Dan Vs... Stuff

by neorenamon

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Anthro, Comedy
Length: 17758

Dan uses the magic of others to get his last birthday cake back, but it goes horribly wrong.

Dan convinces Twilight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer to combine their teleportation and time travel spells so that he can eat his last (and best) birthday cake all over again… after about a month of constant nagging and suggesting how great a friendship lesson it would be for Starlight. He gets his cake back and a whole lot of s*** he wasn't counting on at all. Hilarity ensues.

Rated 'M' for swearing and other Mature situations to arise later on (including nudity and possibly sex).

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-05-08 16:03:57 UTC

The Best Laid Plans of Ponies and Jerks

by neorenamon

I claim no ownership of My Little Pony" Friendship is Magic, Fluffle Puff, Regular Show or Adventure Time. Thank you.

At the Round Table of Friendship

...

"Please?!" asked Dan as he placed himself before Twilight Sparkle on his hands and knees.

"For the 12,345th time, NO!!!" replied Twilight as she crossed her arms under her bosom and refused to look Dan in the eyes.

"Why?!"

Her head snapped back to his gaze as she replied, "WHY?! You have the nerve to ask me 'Why?!' again?!"

"That's the general idea," he mused, "You know I don't know all that much about... magic stuff."

"And that's why I shouldn't try combining my teleportation spell with Starlight Glimmer's time travel spell just to get your last birthday cake back! Who knows what kind of paradox that might create!"

"Pair-of-ducks?!" he asked, "What does that have to do with anything?!"

"No!!" she snapped, "Paradox! What happens when you mess with history and change things!"

"Oh come on!" he moaned, "How can getting my last birthday cake mess with history?!"

"Because!..." she stammered at a loss for words.

"Besides, I'm sure we both remember that one quarter of that cake vanished without a trace and nopony ever was found to have eaten it!"

"Oh, and it just had to be because it was teleported into the future so you could eat it now?!"

"You have a better explanation?!" he demanded, "You know your truth detection spell found no one was lying when they said they didn't steal any of my cake!"

"Probably somepony ate it and just forgot about it," she replied, "My lie detection spell only detects deliberate lies, but a memory lapse doesn't count as a lie you know."

Starlight Glimmer poked her head in the door as she asked, "Excuse me, but could you tell me where the library is? You should really start putting signs on the doors in this place."

"Hey you!" said Dan as he looked in her direction, "Come here a second!"

She blinked as she came in.

"What do you need, Mister Dan?" she asked curiously.

"We're friends, aren't we?" he asked as he waggled his eyebrows.

"I... surely like to think we are," she replied awkwardly.

"Well I have this brilliant plan to get back the birthday cake that vanished from my last Pinkie Pie birthday party," he said as he slipped up beside her, "and with your time travel spell, I'm sure I can get it back. All I have to do is convince Twilight Skeptic over here that she can use her teleport spell thingy in conjunction with your time spell thingy and I'll be the happiest man in all of Equestria!"

"Haven't you two been going over this for more than a month?" asked Starlight as she looked between them.

"Yes!" hissed Twilight, "He won't stop nagging me about it! I keep trying to tell him that combining spells like that can spell disaster!"

"I don't see the harm in going back to get Dan some of his own cake," she replied.

"But this was before you... you..." stammered Sparkle.

"Before I messed up time for you and your friends?" she asked awkwardly.

"Yes!" she replied, "If you got caught in my library, that would surely create paradox and who knows what might change!"

"Then just wear a disguise!" replied Dan, "With all those ponies there, only Pinkie really knew everyone who was invited and she ran off in the middle of the party because we ran out of punch!"

"Oh yeah," replied Twilight, "I do remember that now..."

"See?!" he answered, "What could possibly go wrong?!"

"It's the least I can do for my new friend Dan," agreed Starlight.

"But what do you need my teleport spell for?" asked Twilight.

"You know..." he mused, "In case something goes wrong and Sunset Glimmer can't get out herself. You should always have an escape route in case something goes wrong."

"But I can teleport myself," said Starlight, "Why does Twilight need to be there too?"

"Besides, even if I was inclined to go along with this crazy plan of yours," said Twilight as she glared at Dan, "We'd have to modify the conditions of Starlight Glimmer's Time Travel Spell. It was meant to be a trap after all."

"I don't think the changes would be that hard to make," replied Starlight, "It would just take an hour or two now that I know how to modify Starswirl's spell."

"Well, I guess I could learn something by observing how you modified that spell in the first place..."

"See?!" said Dan, "A win-win situation for everyone involved!"

"Alright!" sighed Twilight, "But we're only doing this for the sake of research!"

"Right!" said Dan, "For research!"

"I can't believe I'm going to do this..." muttered Twilight under her breath.

...

One Week Later in Twilight's bedchamber...

...

"Wow," gushed Twilight, "Seeing how you modified Starswirl's spell has certainly taught me a few things."

"Well the way you completed Starswirl the Bearded's great unfinished spell," replied Starlight, "was pretty amazing too!"

"Oh that wasn't such a big deal," she replied modestly.

"Not a big deal?! That's how you ascended to your alicorn Princess status!"

"Can we stop with the mutual admiration society meeting and get to what's important here already?!" interrupted Dan.

From the corner of the room, the Fluffle Puff gave a short gasp.

"What are you up to this time?" asked Chrissy, "I'm sure it's nothing..."

"Well no one asked you two!" snapped Dan as he face started turning red, "So just mind your own beeswax!"

"Anyway," continued Twilight after giving Dan a moment to cool off again, "I've prepared a spell to disguise you as Bon-Bon. She only showed up for a short while, vanished and then she came back again towards the end of the party. That should be the perfect cover."

"What about you?" asked Starlight.

"I have a Cloak of Invisibility Spell so no one should notice me from my upstairs bedchambers. After all, I should know that I locked the door and no one was there for most of the night. I can follow you until you mingle in the party in case something goes wrong."

Dan rubbed his hands in gleeful anticipation. Twilight glared at him even though he was oblivious to it.

"Let's just get this over with," she sighed as Starlight began casting the modifier Time Portal Spell. The portal appeared over their heads as both Twilight and Starlight were sucked into the overhead portal.

The two mares were dropped into the same room, but of course it was now dark considering there was no need for lights. So Twilight lit up her horn as she looked around. The clock on the wall showed that they had come back to the time they were aiming for. She sighed as she cast the disguise spell on Starlight and then the Cloak of Invisibility Spell on herself. Using her magic to quietly open the door, the two of them slipped into the hallway.

"I don't see anypony around," said 'Bon-Bon'.

"Just as I remember," sighed invisible Twilight, "Let's go. I have to stop at the top of the stairs. After all, it would be hard to explain why somepony just bumped into thin air."

'Bon-Bon' nodded as they headed for the stairs. She peeked over the edge to make sure that nopony was lingering around where they could see her coming down. No one from the party was supposed around the upper levels of the castle as per Princess Twilight Sparkle's instructions.

"Just be careful about bumping into Lyra," said invisible Twilight, "Bon-Bon and her are really close friends, and she might try to rope you into not leaving. It would be really suspicious if you just ran out on her."

Starlight nodded to the one she couldn't see. Slipping down the stairs quietly, she went to the main hall where the party was in full swing. She was dimly aware of the magic that Twilight was using remaining behind even though she couldn't sense her in any other way.

As she turned the corner, Pinkie Pie bounced by. They had arrived too early.

"Hey there time traveller," she said cheerfully as she bounced towards the front door, "I'd like to talk, but I have to get more punch ASAP or somepony's gonna become a poutypuss!"

"Oh Pinkie," giggled 'Bon-Bon', "You're so... RANDOM!"

She just kept hopping towards the door as 'Bon-Bon' sighed. 'That was... too close!' she thought. Slipping into the main hall, she was relieved to see Lyra on the other side of the room making small talk in the corner. It looked like she was involved in some kind of energetic conversation with Dan. She wasn't looking her way. In a nonchalant sort of way, she made her way past several ponies to where the birthday cake lay. 'They didn't say anything about having to avoid Dan!'

"So I said to them," said Dan, "I'll get even with them if it's the last thing I do!"

'Just remember, only take one quarter of the cake. That's all that supposed to be missing.'

She used her magic to pick up a plate and then began placing slices of cake on it. It was a marvelous cake to behold. A German chocolate cake made specially by Pinkie herself with a load of black whipped cream frosting and the words, 'Happy Birth... D...' in blood red icing. The other parts of the message were already taken and eaten by then.

She heard a familiar gasp and turned her head to face the Fluffle Puff. Just behind was the Changeling Queen and Marksaline.

"A little hungry?" asked Chrissy as she raised an eyebrow.

"No no," she said quickly, "This is all for a sick friend who couldn't make it. It's not fair that everypony doesn't have an equal chance to get their share."

"Uh-huh."

"Well... gotta go," she said as she made a quick move towards the door.

"Nothing suspicious about that at all."

Marksaline nodded. But 'Bon-Bon' was long gone by then.

At the top of the stairs, Twilight blinked as she watched 'Bon-Bon' come rushing up the stairs with several pieces of cake on a plate.

"I barely avoided making a scene," she panted to Twilight.

Twilight dropped the two spells she was maintaining as they returned to her bedchambers. They opened the door and went in while Starlight prepared the return spell. Her horn began to glow as Twilight prepared for the return trip.

"Hey Twilight," said a voice nearby, "Who's your friend there?"

Twilight lit up her horn just in time to see Spike in her bed reading a Power Ponies comic. "Spike?!" she asked, "What are you doing here?!"

"Well you left the door unlocked so I didn't think you'd mind me catching uuuuuup..."

Spike and the comic were sucked into the portal along with Twilight and Starlight causing the portal to burst in a flash of light after they had all left the room.

...

Twilight and Starlight landed on their rumps from where the portal dropped them along with a comic book. They weren't back in the room they started in. It looked like they were back in the main room of the Golden Oaks Library. He could see Dan sitting in one corner playing a console game next to a pile of broken controllers. When they made a sound hitting the floor, he turned to look.

"Hey!" said Spike as he rushed over to the fallen, "That's my Power Ponies comic book that vanished from Dan's birthday party! I've been looking for that everywhere!"

"Hey!" said Dan as his eyes turned red, "Where did you get MY BIRTHDAY CAKE?!"

"But Dan," replied Starlight, "We went back to the past just to get this for you."

"I asked you to do that for me?!" he asked suspiciously. He got up, ran over and snatched the plate from where Starlight was floating it.

"That and learning more about Time Travel Portals," added Twilight.

"Well I never asked anything of the sort," he snarled as he began shoving cake in his mouth.

"But that's what friends do," said Starlight.

"WHO SAYS I'M YOUR FRIEND?!" he growled, "I'VE NEVER MET YOU BEFORE IN MY LIFE!!"

"OH NO!" said Twilight, "We've somehow ALTERED THE PAST!"

Starlight gasp as Dan kept shoving cake in his face... with his hands.

"I just know this is somehow YOUR fault!" called a male voice from outside.

"How can this possibly be MY fault?!" asked a second voice.

