The Past Rears its Ugly Head
Author's Note
Starlight Glimmer attended Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns for a short period when she was sixteen, while Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle were still Celestia's protégés.
The Past Rears its Ugly Head
I shivered, exiting into a cold evening below the Crystal Empire palace. The weather hadn't yet recovered from the sudden arrival and departure of winter, but the stars were extraordinary.
I walked silently, together with Sunburst (Sunburst!), nodding to the crystal guards as our hoofbeats clicked on the glassy pavement and our breath condensed before our faces. After the public showing of the alicorn foal and the series of banquets that followed, and then the private party for the family and Twilight's friends together with the new crystaller—a party which looked like it would go on forever—I managed to pry us away. That was mostly because Dash and Jack had gotten into a contest to see who could drink more sparkling hard cider. It was between their outrageous burps and them tottering around as they bragged, and everypony laughing, that I finally snuck away. I had dealt way too long with Sunset Shimmer's drunkeness years ago and had had enough seeing ponies in that state to last a life time.
Sunburst said, "Thanks for helping me find my way out of that labyrinth."
"I'm getting the hang of navigating castles, mostly. I'd like to walk you home."
"I— Uh?" He shook his head as if my statement had dislodged a bolt or something, then pushed up his glasses and turned his turquoise eyes toward me. His goatee wiggled.
I asked, "You wouldn't mind, would you?"
"I— No." He continued walking, looking studiously ahead.
When we had talked about the culture of the empire, about spells, about magic, about politics, he'd been his old chatty self, willing to discuss any detail, listen to any news, and offer just the solution to any problem—in his areas of expertise, of course. From the time my parents had been killed and my trust-fund life began at the age of four, I couldn't remember a time when we hadn't been together, talking, playing, studying—until the rainboom happened that caused me to jerk while playing a game of Jenga with a hundred books...
And Sunburst got his cutie mark...
And I didn't.
Despite his wizard-shtick cloak, I could see the muscles moving in his back and legs. His mane had grown out from a mohawk to a flip, but still looked brilliant, like a cascade of fire. His jaw had squared. His white sock fetlocks had grown enticing tassels. As I trailed behind him, he even smelled the same, except that he was no longer a colt but a stallion, and that smelled better.
On impulse, I trotted up so we were side by side. Ever so gently, I leaned against him.
To his credit, the dorky pony didn't flinch or shy away. Our hoof beats echoed off the tourmaline, ruby, and emerald houses and towers, going clippty-clippity-clop. Quietly. Reverently. After about half a block, he said, "Are you ill? Cold?"
I took a deep breath through my nose, despite the cold. He smelled just like I remembered. A hint of alfalfa and basil, which I remembered he liked to eat. "I just needed to know you were real."
"I'm real. And— And I— I don't know what to say."
I sighed. "I did. To any one who asked, I told them that when you left Celestia's school at the age of eleven that it was because a Saddle Arabian diplomat had learned about you. A mercantile league in their confederation offered you employment and that you and your big sister lived half a world away in the Great Sandy Desert. Any pony who could wield a hundred spears independently at one time was a one-pony army who could guarantee the safety of mega-caravans."
"A hundred books, perhaps." His chuckle seemed more relaxed. "Right. The last you saw me, I caught and shelved that Jenga tower full of books, and got my cutie mark." He huffed sadly. "Some special talent. Library science facilitated by levitation. Spent too much time with my muzzle in a book!"
He stopped and I stood upright.
He continued, "Celestia sent me to the Golden Oak library in Ponyville." He began walking again. "Heard it got destroyed during Tirek's rampage, though."
It took me a moment to put together the bits of history Twilight had told me about her chandelier. "Wait! You were in Ponyville when I was in Canterlot?"
"I was the librarian while attending regular school in town, though virtually tutored by the princess who insisted on sending books for the library collection that continued the education that I wasn't magically inclined enough to continue directly. Didn't leave until Princess Celestia sent her crown representative, Twilight Sparkle, to replace me. Her protégé didn't seem to have need of me, even when she could have used me when Nightmare Moon showed up. I moved back into Dad's house in Grin Having."
He had been the librarian. After an incident where a stallion owed me a debt but didn't trust me to know where he had gone, he had left the information with the librarian he trusted in Ponyville.
With Sunburst?
Again he stopped and looked at me, catching sight of the tears that, no doubt glistening on my cheeks, had spilt on their own accord.
I said, "There wasn't a day... that went by... that I didn't think of you."
He wiped the rapidly cooling droplets with the edge of his cloak, then walked again, head held low. "I knew this was coming," he said.
I hadn't intended to go there. After Twilight's lectures, I knew that I had to leave the past—literally as well as figuratively—in the past. Nevertheless, shown a field of alfalfa, I knew how to make hay. "Knew what was coming?" I prompted after two blocks of echoing hoofbeats and dejected silence.
He stepped in front of me, forcing me to stop muzzle to muzzle with him. With the light of a late night tea shop in his face, I could see his eyes were wet. "Why didn't I fight to get you back!?" He took a deep breath when his voice cracked. "Do you want to know? Do you really want to—" A sob cut him short and he turned away.
He shivered, just shivered.
