Starlight's Second Friendship Lesson
Starlight's Second Friendship Lesson
Starlight's Second Friendship Lesson
by Present Perfect
"Starlight!" cried Twilight Sparkle in her usual cheerful tone. "So good to see you!"
Starlight Glimmer stopped in the threshold of the room and blinked at her mentor for a few seconds. That cheerful tone was perhaps a bit too cheerful. And maybe a little manic around the edges.
"I do live here, you know," she said hesitantly.
"I know, I know!" said Twilight. Her grin never wavered.
Okay, thought Starlight, something is definitely up.
"That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about today!" Twilight continued.
Starlight's stomach bottomed out. Conversations starting with that phrase were never good things. Obviously, Twilight was ready to kick her out. Oh sure, she'd frame it as a learning opportunity, or maybe a sign that Starlight had grown and could stand to do more out from under Twilight's not-so-proverbial wing. But whatever the excuse, she was about to wind up one Glimmer short of a castle.
She started hyperventilating. What would she do? She'd have to find a job! Starlight hadn't had a job in... well, ever! Like most of her small-town neighbors, she'd gone from foalhood straight into despotry. She had no real-world skills! None suited to a job outside of management, anyway. She'd never even written a resume!
"Starlight, are you okay?" Twilight asked while taking up far more of her personal space than Starlight was comfortable with. "You look kind of sweaty."
"Okay?" Starlight barked, taking two quick steps back. "I'm okay! Why wouldn't I be okay? Everything's fine!"
Her smile, already tense and brittle, lost its nerve and leaped to its death as she threw herself at Twilight's hooves. "Please just tell me you'll give me a good reference!"
"Wow." Twilight took a step back, able to wrest only one of her hooves from Starlight's grip. "Okay, well, I was actually just going to give you your next friendship lesson, but it's obvious we're both a little worked up right now, so why don't we just relax for a second? Try this, my sister-in-law taught it to me!"
She put a hoof to her chest, inhaled deeply, and exhaled while making a sweeping motion away from herself. Starlight followed her example. After they had each done it a few times, the room seemed less powder-keggish.
"Feel better?" asked Twilight.
"Much better, thank you." Starlight's smile was more natural. "So, what lesson were you going to teach me today?"
"Glad you asked!"
A large pile of papers floated over from the table, along with some writing implements.
"Spike's told me about your troubles finding your way around the castle," Twilight said as she stacked everything neatly before Starlight. "To be honest, I still have trouble myself finding a lot of the guest bedrooms at night."
Starlight blinked. "Why do you need to find the guest rooms at night?"
"Not important, and also not related to where you sleep!" Twilight giggled and started restacking the supplies. "Anyway, your next friendship lesson is to explore the castle and put signs over all the doors so we know which room is which! Won't that be fun and useful and also fun?"
Twilight's smile had regained the same plasticness it had when Starlight had first entered.
"You said fun twice." Starlight raised one of her impeccably plucked eyebrows. "And that kind of sounds like something Spike should be doing. Are you sure he didn't convince you to let him foist his chores off on me again?"
"Ha ha!" Twilight laughed, convincing no one of her sanity. "Why ever would you think that he got jealous when I called you my number two assistant and demanded I boot you down to number three so his position wouldn't be 'threatened'?" She made air quotes. "Never happened! Hee hee, nope! Ya can't prove it!"
"Number thr--" Starlight recoiled. "I'm lower than the owl?"
"Don't think of this as a measure of your ability!" Twilight backed rapidly away, teeth chattering. "It's a... seniority thing!"
Starlight gave her a flat look. "Twilight, how old are you?"
Eyes shifting left and right repeatedly, Twilight began to sweat. "Old enough to drink? Uh, but just a wee babe in alicorn years, ha ha!"
Rolling her eyes, Starlight said, "I'm at least ten years older than you. Have you ever thought about how weird it is that I'm your student?"
"It has nothing to do with keeping you in check in case you decide to enact another end-of-the-world scenario, nope!" Twilight backed herself into a corner and kept right on backing, her rear end climbing the wall. "And you should never ask a mare her age! That's friendship lesson number two and a half, ha ha ha!"
Starlight facehoofed.
As she drew her hoof down her face, though, she sighed. She needed to learn to tone down the irate dictator mein. Now her teacher was a jibbering, shaking mess in the corner. Twilight was just a pony, after all, and no better equipped for this situation than she was, if she were being truly honest with herself. She forced a smile, and when she realized that it looked as forced as it felt, blew out a breath through her lips instead.