Twilight walked quickly over to the window and looked out. She could see a strange wheeled cart with some kind of humanoid blue jay and raccoon standing next to it. They were clearly arguing with each other. In the back seat of the cart sat some kind of humanoid robin who was clearly female.

"Well if it's not your fault," said the blue jay, "Then WHO'S FAULT IS IT?!"

"I DON'T KNOW!!" he yelled back.

"I bet you have no idea how we wound up in this backwater village standing next to the Keebler Elf Tree either!" he said as he waved his wing in the direction of the Library.

"What makes you think I know what going on?!" asked the raccoon in dismay.

"We won't figure anything out if you're just going to stand there and argue," said the female from her seat, "Placing the blame can wait until later... if either of you really have done anything wrong at all."

"Are you taking his side, Margaret?!" asked the blue jay.

"Of course not, Mordecai," she replied, "I like you both so I'm not taking sides. Both you and Rigby."

"She likes me better," muttered Mordecai (the blue jay).

"Whatever!" huffed Rigby (the raccoon).

"Something's gone horribly wrong!" muttered Twilight.

Fluffle Puff bounced into the room and gasp as Chrissy followed her in.

"What do you mean you sensed a disturbance in the force?" asked the Changeling Queen suspiciously.

But Twilight was already running for the front door even as she was stared at.

Fluffle gave another short gasp.

"What do you mean, 'Why do I have hands?'" asked Chrissy as she looked at her own hands, "We've always had hands."

She gasp again.

"What about clothing? It's perfectly normal. Do you think I run around naked all day?" she asked as she glanced at the Fluffle, "Well you have so much... body coat... You probably could get away being naked."

Fluffle's eyes glazed over. A thought bubble began to form over her head showing the bare hooves of Chrissy, but then the Changeling Queen just waved it away as it dispersed into the air around Fluffle's head.

"Stop that!" she protested, "I don't need to see that sort of thing... right now."

Dan grumbled as he choked down his cake, "I need some milk stat! Colder the better!"

Dan Vs. Regular Show (Part One)

by neorenamon

Twilight rushed to the door as she heard the arguing continue outside. The sound seemed to be moving closer to the door. As she threw it open, the tall blue jay guy was getting ready to knock.

"Hey!" said the smaller raccoon dude.

"Whoa!" said the taller bird dude, "It's a female horse with wings and a horn!"

"We are not in Kansas anymore!" agreed the shorter one.

"Uh... Hi there," said Twilight awkwardly, "I'm an alicorn Princess. Twilight Sparkle's the name."

"Okay!" said the tall one, "This must be some kind of weird ass dream!"

"Well it has to be your dream because I don't have ones like this! I mean really: Twilight Sparkle?! The cartoons I watched as a kid didn't have names this bad!"

"There's no need to be rude to her, Rigby!" called the female robin from the back of the strange cart.

"Say, can you tell us where we are?" asked the taller one.

"Well, this is... Ponyville..." she said as she looked around.

"What's wrong with us?!" asked Rigby, "What's the deal, Mordecai?!"

"She's not looking at us!" he replied.

"This isn't right," she said softly.

"What's not right?" asked the robin.

"I don't know, Margaret," replied Mordecai, "She hasn't said yet."

She ran around the side of the library looking off in the distance. "The Castle of Friendship!" she cried, "Where is it?!"

"Castle of what?!" asked Rigby as the two of them followed her.

"This library was blown up weeks ago," she said as she stared off into the distance, "and the Castle that should be on the edge of town... is gone!"

"Well I guess a Princess should have a castle or something," muttered the taller bird.

"I should have guessed that something was wrong when all we saw was these pastel horses as we drove in," said Rigby.

She looked back as she said simply, "We're ponies, not horses."

"But you have a horn and wings!" said Mordecai.

"And I saw some horses... ponies that had wings and some that had horns!"

"We have Pegasi, Unicorns and Earth ponies in Ponyville," she replied, "But presently I'm the only alicorn in town."

"What the hell?!" called a voice from the front, "A bird chick?! What's up with that?!"

They ran back to see Dan confronting Margaret.

"What's wrong with female avians?!" asked Mordecai as they came into view.

"Bird brains talk?!" asked Dan loudly.

"DAN!" scolded Twilight, "That's not a nice thing to say!"

"I can speak for myself Jerk," said Margaret as she got out of the side of the cart away from Dan.

"There's no need for..." began Rigby. But when Dan turned, his black t-shirt said clearly in large white letters 'JERK!'. "Oh never mind," he said as he blinked at the sight. They could see cake frosting all around his mouth as he glared at them.

"How come he's the only human we've seen around here?" asked Mordecai.

"You know what humans are?!" asked Twilight curiously.

"Well of course we do!" said Rigby, "We work with them all the time!"

"Dan is the ONLY human in all of Equestria... that I know of."

She noticed that Starlight, Fluffle and Chrissy were coming to the door behind them. Fluffle seemed to be moving oddly as if walking on two legs wasn't normal for her. But the Changeling Queen put her arm about her chest as she helped her walk along.

"Okay," said Rigby, "This is now officially weird!"

"I still think this is your fault!" growled the blue jay.

The raccoon growled as the two of them began sissy slapping at each other.

"Stop it!" called Margaret and Twilight at the same time, "This violence won't solve anything!" Then the two of them paused and blinked at each other.

"Stereo," muttered Dan and Rigby together.

Starlight Glimmer came up to the door as the others moved out in front of the Library. "This is all my fault," she said as she looked down.

"No!" said Twilight, "Your spell worked like it was supposed to. Something else happened when we returned to the present."

"Well, I don't see what changed," she mused, "I thought I saw Spike sucked in behind us while reading that..."

"Comic Book!" said her and Twilight as one.

"Spike was reading one of his Power Ponies Comics!" added Twilight, "Those are enchanted!"

"I'm sure your comic books can be enchanting,.." said Mordecai.

"No!" she interrupted, "They are quite literally charged with magic! The magic on the book must have interfered with the Time Portal!"

"So just... send us back or something!" snapped the little raccoon dude.

"I..." she stammered, "I don't know how!"

"That's just GREAT!"

"Rigby!" interrupted Margaret, "We don't know that we aren't still in our own world! So get your butts back in the golf cart! We have to drive back and see if the Park is actually gone!"

"That sounds like a plan!" said Mordecai as he ran back for the cart, "Margaret is so smart!"

"Suckup," muttered Rigby as he and Margaret followed behind.

"We should come with!" called Twilight.

"There's only room for one more!" called the tall blue jay.

"I can fly!"

"Of course you can," muttered the small raccoon guy.

"I'm coming too!" said Starlight Glimmer.

Fluffle gave a short gasp.

"I don't know why," said the Changeling Queen, "but Fluffle and I are coming too!"

"Well I'm staying right here!" grumbled Dan.

He drove off as Twilight and Chrissy flew after them. Twilight's horn was glowing. Starlight's whole body glowed as if running on air, and Fluffle's whole body glowed the same color as Twilight's horn glow. They travelled several miles out of town before Mordecai said, "I don't recognize any of this! The park is missing! We're stuck in a world of pastel ponies!"

"Just calm down and drive back to that tree library," said Margaret calmly, "I'm sure we can work something out with that magical winged unicorn girl."

"I'm an alicorn Princess!" called Twilight from overhead.

"Whatever," muttered Rigby, "She ain't the boss of me."

The group therefore drove/flew/levitated themselves back towards the Golden Oak Library.

Mordecai leaned out the window and called up to Twilight, "You said before that your Library was destroyed and you had a castle. So what's up with that?!"

"I don't know yet!" she called back down.

They came back towards Ponyville more slowly than they drove out, so he looked out the window and noticed something he hadn't paid attention to before.

"Is that an apple orchard?!" he asked as he called up.

"Yeah," replied Twilight, "That's Ponyville's own Sweet Apple Acres!"

"You don't think they'd mind if we took a few?" he asked back, "I haven't eaten since this morning and I'm starving."

"Me too!" agreed Rigby.

"I guess they won't miss a few," replied Twilight as the cart pulled to the side of the road. The guys climbed out and hopped the fence.

"You gonna climb this tree or me?" asked Mordecai.

"I'm better suited..." began Rigby.

"No one has to climb anything," said Twilight as her horn glowed. Several red delicious apples popped from the branches to float down to the blue jay and raccoon's open arms. Some also went to the open hands of the others as well.

"Magic must be so cool," said Rigby in awe.

"It's not like we can do any," muttered Mordecai.

Just then, a small collie dog came barking and running down the fence line.

"Hey Winona!" called Twilight, "How's it going there, girl?!"

"The dogs talk here too?!" asked Rigby.

"Just the large ones," she replied, "and you don't want to meet them." She flew down to scratch Winona behind the ears.

Mordecai tossed a couple of big apples to Margaret as Rigby bit into one of his. They ate for a few minutes while Twilight continued to pet the collie until they all heard the ominous click of a shotgun hammer.

"What we all have here is some apple thieves!" said a big red Earth pony stallion as he aimed a double barrelled shotgun at them aiming from the hip. From where he was, he couldn't see Twilight and Winona behind one of the apple trees.

There was a flash of light as Twilight appeared in front of the shotgun barrels and said, "No! They aren't thieves!"

"What all are ya doin there, Princess?!" he said as he turned the gun away from her.

"Don't be angry with them!" she pleaded, "I said they could have some apples!"

"Well..." he replied slowly, "If'n it's an order from a Princess an all..."

"It's not an order," she answered, "I swear I'll pay for these later."

"Okay..." he said slowly, "But ya don't have to pay us fer a few apples, your Princess-ship."

"I would feel bad if I didn't give you something for them."

"Alrighty then."

"So... we'll be going back to Ponyville now... So sorry to bother you," she said awkwardly.

"Oh, don't think nothin of it." He tipped his Stetson hat back and scratched his forehead until they were out of his sight. "Princess Twilight shore has been hangin out with some weirdos lately," he muttered as he went back along the fence line.

"We need to go to the site where the castle was," said Starlight, "My spell was based on the notion that the map existed."

"I think we need Spike's comic book too," replied Twilight, "That may be as much a key to... fix things... as much as the map is."

She paused a few seconds before she nodded in agreement. So they went back to the Library to look for the Power Ponies Comic Book. When they got back, they could see Spike taking out the trash in a trash bag as large as he was.

"Spike?" asked Twilight, "Have you seen a Power Ponies Comic Book laying around?"

"Oh yeah," he said, "I was about to throw away that literary piece of garbage."

Everyone else could have been bowled over by a feather at that point.

"No no no!" blurt out Twilight, "I need that book... for... uhm..."

"Research!" chimed in Starlight, "She needs it for research on the mind of foal, colts and fillies!"

"Sounds dumb to me," he said as he untied the bag, "but I guess I can't stop you from wasting time on it." He stuck his claw into the bag and began fishing about until he popped the comic book out. The book was stained by things Twilight and the others didn't want to think about, but she was far too worried to think about that as she snatched the book from Spike.

"This may sound... like an odd question..." she said awkwardly.

"No, that dress doesn't make your butt look big," he replied quickly.

"What?! No no no. I was just wondering if you know of any... strange looking crystal tables... on the outskirts of Ponyville."

