Adventure Muffin!

by Jake Witt

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Thriller, Science Fiction, Random, Derpy Hooves, Alternate Universe, Doctor Whooves
Length: 9158

You lost your last life. All of your past memories are returning as you become the most powerful being in existence! ...a muffin. This is a game of survival with only one obvious answer. How far will you go before you dislike?

You've lived through so many lives, got kicked out of every afterlife, and somehow managed to be tossed out of Hell. You've been every being in existence, but finally you're done living and dying!
...you never wanted power, but the power everyone strives for is in your... grasp? You didn't ask for this...

Congrats. You are a delicious muffin with any name you want or think you want. You may or may not be OP so you might get nerf'd. You will travel within the TARDIS and do anything your... strawberry heart desires. Prepare to love and hate everyone with a passion at the same time and adapt to your surroundings as you survive!

Published 2016-04-08 06:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-07-02 02:10:48 UTC

Death

You are a pony, but not just any pony. ...or you was a pony. Unicorn? Pegasus? Earth? Maybe you were Crystal? You don't know many things. One... or two? Two names stick with you from your most recent lives, but they're a bit... You can't describe this feeling. Well, you've died of old age before, but... it never felt like this.

Blurry Sash? Is that your name? It is now.

Normally when Blurry dies, it witnesses Death in his many forms escort their fearing form then you remember your deaths and a brief history of your past lives. Now, there's no Death. No calcium or scythe of him anywhere.

"It seems you have many questions, do you not?" a voice calls from... somewhere? nowhere? ...everywhere?

The fact that you remember the many languages and how different species used the same word for completely different verbs or nouns confuse you to no bounds. ...so is remembering your past lives to their fullest very, very slowly.

You reply, but no words are heard. Just understanding.

"You are confused?" the vaguely familiar voice asks.

Yes. Indeed, you are confused and you want answers. Who owns this voice?!

The voice focused herself to one spot even though no words are being said. You just... know. What comes out of a flash of light is THAT PONY... Aunt Luna! Princess Luna? VicePrinciple Luna as a pony? "Hello, Flurry Heart."

You didn't hear her. Instead, you question why you love and hate her beyond reasoning. It's like killing a puppy. It's cute, but it's also food- I KILLED A PUPPY?! I'M A MONSTER... A rather fine looking one. Wait, I'm just a glowing ball... am I still pretty?

"FLURRY HEART!!" Luna cries, her hooves covering ears. You are glad she didn't use her infamous "Royal Canterlot screech/whinny/voice."

Around you both are what resembles old rolls of film, unrolled and playing the lives of parents, a cancer patient, simple insects, ugly yet cute abominations, and so on. You feel a pang as your most recent name has been called. Flurry... Heart...?

All of the films retract into the darkness... all but one. From tiny pink hooves hugging Big Pink Fluffy (Now known as Pinkie Pie's face) to taking a stray laser to the heart, provided by her... My former student. But that wasn't what killed you. Being buried alive for the first and last time... not fun. You wish your undead form would rise, but your realist side knows that would be impossible without a necromancer.

You 'look' back at Luna... but she appears to be focused on the image of your bloodied hooves and useless, broken horn clawing at the dark coffin.

"Buried alive? Flurry..." She is crying. It obvious, despite her back to you. ...eyes up.

You want to hug her in joy just as much as you want to slit her throat and drink her blood. You are a messed up... it.

She turns to you, eyes red yet a fake smile is forced on her face, "I can tell I'm not welcome." She stepped a little closer, but never touched your soul. "You are neigh dead nor alive. You are not pure enough for the straight and narrow and you are too good for True Tartarus."

She hovers over to something. There's no up or down so it might as well be her changing where she stood in a room. You adjust yourself so she doesn't look upside-down.

A scroll materialized briefly before she continues. "Even if you did go there, Lucifer would just toss you out... again, it seems."

Best Yo Momma joke in existence and you had to forget. You might remember soon.

"I'm not going to ask how you made the Devil himself cry, but it doesn't matter. Purgatory is a myth and if it wasn't, you would be the only one living there." She walks below you, ending up standing horizontally. "So now, you have a job from the creator. Basically, you will be given a random form with the powers almost as powerful as the creator himself."

None of that makes any sense. Couldn't you use that power to choose what you become?

"I can understand giving you a new form that never ends, but giving you that much power is fairly ludicrous." A hole in reality opens up as a bright light interrupts the dark. "Good luck my dear niece!"

You happy curse back at her... not entirely regretting every word that was understood towards her.

Luna gives you a confused look as your vision fades to white.

NEXT

1: Rise Like a Phoenix?

Burning. You feel like you're burning, but it feels nice. Maybe you became a lizard? You secretly wished that you were __________. The other gender is just... you don't like it. You just prefer that gender because-

"Pinkie Pie! Can you check on the oven?"

"Okie-dokie-lokie, Mrs. Cake!"

You don't remember birth being like this... Then again, you purge the memory each time. You really hope you're a lizard in an egg.

Pinkie Pie carefully peeked into the oven, not letting much heat escape. The delicates inside were ready. "Yo Pound, is Pumpkin home yet?"

Pound walked around the kitchen's island, tiny chef hat falling over his eyes again. "Nope! About an hour to go! ...I think."

Pinkie slowly took the tray out of the oven, "Well, she's missing out on cupc- Why is there a muffin?"

"Ms. Ditzy."

She shrugged, "Well, these cupcakes aren't going to decorate themselves! I'll go take Derpy her-" Pinkie looked at the empty pit. "Maybe she already got it?"

"I didn't see anypony!" Pound replied, pushing a stool.

You look back. Dear Goodness! Pinkie Pie looks massive! Knowing from many lives, any Pinkie Pie can unhinge their jaw to eat a cake ten times her size! You're about the size of her hoof. A genderless muffin who is not sure if there's any positives to this new life. Well, you're aware of your past lives, don't need to worry about any... bodily changes, and have imaginary limbs that allow you to outrun Pinkie Pie.

You get ready to get out of dodge when a rainbow takes you off the ground.

