Waiter There's A Bomb In My Soup

by T W Hoof

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Adventure, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3723

Accidents happen, coincidences occur. Wherever Gourmet Palate goes though, downright suspicious events follow.

Anyone can attest that no matter how skilled a chef may be and how tight a kitchen they run, occasionally something can go awry. A pinch to much salt in the soup, an untossed salad wilting from an extra helping of dressing, or heaven forbid the wrong plate arriving at a patrons table. Anyone that is save Gourmet Palate.

When Gourmet Palate is invited to an event he provides only the most delectable dishes befreit of such amateur mistakes. Instead a string of suspicious events follows him wherever he travels.

Published 2016-04-06 08:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-06 08:20:01 UTC

Time to Kick It Up a Notch, BAM!

The souffle exploded.

* * *

Three Days Earlier

White linen table cloths bordered with floral designs draped the four tables in the ostentatiously decorated room. The soft buzz of a dozen different conversations filled the air while guests waited for their host to arrive. In the center of the room, the faint smell of liquor wafted from a ridiculous chocolate fountain.

None of this mattered to Gourmet Palate. Lighting his horn he began reaching for his pocket watch before stifling his action. Remaining inconspicuous was more important than a precise time check despite the tight schedule he was on. His gaze drifting around the room Gourmet Palate noticed he wasn't the only one growing impatient. One couple nearly hidden behind the fountain in the back of the room was sneaking a peek in his direction when they thought he wasn't looking.

Moments after Gourmet Palate started genuinely worrying his plan would have to be thrown out like last week's catch, at last, Opal Broach waddled into the room. With practiced ease Gourmet Palate checked over his wait staff ensuring they were prepared. A quick adjustment to Silver Platter's tie and everypony was ready if only that blasted buffoon would ever stop his blathering.

A furtive motion drew his eye. The last colt in line was in the middle of sneaking a basil leaf from the salad. Fixing him with a steely-eyed glare Gourmet Palate waited while every member of the wait staff slowly followed his gaze to the unfortunate colt. With a yelp the colt froze and dropped the basil, firmly fixing his eyes on his hooves to avoid Gourmet Palate's cold stare.

Throwing open the doors Gourmet Palate walked into the room allowing the wait staff to stream past him. Each bearing a large covered silver platter. Gourmet Palate squared his stance and proudly raised his chin. "Ladies and gentleponies I proudly present for your pleasure my specially prepared Panzanella Salad." Gourmet Palate raised his hoof and lit his horn simultaneously lifting every lid and revealing the dish to everypony. As the last member of the wait staff filed past him out the door, Gourmet Palate bowed to the room. "Thank you everypony, and thank you, Mr. Broach, for the opportunity to serve such a lovely bunch of ponies."

Leaving through the double doors a great weight seemed to lift from Gourmet Palate's shoulders. Whistling a happy tune to himself he carefully closed the doors behind him. Best to prevent anypony from disturbing the guests while they enjoyed his meticulously prepared meal. Nopony noticed the soft click when the doors locked not even Gourmet Palate. Soon after he left if anypony had been around they would have experienced something horrifying. Beneath the locked doors a flickering light could be seen. It grew in seconds to resemble the light cast by Princess Celestia's birthday cake. Moments later the muffled sound of violent sneezing and a smattering of coughs filled the air. Of course, nopony was around.

The peace of a job well done lasted less than a minute.

A furious clippity-clop preceded a young colt dashing to a stop before Gourmet Palate. "Mr. Palate sir, there's a message for you at the front desk."

Sighing, Gourmet Palate's dreams of sleep vanished like the last remaining eclair at a party. Resigning himself, he followed the colt.

Waiting for him at the front desk were Thin Slice and a white pegasus. A female white pegasus. Of course. Maybe just this once Thin Slice wouldn't be himself. As if there was any chance of that.

Spotting him, Thin Slice galloped over to Gourmet Palate and threw an arm around his neck bringing their heads together. "Boss," he whispered, "Help me out here, Snowy's the one."

"Who?"

Thin Slice pointed a pinion over his shoulder. "Her, that courier, Snowy Haze."