"No, I can't say I've heard about anything like that," he mused as he closed up the bag.

"This might be a bigger problem than we thought," she said quietly to Starlight.

"Can't you just make a new map-table?" replied Starlight.

"No," she answered quickly, "I had no part in making any part of the Castle of Friendship. It was all a prefab that came in a small box with six keyholes. That's one reason why there's no signs in the castle because I'm not really sure to hang things on doors or the wall next to said doors. Normal glue doesn't stick to it."

"That... surely is a problem..."

Mordecai and Rigby walked over as the tall bird asked, "So what are you gals talking about?"

"Sending you home might be a little harder and take a little longer then we thought," replied Twilight.

"So where are we supposed to stay until this gets fixed?" asked Rigby.

"I... guess... you're going to have to sleep in my room until... I can send you back home."

"Where are you going to sleep?" asked Margaret as she walked up behind.

"Oh, I've spent a lot of time sleeping on a pile of books," she replied with an awkward grin, "It's... no big deal."

"Well Margaret gets the bed..." offered Mordecai.

"Why does she get the bed?!" asked Rigby.

"Because she's a lady and we're gentlemen," he retorted.

"I like your gentlemanly ways," said Margaret as she walked up and gave him a peck on the cheek.

"It's still the same room," muttered Rigby.

"Besides," growled Dan, "My bed is right across from Twilight's and nothing's happened between us."

"Hey," said Spike, "Why don't the dudes sleep in Dan's bed, and Twilight and Margaret can share Twilight's bed?"

"I can really..." offered Twilight.

"That's fine," said Margaret, "I don't mind the company as long as Twilight doesn't mind."

"Are you sure because..."

"I'm sure," she replied with a grin.

"Don't I get a say in this?!" asked Dan.

Fluffle blew raspberries at Dan while making huge puppydog eyes at him.

"Don't you use that cutesy voice on me!" he retorted, "It won't work!" To prove his point, he turned around to look away from Fluffle.

Dan Vs. Regular Show (Part Two)

by neorenamon

So after dinner, Twilight set up a divider curtain between her side of the bedroom and Dan's side so that the gals could get some sleep without having to worry about being looked at from the guys' side. Twilight changed into her nightgown, and loaned another to Margaret once the curtain was set up. It seemed to fit her pretty well considering the differences in the structure of the bodies of the two ladies.

"Good night, Dan," said Twilight across the curtain.

"Good night, Mordecai and Rigby," added Margaret.

"Good night, Princess," said Dan with a little too much sarcasm in his voice.

"Good night, Margaret," sighed Mordecai.

"Whatever," added Rigby.

"What happened to that little dragon?" asked Margaret as she climbed onto her side of the bed.

"Spike?" asked Twilight, "His basket is in the same room as Fluffle Puff and the Changeling Queen."

"He seems to be rather fond of you."

"Well funny thing that," she replied awkwardly, "As part of my magic test for magic kindergarten, I had to hatch a dragon egg. He kind of looks up to me as a mother figure because of that, so I've raised him since he was a baby."

"You don't look old enough to be anyone's mother," she said as she looked over Twilight's young and lean body.

"Well when you're the personal student of Princess Celestia, you tend to become more mature more quickly than others."

"I take it that's some kind of privilege then?"

"A great privilege and a huge honor," replied the violet unicorn as she looked down. There was a noticeable blush in her cheeks as she said that as well.

"That sure sounds better than working in a Coffee Shop," she sighed as she looked down somewhat.

"What's wrong with that?" she asked back, "Pinkie Pie is one of my best friends, and she works at a bakery when she's not planning parties for everypony in Ponyville."

"Doesn't she have any goals beyond that?"

"But that is her goal: To make everypony happy!"

"Well when I have enough money, I'm moving to a large college town. My future doesn't exist across the street from that park anymore."

"Nothing wrong with higher education," she said evenly, "but I didn't discover friendship until I left the higher magical education behind and moved into a small rural community like Ponyville."

"We're kind of opposites then," said Margaret with a small giggle. She laid back in bed and pulled the sheets up.

Twilight put her hand on her shoulder as she said, "Just don't forget the friends you left behind. That's the first mistake I made in leaving magic school back in Canterlot, and it took me more than a year to make up for that." Then she laid back and pulled the sheets up around herself as well.

"I... I'll try not to."

Twilight and Margaret rolled so their backs were against each other.

"Good night," said Twilight softly.

"And good night to you," she replied.

But the robin wasn't ready to sleep yet. She was still thinking about how she was in that golf cart with Mordecai and Rigby... when the weird stuff started happening.

...

Flashback from memory...

...

The golf cart was driving down the street from the Coffee Shop where she had just been picked up after work. Because of a strike, she couldn't take the bus home and she didn't feel like walking all that way. Somehow Mordecai sensed something was wrong and asked if they could just give her a ride home in their park service golf cart.

"It's no problem," said Mordecai as he looked back towards her from the passenger seat, "Rigby and I are glad we can give you a ride home from the Coffee Shop."

"Gives us an excuse to get away from that park for awhile," muttered Rigby before he got poked in the side with an elbow.

"You guys..." she said awkwardly, "You're so nice to me."

"Hey," he replied, "It's what us gentlemen do."

"Hey Mordecai," interrupted Rigby, "Are those storm clouds up ahead?"

He turned to look ahead of the cart and did notice some black clouds coming in towards them.

"It's good you didn't try to walk home," said the tall blue jay, "I think a rainstorm is coming in pretty fast. We better just drop you off and get back to the park as fast as we can."

Margaret leaned ahead a bit to get a good view of the clouds herself. It sure looked like heavy rain was coming very soon. It was also about then that the wind began to pick up from the direction of the clouds as well. A few minutes passed before she could see lightning flashing from one cloud to another.

"Can't you drive any faster?" asked Mordecai.

"This cart only has one speed," replied Rigby, "and it's not that fast! You know Benson isn't letting us use the good carts anymore!"

"Just because we made donuts on the front lawn last week," he grumbled back, "That's really unfair since Muscle Man double dared us to do it in the first place."

"Well you didn't have to," said Margaret.

"Yes we did," replied Rigby, "It's all part of the Dude Code."

"I suppose if he double dared you to jump off a cliff, you'd do that too?"

"Hey, we dudes have a sense of honor. We don't dare each other to do patently suicidal things. Just something you can get punished for if you get caught. What's the fun in life without a little risk?"

"I guess I don't understand the Dude Code," she sighed as she sat back in the seat.

Suddenly, the cart stopped.

"Just look at that wall of rain coming at us!" cried Rigby.

But by the time he was done saying it, the world around them was drowned out in a massive rainfall. She could hardly see a foot outside the edges of the cart, and some rain was splattering inside getting her mildly wet before she slid to the middle of the seat.

"We can't go any further until this downpour lets up!" called Mordecai.

"I'll just pull over so we don't get hit by some sunday driver!"

So the cart pulled over until the heard the sound of gravel under their wheels and stopped again. Several minutes passed as the rain hammered down on their little cart. Under the darkness created by the downpour. Then there was a massive crack of lightning and thunder somewhere close by making them all jump in their seats because it was like a flashbulb going off in their faces.

"That was close!" called Rigby.

"Too close!" agreed Mordecai.

"My ears are ringing!" yelled Margaret.

But as suddenly as the rains came, they stopped. Visibility suddenly returned to normal. The clouds began to break up as the massive storm front passed overhead. Then they began to look around, and something was off.

"How far did you pull off the road?!" asked Mordecai.

"It couldn't have been that far off!" replied Rigby.

"Then where's the road to town?! How did we get on this dirt road?!"

"I have no idea!"

"Well just drive in the direction we were going and I'm sure we're just coming into town from... another direction. It has to be it."

"Fine," he muttered as he started driving down the dirt road.

"Hey, is that an apple orchard?" asked Margaret as she looked to the side of the road.

"Apple orchard?!" replied Mordecai, "We should still be along the park border. How did we get so lost?!"

"How should I know?!" asked Rigby.

"There's some kind of big red horse working that apple orchard," she said as she pointed.

"I'm not stopping," he replied as he glanced in the horse's direction, "I think he's holding a shotgun or something."

So they kept driving until the came into a village they had never seen before. Every once in awhile, they saw a horse person, but some of them had wings as well, and some of them had a single horn on their forehead.

"This sure doesn't look like Kansas anymore!" muttered the tall blue jay.

"Hey!" said the smaller raccoon, "Is that some kind of house in a tree up ahead?!"

"Maybe there's elves in there baking cookies," he replied.

"Well it looks important so let's stop there and ask directions," offered Margaret.

"We don't need directions!" said the two guys as one.

"Men," she muttered under her breath.

So they stopped the cart, the guys got out, they argued about who's fault it was that they were lost, and when they went up to knock at the door, it already opened when they saw the violet girl with both wings and a horn looking back at them.

...

Meanwhile...

...

Dan was having a little trouble sleeping since his bed wasn't meant for three to sleep in comfortably. The raccoon and the blue jay seemed to have a little trouble sleeping as well.

"So what do you guys do for a living?" he asked them.

"We work at a park," replied Rigby.

"It's about the only thing we're good at doing," agreed Mordecai, "even though Benson thinks we aren't any good at that either."

"So your boss is a dick to you, is he?"

"He's really harsh," added Rigby, "and he's just getting over his temper problems. He was always blowing up in our faces... for the least little thing we did wrong!"

"Do it or YOU'RE FIRED!" said Mordecai in his best Benson impersonation.

"Keep it down," said Rigby quickly, "There's only that curtain between us and the girls."

"Oh sorry," he replied more quietly.

"So what are you doing for a living?" he asked as he looked at Dan.

"I'm unemployed at the moment," answered Dan, "Just doing little odd jobs so I can keep living in a library with some kind of weird characters. I have to say living here isn't dull." He paused to think before he continued, "I mean I live with an alicorn Princess, the Changeling Queen, a Fluffle Puff, and a small purple and green baby dragon."

"Doesn't sound any stranger than living with an angry gumball machine man, an old coot that looks like a lollipop, an immortal white yeti, a nasty green human with bloodshot eyes and a ghost with a hand on top of his head," grumbled Rigby.

"When you put it that way, my life doesn't sound so weird anymore," he answered, "but why keep working at the park when your boss is such a jerk to you?"

"It's really the only steady jobs we've ever had," replied Mordecai, "I don't know... if I could ever get another job now. When Margaret goes off to college, I'm... gonna be kind of lonely."

"Aren't we best buds?!" asked the raccoon.

"It's not the same as a girlfriend."

"You should make out with her at least once before she leaves," he replied as he rolled over in bed.

"What?!" he asked in dismay, "I... couldn't do that... with someone as cool as her."

"Your loss bro."

Dan yawned as he said, "Well let's get to sleep. Maybe things will be different in the morning."

Soon the guys were asleep.

...

The next morning...

...

Margaret awoke to see Twilight standing by the side of the bed. With her back to the bed, she could see that she had both wings and arms sharing the same back muscles. She wondered how such a person could even fly like that.

Twilight turned as she heard the robin stir and said "Good morning. I hope you don't mind if I use the bath first?"