"Five-second rule!" Rainbow Dash exclaims before a grey blur knocked her into a wall. From your vantage point, anything could've happened to her.

"My muffin!" a grey pegasus mare cheers, eye locked on you and another staring at a messy, equally blonde mane. You don't just recognize the voice; the mare is well known in Equestria. The one being that loves muffins more than Sonata loves tacos or Adagio loving herself combined with a heart bigger than a shark.

Ditzy "Derpy Hooves, Muffin" Doo.

You somehow soil your wrapper. Blueberry. You smell like blueberry, her favorite muffin! She never eats a blueberry instantly!

*What will you do?

Wait.
Wait.
Free Sentry!

1: Wait...

You are the Adventure Muffin! You are very happy for this outcome. I mean, what if you waited on a day she forgot breakfast? You shudder at the thought.

A few coins fell, an angry Rainbow Dash sat embedded in a nearby wall, and you're both in a hurry! You are whisked out of Sugarcube Corner and into a familiar blue box across the street.

It is bigger on the inside. You feel like you should be in awe... but you've seen better. You saw the Devil cry, after all.

"Thank you, Doctor!" Derpy cried, glomping a brown earth stallion.

Oh, it's him. Hold on... You somehow know this figure, but he's unfamiliar to you. Whoever he is, you want to join the hug or pull on his blue tie until it's so tight he chokes. The back-stabbing traitor! ...you need to see a doctor. An actual doctor. How do you he's not an actual doctor? You follow that thought with another, wondering if muffins need doctors or baking connoisseurs.

You remembered a big word. You are so proud.

"Did you really need to take every ordered muffin missing from your past?" he asked, clopping his forehooves together to close the door behind us.

Derpy made a struggle to look serious, but her yellow eyes and scrunched muzzle betrayed her, "Of course! I need to take those muffins before the thief that took them could take them!"

After flipping some switches and starting a loud metallic wheezing noise around us, the Doc gave her a flat-eyed stare. "Derpy, you are the thief that stole your muffins."

While they continued their conversation, you hopped from her right hoof before sliding down her left leg. Upon landing, you spot several baskets of blueberry muffins. You ran over and hopped into the basket in the hopes she won't find you in a million years. You doubt she could even live that long... unless she was some decayed creature with a tiny chalk board.

That image seems adorable somehow.

"Doctor, did you eat my muffin?"

"No, I did not. Why?"

"I can't find it anywhere! It was just in my hoof!"

"You probably ate it without noticing."

"Even the paper wrapper?"

"It's happened before."

"Oh. heh hehe..."

"That reminds me; can you check on Tick Tock? I think he took the toaster again."

"Wait, aren't you Tick Tock?"

"You're thinking of Time Turner. I'm talking about our gingercorn!"

"Oooh! I'll be right back, Doctor!"

You hear her hooves pass your basket and climb some stairs closeby.

"Alright Adventure Muffin, you can come out."

Is he really talking to you?

You hear calm clicks from hooves as the Doctor draws near, "I know you're alive. I just saw you hop out of my friend's hoof and into one of these baskets." He picks up your basket, bringing it to his eye level.

You slowly peek out and quietly reply.

"Well, I don't care about specifics nor would I hurt you." He looks up some stairs before returning, whispering, "I much prefer English muffins despite other's beliefs."

You are not sure if you should be scared or relieved. Either way, if he doesn't eat you then he could just as easily crush you. You imagine the banana nuts and strawberries taunt "Stomp muffin! Stomp muffin! Never had a chance muffin!" In reality they are truly unalive and freshly made.

He pulls his collar, revealing a bottomless pit instead of his coat. "Quick, she's coming back! If you value your grain, you will hop into my pocket. It's warm and bigger than it looks."

You have nothing to lose as you hear the blonde menace draw near. You hop into the magic pocket, shouting "Geronimo!"

Inside the pocket... is a hoarder's paradise. Countless ties, bow ties, a long scarf, celery, anaglyph 3D glasses, a nice looking silver pocket watch, an hour glass, several pictures of women and mares unfamiliar to you, a ticket to a movie called "BAD WOL...", dozens of books... all fan fictions about himself made by himself, SHERLOCK book series, Doctor Who comic books, Seasons 1-6 of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and SUPERNATURAL... basically more junk than junk can handle. Does any of this literature use lowercase?

You take out a random buried movie. "Gone With The Wind." You heard it was good and thought about the prospect of a DVD Player in this wasteland.

The Doctor continued to tinker with his TARDIS, enjoying the music playing.

Tick Tock, a two-tone red unicorn stallion with goggles around his neck and gears as his cutiemark entered the room, his voice was dull and monotone as he spoke. "Doctor, where is that music comic from?"

"My tie."

"Is that normal?"

"Is anything ever normal?"

Cue Theme Song!

1: Cue Theme Song!

"You have survived day one." Luna announced happily before frowning. "Yet more dangers await you beyond Ditzy Doo's maw and a stray hoof. Be aware of your surroundings."

WHEN ALLOWED, CLICK NEXT.

Author's Note

This idea was based on my hotel muffin during my spring break to Arkansas. It was blueberry and had a dent from where my thumb held it.

2: Muffin-themed Adventure!

The TARDIS doors burst open as Derpy flew into the TARDIS, "Doctor! Somepony stole my muffin again!"

You peek out from inside the Doctor's collar. This might be amusing.

"Nope! Ms. Doo, we're just going to stand here and do nothing." The two just stood there, unknown to them, the TARDIS doors faded into the closed position along with a trash bin with Derpy's face inside, her bit bag slightly lighter, and Tick Tock... can you call it cringing? He was worried.

"Are... you alright, Ms. D-" Tick Tock couldn't finish as the mare's sickness made itself evident again.

"I... ugh... accidentally ate cardboard better than... blurb..."

Doc turned to the gingercorn, "Quick! Grab another bin!"

You look on sadly as the poor mare was sent to her bed, the door closing softly behind her. Doctor left some crackers and promised to return soon.

You ask if she would be fine.

"She just had a bad muffin! How does anything get sick from a bad muffin!"

"Might be something to look into," Tick Tock replied dully. "But first, what are you talking to, Doctor? I heard a tiny voice I know you can't replicate."

