Be good kids or this will happen
Hell is being the cashier for this godforsaken place.
I should introduce myself. I’m Nate, and I don’t quite remember what my life was, what I did, or how I died. No matter how hard I try to remember, the memories of anywhere other than this place elude me. Nothing but my name. Doesn’t matter now, anyway.
This is my tortured existence now.
My apartment sits on top of the store, and that’s about it. There exists no outside world. The fridge and pantry are thankfully always full, but the only thing on TV is Disney sitcoms, as well as a My Little Pony channel. A channel that shows nothing but colorful equines in the search of more hats to wear or something.
Like I said, hell.
My employer remains hidden, and my only payment so far it seems is that my pantry remains full and I still somehow remain sane.
At first, it almost looked like a little girl’s toy store, what with the dolls and the so-called “collectible figurines”. On closer inspection, though, not only is there no branding on the packaging, but the true nature of these things is not so... benign.
Take this customer, for example. Well, for all I know, it’s the same customer, what with the freaky features.
Or, more accurately, the lack of any and all features whatsoever.
It’s like he stepped off a cartoon. His blank face is only filled by a mouth, and the rest of him is as white as paper. That’s not to say he is caucasian, but that he literally has no identifying features other than he’s pure white and he’s got a mouth. Well, he seems to not wear clothing, but his cartoon shape means I adjusted quickly.
The lack of any and all anatomy also helps.
There only ever seems to be one customer at a time, although the store itself is quite sizable. I can only watch from behind the counter as the entities collectively known as “customer” peruse the empty aisles and look at little Barbie, Ken, pony and other weird creature toys.
Let’s see if I still remember what those are called: Unicorns, Changelings, Pegasi, Gryphons, Alicorns, uh...
Yeah. Weird creatures.
The customer would make one (or more) selections, then I would ring them up. But it makes no sense. The cash register itself lacks a money slot, and customers always just want to catalogue their choice before walking out into the white void, instantly vanishing.
I once tried to leave, once upon a time, but the store itself seems to be the only thing occupying this plane of existence. I stepped over the precipice, found no ground to step on, fell out into the white, and was pulled back in again, as if by sheer gravity.
This truly is a place that defies explanation.
In that time since, I’ve learned what the store was actually called.
Waifu and Husbando Emporium.
But what the hell’s a waifu? What’s a husbando? I have some ideas, but...
I would have to check one out myself to be sure. Whenever it is quiet, without a customer, I would peruse the isles. The packages of dolls had almost no other markings on them save for their names and a short biography.
Trixie Lulamoon.
Flash Sentry.
Fluttershy.
Eru Chitanda.
Applejack.
Braeburn.
Stephanie Dola.
Stephen Colbert.
Gilda.
Queen Chrysalis.
Princess Luna.
Big Mac.
Many, many options. These are obviously little cartoon toys made for kids, but...
Wait a minute. The grin on the customer’s face. The way he was scrutinizing the dolls. The way they always seem to leap from the cashier into the aether, along with their merchandise.
These aren’t just dolls, I realize with a start. This entire place isn’t what it seemed, but did that matter? The customers never stuck around for chit-chat after they’ve made their selection, registering and leaving. They never leave without those dolls.
They’re my ticket out.
I take one at random, and then I rang myself up with the purchase. Going out the doors and windows may not have yielded results, but this might.
That’s when things... went wrong. Oh, the register went through with the purchase, alright. The clacking of old keys and the like was the only sound to disturb this otherwise eerily place.
That’s when there was a flash of light, and the package disappeared from my grasp. Instead, a small horse appeared on my counter, and it stood snout-to-nose with me. It was the same color as the toy, with a purple coat and mane, and a cutesy horn jutting though There was only enough time to recoil from the giant, vibrant violet eyes that suddenly engulfed my field of vision, and for it to do the same when the intercom sparked to life with a three-tone gong.
‘No products may be active within the Emporium’s boundaries. In light of your violation of the conditions of your contract, you are hereby dismissed.’
The small hor- pony began to panic, and it made little panicked horse noises. We were both picked up and hoisted off the floor, as if by giant, invisible hands. The sliding doors to this plane of reality moved open, and with a sound of rushing air, we were both pulled out of the store. I barely got to see the Emporium itself as it quickly disappeared from view, becoming first a structure in the distance, then a dot, then nothing. I lost consciousness.