With her turn, Margaret could see the modest, firm and perky breasts of the alicorn Princess. They were clearly at least a good cup size larger than her own. She could also see Twilight's pony tail as it slowly waved back and forth behind her butt.

"Go ahead," she said as she fully sat up, "I don't mind waiting." But as she started to leave, she said, "Wait up a second."

"What do you need?" she asked as she looked back.

"How can you fly?" asked the robin, "Your wings are too small to support your weight and your torso muscles are way too small for proper flying as well."

"Oh that's easy," she replied with a grin, "Alicorns and pegasus fly because it's part of our innate magic."

"Magic sounds like it's something really great," sighed Margaret.

"Well as long as some minotaur-esque monster isn't stealing out magic, it is."

She blinked as she asked, "What?"

"But don't worry," she replied, "He's back in his cage down in Tartarus."

"Tartarus?" asked the robin, "I thought that was like Greek hell."

"What's a greek?" she asked as she blinked, "And what's hell?"

"The place where people who led bad lives are punished forever... or at least until they're reborn."

"Huh, that does kind of sound like our Tartarus as well."

"Maybe different universes can have things in common."

"That would be an interesting theory to test," replied Twilight as she stretched her wings and folded her arms behind her head. Then she bent over to collect some clean clothes before she stood up again. "Well I'll be back in a little while," she said as she started heading down the stairs from her loft.

"I should probably wash out my clothes while Twilight's in the bath," she said as she got out of bed, "I wonder why I'm talking to myself out loud like this?" She thought about it as she gathered up the clothes she had been wearing the day before and went down the stairs in the same direction as Twilight. "I wonder if this library has a laundry room?"

She noticed the Changeling Queen heading for the kitchen as the Fluffle followed. While the first was wearing an almost transparent black lace nightie over her thong bikini underwear, the pink fluff ball wore naught but her pink fluff.

"Good morning," she said, "You have a laundry room around here somewhere?"

"A what?" asked Chrissy.

"The room you have your clothes cleaning machines are," she replied.

"There is no such thing," she replied, "You either wash them with magic or with a bucket and washboard."

"Wow, out culture has had fully automatic clothes washers and driers for more than a hundred years. That kind of stuff can only be found in antique museums."

"Yes," she replied, "I noticed you strange ponyless carriage parked out front."

"Oh, that's just an electric golf cart," answered Margaret.

"Electric? Golf? Cart?" she asked slowly.

"I guess that would... take too long to explain."

"I see."

"So... do you know this laundry cleaning spell?"

"I... uh... just give my clothes... to the Puff here," she said somewhat awkwardly, "When she stores things... in her coat, things just... come out clean."

"I guess that must be magic too?"

"Well that's the only explanation that really makes sense."

"I guess so," she said as she turned to the Fluffle, "Would you mind... cleaning my clothes too?"

She responded by blowing a series of long and short raspberries at the robin.

"Uh..." she said once the pink one stopped.

"That means 'yes, I will. Come back for them in fifteen to thirty minutes'."

"Well thank you so much," she replied. So she handed over the dirty clothes which vanished into the pink one's coat. "You must save a lot of money on detergent like this."

"De-what-gent?"

"Oh, that's like... soap for your clothes."

"Ah, how interesting." Then she paused before she asked, "Do your men normally walk around naked like... this one?" she asked as she nodded her head towards the Fluffle Puff.

"Well some of them do and some don't," she replied, "I guess it depends on how well fur covers... their... uh... manbits. Mordecai and Rigby can get by without an clothing, so they just don't normally wear them."

"How... curious."

The Fluffle Puff blew a short raspberry.

"She says 'Come to the kitchen and have some muffins with us'."

"That's very kind of you."

The Fluffle gasp and bounced towards the kitchen with great speed.

"She can get... a little worked up at times."

"I noticed."

Dan Vs. Regular Show (Part Three)

by neorenamon

"There must be something we can do to get ourselves back to our proper home," muttered Mordecai as he walked down the stairs.

"I think that magic somehow got us here," said Rigby as he followed his friend downstairs, "so magic must be the key to going back."

"We don't know diddly about magic."

"I betcha Skips would know what to do," sighed the raccoon, "He seems to know just about everything."

"Who or what is a Skips?" asked Dan.

"Oh, he's the immortal yeti we mentioned last night," replied the blue jay, "It's not his real name, but everyone just calls him that."

"Funny, I thought something as big and bad as a yeti would have... a more impressive nickname than Skips."

"That's because the dude is pretty low key where we live. He doesn't like to make a scene if he doesn't have to."

"Well I love to make a scene," replied the Jerk, "It's what adds spice to life."

"If you've been alive as long as Skips, spice doesn't seem so important anymore."

"I don't think I could stand to be immortal then."

"Well I'd love to be immortal," said Rigby, "Pulling pranks on people for the rest of time, and always having new suckers to prank every fifty or a hundred years. I'd be so into that."

"So just how does magic work here?" asked Mordecai to Dan.

"I'm not sure I understand it all still, but it seems there's three ways to do magic: Be born with a horn, be able to mix potions or have some magical relic thingy."

"I don't have a horn," muttered Rigby.

"And I don't think we have the time to learn about potions," agreed Mordecai.

"Just between you and me," said Dan as he pulled the two dudes closer, "Twilight has one of those magical relic things. I saw it once. Something like... the Alicorn Amulet, I think."

"But we aren't alicorns."

"No, the amulet thing grants the wearer the powers of an alicorn, and that's massive magic. Or at least that's what Twilight said to me when I noticed her checking up on it one time."

"Have you used it?" asked Rigby.

"With all these magical ponies and things around, I haven't had the need to. But then I'm not trying to get back home. My home now is in Equestria with these blathering pastel ponies... and stuff."

"Hey! That sounds like a great plan! You said you know where she keeps this amulet thing?!"

"Rigby!" said the tall blue jay, "I don't know about messing with such powerful relics. We could just make things worse than they already are. Perhaps it's..."

"It won't hurt to just look at it!" snapped the raccoon, and then said to Dan, "You can show it to us, right?"

"I... know a few things about Twilight's safe and how to get into it," he replied slyly, "So sure you can see it." He looked around before he added, "Just don't mention this to anyone else. Just letting them know I can get into her safe will make them change the combination and I really need to keep a few of my... more precious things safe in that safe."

"That means we aren't going to touch anything," said Mordecai as he looked down on Rigby, "Right?!"

"Absolutely!" he answered.

"Then we need to move to the back storage area without being seen," said Dan as he crept across the floor.

"Ninja stuff," he replied, "Got it."

The three of them snuck their way into the back storage room where all manner of books and a few paintings were stored for safe keeping. Dan moved up to a large painting of a unicorn with a massive beard.

"It's behind the painting of Starscream the Hairy," muttered Dan as he opened the painting like a small door. Behind the painting was a safe with a four digit combination lock. He dialed in the combination '1-2-3-4' and then turned the handle to open the fairly large safe door.

"Why is it the smartest people have the simplest combinations?" muttered Mordecai.

He reached in and pulled out a candy bar. Then he looked about as he asked "What?!"

"Candy bars?"

"Hey, it's the only way to make sure I have them when I need them," he replied as he opened the wrapper and shoved it in his face, "and besides, I know full well that the Willhewankher Corporation is out to rule the world!.. of Equestria!"

"Oh!" said Rigby as he pulled out a small jeweled box, "Is this it?!"

"We aren't supposed to touch anything!" whined Mordecai.

"Yeah, that's the one," said Dan as he chewed, "The key is in the envelope marked 'Alicorn Amulet Key'. What passes for security around here is really lame."

So the raccoon grabbed the envelope as he took them both to the nearest reading table. He dumped the key out and then opened the box as they all stared at what lay iside the box.

"Black and red?!" asked the blue jay dude, "Isn't that kinda edgy?!"

"What?!" asked Dan.

"Sorry, I... have a few brony friends!"

"Aha!" said the raccoon dude, "That explains the strange cartoon tape I found in your stuff that one time!"

"That... wasn't mine!" he protested, "And I keep telling you to stop messing with my stuff! Now just close the box and put it... NO!!"

Rigby had already put the Amulet on and his eyes glowed with power. "YES!!" he growled, "So much power! I can do... ANYTHING!! Going back home will be CHILD'S PLAY to the LIKES OF ME!!"

"I wish Skips was here!!" yelled Mordecai.

Black lightning began to crackle around Rigby's body as he raised his hands. "I AM NOW A GOD!!" he laughed darkly.

"Fluffle," said a familiar voice, "What's so important that you have to drag me..."

Dan and Mordecai turned to see Twilight being dragged by the hand by the pink fluff with Chrissy, Starlight Glimmer and Margaret right behind her.

"NO!!" she screamed, "The ALICORN AMULET!! It turns it's user EVIL!!"

"DAN!" yelled Mordecai, "You kinda didn't mention that part!"

"I didn't know!" he protested, "I always thought that Trixie was just a jerk and a showoff from the get go!"

"You have to get Rigby to take it off of his own free will!" said the violet alicorn.

"NOT UNTIL WE GO HOME!!" said the glowing red-eyed raccoon, "AND PROBABLY NOT EVEN THEN!! I DON'T NEED ANY MAGIC MAP TABLES OR STUPID COMIC BOOKS NOW!!"

"He's losing control of himself!"

"AFTER THAT, I KNOW SEVERAL PEOPLE WHO HAVE THEIR JUST DESSERTS COMING TO THEM!!"

"I did not see this coming," muttered Dan, "or why I didn't do this sooner myself."

"DAN!!" screamed Twilight.

"What?! Just sayin over here."

"Rigby!" said Margaret as she stepped closer, "You have to take that evil thing off! It's not who you are!"

"Since we're such good friends, Mordecai," he said to the blue jay, "I'll give you a PRESENT!"

He snapped his fingers and the robin was suddenly naked. Then he did it again and her feminine shape vastly increased, especially her her chest and butt while her waist actually shrunk. She seemed stunned at the sudden transformation.

"I don't want it like this!" protested Mordecai, "This is so many level of WRONG!"

"I can even FORCE her to fall in love with you," he said with a wicked grin, "She'll be yours FOREVER!"

"PLEASE!" she begged, "DON'T DO IT!"

"I'm begging you to stop this at once!" added the blue jay, "As your best friend, I'm begging you to just stop and take that stupid thing off you neck right now!"

Chrissy stepped up and put her hand on his shoulder as her horn glowed brightly. "He can't be reasoned with now!" she called as she blasted Rigby with a green energy blast from her horn that sent him through the wall. She looked at him and said, "You really must love her if I can get so much love power from you."

"Wait!" protested the robin, "Mordecai... loves me?!"

"Well... uhm..." said Mordecai, "You see..."

"I see this can wait until later!" she said as she dove through the hole.

"YOU BE SO SORRY YOU MESSED WITH THE LIKES OF ME!!" growled Rigby as he stood up. They could see the marks he left in the dirt as he slid back a good thirty feet from Chrissy's attack spell.

The Fluffle jumped on the Queen's back as her horn glowed even brighter. "You're the one who's going to be sorry you messed with someone's heart!" she growled as she blasted him again and sent him back another good thirty feet.