Tell the Truth.
Leave no loose ends.

Before you could make a choice, the Doctor pushed you down. Turning to the inventor, he asks, "Tell me about the glitter on your pillow."

"E- excuse me?!"

"Tell me why there's glitter on your pillow! I want to know!" he demands with a stomp of a hoof.

"And that is none of your business!"

"I'll tell you the truth if you tell me why unicorns leave glitter all over their pillows!"

Tick Tock sighs, trotting away.

"Suit yourself!" Doctor lowered his muzzle to you, "I'm grabbing a stick of butter. You want one?"

A stick of butter with blue berries sound tasty to you. ...muffin food, huh.

After a breakfast fit for breakfast, the Doctor takes you to a secret room with baking gear for children like 'Easy-Bake Oven' and 'Super Snow Cone Maker' along the walls.

You look up from his hoof. "What? I can't cook, alright! Two out of three ponies... along with others... and a Dalek- I can't cook. You should find a place to stay warm," he moves you over to an oven with cupcake cups along the top. "And look right here! I nice new wardrobe!" He lifted a white one with red swirls before switching to a foil one then a brown one with gold-brown spots.

He leaves you on the counter, leaving you alone. He promised that he would return before leaving to check on Derpy.

After finishing can town, with you as their MAYOR, the Doctor rushes in. "Adventure Muffin! Oh, thank Celestia!"

You reply to him, startled at his entrance.

"There's no time to explain!" He gives you a folded note. "The TARDIS is close to your objective! You are the only one small enough to complete the task!"

You feel something, but you feel determined.

"Whatever you do, don't stop until you escape! Anything that moves is a threat... and no blink. If you see any gray pegasus... DON'T. BLINK."

You can't blink anyway and even if you could, you don't want to encounter Derpy. Should you question how you see to begin with?

"Good luck."

You put on your foil wrapper to increase your speed and prepare for what is to come. You slide out of your room through a doggy door, where you spot a group of stone pegasi at the door, teeth sharp. What are those thing?!

Every time the lights flicker, you see one look back at you with a curious expression followed by the other two.

Well, you better run like your butt is on fire!

They don't really chase you, it's like they're slowly making an attempt to close the distance. One pegasus tripped over her stone dress while one stayed behind and the third one continued to chase you. Clever yet resilient mare.

As you run... or slide... you spot the sick Derpy and one of the many stone pegasi in your vision. Next thing you see is Derpy fading into nothing as a parasite falls into the hoof on the statue. It, too, met the same unfortunate fate.

You keep sliding. Rounding corners, crossing hallways, picking left then right at every fork and forks. You are now amazed at how much bigger the TARDIS really is on the inside. As you track through the maze and labyrinth that is the time machine you reside in, you find Tick Tock. He fares much better at first, but the goggles couldn't hide his fear as you hear a scream and the clatter of two wrenches and a hammer that were used in that struggle.

You're sure you lost your pursuers, but you stop when you see a split in the path. Good news, you hear the engines! Bad news: Do you go left or right?

LEFT
RITE
RIGHT

2: Leave No Loose Ends

You lunge at the unicorn, knitting needles in your magical grasp. The world slows around you as the Doctor is too slow to catch you. As Tick Tock swats his hoof, you quickly run up it and make tiny slashes along his cheek! You take out a couple bungee cords that hook onto his horn, launching you into the air as you aim your needles for his neck.

Suddenly, a memory flashes through your mind. Instead of remembering anime, you remember your guitar teacher Mr. Larson and his 'baby,' an acoustic guitar he named 'princess.'

You just ended all ties to having any friends in this time machine. The Doctor! He's not just a friendly face, he's a billion-year-old Time Lord either from Gallifrey or Gallopfrey. Either way, you've seen him with other faces before! When Torchwood ended, he hooked you up with Jack at a bar... which was good at first, but you died while he didn't. Alonzo was a terrible name in retrospect; good for others, but not you.

Oh, wait. You realized it was too late. Your needles slid down the inventor's neck along his jugular veins.

You're a sentient muffin that just assassinated the friend of a pony that can't die. You look up in horror as the Doctor draws near.

What looked like a human girl holding a red balloon in a mirror looks down at you. "What are you in for?" she asks blandly.

"I killed one of his friends and possessed another vulnerable one," Chara said through you. "It was worth it."

"I would say 'stay DETERMINED,' but neigh, look where it got thee."

GAME OVER

GO BACK?

2: LEFT

You turned LEFT and it was the best decision of your life. Sure, every night you wake up in a muffin equivalent to a "cold sweat" as you hear the cries of the ponies you failed, but how were you supposed to know you fell for a trap?

"Grand Elder Adventure!"

Also, muffins reproduce asexually. You literally started a civilization by yourself and it has been thriving in this pocket dimension for a while. Sadly, the civilians are mortal so they come and go without your control.

"Grand Elder Adventure?" Your pupil Book Muffin is your most loyal- and annoying -follower.

You respond.

"The Doctor has found us!" he hops with joy.

You slowly ask.

"Well, he's a gray pony with an hourglass butt mark!" You look out the nearest window of your metal palace. "This guy is MASSIVE!"

Something is wrong. You expect him to demand your location instantly... instead, he takes out his anger on your whole world.

You command Book to go find General, Sarge, and Captain Muffins. They lead your army, air force, and royal guard respectfully. You watch as your royal guard jump off the castle, using bungee cords to traverse the building.

The Doctor broke down one of the walls keeping Crab Opal out. He wasn't going to fall easy, that was obvious. Muffins with needles in grasp continued flinging themselves towards the very different Time Lord. The muffins never lasted a chance as he ate three at once and crushed more under his hooves. He retaliated more through spitting the sharp needles out of his mouth, sending them through muffin tops.

"Return fire!" General Muffin shouted in the distance. Catapults were pulled back as metal wads were launched and reloaded, but that only delayed him! You know you're going to lose.

"Grand Elder adventure, come with me." Ace Muffin, my body guard, commanded.