Divesting himself of Thin Slice, Gourmet Palate approached Snowy. "Ms. Haze, I was told you have a message for me?"

"Mr. Gourmet Palate?" She said.

Gourmet Palate nodded.

Snowy Haze pulled a letter out of her courier pouch while keeping an eye on Thin Slice who was busy twiddling his feathers while making some interesting faces at the mare.

Taking the letter, Gourmet Palate turned away before being interrupted by a polite cough.

Snowy Haze stood there expectantly. "I'm being paid a small ransom to bring your response immediately." Looking pointedly at the letter she continued. "It's from the palace."

Opening the letter Gourmet Palate skimmed the page. He was being asked to make his way to Canterlot by royal request regarding a job. After going over the letter a second time trying to wheedle out any hidden meaning he decided.

"Ms. Haze, please relay that I will be on the next train to Canterlot," he said.

A smile on her face, an eager to escape Snowy Haze rocketed across the lobby and out the door leaving behind a dismayed Thin Slice. Her parting words echoing faintly. "I play for the other team!"

* * *

Stepping off the train through a cloud of steam onto the busy Canterlot platform Gourmet Palate was greeted by an odd sight. A lone royal guard holding a sign with his name on it. Dodging past a gaggle of giggling fillies Gourmet Palate walked over to the guard. After identifying himself to the guard, Potato Peeler escorted him to a waiting carriage.

Following a brisk ride up the mountain Gourmet Palate was handed off to yet another guard waiting at the palace. After being whisked through a series of checkpoints Gourmet Palate found himself deep within the inner palace. Not that he was in what anypony would mistake for a chamber the princesses normally held their audiences. Or even a room that looked like it was anything other than a nearly empty storage room. Nearly empty that is except for a table and two chairs. On one chair which was already occupied sat the largest royal guard Gourmet Palate had ever seen. Upon hearing the door slam shut the guards head rotated like a heavy turret until his gaze fell on Gourmet Palate with the weight of an artillery strike. Lifting one hoof that had more business being used as a battering ram than attached to a pony he pointed at the empty chair.

Gourmet Palate backed up until he bumped into the now locked door. "I think there's been some mistak—"

The guard pointed again at the chair and spoke with the gravelly voice of an earthquake. "No mistake."

Avoiding any sudden movements Gourmet Palate slowly took a seat across from the mountain.

"Mr. Palate," a female voice said, "I have a few question to which I require answers."

Puzzled Gourmet Palate looked around the room for another pony.

The same disembodied voice spoke again. "Focus Mr. Palate."

The mountain slammed his hoof onto and into the table with a flat crack. "Focus."

"Tell me about Thin Slice." The voice said.

"My vegetable cook," Gourmet Palate asked, "what about him?"

Gourmet Palate shied away when the force of nature slid a file towards him. Flipping open the file with Thin Slice's face on it Gourmet Palate read what sounded like a story from a colt's comic book. Bladed Demon of the East, He Who Cuts the Wind, Bane of Neigh Orleans. That last one wasn't entirely fair, it wasn't only Thin Slice's fault that mare's father took his advances the wrong way. Actually no. It was his fault, still though, Bane of Neigh Orleans was taking it a tad far.

"What do you want me to say, this reads like fiction, bad fiction." Gourmet Palate said.

"Tell me about yourself," the voice said, "what about the stories that follow you?"

Sitting as up as straight as he could Gourmet Palate said, "Baseless accusations and rubbish, I assure you."

"Even the Neighvada Incident?" She said.

"I can not be held accountable if the venue chose to provide me with substandard ingredients." Gourmet Palate said.

Across the table from Gourmet Palate the mountain stirred. Leaning forward he loomed over Gourmet Palate like an approaching avalanche.

"How," the voice said, "do you know Victor Kronson?"

Gourmet Palate narrowed his eyes. "Who?" He said flatly.

"King Victor Kronson, Ruler of Sudramoar," the voice said, "what is your connection to him?"

"What in Equestria are you referring to?" Gourmet Palate said.