"SEE HOW MUCH YOU LIKE BEING PATHETIC AND POWERLESS AS I WAS!!" he replied as he shot the Queen with eye beams. There was a bright green explosion of light, and what appeared when the light faded was a female version of normal Rigby.

"My powers!!" cried the now raccoon female. Her knees buckled under the weight of the Fluffle on her back.

"I have to try something!" said Starlight as she blasted him with her crystal entrapment spell, but hardly a second seemed to pass before the possessed raccoon burst out, showering the area with crystal shards.

"You were never pathetic or powerless!" cried Margaret as she backed away from the scene.

"WELL DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU?!" he hollered at the blue jay. His hands glowed as he pointed his fingers at Mordecai and Margaret. "NOW GO GET HER!!" yelled the dark raccoon as Mordecai and Margaret were made to glow and were forced into each other's arms.

"NO!! NOT LIKE!!.." he protested as he was cut off by a forced kiss to Margaret's beak.

"Mmmppphhh!" she objected.

His arms were forced around her torso even as they kissed against their wills. They closed their eyes because it seemed to make things more acceptable. That Rigby wasn't the one who was doing this to them.

Rigby let out a dark and evil laugh as he watched his two friends forced to kiss. "Now it's time to take this show BACK HOME!!" he called as he raised his hands. A massive black vortex of spinning clouds appeared that covered most of Ponyville area high in the sky. Winds began to grow as air moved towards the vortex.

"Even I'm not this big of a jerk!" growled Dan as he as he ran back into the Library.

Small loose objects began to be sucked upwards toward the swirling energy. Mostly sand and loose dirt, but the sucking action continued to grow even stronger over time. He laughed as he compelled his best friend to feel up his secret love's back moving lower towards her more motherly butt and hips.

"Mmmmmm!" he protested through the forced kiss.

"Mmm?!" she moaned back.

"IT'S FINALLY TIME TO END THIS!" roared someone. They all looked back to see Dan holding the now dirty Power Ponies Comic Book in his hand. Before anypony could ask, he threw the book as hard as he could right into the vortex. Bright white light beams began to erupt from the vortex in all directions. "Besides, I hate comics!" he announced at the vortex exploded. Everyone was blinded by the light for a moment.

When the light cleared, a few things became apparent. They weren't in Ponyville anymore. Margaret was back to her normal shape, but still naked in Mordecai's arm. Because of their balance, he seemed reluctant to let her go in case she might fall down. Rigby was back to normal as well as Chrissy, and the raccoon was no longer wearing the Alicorn Amulet. It didn't seem to be anywhere in the area.

"Hey!" he protested, "How did we get here?!"

"Don't you remember putting on that Alicorn Amulet thing?!" asked the blue jay.

"What amulet?! Dan never showed us any amulets!"

"He doesn't remember what he did," said Margaret softly before she hugged Mordecai and dragged him into a kiss.

"Mmm?!" asked Mordecai into the kiss which lasted a few minutes.

When the kiss broke off, she asked, "So... you really are in love with me?"

He nodded energetically.

"How did you know about the comic book?!" asked Twilight as she looked at Dan.

"Some big white hairy dude got in my head and told me what I had to do," he replied as he shivered, "I never want to see him again."

"SKIPS!!" shouted Rigby.

They looked at the odd tree house as Mordecai grumbled, "I hope it's just Keebler elves this time..."

Then the door opened as a kid in a funny hood holding a sword came out. He was followed by an odd looking orange dog. Behind them was a very long tubular looking rainbow unicorn the likes of which none of them had ever seen before.

"WHAT DA MATH?!" he exclaimed as he held out the sword.

Dan Vs. Adventure Time (Part One)

by neorenamon

"Those don't like like Keebler elves to me!" said Mordecai as he protectively clutched Margaret and kept her away from the strange beings confronting them.

"Well they better have some cookies," growled Dan, "I'm still hungry from this morning!"

The thin limbed human leaned over to the orange dog and said, "What's a Keebler elf and why does he think we have cookies?"

"I don't know, dude," he replied, "I've never heard of them, but I guess I haven't met every kind of elf there is. Besides, who doesn't like cookies? Maybe where they come from, everyone keeps a stock of cookies in their house."

"Naega jib-e gajigoissneun geoscheoleom eojjeomyeon geudeul-eun mujigae kukileul?" asked the rainbow unicorn.

"Rainbow cookies? Oh that's a good one, sweetie."

"Hey!" shouted Dan, "I don't speak fortune cookie!"

"Hey!" replied the dog, "Are you disrespecting my girl?!"

"That's a girl?!" he asked as he blinked, "A rainbow tube sausage?!"

"Oh, that tears it!" he growled back, "I'm gonna rip you a new one!" His body stretching like silly putty as he wrapped himself around Dan.

"Get away from me, you freak!"

"Jake!" called the boy, "Calm down! This might just be a misunderstanding!"

"Bunmyeonghi i jeongsinjeog-eulo yeoldeunghan saengmul-eun geuga malhaneun mueos-eul algo haji anhseubnida."

"I still can't let this jerk talk down on you like that!" replied as he started headbutting Dan.

"OW!!" yelped Dan.

"Fight! FIght! Fight!" said Rigby.

Jake began to glow as he was pulled off Dan. They could see that Twilight's horn was glowing the same color as the dog.

"Please stop this!" she pleaded, "We're not here to fight!" Then she paused to look at Dan and added, "Well most of us aren't."

"Whoa!" said the boy, "That must be some crazy magic you got there!"

"Naneun-i saengmul lokeol-i anin geollil?"

"I kinda doubt that too," said Jake.

"I suggest everyone just calm down and start over," replied Twilight, "My name is Princess Twilight Sparkle and I'm originally from the land of Equestria." She indicated aside to the pink fluff as she said, "This one is Fluffle Puff." Pointing to the Changeling Queen, she said, "This one is Queen Chrysalis, the Queen of the Changelings... semi-retired at this point." She looked about and pointed at another as she said, "And this is Starlight Glimmer, my new student of friendship." Then she glanced at Dan as she added, "And this is Dan. He's a jerk and he's from a place called Earth."

"My name is Mordecai," said the tall blue jay, and then pointed at the robin as he said, "and this one is Margaret." He finally pointed to the raccoon and said, "And this is my buddy Rigby."

"Oh, well my name is Finn the Human," replied the thin limbed kid, and pointed to the dog as he said, "This is my best bud, Jake the Dog." Then he pointed at the rainbow unicorn as he added, "And this is Lady Rainicorn, the... uh... Rainicorn."

"String bean limbs over there is human?!" asked Dan.

"And what the heck are you?!" asked Jake.

"I'M HUMAN!!" he replied as he flexed his somewhat weak arms, "100% all beef human!!"

"What's beef?" asked Finn quietly of his dog friend.

"I think that's what they ate before the great mushroom war," replied Jake.

"I guess that kinda makes sense since Rainicorns used to eat us humans."

"WHAT?!" interrupted Dan.

"Ulineun deo isang ingan-eul meogji anhneunda," said Lady Rainicorn, "Geunyang gajja ingan-ui gogi."

"I still think that fake human meat is pretty awesome," said Jake.

"It's still kinda freaky," added Finn, "but I guess humans do taste kinda good."

"FAKE HUMAN MEAT?!"

"They had to switch to that because... well..." said Jake, "Finn here is about the last human there is left."

"Well no one is eating ME!!"

"So how did you folk wind up here on my doorstep?" asked the dog.

"It's kinda complicated," said Twilight, "but involves a relic, a dimensional vortex and a magical comic book."

"That sure sounds complicated to me," replied Finn.

"I wish I could do more to fix things," sighed Starlight.

"Jake ui salang?" said the rainicorn, "Wae nae sonnim eul chodae haji?"

Jake glanced back as he said, "Where are my manners?! Invite them to come in, Finn."

"Sure," he replied, "I can't promise enough food for everyone, but feel free to ask." He gestured towards the open door and waited until everyone else was inside before he followed.

"What?!" asked Dan as he looked around and saw a game device standing on one of the tables, "What kind of freaky Gameboy has arms and legs?!"

"I am not a game boy," replied the device, "I am Beemo."

"It talks too?!"

"Hey Beemo!" said Fin, "How's it going?"

"I am well, Finn. Thank you for asking."

"How many games does he have?!" asked Dan.

"I have dozens of games," it replied, "but Finn is still currently not finished with Guardians of Sunshine. Besides, I do not like lending my services to people I do not know."

"Great! A game player with an attitude!"

"Dan!" said Twilight, "You shouldn't mess with other people's stuff. It's not nice."

Fluffle gasped at the sight of Lady Rainicorn and bounced around the room until she landed on her head.

"I isanghan saengmul-eun mueos-eulhago issseubnikka?"

"Huh?" asked Jake, "I don't know what that pink fluff thing is up to."

"Oh," said Chrissy, "She thinks Lady Rainicorn is the prettiest mare she's ever seen. I think she wants to play... or something."

Lady Rainicorn blushed a little when she realized what was said about her.

"Well it's true!" agreed Jake, "You are awesome beautiful, sweetie!"

"O Jake, dangsin-eun naleul bukkeuleobge mandeulgoissda," she said as she blushed even more.

"There's no one more beautiful to me than you," said Mordecai to Margaret. She blushed as Rigby stuck his finger in his mouth and made a gagging gesture.

"I had no idea," she replied.

"That's because I have trouble approaching someone... as unbelievably gorgeous as you," he replied as he looked down.

"Are there any magic experts in this world?" asked Twilight.

"I can think of a few," said Jake, "but most of them like the Magic Man and Ice King are jerks. I wouldn't trust them."

"What's wrong with them?"

"They're both selfish, scheming and only look out for themselves," he replied, "Asking them for help would surely cost way too much."

"What about PB and her sciency stuff?!" asked Finn.

"Princess Bubblegum?" replied Jake, "I guess it wouldn't hurt to see if she could help you. She's a wise and noble Princess who likes to help those who are in need."

"It's a little late in the day to go see her now," said Finn as he looked out the window, "I guess we can go see her in the morning though."

"Do you have any spare clothes?" asked Mordecai.

"For who?"

"For me," replied Margaret as she looked down, "I'm not used... to parading around naked like this."

"You can try some of my stuff," replied Finn, "but I have no idea how good it's going to fit."

"Thanks dude," replied Mordecai.

"Hey!" said Jake as he looked at Lady Rainicorn, "My sweetie makes a mean Shin Ramyun! I'm sure she can make enough for all of us!"

"O Jake," she replied as she blushed again, "Dangsin-eun naleul dasi hongdangmu hago issseubnida."

They all went to the kitchen area and the living room while Lady Rainicorn cooked up a big pot of spicy noodles and a nice big pot of tea to go along with it.

Jake leaned close to her ear and said softly, "Don't forget to add the special ingredient."

She nodded as she drained the water and dumped in a small bucket of gray goo. Then she went back to stirring it up. She then portioned it out to bowls. Enough to feed everyone. Jake spread the bowls around and they all dug in. After a while, Twilight started looking a little queasy. Then she suddenly got up and ran out the front door.

The Puff gasp as Chrissy watched her go.

"I guess she isn't taking this so well," commented the Changeling Queen.