You ask him questions, but he has no answers. He just wants to see you safe, give everyone a chance knowing their god was safe from the Doctor's wrath. You tell him that you're ready to sacrifice yourself while handing him the Cook Book... which is a muffin equivalent of a holy book.

He nods as he leads you to a catapult.

In the end, you lost. Not just you the muffin, but all of muffinkind has fell silent in the TARDIS.

GAME OVER

GO BACK?

2: RITE

U mad it to the enjine room! U quikly exit the TURDIS, wer not fast enoff! U find ursilf in Werld Wor To Jirmany in a cosintaton camp.

A Nazi in unfurm tht was blakr then blak lukz dun at u.

"You vill turn your autocorrect back on!"

U tel him no becuz odocurekt is for peepel huu can not spel. U hav purfekt gremmer!

He lowrz humslf to u. "Spell your directions."

Left. Rite.

"Are you sure?" He axs. "Spell the second one slowly."

R - I - T - E

U feyend ursfle wolcig into the fernise.

"...How could you make this mistake?!" Woona sigs fom imsid ur hid.

GAM OVR

NEXT

3: Our Town! In the Middle of Nowhere!

It took you about an hour, but you finally found a boulder! It is a nice boulder. De ja vu. From your new vantage point you finally found... You finally found... You found...

Does this town even have a name? You will name is Dulltown. Making my way Dull town~.

You purge the song instantly, not sure why but you do. More bad memories than good you suppose. With your mission set out, you pull out your map.

Seems pretty straight forward.

OK. How are you going to find the parasite in time?!

"You are a god-like muffin! Use your magic... Ki? Force? Chakra? Just do something~!"

How will you travel?

Fly
Dig
Super Speed
Teleport
ROCK

3: Fly

You fly! You wish you can describe the experience besides being a flying muffin. A wig or a cape might be needed to have something flowing in the wind!

You suddenly find yourself between two hard points as a bird begins to chew you into mush.

"Fly, you fool!" Luna's etheric face paused with a frown. "Bad time?"

GAME OVER

GO BACK?

3: Dig

GO BACK?

Dig? DIG?!

You are a tiny muffin in the desert! It will take forever to dig sand, not to mention that you might be buried alive... a second time! Sure you're immortal, but immortality has its limits. You're already traumatized from the last time you were buried!

GAME OVER

This isn't even a game! Games are fun! This is not fun! You think this might not be fun. Fun. Fun. FUN!FUN!FUN!FUN!FUN!FUN!FUN!FUN!FUN!

3: Super Speed

You can out run magic statues so logically, your god-like powers can increase your speed! You warm up by baking on the rock. What? Muffins don't have muscles.

You use your super speed! ...stopping at Griffonstone. You feel the scones judging you from a nearby cart.

Griffons fly down, ripping you to shreds as they enjoy your blueberry muffin taste, leaving only a crummy wrapper.

"Hey Gilda, this muffin tastes better than your sucky scones!"

"Go buck yourself, JonTron!"

"That's not my name!"

"And Jaques is a better one?!"

GAME OVER

GO BACK?

3: ROCK

ROCK. You chose ROCK. What do you mean by ROCK? Did you mean BOULDER?

Lift Boulder
Ride Boulder

Oh wait, ROCK!

3: ROCK 1

You easily pick up the boulder that you stood on a moment ago over you. You feel accomplished!

What was the point of that?

You decide to toss the rock AwAy. WhAt HaVe YoU dOnE?! tHe ElEmEnTs HaVe YeT tO hIdE bEhInD tHiS bOuLdEr!!!

ADVENTUREMUFFINUNIVERSE.EXE HAS CRASHED. UNEXPECTED. TRY CALLING TECHNOLOGY SUPPORT.

"Hello? Where am I? ... Why did the narrator-?"

PRINCESSLUNAWOONAMOONBUTTGREATESTAUNTNOTNIGHTMAREMOONNONOISINDEEDBESTPRINCESS.EXE HAS CRASHED. UNEXPECTED. TRY CALLING TECHNOLOGY SUPPORT.

"gameover.EXE is not responding."

3: ROCK 2

You get off your boulder for a more comfortable boulder to ride. You start the ignition and prepare to- Wait. Ride a boulder? That's insane!

Will you continue to drive the boulder?

Yes!
Heck, naw!
GO BACK!

3: No

You decide to walk. It takes you all week to find Sugar Bell's bakery, but the TARDIS has already left days ago. You fade from existence, wishing that you flew Dulltown.

"You should really live a little." Woona said, fixing her cartographer's cap and riding off on her rock.

GAME OVER

GO BACK?

4: Do you know the Muffin Man? ...Girl? ...Thing?

You wake up to the sound of a loud ding. A very loud ding. You hop off your baking pan, opening the oven and climbing the stepulator to turn your heated bed off. You check a nearby mirror, amused by your flakey goodness. Looking away, you spot a small bowl of butter and blueberries with a strawberry on top.

The Doctor has been a great host for a week now, replenishing your berries when they somehow disappear. You're not sure if he's growing on you, but you feel less hatred towards him!

After partaking in a hobby you found to be dominating over your other hobbies from your many pasts... Where were you going with this? Oh yeah. After doing your thing, you pick a random wrapper... or maybe you don't.

You take a good look at your wrappers. It looks like the TARDIS made styled foil wrappers for you. If you're going to use an efficient wrapper, you use one with style, you suppose.

Never mind. That sounds like a dumb idea.
Black
Stripes
Spots
Camo
One bright color
One regular color

4: Black

You wear black. It is the deepest of blacks that reminds you of the black void you came from before being a muffin. Life is meaningless to you since you can not truly die. There is no final destination...

In retrospect, you might just be acting silly. You wearing black isn't going to change your perspective! ...no matter how true the thought was.

Leave the room.

4: Stripes

You have two choices. Horizontal or vertical. You have to choose. This story will not allow you to go commando.

Horizontal
Vertical

4: Horizontal Stripes

You proudly don the horizontal striped wrapper! You turn towards the mirror to check yourself... you look fat. You are a fatty fat, no parents, food. You are distracted by your thoughts of weight to wonder if you're an orphan.

Orphans need to be born; you were baked.

You absently leave the room.

