Princess Kickassia was a badass ruler. How much of a badass? If anyone dared to speak her birth name without adding ‘kickass’ to it, their head would explode from the overly-concentrated awesomeness stuck on their tongue. They’d get better, of course. Doctors in Badasstria were so badass they could save a patient up to four days after they died. But the fact remained: you did not speak of Princess Kickassia without also speaking about how badass she was.
Unfortunately for Kickassia, this particular afternoon she was stuck doing one of the most lameass things a pony of her badassery would ever have to do: Give a speech. Normally, she’d just shorten it to a single sentence or two with her badass leadership skills, but today was the day of the ceremony of ass-kicking.
As the most badass pony in Badasstria, it was her duty to head the ceremony. She’d rather be out kicking some demon ass, zombie ass, or even just giant crab ass, but somepony had to give the speech. Besides, this wasn’t any ordinary ceremony of ass-kicking. This day would go down in history as one of the most badass moments in the history of Badasstria. And it all had to do with the six kickass ponies in front of her.
“Welcome to today’s ceremony of ass-kicking!” Kickassia exclaimed to the crowd of badass ponies. She wasn’t using the royal badass voice, but every window in the hall shattered at her words. They were quickly repaired by the badass architects, who only needed to use their glares to get the job done.
“Thousands of years ago, the ancient badasses come down from the heavens and bestowed unto ponykind the ways of badassery. Ever since, everypony in Badasstria has aspired to become awesome enough to be declared worthy of our masters’ title: Badass.”
“Today we are gathered so that these six kickass ponies may prove themselves worthy of being called true badasses. All ponies attempt to become badasses, but only so many prevail. These six have spent years of training, hard work, and ass-kicking to get this far, and should they succeed today they shall finally be recognized as being ready to kick all asses in need of kicking!”
There was no applause. If a crowd of this many badasses stomped the ground together, they would crush the planet into dust in a matter of seconds. As badass as that was, it would also mean Kickassia would have to fix it again. And nopony wanted to be the one responsible for giving their badass ruler clean up duty.
“In accordance with the ancient traditions of all that is badass, these kickass ponies shall each be given a final challenge specifically tailored to their chosen path of badassery. However, because there are insufficient asses in need of kicking for six simultaneous trials in our entire plane of existence, each kickass shall journey to a parallel universe to complete their trial,” declared Kickassia.
These would be carefully chosen dimensions, of course. There was nothing badass about kicking asses that the local heroes were going to kick anyway. For badasses, dimensional travel was only an option to realms where the world was pretty much doomed unless an outsider intervened. Fortunately (from one point of view), in the infinite realms of the multiverse there were plenty of dimensions where the good guys lost, so there was no shortage of asses to kick.
“Now, we shall begin the ceremony with the first of these six trials. Step forward, Rainbow Dash, kickass of Egomania.” announced Kickassia.
Rainbow Dash made her way forward, a smug look on her face. In fact, Rainbow Dash’s whole being was smug, from her badass jacket, to her badass gun arsenal on her back, to her badass sunglasses. And although no one dared to applaud, the sounds of cheering and stomping could be heard all around the room, seemingly coming from everywhere at once.
“Rainbow Dash, you stand before me today to be declared a badass egomaniac. The way of the egomaniac is a powerful one. Through ancient and honored methods you have learned to turn your ego in a physical force capable of bending reality itself,” said Princess Kickassia.
“Of course!” said Rainbow Dash, effortlessly floating off the ground without flapping her wings, “As if somepony as badass as me would choose a path any less awesome. No offence, Princess Celestia.”
Rainbow Dash’s head exploded, but when the smoke cleared there wasn’t so much as a hair of her mane out of place. How was this possible? Because she was Rainbow bucking Dash.
“Only a badass egomaniac could utter the name of a badass ruler without consequence. A true testament to your abilities. You have done many badass things to get here today, such as the time you blew up a changeling hive just by striking a pose outside. Or the time you gibbed yourself but survived without any medical attention whatsoever. Or the time you journeyed into the depths of Tartarus in search of planet-core based hair gel.” said Princess Kickassia.
“Well, where else can I get hair gel that doesn’t dissolve when it touches my mane? I’m too badass for anything less.” said Rainbow Dash with a shrug.
