Absolutely Designated

by Flammenwerfer

Rating: teen
Tags: Other, Random, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Comedy
Length: 1370

Anon's first day in Equestria is full of surprises. In hindsight, he probably should've gone to the toilet before he arrived.

Anon's first day in Equestria is full of surprises. In hindsight, he probably should've gone to the toilet before he arrived.

Published 2016-04-10 02:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-04-10 02:30:01 UTC

Streets

"So, in conclusion, Anon... I implore you to not worry about your situation..." Twilight Sparkle, having a private audience with the nation's newcomer, pleaded with utmost remorse. She stood at eye-level with the 'human,' as he called himself, and they had taken their conversation to her bedroom for the necessary privacy. "Rest assured, the Princesses and I shall not properly rest until we figure out exactly how you arrived here and what we can do to reverse it and send you home. I have the greatest confidence that we'll be able to."

Anon, to his credit, did not seem overly anxious at his current predicament, though understandably, he was concerned whether or not they would realistically be able to live up to Twilight's words. As much as he wished to return to his world at this very moment, there was one more thing that had to be dealt with right now.

"T-Thank you, Miss Twilight Sparkle... I really appreciate all of this, truly, but..." Anon's words were cut off by a sharp pang in his lower body, and his forearms instinctively crossed over his lower abs. "This may be inappropriate but where might I find a restroom?"

"Restroom...? OH!" Twilight suddenly understood, giggling into her hoof. "Heh, sorry, it appears nature calls at the most inopportune times, huh?" she mused, starting towards the kitchen and reappearing with a roll of toilet paper. The site of the familiar object made Anon feel that much better, and perhaps things would not be so bad after all from this point on. "Here you go, just in case," she said with a friendly smile, handing it to him in her magical grasp.

"Honestly, you're a life-saver," Anon thanked with emphatic prayer hands, juggling the roll in his right hand. "So, would you kindly direct me?"

"Sure!" Twilight replied, perking up as she trotted to the front door... an action which raised an eyebrow from Anon. In reality, if he had multiple eyebrows on one side, they'd all have been raised at this point.

Opening the door to the town and letting in the gorgeous day's air, she pointed a hoof just outside the library and by the nearby park.

"Right out there is the designated street," she remarked calmly. "Just bring back whatever tissue you haven't used if you would be so kind."

Anon's jaw slackened and it was as if the entire world shut its mouth. He could hear a figurative pin drop as he stared into Twilight's very soul.

Twilight was more than keen on this.

"I-Is there a problem, Anon?" she asked, curious at his sudden stiff demeanor. Anon rubbed the back of his neck and chuckled at the ridiculousness of his inference.

"I could've sworn you just insinuated that I do my business in the street..." he voiced, again chuckling. Twilight only cocked her own eyebrow and cleared her throat.

"Ummm... no. That's the proper street for that in Ponyville," she reaffirmed her previous instructions. Anon's facial expression immediately transmuted into utter disbelief.

"...are you serious?!" he yelled, showing no restraint at all as a side-effect of not wanting to believe what he was hearing. Twilight recoiled at his outburst. "You legitimately have designated shitting streets?"

"Well, when you put it that way..." Twilight's words trailed off, pawing at the floor as she marshalled her thoughts. Anon was quickly shaking his head, rubbing his temples as his urge to crap slowly faded away and lost out to his feelings of shock.

"No. No. You can't be serious... you ponies actually shit in the goddamn streets!"

"W-Well..." Twilight attempted to retort, but Anon again cut her off with another one of his rants.

"From what I've seen, this is a beautiful, respected country on this planet of... fuck whatever this planet is... and you shit in the street!"

"We're actually one of the world's superpowers," Twilight mentioned.

"That makes it even worse!!" Anon exclaimed, flailing his arms at the new information. "You're a powerful nation and yet you shit in the streets! I'm not crapping in the open road in front of other ponies, there could be kids walking by!" he reasoned.

"Well how do you think they learn?!" Twilight countered pointedly. "Besides... it's not even that bad!"

"'How do they fuckin' learn...' seriously?! Twilight?!" Anon repeated her statement as if it would help him rationalize any of it. "And no, screw that... I'm not shitting in the street in front of kids. Is there any toilet around here at all?!" he pleaded. There had to be at least one functioning toilet or outhouse; Anon had little qualms with walking if necessary, despite what felt like liquefied Satan clawing at his sphincter.

"Ummmm..." Twilight began to 'think' unconvincingly.

"You don't have toilets... huh," Anon deadpanned.

"No, we do! But... they're not really 'functioning,'" she added. "They haven't been used since this one time, a bunch of fillies were kidnapped and never heard from again."

"...what the hell is that supposed to mean?" Anon asked, though he was not entirely convinced that he wanted to actually know what Twilight meant.

"Centuries ago, a disgruntled unicorn mare cast a spell on several toilets," she explained. "Whenever fillies went to use them, they mysteriously disappeared in a teleportation spell and were never found! The legend of the toilet witch has kinda scarred the minds of the citizens ever since," Twilight reasoned, and Anon exercised no restraint in laughing his ass off.

"So... you guys, one of the most powerful nations on the planet, resorted to shitting in the streets because of a toilet witch?" he attempted to understand and synthesize all the information that was shared with him; he wasn't even sure he had to lay a cable anymore, and despite his greater judgement, the desire to know more intensified beyond his wildest imagination.

"That... actually summarizes it pretty well," Twilight confirmed, nodding. Anon only buried his face into his hands.

"Oh fuck me..."

"Look, right out there!" Twilight pointed, garnering Anon's attention and pointing out a unicorn mare, with toilet paper floating next to her, that was scoping out an appropriate place on the aforementioned street. "You'll see... nopony cares!"

"Twilight, why are we watching h—OH MY JESUS CHRIST!" he screamed, covering his eyes just in time as the mare squat down. He didn't see the end result, but he had a pretty good idea of what it looked like and had no inclination to confirm. "Twilight how are you watching this!?"

"Seriously Anon I don't see how this is a big deal. Besides, you won't be here for very long anyway; you can deal with it for a little while," Twilight scolded. Making sure it was safe to look, Anon peeked over the veil of his fingers and found the mare casually tossing away some 'used' toilet paper. However, he realized that Twilight was a unicorn... this mare who just defecated in the open was also a unicorn. They both had toilet paper and could utilize it because of magic.

Wait a minute...

"Wait... Twilight, I have a legitimate question," Anon voiced.

"Of course!" Twilight perked up, more than happy to answer any of her guest's inquiries.

"I don't know why I'm asking this... but unicorns can use toilet paper. How do the other ponies, the 'earth ponies' and 'pegasus ponies,' as you called them, use the toilet paper? Can they even use toilet paper?" At that moment, an earth pony stallion happened upon the same, interesting street.

Twilight chuckled awkwardly, glancing over at the stallion having done his business in the distance.

"Well..."

"What..." Anon said, looking at where Twilight was looking and finding the earth pony—having finished baking a hot icicle—plopping down onto his haunches and pulling himself forward with his front hooves, dragging his shit-laden ass all over the street.

"NO! NO! HELL TO THE NO!" Anon pointed, absolutely disgusted, and instantly marching towards Applejack's farm. "Applejack has to have an outhouse, right?!"

"Anon! Wait!" Twilight called, chasing after him.

Author's Note

Total meme-fic. If you like it, cool. If you don't, cool. If you're mad you're probably Designated.

Not edited at all, done in twenty minutes with a bit of gin in my system.