Grass. Land. Sky.
I shot up from lying on my back from shock. I haven’t seen these things... since...
Memories of my former life began to flood in.
My family.
My friends.
My death.
With this knowledge, I finally knew who I was. Nate, a cashier for McDonalds. Even if it was an inane existence, the sheer knowing brought tears to my eyes. I enjoyed the sensation of knowing again, wrapping my arms around myself. That was then the memory of my death came back strong. It was at an intersection. The other driver was drunk. My body got crushed. I only had to experience of being broken and compressed by steel until my body gave up on me and I died. That was when I woke up in the shop, and now...?
My musing was interrupted by the sight of something... someone in front of me, superposing a medieval-looking village in the distance. It only took one moment to recognize the quadruped in front of me, and that was while she was introducing herself to me, extending a purple forehoof to me.
She asked me with that kindly, soft voice of hers, “Are you okay, mister? My name is--”
“Twilight Sparkle,” I barely manage to breathe. I remembered what a waifu is. I looked into her eyes.
Yes, there was a connection between us, now that I saw her. One that crossed any possible borders that meant that we were bound by fate to be together, perhaps until the end of time. It would make for a lovely romance if I wanted any of it.
My name is Nate Wills, and I cannot scream hard enough. My lungs are insufficient to convey the extreme panic I feel about this. I cannot run away fast enough. My legs are nowhere fast enough to carry me sufficiently from this place or what I had done. No amount of running would undo my actions in the Emporium.
I have a horse waifu.
Author's Note
So what if this was late for April Fool's?
This cave offered limited protection from the elements, if not sight. However, it didn’t help to hide in one if the thing chasing you saw you go into it.
Twilight Sparkle called out with her angelic voice, “Are you still okay? I think you need help!”
I grit my teeth. No, Twilight Sparkle’s voice was not smooth... and it would not be nice to feel her soft fur and silky mane as I took her into my arms. This... this was only a trick! I called out from behind my hidey-rock to the gorgeous pony at the cave entrance, “D-Don’t get any closer! We’ve... we’ve been cursed! Yeah!”
This gave the beautiful Twilight Sparkle pause. She ever-inquisitively asked, “What kind of curse is it?”
I took a few ragged breaths, noting my dry lips and the oncoming dehydration. Trying not to give away my position, I answered, “I... I-I don’t know how, but the effect seems to... get stronger the closer we are to each other. Can’t you feel it?”
My breath seized. The incoming sounds of hooves clattering on stone could only mean one thing.
‘She’s getting closer.’
Time slowed to a crawl, and my heart raced ever faster, as if a predator were nearing my position, waiting to pounce on me and eat my bones.
The absurdity of the situation gave me reason enough to think for a moment that the goddess of books and beauty was a predator, trying to jump my... bones.
A quick purge of the rogue thoughts later, and I reoriented my attention back to the situation. My inattentiveness meant that TWILIGHT SPARKLE WAS NOW ON TOP OF MY POSITION, with her wings to her side slightly in a show of nervousness. Her face, perfectly framed by the afternoon light coming in from outside, was unreadable. She said, “I don’t feel anything.”
I shrieked and ran further into the cave. Twilight Sparkle, in alarm, cried out a warning of some kind. I paid no heed, because I just had to get away from that horse, and not think about how amazing it would be to have those wings of hers reach around my neck as she showered me in affection by nuzzling my chin...
‘Dragondragon thatisadragon.’
I just pancaked myself on the snout of a dragon. The big, green lizard was starting to rouse.
With no small amount of noise, I 180’d and forward-marched the hell outta there. With a grouchy lizard sure to be on my heels, I sprinted past Twilight Sparkle, who must have the superb reflexes of an athlete to not be trampled by one such as I, even when I leapt from the mouth of the cave entrance, landed on my belly, and covered my head with my arms. I braced for a wall of fire to pass over me which was sure to come.
Any... second... now.
I got up on my hands and looked up to see the face of Twilight Sparkle, the bearer of the element of magic and majesty. She still was feeling the effects of the chase, as she heaved and panted, and she smelled... minty?