If Twilight hadn't lectured me about letting go so adamantly, I might not have understood his words and allowed that he might have a different perspective. It was probably the wrong perspective, mind you, but still.
But still—he had wanted to fight for me? For me?
As I walked around him, he turned to face away until we circled the spot at least twice. Perhaps it was because he saw the ponies in the tea house were now staring at us—having recognized the new imperial crystaller and the pony who had repaired the Crystal Heart were having an argument—that, with a sigh, he stopped. I leaned into him, letting my warmth sink into him. "I do."
He coughed, shaking his head again as if something had come loose. "After my dad levitated me away after I got my cutie mark, from down the street I called back to you, asking you to come to my cuteceñera; but you just stared straight ahead and closed the door. Everypony at school, even my sister, had told me you were a stuck-up lady of the manor and that one day I would learn the truth that I was beneath your station in life. My sister reminded me that night when she razzed me about having a special talent that needed no more magic than Levitation. It's then that I faced the fact that I was nowhere as good as you were, and never would be. You could do all manner of magic once I explained how, and now it was obvious I would never be more than a low level unicorn who could shelve books well. Regardless, I tried one more time. But when I visited you to deliver the invitation, your butler, uh—"
"—Proper Step—"
"—told me in no uncertain terms that I had upset the young lady and that I was no longer welcome."
Sunburst nudged me away and reared, stomping the pavement angrily once, twice, thrice as if he could draw sparks with his bronze horseshoes that would set his memories on fire and burn them away. "I believed him. I believed him!"
He took a deep breath and faced me, his mane now all a mess. His glasses slipped off his muzzle. I caught them a hoof-width above the pavement.
He added, "And then today I saw you at my door. Not only didn't I recognize you at first but when I did, I immediately realized Proper Step had lied to me, and that I had known he had lied to me, and I hadn't done anything about it. What kind of weakling friend does that sort of thing?"
We stared into each other's eyes for about five seconds, then both looked away at the same time. I had to because I was crying.
What kind of weakling friend does that sort of thing? "A friend like me. I thought you'd gotten this marvelous special cutie mark allowing you to manipulate a hundred different things independently. And here I was, still a blank flank who could do a zillion things, none of them well without you gently preserving my ego by explaining what you would do to make any of it work right. I felt like last night's trash, like you had thrown me away and forgotten me."
"You thought— what?" I heard him give that shake of his head he did, putting his world view back on-kilter again.
He grabbed his spectacles from my magic as he walked in front of me and now it was me turning away from him as tears rolled down my cheeks. I started to wail as I explained, "I ran away, renouncing everything I had or owned to live on the streets of Manehatten and Baltimare, and later Canterlot. I ended up in a gang war at one point and did unspeakable things. Because my life had gone wrong the instant you got your cutie mark, I began to believe that cutie marks were evil, and, in the end, I threw away a chance to become a doctor, Princess Celestia's personal physician, in order to 'cure' ponies of their cutie marks. I stole cutie marks. I even changed time itself and almost destroyed Equestria. I went insane— And all because I didn't think to fight to get you back. At least you tried!"
I was panting from getting it all out of me, but I continued my self-excoriation with, "I don't know how Twilight can forgive me even though I realized how wrong and how evil I had become, or why she made me her protégé after all that. She is that good and I was that bad. I regret it all, including what I thought of you. I don't know why you would have me after I admitted all that, either. How pathetic can you get?" My eyes were burning and I was blinking to find control.
When he tried to block my path, I teleported a few pony-lengths away. "I've messed up Twilight's friendship lesson, again."
I deserved nothing!
Sunburst trotted over. He leaned into me and I broke into a shower of tears. I would have collapsed right there had his physical presence, and possibly his skill at levitation, not held me up.
As his warmth seeped in, he eventually said, "When did we stop forgiving ourselves?"
Between sobs, as I worked to turn off the water works, I said, "You know."
"I miss the time when I could depend on you to tell me I could find a way to do anything if I just looked for it in the right book."
I sniffled, turning to face him. "I miss the time when I used to depend on you to tell me I could do anything if I just tried, and told me how." I cried again for a moment, him drying new tears with his cloak.
As I finally calmed, he said, "We were pretty good together. Was it as fun as I remember?"
I actually smiled, wiping my eyes with a hoof. I looked into his turquoise eyes, then had an impulse to touch his long red goatee. It was silky. "Probably wasn't, but let's pretend, anyway."
He asked, "Can we start over, do you think? Our friendship, I mean."
"I was evil."
"And I was a research librarian. I was bor-ing."
I chuckled. He did, too.
"Can we start over?" he asked again, pushing up his glasses.
I stepped by him and brushed across his side. He wasn't the largest of stallions, and I wasn't the tallest of mares for that matter, but he felt solid and sturdy, and seemed pretty smart. I liked that.
"I don't want to start over," I said, looking back over my shoulder, giving him a good view of my flank as I swished my tail. "Too much trouble with all that intro ritual rigamarole. Let's continue where we left off… and I want some tea, but—" I pointed a hoof at the tea house where a dozen crystal ponies and a lone orange pegasus gawked at us, "—but that place looks too crowded."
"I brew a mighty fine pot of tea."
"Tea, first, sounds like a great idea. Some sugar after would be good, too."
