Logic Impaired

by CakeGrenade

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Adventure, Random, Princess Celestia
Length: 2872

An alternate universe where Equestria isnt that nice of a place

A magical land called Equestria has many amazing destinations
such as Canterlot...the home of god
and Ponyville...the capital of all disasters in Equestria
Don't go there
that's where we put the lower class ponies
--

And that's where Twilight 'Edwardjacob' Sparkle has been sent to keep an eye on them all,
But her visit took an unexpected turn as she found out that her new friends aren't that weird at all...kinda

Hope You enjoy :)

Published 2016-04-08 06:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-09 15:53:27 UTC

The Mare In The Moon (part 1)

"Twilight, stop whining" Celestia said to her most faithful student "I know your upset...but I need you to keep an eye on them" Princess 'SunButt' Celestia is forcing Twilight 'Edwardjacob' Sparkle to go down to Ponyville and keep an eye on the lower class of ponies, "But I don't want to...they smell funny" Twilight stated

"Look...ill be joining you tomorrow anyway...for the summer sun celebration" Celestia told her

"Urrrghhh" Twilight moaned "Fine"

"Oh and bring this Dragon with you" Celestia handed her a purple dragon baby with green scales "I called him spike...he will be your slave for life" Twilight grabbed the dragon and left the castle.

Twilight didn't want to take the train so she asked if she could be carried via golden carriage to Ponyville...they accepted her request and as she looked down below she saw the petit commoners living in Ponyville.

"WASSUP COMMONERS" Twilight said as soon as she landed "I HAVE BEEN SENT BY YOUR GOD: PRINCESS CELESTIA!", everyone ignored her..."FINE THEN!" She turned around and saw a library...which was in a tree...interesting "I want it" Twilight said to spike "I want to live here"

"But...its a tree..." spike said

"I know that you idiot" Twilight said back as she walked in and asked the librarian if she could live in the tree

"Of course not" The librarian said.

Later that day the Librarian mysteriously vanished and was never seen again, but on the upside...Twilight now had somewhere to live.

Celestia had given Twilight a list on who to keep an eye on:

Rainbow Dash (controls the sky...don't trust her)

Fluttershy (never ignore the shy ones)

Applejack (she owns the food supply...anything could happen)

Rarity (meh)

Pinkie Pie (possible drug addict)

"There's supposed to be a Pegasus named Rainbow Dash clearing the skies" Spike said

"She's on my list...where is she?" Twilight replied

ZOOM!

"Oh hey i didn't see you there..." Rainbow Dash said, staring at Twilight Sparkle as she got out of a muddy puddle

"Hi...my names Twilight" Twilight said

"Hiya Twilight, my names Rainbow Dash" Rainbow dash put her hand out to help Twilight

"Don't touch me you commoner" Twilight said with disgust

"Alright then..." Rainbow Dash said "I'm going to go find a cloud to sleep on...PEACE!"

"She was nice" Spike said

"Spike...I hate you" Twilight said

"aww...anyway, the next pony on the list is Fluttershy" Spike said...trying to change the subject

"There she is" Spike pointed towards a yellow Pegasus with pink hair

"She looks funny" Twilight said "That mane was sooo last never"

"Well...lets say hello" Spike suggested

"fine" Twilight said "HEY YOU!"

"Um...yes..." Fluttershy whimpered

"ARE YOU FLUTTERSHY?!" Twilight asked

"yes....I...am" Fluttershy whimpered...again

"Well ok then" Twilight said as she turned around and left

"Who's next spike?" Twilight asked

"A farmer named Applejack" Spike answered

"Oh no...not a Mudpony" Twilight stuttered

"HOWDY Sugardancingwatermelon" The Mudpony said

"Um...what" Twilight  replied

"Oh...its just my way of saying hello" The Mudpony had blonde hair and orange skin and spoke with an accent that I wont say because if I get it wrong then people will hate me...so...she had an accent.

"So..what is your purpose exactly?" Twilight asked

"I kick trees and I get apples" Applejack replied

"Well. That's...cool" Twilight said as she backed away slowly because Applejack was staring deep in to Twilights eyes...very uncomfortable indeed.