No, I had to get out of here.
With no small amount of effort, and with the use of no amount of already-depleted energy, I got to my feet. With no small amount of determination and dedication, I started moving.
The problem was that my travel speed no longer was stellar. I still managed to get one foot in front of the other, and my direction was still away from the bookworm belle, but...
Twilight Sparkle managed to keep pace with me, and went so far even as to try walking beside me, and assure me that she intended no harm.
Oh, if only she understood.
Because I was still dead-set on getting away, I turned away, and because the damsel had also decided to try and stay by my side, I unknowingly just started going in a slow circle.
Fate, it seemed, cut to the chase, and I collapsed, completely spent. Twilight Sparkle
loomed ever closer, with an unspoken promise of friendship and companionship written all over her features.
That pretty much broke down my last mental defense. I’m not exactly proud of it, but I wept like a baby in the presence of Princess Twilight Sparkle.
‘Oh, jeez.’
Twilight didn’t really know what to do with the poor creature that now was inconsolable and curled up into a cryball. He was even hugging his knees. Now you knew that’s a cryball.
Hopping from hooftip to hooftip, Twilight Sparkle held an internal congress as to what to do about this particular situation. Weighing option after option, a particular thought came to her. Something that she would forever refer to hereafter as WWFD.
‘What would Fluttershy do?’
After all, she would be the best candidate for dealing with mysterious creatures as well as individuals in a state of complete hysteria. Applejack’s blunt honesty and Rainbow Dash’s bravado wouldn’t be appropriate here. Neither would be studying him, or gossiping with him while fitting him for a dress.
No, Pinkie Pie. Parties do not help with hysteric and crying people. Besides, aren’t you a baker? Isn’t this a work day? Get out of my house.
Fine.
Please, get out of my house.
Ahem.
Well, what Fluttershy would do is heaps lots of love and affection on the poor creature and hold him.
Tenderly.
Twilight Sparkle didn’t know about the love and tender parts of it, but she knew what she could do about it.
Approaching towards the biped cautiously, Twilight Sparkle rounded towards the unknown being’s head, and bit her lip, trying to think of how best to go about this...
Her horn lit up with ethereal energies and the crying guy was lifted into a sitting position, something easier said than done, much to both Twilight’s astonishment and annoyance.
She then interposed herself between the mystery creature and the ground, making sure to settle on her haunches before terminating the spell.
The creature oomph-ed into her arms, and she struggled to hold him up.
‘Why did I think this was ever a good idea?’
But... that seemed to finally provoke a response. The creature wrapped its arms around her and buried his face in her coat, soaking Twilight In his tears. She grimaced and bore the burden. Soon enough, the tears slowed, and the creature became still. Twilight Sparkle tried to rouse the creature, but she noted with some shock that it had fallen asleep due to exhaustion and previous hyperventilation.
Twilight looked around. It was a relatively safe place, being a hillside in the Whitetail woods. The trees stood, with the grass swaying with green leaves almost in harmonious sync.
Twilight groaned. She would have to carry this heavy thing to safety.
‘Great.’
Author's Note
In Equestria, Waifu chooses you
In Soviet Equestria, the waifu is chosen for you, and they're all equally bad.
Grunting with no small amount of exertion, Twilight mushed on. After the episode with the human, fate had decided that the creature should pass out completely and then proceed to sleep like a baby.
That would be fine, if Twilight wasn’t then forced to carry him bodily to safety. Twilight didn’t want to assume, but it certainly seemed male. From an assortment of sticks, twigs, branches, and leaves, Twilight had magically fashioned a makeshift sled.
Twilight correctly determined that carrying him bodily back to civilization would tax Twilight more than she was comfortable with. However, using her natural earth pony strength, a boon of being an alicorn, she could use her magic to make a sled, and her muscles to carry this creature back to Ponyville.
There were still so many questions on her mind. What did he mean, they were cursed? Is it something that can be cured? Is it terminal? Would it effect anyone else around them? As she looked back to the unconscious form of the mystery person, she realized with a start another question that she had not yet considered.
Was there even a curse at all? The ape-but-not-an-ape seemed rather delirious and could be under any number of mind-altering substances as well as extreme stress. Such conditions were hardly suitable for rational thought and certainly not rational discourse. Thankfully, Twilight thought, the creature did not awaken that dragon he had stumbled upon.