“Indeed. Now, it is time to prove your worth as a proper badass. Are you ready to face your trial, Rainbow Dash?” asked Kickassia.
Rainbow Dash smirked and pumped her shotgun without moving a hoof. “Hay yeah!”
Princess Kickassia nodded. “Very well. Then you must journey to dimension 100455. There, you will find an allegiance of humans and ponies under threat of alien invasion, and an army of aliens in need of an ass-kicking. You are to be the deliverer of this ass-kicking.”
“Aliens?” asked Rainbow Dash, raising her sunglasses, “I mean, yeah kicking their asses is going to awesome and all, but that’s it? Not exactly much of a test of my badassery...”
“Of course not.” said Princess Kickassia, “To have even come this far, kicking the asses of a few thousand aliens would be no challenge for you. The trial isn’t for proving you can kick ass, it’s for proving that you truly understand what it means to be a badass. In your case, it is proving that you can control your ego beyond simply using it for ass-kicking. As such, your trial is that you are to journey to the dimension immediately, but not kick a single ass until 12 hours after your arrival.”
Rainbow Dash looked surprised for a moment, but then proceeded to laugh.
“Really? That’s my trial? Ha! That’s no trial at all! Hay, I think I’ll make that my new battle plan. Always give the lameasses time to think they stand a chance before I crush them,” she said with a smirk.
“Then go forth, Rainbow Dash, and kick some ass!” said Kickassia as she opened a portal to dimension 100455.
Pausing only to flash her kickass friends a confident smile, Rainbow Dash charged through the portal, her ego closing it as she passed through.
Satisfied, Princess Kickassia once again faced the crowd.
“As her trial will take at least 12 hours and 30 seconds, we shall begin the other trials immediately so we don’t have to stand here for several hours.” she declared.
No one objected. Forcing a badass to stand in one place for too long tended to reduce said place to dust with over-concentrated bassasery. This was especially true with Princess Kickassia. She would be lucky to go 15 minutes before she was overwhelmed by the urge to kick some ass.
“Next, we shall begin the trial of Applejack, the kickass Traditionalist.” announced Kickassia.
Applejack made her way forward. Unlike Rainbow Dash, she didn’t have a smug look on her face, only determination. Also unlike Rainbow Dash, she didn’t have a weapon or a jacket. She was wearing her hat, though. It was reinforced with titanium so it wouldn't burst into flame from contact with her head.
“Applejack, you stand before me today to be declared a badass Traditionalist. You walk the path of the badass who doesn’t need weapons, supernatural abilities, or anything other than his or her own strength to kick some serious ass,” said Kickassia.
“Darn tootin’! If ya can’t kick ass without some fancy trick or two, ya can’t kick ass properly!” declared Applejack.
“There are those lameass enough to declaire your path a lesser way of badassery, but you stand before me today, proving that they are wrong. You have kicked just as much ass as your friends in reaching this ceremony with only your own power. Such as the time you broke Equis and the moon in half with a single kick. Or the time you fought your way out of a tatzelwurm’s stomach. Or the time you journeyed into the depths of Tartarus to reclaim your hat.” said Kickassia.
“Shucks, Ah was just doin’ what any proper kickass would do. Ah just did it without havin’ tah use anythin’ fancy,” said Applejack with a bit of a blush.
“Indeed. Now, it is time to prove your worth as a proper badass. Are you ready to face your trial, Applejack?” asked Kickassia.
Applejack slammed her front hooves together. The resulting impact was so loud that it would have made every living thing on Equis momentarily deaf if they all weren’t so badass.
“Yep.” was all she said.
“Then you shall journey to dimension 75082, where you will find an Equestria where the windigos never existed, and the ponies are too lameass to be friends with each other. You are to show them how badass friendship can be by kicking their asses until they realize how awesome it is. For your trial, you must use this.” said Kickassia as she tossed a wooden stick to Applejack.
Applejack caught it, but looked really unhappy to be holding it.
“This stick has been enchanted into a badass stick. Even you will find it difficult to break,” explained Kickassia. “Anypony can kick ass when they’re properly equipped. Only a badass can kick ass with whatever they have on hoof. As you usually don’t need anything to kick ass, your trial is that you can only kick ass with that stick.” said Kickasia.
Applejack sighed. “Well, alright. This here stick’s a bit of a hinderance, but Ah reckon this’ll be a snap all the same.”
