Admiral Biscuit April 1, 2016 The greatest show on Earth was on the road! Not the circus, but the 2016 Presidential Campaign—which is very much like the circus, but ~~without clowns.~~ . . . A sad and tragic version of the circus. It turned out that there was a minor provision in US electoral law that Equestria legally counted as a state, and got a larger number of delegates than any other state. That provision had been set forth by Thomas Jefferson, and largely ignored, until colorful talking ponies were discovered to be streaming out of the Enrichment Center. A hasty Supreme Court case later—deadlocked until Zombie Scalia cast the deciding vote—and the Presidential hopefuls had no choice but to take their campaign on the road, hoping to sway ponies towards them. After all, it was still anybody's election. SuperPACs tried to flood the Equestrian airwaves with campaign ads, only to discover to their disappointment that there were no airwaves to flood. Bumper stickers were briefly in vogue, until it was discovered that teenage colts liked sticking them on other ponies, and it didn't take too long before the candidates decided en masse that they'd rather not be associated with a horse's ass. Thus, the only reasonable solution was to hold a debate in Equestria, moderated by none other than Princess Twilight Sparkle. She was, after all, not only well-respected by all the ponies, but she also had a political connection in the US.* Before a debate comes pressing the flesh, so to speak. The presidential candidates got in their official campaign busses and made their way to the de facto fifty-first state. Author's Note *See Twilight Sparkle Marries Barack Obama