Well, he had, but it had simply went back to sleep after it drowsily browsed its surroundings and decided that there wasn’t anything around to bother him in his sleep, and had gone right back into his slumber.
This event simplified things for the Alicorn of Friendship, yet... she was still expecting more trouble than this. She had gone into Whitetail woods to investigate the latest in a strange series of strange magic anomalies. If she had known what she might have run into... she might not have come.
The thought had occurred to Twilight, and she found it odd-and a little scary- that she ever had that thought. She looked behind her again, and, mixed between the two limbs of the makeshift stretcher she had made, was that same creature, resting.
That creature, Twilight then thought, must have been the result of the magical anomaly that itched at her senses within Whitetail wood. That this being would come from the proverbial (or literal) void was something that wasn’t unusual to Twilight, but it still unnerved her as to how and why. It might have been benign that he was to come here.
Maybe it was fate. Maybe it was planned, too. Looking again, Twilight saw the fitful slumber of a man, and remembered her time in the other dimension. She remembered having hands and feet, and the upright posture she had.
Finally, after a seeming eternity of walking through peaceful white willows and green brush, Twilight finally neared Ponyville. Taking a moment to slow here breath, and to look over the town once more, Twilight then considered her options as to how she should proceed from there. She could always go to the castle, of course. She might be able to see if Celestia had any council for her, now that there was a human in Equestria to consider.
Additionally, she might also consider just going to Ponyville hospital. Their staff were trained enough, but their unfamiliarity with humans might become a bit of a problem fi Twilight decided to bring him there. Besides, there was always paperwork to be done, and the hours of filling out insurance claims due to injuries sustained here in Ponyville made her almost recoil at the sight of pen and parchment. Almost.
Suddenly, a thought came, unbidden into Twilight’s head. Perhaps she should take this strange human over to Fluttershy’s cottage? The pegasus liked to live away from town, in what could be accurately described as a house that was decorated with a hilltop, as well as gardens and houses for small animals and birds. Fluttershy, someone who preferred the ground to the sky, was a meek pony, one who preferred the company of animals to other ponies.
Regardless, Twilight thought, this would be a good opportunity for Fluttershy to finally look at a human. Ever since coming back from the human world, Fluttershy had expressed to Twilight, in hushed tones of course, that she would like to see a human, because that was certainly something that Fluttershy wasn’t at least aware of, not having seen them as Twilight has seen them, first hand.
Looking to her left, Twilight could see a few green hills between her and her chosen destination. The grass was long, and smooth. The air smelled of trees and dirt. With a happy sigh, Twilight mushed on. With a few hard moments, such as the realization that the sled liked to slide down hills and resist going up hills, Twilight finally was able to slip out of the ad-hoc harness that she had constructed out of twigs and leaves, and collapsed for a second at the front door.
All the while, animals of various shapes and sizes gauged the prone person that laid behind Twilight. After a few moments, several clicks were heard from the round door of Fluttershy’s cottage, and the door slowly opened to reveal first a pink mane, then a yellow face with the skyest blue eyes you have ever did seen appeared. After seeing Twilight, Fluttershy opened the portal to her house proper, and her posture straightened.
“Oh. Hello, Twilight,” she greeted with a silky-smooth voice of angels, angels I tell you. Her perfect physique strolled out the door, and finally noticed the human on the stick sled. Her face fell, and she asked, “Um... who’s this?” As she circled around Twilight, and poked and prodded at the human, the herd of various animals got ever closer. They too, Twilight noticed, were curious, as they crept closer now that their guardian had approached the comatose man.
Twilight told Fluttershy, “This, Fluttershy, is a human.” At this, Fluttershy’s eyes widened with all the surprise of an adorable kid and her mouth went agape in a cute as God as my witness expression of glee and innocent joy. “This is a human?” she all but squeaked happily. Twilight, with her own smile on her face, nodded, and continued, “I found him in the White Tail forest. I think he may be suffering from a lot of stress, since he panicked and ran after he saw me and then proceeded to tire himself out.”