"Are we done yet?" Twilight moaned

"Not yet...only two more" Spike said looking at the list with his dragon like dragon eyes

"UUUUURRRGHHH!!!" Twilight was getting bored of this place...she wanted to go home

"Well they cant all be complete weir- oh my...she's so pretty" Spike had just scene a pale white unicorn called Rarity, she was making dresses,

"Hello there...welcome to my boutique" Rarity said politely

"Finally...someone with manners" Twilight said

"She's beautiful" Spike looked at her with googly eyes

"Hello...my name is Twilight Sparkle, the faithful student to your god: Princess Celestia and I've come to keep an eye on you" Twilight told her

"Well...im sure her majesty had her reasons" Rarity said

"But I don't have any reason, it was Celestia who told me to be here" Twilight said...very confused

"I was talking about Celestia" Rarity said...confused as well

"Oh..i thought since you said 'Your majesty'...never mind" Twilight excused herself out the boutique and headed outside with Spike

"I think i'm in love" Spike said

"You are a dragon...you cannot love" Twilight told him "Now...who's next?"

"An earth pony named Pinkie" Spike replied

"Oh no...not ANOTHER Mudpony" Twilight groaned

Twilight and Spike walked towards a bakery called 'Sugar-Cube Corner'

"HI THERE!" Pinkie Pie bounced out of nowhere...scaring the Unicorn and the Dragon

"AAARGH!" said Spike...having a nervous breakdown

"You must be Pinkie Pie" Twilight said "Please tell me your purpose so I can go home"

"Well" Pinkie said "I make sweets with Mr and Mrs Cake"

"Fair enough" Twilight said..."Lets go home"

At the Tree-Library-Home Twilight was bored...so she grabbed a book off the shelf that was titled: 'How to summon ancient demons' and went straight to page 42 where she saw a picture Moon God that had been trapped in the moon for a very, very long time. Twilight read the spell that would free her from her unholy bonds, she looked out the window and saw a pattern on the moon that looked like a god horse...Twilight focused her magic and looked at the moon again: the pattern had gone.

Short: Zebras Are Scary

Short: Zebras Are Scary

As Twilight Sparkle wandered through ponyville she noticed something very strange....no pony was around

"Where is everyone" Twilight asked her dragon

"I have no idea" Spike said "Maybe its zombies!"

"Are you still paranoid about that?" Twilight asked "I had you vaccinated"

"PSSSSST" a strange voice psst at Twilight "Twiiiliiight", Twilight looked around and saw Pinkie Pie hiding behind the door of Sugar-Cube Corner

"Pinkie?" Twilight asked "What the hell are you doing?"

"GET IN HERE" Pinkie pulled her into the bakery...leaving spike outside "BEFORE SHE GETS YOU!"

"Who are you talking about?" Twilight said

"HEEEEEEEER" Pinkie pointed towards a black and grey striped pony dressed in a dark brown cloak "ZEEEEECOOOOORRRAAAAA"

Pinkie turned on a light in the bakery and there stood the other 4 ponies that were on her list.

"Twiiilight!" weeped Spike "Let me in!!"

"Go away dragon..." Twilight told him "or shut up and stay out there"

"Zecora is a scary looking Zebra that comes to ponyville once a month to dig at the ground and steal our silverware" Applejack explained

"Either that or your being a tiny bit racist" Twilight said with a smug face

"Um....no" Rainbow dash said "I saw her look at me with two evil little eyes"

"Well...im going to talk to her" Twilight said "stupid Pegasus"

after a while Twilight came back into the bakery with Zecora under her arm

"Hi guys" Twilight said "Me and Zecora just had a wonderful chat"

"How did you gain her friendship?" Rarity asked

"Well...I asked her to kill Spike" Twilight said "And then we became friends"

"Yes...I am your new cast member" Zecora said "I am now part of this fic, you must remember"

"Why did that rhyme?" Rainbow Dash asked

"Shut up" Zecora said

The Mare In The Moon (part 2)

The Next Day everypony was getting ready for the summer sun celebration:

Rainbow Dash was sleeping on a cloud,

Rarity was keeping the town hall clean,

Applejack was making apple related food,

Fluttershy was forcing her birds to sing

And Pinkie Pie was making...cake

But Twilight still had to keep an eye on all of them...she didn't want to of course...and that's why she made Spike do it.

After many hours of reading every single book in the library, Spike finally came home (very tired of course) and decided to go to bed

"Oh you useless Dragon" Twilight said "ill just wake you up when its time for the summer sun celebration"

*1 minute later*

"SPIKE WAKE UP NOW" Twilight yelled into the baby dragons ear "Your going to miss the summer sun celebration"

"Uuuuuurgh" Spike said

"Stop moaning" Twilight scowled at Spike until he got out of his bin bag bed.