The voice didn't answer. Instead, the mountain stood and pushed open the door. Before Gourmet Palate could leave the voice spoke one last time. "We'll be watching." She said. The mountain smashed his hooves together with the force of two runaway trains before shoving Gourmet Palate out of the room.

As soon as Gourmet Palate had collected himself he sighed. Yet another guard stood waiting for him.

Looking at him stoically the guard said, "Follow me."

This time, there were no detours. The guard led Gourmet Palate straight to a small audience room. Waiting inside were, of course, more guards as well as Princess Celestia, and oddly enough a gryphon. Princess Celestia smiled and stood. "Thank you for coming Gourmet Palate."

Gourmet Palate bowed. "I would never say no to you Princess."

"I am pleased to hear that Gourmet Palate," Princess Celestia said eyes twinkling, "my personal aide Raven will provide you with the details."

Princess Celestia swept out of the room taking most of the guards with her.

Raven, wasting no time, primly marched up to Gourmet Palate herding him over to the gryphon.

Raven pointed at the gryphon then Gourmet Palate. "Balthasar Gerardts, Gourmet Palate" Then back again. "Gourmet Palate, Balthasar Gerardts"

"Balthasar," Raven said, "will be your rotisseur."

"Pardon me," Gourmet Palate spoke up, "why do I need a rotisseur?"

Waving a sheaf of paper Raven explained. "As you may know, casualties have been mounting on both sides of the war." Flipping to another sheet she continued, "Through the miracle of diplomacy and coffee, so much coffee, both sides have agreed to hold a Peace Summit. Every effort is being made to cut the war short before it expands further."

Gesturing at Balthasar, Raven said, "Balthasar is the personal rotisseur of King Kronson. You were personally requested by the King himself and Balthasar has been provided to fill the gap in your staff."

Raven coxed a map out of her stack of papers. "The Peace Summit will be held in the Island Kingdom of Eybarmir. Both Princesses, King Kronson, and King Randal will be attending."

"Who and what else do you need?" Raven asked. "We have a transportation scheduled to leave in 14 hours."

Gourmet Palate closed his eyes thinking.

"Thin Slice my entremetier, Delightful Trim my pastry chef, and Refined Taste my under chef are all essential to my signature experience." He said. Pursing his lips he continued, "What about wait staff, will they be provided?"

"Yes and no," Raven said, "it was decided that fillies, colts, and gryphlets related to the diplomats and guards would be used. They aren't professional by any means, however, they embody why peace is important to each of us."

"Will that be a problem?" Raven asked.

Gourmet Palate shook his head. "Not at all. I will merely have to make a few adjustments."

* * *

The journey to Eybarmir turned out to be a complicated mess. The first leg through Equestria by train was simple enough, for the most part. The one problem which reared its head was quickly struck down by a surprisingly helpful Balthasar. Who knew what a useful device a diplomatic pouch could be.

After leaving Equestria traveling became much more interesting. A large complement of guards ushered Gourmet Palate and his team between a series of increasingly foreign ships. The biggest hurdle occurred on the last leg of the journey. While being loaded Thin Slice's crate of custom cutlery cracked scattering blades across the deck. Grote Pier the crusty old gryphon captain was none to pleased. A few of the gryphons wearing Island colors looked a mite unconformable during the captain's tirade. An amused looking Balthasar started muttering a translation under his breath to the discomfort of Thin Slice. It took Wind Break promising double the captains normal rate before he would agree to carry our cargo.

* * *

The night of the ceremonial dinner arrived in a rush. Most of Gourmet Palate's normal choreography had been scrapped. He had neither the time nor the staffing to attempt it. Still, what the little ones lacked in skill they more than made for in adorableness. Even those rascally little gryphlets.

A two-level room was to host the dinner. The high walls were fashioned from volcanic rock. The second level had an open hallway overlooking the room. Natural light filtered down from the large windows above him. Already Gourmet Palate could see pairs of guards patrolling along the walkways casting shadows down below. Decorating the otherwise bare walls were the flags of the three nations meeting today.