With a newfound glimmer in her eyes, and a pout that’s adorable as all-get-out don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, Fluttershy fawned over the human with her cutesy hooves, and…
Ahem.
Fluttershy said quietly, “Oh, that poor thing! It’s a good thing you brought him here! Who knows what he might have been through to cause such a hard time. Just leave him to me, Twilight. I’m sure that you need to inform the Princess of this development.”
Leaning back slightly, and with a raised hoof, Twilight said after a moment, “Wow. That’s... insightful of you, Fluttershy.”
Flicking her fabulous pink mane, Fluttershy looked up with a serene smile and closed eyes and noted, “Well, it’s what we usually do around here, and it’s certainly interesting that we have a human here now.” With a smile that was crooked, and eyes that searched desperately, Twilight simply squeaked, “I’ll be right back.”
Taking off, Twilight exerted her wings, and they gyrated in a now practiced motion as the new flier took to the skies. It was certainly an effort, but Twilight beamed at the chance to practice flying. Twilight’s Castle drew near, and as Twilight neared her castle, she realized that perhaps it was time to name the crystal tree castle, because “Twilight’s Castle” just sounded odd to her. With the wind through her hair, tail, and feathers, Twilight took a deep breath of the fresh air.
The air was fresh enough to drink.
Descending, Twilight looked back in her mind’s eye to a few painful lessons on landing, and stuck out her hooves straight. As the ground near the entrance to her castle neared, Twilight flapped, and squinted shut her eyes. After a moment, she opened them, and looked around. She had landed, and landed safely! Grinning, she took a moment to congratulate herself on not crashing, but also was a bit sorry for not having done so in front of Rainbow Dash, her friend and flying mentor.
Pushing her way past the heavy, thick crystal door to her crystal castle, Twilight called out, “Spike!”
Waiting for a few moments, Twilight heard the pitter-patter of little dragon feet as her Number One assistant rounded a hall corner in a slide before resuming his toddler run towards Twilight. She had not noticed how much like a human toddler Spike was, with his round belly, small arms and legs, and a big head. It reminded her so much that Spike was still, in effect, a baby dragon, because dragons are weird like that, I guess.
Ahem.
Spike, having rushed to the door, panted through his tiny-fanged mouth with a hunched back and hands on his knees, before asking, “What is it, Twilight?”
In response, Twilight said, “There’s a human in Ponyville, Spike. I need you to go tell Celestia about this.”
His eyes widening, and grasping his jaws, Spike excitedly asked, “Ooh! Ooh! Is he a warrior? Huh? Is he from the past, come to avenge his kingdom?”
Drawing her head back from Spike’s outburst, she thought long and hard about what might give Spike that impression. After a minute of thinking, she looked back to see a crestfallen Spike, who said, “Yeah, I should really stop reading those comic books.”
Giggling, Twilight took Spike under her wing, and said, “Oh, Spike. It’s not that you read too many comic books. It’s just that you think that life is anything like comic books.”
Under his breath, Spike retorted, “Says the Princess of Friendship in a Crystal Castle.”
Realizing her mistake, Twilight laughs awkwardly, and released Spike. She then told him, “I must see that the human isn’t freaking out or something. He’s not in the best mental shape right now. Just tell Celestia that there is a human currently at Fluttershy’s.”
Nodding, Spike ran off to carry out Twilight’s wishes. After seeing him depart, Twilight ran back out into the sunlight, and took off again. Her wings were still eager to soar, but they ached from a bit of exertion. Twilight did her best to ignore the strain, and climbed to an altitude she guessed would be necessary to be able to glide to Fluttershy’s house. With a bit of adjustment, Twilight was back on her way.
The cool air brushed against her fur coat, and the wind stung Twilight’s eyes. She thought to herself, ‘How can Rainbow Dash stand this?’. She made a mental note to ask Rainbow Dash that very question later. For now, she would just have to focus on not crashing, like she just did, in the front yard of Fluttershy’s cottage.
Taking the time to both spit out a few lumps of dirt and grass, and cleaning off some new grass stains on her underbelly and legs, Twilight fast approached the door, when she heard a most unusual sound.
Fluttershy giggling.
Pressing her ear to the door, Twilight listened through the door, only to hear...
“You are so beautiful. You are so beautiful.”