"Twilight, stop."
Twilight stopped.
"I'm okay with making signs for the castle." Starlight lifted the wide felt-tipped marker and uncapped it, taking a whiff. Licorice. Darn. "You don't have to pretend like it's a friendship lesson or anything. Like you said, I have a hard time finding my way around this place, and this will help make things easier for me. For everypony!"
Twilight blinked at her. Her rump flopped forward, causing her to do an impromptu somersault out of the corner. Shaking off the stars swirling over her head, she said, "So you're not mad?"
"Nah." Starlight shrugged. "Though I am a little concerned that you're worried I'll try and do something evil again."
Twilight rubbed her foreleg. "It's a consideration?"
"I guess so." Starlight frowned, but picked up all the sign-making supplies. She turned for the door, stopping after a moment. "And you're sure you're not just punishing me for everything I did back at the village, right? I want to make sure we're actually friends."
"Of course not!" Twilight shook her head. "I mean, of course we're friends! Of course I'm not punishing you for what you did at the village!"
Something about that didn't sound quite right. "What... are you punishing me for, then?"
For a strange second, Twilight was perfectly still. Then her head lolled forward, mane hanging over her eyes. She chuckled low in the back of her throat.
"Oh, my dear Starlight," she said, her voice heavy and slow. "You wonder why a mare nearing middle age is the student of Equestria's newest alicorn ascendant? Isn't it obvious?"
Starlight glanced around the room. "Uh. No?"
"Precisely!" A red light glinted in Twilight's eye. "It's not obvious! Not to you, anyway!" Twilight jabbed a hoof at her. "You, Starlight Glimmer, are a stupid, stupid pony!"
Starlight's throat went dry.
"Oh, don't look so shocked! After all, you couldn't figure that out, could you? I saw your history, Starlight. Spike told me about your flashback in the Crystal Empire." Twilight laughed a cruel, merciless laugh. "You cried over spilled milk. You couldn't even lift a block. Everything you ever accomplished, everything you ever were, came from Sunburst."
"I..." Tears stung in Starlight's eyes. She'd thought the words, but to hear Twilight say them...
"You're emotionally unstable on top of being extremely dumb, Starlight!" Twilight stalked over to her, eyes blazing. "You can't even find the bathroom when it's the only room in the castle with a steam vent above the door!" She sat back, giggling like a pony crazed. "I've been feeling progressively dumber just hanging around you all this time!"
"Twilight, please, stop." Starlight's tears flowed freely.
"You want to know why I'm punishing you, Starlight Glimmer?" Twilight shouted. "I'll tell you!"
Her horn lit and the lights dimmed. Her shadow stretched up and up across the crystalline walls. Her eyes burned with devilish fire.
"I was going to be the Crystaller for my snot-rocket of a niece. Me. Do you know how important a job that is, Starlight? Do you have any idea?" Twilight laughed, flecks of foam dancing across her lips. "No, of course you don't. You couldn't possibly!" Twilight growled, rattling the windows. "But it meant everything to me! And then your stupid boyfriend had to show up and ruin it!"
"You're insane!" Starlight shouted, but it was lost amidst the maelstrom of magic being conjured from Twilight's horn. Purple smoke wafted from the corners of her eyes as she stood on her hind legs, forelegs raised, cackling.
"I'm upset!" she shouted, and the windows shattered. "That jerkass thinks he can out-librarian me? I AM THE PRINCESS OF BOOKS!"
With a mighty roar, Twilight blew Starlight off her hooves, scattering the unmade signs to the winds. The windows shattered. Foals babbled in tongues lost before the time of Celestia. Blood flowed down the streets of Ponyville. Darkness settled over Equestria, and the thousand-year reign of Nightmare Book began.
It wasn't all that bad, though. She enacted some very progressive education reforms, and Equestria emerged from its eternal reading more prepared for the future than ever before. Plus, with her strong management skills, Starlight was even able to secure a seat on the Inner Council. Once she'd gotten that reference from Owlowiscius, anyway. It was a seniority thing.
The End
Author's Note
Man, I write some really dumb stories. :V This one came from joking about putting signs in the castle, riffing on the season six premiere, and the fact that Starlight is not half the reformed villain Sunset Shimmer is. :B I will carry that torch to my grave.
Thanks to Casca, iisaw and pterrorgrine for feedback, and thanks to Protopony350 for cleaning up the cover image! :D