She ran outside and began spewing into a nearby bush.

"Hey!" called a voice, "That's not very nice!"

After she was done puking, she turned to see some humanoid man with a massive white beard and mustache.

Then he looked at her more closely before he added, "Wait a minute. I've never seen you around here before. I'm the Ice King."

"Oh," she replied as she stood up, "I'm so sorry. Princess Twilight Sparkle at your service."

"What now?!" he asked.

"I said I'm..."

He pointed a finger at her as an ice ray almost instantly encased her hands, feet, mouth and horn in ice. Then he grabbed her and flew off as he flapped his beard like wings. Just then, Finn and Jake burst out.

"Princess Twilight?!" said Finn as he looked around.

Jake pointed as he said, "It's the Ice King and he's grabbed Twilight!"

"ICE KING!!"

"What's going on?!" asked Chrissy as she and the Puff ran out after them.

"Ice King just kidnapped Twilight!" said Finn.

"Yeah," agreed Jake, "Kidnapping Princesses is his... thing."

"Ulineun han beon-e geunyeoleul guchul haeyahabnida," said Lady Rainicorn from inside.

Starlight and the others were looking out the door past the rainicorn.

"If that jerk thinks he can handle a Princess," snarled Chrissy, "he's going to be so sorry that he messed with a QUEEN!"

"I haven't done anything!" protested Dan.

Dan Vs. Adventure Time (Part Two)

by neorenamon

"Okay," said Finn, "We'll get your Princess back from the Ice King. You guys hang out here until we get back with her."

"No way!" replied Chrissy, "Twilight's our friend and I shall help get her back."

"Look, we've dealt with the Ice King before and we're getting to be old pros at it."

"Obviously you aren't nearly good enough if he's managed to pull this off so many times."

"Hey, he's a King after all. It's not like we can just toss him in a dungeon or something."

"You'd think with the number of times he's been defeated by now," added Jake, "He'd get the message through his icy skull."

"Then perhaps it's time he learned a new lesson."

"Look, you don't have to go," said Finn.

"Then you're going to have to fight me to stop me from coming with you," snarled the Changeling Queen.

"Okay Finn," said Jake as he put a hand on his shoulder, "She's her friend and we don't have to right to stop her from helping."

"I... just don't want to put anyone else in danger," he replied.

"An admirable trait for damsels in distress, but I assure you I can look after myself."

The Fluffle Puff blew a series of long and short raspberries.

"And I'm sure that the Fluffle here can look after herself too. She wants to be close because she's the primary source of love when I need to charge up my magic. Besides, I have a few tricks up my sleeve that I'm sure this Ice King has never seen before."

"O Jake," said Lady Rainicorn, "nappunman anila dangsingwa hamkke ol geos-ida."

Jake sighed and said, "Well Lady ain't stayin back here either."

"Alright," said Jake, "Who's coming with me and Jake to rescue Princess Twilight?"

"So far, we've got you, me, Lady, the Changeling Queen, the... pink fluff thing..."

Fluffle blew a long raspberry at Jake.

"I agree," said Chrissy.

"Bunhongsaeg geos-eun hwagsilhi isanghan saengmul ibnida," said Lady.

"I agree," said Jake.

"Anywho," added Finn, "The Ice King lives in his Ice Castle in the Ice Kingdom..."

"How... imaginative."

"It's kinda mountainous, so it's a little hard to get there if you can't fly and you aren't a penguin. He also has a fairly extensive prison and dungeon complex for keeping kidnapped Princesses."

"This guy is supposed to be a King, right?" interrupted Dan.

"Yeah, he is."

"So why doesn't he just buy dates like every other King?" asked Dan suspiciously.

"Because you can't use ice as money!" giggled Jake.

"What?!"

"Dude, almost everything in his kingdom other than the food and drink is made of ice," he said as he glanced at Finn, "but we're not really sure how he keeps his kingdom frozen cuz it's not really that cold all the time. The Ice King is really really old and a lot of things... just aren't known about him anymore."

"I'd suggest we all travel on Lady Rainicorn," mused the Changeling Queen, "but that's too obvious. I suggest we split up into groups and approach his castle from three separate directions. I can fly and carry Fluffle. Finn can go with Jake and his... stretchy powers..."

"And I'll go with Lady," interjected Starlight, "She shouldn't be on her own."

"That's a pretty math idea," said Finn.

"You are going to keep Lady safe?" asked Jake as he looked at Starlight.

"I sweat I shall do so on my own life," she replied.

"If we leave right now, we'll be a the Ice King's castle after sunset," observed Finn, "We can use the cover of darkness to our advantage... as long as we're careful about the monsters that come out a night."

"The monsters of the night should be wary of us!"

"Oh, I like confidence," replied Jake.

"I just have a few things to pack up before we go," said Finn as he grabbed his backpack.

...

Meanwhile, at the Ice King's Ice Castle...

...

"Mmmppphhh?!" protested Twilight as she was carried along by the Ice King.

"I'm sure you'll come to love the Ice Kingdom in time," he replied somewhat distantly, "Then you'll fall in love with me and we can start our own royal family."

"MMM!!"

"I have to say you're pretty attractive, my dear," he added.

"HHHMMM!!!"

"See? You're already warming up to me!" he gushed, "I am such a stud."

'I beg to differ!' she thought, 'and so would most of the other Princesses you grab!'

"Once you realize what a deal you're getting with me," he continued, "I'll let you out of the cell and we can share my bed together."

"MMMMMM MMM HHHMMM, UHM MMMPPPHHH!!" This translated to, 'Not a chance, you creep!'

"See?!" he answered, "I can already tell we're going to get along just fine!"

Twilight sighed in defeat. Soon a mountain of ice came into view with the windows forming the shape of triangular eyes and a mouth. She looked down as they passed over a flock of penguins playing in the snow and ice.

"Hey guys and gals," he called down to them.

They looked up at him and waved their fins as he passed over.

"Unfortunately, getting to know you better will have to wait," he mused, "I'm sure that boy Finn and his dog Jake are coming to spoil my plans once more. But this time, they will not succeed! I'll defeat them and get my Princess!"

'Keep dreaming there weirdo. I'm sure my friends are coming to help me too.'

"You probably have no idea what it's like to live for more than a thousand years mostly alone," he sighed as they came closer to their final destination, "The things I've seen come and go. Kingdoms rise and civilizations fall as I watch them."

"Mmm?!"

"That's why I try so hard to get a Princess to love me," he continued, "After centuries of wooing Princess maidens with no success, I have almost no wealth left. When that didn't work, that's when I decided I could kidnap a Princess so she'd fall in love with me for who I am and not what wealth I own."

Twilight began to feel sympathy for the old coot.

"I can feel that you aren't like the others," he mused, "Maybe you're the one who will fall in love with me at last. Perhaps you're the one who can truly make me feel happy."

They soon flew into the 'mouth' of the mountain. He flew down some corridors, through his throne room and into the back where he kept his Princess prison. She notices that there was something else in the cell already.

"Oh my glob, it's about time you came back!" complained... whatever that creature was. It was a lumpy blobbish thing with arms and a face and a gold star on what was most likely a forehead... of sorts.

"Stick a sock in it, Lumpy Space Princess!" he retorted, "I'll feed you soon enough!"

He opened the cell door and tossed Twilight in.

"In the meantime, you can show this new Princess here the ropes!" he said as he slammed the door shut again.

He snapped his fingers as the ice restraints vanished. Then he turned around and began to walk out.

"See you Princesses in the morning," he said with a wave behind him and a more cheery tone in his voice.

"Like so who might you be?" asked LSP.

"I'm Princess Twilight Sparkle from the Kingdom of Equestria," she replied distantly as she thought, 'I could just teleport away now, but I want to know more about this Ice King and why he's so desperately in need of friendship.'

"I never heard of any Kingdom like that," she answered.

"That's because it's in another dimension."

"Oh! Like Lumpy Space!"

"I guess so," replied Twilight slowly.

"What the heck is taking Finn and Jake so long to save me?!" she hissed, "It's like getting totally boring around here! Does the Ice Kink really think he can win over the likes of me with an ice prison and second rate food?!"

"I guess after a thousand years of trying, it's hard to understand what anyone believes anymore."

"Like what-ever!" she grumbled, "Only being stuck in Lumpy Space is more boring that this!"

"Why does he keep doing this when he keeps failing?!"

"Like I don't know," he muttered, "He's like totally out of his mind."

About then, three penguins came in with two of them carrying trays. One of them seemed to be in charge of the other two. Each tray had some fruit on a plate and something in a cup. They slide the trays under the bars to Twilight and LSP. Then they just turned around and left without comment.

"Well I guess it's better than nothing," said Twilight as she picked up a small red fruit and bit into it. She remembered how the food she ate at Finn and Jake's place made her upchuck because of how bad it tasted. Then she sipped the drink and guess it was just water with a touch of some kind of liquor added to keep it sterile and safe to drink.

"FIne!" grumbled LSP as she started eating too, "Whatever!" Then she paused to call, "Come on, Finn and Jake! Where are you?!"

"I take it you like those two?"

"Like totally no!" she grumbled, "but they're like two of the biggest heroes in the Land of Ooo."

"That's funny... in the land I come from, me and my friends are the biggest heroes of the land... more or less."

LSP shrugged.

"I just hope we can find a way back home soon," she sighed, "but we need someone good at magic and I've been told that the Ice King... he can't be trusted."

"Like totally!"

Dan Vs. Adventure Time (Part Three)

by neorenamon

The three groups made their way north in pursuit of the Ice King and their hopes of rescuing Twilight from his frozen clutches. They all stayed close together because it was still dangerous to cross the land between Finn and Jake's home and the lair of the Ice King. Monsters could be expected to appear at any time and any place along the way.

The Fluffle Puff blew one long raspberry followed by a few short ones.

"Yes," agreed Chrissy, "If that frozen fool has harmed our Twilight in any way, I shall take great pleasure in harming him."

She blew a few short raspberries followed by a gasp.

"Yes, I wasn't so nice myself at one time. I tried to usurp Cadance's rightful place as a Princess and enslave Shining Armor as my own. But that was before I met you. Before I knew what love really was. I've... changed since then. I can see now that love is more than something you can exploit for just food or power."

...

Meanwhile, back at Finn and Jake's place

...

Mordecai and Margaret were searching Finn's stuff for some clothing she could wear. They were carefully searching through his dresser without disturbing things as much as possible.

"This is definitely the pad of a bachelor," mused the robin as she looked through the piles of clothing at the side of the bed, "Being naked like this is starting to get embarrassing."

"Well I think you look gorgeous like that," he replied softly.

She blushed a bit as she replied, "Oh go on. I'm not really that beautiful."

"No, I'm serious about that," he replied a little more forcefully.

"It's kind of funny how we've been living so close to each other for so long, but I had no idea that you thought of me as anything more than just casual friends."

"I was always afraid to tell you how I felt about you because I knew... the moment I said something... it was going to change. Probably going to change for the worse."

"It was partly my fault too," she sighed, "I should have noticed something before now, but I was wrapped up in my own problems. How I want go to College and get away from my Coffee Shop job. I want more than just working in the service industry."