In the center of the room three enormous mahogany tables were arranged in a triangle. After double checking the size of the doors, Gourmet Palate was sure they must have been teleported directly into the room. Whistling to himself Gourmet Palate wondered if those unicorns would be available later in the day. He had an idea he would like to run by them. For now, though he continued his circuit of the room envisioning the four rulers sitting before him.

* * *

That evening the room was transformed during an extended sunset. The brilliant colors streaming in through the high windows gave the previously plain walls an inner glow. All of the ponies and gryphons were bathed in the ambient radiance. Princess Celestia was speaking in hushed tones to her sister while keeping a discreet eye on the rest of the room. King Randal pointedly ignored his counterpart, while King Kronson cast about jaundiced eyes.

At a signal from Raven, Gourmet Palate put on his best face and motioned to all the little ones behind him. Gourmet Palate nearly broke out into polite laughter at how hard they were all trying to look serious for him. Best not to ruin it. Gourmet Palate stood aside and threw open the doors. The younglings streamed into the room under the guards watchful eyes bounding between the tables to find their assigned guest. Instead of a simultaneous revealing, the first course appeared here and there a few plates at a time. While the Princesses and King Randal thanked their servers with genuine smiles, King Kronson stared down his beak at the poor filly serving him as if he'd rather eat her.

Gourmet Palate made a mental note to switch King Kronson's servers to gryphlets for the rest of the evening. A bit of commotion sprang up between Princess Luna and King Kronson. King Kronson's stink-eye had been noticed and Princess Luna was returning it with a vengeance.

"This salad lacks gumption. Which is only to be expected from ponies." King Kronson sneered.

"Mr. Palate," Princess Luna said, "Bring us something to 'kick it up a notch' as they say!"

Shaking his head internally Gourmet Palate nodded to the princess. Even now world leaders comported themselves like foals. Grabbing a nearby salad spritzer he approached the princess presenting her with a bottle of Flaming Starfish Hot Sauce. Carefully he extracted a single drop. Mixing it with the existing vinaigrette in the salad spritzer he gave the salad bowl a healthy spritzing. Princess Luna appeared pleased by all the warnings on the bottle and was smiling widely until King Kronson caught her eye again. "Perhaps the Princess would best be served at the foals table," he said with a disdainful sniff.

Princess Luna's eyes narrowed. Before Gourmet Palate could blink she grabbed the bottle from him, upending it over her salad. Gourmet Palate's heart nearly stopped. Tapping the last drop from the bottle Princess Luna sat back with a smug smile on her face. Which quickly disappeared when first a hissing then smoke started rising from her bowl. Even Princess Celestia, Regent of the Sun raised an eyebrow while Princess Luna hurriedly scooted back from the table.

Surprisingly King Kronson was scowling instead of laughing at Princess Luna's rapidly browning salad. Without missing a beat Gourmet Palate floated a new salad in from the kitchen while removing the dangerous mess. No one noticed the faintly glowing runes in the bottom of the bowl first dissolve and then vanish entirely beneath the still sizzling salad.

With no more requests forthcoming Gourmet Palate retired from the room. Squeezing past unicorns setting up a teleportation circle he thanked his lucky stars he had been able to find and hire them for the evening. Everyone was in for a real show. In the prep area Just Right was busy helping Thin Slice and Balthasar set up the food for the next course.

Thin Slice waved him over. "Boss, can'ya help me get my blades on?" He pointed over to the corner where four guards were busy keeping everyone away from a sturdy looking crate. Opening the crate revealed an astonishing collection of oddly shaped blades. They were a unique collection. Designed and perfected by Thin Slice and Gourmet Palate. No other pony knew how to use them.

Thin Slice shook out his wings then carefully spread his pinions. Levitating them one at a time, Gourmet Palate meticulously strapped and buckled them securely onto Thin Slice's primaries. Little by little Thin Slice's wings were covered with segmented razor-sharp blades. Stepping back Gourmet Palate gave Thin Slice room to warm up.

Satisfied that Thin Slice was ready Gourmet Palate went to check on Balthasar. The gryphon had the making of a truly foul mood about him and curtly told Gourmet Palate he was 'prepared to do his duty'. With that said the grumpy gryphon retreated back to the wine rack nursing a drink.