“Then go forth, Applejack, and teach them the badassery of friendship!” said Kickassia as she opened another portal.
Applejack gave a nod and trotted through the portal. Kickassia closed it behind her.
“Now, we shall begin the third trial of today's ceremony. Come forth, Fluttershy, the kickass Hero.” continued Kickassia.
Fluttershy made her way forward. While she had a rather impressive gun and blade arsenal on her back, what really stood out about her was that her body was covered in so many badass scars that there was barely any of her coat left. She was also missing an eye, an ear, and a wing. All of which had been replaced with badass cyborg parts.
“Fluttershy, you stand before me today to be declared a badass hero. Badassery takes many forms, and the way of the badass hero is one of unwavering self sacrifice and the protection of those incapable of being badasses themselves,” said Princess Kickassia.
“Of course. I would never dream of being a badass if I couldn’t help those who can’t be as awesome as me,” said Fluttershy, somehow in both a gentle and hard-core manner.
“While all walks of badassery seek to protect the non-badass, only the badass hero will willingly let themselves be scarred to do it. Every mark on your body tells a story of how you gave a little of yourself for others in a badass way. Like the time you jumped in front of a planet-destroying death ray. Or the time you swallowed a primed grenade. Or the time you journeyed into the depths of Tartarus to rescue a starving baby bunny, and then cut off one of your own legs to feed it,” said Kickassia.
“Of course I did. I thought about getting a badass cyborg replacement, but decided to let the doctor grow it back. You never know when you’re going to have to feed another ravenous baby bunny,” Fluttershy said with a smile.
“Your badass heroics are an inspiration to us all. Now, it is time to prove your worth as a proper badass. Are you ready to face your trial, Fluttershy?” asked Kickassia.
Fluttershy answered with a simple “Yes.”
Kickassia nodded. “Then for your trial, you will journey to dimension 119190, where you will find an Equestria in the distant future that has been devastated by nuclear warfare...”
“Um…” Fluttershy interrupted, holding up a hoof. “I mean no offence, Princess, but are you sure that dimension is ok to go to? I mean, even the darkest and most hopeless nuclear wasteland tends to have at least one badass already in it…”
“I can assure you, it’s alright. Our badass scouts determined that the chosen hero of this dimension died during the tutorial stage, whatever that means.” said Princess Kickassia with a wave of her hoof.
“Oh. Ok, then.” said Fluttershy with a nod.
Nopony ever doubted the word of a badass scout, even if it didn’t always make a lot of sense.
“As for your trial, you are to avoid receiving a single scar while you are there. Heroic sacrifices are natural for a hero, but even badass ones must be able to save everyone without getting a scar at least once-in-awhile.” said Princess Kickassia.
Fluttershy looked sad for a moment, but quickly got over it.
“Oh, well. I guess I’ll just have to do without being able to prove my badass achievements this time. I should be more concerned about saving everypony anyway,” she said.
“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to prove your badassery, but the fact that you’ve come this far shows you’re badass enough that you don’t have to prove anything,” said Kickassia, “Now then…”
Kickassia opened another portal.
“Go forth, Fluttershy, and be the badass hero that wasteland needs!” she said.
Fluttershy gave Kickassia a quick bow, and flew through the portal.
Kickassia closed the portal, and quickly blasted a badass energy shot to the sun, causing a badass solar flare to shoot out past Equis. She’d already gone 7 whole minutes without doing anything badass. She had to vent some of her awesomeness, or there was no way she’d finish the ceremony.
“Next, we shall begin the trial of Pinkie Pie, the kickass Eccentric.” she said.
Pinkie didn’t make her way up as she was already there. Nopony had seen her move. Pinkie wasn’t equipped with any weapons, but with badass eccentrics that was just because they kept it all in their ‘inventory’ instead, or something. She was, however, wearing a full body suit that was colored a mix of sweet and spicy. Also, it smelled like blue.
“Pinkie Pie, you stand before me today as a kickass eccentric. Though while many ponies may consider your unpredictable activities counter-productive, the way of the badass eccentric is to harness your randomness into a badass unstoppable force, literally and figuratively,” said Princess Kickassia.
“Ketchup!” said Pinkie Pie as she pulled an eggbeater out of nowhere.