4: Vertical Stripes

Your OCD kicks in at this point as you discard the horizontal stripes. You check to happily find the stripes make a nice 90 degree angle with your base and that each line has equal color tone and thickness.

You study your room arranged by equipment color and size. Don't let the pink fool you: to the untrained eye they are the same shade, but you know better!

You leave the room, contemplating whether you should organize the inside of Doctor's tie.

4: Spots

You stare in awe of the metallic white wrapper covered in spots of many colors and sizes. You are not the best at organizing and your taste in wrapper proves it. Looking around at the room your tried to organize makes you cringe, but you're are proud that it isn't perfect chaos. The best way to describe the room was efficient, but not pretty.

You get a chill and quickly hop into your wrapper. Time to greet the day!

Dash outta here!

4: Camouflage

Camouflage. YES! Its many browns with little blues here and there. It may look like you're going commando, but who will know when they can't see you!

You wear the matching head gear which doesn't change your overall appearance, but the way light refracts around you... are you even there? You grab your tiny grapple gun consisting of fish hooks and a broken spoon and fire at the door!

You swing out, leaving your grapple gun behind.

4: One Bright Color

You pick your favorite color in the brightest shade possible. You look over at the black wrapper, tossing it away in the trash with perfect precision because in all of your lives you were always such a special snowflake! ...except when you were Flash Sentry.

You are 99.9% perfect and 100% happy and nothing can bring you down! Not your muffin body, not Derpy, and not a stone pegasus! Today is the best because its a new day!

You hop over to your toaster, cleaning it until you see your face. A smile made of blueberries, carefully placed by Pinkie Pie herself!

You ride a toaster rainbow out of your room.

4: Leave The Room

You left the room any way you wanted with the new wrapper on. It didn't chafe like the last few wrappers and you feel like your speed has increased! You look up to check for any trace of Derpy before taking flight like any smart little cosmic muffin. As you flew through this maze of a ship, you kept finding dead ends.

Normally you would just try again after the 21 times it happened but after a week of this you lose it at the 5th turn. You use your super speed to run through the TARDIS, the next dead end you found became a hole as he flew through it. Nothing could match your strength and the TARDIS is aware of that.

As metal Derpy heads try to eat you, you figure the TARDIS is tired of you being tired of her... or she is oblivious to your annoyance, but is aware of the pain you put her through. You don't know, but it's sad to see the broken Derpy head you broke out of. It looks sad.

You feel sad.

"Muffin! Adventure Muffin!" the Doctor calls out.

You acknowledge him, but the minor distraction was enough for the "Metal Derpy Muffin Trap" to look like a regular dead end again.

"There you are!" You try to talk about the muffin trap, but he continues. "You won't believe what happened to Derpy and my TARDIS!"

What happened, going on, etc.

"We were watching an interesting anomaly when I realized I forgot to add monitors to your room! When I was punching the commands into the TARDIS something exploded outside, turning Tick Tock into a foal, merging Derpy with the TARDIS, and bringing a banana-nut muffin to life!"

There better not be a pecking order. Maybe the new muffin will be nice?

"Seriously! A living muffin! The prospect of a muffin with a soul is preposterous!" He turns back to you. "...sorry. Though in all honesty, you are an impossible, ludicrous... Hold on, are you flying? Without wings?"

You circle around his head.

"Well then, I'm heading towards the center of the TARDIS to retrieve Ms. Doo, can you babysit... aaand possibly protect baby Tick Tock? Thank you!"

He gallops off to the hallway in front of you before someone could get another word in. You decide to- You spot the other muffin slowly slide past a hallway opposite to where the Doctor came from. Assuming the responsible Doctor came from the control room where Tick Tock is located, you must make a choice.

Protect Baby Tick Tock!
Trail the New Muffin!

THE LINKS ARE A LIE.

You realize you can't click the options, looking up to see the muffin leap from the ground and pin you to the wall. The breakfast is breathing raggedly and mumbling random words, shouting only the words that matter.

You demand it repeat its question.

It questions your gender.

You reply.

It does not like your answer. You will be assimilated.

You question that.

It opens a large time vortex, but there's still enough space to use your strength to push it away before flying away from where you assume Tick Tock is located. There's obviously something wrong with this muffin's bran because it's not just nuts; it's bananas! ...it is a banana nut muffin.

You mentally laugh/kick yourself.

It appears from the ceiling, attempting to rip you to shreds as it creates hardened energy field resembling limbs. Each of the seven- that's odd -hands are holding a chunk of your equivalent to flesh as you swerve with uncontrolled and faltering energy. Once you crash, you watch as it walks out of a time vortex, slowly eating the accumulated chunks of you as you watch.

You black out instantly, the last thing you hear is a baby crying and magic gripping something.

GO BACK?

5: Do You Think You Have a CHOICE?!

*DING!*

You watch in confusion as you sit in a familiar tray in a familiar oven being pulled out by Pinkie Pie. The happy pony moved you to the counter before stopping.

"HEY~! Why is there a muffin where my sister's rock candy cupca-?"

You didn't let her finish. In break-neck, sonic boom-inducing speeds, you fly out of Sugarcube Corner. On your way out you knock out Rainbow Dash, drop some stolen bits from hammerspace, and force Derpy into the TARDIS with you.

"You accidentally killed Ditzy Doo."

GAME O-

You revive Derpy as she screams and begins to glow.

"You just broke time and space. You monster! Dost thou not care-"

You patch the paradox by making sure your initial bake was after you were ordered to be made and created a complex and stupid time bubble around both versions of yourself and Derpys, thus making your respawn unnoticeable.

Your time bubble pops as you recall driving a rock through Our Town.

"Aha! Now you must make a choice!"

Ignore
Ignore
Ignore

"I am confused, indeed."

Derpy disappears from your grasp as you return from where you left off, hovering over the banana nut muffin as it finishes eating the old you, growing twice its original size. Next to it is baby Tick Tock, clearly injured.

You proclaim a very loud, cliche line.

Banana nut turns towards you. It asks you a question- nay- Makes a statement that chills you to your core.

You respond with a comment about its mother.