--

"Whooooaaaaa" Twilight stood in awe at the sight of the town hall "This place doesn't look like a shit anymore"

"Why thank you darling" Rarity replied "I took me forever to clean"

"I don't care" Twilight said

*a wild nightmare moon appears*

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH" Laughed Nightmare Moon "WHO WAS THE ONE THAT FREED ME?!"

"I did" Twilight said "Now you must do my bidding!"

"No" Nightmare moon said

"Wha?!" Twilight was angry...she wanted a  refund "But you must!"

"Well I'm not" Nightmare Moon said "But I will plunge all of Equestria into eternal night if you don't mind"

"I DO MIND!" Twilight said "I EITHER GET A REFUND OR YOU DO MY BIDDING!"

"Well tough" Nightmare Moon flew out the window and into night sky

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" Twilight ran to her library to find out how to put her back in the moon but once she got  there she was confronted by the five ponies from her list, "You know something about this Nightmare Moon character" Rainbow Dash said "Tell us everything"

"Okay" Twilight knew she couldn't out run the Pegasus but she did know a lot about books...she would remember that "CelestiasentmetokeepandeyeonyouviaalistihaverighthereandthenigotreallyboredsoidecidedtofreeamoondemonfromherunholychainsandnowshesnotlisteningtomesoiMUSTfindawaytoputherbackinthemoon"

"Fair enough" Rarity said "Everypony look for a book on destroying moon demons"

*4 hours later*

"I found something" Pinkie Pie said "How to put unholy moon demons back in the moon for dummies"

"PERFECT" Twilight said with dilating pupils "This will do just fine" Twilight then threw the book at Rainbow Dash...causing her to fall out the window,

"Why would you do that sugardancingmanbicycle?" Applejack asked "Don't we need that book for defeating Nightmare Moon?"

"Oh, I already know how to do that" Twilight said "I just needed a big, heavy book to throw at Rainbow Dash"

"Oooooooooh" The four other ponies said in unison "Fair enough"

"To defeat Nightmare Moon...we will have to find the ELEMENTS OF HARMONY...and they have been rumoured to be in-" Twilight stopped talking and walked out the library,

"Twilight?" The four ponies said "Where are you going?"

"Just follow me" Twilight told them

they all followed her to a dark forest that was on the edge of Ponyville...everyone was scared

"THE EVERFREE FOREST!" Twilight shouted...everyone looked at her confused for a while before walking in....

*5 hours of walking later.....*

"Urrgh...we've been walking forever" Rarity moaned "I just want to go home" to show her discomfort, Rarity jumped on the ground really hard causing it to crumble and cause a land slide,

"AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!" Twilight fell down the cliff and was hanging on to the edge with her hooves...somehow

"Ill save you Twilight!" Applejack yelled, using her mad mountain goat skills she jumped over the rocks and dirt and grabbed Twilight by the hooves...somehow "Hold on"

"Well why the hell wouldn't hi" Twilight said

"Good point" Applejack said "Now...I want you to let go"

"YOU JUST TOLD ME TO HOLD ON YOU DIMWITTED MUDPONY" Twilight said

"Trust me" Applejack reassured her "Let go"

"Okay" Twilight said "But if I die...ill see you in court" as she let go she screamed...but she was then caught gracefully by Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy (thank Celestia...we could of lost a mane character right there).

As they walked and walked...they came up to a small valley, everything seemed pretty normal...trees were being trees...plants were being plants...and there was a baby Manticore having a mental breakdown,

"AAAAHHHH" Twilight yelled "KILL IT!!!"

"NO" Fluttershy bawled "Its just a baby...leave it alone" as she said this, Fluttershy walked up to the Manticore and pulled a small thorn out of its paw,

"How did you know that was there?" Applejack asked

"I didn't" Fluttershy explained "I'm just nuts"

"Oh" Applejack said

"Guys" Twilight was getting restless "Lets carry on our quest..."

they carried on their quest.

Walking another mile into the forest they discovered a river...but not just any river...a dangerous river

The mane 6 looked around and saw another poor defenceless creature having a breakdown: a Sea serpent

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!" Twilight yelled "PLEASE STOP CRYING OR I WILL BE FORCED TO HURT YOU"

"Oh but you don't understand" The serpent wept "My moustache is broken"

"I don't care" Twilight said "Just move"

"No" The serpent went from being sad to angry, this caused a chain of events that lead to the serpent bleeding to death because Twilight had used her abilities to stab the creature in the throat...with a tree.