A non-badass Pinkie may be difficult to keep up with, but with a badass Pinkie… forget it. You’re not going to understand a word she says. Even badass scientists dare not ponder the ways of an eccentric, let alone a badass one.
“Right. While your methods may be known only to you and other badass eccentrics, your feats are no less impressive. Such as the time you ate a giant bar of plum-flavored chocolate to save a drowning filly, or the time you turned into an atom-sized eggplant to fix the world economy, or the time you journeyed into the depths of Tartarus because you left your rubber ducky in your pantry.” said Princess Kickassia.
“Actually, it was because I had a sudden craving for pumpkin cheese.” said Pinkie, who was busy doing her famous cha-cha-hula-do-si-do-la dance.
“The point stands: You have proven your badassery. Are you ready to face your trial, Pinkie Pie?” asked Princess Kickassia.
Pinkie did an inside-out hoofstand. Princess Kickassia glanced at the royal badass eccentric, who was eating a blue pickle. While Princess Kickassia couldn’t understand the stallion any better than Pinkie, she knew his methods enough to just barely recognize the positive tone.
“Very well then. You must now travel to dimension 46026, where you will find Equestria under siege of an evil vampire’s castle and minions. You are to, well, do whatever it is you do and make sure all asses in need of kicking have been kicked. As for your trial, you are not allowed to directly use the fourth wall,” said Princess Kickassia.
She had no idea what the fourth wall was, but every badass eccentric had to face their trial without it. It was one of only two laws of the way of the badass eccentric a non-eccentric could understand (the other was ‘don’t be a Deadpool clone,’ which she assumed was a fashion choice). She suspected it had something to do with avoiding depending on one method of badassery too much, but you could never be sure with badass eccentrics.
“Hmm… I’ll have to pack extra cream pies for this one…” mumbled Pinkie.
She then took out a history book, put a noodle in it, and shoved it in her ear.
“Ok! Ready!” she sang.
Princess Kickassia didn’t open a portal. She simply blinked, and Pinkie was gone.
The Princess shook her head, and turned back to the crowd.
“Next, we shall being the trial of Rarity, kickass Persuader,” said Kickassia.
Rarity, armed with nothing but a large case of vanity items, made her way up in a calm and controlled manner. The same could not be said of the crowd, as more a few started ogling at her. To be fair, she was wearing one of her best dresses, highlighting her luxurious mane in a way that seemed to make her look more beautiful and badass than even the Princess.
Not that Princess Kickassia cared. Badass awe-inspiring form or not, she’d take a free trip to the badlands to kick changeling ass over a nice dress any day.
“Rarity, you stand before me today as a kickass Persuader, or as the less respectful would say, kickass Manipulator. Any badass is capable of kicking ass in their own way, but only a badass Persuader can convince others to kick their own asses.” said Princess Kickassia.
“Of course. Why would anypony want to engage in such... unpleasant matters as dirtying one’s own hooves?” said Rarity with an expression that just wasn’t quite insulting.
“You just mocked every other path of badassery, yet I feel no desire to send you to the next galaxy. Truly, your skills are beyond that of any rival.” said Princess Kickassia.
She knew that wasn’t true, of course. Her own royal badass persuader was at least more experienced than Rarity, but even she couldn’t resist Rarity’s influence.
“Your words and charms have done many incredible things without you having to raise a hoof. Such as the time you convinced Blueblood to give everything he owned to charity, including the clothes on his back. Or the time you ended the century long dragon civil war without leaving our nation’s borders. Or the time you journeyed to the gate of Tartarus and convinced the residents to give you 90% of the gemstones found within,” said Kickassia.
“89%, darling. I do have an element to live up to, after all.” said Rarity.
She didn’t, actually. The six Elements of Badassery were Tenacity, Style, Action, Honor, Heroism, and Explosions. In fact, nopony was the element of any of these as any badass worth their salt had all six in spades. Yet, there wasn’t a soul in the room that could argue with her.
“Indeed. Now, are you ready to face your trial, Rarity?” asked Kickassia.
“Naturally,” replied Rarity with a toss of her mane.
“Then you shall go to dimension 92855, where you will find an Equestria in the distant future, where you and your friends’ counterparts have turned away from the badassness of harmony, and have pushed the land in a long, bloody civil war.”