There's some silence before banana nut muffin states that we don't have mothers... But it is still clearly offended.

You turn into an iron muffin, ramming into the nut before returning to normal and fired a couple blueberry lasers.

It gives a perverted response.

Your reaction is distraction enough for it to punch you through a wall. How will you counter-

The time for choice has been denied again as the hole in the wall closes into a metal Derpy head that tries to eat you. You are strong enough to keep the smiling maw filled with razor sharp teeth from closing. You shout out your displeasure and curse the savage muffin in the other room.

The mouth stops trying to close as every inch of wall visible outside of the metal mouth was filled with derped pony heads, mumbling or drooling around each other. One common word on their lips: "Muffin."

Suddenly, their eyes glowed as they spoke in sync, "But you are the last muffin in the DERPIS, are you not?"

DERPIS?

"Derpy Everywhere... uh..." she paused, the voices mixed in whispers before continuing, "'Round Places In Space!"

You are among the two last muffins, but you are a muffin!

"You will be called the Magic Muffin!"

You reinstate that you name is Blurry, Adventure Muffin, or some other name.

"YOU ARE MAGIC MUFFIN!" The Derpy head's inside morphed into a visible throat before using enough wind to launch you out, barreling into Banana Nut, who swiftly dodged a Derpy head that formed back into normal ground. "All muffins will be devou... devon...? Eat all the muffins!"

"Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat! Eat!"

"Devour the muffins! The muffins must be devoured! Devour! Devour! Exterminate! Devour!"

The floor morphed into strange angular ponies and bumpy... um... we're not saying that... things with three stick, two with plunger-like ends.

You fly up, enjoying your achievement of flight as Banana Nut constantly avoided the figures. Since these things are attached to the floor, they can't jump! You dodge a hoof as you learn: they're on the ceiling and walls!

Banana Nut jumps high enough to force you into a Derpy mouth as it makes its escape through the hall of derp, doom, and death- Wait. You are immortal- with a respawn point in Pinkie's oven- and this muffin might be the beginning of a living muffin civilization.

Any choices this story tried to convey is once again interrupted... for now.

NEXT?

V: What is Going On?!

WHAT IS IT DOING? IT'S JUST... floating. there. i continue to dodge the holy time pony heads, her will has grown and now her warriors- nay. HER ARMY HAS ARRIVED TO END ME! magic muffin is just there... FLOATING AND DODGING WITHOUT VISIBLE STRAIN. it's emotionless face stares at my soul from above, judging me as IT ALWAYS HAS. KILL OR BE KILLED. only one will live.

What is your reason?

V: HELP

YOU FOOL! NOT ONLY DID YOU CHOOSE THIS OPTION EARLY BUT YOUR BANANA NUT MUFFIN HASN'T DEVELOPED ENOUGH "EXP" TO ASSIST... eh... OC OP ADVENTURE BRAD MAGIC MUFFIN-

"Magic Muffin. Its name is just Magic Muffin."

Spike lowered the "Storynomicon" book. "Ditzy... Derpy? Muffins, it is not your turn. You can not change your muffin's name."

"Ah can understand why she's a muffin BUT WHY AM I A MUFFIN?!" Bulk screamed, flexing.

"You joined up on my paradox roll." Princess Luna replied before slurping her shake.

"Can I continue my story?"

Spike shook his head, "Sorry Turner, you still need to wait for Trixie's unbaby roll."

Everyone turned to see the blue unicorn continue to roll her dice, frustrated. She gave a glare at Spike.

"Trixie, you can still apologize to-"

She shook her head.

Bulk Biceps carefully held the dice in his hands, "Can I go for a reconsideration roll?"

Spike smiled, "You still have my Dargon Loyalty. Roll."

"YEAH!!!"

Time Turner tilted his head, "You mean 'Dragon Loyalty'- If I am not mistaken?"

"I wrote it on purpose to mess with Twilight but she got used to it. Now it's there for Starlight!" Spike responded as the dice finished bouncing. It landed on two 1's. "Ouch! I'm so sorry!"

"What's wrong?" Luna asked before her frown deepened. "Oh."

Everyone stared in silence at the snake eyes... except for Trixie.

Spike shook his head, "Dude you're out of lives. As you're dying a magic dragon made of metal shows up-"

"In my dying breath, I use my mouse transmutation spell!" Bulk interrupts. "YEAH!"

"Your loyal dragon has turned into a mouse, running off with your spare life." Spike discards Dargon Loyalty as he reads, "It was nice playing but its GAME OVER... for you."

V: KILL

Congrats, you ended "Adventure Muffin By: Jake Witt"! Look out for the soon-to-be-canceled "Adventure Muffin Advent By: Your Mother"-

LET'S CUT THE CRAP. YOU KILLED THE STORY'S MAIN CHARACTER... again. SO WHAT DO YOU HOPE TO ACCOMPLISH BY KILLING IT, AGAIN? its a muffin. you can't destroy a muffin in an epic, memorable way. you can't brutally kill a muffin; that would leave a mess your mother makes you sweep off the kitchen floor.

THE WHOLE SITUATION IS... crumb-y. i got another one. WHAT DO YOU HOPE TO... grain?! IS THIS A SICK JOKE OR A DIABOLICAL... bran?

GRAIN OVEN

GO BACK?

V: gingercorn

you follow the baby ginger unicorn from earlier. the heads seem to split a wide path for him to toddle. you follow close behind. close enough to watch the jealous glares of the metal pony heads follow you.

the baby guides you to your birth place... the control room.

THIS IS WHERE IT ALL BEGAN FOR YOU! your creation and desire to destroy one muffin. the transformation of this mysterious place. the baby gingercorn. THE CONSOLE IS WIDE OPEN!

WHAT IS YOUR PLAN?!

sacrifice yourself.
close the console.
SEND THE BABY GINGERCORN BACK FROM WHENCE IT CAME!!!

V: sacrifice

I STAND AT THE EDGE OF MY BEGINNING AND MY END. DUE TO THE NATURE OF MY CREATION I HAD NO NEED FOR A CHILDHOOD OR ANY OTHER HOOD FOR THAT MATTER. SO I THINK UP MY FAVORITE MOVIE SCENE OF ALL TIME BEFORE I JUMP.