"That worked" Rarity said as she placed a blanket on the creatures eye...since she is EXTREMELY generous.

As they walked into a small circle of trees...a ghostly mist flew by, causing all the trees to have scary faces,

"AAAAAAH" Rarity squealed "That's not natural"

"Wimp" Twilight said

"AHAHAHAH" Pinkie was laughing in the bushes "Where is it?"

"Pinkie what are you looking for?" asked Applejack

"This" Pinkie brought out a chainsaw and started to laugh as she cut down the trees, humming a song while she did it "hmm hmm"

"Well...well" Twilight looked with an open mouth as the rest of the mane 6 backed away slowly

"Wait up guys!" Pinkie shouted

They were all still laughing about the fact that Pinkie just murdered some Trees that they didn't notice that the bridge was broken...causing Twilight to fall...good job she was caught by Rainbow Dash before she fell to her demise (we almost lost a cast member...again...clumsy git).

"WHOA" Applejack said "How are we going to get to the other side?"

"I have wings remember" Rainbow Dash said as she sped to the other side and started to tie bridge on the other side, but evil things had other ideas...

"Hey there" An evil version of what looked like the local sports team crawled out the shadows "do you want to join us?"

"Who are you?" asked Rainbow Dash

"We are the shadowbolts" said on of the players

"Well...I don't really care" Rainbow Dash flew back over to the other side "bye forever"

"What happened" Applejack asked

"oh nothing" Rainbow Dash said "I was just being loyal as shit"

"Well lets carry on you guys...I see a castle up ahead" Twilight pointed to a castle up ahead

"Well lets melondance over there" Applejack said

"No" Twilight said

Once they got to the castle they saw that Nightmare Moon was stood there

"Hello Dearie" Nightmare Moon said

"Can I ask a quick question?" Twilight asked

"Sure" Nightmare Moon replied

"What can kill you?" Twilight asked again

"Well many things" Nightmare Moon said "Explosives, guns, acid, cyanide etc."

"Well ok then" Twilight said with a grin on her face

"Can you guys just go away" Nightmare Moon asked

"Sure thing" Twilight said "Come on girls"

Scene: outside of the fortress tower stronghold castle

"Alright Pinkie" Twilight ordered "Place down the dynamite"

"Okey dokey lokey" Pinkie placed down the dynamite and using the Elements of harmony (which they found in a wheelie bin out side the castle) lit the fuse, causing the castle to explode and killing everything/everypony inside.

--

And since that day...Twilight and her friends would shoot lasers at things that disagreed with the power of friendship...so if you don't have any friends...The Elements of Harmony will find you...and kill you

THE END

Would You Like A Sandwich?

Would You Like A Sandwich?

It was a normal day in Ponyville...

Twilight was having an OCD panic attack,

Pinkie was planning parties,

Applejack was kicking trees,

Rarity was making dresses,

Spike was doing nothing what so ever,

Rainbow Dash was...sitting on a cloud,

Fluttershy was being paranoid,

And a magical rip in reality had stolen Scootaloo

wait what!!!

The mane six stopped being normal horses doing nothing to help the community and once again took their place to fight evil as...

THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY

But the only think that looked even remotely odd that came out of the magical rip was a unicorn...with purple eyes, a dark blue coat and dark pink mane...he wore a green top hat and silver rimmed glasses...very...queer.

The mane six didn't know how to react so they just shot him with lasers from their magical necklaces/crown until the weird thing stopped breathing...

But to no avail the weird thing was still breathing...

"Hi there" Said the thing

"Who are you and what happened to the chicken you stole!!!" Rainbow Dash yelled

"Oh...um..no idea what your talking about...do you want a sandwich" The thing held out a sandwich

"KILL IT WITH FIRE!" Twilight was scared of the sandwich...so with the power of her magical friendship crown she vaporised the sandwich in an instant

"Fine, I know when I'm not wanted" The thing said finally before reversing into the hole that it came from "Peace out!"

VRRRRRROOOORRRRRP

The only thing left behind was some burnt grass and a small Chicken named Scootaloo having a panic attack on the floor in front of the mane six

"That was fun..." Pinkie pie said before going back to her secret party cave from that yak episode in season 5 (spoilers) "We should do it again sometime"

Everyone laughed awkwardly before deciding to go back to the thing they were doing before the thing appeared