Rarity sighed. “Let me guess, they’ve become corrupt perversions of themselves, embracing lameass vices such as pride, fear, and tyranny? Honestly, it’s like they’re begging to have their asses kicked. I doubt I’m even needed, really. They're probably all...”
Kickassia coughed, interrupting her. “Rarity, you know perfectly well that nopony, no matter how badass, can ignore the ancient traditions of our founding badasses. Badass Persuaders do NOT get to talk their way out of their trials. Unless you don’t want to be declared a badass, I suggest you stop right there.”
“Right, sorry. Force of habit,” said Rarity with a blush.
Even badasses slip up sometimes. Besides, everyone knows badasses who always get up after falling are far more badass than ones who never fall.
“As for your trial, you are not to directly speak with any of these corrupt figureheads in any way. As you pointed out, it’d be child’s play for you to convince them to kick their own asses with the sheer amount of hypocrisy you have to work with. Instead, you are to subtly guide Equestria to a better future, without anypony discovering that you exist. More so than any other path of badassery, a badass Persuader must prove themselves to be above the temptations of such lameass things as fame and profit,” Explained Kickassia.
“I see. It’s probably for the best, actually. And perhaps it will be more pleasant to have them cursing the skies instead of me when everything’s said and done,” said Rarity with a nod.
“Then it is settled,” said Kickassia as she opened yet another portal, “Go forth, Rarity. Save these fools from themselves.”
Rarity paused to give a rather dramatic pose to the crowd (which got her more than a few whistles), and then went through the portal.
Kickassia closed said portal, and took a deep breath. Now for the big one.
“And finally, we come to you, my former faithful kickass student. Please, step forward.” she said, her voice unusually calm and awe-struck.
The pony in question slowly made her way forward. Unlike her friends, or even Kickassia herself, the purple pony RADIATED badassery. The planet shook with her every hoofstep. The air around her caught on fire. Her gaze could tear a being’s soul from their body. And as she stood before Kickassia, she towered above the Princess even though she wasn’t as tall as her. She was an exceptionally badass pony in all but title. And that was going to change today.
Kickassia gave a soft cough to clear her throat, and began speaking.
“Today is a day that shall go down into Badasstria history. Since that badass day so long ago, countless ponies have tried to trot the path of badassery this pony has, but none before her succeeded. I myself attempted it, but I failed. And with my failure, my name only became kickass upon becoming a badass ruler. But you, my former student, you did not fail. You stand before me today as the first pony to ever attempt the trial of ass-kicking to your chosen path of badassery.”
“For yours is the greatest of all paths of the badass. Even among our badass forefathers, the donkeys, only one soul was ever badass enough to complete this path. It was he who led his people to our world to make it as badass as their own. It was he who gave unto us lesser beings the chance to follow in his badass hoofsteps. It was he, who named this oh-so-difficult and awe-inspiring path of badassery.”
“And it is this path you now stand before me to complete. The path of the badass badass. Or, as it is also known, the way... of the NORRIS.” The cosmos shook at Kickassia’s words.
Meanwhile, halfway across the multiverse was the great badass badass himself, Chuck. No heads exploded as his name was uttered, as he could absorb the badassery from the tongues of those who spoke it even across the fourth wall. And that was while currently fighting an almost equally badass video game-obsessed dragon. As Kickassia’s words echoed to his ears, Chuck paused to give a nod toward the ceremony before returning to the fight. Said nod roared back to Badasstria, giving his approval of what was to come.
Feeling the acknowledgement, Kickassia continued.
“You have completed many, many badass things to get here today. You turned friendship from a badass force into a badass weapon of badassitude. You reduced an empty and dead dimension into literally nothing. You even journeyed into the lowest level of Tartarus, just for kicks. Honestly, at this point some would say the trial is little more than a formality. There is not a soul alive that can deny how badass you are.”
“Nevertheless, the trial must still occur. Are you prepared to complete your destiny?” asked Kickassia.
The purple pony, so badass that simply adding badass to her name wouldn’t be enough to keep heads from exploding (though not quite enough to be able to save others from it like Chuck could), didn’t say anything. Her expression alone told Kickassia yes.