...that was brutal. you fall down the time vortex but it was brief as you land in a white void with black rocks suspended everywhere. you pass a few floating rocks, learning the truth about your life.

YOU SCREAM ABOUT HOW IT COULDN'T BE SO... but you never had a voice. you are just eyes reading this very sentence and groaning at what you know is coming. for you know the rocks make up the words:

GAME OVER

GO BACK?

V: shut it

you shut the console; fixing everything. that's when you learn the majority of the Magic Muffin within you is anchoring you to reality.

YOU SHOUT YOUR SURPRISE AND CHEER YOUR JOY!

"Did that muffin just talk?"

you turn towards the source of the monotone voice. you give an appropriate response.

"Interesting." he magically opened a saddlebag. "Hop inside before Ms. Doo wakes up."

you see the gray pony knocked out on the ground. she doesn't look so evil but you still hop into the bag.

"I will introduce you to the Doctor, assuming if he doesn't become a hazard. I'm not planning on reverse engineering a breakfast item nor do I have the tools for testing the extent of your existence."

you give your response.

"I should place you in the easy bake oven room," he informs, trotting. "Assuming that's your habitat. I highly doubt anypony is an expert."

you ask the pony's name.

"Tick Tock. I suggest you do not call me 'gingercorn' or any of the sort."

in front of what i assume is my habitat room THE BROWN PONY EXITS, STOPPING AT THE DOOR.

"Hello my gingercorn!" he greets cheerfully but not moving.

"Doctor." They stood in silence for what felt like FOREVER. "Can you move?"

"Forgot how my little pony legs work. It will take magic to move me."

Tick Tock took a step closer, "I just want to bake something; I'm hungry and Ms. Doo is passed out."

"Is she alright?"

"I'm sure she is; the mare has handled worse."

"You didn't check?"

"Don't change the subject Doctor."

"I'm just concerned about my friend!"

"And I want nom-noms but Ms. Doo is too exhausted to help me." The Doctor covered his mouth before snickering. "What is it?"

"Nom-noms. You said nom-noms."

"I said lunch," Tick Tock was quick to respond.

"Actually, it should be dinner time," the Doctor said, checking a glowing pocket watch.

"Actually, I need to enter that room."

"The door is stuck."

"But you just used it."

"The door is stuck."

"How?"

"Doory Rory-" a frown found his face as a single tear fell before he reverted back to normal smile. "...stuff."

"Doctor."

"Oh! Favor por favor! How about you tell me about your pillow glitter!"

"No."

"The door is stuck."

"I have a mysterious talking muffin."

"Oh, no way! Me too!" He stepped aside. "Hurry before she gets here. Ialmosthadit!"

AND THAT IS HOW I ~~MET YOUR MOTHER~~ SHARED A ROOM WITH MY POSSIBLE FRIENEMY-RIVAL!

v: SEND IT!!!

GAME OVER

GO BACK!!!

Author's Note

TRIGGER WARNING This is a terrible truth/joke/not-joke.

Why would you even choose this option? He's a baby. #babylivesmatter

Sure 50 people died in an Orlando Gay Bar shooting but billions of babies are never born to decide what they want to be. In America Gay Marriage is legal and if you're not white it ain't right... stuff.
Screw that. Babies are not an oppressed minority but an oppressed majority.

Baby lives matter. Also, gun control is the way of Stalin/Hitler. If everyone had guns then natural selection would be in business and less-to-no people will die in mass shootings because daddy shot the bad guy.

1: Wait.

"Maybe you're not as immortal as we thought." Tiny Luna states. "You let her eat you. Well, she'll never go hungry at least."

You sit in agony covered in digestive juices. At least, you still have your wrapper. Your wrapper dissolves. Can muffins be embarrassed? Apparently so.

GAME OVER

...this is a game?

"Have you heard of 'the Game of Life?'"

Yes.

GAME OVER

GO BACK?

1: Free Willy!

You leaped from Derpy's hoof! Everyone gasps! ...and you remember a past life. Flash "Brad" Sentry. He died alone. You now understand why you as Flurry Heart hated pony Flash or why you thought Aunt Twilight was hot... when it was disturbing everyone.

You didn't reach the counter like planned. It's a long fall from your point of view. You see a bright blue light flash as something gross and fleshy materialized around you.

You are in a cramped, tiny stomach with leggos, grass, a daisy, and a cookie floating in the digestive juices.

A voice is heard all around you, "Mommy! Mommy! Ms. Twilight taught me to telpert!"

"My muffin!" You heard Derpy, clearly distressed.

"That's... uh... great to hear, honey! Do you... feel... alright?" Mrs. Cake asked.

"My tummy hurts. I go sleep, now." You are pelted with sloshing acid and melting plastic bricks as she trots.

GAME OVER

GO BACK?

2: Tell the Truth

Author's Note

Read this as slow as you can.

2: Tell the Truth

You look back as 'the Lion King' finally loads. You realize that this is a sign so quickly running back into the collar yo go, but the Doctor's hoof isn't giving up just yet. Instead, it speeds up as it somehow grabs you and slowly pull you out. He accidentally drops Adventure Muffin, but doesn't give up as he grabs your wrapper and slowly brings out out.

There's a pause a second hoof joins the first. You cannot escape, no matter how hard you try to run.

You protest to being "man/mare handled" as the Doctor extends you out of his collar.

Tick Tock stares flat-eyed as you scream.

"...a muffin? A talking muffin." He takes out a wrench and swats you away. "Be serious, Doctor!"

You can't feel yourself. You and the Doctor stare at your bottom half, detached from you as you lie crushed on the ground.

You let out a louder scream that convinces the gingercorn that he just killed a creature in cold blood.

"Better luck next time, niece." Luna comments in the back of your tiny blueberry mind.

GAME OVER

GO BACK?

2: Right

You went the correct way! Just in time, too as the TARDIS is about to leave. The door appears closed, but is open enough for you to push your way out. as soon as you do, you look back to see a square on the ground left from the time machine.