Concern and confusion crossing her face, Twilight nosed the door open and saw...
Fluttershy.
Getting belly rubs.
From the human.
Fluttershy was leaned against the human’s torso, and his hands rested on her withers and belly. What was more, Fluttershy seemed to be lost in a state of contentment and bliss. Immediately growing inexplicably envious, Twilight leaned first on her front left hoof, then her front right hoof. Then, her back hooves, as she fidgeted in the cottage portal. She saw something else that made her blush.
The human took a deep sniff of Fluttershy’s mane. ‘Did it really smell that good?’ she wondered. Being sure to roll her steps, Twilight crept closer to the intertwined couple. Fluttershy giggled some more, with her closed eyes offering only the strongest indication of pure pleasure as the human’s fingers dug into Fluttershy’s soft, slightly pudgy but still nice belly.
Before Twilight could say anything, there was an inexplicable flash of light. Catching the attention of everybody in the room, the white flash of light left behind...
another human. He was dressed in head-to-toe in a dress shirt, slacks, and even a black tie. His brown hair unkempt, as was his clothes, and his was a mad disposition.
No, seriously. Look at that face. It was as if his latte was late or something.
This new mystery human looked over at the first human and Fluttershy, still locked in something of a lover’s embrace, and groaned loudly. Then, he hoarsely shouted, “You broke the rules!”
Doing his best impression of a fish, the first human could only gape and stare as this new human then pulled out a receipt, and pointed at it animatedly, saying, “Look! This is your waifu! You don't get to cheat, Nate Wills!”
The first human, now that Twilight knew was named Nate Wills, said, “But I love her.”
Silence took the room. It was a conquest of the quiet kind. THere was nothing to oppose the reign of non-sound, and no foe that could displace the new bulwark of the absence of any audio in the room.
Then, the new humans screamed. He screamed with all the rage of a mother whose child had just broken a new vase. He screamed with the rage of someone who just lost a videogame tournament, or perhaps lost his computer privileges. After he had finished with his siren-song of agony, he suddenly froze stiff as a board, then took a few deep breaths. He then said, “Okay, okay. We can work with this. We can work with this. We just need to... swap waifus. That’s fine.”
Then, the new visitor started looking... at... the Narrator. Wait, that's me. Why are you looking at me like that, sir? I’m just the– wait, wait, GET AWAY–
Oh, my head. It feels like a shark tank in there, but someone threw a bunch of tourists in there
Ahem.
After the... whatever it was the new human did, he clasped his hands, and now, with some sort of smug satisfaction, said “Alright, then. I’ve switched the waifus. Balance of the universe restored, and my wife will stop nagging at me. It’s a win-win for everyone! Ta-ta!”
With a flick of his wrist, the new human dissapeared in a flash of white light, leaving everyone to blink at each other. After a short pause, Nate’s hand started to move again on Fluttershy’s stomach, causing the both of them to relax into each other. Oblivious to them, in a state of both confusion and envy... sat her.
Twilight Sparkle.
Fidgeting, her gorgeous wings fluttered and threatened to fully open at full mast. Her brilliant, amethyst eyes looked on to the rather cute scene of Nate and Fluttershy getting platonically intimate. It was clear to anyone, (especially me), that she really wasn’t comfortable with the whole sequence of events.
Or perhaps... perhaps it was so that she wanted affection badly. If only I could do to her what Nate was doing to Fluttershy. Platonically. My hands would rub that soft coat, tickle her hoofies and trim her talented and powerful horn...
Ahem.
That is not appropriate for the Narrator to want, of course, and he knew it quite well. It’s just... oh, I’ll end the story here before it gets any more out of control.
Good day, everyone.
Author's Note
Do you choose your waifus, or are your waifus chosen for you? Additionally...
You will never feel the tender love and care a Tyrannosaur can give you as it ever so gently brushes your mane and tail.
You will never feel the heart stopping, enticing thrill of a Tyrannosaur roar, shaking the very ground beneath your hooves.
You will never feel the comfort a Tyrannosaur can give you as you hitch a ride in his or her mouth... waitWHAT.
This must help explain why there aren't many (if any) Dinosaur waifus/husbandos out there.
Happy Valentine's Day 2017, everyone.