"Funny, I've wanted more than just my park service job for some time as well."

"Maybe when I find a College town to move to, you can come with me? We could study together."

"I barely passed the public school system," he replied, "It takes some brains and education to get into College."

"They can teach you what you need to know even after you get there. There's nothing wrong with filling in gaps in your education after you're admitted," she said softly as she looked at him, "I'll even help you catch up for higher education courses."

"Wow," he answered, "I... I don't know what I've done to deserve someone as wonderful as you."

She stepped closer to him as she said, "You don't have to do anything. That's the point."

He turned and stepped towards her... just as he tripped on the throw rug. To his dismay, he pushed her back down on Finn's bed. Their beaks collided as if they were kissing. But then she wrapped her arms about him and dragged him into a real kiss. It lasted a few moments before she paused.

"Mordecai," she said softly, "Your hand is smooshing my breast."

He looked down in shock to realized that one hand was covering her breast as he used her body to prop himself up. It had all but covered her right tit even as it seemed like he was groping it.

"I'm so sorry!" he replied, but before he could pull his hand back, she put one of her hands on top of his. She stopped him from taking his hand back.

"It's okay," she said as she pressed his hand down a little more firmly, "You aren't hurting me or anything. In fact, it feels... kinda good."

"Really?" he asked as he leaned in to kiss her again.

After they stopped kissing again, she said, "I know this is sudden, but... I was wondering if..." Her voice trailed off into nothing.

"Uh-huh..."

"Could you..." she stammered as her cheeks turned red.

"Uh-huh..."

She looked away from him as she tried to continue. "Now that... we're like this..." she said as she pressed his hand down more firmly on her own breast.

He was blushing hotly as well as he felt her up.

"Hey Mordecai!" called Rigby as he came up the stairs, "Did you find any?.." He suddenly stopped and blinked as he saw Mordecai feeling up Margaret's breast with him on top. "Oh, are you two gonna do the nasty?!"

"Annnnd..." he sighed, "The moment has passed."

"Totally," she replied as he got off her.

...

Back on the way to confront Ice King

...

"So you want to know more about Equestria?" asked Starlight as she rode on the back of Lady Rainicorn. Fortunately, she knew a small translation spell that allowed her to understand Lady Rainicorn and speak back.

"Jolangmal ui se jongjog e daehae jom deo jasehi malhae," replied Lady.

"Oh yes, the three races of Equestria. There's others, but in the lands controlled by Celestia, the dominant pony races are Earth ponies, Pegasus and Unicorns."

"Daleun jongjog i ppunman anila iissda?"

"Yes, there are several other races who are either a minority or come from a different land altogether. Some are more welcome than others, like donkeys for example. They work hard and they're welcome almost everywhere in the land, but they don't seem to have as much interest in making large families. For some reason, they tend to be more... loners. On the other hand, changelings are feared and despised almost everywhere. They live off the love of others without really giving anything back in return."

"Haji dangsin-ui chingu geu changelings jung hanaibnida?"

"Yes, she was their Queen for a long time," she replied, "but now she's... different. She's still not accepted very well by other ponies, but now that she's under the protection of an Equestrian Princess, there's not much that can be done about it anymore... We all have those times that we're not... entirely proud of."

"Dangsin-i museun jis-eul?"

"I tried to force other ponies to live by the way I thought they should. They were agreeable at first, but then they began to rebel... because I was controlling them so tightly. I didn't realize that many of them wanted their cutie marks back until Twilight and her friends came along. They drove me away and everyone else got their marks back. But me... I never lost my mark. I couldn't give it up because it was my power... my gift with magic... that allowed me to take what made them special in the first place."

"Jeug, aju joh-eun solileulhaji anhseubnida."

"No," she sighed, "It wasn't very nice... Then I spent months plotting my revenge against them. Revising an old spell I found in the Canterlot Library just so I could go back in time and make Twilight suffer. Her and all of her friends. What I didn't know was that by stopping the Elements of Harmony from uniting, I was dooming Equestria to a number of horrible fates."

"Sigan gwa honlan e wiheomhan il-ida."

"Yes, time is something I should have never messed with," she said as she looked down, "but Twilight forgave me of my tresspasses and she took me under her wing in spite of all the bad things I tried to do to her... to her friends... to Equestria. That's... part of the reason I have to help get her back from this Ice King."

"Dangsin-eun beomjoe gwageoui dangsin-eul wihae yongseoleul chugu?"

"Yes, I want to make up for my past crimes... more than anything."

...

The Ice King sat at his table looking over his book of stories.

"Whak?" asked Gunter the penguin standing next to him

"Huh?" asked the Ice King as he looked down, "I couldn't sleep so I decided to add another chapter to my story about that alternate Land of Ooo I created. How I went to that land and how Fionna couldn't help but fall in love with me. But that nasty little friend of hers, Cake, keeps trying and failing to split us up."

"Wakk," he replied.

"Oh shut up," he muttered as he went back to writing, "Everyone's a critic."

He glanced down at his book again.

"Now where was I?" he asked of no one in particular, then he switched to a girly voice as he said, "'Oh no, Ice King!' said Fionna, 'You're not forcing yourself on me! I'm forcing myself on YOU!' She pushed the Ice King deeper into bed as she crawled atop him."

Gunter slapped his face with his fin.

"Hey!" he protested, "It could happen!"

"Waahk," he said.

"Princess Twilight?" asked the Ice King, "Of course I'll check on her in the morning. You think I'm irresponsible or something?" He paused before he blurt out, "Don't answer that!"

"WaaAAAk."

"Cocoa? I'd love some cocoa, Gunter," he said as the penguin began leaving, "Make sure you use plenty of those little marshmallows I live so much." Then he paused before adding, "And make sure it's not over 98 degrees this time! You know I hate it if you make it too hot!"

...

"Okay Jake," said Finn as he rode his orange stretchy dog, "We sneak in and free Twilight before any of the others get there. He should be asleep by now so this shouldn't be that hard."

"Maybe we could use the others as a distraction?" he asked back. With his legs stretched out a good hundred feet or so, they were coming up on the Ice King's fortress/castle at great speed.

"No way! I don't want anyone else involved in this any more than they have to! The Ice King can be dangerous when cornered and I don't want anyone else hurt fighting him!"

"Yeah! Once Twilight is freed, we can take them to the Candy Kingdom and see if PB can help them get back home with her science and stuff like that."

"If anyone can help them, it's my Princess Bubblegum."

"Uh... your Princess?" he asked as he raised an eyebrow.

"I mean... she's pretty much my... you know... Princess and stuff!" he protested, "You know what I meant to say, Jake!"

"I knew it!" said Jake, "You're on the rebound from Flame Princess and you want to get together with PB!"

"No way!!" he cried.

"I bet you that the Princess and I would be a great team too: The Adventures of PB & J!"

"That doesn't even make any sense," he replied, "Are you gonna write some silly fan story like the Ice King tried to?!"

"No way! I'm just spitballing over here!"

"Feh. No one would ever take something like that seriously," muttered Finn.

Dan Vs. Adventure Time (Part Four)

by neorenamon

"You in the mountain... fortress... castle... Whatever you call that thing!" came a voice from outside the Ice King's window.

"Am I expecting company?" asked the Ice King as he sipped his cocoa.

"Waaak," replied the little penguin minion.

"Oh, it this is just another one of those Candy Kid Scouts selling those blasted cookies..." he grumbled as he walked towards the window. He looked out to see two creatures that he had never seen anywhere in the land of Ooo before. One hovered on clear insectoid wings while the other, a large ball of pink fluff, seemed to be clinging to the other's back. "Who might you be, and why are you bothering the Great and Powerful Ice King at this time of the night?"

"Are you normally disrespectful to a visiting Queen and her... loyal minion?!" she asked back.

"Queen?!" he asked, "I've never heard of you before. What land to you hail from?"

"I am a Queen in the land of Equestria... which is no doubt very very far away from here."

The pink fluff blew a series of long and short raspberries followed by a gasp.

"Of course it's true," she replied, "but we can speak of that later. We must recover our Princess."

"Your Princess?"

"Do not deny you have her!" she hissed back, "You were seen kidnapping her this very eve by numerous eyewitnesses!"

"Oh, you must mean the purple one with the wings and the horn."

"Of course!" she snapped, "Return her to me at once!"

"Well for your information, you're in MY kingdom and my rule is absolute!"

"Theft and kidnapping are crimes across all borders! I demand Princess Twilight Sparkle's return or you shall suffer my displeasure!"

"Keep threatening me and you shall suffer my frozen wrath!"

The pink fluff blew a series of long and short raspberries followed by a gasp.

"Wow, listening to that pink creature is even harder than listening to Gunter."

"Wak?!" asked the penguin.

"Nothing!" he replied quickly.

"My... ambassador here... She informs me that as nobility, we are obligated to... speak diplomatically... before we can properly engage each other in war."

"Negotiate, you say?" he asked as he scratched his beard, "Usually Finn and Jake just break in here and try to kick my..."

"I'm sure the tales of past defeats are amusing, but I believe Ambassador Fluffle here has brought appropriate... negotiation materials with her."

"Where?!" he asked as he stared at the pink creature.

"It would take to long to explain."

"Fine!" he grumbled, "I shall send Gunter here to greet you properly at the front door."

"Fine!" she muttered back as she flew down towards the opening she assumed was the front door.

Fluffle blew one long raspberry.

"Ah, that is a devious plan indeed," she replied, "I approve of your choice."

She gasp.

"Yes, you are very devoted to your friends... even Dan."

Soon she was at the front door where Gunter was waiting for them. He put a long trumpet to his beak and blew a rather awful sounding noise at them.

"Are you sure this isn't some kind of sonic attack?!" she asked as she glanced back at the Fluffle.

She gave a gasp in response.

"Culture?!" she replied, "I guess so."

Soon the noise stopped and the horn lowered.

She cleared her throat before announcing, "Before we take audience with the Ice King, we need to make ourselves more presentable. Please take us to the nearest bathroom facility."

"Wwwaaak," he replied.

Fluffle gasp.

"Why am I not surprised that you can speak to penguins from another dimension," she sighed.

The penguin turned and walked away while the two followed close behind. They travelled down a few passages and bypassed a few doors along the way. Soon he stopped before a doorway and pointed at it with his flipper.

"Must be unisex," she muttered as she walked in.

Fluffle and Gunter stood outside the door and took to staring at each other as they waited.

"Wak?"

She replied with a gasp.

"Waahhk whak wawk?"

She blew a short raspberry.

"Wak waawwwk..." he replied awkwardly.

She blew a long raspberry.

He looked about as if he might get in trouble before he replied, "Wak."

She responded with two short raspberries and a gasp. Glancing back at the bathroom door, she added another gasp.

"Waaak," he said as he took her away.

A moment passed before the two were out of hearing range, and then the bathroom door opened to reveal 'Princess Twilight Sparkle'. Taking into account what she perceived his tastes would be, she appeared wearing naught but a smile.

"Time to distract a Princess obsessed old foal," she said as she head up to where she figured he was waiting.

...