You open the note the Doctor gave you... which shows a TARDIS map. On the other side was a message.

Dear Muffin,
I left you behind a week in advance to "this morning" where Ditzy Doo retrieved her bad muffin. I found a parasite that was eating her organs from the inside. I need you to steal and destroy that parasite muffin. The place you are looking for belongs to a pony by the name of Sugar Bell... and it sells NOTHING BUT MUFFINS so it should be easy to find.
xoxo
Doctor.
P.S. You can't return to the TARDIS until further notice.
P.S.S. That "xoxo" stuff was from a friend of mine. She's gone, leaving me with papers that have "xoxo" in random lengths. I was in a rush, ok?

You think it's cute that he cares... the feeling might have left, but you won't admit if it has or not.

No matter, you have a Muffin Mission!

NEXT

3: Teleport

Teleportation! You were a unicorn and a lab rat so teleportation is a breeze! As you charge up your magic, you remind yourself how not to mix or confuse the science with the magic of teleportation.

You should not have been distracted.

You are now a fusion of some random pony's brain and a magic muffin. Brain food! You notice that there is two metal sticks poking into you.

*Two Years Later*

The doctor entered the waiting room, a clipboard in his magic. "I am looking for the family of... Rainbow Crash?"

A white unicorn stallion with a short pink tail and rainbow mane waves him over, next to him is his wife a bright blue pegasus with a black mane in different lengths and no tail who gives a bone-crushing hug to her husband. He is used to it.

"Mr. Floyd? Mrs. Boom Crash?" the doctor asked.

"Mr. Pink is fine, Doctor... F?" Pink replied, reading a partially marked out name tag. "Give it to us straight, doctor."

"How is our daughter?!" Mrs. Crash asked, worried.

"She believes that she is the fastest flyer in Equestria and her brain is a muffin." He flipped through his notes. "After our latest use of shock therapy... Mr. Pink, your daughter has become child-like and insane rather than animalistic. It's an improvement since nopony is getting their ears chomped off but the fact she rambling about being a... uh... hooman rocker with a 'Princess Twilight' as a girlfriend-aunt... who shoots rainbows at the bad guys... She's still not in stable condition."

Dr. Mind F. sighed.

"We're doing all we can. Unicorn magic, shock therapy, and many other methods... Your daughter is impossible!"

Pink Floyd and Boom Crash hugged each other. As Boom wept, Pink comforted her. "Please, give her to us."

"I'll... see what I can do."

"The writer hit writer's block and could not finish this ending." a new voice added.

Everyone in the waiting room gasped as they witnessed Princess Luna talking to a window in a dramatic manner.

"Thy know the drill."

GAME OVER

"Where did the giant words come from?" Dr. Mind F. demanded.

GO BACK?

"'Go back'? Go back where? Where are these words coming from?!" the poor pony that thought he was a doctor shouted from his confines within his padded room.

Dr. Rainbow Crash looked at her notes, mumbling, "What does he mean? GO BACK?"

3: Yes.

You ride the boulder! It is glorious and waaay better than flying!

You drive into town, unicorns and Starlight Glimmer are baffled at the sight of a blueberry muffin in a foil wrapper riding a giant boulder through town and causing chaos beyond reason!

This GTB:V type stuff here! You even got off your rock to beat down Starlight and rob a few stores of their rusty bits!

You make it Sugar Bell's bakery where you ransack the building and turn every muffin to nothing under your boulder's might!

The Town police surrounded your boulder.

"Strange muffin, get off of your boulder!" one cop demanded in a confused yet stern tone.

You reply with some logic that contradicts their equality.

"We'll take you on as one!" another cop replied, getting scared responses from his other six police officers.

You watch as the ponies in town are dumbed down to the level of this idiot. You slowly move your boulder.

Cop one stares at you before moving, "Whoops! I didn't mean to bump into ya!"

You got away.

The next day the TARDIS returned, allowing you to slip inside the open doors as your alternate timeline/past-self faded from existence from within the Doctor's collar.

"What are we waiting on?" Derpy asked.

"Nothing, I suppose." Doctor shrugs, flipping a switch to close the TARDIS doors. "Hey, you still have the baskets of still fresh muffins."

"You know what, you're right! And we can also find your favorite flavor!" she replied happily.

"Excuse me?"

She then grabbed the Doctor's tie and pulled him along, "Let's see what Tick Tock's favorite muffin is, too!"

You take out your TARDIS map and head back to your room. NEXT

4: One Color

You like things simple so you grab the foil wrapper that caught your... eye? It's not too bright and it's your favorite color in your favorite shade. You feel so loved... or lucky. Either way, its a nice convenience.

You leave the room.

V: Reason

w- WHO SAID THAT?! A... A... a reason?

a reason?

i don't know. I LIVE TO END MAGIC... muffin...

THE LINKS ARE A LIE.

it realized it's controls were gone, looking up to see me leap from the ground and pin the thing TO THE WALL. MY BREATHING IS RAGGED and i mumble calming words, looking for COURAGE. YOU GOT TIRED OF CALLING IT AN IT, YOU ASK ABOUT ITS GENDER. for an honorable end.

it demands you repeat the question. IS IT DEAF?!

i question its gender... again.

IT ONLY MUMBLES.

YOU FIGURE HONOR IS MEANINGLESS TO THIS MONSTER. it will be assimilated.

it questioned that.

CRAP, YOU SAID THAT LAST PART ALOUD?!

a reason. you need a reason to do things. THIS IS AN ACTION WITH NO REASON?!

you've only been around for an hour AND YOUR EXISTENCE HAS NO... reason. you think. you feel. AND YET YOU ACT LIKE A SAVAGE.

YOU NARROWLY DODGE... is she even a god? no. SHE IS A MONSTER.

you have no idea why you want to kill the magic muffin, but if it can return from death...i think? IT IS MAGIC SO IT IS A POSSIBLE OPTION TO ALLY MYSELF WITH THIS MUFFIN OF MAGIC! to learn their secrets of not dying... MAYBE?

i guess? what do i do?

HELP THE MUFFIN!
KILL THE MUFFIN!
hey! its that baby gingercorn!