The time came and Thin Slice along with Balthasar and the food vanished in a great pop of displaced air. Immediately a muffled gasp arose from the dinner hall.

From a spot on the second-floor walkway, Gourmet Palate looked down on the show. And what a show it was. Thin Slice stood in between two flaming grills, the light from the flames reflecting off of his flashing blades. He spun around pointing at a pony or gryphon, having them shout a request. Quick as lightning Balthasar would heft the vegetables and meats at Thin Slice who would cut and juggle them in mid-air before throwing the finished food to the guest. No one had yet touched their wine so taken were they by the spectacle. For some reason though Balthasar's eyes kept drifting back to King Randal. Puzzled Gourmet Palate glanced at the king, but didn't notice anything amiss.

Seeing that they were nearly done Gourmet Palate left to ready the dessert. From the top of the stairs, he heard the clear note produced when Thin Slice brought all of his blades together signaling the end of the performance. And the sound of shattering glass. Whirling about Gourmet Palate rushed to the railing to see what had happened. King Randal's previously full wine glass stood broken, the wine already soaking into the table cloth. Before Gourmet Palate would grow worried King Randal laughed. Shrugging Gourmet Palate double-timed his way downstairs.

If Balthasar had been unhappy before, now he was incandescent. He was pacing back and forth muttering gryphon curses that thanks to a salty airship captain Gourmet Palate knew the meaning of.

Trotting up to him Gourmet Palate asked, "Balthasar are you okay? Do you need a moment to compose yourself?"

"No," he harshly replied, "I still have my honor. I will do my duty." Spinning about he stormed out of the room ignoring Gourmet Palate's call.

Refined Taste would take Balthasar's place along with Delightful Trim. The dessert presentation would be smoother this way as they were the group of ponies who normally worked together. Hopefully, King Kronson wouldn't be to miffed that Balthasar was missing.

This was it. One of Gourmet Palate's signature dishes. Placed before each of the three tables was a large uncooked souffle. Two younglings flanked each souffle, each carrying a bottle of the best champagne the other kingdoms produced. Far from being angry at the missing Balthasar, King Kronson smiled widely. Going so far as to raise his empty glass in toast to Princess Celestia.

Smiling proudly Gourmet Palate lit his horn. Heat gathered deep within the souffles. A flash of light in the corner of Gourmet Palate's eye broke his concentration.

The souffle exploded.

A light green unicorn filly standing before Princess Celestia dropped her bottle of champagne.

A champagne bottle bounced on the ground.

A cork shot through the air...

...Intercepting a nearly invisible dart flying towards Princess Celestia.

A legend was born.

None of which was noticed by anyone.

After all, it isn't every day that not one, but two pony princesses are seen positively dripping with half cooked souffle.

Gourmet Palate got to enjoy the sight for about five seconds before he and every other non-head of state were rushed from the room. When the crush of ponies ceased Gourmet Palate found himself in an entirely different wing of the facility. An abnormally cheerful Balthasar Gerardts was standing as if waiting for him. Walking over Balthasar wrapped Gourmet Palate in a four-limbed hug pulling him close.

"No longer am I bound," he whispered in Gourmet Palate's ear, "I go now." Pulling a ring off of a claw Balthasar shoved it towards Gourmet Palate. "Give this to your EIS masters and tell them I am no more."

A thoroughly confused Gourmet Palate agreed just so that Balthasar would let go. Watching Balthasar fly away Gourmet Palate shrugged and pocketed the ring. In the distance, a familiar white dot drew closer.

Author's Note

Lucky Salad Saves Celebration

A tragedy nearly occurred at Fine Figures & Filigree's 25th Company Celebration yesterday. Opal Broach founder of the company declined to comment, but this reporter has the inside scoop. According to one unnamed guest what can only be described as a "chocolate alcohol fountain" burst into flames before being promptly extinguished when everypony in attendance simultaneously sneezed...

Written for Sixkiller5, Winner of the April Story Giveaway.

Inspired by the works of Crystal Wishes