"Okay Jake," mused Finn aloud, "We know his Princess dungeon isn't far from his room, but that window is too obvious. Even if he only has one penguin watching that way in, we'd be totally busted."

"Maybe he's sleeping by now," replied Jake.

"Considering the number of times we've beaten him, I don't think he's going to take foolish chances like that anymore."

"We're talking about the Ice King, right?"

"I guess we are," replied Finn as he scratched the back of his hat.

"But if you want to ninja our way through the other window, that's cool too!"

"Yeah! Ninja stuff!"

"We're totally awesome when we do that ninja stuff!"

"I just wish Flame Princess was here too," sighed Finn, "She's really good with her Flame Magic."

"Well I think it's going to be a long time before she's willing to come around you again... considering..."

"Yeah," he sighed more deeply, "Considering... Sometimes, just saying you sorry or even being sorry... just ain't enough."

"You two were the hottest couple!" giggled Jake. He paused before he added, "Too soon?"

Finn nodded.

"Well you need to get your head back in the game," he said as he approached the Ice King's domicile, "We're almost there."

"Ice King: I swear that I'm going to get that Princess Twilight Sparkle back from you. You won't hurt my friends any more."

"Dude pact!" said Jake as he 'fist bumped' Finn.

"I just hope Twilight hasn't been too traumatized by the Ice King's attempts to entertain her..."

"Well I suppose if there's any other captured Princesses in there, they could... you know... support each other."

"I guess so..."

...

The Ice King glanced at his icy clock on his table and scratched his beard thoughtfully. "Maybe Finn and Jake aren't going to rescue that new Princess tonight," he mused, "I wonder if she's really that important to them..." Then he paused to scribble down a few more sentences as he tested them aloud. "'Oh Ice King,' moaned Fionna, 'Your icy manhood is just too much for me to bear. Stop trying to stick all of that into my hot moist body all at once.'" He then resumed scratching his chin as he said, "Damn I'm good."

"May I enter?" asked a voice behind him.

He spun in his chair to see the head of Twilight looking around the corner of the doorframe at him.

"How did you escape my inescapable cell?!" asked the Ice King in surprise.

In response, she blinked from one side of the doorway to the other. "Silly Ice King," she chided him, "I could have teleported away from this place at any time."

"Then why are you still hanging around here?!" he asked suspiciously, "Are you trying to steal my crown?!"

"Oh no," she replied as she stepped into the open and showed her whole naked body to him, "You're... just so fascinating."

"Who?! Me?!"

"Of course you," she giggled, "I don't see any other royalty in this room."

"Wow," he sighed as he looked her over, "Even in that shade of purple... you're just so gorgeous!"

"I bet you that you tell that to all us kidnapped Princesses," she laughed.

"Well... not really," he mused as he scratched his chin, "Although I must admit that Bubblegum Princess and Marceline the Vampire Queen are also a pair of hotties."

"But they aren't here right now, and I am," she replied as she gave him a hungry look.

He reached back to close the book containing his latest fanfiction and then stood up.

"So... just to be clear," he said as he walked towards her, "You aren't scared of my sharp pointy teeth?"

"All the better to nibble me with," she moaned softly.

"And you aren't scared that I'm going to turn you into an ice statue?" he continued as he stepped closer.

"My passion for you is like the sun," she replied hotly, "Surely a little ice won't slow me down."

"You're not related to the Fire Princess?" he asked as he hesitated.

"Princess of Magic and Friendship," she replied, "but I'm no Princess of Fire."

"And you aren't creeped out by how old I am?"

"Age is like wine," she answered as she drew up to the edge of his beard, "It only gets better over time."

"WOW!!" he declared, "After all this time and all the Princesses I've kept here, you're the first who's ever expressed... an interest in me."

"Then all of those other Princesses surely have been missing out," she said as she stroked his beard, "It's their loss really."

"Say?" he asked suddenly, "What happened to Lumpy Space Princess? You didn't set her free, did you?"

"Only if she managed to escape on her own," she sighed back, "I lifted not a finger to aid her."

"Come to think of it," he replied as he looked up at apparently nothing, "I've wondered what I really see in her. Even if she was willing, she could still bite me and turn me into one of those... lumpy people from her own dimension. And that attitude of hers... She's so full of herself."

"They would have made me... the Princess of Love," she purred as she rubbed her body against his massive white beard, "but that title was already held by another."

"Princess of Love?!" he asked as if he couldn't quite believe that was possible.

"Why don't we move this discussion," she said softly, "to your bedroom?"

"Oh, it's lucky it's not all that far from here, is it?"

"Indeed," she replied as he hugged her tight and started walking to another doorway. The bed was clearly visible in a matter of seconds.

"I take it this isn't your first time?"

"Oh no," she replied, "Be gentle with me or rough. It doesn't matter. I've had it both ways and I like it."

"I can't believe my good fortune!" he announced, "This is like the best kidnapping I've ever done!"

"And hopefully the last," she whispered.

"What was that?"

"I said, 'I hope it will last'," she replied louder.

Dan Vs. Adventure Time (Part Five)

by neorenamon

Twilight paced about her cell listening to the ramblings of Lumpy Space Princess. It wasn't like she couldn't have used a distraction from her current situation, but still she was somewhat amazed at how LSP could ramble on for hour after hour about herself as well as a bunch of other things completely irrelevant to the situation. She wondered how much she was making her friends worry. As much as she just wished to teleport away, she was stuck in an odd situation she felt had to be resolved before she could leave. She wondered if LSP was truly the prisoner of the Ice King, or she was just hanging out there because everything else was so boring to her.

"And that's when my parents forbid me from seeing Brad again!" hissed LSP, "My parents are like totally squares. Don't you agree?!"

Twilight snapped out of her reverie as she replied, "Uh... I've never met your parents, so I have no idea. Besides... is being square bad? How can someone even be square?"

"Of course you can be square," she grumbled, "Being square totally sucks!"

Twilight imagined herself as a square and wondered how she could do anything if forced into such a shape.

"Do you like totally have a boyfriend?" she asked as she floated closer to Twilight.

"Boyfriend?" she replied, "Oh no... I have far too many duties as a Princess for such familial relations."

"Duties?!" asked LSP, "Well that must totally bite!"

"All of Equestria depends on me being there to do my job," she answered as she turned to look at LSP, "Who knows what's gone wrong since I've been taken to other dimensions?"

"Little full of yourself?"

"I've seen alternate timelines where me and my friends never came together," she sighed as she turned away, "None of them turned out well at all."

"That must be a totally sucky burden," replied LSP, "but why are you and your friends so special?"

"Because together, we are the bearers of the Elements of Harmony."

"Elements of whatnow?" she asked as she floated closer.

"The most powerful relics in Equestria," she replied as she leaned against the bars, "Each bearer must embody the Element that the gem represents or chaos will reign."

"Embody?"

"Yes, like me. I am the Element of Magic."

"So like you're some kind of magic woman?" she asked quite curiously. For once, she seemed to take an interest in something other than herself and her own problems.

"I'm no Starswirl the Bearded," she sighed, "but I hope one day to take on his legacy as the greatest practitioner of magic in the realm."

"Say, is this Starswirl..."

"He's been... gone... for hundreds of years before I was even born," replied Twilight as she rolled her eyes.

"Dang," she muttered, "I always totally miss out."

"I suppose if Princess Celestia wasn't so busy ruling..."

"Your country is run by a Princess?" she asked, "Don't you have like a King or Queen or something?"

"Come to think of it, I've never understood myself why Celestia just doesn't make herself Queen of Equestria."

"You never asked?"

"Well no," replied Twilight, "I was too busy studying magic and taking on responsibilities to... think about asking such things."

"Well if you ask me, something fishy's going on and YOU need to find out the truth! It's probably like way too much work... for me to go to your country... like totally not my problem anyways."

"As soon as I get home," she replied as she looked back at LSP, "I will find the truth!"

Just then, she heard a short gasp. Looking towards the door, she noticed the Fluffle Puff and some penguin with her.

"Where's Chrissy?" she asked as she looked at the Fluffle.

The pink one blew a series of long and short raspberries in response ending in a gasp.

"You think the Changeling Queen is seducing the Ice King to keep him distracted from his prisoners?!" asked Twilight in mild alarm.

"Wak," said the penguin.

The Fluffle gasp.

"Well I guess it makes sense he's never bedded a Queen before," she replied, "but what if he realizes he's been tricked?! His ice powers... they're pretty formidable!"

The Fluffle gasp again.

"Do you understand what either of these two are saying?!" asked LSP annoyed.

"I've been around the Fluffle... the pink one... long enough to get most of what she says," replied Twilight as she looked from Fluffle to LSP and back, "So are you ready to bust out of here?"

"Yeah," she answered, "I figured at least Finn and Jake would have tried to rescue me by now."

"Maybe they didn't even know you were here," mused Twilight, "but I'm pretty sure they'll come for me."

"How can you be sure?"

"Because the Ice King kidnapped me from Finn and Jake's place."

"Uh," grumbled LSP, "It's hard to be Princessnapped right from Finn and Jake's place. You're so lucky."

"I... guess that's one way to look at it."

Fluffle gasp.

"Oh, we don't have to wait for keys," she replied as she touched LSP. In a flash of light, the two of them appeared outside the icy bars.

"Like you could have done that at any time!?" asked LSP.

Twilight ignored the question as she asked Fluffe, "Can your friend here take us to the Ice King's bedchambers?"

"Whak!" replied the penguin as the Fluffle gasp.

"Oh, it's nice to meet you too, Gunter," she said as she followed the two of them out. To her surprised, LSP was following them. It didn't take long to find the King's bedchambers, and even less time to hear strange sounds coming from it. She looked about the doorframe into the room to see herself naked and half buried in the Ice King's beard. He was on his back as he lay in his own bed.

"Chrissy?!" she asked in dismay, "What are you doing?!"

"Chrissy?!" asked the Ice King as he looked at the woman on top of him, "I thought you were Twilight!"

"I'm sorry... if I misled you," she sighed as she changed back to the Changeling Queen.

"Oh don't be sorry," he replied, "I think you're even hotter looking like this!"

"You... really think so?" she asked as she blushed a bit.

"Oh yeah!" he grunted as he latched his hands onto her breasts.

"Well... I guess you aren't in trouble..." said Twilight softly.

"The King and I..." panted Chrissy, "We're just negotiating for your release..."

"You can stay to watch if you want," said the Ice King, "I wouldn't mind."

"That's... quite the icicle you have there," she added as she began moving her butt up and down. With all of the Ice King's beard in the way, Twilight couldn't see what was going on underneath.

"Wak!" said Gunter as he used his flipper to cover the Fluffle Puff's eyes.

"We'll... just wait outside..." said Twilight awkwardly as she stepped towards the open doorway, "Until you're done... with those delicate negotiations."

Gunter towed Fluffle along behind as the three of them left the room.

"Princess Twilight?!" asked Finn as he charged into the room with Jake in tow, "Are you alright?!"

"We're fine," she replied, "Queen Chrysalis... she's negotiating with the Ice King... for my release."

"That means like she's totally doing the Ice King!" added LSP.

Finn blushed as Jake said, "Wow, he finally bagged royalty?! I guess his bad luck can't last forever."