“Then you are to journey to dimension 42449. There, you will find an alternate me that has set out on a multiverse-wide xenocidal campaign. As we speak, she has already reduced the human and pony populations of 18 Earths and 6 Equestrias to corpses, or worse, mindless husks. While her victories were only due to lameass cheap and cowardly tactics, the fact remains that she is a serious threat to everything in existence, and she has an army almost a hundred billion strong.”
“This madmare must be stopped. And while I have no doubt that you could easily kick her ass, your trial has multiple challenges that must be taken into consideration. First, you are to kick the asses of her entire army before you lay a hoof on her. Second, you are not allowed to gain any assistance of the world they are currently invading (however little that may be to such a badass).”
“Third, and most importantly, this trial is for you to face alone. Friendship is the most badass thing in all of existence, and you have proven yourself to be its master. But if you are to claim the title of badass badass, you are to demonstrate just how badass you are without it.”
It went against every fiber of Kickassia’s badass being to say that. Really, how could she tell the almost-badass badass to not use the most badass of all badass things? It was almost like asking a fish to get somewhere without swimming. Honestly, who came up with this trial?
Oh, right. Chuck. He wrote it because after the trial there was virtually nothing in existence that can stop a badass badass except the badass badass him or herself. You had to be very careful about what badass powers you drew upon at that point. After all, there is a fine line to walk between being a badass badass, and an OPMS or an OPGS.
“Are you ready?” questioned Kickassia.
The badass purple pony nodded.
“Then go forth, and kick all the asses in need of kicking!” exclaimed Kickassia.
Kickassia didn’t open a portal. The purple pony was more than capable of opening one herself. And so she did, and stepped through, leaving a trail of hoof-shaped craters in the floor. The portal closed behind her.
And with that, the first part of the ceremony of ass-kicking was done. Each of the kickasses would return to Badasstria in due time, and be officially declared proper badasses upon their arrival. But until then, everypony had badass things to do.
The crowd dispersed, and with a snap of her badass wings, Kickassia flew up into the sky, smashing a hole in the palace ceiling. Less than a second later, Kickassia arrived at the moon, and bucked it. The impact caused it to shatter into space dust.
“SISTER!!! YOU HAUTH DESTROYED MY MOON AGAIN!!!” cried Princess Luna as she flew up to join her sister.
The badass shadow (badass of subtlety and stealth) gave an angry growl as she restored the moon with a single flash of her horn.
“I apologize, Luna, but I desperately required ass to kick! I have done nothing but speak for almost 15 minutes!” exclaimed Kickassia through the vacuum of space.
“THEN I SHALL GRANT IT TO YOU! I CHALLENGE THEE TO ANOTHER DUEL!!!” yelled Luna.
Despite being a badass shadow, Luna could be anything but subtle when she wanted to be. And she wanted to be quite often.
“I accept! Shall we go to the nearest galaxy? I don’t want to have to waste time fixing any planets again.” suggested Kickassia.
“AGREED. NOW LET US JOURNEY TO OUR GLORIOUS CLASH!!!” exclaimed Luna.
And with a very loud bang, the two badasses zoomed off.
___
The three little fillies looked up in awe at the bang.
“Did I say you three could stop?” called their donkey coach as he walked up to them.
“Sorry, master Cranky! We were just wondering what Princess Kickassia was doing.” explained Sweetie Belle.
“Yeah. We just wanted to see if she was going to kick any alien ass, or something.” said Scootaloo.
“We didn’t wanna to miss anythin’.” added Apple Bloom.
Cranky sighed.
“While I can’t blame you for that, I think I need to remind that that to become a badass you must first become a kickass. To become a kickass you must first finish your basic training. And to finish your basic training, you need to actually do it! Now give me another two hundred laps around Badasstria!”
“Yes sir!” cried the three trainees before they charged off.
“And don’t let me catch you using that scooter again! Use a flaming motorcycle like a proper badass!” Cranky cried as they vanished over the horizon.
He let out another sigh.
“I’m getting too old for this. Once a badass, always a badass, but these days I feel like I’m just an ass,” he mumbled to himself.
Author's Note
I would say I was drunk while writing this, but that would just be an excuse. I promise never to write something this ridiculous again. I need to get to work on URBC.
Also, I want to clarify that I'm suggesting nothing with the AU's referred to here. I just needed six AUs that would be... well, in serious trouble if the local heroes failed. If they exist, that is.
By the way, at my count it's around 300 A bombs.
